Steve Watches Poseidon
No, not the Greek god of the seas, but rather the unnecessary remake of the 1972 disaster classic The Poseidon Adventure. Much as when I watched Next, I took notes. The best ones are below the cut; the full version available upon request.
00:02 Holy shit, what hell kind of aspect ratio is this? I gotta pause while I look this up; this is some extreme widescreen. 2.35:1, that's ridiculous. The Golden Ratio is 1.62:1.
00:40 The film's total runtime is 98:04. Minus six minutes for credits (the Next Rule) gives 92:04. I thought this film was supposed to be an epic.
00:56 Wolfgang Petersen, director, always makes me think of the guy who plays Gil Grissom on CSI. Is he William Petersen, or something?
01:02 Kurt Russell gets second billing to Josh Lucas? I'm sorry; I thought Kurt fucking Russell deserved some fucking respect around here, but I guess I was wrong.
01:48 Freddy Rodriguez is in this film, too. It's like a Grindhouse preunion.
01:55 Stacey Ferguson makes this even more Grindhouse-y goodness! Let's not be fooled, though, I'm here for his Kurtness and ridiculous action-disaster setpieces.
02:45 I was about to point out how crazy-big this ship is, but I suppose that's the point.
03:01 So far, I count three pools on this boat, which is stupid. I'm also thinking this project (yes, we now have a project; I think I'll make notes and release them every Thursday night) will teach me a lot about relative timelines of films. Based on Next, the film proper should start very very soon.
03:33 Here we go. This cabin is bigger than my fucking house.
03:45 Helloooooo, Mr. Russell! He better not have to sacrifice himself for one of these snot-nosed punk kids.
04:42 Mr. Russell drinking whiskey while arguing with his insolent daughter about her making out with Emptysack DiSalvo - check.
04:45 Oh, yeah, I nicknamed Kurt Russell's daughter's boyfriend 'Emptysack DiSalvo' and in doing so have made him far more interesting and rounded than the screenwriters did.
05:05 Ethnic characters on what appears to be a behind-the-scenes Stepin Fetchitt cooks-and-cleaners deck now. Kudos, Mr. Petersen.
05:22 Good Christ! Are cruise ships really this goddamn opulent!?
06:40 Freddy Rodriguez as a waiter. I like how this film challenges the audience to think outside stereotypes and perhaps even their comfort zone. Kurt Russell as a family-friendly hard-nosed dad; Freddy Rodriguez as a waiter; what's next, Fergie as a cocktail singer?
06:41 I ask a lot of questions in these things so far....
07:41 Andre Braugher orating eloquently! Brilliant!
07:48 He just said Poseidon made his home on the ocean floor. That's...that's a weighty statement. I don't think it's a good idea to say that to a (literal) boatload of people aboard a ship called Poseidon.
08:09 Hot fuck! She is the cocktail singer!
08:48 The name 'Kevin Dillon' came up in the credits and I idly wondered if he's any relation to Matt Dillon. He is; he's clearly Matt's low-rent stand-in.
10:08 Mr. Russell's whore of a daughter just cost him something like sixty grand at poker. I hope that slut gets a Columbian necktie.
11:32 How did that waiter just pop up with two glasses on champagne right as HeroBoy (I don't know who the fuck this guy is, maybe Josh Lucas?) starts hitting on a woman?
12:04 HeroBoy is like an awkward quasi-Owen Wilson and it freaks me out.
15:18 Dreyfuss just tossed his phone into the ocean. I hate it when characters do that shit.
15:28 Reflection of the giant ass-rogue wave in the captain binoculars - pretty cool.
15:53 Oh, he was about to commit suicide. Throwing the phone still doesn't make much sense.
17:25 The Poseidon is apparently out of Southampton. The Titanic departed from Southampton. Also, who goes to pool at midnight on New Year's?
18:55 Why are parts of the ship exploding? Was the boat not designed to not explode when capsized? Is it some sort of foolhardy righting mechanism?
19:00 Oh, yes, let's cook the domestics. They're only ethnic.
19:46 With the propellers stuck out of the water, the boat's like a beetle on its back. Teehee!
20:41 Mr. Russell throws these corpses about like a fucking pro! He's done this before!
21:08 WhoreDaughter goes looking for Emptysack DiSalvo instead of her bamf of a dad, silly bitch.
21:15 Dammit! I thought he was dead!
22:04 Mr. Russell can't help save stupid goddamn Emptysack because he's about to rescue a kid from a piano stuck four stories up (down?). This whole capsized bullshit fucks with your sense of direction.
22:20 Relax, lady, Mr. Russell used to be a fireman. In Backdraft!
22:26 In the real world, this kid would go straight through the fucking curtain safety sheet they've got and just pancake on the ceiling below.
22:39 Meanwhile, Emptysack still can't stand up.
22:57 Dear God of Electrical Water Hazards, please take the life of Emptysack DiSalvo. He is worthless and will probably get Kurt Russell killed before he can right the boat through sheer testicular density, amen.
23:10 WILL SOMETHING PLEASE KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!?
23:42 Andre Braugher just keeps on orating! Hit us with some exposition, my man, explain that giant wave we just saw!
24:06 I hate to break this to you, Andre, but that fancy GPS rescue system you just mentioned probably didn't work. You're probably about to board the SS Fucked.
24:33 This giant window in the side of the lobby, which Andre just said was keeping the whole boat afloat, is gonna crack right now.
25:43 Andre, just stop trying, you're never gonna out-balls the Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes.
26:19 Listen to Dreyfuss, people. He knows how to get out of capsized Poseidons 1.
27:14 Are you gonna go with Richard 'Been Here, Done This' Dreyfus, El Wray, and Snake Plissken? What are you, a fucking idiot? Yes, you're gonna goddamn go, kid, quit stalling!
28:14 A Hispanic woman is now praying to her estranged God. How does Petersen keep just breaking down these barriers!?
28:38 The Other Dillon is still alive? Oh, he's gonna be awful comic relief.
29:22 That sure is a lot of horrible, jagged spikes at the bottom of that elevator shaft....
31:18 Someone is gonna get crushed when this damn elevator falls. Or it will be a close, close shave.
33:29 Whoa! Whoa! Dreyfuss just fucking executed Freddy Rodriguez! Holy shit!
33:38 Oh, he got gigadead.
35:10 Okay, seriously now, can we please leave Emptysack to die? Please? He's awful.
36:19 And now he's free he can't even walk on his own. If Alien Resurrection taught us anything, it's that the cripple just slows you down in a survival situation. Vriess got Christie killed, remember?
39:30 Kurt Russell used to be mayor of New York? We can only hope, people. Also, there's an Escape From New York joke here somewhere.
40:18 Emptysack just climbed out onto a twisted bridge of melty steel (despite being barely able to walk), surrounded by sparking cables and about eight stories above frigid seawater. This might be it.
41:30 Kurt Russell's character used to be a firefighter and they keep referencing it, but I prefer to imagine they're all big fans of Backdraft.
42:20 The Other Dillon just started talking and won't shut up about how lucky he is. He's about to be proven wrong.
42:41 They just dropped a fucking engine on him! Man, people die in this feature and they really go for it!
42:50 Smooshed by an engine, pinned underwater and he's about to be gasoline flambeed.
43:58 Mr. Russell is not pleased by WhoreDaughter's engagement to Emptysack and nor should he be. That guy's a waste of bones.
44:15 HeroGuy just dove through a lake of fire! I would've laughed if it had been three feet deep.
46:37 Here come those cracks in that window. Sucks to be you, Andre.
47:24 Oh, hey, Fergie's in this movie, too. I forgot.
49:02 Air vents, really? And we're only halfway? Goddamn.
54:27 The tool they use to all keep from drowning is a crucifix necklace. Roar!
55:32 Mr. Russell is obsessed with air vents and ducting!
56:39 This lot are like the fucking Suicide A-Team! No wonder their casualty rate is so high!
59:28 They're all shooting through this relatively-small vent and no one has smashed their head on the sharp metal edge. Why won't Emptysack die!?
61:58 Finally, the Hispanic girl stops bleating and crying and whining. By drowning.
62:10 NO, DREYFUSS, DON'T GO BACK! SHE'S WORTHLESS!
64:58 Emptysack also lied to a woman so he could endanger her young son. I hope the monster from Deep Rising shows up and murderapes him.
65:24 Wait a second. What are they going to do when they get to the keel of the boat? They're still in the middle of the ocean.
66:03 Some tapping leads our adventurers to conclude there's a rescue. This, I predict, is false hope.
66:12 Yes! False hope!
66:53 Thanks for telling this group of upset, distraught people exactly how the pile of corpses in front of them died, Mr. Russell.
69:17 I bet the sodas in that machine are all shaken-up and fizzy.
72:17 That damn kid's like the cat from Alien.
74:54 How the hell did the little shit get in there? Also, Mr. Russell's going to die when he and fucking Emptysack go to turn off the propellers. God damn it. They're gonna have a moment and Emptysack's not going to call him 'sir' because that was something they talked about when he was having a whiskey all the way back at the start of the film.
76:28 Oh? Emptysack is going instead of Kurt Russell. This might be the greatest coup since fucking Gadaffi!
76:55 NO, KURT! LET HIM DIE!
77:00 Her anguish is all your fucking fault, Emptysack!
78:26 That computer would not be working under that much damn water.
79:16 FUCK THIS SHIT! Russell went out saving all you bitch-asses. His death is on your head, WhoreDaughter, and yours, Emptysack. May his ghost haunt your boudoir.
84:12 Well, gee, WhoreDaughter, maybe if you hadn't been such a shitty daughter, Kurt Russell wouldn't be dead.
86:10 Oh, so now the boat rolls back over. Also, where did that raft come from?
87:02 There's is nothing left on this boat to explode. Stop showing explosions.
87:22 Don't anyone say 'Happy New Year' to the flare. Just don't do it.
88:09 Laugh it up, whore, you killed Kurt Russell.
1When I was watching the film, I thought Richard Dreyfuss had been in the original film; he was not. Assume he was.
00:02 Holy shit, what hell kind of aspect ratio is this? I gotta pause while I look this up; this is some extreme widescreen. 2.35:1, that's ridiculous. The Golden Ratio is 1.62:1.
00:40 The film's total runtime is 98:04. Minus six minutes for credits (the Next Rule) gives 92:04. I thought this film was supposed to be an epic.
00:56 Wolfgang Petersen, director, always makes me think of the guy who plays Gil Grissom on CSI. Is he William Petersen, or something?
01:02 Kurt Russell gets second billing to Josh Lucas? I'm sorry; I thought Kurt fucking Russell deserved some fucking respect around here, but I guess I was wrong.
01:48 Freddy Rodriguez is in this film, too. It's like a Grindhouse preunion.
01:55 Stacey Ferguson makes this even more Grindhouse-y goodness! Let's not be fooled, though, I'm here for his Kurtness and ridiculous action-disaster setpieces.
02:45 I was about to point out how crazy-big this ship is, but I suppose that's the point.
03:01 So far, I count three pools on this boat, which is stupid. I'm also thinking this project (yes, we now have a project; I think I'll make notes and release them every Thursday night) will teach me a lot about relative timelines of films. Based on Next, the film proper should start very very soon.
03:33 Here we go. This cabin is bigger than my fucking house.
03:45 Helloooooo, Mr. Russell! He better not have to sacrifice himself for one of these snot-nosed punk kids.
04:42 Mr. Russell drinking whiskey while arguing with his insolent daughter about her making out with Emptysack DiSalvo - check.
04:45 Oh, yeah, I nicknamed Kurt Russell's daughter's boyfriend 'Emptysack DiSalvo' and in doing so have made him far more interesting and rounded than the screenwriters did.
05:05 Ethnic characters on what appears to be a behind-the-scenes Stepin Fetchitt cooks-and-cleaners deck now. Kudos, Mr. Petersen.
05:22 Good Christ! Are cruise ships really this goddamn opulent!?
06:40 Freddy Rodriguez as a waiter. I like how this film challenges the audience to think outside stereotypes and perhaps even their comfort zone. Kurt Russell as a family-friendly hard-nosed dad; Freddy Rodriguez as a waiter; what's next, Fergie as a cocktail singer?
06:41 I ask a lot of questions in these things so far....
07:41 Andre Braugher orating eloquently! Brilliant!
07:48 He just said Poseidon made his home on the ocean floor. That's...that's a weighty statement. I don't think it's a good idea to say that to a (literal) boatload of people aboard a ship called Poseidon.
08:09 Hot fuck! She is the cocktail singer!
08:48 The name 'Kevin Dillon' came up in the credits and I idly wondered if he's any relation to Matt Dillon. He is; he's clearly Matt's low-rent stand-in.
10:08 Mr. Russell's whore of a daughter just cost him something like sixty grand at poker. I hope that slut gets a Columbian necktie.
11:32 How did that waiter just pop up with two glasses on champagne right as HeroBoy (I don't know who the fuck this guy is, maybe Josh Lucas?) starts hitting on a woman?
12:04 HeroBoy is like an awkward quasi-Owen Wilson and it freaks me out.
15:18 Dreyfuss just tossed his phone into the ocean. I hate it when characters do that shit.
15:28 Reflection of the giant ass-rogue wave in the captain binoculars - pretty cool.
15:53 Oh, he was about to commit suicide. Throwing the phone still doesn't make much sense.
17:25 The Poseidon is apparently out of Southampton. The Titanic departed from Southampton. Also, who goes to pool at midnight on New Year's?
18:55 Why are parts of the ship exploding? Was the boat not designed to not explode when capsized? Is it some sort of foolhardy righting mechanism?
19:00 Oh, yes, let's cook the domestics. They're only ethnic.
19:46 With the propellers stuck out of the water, the boat's like a beetle on its back. Teehee!
20:41 Mr. Russell throws these corpses about like a fucking pro! He's done this before!
21:08 WhoreDaughter goes looking for Emptysack DiSalvo instead of her bamf of a dad, silly bitch.
21:15 Dammit! I thought he was dead!
22:04 Mr. Russell can't help save stupid goddamn Emptysack because he's about to rescue a kid from a piano stuck four stories up (down?). This whole capsized bullshit fucks with your sense of direction.
22:20 Relax, lady, Mr. Russell used to be a fireman. In Backdraft!
22:26 In the real world, this kid would go straight through the fucking curtain safety sheet they've got and just pancake on the ceiling below.
22:39 Meanwhile, Emptysack still can't stand up.
22:57 Dear God of Electrical Water Hazards, please take the life of Emptysack DiSalvo. He is worthless and will probably get Kurt Russell killed before he can right the boat through sheer testicular density, amen.
23:10 WILL SOMETHING PLEASE KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!?
23:42 Andre Braugher just keeps on orating! Hit us with some exposition, my man, explain that giant wave we just saw!
24:06 I hate to break this to you, Andre, but that fancy GPS rescue system you just mentioned probably didn't work. You're probably about to board the SS Fucked.
24:33 This giant window in the side of the lobby, which Andre just said was keeping the whole boat afloat, is gonna crack right now.
25:43 Andre, just stop trying, you're never gonna out-balls the Computer Who Wore Tennis Shoes.
26:19 Listen to Dreyfuss, people. He knows how to get out of capsized Poseidons 1.
27:14 Are you gonna go with Richard 'Been Here, Done This' Dreyfus, El Wray, and Snake Plissken? What are you, a fucking idiot? Yes, you're gonna goddamn go, kid, quit stalling!
28:14 A Hispanic woman is now praying to her estranged God. How does Petersen keep just breaking down these barriers!?
28:38 The Other Dillon is still alive? Oh, he's gonna be awful comic relief.
29:22 That sure is a lot of horrible, jagged spikes at the bottom of that elevator shaft....
31:18 Someone is gonna get crushed when this damn elevator falls. Or it will be a close, close shave.
33:29 Whoa! Whoa! Dreyfuss just fucking executed Freddy Rodriguez! Holy shit!
33:38 Oh, he got gigadead.
35:10 Okay, seriously now, can we please leave Emptysack to die? Please? He's awful.
36:19 And now he's free he can't even walk on his own. If Alien Resurrection taught us anything, it's that the cripple just slows you down in a survival situation. Vriess got Christie killed, remember?
39:30 Kurt Russell used to be mayor of New York? We can only hope, people. Also, there's an Escape From New York joke here somewhere.
40:18 Emptysack just climbed out onto a twisted bridge of melty steel (despite being barely able to walk), surrounded by sparking cables and about eight stories above frigid seawater. This might be it.
41:30 Kurt Russell's character used to be a firefighter and they keep referencing it, but I prefer to imagine they're all big fans of Backdraft.
42:20 The Other Dillon just started talking and won't shut up about how lucky he is. He's about to be proven wrong.
42:41 They just dropped a fucking engine on him! Man, people die in this feature and they really go for it!
42:50 Smooshed by an engine, pinned underwater and he's about to be gasoline flambeed.
43:58 Mr. Russell is not pleased by WhoreDaughter's engagement to Emptysack and nor should he be. That guy's a waste of bones.
44:15 HeroGuy just dove through a lake of fire! I would've laughed if it had been three feet deep.
46:37 Here come those cracks in that window. Sucks to be you, Andre.
47:24 Oh, hey, Fergie's in this movie, too. I forgot.
49:02 Air vents, really? And we're only halfway? Goddamn.
54:27 The tool they use to all keep from drowning is a crucifix necklace. Roar!
55:32 Mr. Russell is obsessed with air vents and ducting!
56:39 This lot are like the fucking Suicide A-Team! No wonder their casualty rate is so high!
59:28 They're all shooting through this relatively-small vent and no one has smashed their head on the sharp metal edge. Why won't Emptysack die!?
61:58 Finally, the Hispanic girl stops bleating and crying and whining. By drowning.
62:10 NO, DREYFUSS, DON'T GO BACK! SHE'S WORTHLESS!
64:58 Emptysack also lied to a woman so he could endanger her young son. I hope the monster from Deep Rising shows up and murderapes him.
65:24 Wait a second. What are they going to do when they get to the keel of the boat? They're still in the middle of the ocean.
66:03 Some tapping leads our adventurers to conclude there's a rescue. This, I predict, is false hope.
66:12 Yes! False hope!
66:53 Thanks for telling this group of upset, distraught people exactly how the pile of corpses in front of them died, Mr. Russell.
69:17 I bet the sodas in that machine are all shaken-up and fizzy.
72:17 That damn kid's like the cat from Alien.
74:54 How the hell did the little shit get in there? Also, Mr. Russell's going to die when he and fucking Emptysack go to turn off the propellers. God damn it. They're gonna have a moment and Emptysack's not going to call him 'sir' because that was something they talked about when he was having a whiskey all the way back at the start of the film.
76:28 Oh? Emptysack is going instead of Kurt Russell. This might be the greatest coup since fucking Gadaffi!
76:55 NO, KURT! LET HIM DIE!
77:00 Her anguish is all your fucking fault, Emptysack!
78:26 That computer would not be working under that much damn water.
79:16 FUCK THIS SHIT! Russell went out saving all you bitch-asses. His death is on your head, WhoreDaughter, and yours, Emptysack. May his ghost haunt your boudoir.
84:12 Well, gee, WhoreDaughter, maybe if you hadn't been such a shitty daughter, Kurt Russell wouldn't be dead.
86:10 Oh, so now the boat rolls back over. Also, where did that raft come from?
87:02 There's is nothing left on this boat to explode. Stop showing explosions.
87:22 Don't anyone say 'Happy New Year' to the flare. Just don't do it.
88:09 Laugh it up, whore, you killed Kurt Russell.
1When I was watching the film, I thought Richard Dreyfuss had been in the original film; he was not. Assume he was.