He's a Monster and I'm My Own Worst Enemy (2/2) [for lahdeedah000]
one | part two
He manages to make it to breakfast even though he's sure he looks like he's been scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe. He feels like crap.
“So?” Jackson says, bounding up to him. It reminds Jinyoung of the rabbit in his dream and he startles slightly.
“So what?” He replies, busying himself getting out bowls and preparing something resembling food and trying not to think about Jackson's teeth biting into his leg.
“Did you guys talk?”
Jinyoung rolls his eyes. He doesn't know why Jackson bothers asking when he clearly already knows everything from Jaebum.
“Yes.” Jinyoung says irritably. It’s far too early in the morning to be dealing with Jackson’s energy.
“And?” Jackson catches Jinyoung by the arm and forces him to turn towards him. Jinyoung scowls.
“And nothing. We know where we stand, now. There’s nothing more to be said.”
For once in his life Jackson appears to be speechless. He stares at Jinyoung with complete incredulity.
“You’re your own worst enemy you know that?” He says.
At that moment the kitchen is filled with Yugyeom and Bambam chattering away and whatever Jinyoung was going to say is lost in the clamour and manic rush to have breakfast and get ready to leave for the day. Just as well, because even Jinyoung doesn’t know what that would be.
Xxx
A week later nothing has really changed between him and Jaebum. They carry on much as before. They joke and play and even though it isn’t quite right - Mark and Jackson keep watching them with worried eyes - it’s okay. The only thing that’s different is now Jinyoung is truly aware of how much he’s fucked things up.
He’s is still thinking about what Jackson said in the kitchen and what Jaebum accused him of the night before that - denying himself the right to love Jaebum. The more Jinyoung thinks about it the more he sees it’s true. He’s never really given Jaebum a chance, not even in the recesses of his own mind. He loves him, worse, he’s in love with him, but he’d always put Jaebum so firmly off limits that even to think of him that way felt too much like picking the forbidden fruit. Instead everything he has done has been based on burying his feelings deeper and deeper, pushing them further and further down so that in the end he wouldn’t be hurt.
Except he is hurt, and Jaebum is too.
Honestly, Jinyoung drives himself mad. If he weren’t such a stubborn, scared little bitch he could be with Jaebum right now but he isn’t - he’s miserable and alone, just like Jackson said he was. His own worst enemy.
He needs to change.
So, for the first time since he realised he was in love with Jaebum, Jinyoung allows himself to imagine what being kissed by Jaebum would be like.
They’ve kissed before, sort of. There was a piece of paper in the way but Jinyoung remembers the heat of lips and the callouses on the pads of Jaebum’s fingers. It felt good to be so close, to be surrounded in his warmth and scent and have the whole of his body pressed up against Jaebum’s.
He squirms a little in his bed. It feels awkward thinking of Jaebum like this even after giving himself permission. This is Jaebum - awkward, dorky, grandpa-like Jaebum who loves bad puns and making model ships and adores his cat more than anything else in the world. But then he thinks, this is also the Jaebum whose body is hard and taught from years of dancing. The Jaebum who makes body rolls look like sin, the sweat dripping off his neck and soaking into the collar of his shirts. The Jaebum whose gaze is hot enough to melt steel and fry Jinyoung’s nerves to all hell.
Jinyoung swallows thickly. He’s hard. He can feel his dick throbbing in his pants, insistent and impossible to ignore. He edges his hand down his torso to the waistband of his sweatpants. A flush of shame hits him. Is he really going to do this? Is he really going to jack off thinking about his bandmate?
But he has to. More than that, he wants to.
This is probably the first time thinking about someone while wanking to someone has been a noble cause. Jinyoung thinks wryly.
He tries to picture it again - Jaebum’s hands replacing his own as he drags him over his body: larger, warmer hands pushing down his pants and wrapping around his cock. He thinks of Jaebum nibbling and sucking at his neck in turn and how his eyes would shift from almost-black to a shade darker than night itself. He thinks of sharing breath with him, panting into Jaebum’s open mouth and stealing Jaebum’s air with kisses until their lips are red and sore.
It feels so sinfully good he has to bite into his pillow to muffle the groans that spill from his lips unbidden. Even better than with some of my ex’s, he thinks deliriously. Why the fuck have I been denying myself this?
His orgasm takes him completely by surprise. It crashes over him like a tidal wave and leaves him dizzy. Belatedly he realises it was Jaebum’s name on his lips as he came. He blushes.
He really, really hopes Yugyeom and Bambam didn’t hear that.
Xxx
The problem is even though thinking of Jaebum gave Jinyoung the greatest orgasm of his life, it has also left Jinyoung completely unable to look Jaebum in the eye. It’s ridiculous. Jinyoung has never been shy around Jaebum (a fact he refuses to attribute to his emotional seppuku) but all of a sudden he can’t stop blushing and stammering like an idiot. He hates it. It’s got so bad Jinyoung all but flees the room every time Jaebum enters.
Jaebum has noticed. Jinyoung isn’t surprised - he’s always been quick on the uptake so he’s bound to notice when Jinyoung so conspicuously makes himself scarce every time Jaebum’s around. Jinyoung also knows that it’s making Jaebum angry. They had settled back into a routine after their argument several weeks ago. They were friends and everything was, well not exactly fine but at least something approaching normal, and now Jinyoung is fucking everything up. Again.
But he can’t help it - every time he sees Jaebum he’s brought straight back to the hands he imagined on his body and the filth he forced his fantasy Jaebum to whisper into his ear and he panics. He feels like Jaebum is going to look at him and read his thoughts and then he’ll know what a creep Jinyoung is.
(Seriously, he’s been hard more in the last week than in all his teenage years combined it feels like and there’s only so many times he can think of Park Jinyoung senior in one day, alright.)
So, in short, avoiding Jaebum is his only option.
Typically, as with all plans that don’t take into account the fact of living with six other young men in a very confined space, Jinyoung plan comes undone.
He creeps into the kitchen late one night to get a glass of water, managing to skilfully slip by the sleeping maknaes. He is just congratulating himself on a ninja-ing well done when he spots Jaebum leaning against the sink, glass of water in hand and shirtless, with sweatpants riding low on his hips and hair ruffled from sleep. Jinyoung stiffens immediately. He wants to turn and run away but it’s too late - Jaebum has seen him.
Jinyoung pushes down his apprehension and heads over to the cupboard to get himself a glass, aware all the while of the heat of Jaebum’s stare on his back.
Ignore it, Jinyoung. He tells himself. Just pretend everything is normal. Get yourself some water and leave. You can do this.
Except just as he’s reaching up the weight of that stare becomes a real, solid presence behind him.
Jaebum.
“What are you doing?” He asks nervously. He sees Jaebum places his hands on the counter on either side of his hips.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Jaebum replies. “Why have you been avoiding me, Jinyoungie?”
“I’m not avoiding you.” Jinyoung denies, even as he fights the urge to break free from Jaebum’s hold and make his escape. Every inch of Jaebum is pressed up against Jinyoung’s back - he can feel the planes of Jaebum’s chest and the firmness of his thighs tucked in behind Jinyoung’s - and it’s making something flutter in his stomach. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears, fast and erratic. His cheeks burn.
“Stop lying to me.” Jaebum growls against the skin of Jinyoung’s neck. A tremor of desire runs hot through Jinyoung like lightening. It heads straight to his crotch, pressed tight against the counter by Jaebum’s weight. His hips jerk.
Shit.
Jinyoung wants to die of embarrassment. Jaebum must have felt it, close as they are. Please, let it go. He prays. Just this once, Jaebum. Don’t notice, just let it go.
“Jinyoung?” Jaebum says. It’s soft and worried, all anger suddenly gone, and it makes Jinyoung’s chest ache. He wants to tell Jaebum he’s okay. That he’s not ill, or scared - he’s never been scared of Jaebum even in his wildest, most uncontrollable fits of rage - but before he can bring himself to speak gentle hands are turning him around and he’s staring into Jaebum’s eyes. They’re so dark, even up this close. So pretty.
“Jinyoung?” Jaebum repeats.
Shitshitshit.
“I’m fine.” He tries to surreptitiously pull his t-shirt down over his crotch to hide his growing hard on but Jaebum sees it. He knows what it means. He’s a guy too.
“Um.” Jaebum’s eyes flicker down to Jinyoung’s crotch again. The tips of his ears go pink. “Are you…?”
At this point Jinyoung is too embarrassed to even come up with a response. It’s not like he’s never been hard in front of any of his bandmates (how could they avoid it, living on top of each other as they do) but it’s never been like this - with the cause of his little problem practically pressed up against him.
“Let me go.”
“No.” Jaebum pulls him in tighter, ignoring Jinyoung’s futile attempts to push him away. “If that’s because of me, I’m not letting you go.”
“It’s not because of you.” Jinyoung fires back. “I’m a man, anything and everything gives me a boner. You know, trees, the weather, glasses of water…”
Jaebum smiles. “Liar.”
Jinyoung stops struggling. The more he does so, the more his traitorous dick takes interest and there is literally no space between them now. If Jaebum shifted just slightly, he’d feel the evidence for himself.
He tries to change the subject. “I thought you were still mad at me.” Maybe if Jaebum remembers that he’ll let Jinyoung go.
“I was.” Jaebum replies nonchalantly. “I’m not anymore - for now at least.”
“Was getting a boner all I needed to do to get you to forgive me?” Jinyoung jokes, semi-serious.
“Later.” Jaebum promises. “We’ll talk about forgiveness later.”
Then without warning Jaebum rolls his body forward, slotting his leg in between Jinyoung’s. Jinyoung gasps. It’s at this point, amidst the haze of pleasure of finally, finally feeling pressure where he wanted it most, that Jinyoung can feel that Jaebum is getting hard too - his dick is hot and heavy against Jinyoung’s thigh, burning through the flimsy material of their sweat pants. It’s heady - the idea that Jaebum’s cock is hard for Jinyoung and no one else. Powerful, and frightening all at once.
“God.” Jaebum lets out a breathy laugh, breaking Jinyoung from his thoughts. “I’ve thought about this so many times - what this would be like. Never thought it’d be in our kitchen though.”
He sounds about as overwhelmed as Jinyoung feels and somehow it sets Jinyoung at ease. The confident, sexually aware Jaebum who started this is hot, there’s no doubt about that, but this Jaebum - the one who sounds like he’s as out of his depth as Jinyoung is - that’s the Jaebum Jinyoung met at the audition all those years ago. That’s the Jaebum he first fell in love with.
Jinyoung understands. He knows what Jaebum is thinking because he’s thinking it himself. They love each other. They are in love with each other and yet somehow the reality of it - actually being physically at the precipice that separates friends from lovers - feels almost overwhelming.
Except, unlike all the times before when his feelings have risen up from his breast to suffocate him, this time Jinyoung refuses to run away. He is finally ready.
“You want to know how I imagined it?” Jinyoung whispers. It doesn’t sound sexy, it comes out quiet and scared. He almost falters, stops, but then he feels Jaebum’s dick jump against his thigh and it gives him the courage he needs to continue. “We’re in a bed - a hotel bed - and we’ve just taken a shower. I’m lying underneath you and you’re in between my legs.”
“Yeah?” He hears Jaebum murmur against his neck.
“You keep making hickeys even though you know the coordi-noonas are going to kill me-”
“Like this?” Jaebum sucks gently on Jinyoung’s collarbones where they peek out from under his ragged old t-shirt and Jinyoung’s breath catches.
“Yeah…” He moans. He couldn’t have imagined how good this would feel.
“What else?”
Jaebum, ever impatient Jaebum.
“You slip your hands up my shirt.”
Jaebum’s fingers play with the hem of Jinyoung’s shirt as if scared to follow Jinyoung’s directions exactly and where they brush Jinyoung’s skin it feels as if he’s being touched by fire. Shyly they slip under and trace circles on Jinyoung’s hips.
No - it isn’t Jaebum’s finger’s moving at all but Jinyoung himself - hips winding in lazy circles against Jaebum’s thigh. He hadn’t even realised he was doing it but it feels too good to stop.
“Oh god.” He breathes as Jaebum sucks another bruise on his neck.
“What happens next?” Jaebum pants, breath damp against Jinyoung’s skin.
“Then-” He gasps. “You kiss me.”
Jaebum pulls back. He says nothing, just studies Jinyoung’s face intensely with eyes as black as pitch. Jinyoung squirms. Did he go too far? Was asking for a kiss too much too soon? His heart sinks. Maybe Jaebum hadn’t forgiven him after all.
Slowly, painfully slowly, Jaebum leans forward and presses pink, already shiny lips to Jinyoung’s. It’s chaste. Just lips against lips. Then Jaebum tentatively starts to move his lips against Jinyoung’s and it’s perfect.
Oh, the counter is digging in to Jinyoung’s back and Jaebum’s grip on his hips is just this side of too tight but the kiss itself - Jinyoung can’t ask for anything more. His heart is racing and feels like butterflies are fighting inside his chest and all his senses are screaming at him JaebumJaebumJaebum.
“I love you.” Jinyoung says without thinking as he pulls back.
Jaebum stops moving. The look on his face is indecipherable - somewhere lodged between hope and fear perhaps - and Jinyoung is struck once again by just how much he’s fucked this thing between them up.
“I love you.” Jinyoung repeats more forcefully. “Do you believe me?”
Jaebum regards him seriously for a second. Then he kisses Jinyoung again. His tongue flicks at Jinyoung’s lips and immediately Jinyoung parts them to let him in. The kiss is hot and sloppy, all tongue and teeth and desperation. They’ve both been waiting so long and now that it’s happening it’s like they’re trying to fit in six years’ worth of kisses into this one moment.
“I love you.” Jinyoung says again in between kisses. “I love you.”
Kiss.
“I love you.”
Kiss.
Jaebum laughs and presses his lips even more firmly, not even letting Jinyoung come up for breath to stop him talking.
“You’re ridiculous.” He says.
“Your ridiculous.” Jinyoung corrects.
Jaebum’s eyes darken then. Jinyoung had always thought they couldn’t get any darker but he is proved wrong. Jaebum’s eyes are black. Jinyoung shivers.
“Mine?”
“Yours.”
Jaebum groans and presses himself even further into Jinyoung’s body as if trying to make them become one even with their clothes in the way. It feels… Jinyoung has no words to describe how it feels. Everything is too much.
His skin feels so sensitive it feels like all his verve endings are on fire. All he can smell is sweat and sex and Jaebum. He can hear Jaebum’s panting as loud as thunder and his own babbling like a waterfall crashing down onto bare rock. Jinyoung doesn’t know what he’s saying - a mixture of words, praises maybe he doesn’t know, Oh god, Jaebum, yes, so good, all murmured against Jaebum’s lips as they kiss over and over again - because all he can concentrate on is how amazingly good everything feels. Pleasure coils hot and liquid in the pit of his stomach.
“Fuck.” He groans, grinding hard into Jaebum’s thigh.
He’s so, so close. His hips are moving without rhythm now - frantic, desperate thrusts - and then Jaebum’s fingers dig into his hips and the spike of pain is enough to push Jinyoung over the edge. He comes with a muffled whimper, head thrown back as he spills into his pants. He feels Jaebum’s dick twitch against his thigh and then Jaebum’s coming too, biting down hard on Jinyoung’s neck as he does so.
They stand there for a while in silence, both breathing heavily. Jaebum’s head is buried in the crook of Jinyoung’s neck still. The bite he left throbs and Jinyoung knows he’s going to have a hell of a time hiding the mark from the ever-sharp eyes of his bandmates and the coodi-noonas but he can’t bring himself to care right now. He’s too happy for consequences to matter.
“C’mon.” Jaebum says finally, lifting his head from Jinyoung’s shoulder. He grabs Jinyoung’s hand and starts dragging him towards the bathroom. “I feel gross. Let’s get cleaned up.”
As soon as Jaebum says it Jinyoung becomes uncomfortably aware of the sticky cum now drying in his boxers and winces. He lets himself be dragged, still overwhelmed by what has just happened to put up a real fight. He has just come in his pants, in their kitchen, because of one Im Jaebum. It all feels surreal.
“We can share if you want. Save water, you know.”
Jaebum is not looking at him as he says this. He’s staring stubbornly ahead as they make their way to the bathroom but his ears turn pink. It’s so cute Jinyoung can’t help but smile.
“Yeah,” he says. “I want to.”
It feels good saying it. It feels good being with Jaebum, consequences be damned. As he sees Jaebum smile back, his gummy, goofy, eye-less smile, Jinyoung knows that whatever happens after this moment he will never regret giving them a chance.
There’s still a way to go. Jinyoung is still scared and Jaebum may not have fully forgiven him yet, but this is a good start.
That night he curls up in his bed with Jaebum’s arms around him and falls asleep happier than he’s been in a long, long time.
Xxx
Things aren’t okay overnight. Whether Jaebum says it or not, now that Jinyoung has opened his eyes he can see the full extent of the damage he wrought and how much Jaebum has been hurting and that doesn’t go away with a few kisses.
When Jaebum finally wakes up the next morning the first thing Jinyoung says to him is,
“I fucked up so bad, Jaebum, I’m so, so sorry. I can’t promise it won’t happen again but I promise that next time when I’m scared I’ll tell you and we’ll work through it together.”
He’d drafted it while Jaebum slept on, face calm and unworried in sleep because he felt he needed to do something to make amends.
Jaebum, however, just shifts and smiles at him. “I would have taken a ‘I love you Jaebum, be my boyfriend’, but this will do too.”
And Jinyoung knows that while he isn’t forgiven yet, he’s on his way.
Of course, them talking about everything means they fight more. Sometimes Jaebum just doesn’t get it because he just doesn’t think the way Jinyoung does. Jinyoung is constantly thinking about consequences and Jaebum doesn’t understand why Jinyoung has to make everything more complicated than it really is.
“Jinyoung, nothing worth it is ever easy!” He shouts during one of their arguments. “You think you telling me I couldn’t love you was easy? You think waiting for you to get your head out of your arse was easy? No it wasn’t, but I didn’t care! I dealt with all that crap because I knew that one day it would work out and it would be worth it. You were worth it then and you’re worth it now and I’m not going anywhere so stop making this more difficult than it needs to be!”
The fallout from that particular argument had lasted three days.
Jinyoung sometimes wondered if the other members preferred it before he and Jaebum got together, before they fought this way. He raised it to Mark once only for him to burst into helpless giggles.
“You think this is more stressful for me?” He had laughed. “Trust me, by the end I was almost ready to bang your heads together if you didn’t get your shit sorted out.” Then he had grown serious. “In all honesty Jinyoung, you were about to implode. You kept telling yourself you were fine but anyone who knew you knew you were coming apart at the seams. You were miserable.” He gives Jinyoung a squeeze. “I never want to see you like that again.”
Looking back Jinyoung knows Mark is right, just as Jackson was right (though it pains him to admit it). He was miserable. He’s happier with Jaebum, even with the occasional fight, than he ever was without.
It’s difficult to get used to life as Jaebum’s boyfriend and yet at the same time it’s not. Lots of things remain unchanged - they still live together, they still work together, they are still friends. They still have separate bedrooms, even if Jaebum spends more nights in Jinyoung’s bed than he does in his own, and yet now everything is more than it ever was. When they are waiting to go onstage and Jinyoung is nervous, there’s Jaebum’s hand in his, sweaty and yet still reassuring. When they sit on the sofa there’s no longer distance between them but Jinyoung sits cuddled up on Jaebum’s lap like a smug cat.
Jinyoung loves it.
Jinyoung loves Jaebum.
He doesn’t hesitate to tell Jaebum that either. Every day, at least once. Most of the time Jaebum rolls his eyes and placates him with a kiss but Jinyoung knows he likes it because he never tells Jinyoung to stop, even when their delightful friends made a point of gagging exaggeratedly.
“You’re just jealous.” Jinyoung tells them as he gazes adoringly into Jaebum’s eyes.
“Yeah, that’s what it is.” Yugyeom mutters.
“I think I’m going to throw up for real.” Bambam groans.
Jinyoung ignores them. He has Jaebum, and he’s happy. Whatever the future may bring, at least he can say that.
xxx
Several years later
The lights of the club flash around him, dizzyingly bright. He’s hot, he can feel the sweat soaking through his shirt, but he doesn’t care. He grinds back into the more than willing body behind him and smirks. The guy isn’t the best dancer - a little uncoordinated for Jinyoung’s taste - but he suits his purpose.
All he has to do now is wait.
“I’ll ask you to keep your hands off my boyfriend.” He hears someone say beside him, low and full of unspoken threats. Hands off or else.
It's Jaebum, looming over the poor man behind him with a look that promises death. His eyes are blazing with jealousy. Jinyoung’s skin prickles with heat. This is what he had been waiting for and he’s probably going to go to hell for this, but fuck Jaebum looks so hot when he’s pissed off.
The guy behind him stumbles back, mumbling apologies and excuses - I didn’t know he was taken man! I would never of - If I’d known… - and Jaebum smirks, pleased. He doesn’t take the stranger’s place - no, Jaebum doesn’t need to fill that guy’s shoes because he already knows he’s better - he simply slides a thigh in between Jinyoung’s. His hands grip Jinyoung’s waist, fingers digging into Jinyoung’s skin. Jinyoung bites his lip to keep the groan that bubbles up from escaping.
"You did that on purpose." Jaebum accuses.
"Maybe." Jinyoung replies coyly.
"You like it when I get possessive, huh?"
"Maybe." He bats his eyelashes and watches with satisfaction as Jaebum’s pupils dilate.
“You’re playing a dangerous game, Park Jinyoung. Haven’t you ever heard that it’s better to let sleeping dragons lie?” Jaebum growls in his ear.
“I only let them lie if they’re lying with me.” Jinyoung replies, wickedly grinding his hips forward into Jaebum’s. A rush of satisfaction runs through him as he feels Jaebum’s grip on his hips tighten and the groan that Jaebum presses into the skin of his neck.
Suddenly he’s being dragged out of the club by his wrist. That moment so many years ago flashes through Jinyoung’s mind. It’s the same but different - no longer wrapped in anger and jealousy but warmth and playfulness.
“We’re leaving.” Jaebum says.
“Why? I was having fun.” Jinyoung pouts.
Jaebum leans in close to his ear. They’re outside now and the warm breath against Jinyoung’s skin makes him shiver more than the cold night air.
“Trust me, you’ll have fun at home too.”
Well. Jinyoung can’t argue with that. All at once he’s overcome by a wave for love for his jealous, possessive boyfriend who puts up with Jinyoung’s moods and whims and need to wind him up constantly. He leans up and presses a kiss to Jaebum’s lips.
“I love you, you know that.”
Jaebum smiles, slightly bemused by Jinyoung’s sudden display of affection. “I know.”
“Well, don’t you have something to say back?” Jinyoung huffs.
Jaebum rolls his eyes. “I love you too.”
“And you’re mine right?”
Jaebum’s eyes glint. “Just as much as you are mine.”
Jinyoung presses himself up against Jaebum like an oversized cat. He feels Jaebum’s arms close around him tight and sighs contentedly. It may have been a long time since he finally accepted Jaebum’s love (and his own for his boyfriend) but every embrace feels just like the first and he honestly doesn’t know how he denied himself this for so long.
“Mine.” Says Jaebum. Jinyoung’s precious, possessive, perfect Jaebum.
“Yours.” He agrees. Forever and always.
one | part two
He manages to make it to breakfast even though he's sure he looks like he's been scraped off the bottom of someone's shoe. He feels like crap.
“So?” Jackson says, bounding up to him. It reminds Jinyoung of the rabbit in his dream and he startles slightly.
“So what?” He replies, busying himself getting out bowls and preparing something resembling food and trying not to think about Jackson's teeth biting into his leg.
“Did you guys talk?”
Jinyoung rolls his eyes. He doesn't know why Jackson bothers asking when he clearly already knows everything from Jaebum.
“Yes.” Jinyoung says irritably. It’s far too early in the morning to be dealing with Jackson’s energy.
“And?” Jackson catches Jinyoung by the arm and forces him to turn towards him. Jinyoung scowls.
“And nothing. We know where we stand, now. There’s nothing more to be said.”
For once in his life Jackson appears to be speechless. He stares at Jinyoung with complete incredulity.
“You’re your own worst enemy you know that?” He says.
At that moment the kitchen is filled with Yugyeom and Bambam chattering away and whatever Jinyoung was going to say is lost in the clamour and manic rush to have breakfast and get ready to leave for the day. Just as well, because even Jinyoung doesn’t know what that would be.
Xxx
A week later nothing has really changed between him and Jaebum. They carry on much as before. They joke and play and even though it isn’t quite right - Mark and Jackson keep watching them with worried eyes - it’s okay. The only thing that’s different is now Jinyoung is truly aware of how much he’s fucked things up.
He’s is still thinking about what Jackson said in the kitchen and what Jaebum accused him of the night before that - denying himself the right to love Jaebum. The more Jinyoung thinks about it the more he sees it’s true. He’s never really given Jaebum a chance, not even in the recesses of his own mind. He loves him, worse, he’s in love with him, but he’d always put Jaebum so firmly off limits that even to think of him that way felt too much like picking the forbidden fruit. Instead everything he has done has been based on burying his feelings deeper and deeper, pushing them further and further down so that in the end he wouldn’t be hurt.
Except he is hurt, and Jaebum is too.
Honestly, Jinyoung drives himself mad. If he weren’t such a stubborn, scared little bitch he could be with Jaebum right now but he isn’t - he’s miserable and alone, just like Jackson said he was. His own worst enemy.
He needs to change.
So, for the first time since he realised he was in love with Jaebum, Jinyoung allows himself to imagine what being kissed by Jaebum would be like.
They’ve kissed before, sort of. There was a piece of paper in the way but Jinyoung remembers the heat of lips and the callouses on the pads of Jaebum’s fingers. It felt good to be so close, to be surrounded in his warmth and scent and have the whole of his body pressed up against Jaebum’s.
He squirms a little in his bed. It feels awkward thinking of Jaebum like this even after giving himself permission. This is Jaebum - awkward, dorky, grandpa-like Jaebum who loves bad puns and making model ships and adores his cat more than anything else in the world. But then he thinks, this is also the Jaebum whose body is hard and taught from years of dancing. The Jaebum who makes body rolls look like sin, the sweat dripping off his neck and soaking into the collar of his shirts. The Jaebum whose gaze is hot enough to melt steel and fry Jinyoung’s nerves to all hell.
Jinyoung swallows thickly. He’s hard. He can feel his dick throbbing in his pants, insistent and impossible to ignore. He edges his hand down his torso to the waistband of his sweatpants. A flush of shame hits him. Is he really going to do this? Is he really going to jack off thinking about his bandmate?
But he has to. More than that, he wants to.
This is probably the first time thinking about someone while wanking to someone has been a noble cause. Jinyoung thinks wryly.
He tries to picture it again - Jaebum’s hands replacing his own as he drags him over his body: larger, warmer hands pushing down his pants and wrapping around his cock. He thinks of Jaebum nibbling and sucking at his neck in turn and how his eyes would shift from almost-black to a shade darker than night itself. He thinks of sharing breath with him, panting into Jaebum’s open mouth and stealing Jaebum’s air with kisses until their lips are red and sore.
It feels so sinfully good he has to bite into his pillow to muffle the groans that spill from his lips unbidden. Even better than with some of my ex’s, he thinks deliriously. Why the fuck have I been denying myself this?
His orgasm takes him completely by surprise. It crashes over him like a tidal wave and leaves him dizzy. Belatedly he realises it was Jaebum’s name on his lips as he came. He blushes.
He really, really hopes Yugyeom and Bambam didn’t hear that.
Xxx
The problem is even though thinking of Jaebum gave Jinyoung the greatest orgasm of his life, it has also left Jinyoung completely unable to look Jaebum in the eye. It’s ridiculous. Jinyoung has never been shy around Jaebum (a fact he refuses to attribute to his emotional seppuku) but all of a sudden he can’t stop blushing and stammering like an idiot. He hates it. It’s got so bad Jinyoung all but flees the room every time Jaebum enters.
Jaebum has noticed. Jinyoung isn’t surprised - he’s always been quick on the uptake so he’s bound to notice when Jinyoung so conspicuously makes himself scarce every time Jaebum’s around. Jinyoung also knows that it’s making Jaebum angry. They had settled back into a routine after their argument several weeks ago. They were friends and everything was, well not exactly fine but at least something approaching normal, and now Jinyoung is fucking everything up. Again.
But he can’t help it - every time he sees Jaebum he’s brought straight back to the hands he imagined on his body and the filth he forced his fantasy Jaebum to whisper into his ear and he panics. He feels like Jaebum is going to look at him and read his thoughts and then he’ll know what a creep Jinyoung is.
(Seriously, he’s been hard more in the last week than in all his teenage years combined it feels like and there’s only so many times he can think of Park Jinyoung senior in one day, alright.)
So, in short, avoiding Jaebum is his only option.
Typically, as with all plans that don’t take into account the fact of living with six other young men in a very confined space, Jinyoung plan comes undone.
He creeps into the kitchen late one night to get a glass of water, managing to skilfully slip by the sleeping maknaes. He is just congratulating himself on a ninja-ing well done when he spots Jaebum leaning against the sink, glass of water in hand and shirtless, with sweatpants riding low on his hips and hair ruffled from sleep. Jinyoung stiffens immediately. He wants to turn and run away but it’s too late - Jaebum has seen him.
Jinyoung pushes down his apprehension and heads over to the cupboard to get himself a glass, aware all the while of the heat of Jaebum’s stare on his back.
Ignore it, Jinyoung. He tells himself. Just pretend everything is normal. Get yourself some water and leave. You can do this.
Except just as he’s reaching up the weight of that stare becomes a real, solid presence behind him.
Jaebum.
“What are you doing?” He asks nervously. He sees Jaebum places his hands on the counter on either side of his hips.
“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Jaebum replies. “Why have you been avoiding me, Jinyoungie?”
“I’m not avoiding you.” Jinyoung denies, even as he fights the urge to break free from Jaebum’s hold and make his escape. Every inch of Jaebum is pressed up against Jinyoung’s back - he can feel the planes of Jaebum’s chest and the firmness of his thighs tucked in behind Jinyoung’s - and it’s making something flutter in his stomach. He can hear his heartbeat in his ears, fast and erratic. His cheeks burn.
“Stop lying to me.” Jaebum growls against the skin of Jinyoung’s neck. A tremor of desire runs hot through Jinyoung like lightening. It heads straight to his crotch, pressed tight against the counter by Jaebum’s weight. His hips jerk.
Shit.
Jinyoung wants to die of embarrassment. Jaebum must have felt it, close as they are. Please, let it go. He prays. Just this once, Jaebum. Don’t notice, just let it go.
“Jinyoung?” Jaebum says. It’s soft and worried, all anger suddenly gone, and it makes Jinyoung’s chest ache. He wants to tell Jaebum he’s okay. That he’s not ill, or scared - he’s never been scared of Jaebum even in his wildest, most uncontrollable fits of rage - but before he can bring himself to speak gentle hands are turning him around and he’s staring into Jaebum’s eyes. They’re so dark, even up this close. So pretty.
“Jinyoung?” Jaebum repeats.
Shitshitshit.
“I’m fine.” He tries to surreptitiously pull his t-shirt down over his crotch to hide his growing hard on but Jaebum sees it. He knows what it means. He’s a guy too.
“Um.” Jaebum’s eyes flicker down to Jinyoung’s crotch again. The tips of his ears go pink. “Are you…?”
At this point Jinyoung is too embarrassed to even come up with a response. It’s not like he’s never been hard in front of any of his bandmates (how could they avoid it, living on top of each other as they do) but it’s never been like this - with the cause of his little problem practically pressed up against him.
“Let me go.”
“No.” Jaebum pulls him in tighter, ignoring Jinyoung’s futile attempts to push him away. “If that’s because of me, I’m not letting you go.”
“It’s not because of you.” Jinyoung fires back. “I’m a man, anything and everything gives me a boner. You know, trees, the weather, glasses of water…”
Jaebum smiles. “Liar.”
Jinyoung stops struggling. The more he does so, the more his traitorous dick takes interest and there is literally no space between them now. If Jaebum shifted just slightly, he’d feel the evidence for himself.
He tries to change the subject. “I thought you were still mad at me.” Maybe if Jaebum remembers that he’ll let Jinyoung go.
“I was.” Jaebum replies nonchalantly. “I’m not anymore - for now at least.”
“Was getting a boner all I needed to do to get you to forgive me?” Jinyoung jokes, semi-serious.
“Later.” Jaebum promises. “We’ll talk about forgiveness later.”
Then without warning Jaebum rolls his body forward, slotting his leg in between Jinyoung’s. Jinyoung gasps. It’s at this point, amidst the haze of pleasure of finally, finally feeling pressure where he wanted it most, that Jinyoung can feel that Jaebum is getting hard too - his dick is hot and heavy against Jinyoung’s thigh, burning through the flimsy material of their sweat pants. It’s heady - the idea that Jaebum’s cock is hard for Jinyoung and no one else. Powerful, and frightening all at once.
“God.” Jaebum lets out a breathy laugh, breaking Jinyoung from his thoughts. “I’ve thought about this so many times - what this would be like. Never thought it’d be in our kitchen though.”
He sounds about as overwhelmed as Jinyoung feels and somehow it sets Jinyoung at ease. The confident, sexually aware Jaebum who started this is hot, there’s no doubt about that, but this Jaebum - the one who sounds like he’s as out of his depth as Jinyoung is - that’s the Jaebum Jinyoung met at the audition all those years ago. That’s the Jaebum he first fell in love with.
Jinyoung understands. He knows what Jaebum is thinking because he’s thinking it himself. They love each other. They are in love with each other and yet somehow the reality of it - actually being physically at the precipice that separates friends from lovers - feels almost overwhelming.
Except, unlike all the times before when his feelings have risen up from his breast to suffocate him, this time Jinyoung refuses to run away. He is finally ready.
“You want to know how I imagined it?” Jinyoung whispers. It doesn’t sound sexy, it comes out quiet and scared. He almost falters, stops, but then he feels Jaebum’s dick jump against his thigh and it gives him the courage he needs to continue. “We’re in a bed - a hotel bed - and we’ve just taken a shower. I’m lying underneath you and you’re in between my legs.”
“Yeah?” He hears Jaebum murmur against his neck.
“You keep making hickeys even though you know the coordi-noonas are going to kill me-”
“Like this?” Jaebum sucks gently on Jinyoung’s collarbones where they peek out from under his ragged old t-shirt and Jinyoung’s breath catches.
“Yeah…” He moans. He couldn’t have imagined how good this would feel.
“What else?”
Jaebum, ever impatient Jaebum.
“You slip your hands up my shirt.”
Jaebum’s fingers play with the hem of Jinyoung’s shirt as if scared to follow Jinyoung’s directions exactly and where they brush Jinyoung’s skin it feels as if he’s being touched by fire. Shyly they slip under and trace circles on Jinyoung’s hips.
No - it isn’t Jaebum’s finger’s moving at all but Jinyoung himself - hips winding in lazy circles against Jaebum’s thigh. He hadn’t even realised he was doing it but it feels too good to stop.
“Oh god.” He breathes as Jaebum sucks another bruise on his neck.
“What happens next?” Jaebum pants, breath damp against Jinyoung’s skin.
“Then-” He gasps. “You kiss me.”
Jaebum pulls back. He says nothing, just studies Jinyoung’s face intensely with eyes as black as pitch. Jinyoung squirms. Did he go too far? Was asking for a kiss too much too soon? His heart sinks. Maybe Jaebum hadn’t forgiven him after all.
Slowly, painfully slowly, Jaebum leans forward and presses pink, already shiny lips to Jinyoung’s. It’s chaste. Just lips against lips. Then Jaebum tentatively starts to move his lips against Jinyoung’s and it’s perfect.
Oh, the counter is digging in to Jinyoung’s back and Jaebum’s grip on his hips is just this side of too tight but the kiss itself - Jinyoung can’t ask for anything more. His heart is racing and feels like butterflies are fighting inside his chest and all his senses are screaming at him JaebumJaebumJaebum.
“I love you.” Jinyoung says without thinking as he pulls back.
Jaebum stops moving. The look on his face is indecipherable - somewhere lodged between hope and fear perhaps - and Jinyoung is struck once again by just how much he’s fucked this thing between them up.
“I love you.” Jinyoung repeats more forcefully. “Do you believe me?”
Jaebum regards him seriously for a second. Then he kisses Jinyoung again. His tongue flicks at Jinyoung’s lips and immediately Jinyoung parts them to let him in. The kiss is hot and sloppy, all tongue and teeth and desperation. They’ve both been waiting so long and now that it’s happening it’s like they’re trying to fit in six years’ worth of kisses into this one moment.
“I love you.” Jinyoung says again in between kisses. “I love you.”
Kiss.
“I love you.”
Kiss.
Jaebum laughs and presses his lips even more firmly, not even letting Jinyoung come up for breath to stop him talking.
“You’re ridiculous.” He says.
“Your ridiculous.” Jinyoung corrects.
Jaebum’s eyes darken then. Jinyoung had always thought they couldn’t get any darker but he is proved wrong. Jaebum’s eyes are black. Jinyoung shivers.
“Mine?”
“Yours.”
Jaebum groans and presses himself even further into Jinyoung’s body as if trying to make them become one even with their clothes in the way. It feels… Jinyoung has no words to describe how it feels. Everything is too much.
His skin feels so sensitive it feels like all his verve endings are on fire. All he can smell is sweat and sex and Jaebum. He can hear Jaebum’s panting as loud as thunder and his own babbling like a waterfall crashing down onto bare rock. Jinyoung doesn’t know what he’s saying - a mixture of words, praises maybe he doesn’t know, Oh god, Jaebum, yes, so good, all murmured against Jaebum’s lips as they kiss over and over again - because all he can concentrate on is how amazingly good everything feels. Pleasure coils hot and liquid in the pit of his stomach.
“Fuck.” He groans, grinding hard into Jaebum’s thigh.
He’s so, so close. His hips are moving without rhythm now - frantic, desperate thrusts - and then Jaebum’s fingers dig into his hips and the spike of pain is enough to push Jinyoung over the edge. He comes with a muffled whimper, head thrown back as he spills into his pants. He feels Jaebum’s dick twitch against his thigh and then Jaebum’s coming too, biting down hard on Jinyoung’s neck as he does so.
They stand there for a while in silence, both breathing heavily. Jaebum’s head is buried in the crook of Jinyoung’s neck still. The bite he left throbs and Jinyoung knows he’s going to have a hell of a time hiding the mark from the ever-sharp eyes of his bandmates and the coodi-noonas but he can’t bring himself to care right now. He’s too happy for consequences to matter.
“C’mon.” Jaebum says finally, lifting his head from Jinyoung’s shoulder. He grabs Jinyoung’s hand and starts dragging him towards the bathroom. “I feel gross. Let’s get cleaned up.”
As soon as Jaebum says it Jinyoung becomes uncomfortably aware of the sticky cum now drying in his boxers and winces. He lets himself be dragged, still overwhelmed by what has just happened to put up a real fight. He has just come in his pants, in their kitchen, because of one Im Jaebum. It all feels surreal.
“We can share if you want. Save water, you know.”
Jaebum is not looking at him as he says this. He’s staring stubbornly ahead as they make their way to the bathroom but his ears turn pink. It’s so cute Jinyoung can’t help but smile.
“Yeah,” he says. “I want to.”
It feels good saying it. It feels good being with Jaebum, consequences be damned. As he sees Jaebum smile back, his gummy, goofy, eye-less smile, Jinyoung knows that whatever happens after this moment he will never regret giving them a chance.
There’s still a way to go. Jinyoung is still scared and Jaebum may not have fully forgiven him yet, but this is a good start.
That night he curls up in his bed with Jaebum’s arms around him and falls asleep happier than he’s been in a long, long time.
Xxx
Things aren’t okay overnight. Whether Jaebum says it or not, now that Jinyoung has opened his eyes he can see the full extent of the damage he wrought and how much Jaebum has been hurting and that doesn’t go away with a few kisses.
When Jaebum finally wakes up the next morning the first thing Jinyoung says to him is,
“I fucked up so bad, Jaebum, I’m so, so sorry. I can’t promise it won’t happen again but I promise that next time when I’m scared I’ll tell you and we’ll work through it together.”
He’d drafted it while Jaebum slept on, face calm and unworried in sleep because he felt he needed to do something to make amends.
Jaebum, however, just shifts and smiles at him. “I would have taken a ‘I love you Jaebum, be my boyfriend’, but this will do too.”
And Jinyoung knows that while he isn’t forgiven yet, he’s on his way.
Of course, them talking about everything means they fight more. Sometimes Jaebum just doesn’t get it because he just doesn’t think the way Jinyoung does. Jinyoung is constantly thinking about consequences and Jaebum doesn’t understand why Jinyoung has to make everything more complicated than it really is.
“Jinyoung, nothing worth it is ever easy!” He shouts during one of their arguments. “You think you telling me I couldn’t love you was easy? You think waiting for you to get your head out of your arse was easy? No it wasn’t, but I didn’t care! I dealt with all that crap because I knew that one day it would work out and it would be worth it. You were worth it then and you’re worth it now and I’m not going anywhere so stop making this more difficult than it needs to be!”
The fallout from that particular argument had lasted three days.
Jinyoung sometimes wondered if the other members preferred it before he and Jaebum got together, before they fought this way. He raised it to Mark once only for him to burst into helpless giggles.
“You think this is more stressful for me?” He had laughed. “Trust me, by the end I was almost ready to bang your heads together if you didn’t get your shit sorted out.” Then he had grown serious. “In all honesty Jinyoung, you were about to implode. You kept telling yourself you were fine but anyone who knew you knew you were coming apart at the seams. You were miserable.” He gives Jinyoung a squeeze. “I never want to see you like that again.”
Looking back Jinyoung knows Mark is right, just as Jackson was right (though it pains him to admit it). He was miserable. He’s happier with Jaebum, even with the occasional fight, than he ever was without.
It’s difficult to get used to life as Jaebum’s boyfriend and yet at the same time it’s not. Lots of things remain unchanged - they still live together, they still work together, they are still friends. They still have separate bedrooms, even if Jaebum spends more nights in Jinyoung’s bed than he does in his own, and yet now everything is more than it ever was. When they are waiting to go onstage and Jinyoung is nervous, there’s Jaebum’s hand in his, sweaty and yet still reassuring. When they sit on the sofa there’s no longer distance between them but Jinyoung sits cuddled up on Jaebum’s lap like a smug cat.
Jinyoung loves it.
Jinyoung loves Jaebum.
He doesn’t hesitate to tell Jaebum that either. Every day, at least once. Most of the time Jaebum rolls his eyes and placates him with a kiss but Jinyoung knows he likes it because he never tells Jinyoung to stop, even when their delightful friends made a point of gagging exaggeratedly.
“You’re just jealous.” Jinyoung tells them as he gazes adoringly into Jaebum’s eyes.
“Yeah, that’s what it is.” Yugyeom mutters.
“I think I’m going to throw up for real.” Bambam groans.
Jinyoung ignores them. He has Jaebum, and he’s happy. Whatever the future may bring, at least he can say that.
xxx
Several years later
The lights of the club flash around him, dizzyingly bright. He’s hot, he can feel the sweat soaking through his shirt, but he doesn’t care. He grinds back into the more than willing body behind him and smirks. The guy isn’t the best dancer - a little uncoordinated for Jinyoung’s taste - but he suits his purpose.
All he has to do now is wait.
“I’ll ask you to keep your hands off my boyfriend.” He hears someone say beside him, low and full of unspoken threats. Hands off or else.
It's Jaebum, looming over the poor man behind him with a look that promises death. His eyes are blazing with jealousy. Jinyoung’s skin prickles with heat. This is what he had been waiting for and he’s probably going to go to hell for this, but fuck Jaebum looks so hot when he’s pissed off.
The guy behind him stumbles back, mumbling apologies and excuses - I didn’t know he was taken man! I would never of - If I’d known… - and Jaebum smirks, pleased. He doesn’t take the stranger’s place - no, Jaebum doesn’t need to fill that guy’s shoes because he already knows he’s better - he simply slides a thigh in between Jinyoung’s. His hands grip Jinyoung’s waist, fingers digging into Jinyoung’s skin. Jinyoung bites his lip to keep the groan that bubbles up from escaping.
"You did that on purpose." Jaebum accuses.
"Maybe." Jinyoung replies coyly.
"You like it when I get possessive, huh?"
"Maybe." He bats his eyelashes and watches with satisfaction as Jaebum’s pupils dilate.
“You’re playing a dangerous game, Park Jinyoung. Haven’t you ever heard that it’s better to let sleeping dragons lie?” Jaebum growls in his ear.
“I only let them lie if they’re lying with me.” Jinyoung replies, wickedly grinding his hips forward into Jaebum’s. A rush of satisfaction runs through him as he feels Jaebum’s grip on his hips tighten and the groan that Jaebum presses into the skin of his neck.
Suddenly he’s being dragged out of the club by his wrist. That moment so many years ago flashes through Jinyoung’s mind. It’s the same but different - no longer wrapped in anger and jealousy but warmth and playfulness.
“We’re leaving.” Jaebum says.
“Why? I was having fun.” Jinyoung pouts.
Jaebum leans in close to his ear. They’re outside now and the warm breath against Jinyoung’s skin makes him shiver more than the cold night air.
“Trust me, you’ll have fun at home too.”
Well. Jinyoung can’t argue with that. All at once he’s overcome by a wave for love for his jealous, possessive boyfriend who puts up with Jinyoung’s moods and whims and need to wind him up constantly. He leans up and presses a kiss to Jaebum’s lips.
“I love you, you know that.”
Jaebum smiles, slightly bemused by Jinyoung’s sudden display of affection. “I know.”
“Well, don’t you have something to say back?” Jinyoung huffs.
Jaebum rolls his eyes. “I love you too.”
“And you’re mine right?”
Jaebum’s eyes glint. “Just as much as you are mine.”
Jinyoung presses himself up against Jaebum like an oversized cat. He feels Jaebum’s arms close around him tight and sighs contentedly. It may have been a long time since he finally accepted Jaebum’s love (and his own for his boyfriend) but every embrace feels just like the first and he honestly doesn’t know how he denied himself this for so long.
“Mine.” Says Jaebum. Jinyoung’s precious, possessive, perfect Jaebum.
“Yours.” He agrees. Forever and always.
one | part two