"Interim (5/7)" - Hobbs/OFC, Hobbs/Raydor Fic
Title: Interim (5/7)
Co-Author: sharon_ray
Pairings: Hobbs/OFC, Hobbs/Raydor
Rating: R
Word Count: 5, 147
Disclaimer: Not our characters or television show.
A/N: Fic takes place during the events of Major Crimes, though we have taken some liberties with the timeline. Fic is complete and will be updated weekly.
Summary: Andrea Hobbs finds herself at a crossroads in her personal life. Caught between the frustrating standstill of her present reality and the exciting allure of a new life, she’s forced to navigate through her conflicting emotions while also handling the most important case of her career.
On ff.net, Ch. 1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch. 4,
*graphic and screencaps are my own please do not repost*
Andrea lay in bed and stared out the window, watching the sun rise slowly over the horizon line. Soft bursts of pink and orange splashed through the thick slats of the venetian blinds and danced across the pale green walls of their spare bedroom. She pulled the duvet up around her chest and yawned, then closed her eyes against the light that assaulted her eyes. The scenery outside should have been pretty but it wasn’t, not this morning, at least. Andrea hadn’t slept at all the night before. Instead, she’d stayed awake all night, thinking about Hilary’s harsh accusations.
Did she really have feelings for Sharon? Did she even know Sharon well enough to have real, deep, feelings for her? The answer, if she really thought about it, was no. But that didn’t stop Andrea from feeling something very strong every time the headstrong Captain was around. When Sharon entered a room, it felt to Andrea like all the oxygen around her suddenly disappeared, leaving Andrea breathless and lightheaded every time. She felt a magnetic pull towards Sharon every time she was near her, her heart and body wanted so badly to be in her orbit, despite the stubborn protests from her mind.
Andrea pulled herself out of bed and into a sitting position and brushed her hair back out of her face with her long, slender fingers. She was going to have to start this day whether she liked it or not. Her meeting at 8:00 am with Sharon was going to happen regardless of her feelings and she also had to be in court with Rusty and DDA Rios at 9:00 am again. With a resigned sigh, she pushed herself off the bed and walked into the bathroom so she could turn the shower on and get ready for the day. Hopefully by the time she was done with her shower, Hilary would be dressed and out of their bedroom so she could finish getting ready in peace.
She eyed her appearance in the guest bathroom mirror critically. The lines around her eyes were more and more noticeable these days, as were the lines around her mouth. But instead of laugh lines, that’s what Hilary had once lovingly called them, these were the lines of unmistakable stress, worry, and sadness. She wrapped the plush white towel tighter around her damp body and walked down the hall to the master bedroom. She could hear Hilary in the kitchen, so she knew it was safe to enter.
She smirked to herself as she walked through the bedroom to the hallway; when had things changed so drastically? When had there become a time that it was ‘safe’ to enter her own bedroom, and when on earth had it become a time when Hilary wasn’t in her bed? She could still remember vibrantly when all she craved was Hilary in her bed, and in her arms. Now she wasn’t sure she even wanted the woman under the same roof.
She pursed her lips as she flipped through the hangers, passing suit after suit, trying not to think too hard about what the next few days would bring for her and her partner. She made quick work of picking out a skirt and suit jacket; navy blue, with a soft grey silk blouse underneath. She applied a little more makeup that she normally wore, in an unsuccessful attempt to cover up the dark circles under her eyes, and she quickly dried her hair. Looking in the mirror again, she surmised that for a woman on the verge of a potential personal life crisis, she didn’t look all that bad.
Upon entering the kitchen, Andrea found Hilary pouring herself a glass of juice from their blender. No doubt she was on yet another one of her fad diets, a “liquids only” restriction, or a “no carbs” purge, or, something. She was already dressed for the day, in a very short, very form fitting scarlet wrap-dress; instead of feeling overwhelmed by Hilary’s beauty, like she once felt, she felt only mild interest.
“Morning,” Andrea said softly. She noticed Hilary’s back stiffen.
“Morning,” came the curt reply. Hilary turned around and regarded Andrea coldly. “Don’t you look nice,” she said somewhat bitterly. This outfit had always been a favourite of Hilary’s.
Andrea ground her teeth together. “I have a court date at 9:00 am today. The media are all over this case, I told you about it already,” she said. She didn’t even bother to try and keep the disappointment out of her tone. The Stroh trial was the biggest case of her career, and would probably define it should she win the case; she’d only told Hilary about it dozens of times over the past several months.
“I’m aware, Andrea,” Hilary snapped, “I’m also aware of who will be in court with you today. Be sure to give dear Sharon my regards, maybe you can take her to my museum for a date night this weekend, since she seems to love it there so much.”
Andrea leaned against the counter, steadying herself so she didn’t lose her temper. “I told you already that I have to deal with Sharon because she is Rusty’s foster mother and because she is the department head. I have never given you reason to doubt my fidelity and I am insulted that you’ve accused me of being unfaithful especially when you know what I think of infidelity. If you’re insecure for whatever reason, Hilary, that’s a deeper reflection on your recent behavior than mine.” Andrea turned and glared at her partner, clutching a coffee cup tightly in her hands.
Hilary glared right back at her. “I just find it an amazing coincidence that it’s been forever since we had a normal sex life, and the more and more you spend time with her the less and less you want me anywhere near you. Fine, I’ll take your word that you haven’t been physically intimate with her, but we both know that your mind has been all over that particular what if. You may not have been physically unfaithful, but you’re being emotionally unfaithful.”
“You know I could accuse you of the exact same thing,” Andrea said, there was a dangerous edge to her voice, “because you afford your clients and your coworkers more attention than you do me. You treat them to fancy dinners and send them flowers and cards and check in on them more than you do me. I’m not saying that I need any of that luxury, but a phone call, a quick note or email asking me how my day was wouldn’t kill you either. And fine, I also believe you when you say that you’ve remained physically faithful to me, but how many times has your mind wandered? How many times have you imagined yourself in a different scenario, a different life?”
Hilary regarded her angrily; she gripped her glass a bit harder as she remained silent.
“We’re human Hil, our minds are going to wander. That’s not the issue, the issue is why are we both more content to imagine ourselves anywhere but here, and what the hell happened-”
Andrea was cut off by the loud ringing of Hilary’s phone.
“Don’t answer it,” Andrea said flatly. “Unless it’s an honest emergency do not answer that phone. This conversation between us is long overdue as it is.”
Hilary looked between Andrea and the illuminated screen as it rang two more times. She let out a quiet sigh, “I’m sorry, it’s my boss,” she mouthed, then slid her finger across her iPhone and held it up to her ear, turning her back on Andrea as she did so.
Andrea watched her for a moment before she set her coffee cup down on the bar. Shaking her head furiously, she snatched her briefcase off of their dining room table and grabbed her keys and sunglasses. She couldn’t stay and wait for Hilary any longer and she was afraid of what not being able to wait for Hilary any more really meant. As she walked out of their front door, she realized that she could no longer ignore that things had taken a turn for the very worst between them. Andrea had worked plenty of late nights, but she always tried to at least call and let Hilary know when she wouldn’t be home and why she wouldn’t be there. When there were social engagements for work, she wanted Hilary there with her, and when she had to go out of town for cases, she missed Hilary terribly. Yet lately it seemed like the museum was more Hilary’s lover than Andrea was, like the need for partnership and companionship was completely one-sided; Andrea resolved that she was finally done coming in last place on Hilary’s long list of priorities.
Andrea sighed heavily as she slid into the front seat of her car. She would try again tonight; perhaps with the day’s work behind them both, they’d have better luck talking through their glaringly obvious issues.
***
Sharon greeted Andrea with a wide smile when the DDA walked into her office.
“Good morning! I stopped off for coffee on the way in and grabbed you something. I figured we could both use a little encouragement today,” she said kindly as she held out a coffee cup for Andrea.
“Thank you,” Andrea said; she told herself that the warmth she felt spreading throughout her limbs was the result of touching the hot coffee cup and not the result of her fingers brushing against Sharon’s knuckles as the older woman handed her the cup.
Sharon nodded as Andrea took the coffee and invited the younger woman to sit down across from her at her desk. “Rusty is in the break room having breakfast with Lts. Provenza and Flynn and Buzz. Andy brought breakfast burritos in for everyone, they’re all really rallying around him,” Sharon mused as she watched Andrea, who was staring down into her own lap absentmindedly.
“Oh, that’s fantastic. I’m so thrilled for him that he has everyone’s support,” Andrea remarked, doing her best to smile back at Sharon. Though there was a weak smile on her lips, it did not reach her eyes.
Sharon frowned slightly as she took in Andrea’s features. She had more makeup on than usual, but she looked downright exhausted. It was only the second day of the trial, and she had several more weeks left to go. What could’ve happened to wipe her out like this? Sharon wondered. Her eyes were still the same dull hue they’d towards the end of their dinner last night, only now they were lined with dark circles and deeper worry lines. Was there something going on with her health? Or her home life?
“Andrea, forgive me for prying, and by all means do not answer if you’re uncomfortable, but are you alright?” Sharon asked gently, turning the coffee cup in her hands as she spoke.
“I’m fine,” Andrea snapped. She looked up and saw the mild hurt in Sharon’s eyes and instantly regretted her tone. “Sorry,” she said softly, “I’m just, a bit overworked these days I think. The DA’s office has undergone a lot of changes recently and in addition to my regular responsibilities by boss keeps sticking me with people like Rios to mentor; people who I just don’t have the time or patience for right now.” She hoped that Sharon bought her fib. Yes, work had been more demanding these days than usual, but it certainly wasn’t anything that she couldn’t handle.
Sharon regarded Andrea carefully for a moment before humming softly. “You know, I sometimes forget that it’s not just adolescents that lie in order to hide what they’re really going through. And I sometimes forget that despite my good intentions, I do put my nose where it doesn’t belong and where it is not welcome. You are the most capable attorney I’ve ever known Andrea, I have no doubt that you’re handling every challenge that the DA is throwing at you perfectly. I’m sorry for prying into your personal life though, and I understand your need for privacy. But please don’t think that I asked to be nosey, I asked because I genuinely care about you, and I want you to know that should you ever need someone to talk to, I’m just a phone call away,” Sharon said.
Andrea took a healthy sip of the scorching hot coffee to stifle herself from blurting out something she was sure she would regret. “I appreciate your concern Sharon,” she said quietly, measuredly, “I just... you know how it goes. Busy schedules, and all of that. We’ll be fine.” Andrea nodded at Sharon to reassure her and rested her coffee cup against her mouth as she leaned back in her chair. The tension radiated off of her as she avoided looking back at Sharon across the desk.
“As long as you’re alright, Andrea,” Sharon said seriously. “And to be honest, I’ve just been through hell and back in my own personal life, my husband came back into town and crashed for a week. So I am very much in need of a girl’s night myself,” she said with a soft giggle, “Jackson, he’s a recovering alcoholic so I had to get rid of all my wine while he was staying over. But, I’ve re-stocked my fridge now so just give me a ring if ever you want to split a good chardonnay with me,” she explained a bit hastily, a bit embarrassedly.
Andrea felt her hands become numb, and her stomach drop. She stared a bit helplessly at Sharon for a moment before schooling her features into calm interest. “You’re married?” she asked softly, the words left her mouth before she could stop them.
Sharon blushed. “Well, yes, but on paper only. It’s....a bit of a mess,” she rolled her eyes in that self-deprecating way that Andrea had always found so endearing, “Jackson overcame his alcohol addiction by substituting it for gambling. Obviously that caused a mess for me financially, and seeing as he left the responsibility of raising and sending our children to school to me, I’m still...untangling myself from his mess. We’ve been separated and living apart for twenty years but every once and a while he pops back into my life. It’s complicated,” Sharon repeated nervously, talking about her messy personal life never got easier over the years, “I want so badly to remain civil with him so that my kids can hopefully repair their relationship with them. But...complicated,” she chuckled darkly and rolled her eyes again. Hastily, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ears.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear. I mean...it’s none of my business. I’m sorry to have asked, Andrea said curtly.
Sharon opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. She had opened up to Andrea to make her feel more comfortable; she had not expected such curt response from the DDA. “I wouldn’t have told you if I was offended by your question, Andrea,” she remarked finally, eyeing the blonde curiously. “Andrea, I.... I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I know you’re not interested in hearing my woes about my ex husband. I should have kept it to myself. I just.... you’ve been different lately. If you need a friend, I want you to know I’m here for you okay? Like it or not, you’re a part of this team,” she said as she gestured to the officers working outside of her office, “and when you’re a part of this team, I will always have your back.”
Their conversation wasn’t going how Sharon had hoped it would; she’d wanted Andrea to come over for dinner and wine and a girl’s night, she’d wanted Andrea to feel comfortable and safe around Sharon her and her team. She’d enjoyed seeing Andrea and Hilary at the gallery and her evening with Andrea and Rusty in Hollywood left her aching to spend more time with the younger woman. In what capacity, she wasn’t entirely sure, but given that Andrea was already in a romantic relationship Sharon was happy to have Andrea as a friend. Obviously, Andrea was not interested. Sharon looked on, somewhat sadly, as Andrea fiddled with her coffee cup.
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” Andrea mumbled, “It’s just not easy for me to talk about.... certain things. I appreciate your friendship Sharon. And it means the world to me that you see me as one of your own,” she said sincerely.
Sharon smiled at the younger woman, feeling a bit more hopeful. “We should get over to court,” she sighed as she checked her wristwatch. “We’ll go over the notes on our way? I’ll drive?” she offered.
Andrea gathered her briefcase and stood from her chair. “Sure thing,” she said.
Sharon moved from behind her desk and grabbed her purse, sliding the leather straps over her shoulder carefully so she didn’t wrinkle her silk blouse. She grabbed her blazer off the back of her chair then moved towards Andrea.
“Andrea, I meant what I said, really. I consider you a trusted friend,” she said quietly, moving to wrap her arms around the other woman as she stood. Andrea let out a soft squeak as she felt Sharon’s arms come into contact with her waist, but she melted into the embrace quickly, allowing Sharon to wrap her arms fully around her. She rested her chin on Sharon’s shoulder for a brief moment as Sharon pressed her body into Andrea’s, holding her firmly.
“Don’t look so sad, okay? Or I’ll take you to the Pig n’ Whistle again,” Sharon teased as she let her go, somewhat hesitantly.
Andrea laughed softly and placed a gentle hand on Sharon’s shoulder. “I will do my best.” She patted Sharon softly then turned on her heels to walk out of the office, tension twisting in her abdomen.
***
Andrea rested her head against the back of her seat as she crawled through the brutal 5:00 pm traffic back to her apartment. She’d left immediately after court let out, knowing that if she stuck around there would be an inevitable invitation for drinks or food from Rusty and Sharon or one of the other lawyers; while she appreciated the invitations, she knew that she ought to get home and try to come to some sort of resolution with Hilary. As she sat through the red light for a third time, her thoughts drifted to that morning in Sharon’s office. She knew she looked tired, but did she really look so bad it was obvious she was going through hell, or was Sharon just that perceptive?
Andrea shook her head and groaned. Not only was Sharon insanely perceptive but she was married. Married, and raising a teenager; what the hell was Andrea thinking? Much as she hated to admit it, Hilary had been right; she’d been thinking about Sharon more than was appropriate to be thinking about a coworker or even a newfound friend. Regardless of whatever happened with Hilary tonight, Sharon Raydor needed to be the farthest thing from her mind from now on.
Their lives were obviously very different. Andrea came home on Friday nights and sipped wine and took bubble baths. She spent Saturdays having long brunches and reading novels and taking hikes. Sharon had a husband and was on her second round of raising children. They would never see eye to eye, regardless of Andrea’s fantasies about her. No, Andrea had to put this thing to rest, even if she put her relationship with Hilary to rest right along with it. Sharon was obviously very comfortable leading a life very different from the one Andrea led. Andrea laughed at herself as she turned the corner, traffic finally inching closer to her street. How could she have been so damn foolish?
She was stuck in her relationship, but she was never going to move forward with the half-formed fantasy in her mind; the least she could do was remove herself from a situation where both she and Hilary were hurting, even if it were just a while, until they could work through their issues.
The first thing Andrea registered when she walked into her home was laughter. The second, was the smell of strong whisky and brie cheese.
Andrea kept her blazer and high heels on, but set her briefcase down on the kitchen table. She walked through the kitchen to the living room to see Hilary sitting on the couch with a young man, clad in a suit jacket and jeans. Hilary herself was dressed to the nines, still wearing the same stiletto heels she’d put on that morning.
“Good evening,” Andrea announced, raising an eyebrow as she eyed her partner.
“Oh, hey babe,” Hilary smiled, the warning obvious on her face as she watched Andrea carefully. Andrea got the impression that Hilary did not want her to cause a scene, which made her want to that much more. Hilary hadn’t told her anything about entertaining someone in their home tonight.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were entertaining this evening or I would have been home earlier, honey.” Andrea smirked as she drawled out the word honey and crossed her arms over her chest. Had Hilary really just called her babe like they were fine and dandy? She knew how much Andrea loathed it when anyone called her ‘babe’ or ‘baby.’
“Well, I figured you couldn’t get out of court. It was a last minute thing. So sorry,” Hilary countered as a grin crossed her lips. “I wasn’t aware attorneys could leave court early.”
Hilary’s joke fell on deaf ears as Andrea walked past her to extend her hand to the young man on the couch. “Hello, I’m Andrea Hobbs, Hilary’s partner. I’m so sorry to intrude on your evening, but I live here.” She shot a dangerous look back at Hilary, knowing she would pay for that remark in their argument later. At this point, an argument was inevitable.
“Christopher James, it’s a pleasure,” he said politely, giving Andrea’s hand a firm shake. “More like I’m so sorry to intrude on your evening, Andrea. Hilary didn’t mention anyone else would be joining her at home tonight...” Christopher’s voice trailed off in a way that made Andrea angry. Of course Hilary hadn’t mentioned anyone else lived here. That would have required Hilary thinking about someone other than herself.
“It isn’t a problem. You may enjoy your whisky and brie on my couch, in my living room, but I’ve just gotten out of a very long day in court. I hope you don’t think me rude, Christopher, but I am going to excuse myself for some real dinner, a tamer drink, and my bedroom.” She nodded her head and pursed her lips into a tight-lipped half smile, then turned to Hilary.
When she was sure she was turned so that Christopher could not see her face, her expression changed entirely. She narrowed her eyes at Hilary and pursed her lips again, this time with no hint of a smile on her face. “I trust you won’t mind if I retire, considering you forgot to invite me in the first place.”
Hilary did her best to laugh Andrea’s comment off and leaned into kiss her, trying desperately to keep up appearances.
Andrea placed a single finger on Hilary’s sternum and inched her back before her mouth came anywhere near Andrea’s. “I think not. Goodnight, Hilary,” she said.
Andrea turned on her heel and marched out of the living room before she could think about what she’d done in front of Hilary’s client. She’d been angry enough to do something like that before; but never wanted to suffer the long-term consequences of humiliating Hilary in such a way. Finally, tonight, after being forgotten and humiliated so many times herself, she’d had enough.
Andrea was wiggling into her pajamas when Hilary came storming into their room.
“What the fuck was that?” she shouted. “He just left! I cannot believe you acted like that, he just walked right out which means that I won’t get his contract either!”
“Good to know that you and I are in the middle of a very serious crisis in our personal relationship but the only thing you give a fuck about is some up and coming little shit. So much that you went out of your way to disrespect me and you invited him back here without asking me if I was okay having a complete stranger in my home. But you’re right Hil, I’m the selfish one. I’m the one who came home right after work because I thought that it was the right thing to do after our fight last night and this morning, I’m the one who keeps trying to talk to you despite your every intention to ignore me when I have something uncomfortable to say. Well guess what,” Andrea ripped the covers back on the bed with enough force to make Hilary wince, “I want you out of here. Tonight.”
Hilary balled her fists and blinked back the tears that were falling. “You can’t kick me out of our home,” she said.
Andrea climbed into the bed, making sure to place herself right in the middle of the mattress. “I am not kicking you out of our home. I am telling you that you need to leave my home, the one that I owned before I ever even met you because I am exhausted and I need time to think and most of all I need time away from you.”
“I....you’re overreacting,” Hilary said.
Andrea took an even, measured breath. “No, I’m not. I am not lying or exaggerating when I say that I am exhausted. I am tired of dancing around the issue with you, I am tired of dealing with your moods, I am tired of being second to everyone else in your life, and most of all I am tired of trying to fix things when it’s very clear that you don’t care enough to meet me halfway. When was the last time that you asked me how my day was? When was the last time you offered me a shoulder to cry on after I had a nasty case?”
Hilary stood at the edge of the bed, her jaw clenched tightly as she tried in vain to control her emotions. “Please, Andrea.... we’re good together. I’ve been busy with work and I take responsibility for that,” she said.
Andrea sighed. “I’ve been busy too, but I’m never too busy for you.” Andrea tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Yesterday was my birthday. At first I thought you’d wait until lunch to call me and say something nice to me. When you didn’t call, I thought that maybe you’d surprise me by picking me up at work and take me to dinner. But not only did you never call, but you never answered my calls when I tried to get in contact with you. While I was leaving you a message on your voicemail, I realized, you hadn’t called because you simply hadn’t cared to remember.”
Hilary closed her eyes in horror. “I forgot, I’m so sorry, I’ll make it up-“
“You accused me of going out to dinner with Rusty and Sharon because I wanted to play happy families with them. Really, I went out with them because I didn’t want to spend another birthday alone while you stayed out all night with clients and coworkers. I wish I could say that last night was a one time thing; you forgetting about me, us fighting when you got home, but I can’t remember the last time that we spent more than a few hours together without fighting, or without me feeling ignored. Do you love me?” Andrea asked softly “Or do you just love the idea of me?”
Hilary stared at her in disbelief. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, of course I-”
“It’s a simple question Hilary.”
Hilary combed her fingers through her hair and half-sobbed, half-cried. “Are you serious right now?”
Andrea hugged her knees to her chest and furiously rubbed the tears staining her cheeks. “If you loved me, I wouldn’t even have to ask. I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about things between us. And if I really loved you, you wouldn’t have to ask me either. We’d be in this bed together and we’d never want to leave,” she said quietly. “I think we both know that’s not the case for us anymore, and I think we both know that it’s unfair to keep hurting each other because we feel trapped.”
Hilary watched her in silence. She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t move. She opened her mouth to say something then closed it again. She knew she’d tested Andrea quite a bit lately, but she wasn’t sure when things had gotten this bad.
“Hilary, I need you to leave,” Andrea repeated.
Andrea’s words finally broke her from her stupor and Hilary sat on the edge of the bed, shaking with quiet sobs. “Where am I supposed to go?” she asked desperately, wrapping her arms around her torso. “Yes, you owned this place first. but it’s my home now, too. What am I supposed to do?”
Andrea stared out the window; looking at Hilary was too hard. She watched the moonlight as it reflected off the windowsill, grasping at anything that would keep her distracted enough not to totally lose it. “To a hotel. You can even put it on my card if you want. Take some cash out of our joint account at an ATM if you prefer. You can stay there for a few days while we figure this out but I need you to go. Now.”
Hilary did her best to stop herself from crying as she stood up again. She knew that Andrea had made a decision and there was no changing her mind, no matter how emotional she became. She looked at Andrea one last time, but her partner kept her eyes glued to the window, refusing to look back. Slowly, Hilary moved to the side of the bed and leaned over. She kissed Andrea gently on the forehead and walked out of the bedroom, knowing she’d lost that fight. Hilary grabbed one of her travel bags and stuffed some clothing and toiletries into it; the entire process was mercifully quick seeing as Hilary always had items pre-packed for her business trips. Wordlessly, she left.
Instead of feeling an absence when Hilary left, Andrea felt as though a weight had been lifted off of her. She readjusted herself in the bed and pulled the duvet all the way over her head. For the first time in a long time, she drifted off into a dreamless slumber.
Co-Author: sharon_ray
Pairings: Hobbs/OFC, Hobbs/Raydor
Rating: R
Word Count: 5, 147
Disclaimer: Not our characters or television show.
A/N: Fic takes place during the events of Major Crimes, though we have taken some liberties with the timeline. Fic is complete and will be updated weekly.
Summary: Andrea Hobbs finds herself at a crossroads in her personal life. Caught between the frustrating standstill of her present reality and the exciting allure of a new life, she’s forced to navigate through her conflicting emotions while also handling the most important case of her career.
On ff.net, Ch. 1, Ch.2, Ch.3, Ch. 4,
*graphic and screencaps are my own please do not repost*
Andrea lay in bed and stared out the window, watching the sun rise slowly over the horizon line. Soft bursts of pink and orange splashed through the thick slats of the venetian blinds and danced across the pale green walls of their spare bedroom. She pulled the duvet up around her chest and yawned, then closed her eyes against the light that assaulted her eyes. The scenery outside should have been pretty but it wasn’t, not this morning, at least. Andrea hadn’t slept at all the night before. Instead, she’d stayed awake all night, thinking about Hilary’s harsh accusations.
Did she really have feelings for Sharon? Did she even know Sharon well enough to have real, deep, feelings for her? The answer, if she really thought about it, was no. But that didn’t stop Andrea from feeling something very strong every time the headstrong Captain was around. When Sharon entered a room, it felt to Andrea like all the oxygen around her suddenly disappeared, leaving Andrea breathless and lightheaded every time. She felt a magnetic pull towards Sharon every time she was near her, her heart and body wanted so badly to be in her orbit, despite the stubborn protests from her mind.
Andrea pulled herself out of bed and into a sitting position and brushed her hair back out of her face with her long, slender fingers. She was going to have to start this day whether she liked it or not. Her meeting at 8:00 am with Sharon was going to happen regardless of her feelings and she also had to be in court with Rusty and DDA Rios at 9:00 am again. With a resigned sigh, she pushed herself off the bed and walked into the bathroom so she could turn the shower on and get ready for the day. Hopefully by the time she was done with her shower, Hilary would be dressed and out of their bedroom so she could finish getting ready in peace.
She eyed her appearance in the guest bathroom mirror critically. The lines around her eyes were more and more noticeable these days, as were the lines around her mouth. But instead of laugh lines, that’s what Hilary had once lovingly called them, these were the lines of unmistakable stress, worry, and sadness. She wrapped the plush white towel tighter around her damp body and walked down the hall to the master bedroom. She could hear Hilary in the kitchen, so she knew it was safe to enter.
She smirked to herself as she walked through the bedroom to the hallway; when had things changed so drastically? When had there become a time that it was ‘safe’ to enter her own bedroom, and when on earth had it become a time when Hilary wasn’t in her bed? She could still remember vibrantly when all she craved was Hilary in her bed, and in her arms. Now she wasn’t sure she even wanted the woman under the same roof.
She pursed her lips as she flipped through the hangers, passing suit after suit, trying not to think too hard about what the next few days would bring for her and her partner. She made quick work of picking out a skirt and suit jacket; navy blue, with a soft grey silk blouse underneath. She applied a little more makeup that she normally wore, in an unsuccessful attempt to cover up the dark circles under her eyes, and she quickly dried her hair. Looking in the mirror again, she surmised that for a woman on the verge of a potential personal life crisis, she didn’t look all that bad.
Upon entering the kitchen, Andrea found Hilary pouring herself a glass of juice from their blender. No doubt she was on yet another one of her fad diets, a “liquids only” restriction, or a “no carbs” purge, or, something. She was already dressed for the day, in a very short, very form fitting scarlet wrap-dress; instead of feeling overwhelmed by Hilary’s beauty, like she once felt, she felt only mild interest.
“Morning,” Andrea said softly. She noticed Hilary’s back stiffen.
“Morning,” came the curt reply. Hilary turned around and regarded Andrea coldly. “Don’t you look nice,” she said somewhat bitterly. This outfit had always been a favourite of Hilary’s.
Andrea ground her teeth together. “I have a court date at 9:00 am today. The media are all over this case, I told you about it already,” she said. She didn’t even bother to try and keep the disappointment out of her tone. The Stroh trial was the biggest case of her career, and would probably define it should she win the case; she’d only told Hilary about it dozens of times over the past several months.
“I’m aware, Andrea,” Hilary snapped, “I’m also aware of who will be in court with you today. Be sure to give dear Sharon my regards, maybe you can take her to my museum for a date night this weekend, since she seems to love it there so much.”
Andrea leaned against the counter, steadying herself so she didn’t lose her temper. “I told you already that I have to deal with Sharon because she is Rusty’s foster mother and because she is the department head. I have never given you reason to doubt my fidelity and I am insulted that you’ve accused me of being unfaithful especially when you know what I think of infidelity. If you’re insecure for whatever reason, Hilary, that’s a deeper reflection on your recent behavior than mine.” Andrea turned and glared at her partner, clutching a coffee cup tightly in her hands.
Hilary glared right back at her. “I just find it an amazing coincidence that it’s been forever since we had a normal sex life, and the more and more you spend time with her the less and less you want me anywhere near you. Fine, I’ll take your word that you haven’t been physically intimate with her, but we both know that your mind has been all over that particular what if. You may not have been physically unfaithful, but you’re being emotionally unfaithful.”
“You know I could accuse you of the exact same thing,” Andrea said, there was a dangerous edge to her voice, “because you afford your clients and your coworkers more attention than you do me. You treat them to fancy dinners and send them flowers and cards and check in on them more than you do me. I’m not saying that I need any of that luxury, but a phone call, a quick note or email asking me how my day was wouldn’t kill you either. And fine, I also believe you when you say that you’ve remained physically faithful to me, but how many times has your mind wandered? How many times have you imagined yourself in a different scenario, a different life?”
Hilary regarded her angrily; she gripped her glass a bit harder as she remained silent.
“We’re human Hil, our minds are going to wander. That’s not the issue, the issue is why are we both more content to imagine ourselves anywhere but here, and what the hell happened-”
Andrea was cut off by the loud ringing of Hilary’s phone.
“Don’t answer it,” Andrea said flatly. “Unless it’s an honest emergency do not answer that phone. This conversation between us is long overdue as it is.”
Hilary looked between Andrea and the illuminated screen as it rang two more times. She let out a quiet sigh, “I’m sorry, it’s my boss,” she mouthed, then slid her finger across her iPhone and held it up to her ear, turning her back on Andrea as she did so.
Andrea watched her for a moment before she set her coffee cup down on the bar. Shaking her head furiously, she snatched her briefcase off of their dining room table and grabbed her keys and sunglasses. She couldn’t stay and wait for Hilary any longer and she was afraid of what not being able to wait for Hilary any more really meant. As she walked out of their front door, she realized that she could no longer ignore that things had taken a turn for the very worst between them. Andrea had worked plenty of late nights, but she always tried to at least call and let Hilary know when she wouldn’t be home and why she wouldn’t be there. When there were social engagements for work, she wanted Hilary there with her, and when she had to go out of town for cases, she missed Hilary terribly. Yet lately it seemed like the museum was more Hilary’s lover than Andrea was, like the need for partnership and companionship was completely one-sided; Andrea resolved that she was finally done coming in last place on Hilary’s long list of priorities.
Andrea sighed heavily as she slid into the front seat of her car. She would try again tonight; perhaps with the day’s work behind them both, they’d have better luck talking through their glaringly obvious issues.
***
Sharon greeted Andrea with a wide smile when the DDA walked into her office.
“Good morning! I stopped off for coffee on the way in and grabbed you something. I figured we could both use a little encouragement today,” she said kindly as she held out a coffee cup for Andrea.
“Thank you,” Andrea said; she told herself that the warmth she felt spreading throughout her limbs was the result of touching the hot coffee cup and not the result of her fingers brushing against Sharon’s knuckles as the older woman handed her the cup.
Sharon nodded as Andrea took the coffee and invited the younger woman to sit down across from her at her desk. “Rusty is in the break room having breakfast with Lts. Provenza and Flynn and Buzz. Andy brought breakfast burritos in for everyone, they’re all really rallying around him,” Sharon mused as she watched Andrea, who was staring down into her own lap absentmindedly.
“Oh, that’s fantastic. I’m so thrilled for him that he has everyone’s support,” Andrea remarked, doing her best to smile back at Sharon. Though there was a weak smile on her lips, it did not reach her eyes.
Sharon frowned slightly as she took in Andrea’s features. She had more makeup on than usual, but she looked downright exhausted. It was only the second day of the trial, and she had several more weeks left to go. What could’ve happened to wipe her out like this? Sharon wondered. Her eyes were still the same dull hue they’d towards the end of their dinner last night, only now they were lined with dark circles and deeper worry lines. Was there something going on with her health? Or her home life?
“Andrea, forgive me for prying, and by all means do not answer if you’re uncomfortable, but are you alright?” Sharon asked gently, turning the coffee cup in her hands as she spoke.
“I’m fine,” Andrea snapped. She looked up and saw the mild hurt in Sharon’s eyes and instantly regretted her tone. “Sorry,” she said softly, “I’m just, a bit overworked these days I think. The DA’s office has undergone a lot of changes recently and in addition to my regular responsibilities by boss keeps sticking me with people like Rios to mentor; people who I just don’t have the time or patience for right now.” She hoped that Sharon bought her fib. Yes, work had been more demanding these days than usual, but it certainly wasn’t anything that she couldn’t handle.
Sharon regarded Andrea carefully for a moment before humming softly. “You know, I sometimes forget that it’s not just adolescents that lie in order to hide what they’re really going through. And I sometimes forget that despite my good intentions, I do put my nose where it doesn’t belong and where it is not welcome. You are the most capable attorney I’ve ever known Andrea, I have no doubt that you’re handling every challenge that the DA is throwing at you perfectly. I’m sorry for prying into your personal life though, and I understand your need for privacy. But please don’t think that I asked to be nosey, I asked because I genuinely care about you, and I want you to know that should you ever need someone to talk to, I’m just a phone call away,” Sharon said.
Andrea took a healthy sip of the scorching hot coffee to stifle herself from blurting out something she was sure she would regret. “I appreciate your concern Sharon,” she said quietly, measuredly, “I just... you know how it goes. Busy schedules, and all of that. We’ll be fine.” Andrea nodded at Sharon to reassure her and rested her coffee cup against her mouth as she leaned back in her chair. The tension radiated off of her as she avoided looking back at Sharon across the desk.
“As long as you’re alright, Andrea,” Sharon said seriously. “And to be honest, I’ve just been through hell and back in my own personal life, my husband came back into town and crashed for a week. So I am very much in need of a girl’s night myself,” she said with a soft giggle, “Jackson, he’s a recovering alcoholic so I had to get rid of all my wine while he was staying over. But, I’ve re-stocked my fridge now so just give me a ring if ever you want to split a good chardonnay with me,” she explained a bit hastily, a bit embarrassedly.
Andrea felt her hands become numb, and her stomach drop. She stared a bit helplessly at Sharon for a moment before schooling her features into calm interest. “You’re married?” she asked softly, the words left her mouth before she could stop them.
Sharon blushed. “Well, yes, but on paper only. It’s....a bit of a mess,” she rolled her eyes in that self-deprecating way that Andrea had always found so endearing, “Jackson overcame his alcohol addiction by substituting it for gambling. Obviously that caused a mess for me financially, and seeing as he left the responsibility of raising and sending our children to school to me, I’m still...untangling myself from his mess. We’ve been separated and living apart for twenty years but every once and a while he pops back into my life. It’s complicated,” Sharon repeated nervously, talking about her messy personal life never got easier over the years, “I want so badly to remain civil with him so that my kids can hopefully repair their relationship with them. But...complicated,” she chuckled darkly and rolled her eyes again. Hastily, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ears.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear. I mean...it’s none of my business. I’m sorry to have asked, Andrea said curtly.
Sharon opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. She had opened up to Andrea to make her feel more comfortable; she had not expected such curt response from the DDA. “I wouldn’t have told you if I was offended by your question, Andrea,” she remarked finally, eyeing the blonde curiously. “Andrea, I.... I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I just wanted to make sure you were alright. I know you’re not interested in hearing my woes about my ex husband. I should have kept it to myself. I just.... you’ve been different lately. If you need a friend, I want you to know I’m here for you okay? Like it or not, you’re a part of this team,” she said as she gestured to the officers working outside of her office, “and when you’re a part of this team, I will always have your back.”
Their conversation wasn’t going how Sharon had hoped it would; she’d wanted Andrea to come over for dinner and wine and a girl’s night, she’d wanted Andrea to feel comfortable and safe around Sharon her and her team. She’d enjoyed seeing Andrea and Hilary at the gallery and her evening with Andrea and Rusty in Hollywood left her aching to spend more time with the younger woman. In what capacity, she wasn’t entirely sure, but given that Andrea was already in a romantic relationship Sharon was happy to have Andrea as a friend. Obviously, Andrea was not interested. Sharon looked on, somewhat sadly, as Andrea fiddled with her coffee cup.
“You didn’t make me uncomfortable,” Andrea mumbled, “It’s just not easy for me to talk about.... certain things. I appreciate your friendship Sharon. And it means the world to me that you see me as one of your own,” she said sincerely.
Sharon smiled at the younger woman, feeling a bit more hopeful. “We should get over to court,” she sighed as she checked her wristwatch. “We’ll go over the notes on our way? I’ll drive?” she offered.
Andrea gathered her briefcase and stood from her chair. “Sure thing,” she said.
Sharon moved from behind her desk and grabbed her purse, sliding the leather straps over her shoulder carefully so she didn’t wrinkle her silk blouse. She grabbed her blazer off the back of her chair then moved towards Andrea.
“Andrea, I meant what I said, really. I consider you a trusted friend,” she said quietly, moving to wrap her arms around the other woman as she stood. Andrea let out a soft squeak as she felt Sharon’s arms come into contact with her waist, but she melted into the embrace quickly, allowing Sharon to wrap her arms fully around her. She rested her chin on Sharon’s shoulder for a brief moment as Sharon pressed her body into Andrea’s, holding her firmly.
“Don’t look so sad, okay? Or I’ll take you to the Pig n’ Whistle again,” Sharon teased as she let her go, somewhat hesitantly.
Andrea laughed softly and placed a gentle hand on Sharon’s shoulder. “I will do my best.” She patted Sharon softly then turned on her heels to walk out of the office, tension twisting in her abdomen.
***
Andrea rested her head against the back of her seat as she crawled through the brutal 5:00 pm traffic back to her apartment. She’d left immediately after court let out, knowing that if she stuck around there would be an inevitable invitation for drinks or food from Rusty and Sharon or one of the other lawyers; while she appreciated the invitations, she knew that she ought to get home and try to come to some sort of resolution with Hilary. As she sat through the red light for a third time, her thoughts drifted to that morning in Sharon’s office. She knew she looked tired, but did she really look so bad it was obvious she was going through hell, or was Sharon just that perceptive?
Andrea shook her head and groaned. Not only was Sharon insanely perceptive but she was married. Married, and raising a teenager; what the hell was Andrea thinking? Much as she hated to admit it, Hilary had been right; she’d been thinking about Sharon more than was appropriate to be thinking about a coworker or even a newfound friend. Regardless of whatever happened with Hilary tonight, Sharon Raydor needed to be the farthest thing from her mind from now on.
Their lives were obviously very different. Andrea came home on Friday nights and sipped wine and took bubble baths. She spent Saturdays having long brunches and reading novels and taking hikes. Sharon had a husband and was on her second round of raising children. They would never see eye to eye, regardless of Andrea’s fantasies about her. No, Andrea had to put this thing to rest, even if she put her relationship with Hilary to rest right along with it. Sharon was obviously very comfortable leading a life very different from the one Andrea led. Andrea laughed at herself as she turned the corner, traffic finally inching closer to her street. How could she have been so damn foolish?
She was stuck in her relationship, but she was never going to move forward with the half-formed fantasy in her mind; the least she could do was remove herself from a situation where both she and Hilary were hurting, even if it were just a while, until they could work through their issues.
The first thing Andrea registered when she walked into her home was laughter. The second, was the smell of strong whisky and brie cheese.
Andrea kept her blazer and high heels on, but set her briefcase down on the kitchen table. She walked through the kitchen to the living room to see Hilary sitting on the couch with a young man, clad in a suit jacket and jeans. Hilary herself was dressed to the nines, still wearing the same stiletto heels she’d put on that morning.
“Good evening,” Andrea announced, raising an eyebrow as she eyed her partner.
“Oh, hey babe,” Hilary smiled, the warning obvious on her face as she watched Andrea carefully. Andrea got the impression that Hilary did not want her to cause a scene, which made her want to that much more. Hilary hadn’t told her anything about entertaining someone in their home tonight.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we were entertaining this evening or I would have been home earlier, honey.” Andrea smirked as she drawled out the word honey and crossed her arms over her chest. Had Hilary really just called her babe like they were fine and dandy? She knew how much Andrea loathed it when anyone called her ‘babe’ or ‘baby.’
“Well, I figured you couldn’t get out of court. It was a last minute thing. So sorry,” Hilary countered as a grin crossed her lips. “I wasn’t aware attorneys could leave court early.”
Hilary’s joke fell on deaf ears as Andrea walked past her to extend her hand to the young man on the couch. “Hello, I’m Andrea Hobbs, Hilary’s partner. I’m so sorry to intrude on your evening, but I live here.” She shot a dangerous look back at Hilary, knowing she would pay for that remark in their argument later. At this point, an argument was inevitable.
“Christopher James, it’s a pleasure,” he said politely, giving Andrea’s hand a firm shake. “More like I’m so sorry to intrude on your evening, Andrea. Hilary didn’t mention anyone else would be joining her at home tonight...” Christopher’s voice trailed off in a way that made Andrea angry. Of course Hilary hadn’t mentioned anyone else lived here. That would have required Hilary thinking about someone other than herself.
“It isn’t a problem. You may enjoy your whisky and brie on my couch, in my living room, but I’ve just gotten out of a very long day in court. I hope you don’t think me rude, Christopher, but I am going to excuse myself for some real dinner, a tamer drink, and my bedroom.” She nodded her head and pursed her lips into a tight-lipped half smile, then turned to Hilary.
When she was sure she was turned so that Christopher could not see her face, her expression changed entirely. She narrowed her eyes at Hilary and pursed her lips again, this time with no hint of a smile on her face. “I trust you won’t mind if I retire, considering you forgot to invite me in the first place.”
Hilary did her best to laugh Andrea’s comment off and leaned into kiss her, trying desperately to keep up appearances.
Andrea placed a single finger on Hilary’s sternum and inched her back before her mouth came anywhere near Andrea’s. “I think not. Goodnight, Hilary,” she said.
Andrea turned on her heel and marched out of the living room before she could think about what she’d done in front of Hilary’s client. She’d been angry enough to do something like that before; but never wanted to suffer the long-term consequences of humiliating Hilary in such a way. Finally, tonight, after being forgotten and humiliated so many times herself, she’d had enough.
Andrea was wiggling into her pajamas when Hilary came storming into their room.
“What the fuck was that?” she shouted. “He just left! I cannot believe you acted like that, he just walked right out which means that I won’t get his contract either!”
“Good to know that you and I are in the middle of a very serious crisis in our personal relationship but the only thing you give a fuck about is some up and coming little shit. So much that you went out of your way to disrespect me and you invited him back here without asking me if I was okay having a complete stranger in my home. But you’re right Hil, I’m the selfish one. I’m the one who came home right after work because I thought that it was the right thing to do after our fight last night and this morning, I’m the one who keeps trying to talk to you despite your every intention to ignore me when I have something uncomfortable to say. Well guess what,” Andrea ripped the covers back on the bed with enough force to make Hilary wince, “I want you out of here. Tonight.”
Hilary balled her fists and blinked back the tears that were falling. “You can’t kick me out of our home,” she said.
Andrea climbed into the bed, making sure to place herself right in the middle of the mattress. “I am not kicking you out of our home. I am telling you that you need to leave my home, the one that I owned before I ever even met you because I am exhausted and I need time to think and most of all I need time away from you.”
“I....you’re overreacting,” Hilary said.
Andrea took an even, measured breath. “No, I’m not. I am not lying or exaggerating when I say that I am exhausted. I am tired of dancing around the issue with you, I am tired of dealing with your moods, I am tired of being second to everyone else in your life, and most of all I am tired of trying to fix things when it’s very clear that you don’t care enough to meet me halfway. When was the last time that you asked me how my day was? When was the last time you offered me a shoulder to cry on after I had a nasty case?”
Hilary stood at the edge of the bed, her jaw clenched tightly as she tried in vain to control her emotions. “Please, Andrea.... we’re good together. I’ve been busy with work and I take responsibility for that,” she said.
Andrea sighed. “I’ve been busy too, but I’m never too busy for you.” Andrea tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Yesterday was my birthday. At first I thought you’d wait until lunch to call me and say something nice to me. When you didn’t call, I thought that maybe you’d surprise me by picking me up at work and take me to dinner. But not only did you never call, but you never answered my calls when I tried to get in contact with you. While I was leaving you a message on your voicemail, I realized, you hadn’t called because you simply hadn’t cared to remember.”
Hilary closed her eyes in horror. “I forgot, I’m so sorry, I’ll make it up-“
“You accused me of going out to dinner with Rusty and Sharon because I wanted to play happy families with them. Really, I went out with them because I didn’t want to spend another birthday alone while you stayed out all night with clients and coworkers. I wish I could say that last night was a one time thing; you forgetting about me, us fighting when you got home, but I can’t remember the last time that we spent more than a few hours together without fighting, or without me feeling ignored. Do you love me?” Andrea asked softly “Or do you just love the idea of me?”
Hilary stared at her in disbelief. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, of course I-”
“It’s a simple question Hilary.”
Hilary combed her fingers through her hair and half-sobbed, half-cried. “Are you serious right now?”
Andrea hugged her knees to her chest and furiously rubbed the tears staining her cheeks. “If you loved me, I wouldn’t even have to ask. I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about things between us. And if I really loved you, you wouldn’t have to ask me either. We’d be in this bed together and we’d never want to leave,” she said quietly. “I think we both know that’s not the case for us anymore, and I think we both know that it’s unfair to keep hurting each other because we feel trapped.”
Hilary watched her in silence. She couldn’t speak, she couldn’t move. She opened her mouth to say something then closed it again. She knew she’d tested Andrea quite a bit lately, but she wasn’t sure when things had gotten this bad.
“Hilary, I need you to leave,” Andrea repeated.
Andrea’s words finally broke her from her stupor and Hilary sat on the edge of the bed, shaking with quiet sobs. “Where am I supposed to go?” she asked desperately, wrapping her arms around her torso. “Yes, you owned this place first. but it’s my home now, too. What am I supposed to do?”
Andrea stared out the window; looking at Hilary was too hard. She watched the moonlight as it reflected off the windowsill, grasping at anything that would keep her distracted enough not to totally lose it. “To a hotel. You can even put it on my card if you want. Take some cash out of our joint account at an ATM if you prefer. You can stay there for a few days while we figure this out but I need you to go. Now.”
Hilary did her best to stop herself from crying as she stood up again. She knew that Andrea had made a decision and there was no changing her mind, no matter how emotional she became. She looked at Andrea one last time, but her partner kept her eyes glued to the window, refusing to look back. Slowly, Hilary moved to the side of the bed and leaned over. She kissed Andrea gently on the forehead and walked out of the bedroom, knowing she’d lost that fight. Hilary grabbed one of her travel bags and stuffed some clothing and toiletries into it; the entire process was mercifully quick seeing as Hilary always had items pre-packed for her business trips. Wordlessly, she left.
Instead of feeling an absence when Hilary left, Andrea felt as though a weight had been lifted off of her. She readjusted herself in the bed and pulled the duvet all the way over her head. For the first time in a long time, she drifted off into a dreamless slumber.