Comments | datinandrelatin: Crushing on a coworker

canttakethesky0 in datinandrelatin

Crushing on a coworker

Sep 06, 2014 13:54

I've been crushing really bad on a coworker, D, for months now and I'm unsure what I should do about the situation. Initially, I assumed the crush would go away but it has only gotten stronger with time. However, we both have SOs and I have become extremely confused both about my own feelings and his.

( The details )

trust, crushes, fidelity, coworkers, dating, work, cheating, non monogamy

Comments 9

bedesiderata September 7 2014, 20:29:16 UTC

Wow, you're situation bears an eery resemblance to what I am currently dealing with ( ... )

canttakethesky0 September 9 2014, 05:04:43 UTC

Thanks for the great comment! I also tried to analyze what attracted me to D and whether I felt those things were missing in my relationship. I hope this doesn't sound superficial, but one of the things was definitely financial security - D seems to be doing great while my boyfriend can barely pay the bills each moth. My boyfriend is also a single dad and I struggle with the sacrifices that I have had to make for his child. D does not have children and does a lot of things I would love the chance to do, such as travel.

(The comment has been removed)

canttakethesky0 September 9 2014, 04:57:45 UTC

My coworker is actually a consultant so it's really going to depend on if there's any more work coming up for him when this project ends. If there's no work, he'll move on to his next job, which is a bit of a relief for me.

cosmicwonder September 8 2014, 17:37:33 UTC

First, while I think it's perfectly natural to have crushes on other people, I think it's wrong to pursue the crush when you are in a monogamous relationship with another person. If you want to go after the crush, the right thing to do is to talk about the situation with the person you have a relationship with.

Second, I agree with k611 that dating co-workers in general is a bad idea, especially because it can negatively affect your work. In your case, this is particularly important as you're working on a big project with him.

Third, this guy comes off as sleazy to me. I don't think someone is a gentleman if they're making off-hand remarks about cheating with you, buying lunch for you, making sexual jokes, etc. when he knows that you're with someone else. If anything, this is super disrespectful. Beyond this activity being a major turn-off for me, it'd also make me question his commitment to me if he wanted to pursue dating me.

_whatnext September 11 2014, 05:04:48 UTC

I came here to say what cosmicwonder said in their last paragraph. There's nothing "gentlemanly" going on here, and I find it interesting that the OP chose that particular word (genuinely; I'm not intending snark there).

That said, it sounds like it might be time for you to reevaluate your relationship with your boyfriend, OP, regardless of what happens with the coworker.

coffeeforone September 8 2014, 22:21:45 UTC

I would discourage invites and having him buy you free meals. He's in a relationship himself. Think if your boyfriend was doing exactly what D was doing to a woman co-worker at his work, would you be comfortable with that interaction?

What seems OK in conversation with a coworker: what you guys did this weekend, etc
What's not OK is talking about difficulties you're having in your relationship.

I would suggest reading this book:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00120955S

canttakethesky0 September 9 2014, 05:01:46 UTC

I completely see your point here, but what if I DON'T feel uncomfortable if I imagine my boyfriend behaving like D with a woman at his work? Is this just a sign that I need to move on from my current relationship, regardless of my feelings for D? I'm not polyamorous and do tend to get jealous (though not irrationally and I don't act on it), so this is unusual for me.

On top of my feelings for D, it's hard to understand whether my current relationship isn't working or if it's just a phase because of a crush that got out of control.

coffeeforone September 10 2014, 17:46:40 UTC

Do you truly feel comfortable if your boyfriend was behaving like D with another woman at work? Of course, everybody has a different level of comfort/boundaries in each relationship.

Have you opened up this discussion with your boyfriend at all? I think you should also consider what his feelings are about that. You don't have to even bring up the specifics but how does he feel about you talking about your relationship to other people (male or female)?

And if you decide you want to stay with your current boyfriend, I would back off on D's invites and even mentioning that you would like to keep a professional work setting and that his interactions with you are crossing that line.

And to be honest, unless D breaks it off with his gf, he shouldn't be acting like that with his coworker. I agree it's a little sleazy if he's acting like that when he's a relationship.

amymeenieminymo October 6 2014, 04:56:28 UTC

I agree with others who said you are basically having an emotional affair with this co-worker. As someone who has been cheated on both physically and emotionally, I will say the emotional aspect of it hurt way more than the physical aspect. I'm not trying to be judgey, just trying to point out the potential severity of what's going on ( ... )