Where's my stuff?
Thought I'd try to get one more in before heading back to work tomorrow...
Today's spamee is the loveliest badass in the whole of Easy Company,
the uber-delicious Speirs. Ronald Speirs. But WTF I'm not calling him Ronald.
Also familiar to many as the gentle DILF Rufus Humphrey.
I can't think of two characters who are more different, by the way. Speirs is so awesome that he makes me overlook the fact that Rufus is, quite frankly, a rubbish parent, and fills my heart with an ever-lasting Rufus ♥
So flist, even if you've never seen Band of Brothers, if you watch Gossip Girl YOU MUST LOOK AT THIS SPAM because Rufus, as Speirs, is hot like a billion bottles of Tabasco thrown into the sun.
MASSIVELY EPIC BOB PICSPAM PART TWO: SPEIRSSSSSSSSSS UNF UNF UNF
Warning: there is some rather nauseating Speirs fangirling on my behalf in this picspam.
The first time we meet Speirs, he just randomly pops up in the scene, pulls some strange faces, and steals a whole pack of cigarettes from Buck. And then he just, like, ambles away, mysteriously. And we're all like "WHO WAS THAT DELICIOUSLY MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE THE UNMISTAKABLE AURA OF BADASSERY?"
So we follow the mysterious badass fellow for a bit (and ROFL can I just say I love how Speirs walks? He's very upright. It always makes me laugh) and he heads off to talk to our favourite very attractive American Nazi chap,
And proceeds to offer him, and all his mates, some cigarettes, and we think "HMM THIS MYSTERIOUS BADASS APPEARS TO HAVE A HEART OF GOLD. HOW NICE"
And then he just stands there. And stares at them. Smoking. And my loins, like, quiver or something.
Because it's right about now that my love affair with Matthew Settle's lips/mouth/general face area begins
And then he MOWS THEM ALL DOWN. Probably. PFFT AS IF HE DIDN'T And we're all like ".......um, COLD."
And thus the legend of Speirs, the badassest badass to ever badass, begins.
So Speirs has this habit of just popping up in a scene, eager and ready for slaughter if there are Germans around
Or, if there are only his own men around, the popping up is limited to being fucking intimidating as all hell
or offering frighteningly cryptic advice (like "LOL WE ARE ALL DEAD WAR IS GRRRRRRRRREAT!!!!!!") which scares the pants off poor little Blithe and breaks his brain. Justifiably. LOOK at that stare.
And the random scariness of popping up in scenes is only enhanced in Bastogne, where he is always emerging from the mist like some very sexy dead-eyed mental patient.
And the abrupt and cryptic advice-giving continues
And then he scares the shit out of everyone who has heard the legend of Speirs (the badassest badass to ever badass) BY OFFERING THEM CIGARETTES and we all chuckle nervously and wonder what the hell his deal is (and I keep staring at his fucking lips, nghhhhh)
But then Dike, who, as opposed to being the badassest badass to ever badass, is the most steamingest pile of cowardly fail to ever fail, fucks things up completely, and Winters sends Speirs in. And we're all like "um............are you sure?" But he takes charge and is all authoritative and points at stuff and blows shit up
and is like GI Joe totally come to life, all running through flames and enemy fire, and we all (Sergeant Donnie included) start to massively fangirl him instantly, because his badassery saves the day.
And then we're in the church of immensely flattering lighting, and we see Speirs without his helmet for the first time (I think) and our jaws drop, and a little bit of drool comes out of the corner of our mouths, because HOT DAMN. He's all dirty and scruffy and his hair is so shiny and his skin looks like buttery caramel and I start to ramble and the fangirly part of my brain overheats terribly.
And Sergeant Donnie is also completely enraptured and continues to fangirl Speirs, and they actually do the whole 'STARE AT HIM SECRETLY UNTIL HE LOOKS AND THEN LOOK AWAY REALLY QUICKLY IN CASE HE SAW YOU' because although he's fangirling Speirs something chronic, Sergeant Donnie is still slightly scared of the legend of Speirs, the badassest badass to ever badass.
But Sergeant Donnie has nothing to worry about, because although the badassery of Speirs may lead to certain death for Germans, it leads only to gentle smiles and cryptic comments about Tercius for mild-mannered balding Lieutenants.
And the gentle smiles then proceed to SLAY us all and we are all like "DONNIE + SPEIRS = OTP". But seriously, how could you not melllllllt faced with a Speirssmile? Even if you weren't completely infatuated with his mouth, like I am, I sincerely doubt that you wouldn't be in a massive puddle on the floor right about now.
ANYWAY. I think I'm just going to take a step away from the crazy for a moment and go and post a warning at the beginning of this post about the shameless fangirling I'm doing, I'm kind of making myself sick. You all just sit here and look at Speirs' hair.
So Sergeant Donnie has pneumonia and all of his many boyfriends are busy getting him blankets and cups of tea and Speirs takes a moment out from his looting to chat with Donnie and then, rather superbly, completely shuts down and then ignores the weeniness of Tom Hanks' son, who pops up in this episode.
And, having tucked Donnie in for a little R&R, he leaves to do some more looting or something, because casual looting is Speirs' favourite pastime (perhaps even more so than badassery!) and the manner in which he does it always cracks me up, because he's just so wonderfully blase about it.
But, eventually, he gets back to doing soldierly stuff, because he also excels at this, and is like the little devil on Winters' shoulder whispering sweet nothings of badassery into his ear.
And then they BOTH shut down and ignore weeny little Hanks and turn their backs on him (A++++++), and the mirroring of their postures cracks me up.
And then we get to my favourite Speirs scene of the entire series, because "where's my stuff?" coupled with the look on his face, his complete disregard for naked Janovec, and the fact that he's so completely meh about the whole thing is so damn wonderful and ILU Speirs for ever and everrrr because of this scene.
And so he continues merrily on his pillaging tour of occupied Europe, and his hair is looking really damn good,
and you can just tell he's enjoying himself so much...but the creepy-ass smile he gives whatshisface in the post office is so unnerving that we all snap ourselves out of the spell cast by his shiny hair and remember that beneath the Donnie- & looting-loving exterior of absolute sex lies an absolute nutjob.
A tea-drinking nutjob, that is. And these caps are so incongruous with the badassery of Speirs that I half expect to see his little pinkie raised as he sips his tea or something, hahahahahaha
So anyway, as Easy keep moving through Europe, Speirs starts trying to loot his own soldiers (Perconte's lighter hahahahahahaha) and then he gets really excited when they get to Berchtesgarden because it means he gets to loot Hitler and the SS, and when he's begging Winters to let him take Easy up the mountain you can practically see him peeing his pants with excitement (except that his face remains completely impassve hahahaha). AND ALSO HI WEB AND YOUR SHINY HAIR. It's like Easy uncovered a secret stash of Pantene in Germany, I swear to God.
So Speirs totally tries to butt in on Harry's looting, and Harry tells him to fuck off (OMG MY LOVE FOR HARRY IS SO EPIC, YOU HAVE NO IDEA ♥ ♥ ♥)
And I always ROFL at Winters here, because he looks so proud that Harry's being a bitch, and Speirs is miffed for all of 0.1 seconds, until he wanders off and starts, like, ripping drapes off the wall and folding them up like it's the most natural thing in the world.
And then all his Christmases come at once, because he (and Grant ♥, who is totally another one of Speirs' little boyfriends, and who looks tan and hot as hell in this scene) gets to loot the Eagle's Nest.
And I want to slap Malarkey in this scene, because although I love him so, DO NOT MAKE LOUD NOISES WHEN SPEIRS HAS A GUN IN HIS HAND, OK???
AND THEN IT'S MY FAVOURITE SCENE IN THE ENTIRE SERIES. Like, for real. And I'll get all massively, epically fangirlly over this when I do my Harry spam, but Speirs is so adorably wasted and on the verge of vomiting in this scene <3
But once all the drinking and looting and yahooing is drawing to a close, it turns out that there's still ANOTHER war to fight, and the badassery re-emerges in Speirs and he naturally gets quite excited at the prospect of sadistic training regimes! And guns! And five o'clock starts! And flying to the other side of the world to kill more people! And he looks so hot that even Winters is, like, staring at his lips, and Nix is totally jealous hahahaha
And I just want to pause here and draw big red sparkly hearts around this cap because they totally are my OT5, and my love for them in these last few episodes is BOUNDLESS ♥
So more training means that Speirs gets to put on his dress uniform and bark orders at people, and you know he is just deliriously happy at this whole turn of events
Until the most HORRIBLE THING IN THE HISTORY OF HORRIBLE happens to Grant and every time I watch it I get traumatised because of my undying Grant love (although, tbh, reading through this it would appear that I have undying love for EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER, hahahahaha)
But all this nastiness is redeemed by Speirs' reaction to events -
a) HOLDING AND, LIKE, STROKING AND PATTING GRANT'S HAND OMFGGGG
(and, ngl, I just threw those extra caps in for the Doc Roe silhouette...)
and b) GOING AND KIDNAPPING SOME BRAIN SURGEON (although, idgaf how scary Speirs is, if that was knocking on my door in the middle of the night I'd fling the door open quicker than you can say 'most badassest badass to ever badass')
and then c) GETTING MASSIVELY PISSED OFF AND STORMING THROUGH THE BUILDING (I totally get a little thrill every time he tears through that house and yells at Luz and Tab)
before d) PISTOL-WHIPPING THAT LITTLE SHIT AND BEING ALL HOT AND AUTHORITIATIVE AND STUFF
and e) CAUSING HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE TO MOMENTARILY CRAP HIS PANTS whilst looking like the hottest badass to ever badass. I totally spent the whole scene yelling "DOITDOITDOITDOIT" at the screen, whoops, bloodlust much? That whole scene always makes me clutch my pearls like some 1950s housewife, nghhhhhhh
SO. Breathe. OK. Speirs is then stuck in an office and looks begrudgingly bored by it all
but he still decides to stay "with the men" (♥) and looks massively FINE in the sunshine.
And then is all "NOW, WHERE ARE SOME NICE YOUNG SOLDIERS FOR ME TO TRAUMATIZE??" (and hi freckles and lips!!)
And he finishes the story by gazing lovingly at his men, content to forever scare and intimidate the US Army with his mysterious badassery except that he totally moves to Brooklyn and has two vastly annoying offspring instead, FAIL
So that's Speirs. I find him rather attractive, in case you didn't notice. I know this series was filmed seven or eight years ago now, but I want to find the casting director and send the the biggest fucking fruit basket in the history of fruit baskets, because A+ job mate!!
PART ONE (the epically fucked-up love of Liebgott and Webster)