Bad Blow-job Face and You: The Comprehensive Guide

[dancetheorange]

This is a detailed explanation of what makes a "bad blow-job face," as requested by interested parties. To clear up confusion, this term refers to the face of a potential giver of blow-jobs, not the receiver, and also is a general condition of the face that occurs normally at rest, not just in the act. For the sake of simplicity, I've focused on

Comments

[dancetheorange]

Which college would accept this essay? Last time I checked you don't need a degree to be a hooker. I'll look again, just in case. Maybe, not being addicted to meth or neglecting any illegitimate children, I could get a scholarship.

[she_tah]

this is incredible.

[dancetheorange]

Yeah, I'm always willing to go the extra mile to run a joke into the ground.

Dana and I are going to attend your orgy, aka going away party at Shorty's. I hope you're ready for me to get a little tipsy and violate your personal space.

[dancetheorange]

"Well your dick's in my mouth. What more do you want"?

Wait, it takes more than that? ;)

I respect your input on what makes a good bj, though I will reiterate for others that this whole thing isn't actually about bj's: it's about faces. A coworker said I was being silly, that noses have nothing to with blow-job skills. I told him he was correct, a nose is unlikely to interfere, but this isn't about what makes a good blow-job, it's about looking at someone and thinking, "Meh, I'd rather not."

Also, I'm still sad that you're leaving. You'd better have a couch in Brooklyn, and you'd better get ready for me to sleep on it.

[anonymous]

ugh, sorry about the double (triple) post.

[dancetheorange]

No worries, I took care of it.

[dancetheorange]

I'd suggest people who look bored in photos are lousy in bed. People who look too exuberant in photos are lousy in life.

This is quite the suggestion, and I think I like it. I'll probably repeat it in social settings, if you don't mind.

I tend to gravitate towards this personality in my dating life as well: too introverted, interesting conversation, but requiring too much management and energy. Too extroverted, total lack of cerebral opinion.I do this too, and was aware of it, but reading it hit pretty close to home. I'm a very social person, fairly outgoing, and have more friends than is probably reasonable. I balance that with an appetite for knowledge, an interest in cultural/artistic exploration and growth, and an enjoyment of outdoor activities. I have myriad faults, but count being well-rounded in my favor. For some reason, I am overwhelmingly attracted to the quiet, geeky ones. The ones who, when it's just the two of us, can have the most delightful inane/insightful/inspiring/clever conversations, but out in public require

[gorkii_monkey]

Interestingly enough, based on your requirements, a given sample of good blow job face girls would probably be bigger girls than non-GBJFG. Which would seem to support the armchair theory that fat girls give great head.

[dancetheorange]

I thought fat girls gave great head because they're hungry?

I kid. I think it has more to do with them being grateful.

Actually though, while I agree the heavy-girl theory has some merit (all second-hand knowledge, of course), traits like a big nose* and a weak chin are just as BBJF on heavy girls than thinner ones, if not more so. The extra-weight/weak-chin combo creates the dreaded chin curtain - when a person has no discernible neck, just fat that connects their chin to their chest. In my mind, that is not erection-inspiring, though I'll be the first to admit that I do not have a penis and cannot get an erection. This is all speculation.

*The nose thing has to do with overall facial aesthetics and there have been scientific studies to back me up on people preferring faces that are more balanced; I'm not just being an asshole.

[gorkii_monkey]

Hmm. Agreed - it would seem there are countervailing factors that would be going on, and it might end up a wash.

I'd like to throw in a phrase used by a friend of mine, when she describes why she couldn't ever be interested in a guy: dark sparkle. It could be sense of humor, mischevious grin, or something else... I think that people who lack any semblance of such traits probably give pretty crap head, guy or girl.

Also, men who listen to metal. Can you imagine them giving good head?

[dancetheorange]

No. But that's probably because I expect them to use their mouths for things like biting the heads off of bats.