Its that time again...

[deadlanguage]

This is a chapter in what will hopefully become a book. This is chapter one of the second story. I would really love some feedback if you have the chance. Like before this is a rough draft, so on, so forth. Please feel free to constructively criticize. I know its flawed, I just want to get more than my own opinion so I can have some sense of

Comments

[bruisedhips]

I'm no critic but the story sounds really interesting!
The only thing I could suggest is more description. Like, when you say; "Next to the Nile apartments had moved in a “massage” parlor, next to a bondage shop, next to a store specializing in drug paraphernalia." It leaves too much to my imagination, which is too much work for a reader.
But I know you said this is a rough so Im sure there is plenty of sentence development, etc in the works.
Do you know the Nile Apartments in San Diego? I almost moved into them two years ago!!

[deadlanguage]

Yes! This whole bit is based on a portion of town that is very near where I live, including the Nile apartments. Actually, I mention the Nile again later in the book, but that is neither here nor there... Thank you for the comments, I really really appreciate your input!

[bruisedhips]

How funny. I love those apartments so much, I used to get a panini and coffee at that cafe next door and hang out on the little patio all the time. I miss that area a lot.
Do you ever go to that awesomely strange thrift shop on University? I think I might have to make a trip down soon and check out the records in there and my favorite book dealers in Hillcrest. I miss it so.

[deadlanguage]

What a small world, I currently live on the North end of that street, very near Twiggs. There are several awesomely strange thrift shops on University, the largest being the African Alliance. The venerable Michael Payne works there three days a week. He's been in the vintage clothing game for something like 30 years here in San Diego.

They've moved Off the Record to North Park now, but Bluestocking Books is still on 5th avenue. If you want to grab a coffee or something next time you come down here let me know.

[ioso]

i've emailed you.

[andme]

I'm not sure where you're leading, but it seems like (unless you plan to use the images for metaphors later), the first two paragraphs don't really contribute to the story. I was sort of overwhelmed by them. Even though I've learned all of those terms, I felt like I was being taught something. Maybe these details can come in later? I understand the "reigning forever" detail is important, so I'm not really sure about that.

I love the roots of this idea. The scenery and the character seem like they have a lot of potential. This will be a lot of fun to write.

[deadlanguage]

Thank you very much for your input, it is greatly appreciated. I hope it will be fun to write, I plan on devoting most of my summer to it.

[grapefruitgirl]

Thanks for posting this! There is great detail in the writing throughout, and (especially in the beginning when talking about Egypt) a mythical tone that reminds me of the work of Paulo Coelho (an amazing writer).

I love the social commentary through the ages, especially the modern scene of the theater. It is very vivid and postmodern.

And great segway of the ages of that same spot on the earth into the character who the reader is about to hear more about…Magda.

Very intriguing, I want to read more...

~

[grapefruitgirl]

modern scene of the theater turned "sterile lofts with high ceilings" I should say...

~

[deadlanguage]

Thank you very much for your comments. I think post-modernism is going to end up being a large part of this book, even though I didn't exactly mean it to be. I guess its just the conditions of the time...

[thebaggageclaim]

awesome.

[deadlanguage]

Thank you!