wax poetics...whatever that means.

[crimson311]

so i had a creative surge and wrote two poems. the first is sort of depressing - it's about loneliness. it's quite rough and i'm not totally sold on any of it. the second is a nostalgic ditty, and also a bit rough around the edges. comments/suggestions are much appreciated.

"the right side of the bed"

this twin bed is not big enough for us two

Comments

[sennasilver]

I like the loose rhyme schemes and conversational tones in both of the poems, it makes it seem more like I'm right there with you, just listening to you tell a story. I think it speaks to a unique style for you that you could develop.

In "bed", the envelope simile really stuck out because of the specificity of the image. I like how you illustrated such a concrete image - one that made me feel uncomfortable in a way similar to the loneliness of an empty bed - and then willfully turned it around. I noticed that about 2/3 of the way through this poem, the poetry of it kind of drops a bit, the language is nearly the same, but the structure seems to get loose and the rhyme sort of disappears. You could use that if you wanted, but I kind of get the feeling that you didn't realize you were doing it.

"rainbows" I really liked. It was very tight, I enjoyed the way the rhyme scheme moved it along, the line breaks were strong and the circular structure was nice.

w00t.

[rainfeary]

they're really good.

Hope all is well with you.