I have a lot of self-loathe of myself at the moment.  Much of it has to do with my fucking lack of will power.  It also has to do with the fact that I HATE being stared at when I go to the gym.  I've stopped going all together because of I was sick of being gawked at when I'm in the pool or in the equipment.  I've thusly ballooned into a baby ( Read more... )

I'm a sucker for a good romantic-comedy or a good romantic movie period.  For the 2 hours I'm watching I feel good.  I actually feel a little hopeful when it's done then realize that shit doesn't happen in real life.  Sometimes I wish it did.  I think the same when I read my smutty books.  I think every girl wants that feeling of being completely ( Read more... )

Had a generally good day today.  Did pretty much fuck all since I busted my ass making Father's Day Cakes yesterday along with a big ass birthday cake ( Read more... )

So every now and then when I feel the compulsion,  I've been writing little vignettes of frivolous romantic bullshit of some fictional character I've made up.  I read too many smutty books and I have a deep obsession with British model David Gandy so I believe this is where all this is stemming from.  Will I ever let people see the light of day of ( Read more... )

It's so hard for me to like myself.  I hate everything about me.  Now that I've been disabled for over 5 years now I loathe seeing myself in a mirror.  Everything I hated about myself is magnified  x 100.  I know it's human nature to stare.  To stare at what is not normal.  Hell, I've done it.  However now that I'm the subject of staring and ( Read more... )

I've resigned myself to being alone. I really can't see anyone wanting to get involved with me. I've never really been confident and now that I am disabled, I'm basically fucked.

WOW!  Had it really been about 5 years since I last posted here!  Guess, so.  I've been consumed with Facebook so that's likely what took up most of my time.  That combined with chemo, adjusting to life as a disabled person, being a mom of 3(one of whom is a teenage girl), going into remission and the slow and inevitable disintigration of my 15 ( Read more... )

It's obviously been YEARS since I last posted...I'll update another time as to why it's been so long.  I just wanted to come here and vent.  I'm live with a fucking douchebag asshole who has NO idea, NONE of the daily struggles I face being disabled.  The fucktard is mainly concerned with the fact that I am NOT currently working and that I am of no ( Read more... )

 Got some concerning news from my oncologist a few days ago.  My latest CT scan found a questionable lesion in my liver which does not correlate with a CT scan done at another hospital where they found a questionable nodule in my lung.  I was also told that the rate of reoccurance with malignant melanoma even WITH the chemo remains at about 50%.  ( Read more... )

 Shit.  It's been a month since my last post.  What a lazy fucker I am ( Read more... )