Today, I hurt the the man I love most in the world, second only to my father. Have you ever hated yourself? Well, I do right now. I've been thinking about this for weeks, and it seemed like something i had to do for me to find myself. But who is myself apart from thomas? I love that man so much. I'm crying as I write this. I've been with him for so ( Read more... )

i had my first fight with thomas the other night. that sucked! how can some people enjoy conflict all the time? i honestly don't get it. i just wish he could understand, for that matter i wish anyone could understand. i try and explain how i feel to people, and they just tell me i'm being illogical and to go eat something. what i want is for ( Read more... )

alright, so here's what i'm really thinking: i want to be anorexic and bulimic! i can't quit my habits, and quite frankly i don't have the desire to. my family, most of my friends, my boyfriend, and my therapist all want me to start eating "normally" and quit throwing up. i don't want to! i like my figure, and i'll like me even more if i lose more ( Read more... )

macaroni and cheese, twice baked potatoes, and honey glazed carrots. they could kill my figure and no one wants a fat jessica. i didn't do it. i ate soup, 80 calories per serving with veggies and no meat. another rule broken, and another day wasted...

just a few days after my therapy, and life is hard again. i can't stand all this. this constant fighting with myself, dragging my family and friends down with me, and being so depressed i don't even want to get out of bed in the morning. i actually didn't yesterday. i stayed in my pajamas all day long, and stayed pretty much in bed until about 5: ( Read more... )

alright, so i went to a therapist yesterday and i feel so much better! he gave me all these rules to follow though. let me tell you, they are HARD. like for instance, yesterday, i had to eat a baked potato with cheese and broccoli. broccoli was the only food on my good list out of that. but i'm supposed to get rid of my good/safe food and bad/ ( Read more... )

i'm not going to talk long, i just want to say that life isn't going to get me down. i have an amazing boyfriend, family, and support system. i know i can beat this. today, well i guess yesterday now, i celebrated the day marking the best eight months of my life. i'm sure there will be many more. so, this journal may seem depressing at times. but ( Read more... )

well, today is much better than yesterday. so, please disregard everything i said about wanting to stay anorexic. as i sat over the toilet last night, getting rid of the innocent apple i had just eaten, i realized that this is not who i want to be anymore. imagine feeling guilty about eating an apple. and that's on my good food list! so this ( Read more... )

let me just say, my boyfriend can make me smile like no one else.
i looked at the ant bite on my foot and got the biggest smile on my
face. it's so incredible that someone so unforgettable thinks that i
am unforgettable too. i love thomas!

overall i would have to rate my weekend "pretty good" (my newest catch phrase). screw it, nobody reads this thing anyway, so i'm just going to talk about it. i ate. i ate a lot. i'm anorexic, and some people believe i'm also bulemic (not true). however, this weekend, i was not permitted to be either. i ate foods i shouldn't have, drank drinks i ( Read more... )