Taking Back Sunday -- Chapter 7
[Title] Taking Back Sunday
[Author] dejectedmadness
[Rating] Eventually NC-17. This chapter… Hard R or Light NC-17 for boykissing/touching/sexual contact.
[Chapter Listing] .:1:. .:2:. .:3:. .:4:. .:5:. .:6:. 7/?
[Disclaimer] I am posting fanFICTION. Neither the characters nor the ideas belong to me, just the plot specific to this story. No profit is being made off of this fiction, it is being written solely for my entertainment and for the entertainment of others as warped as I am. Don't sue.
[Band/Pairing] Brand New/Straylight Run, Jesse Lacey/Brian Lane, Jesse Lacey/John Nolan
[Summary] Jesse makes a new friend about whom John is not particularly fond for reasons as yet only speculated upon.
[X-Posted] rockinthebed, slashypunkboys, _brand_new_love, lacey_loves_jno
[Author’s Notes] This isn’t intended to be particularly AU, although it is a high school fic, and it has some anachronistic tendencies.
There is angst, sexual gratification (although the IMPORTANT clothes remain ON for the most part) and pretty boylove! I am falling a LITTLE bit in love with Jesse/Brian.
“Are you okay?”
Jesse blinked at Brian’s voice. He’d realized a while ago that the car had stopped and the ignition turned off, but he hadn’t made a move to get out of the vehicle. Brian had remained utterly silent beside him. Jesse didn’t respond.
“Jess… it’s not the end of the world. It’ll be okay.”
“It won’t.”
“You don’t think John will understand?”
Jesse shook his head and shrugged, throwing up his hands helplessly. “I don’t know. I don’t know!”
“You have been friends since you were little, Jesse. I don’t think John would just throw that away because… because.”
“Did you see the look on his face?” Jesse asked softly. He blinked rapidly to dissuade his tears from falling. “He ran, Brian. He fucking ran away from me.”
“Jesse… I think John just needs time-”
“Time? Time’s not going to erase the memory of him fucking running from me!”
“Jess, he just doesn’t understand. He was confused.”
“He was confused! What about me? He’s supposed to be my best friend!”
“He is your best friend, Jesse, but… fuck, wouldn’t you be a little shocked if you caught your best friend and the guy you hated making out in his garage? What if you walked in on John and that Adam kid you told me you hate necking in his room?”
Jesse shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “John’s straight Brian. There’s a difference. If I caught him making out with… Jennifer Beasley… I’d probably just be grossed out and ask why. I wouldn’t fucking run away from him! Fuck, how much must he hate me right now?”
“He doesn’t hate you.”
“Doesn’t he?” Jesse’s voice shook.
“Of course not!” Brian turned to face Jesse completely. “Jess, he’s your best friend. He’s just confused. It’s not in people to expect their friends to be gay, or bisexual, or anything but straight. It is the general default expectation for everyone to be straight until proven otherwise.”
“Innocent until proven guilty,” Jesse snorted humourlessly.
“Jesse, stop. He doesn’t hate you. It’s fine. It will be okay. When you see him tomorrow at school… just talk to him.” Brian’s hand rested on Jesse’s shoulder. He squeezed, trying to be comforting.
“He won’t talk to me.”
“Why wouldn’t he?”
Jesse laughed. “Because I’m a fucking fag according to him. I am going straight down to the deepest depths of hell. I’m going to burn for eternity because you turn me on.”
Jesse noticed that Brian couldn’t help but smile at that, no matter how much he tried to suppress the grin. Jesse found he couldn’t help the return smirk that overcame him, too.
“He’ll talk to you, Jesse. He’s not going to drop his best friend without a good explanation. You’ve got a magnificent way with words, Jesse. If you weren’t the most amazing guitarist and vocalist I had ever met, I would say you should be a politician. You could convince God he was a big fat fairy.”
Jesse let himself laugh again, feeling his heart considerably lighter. Yes. He would talk to John tomorrow, at school. Brian was right. His friend wouldn’t give up their relationship without confirmation of what he saw, without a last chance to hear Jesse’s side, and Jesse could charm the pants off a nun, and he knew it. “I don’t need words to convince him of that.” He smiled suggestively at Brian and let his friend’s return grin warm his heart. It would be okay.
“Come on,” Brian said a moment later. “Your guitar probably doesn’t like the cold.”
***
Jesse let Brian lead him up to his room. They both stripped down to what they planned to wear to bed, boxers and a white t-shirt for Brian, and boxer-briefs and a black Smith’s shirt for Jesse, and they lay on Brian’s large bed, huddled in the middle together. Brian’s body temperature always seemed so much higher than Jesse’s, and Jesse was warm and comfortable despite the ball of cold dread that had formed a knot in his stomach. It probably wasn’t even eleven, yet, but Jesse was content to just lie there for the rest of the night.
He couldn’t escape the feeling of terror John’s reaction had summoned. How was he ever going to explain to his best friend what he had seen? It seemed completely pointless, not to mention incredibly obvious! All he could confess to John was that which his friend already knew, having caught him with his tongue in another boy’s mouth; Jesse was gay, or if not gay, bisexual. At the very least, Jesse liked the feel and taste and touch of another boy’s body and lips and hands. At the very least, Jesse wasn’t quite straight, and John did not need a news flash to know that.
So then what could Jesse say to him? ‘Let me explain. Brian is my boyfriend?’ If that weren’t abundantly clear, then Jesse would throw himself into traffic. In fact, that seemed like a good idea anyway; he would keep that in mind. All Jesse knew was that he needed to say something to his friend, something that would help, something that might make John hate him less.
The prospect of what John might have to say on the subject of Jesse’s choice of sin propagated the dread in his stomach, allowed it to grow, build upon itself until Jesse felt physically cold. He shivered. John would tell him how wrong it was. He might bring up Taking Back Sunday. He might threaten to tell their priest. Or Jesse’s father! What would Jesse do, then? John would try to get Jesse to renounce his life of sin; Jesse knew it. As if John really needed another good reason for Jesse to stop seeing Brian. The fiery pits of hell and eternal damnation were good enough reasons on their own, even if Jesse’s friendship with John didn’t hang in the balance.
Then there was the question of how grossed out John probably was. John had begged him many times not to grope his girlfriends in his presence. He said it was gross; he didn’t need to see people fucking before his eyes. He could nick his father’s naughty videos more easily, and then wouldn’t have to worry about seeing that girl at school the next day and thinking of her naked boobs in his face. If feeling up a girl caused that much disgust in his friend, then watching Jesse with another guy might have been enough to send him into fits of spontaneous vomiting. No doubt, when Jesse managed to get John to talk to him again, he would recount how many time’s he’d felt nauseous from the image of Jesse and Brian burned into his retinas.
How was Jesse going to face John tomorrow?
And what if his friend had told Shaun what he’d seen? What if Shaun was just as grossed out as John? John and Jesse, they had kept secrets for each other before, a number of times, and Jesse hoped they would again, but Shaun? Shaun was a good friend, Jesse loved the guy, but he wasn’t terribly willing to put too much stock into the value of a secret with him, especially when the secret was, “Jesse Lacey is gay!” Jesse cringed to think that by tomorrow afternoon, the rumour would be all around the school.
Brian’s arms tightened around Jesse, and he realized he’d been shivering. Brian reached up to stroke his hair, fingers brushing by Jesse’s ear as he comforted the guitarist. Jesse tried to force his body into compliance, relaxing as much as he was able, telling himself not to shake, but he found he couldn’t stop, and that frustrated him more than anything. Not only was he powerless to control what would happen to him thanks to John’s untimely discovery, but also he couldn’t even maintain a modicum of command over his own body! Jesse bit hard at the inside of his lip, struggling to overcome the sudden urge to cry. He didn’t cry! Jesse Lacey hadn’t cried in years!
“Hey, it’s okay,” whispered Brian’s voice in his ear. “It’s alright, Jess. It’s okay.” Brian stroked Jesse’s hair, and pressed his lips to Jesse’s forehead. How had he known that Jesse was on the verge of breaking down? Jesse knew he hadn’t made a sound; he’d been very careful. Brian pulled back and looked at Jesse. When his thumb brushed over Jesse’s cheek and came away wet, Jesse understood. Apparently, on the topic of futile attempts at maintaining control, Jesse actually had, despite his struggle, begun to weep. “It’ll be alright. John’s your best friend. He’ll listen to reason. It’ll be alright.”
“What if it’s not?” Jesse squeaked, his face flushing and more tears welling up in frustration at his inability to keep his emotions in check. He felt his breath catch in his throat and spoke again in a sob, “What if he tells my dad?”
“What would your dad do?” Brian’s words almost seemed challenging but for the lilt in his voice. He was curious. Would his father actually do anything?
“He’d make me stop seeing you. He’d probably lock me in the confessional every night for the next year. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere or do anything. I’d be permanently grounded. And that’s if he’s feeling generous!” Jesse shook his head. “He’d take me away from you, and… Bri, you’re the only one on my side.”
“He won’t.” Brian kissed Jesse’s forehead again and gave up trying to clean the tears from his cheeks. “He won’t. John wouldn’t do that to you.”
“What if he does?”
“He won’t, Jesse. And even if he does, I’m not going anywhere. No one is going to take you away from me, okay? I won’t let them.” Brian shook his head. “I won’t, and you won’t. Okay?”
Jesse blinked through the water in his eyes enough to see that Brian’s were glistening, too.
“John’s a lot of things, but he’s not an asshole. He wouldn’t hurt you like that. I know he wouldn’t. He might hate me, but he loves you, and you don’t take away the things your loved ones love,” Brian professed, and his voice was full of the purest conviction, Jesse couldn’t help but let himself be swayed.
He exhaled heavily and reached up to wipe his eyes. He nodded.
“You’re mine.” Brian squeezed him possessively. Jesse was forced to laugh. Brian relented just enough to press his lips to Jesse’s. “No one’s taking you from me,” Brian repeated. “Right?”
“Right,” Jesse agreed.
“I want to hear you say it,” Brian insisted, kissing Jesse again, tenderly.
Jesse sighed. “I’m yours,” he whispered, and tried to kiss Brian again, but the drummer leaned away.
“And?” he pressed.
Jesse chuckled. “And no one’s taking me away from you,” he complied.
Brian smiled and let Jesse claim the kiss he’d wanted. “Mm, and a good thing, too, because I like doing that way too much to let someone get in the way of it.”
Jesse grinned and let their lips meet. “Me, too,” he agreed a second later.
It was true. Jesse could never get enough of Brian’s lips. They were perfect and soft. He kissed with all the force of his teeth and the pent up energy he held bottled inside of him. Jesse loved it. He loved the sense of power that Brian exuded, so different from the passive complacence of every girl he knew. That wasn’t to say that Brian wasn’t gentle or tender or attentive to what Jesse wanted. He was just so much firmer and more rigid than all the girls Jesse had kissed.
As intense as it always felt, it almost seemed as though Jesse and Brian were both holding back, both of them restraining themselves so that the power that bubbled behind their lips and teeth wouldn’t break out over one another. Jesse looked forward to the day when that warm heat in his stomach boiled over, the day when Brian’s reticence broke, too, and they fought with tongues and teeth and hips and hands for dominance and pleasure. That would never happen with any girl; he would never have let it, lest he lose control over himself with her, be rough with her. Girls weren’t built to withstand the ferocity of which Jesse knew himself to be capable.
Jesse relaxed into Brian’s mouth. So far they hadn’t had that outburst of furious passion, so far they had managed to keep their clothes on, and so far everything had been above the belt. Jesse hadn’t let Brian get him off, yet. Instead, he let Brian turn him on enough that he had to ask him to stop, then Jesse went into the bathroom and finished himself off. But Jesse and Brian hadn’t been together for more than a couple of days. As horny as teenage boys were, Jesse had his own morals to worry about, even if the state of his eternal soul was not a terrible concern given the gender of his friend, Jesse still didn’t want to be a slut. He was still a virgin, even with girls. He wasn’t ready to take that leap with anyone, regardless of sex, and he would stick to what few morals he possessed until he was.
However far away Jesse was from giving up his cherry, though, he still wanted to feel Brian’s touch. Just being pressed against him like this made that tightness in Jesse’s tummy return. Brian’s thumb stroked his jaw, fingers stretching around his neck to play with Jesse’s curls, and his lazy kisses pumped up his heartbeat and made his breathing slightly more rapid.
Brian’s other hand, trapped between them ventured up to Jesse’s chest, the most easily accessible location for it to reach, and settled against him, pressing his palm flat to Jesse’s t-shirt clad torso. He pulled back from a particularly long kiss.
“Why does that seem to make everything better?”
Brian smiled. “Because you like kissing me.”
“I love kissing you,” Jesse agreed, easily.
Brian inched closer again. “Good,” he whispered.
Jesse pulled Brian closer with a hand around his waist and sighed when he felt the other boy’s fingers brush his nipple. Yes, this definitely made everything better, or at least… it made everything worth it.
Jesse’s mouth opened to receive Brian’s tongue. He moaned. It stroked his own and began to ignite that tightness in Jesse’s stomach so that not only was it tense, but it was burning. Jesse tried to inch closer, but there was no more room between them. He sighed around Brian’s lips. His body was begging to be touched, anywhere and everywhere. Brian drew his hand down from Jesse’s face to his chest, where his other hand already was, but this one had more freedom. He let it trace Jesse’s collarbone and skim down his chest, the pads of his fingers catching Jesse’s nipple as they passed. Jesse’s mouth dropped open. Brian repeated the action and another moan ripped from his throat, breaking their kiss and freeing Brian’s lips for other things.
Eagerly, Brian turned Jesse onto his back and nudged his chin up for access to his throat. He locked his lips on the hollow of skin under Jesse’s ear and sucked gently, but it was more than enough to finish turning Jesse on. Brian, hovering over Jesse as he drew curlicues and other fun designs across his chest, was in the perfect location to notice as Jesse’s erection filled out. Jesse couldn’t stop from grinding against Brian’s thigh, conveniently positioned over him. Brian seemed to like that, because he groaned in response, the sound vibrating against Jesse’s skin, and moments later, Jesse noticed Brian was in the same predicament as he himself.
“Brian,” Jesse whispered, tugging at his arm until Brian raised his head to meet Jesse’s urgent lips. Jesse pressed his hips upward with a hitch in his breath. Brian responded by pushing his own hips back down. It felt too good, Jesse thought. It felt too good, and he couldn’t stand it.
There were too many clothes in the way, he decided as he tugged and pulled at Brian’s offensive t-shirt. Brian obligingly reached up behind his head and pulled it off in one swift motion, letting Jesse decide that the same action was necessary for his own shirt. Committing sacrilege, Jesse tossed the Smiths garment carelessly onto Brian’s floor, but as soon as Brian’s hands were back on his skin, their torsos pressed together, Jesse knew that Morrissey wouldn’t mind as much as he would have at not having that delightful heat and the sticky pre-sweat perspiration forcing roughness into their touches. Jesse gasped out loud when Brian’s fingers closed over his already hard nipple. Jesus, that felt good, he thought as he thrust upward. That felt so good.
Jesse threw his head back on the pillow, baring his throat to Brian’s ministrations. His friend kissed his clavicle, and then with his slippery tongue, he drew sinusoidal patterns down Jesse’s chest. Jesse’s following groan was long and drawn out. He had to take a second breath to complete it, and then he only did so because Brian’s lips closed over his other nipple, and his delightful pink tongue darted out to encircle it, brush over it, before he sucked lightly and brought Jesse’s hips up off the bed with such force that the teen thought he would knock Brian off him altogether.
But Brian was very adamantly not going anywhere. Jesse must have pressed his thigh into Brian’s groin, he assumed, because his lips broke their seal against Jesse’s chest and he cried out in a half-moan-half-sigh and exhaled heavily against the trail of saliva he’d patterned down Jesse’s skin. Jesse watched with rapt interest at the wide-mouthed, shut-eyed expression of ecstasy painting Brian’s features, and it only took a second for him to realize that he loved it, so much, in fact, that he was willing to do almost anything to see it again.
Jesse arched his neck upward, straining for Brian’s lips, and coaxed the other boy’s tongue into his mouth. His wandering hands slid hesitantly along Brian’s skin from his back to his chest. As Brian’s kiss grew more frantic, Jesse’s curious fingertips scoured every indentation, every bump, even the mole on his left hip and the nearly invisible scar on his right triceps, until Brian was gasping for air, moaning with every new swipe of tongue on tongue. Jesse gripped the other boy’s sides and shifted his hips upwards, into Brian’s body. He felt the drummer’s crotch press down against his leg, hot and hard, and Brian had to break the kiss in order to moan and gulp for air.
“Jesse!” Brian whimpered, but Jesse wasn’t ready to hear it. He didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want better judgement to take over for either of them. He launched forward to renew their kiss and writhed his leg, pressing it up against Brian again. Brian cried out and the kiss was broken yet again, but Jesse’s concerns were assuaged when Brian thrust downward against him and gripped Jesse’s shoulder with one hand and his hair with the other. “Jesse, please!” he cried.
Jesse, however, had no control any longer. With Brian’s previous hip-movement, Jesse had crossed the point of no return. He felt that searing fever storm through him, igniting his bones and his flesh until Jesse was sure that he couldn’t breathe anything but Brian’s heat, and all he felt was the height of bliss at Brian’s caress, everywhere, on his arm, his tummy, his chest, his hips. Jesse’s stomach felt tight, and he couldn’t think of anything but letting that wave break, finally, crash over them and carry them away with its ebbing flood.
“Brian. God, Brian, please!” Jesse threw his head back and arched upward for more contact. The fabric of cotton between them rubbed irritatingly, denying them the smooth frictionless slide of skin and sweat.
“Jesse! Oh my God, Jesse!” Brian gasped into the guitarist’s neck.
Jesse couldn’t help his hands. They moved on their own with no command from him, pulled Brian’s shorts down enough to stroke the skin of Brian’s backside, and slipped to his front, scratching at hipbones and snaking between them, toward the subject of Jesse’s desire.
“Jesus, Jesse! Oh fuck!” Brian choked. Jesse’s head was tugged backward by the fingers laced through his short brown curls, the fingers of the hand that wasn’t currently trying to duplicate Jesse’s straining grasp as it sneaked between them, shoving past Jesse’s underpants, inching closer to its prize. Jesse’s neck was stretched before Brian, but somehow the other boy managed to maintain a modicum of rationality and bit Jesse’s shoulder, a location easily concealed, instead of his pale and normally plainly visible throat.
Jesse’s fingers were getting dangerously close. It was becoming difficult to convince himself not to cross that boundary; something told him that the moment he did, there would be no going back, and as ecstatic as Jesse was, he wasn’t sure he was ready to venture into the place of no return. That didn’t mean that he didn’t really, really want to touch more than just the course curls he felt beneath his fingers and the heated flesh of Brian’s abdomen that trapped his hand between Brian and Brian’s shorts.
Brian’s fingers tentatively explored, too. Jesse felt them brush his hip, then the crease between his thigh and groin. He imagined how remarkable it would feel for them to close over him, to stroke him, pull him to release. Oh fuck! “Brian! Oh my God, Brian! I’m going to- I’m gonna-”
“Jesse,” Brian sighed after pulling his teeth from Jesse’s shoulder. “I’m close, Jess,” Brian whispered into Jesse’s lips.
“Uh!” Jesse yelled, his stomach contracting to drive his hips up, because that was all it took: knowing that he could do that to Brian. Jesse breathed heavily as the burst of pleasure cascaded over him. “Oh, Brian!” he breathed emphatically.
A second later, as Jesse’s last writhing motions subsided, Brian growled and moaned loudly. Jesse felt the wetness seep through Brian’s shorts to his skin. As he lay back, blinking, bleary-eyed, Brian’s climax receded, too, leaving him limp and prone on top of Jesse’s relaxed form.
Brian’s head dropped to the crook of Jesse’s neck. He panted against his friend’s skin. Jesse smiled lazily and reached up to tuck Brian’s too-long, extra-shaggy hair behind his ear, only to have it fall into his face again. Brian smiled and exerted just enough effort to push his head forward and place a kiss to Jesse’s jaw. There they lay, panting, and eventually just breathing, and holding each other.
Jesse heard a watch beep to tell them it was midnight. Brian must have heard it, too, because he lifted up with shaky arms and rolled over onto his back. A few seconds later, he sat up and reached for the box of tissues next to his bed. He passed a few to Jesse and politely turned his back to allow Jesse his own privacy while they both cleaned themselves up.
Brian stood to approach the trashcan, picking it up and holding it out to Jesse who threw his tissue wads away. Brian opened the top drawer of his dresser and obtained two fresh pairs of boxer shorts, handing one to Jesse, and kept his back turned while they both changed.
Brian crawled back into the bed, pulling the covers up around he and Jesse. Jesse held out his arm so that Brian could obligingly nestle himself into Jesse’s embrace. With a kiss, they said goodnight.
***
With what could be described as nothing but cold, hard terror, Jesse strode down the too brightly lit, periwinkle-blue-painted hallway toward his complementary steel blue coloured locker, his polished shoes scuffing the generic high school floor as he counted, with downcast eyes, each time he stepped on one of the thin grey lines separating one identical tile from the next. His mother’s back should have been broken in sixteen pieces by the time he’d made it from Brian’s car to his first period class.
The bell was about to ring, and Jesse knew it, but he hesitated outside the door, staring through to the seated students within, only able to see the first row. A girl pushed past him, followed by three of her jock boyfriends, casting Jesse a glare because how dare he get in their way when they meant to be someplace. Jesse shuffled from one foot to the next, delaying the moment when he would have to walk through that door and meet one of two things: either John’s disgusted scowl from across the room, or his friend’s embarrassed, angry, dismissive downcast eyes. Either would accompany the silent treatment, although the first might see him enduring a sneer or crude remark, not that Jesse could really imagine John being rude to him, or anyone for that matter. John wasn’t the type to display his revulsion outright. Jesse was convinced, however, that although nothing in all his years of knowing John suggested that he’d ever treat Jesse as such, there was a first time for anything, and all it took to revolutionize a person’s character was the appropriate circumstance; Jesse was afraid that the circumstance which would cause John to act like an asshole was the one he’d encountered last night.
The bell shrilled and Jesse inhaled, stepping forward toward the door. He forced his eyes up from the ground, determined to act normal if only to maintain the impression that nothing was up for every other set of prying eyes in the class. For that reason, Jesse noticed without actually entering the room, that the corner seat near the window, usually occupied by his best friend, was empty. Jesse frowned, stopped in the doorway, and seconds later, was hauled bodily backwards back into the hall.
Jesse fell back against the lockers next to the door with a clang, his backpack taking the brunt of it, although he huffed “oof” on impact, anyway.
“Shaun!” Jesse started angrily, but before he could say another word, Shaun’s hand was over his mouth.
“Shut up. Don’t talk. Just listen to me, okay?”
Jesse pushed forward, reaching up to grab the hand clamped over his mouth, but Shaun shoved him back again and pulled Jesse’s hand away.
“Lacey, I’ve always wondered which of us would win in a fight, okay. I don’t really want to test it right now, but I will if you’re going to be a pussy about this. Just listen to me?” he said it like a question, although his voice was still demanding, a pre-emptive refusal of objection. Shaun’s face flushed red with anger, but not being one to maintain annoyance for very long, his face softened again quickly.
“Taay yoo han awf my mowf!” Jesse ordered. Thankfully, Shaun seemed to speak Muffled-Jesse-Talk because he did take his hand off Jesse’s mouth as requested. Jesse’s lips were set in a line firm with anger. “So fucking talk,” he ordered.
Shaun rolled his eyes and sighed, pulling Jesse away. He led him to the boys’ room down the hall. Jesse stood as far from Shaun as he could, arms crossed over his chest. He wanted to just be mad, but his fear was taking over. He knew that Shaun wouldn’t have abducted him in such a manner unless he knew what Jesse feared he knew.
“First, I just want to say you’re the stupidest fucking idiot I have ever met, do you know that?”
“Hey, fuck you!” Jesse retorted, pointing at his friend angrily. “You don’t-”
“Shut up, Jesse! Let me have ten minutes to say what I’m going to say, and then you can fucking scream at me all you want!” Jesse clenched his teeth until he heard them creaking. Shaun seemed satisfied that he had his friend’s attention, so he continued.
“You’re the stupidest person I’ve ever met if you think that this wasn’t exactly what John was afraid of when he said Brian was going to take you away from him.”
“How could John have known-?”
“Not specifically… John knew that Brian was going to become more important to you than he was. He knew that Brian would lure you away from him, intentionally or not. I have to admit I saw it happening, too. You went from just spending a lot of time with him to talking about him all the time to… this. He just replaced everything else in your life until we were barely hanging onto threads of you that were still in tact because of misplaced obligations and some skewed sense of responsibility and guilt. Guilt is for Catholicism, Jesse, not friendship. You shouldn’t feel like it’s a chore to be around us, or to be away from him.”
Jesse shook his head, “I never felt like-”
“But told-you-sos and guilt trips aside, you’re still the stupidest kid I’ve ever met.”
“Fuck you, too!” Jesse tossed back, anger resurfacing violently with the tension in his squared shoulders.
“If you can’t see what you meant to John, then you are.” Shaun shook his head. He sounded dejected as he spoke, like he was exhausted just trying to explain to Jesse, like he thought Jesse should be bright enough to understand without this explanation. “Jesus, Jess. Yesterday was like a big fucking billboard to him that said, ‘you mean nothing to Jesse.’”
“Oh my god, that’s ridiculous!” Jesse cried. He was completely taken back at how unorthodox Shaun’s comment was. “How could my relationship with Brian have any bearing on what John means to me?”
Shaun laughed. “You are the thickest kid I’ve ever met, Jesse.”
Jesse shook his head. “What the fuck?” he yelled. “John catches me-” he lowered his voice, “John catches me and Brian… kissing… and, and he feels like I hate him? That doesn’t compute, Shaun. When my best friend actually hauls ass and runs away from me… fuck… he’s disgusted! He hates me. He thinks I am an amoral, perverted, disgusting freak of nature, a sinful, grotesque, abomination of God, and I should be shot! Not, ‘Shit, Jesse’s kissing a boy! I think he must hate me!’”
“Not that you hate him. He knows you don’t Jesse. Just that he doesn’t mean anything to you.”
Jesse gaped. Did Shaun actually think that this conversation was making sense? “Of course he means something to me! He’s been my best friend since we were both-”
“You just don’t understand! You’re really special, Jesse, in the small bus kind of way-” Shaun laughed, but not because it was funny, because he was fed up.
“If this is so easy for you to grasp, then why don’t you explain it to me in terms I can figure out instead of insulting me! Do you know what I did all night?”
“Besides hump your boyfriend?”
Jesse growled and turned from Shaun, striding to the door. “Fuck you. I won’t stand here and be insulted!”
Shaun grabbed his arm. “Jesse, will you just think about what I’m saying for ten seconds without getting mad?”
Jesse shook him off. “You know what? No! How about you just tell me where John is so I can go fucking talk to him myself!”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Jesse spun on his friend, his eyes as threatening as his stance, fists clenched at his sides. “Where is he?” he demanded, his hoarse voice leaving no room for Shaun’s protestations.
“He didn’t come to school-”
“I figured that much-”
“He’s at home!” Shaun yelled. “Or maybe on a ledge somewhere! Fuck, I don’t know! Last night he spent all goddamn night with me, so fucking distraught that he didn’t sleep! He begged me, begged me, to sleep at my place because he was scared if he stayed home you’d show up and try to talk to him!”
Jesse’s expression was one of incredulity. “Jesus!”
“I think you should give him a day or so before you go over there.”
Jesse shook his head. “Not if it’s going to make John leap off a building somewhere, Shaun!”
“Well… look, I didn’t mean that.”
“Didn’t you?”
Shaun considered carefully before shrugging. “Well… probably not.”
Jesse raised an eyebrow. “I’m going over there now.” He started for the door.
“Jesse, you’re just going to hurt him-”
He stopped in his tracks. “If you would fucking tell me what this is all about, maybe I wouldn’t.”
Shaun yelled wordlessly. “Fuck, Jesse!” he screamed.
“Fuck you, Shaun!” he spat in the other boy’s face.
“You’re an insensitive, oblivious, stupid kid with stars in his eyes! John doesn’t want to see you go over there and get all defensive because you’re in love with Brian, or hear some sentimental, self-righteous bullshit about how you didn’t tell him or me or anyone because you knew we would fucking beat you down for being a fag or something! He doesn’t want excuses! He doesn’t want to answer questions that your thick fucking skull can’t see for itself!”
“Then what the fuck does he want, Shaun? Don’t tell me not to go and try to salvage what’s left of this friendship because I am going to!”
“And with best interests in mind you’re going to push him as far away as you can!” Shaun retorted. “How are you so fucking blind, Jesse? You might as well just fucking stay with Brian. Just go crawl back into bed with him for all the good it’s going to do you to go see John right now!”
Jesse didn’t register until Shaun was tumbling backward into the sinks and against the mirror that his arm was pulling back to strike him. Jesse wasn’t an incredibly violent person, but Shaun had definitely done a good job of putting his back up. Shaun touched his upper lip and the blood that was flowing down from his nose. He stared at Jesse in dizzy surprise until Jesse spun on his heel and turned to stride out of the bathroom on the way to his locker, and then for John’s house.
[Author] dejectedmadness
[Rating] Eventually NC-17. This chapter… Hard R or Light NC-17 for boykissing/touching/sexual contact.
[Chapter Listing] .:1:. .:2:. .:3:. .:4:. .:5:. .:6:. 7/?
[Disclaimer] I am posting fanFICTION. Neither the characters nor the ideas belong to me, just the plot specific to this story. No profit is being made off of this fiction, it is being written solely for my entertainment and for the entertainment of others as warped as I am. Don't sue.
[Band/Pairing] Brand New/Straylight Run, Jesse Lacey/Brian Lane, Jesse Lacey/John Nolan
[Summary] Jesse makes a new friend about whom John is not particularly fond for reasons as yet only speculated upon.
[X-Posted] rockinthebed, slashypunkboys, _brand_new_love, lacey_loves_jno
[Author’s Notes] This isn’t intended to be particularly AU, although it is a high school fic, and it has some anachronistic tendencies.
There is angst, sexual gratification (although the IMPORTANT clothes remain ON for the most part) and pretty boylove! I am falling a LITTLE bit in love with Jesse/Brian.
“Are you okay?”
Jesse blinked at Brian’s voice. He’d realized a while ago that the car had stopped and the ignition turned off, but he hadn’t made a move to get out of the vehicle. Brian had remained utterly silent beside him. Jesse didn’t respond.
“Jess… it’s not the end of the world. It’ll be okay.”
“It won’t.”
“You don’t think John will understand?”
Jesse shook his head and shrugged, throwing up his hands helplessly. “I don’t know. I don’t know!”
“You have been friends since you were little, Jesse. I don’t think John would just throw that away because… because.”
“Did you see the look on his face?” Jesse asked softly. He blinked rapidly to dissuade his tears from falling. “He ran, Brian. He fucking ran away from me.”
“Jesse… I think John just needs time-”
“Time? Time’s not going to erase the memory of him fucking running from me!”
“Jess, he just doesn’t understand. He was confused.”
“He was confused! What about me? He’s supposed to be my best friend!”
“He is your best friend, Jesse, but… fuck, wouldn’t you be a little shocked if you caught your best friend and the guy you hated making out in his garage? What if you walked in on John and that Adam kid you told me you hate necking in his room?”
Jesse shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “John’s straight Brian. There’s a difference. If I caught him making out with… Jennifer Beasley… I’d probably just be grossed out and ask why. I wouldn’t fucking run away from him! Fuck, how much must he hate me right now?”
“He doesn’t hate you.”
“Doesn’t he?” Jesse’s voice shook.
“Of course not!” Brian turned to face Jesse completely. “Jess, he’s your best friend. He’s just confused. It’s not in people to expect their friends to be gay, or bisexual, or anything but straight. It is the general default expectation for everyone to be straight until proven otherwise.”
“Innocent until proven guilty,” Jesse snorted humourlessly.
“Jesse, stop. He doesn’t hate you. It’s fine. It will be okay. When you see him tomorrow at school… just talk to him.” Brian’s hand rested on Jesse’s shoulder. He squeezed, trying to be comforting.
“He won’t talk to me.”
“Why wouldn’t he?”
Jesse laughed. “Because I’m a fucking fag according to him. I am going straight down to the deepest depths of hell. I’m going to burn for eternity because you turn me on.”
Jesse noticed that Brian couldn’t help but smile at that, no matter how much he tried to suppress the grin. Jesse found he couldn’t help the return smirk that overcame him, too.
“He’ll talk to you, Jesse. He’s not going to drop his best friend without a good explanation. You’ve got a magnificent way with words, Jesse. If you weren’t the most amazing guitarist and vocalist I had ever met, I would say you should be a politician. You could convince God he was a big fat fairy.”
Jesse let himself laugh again, feeling his heart considerably lighter. Yes. He would talk to John tomorrow, at school. Brian was right. His friend wouldn’t give up their relationship without confirmation of what he saw, without a last chance to hear Jesse’s side, and Jesse could charm the pants off a nun, and he knew it. “I don’t need words to convince him of that.” He smiled suggestively at Brian and let his friend’s return grin warm his heart. It would be okay.
“Come on,” Brian said a moment later. “Your guitar probably doesn’t like the cold.”
***
Jesse let Brian lead him up to his room. They both stripped down to what they planned to wear to bed, boxers and a white t-shirt for Brian, and boxer-briefs and a black Smith’s shirt for Jesse, and they lay on Brian’s large bed, huddled in the middle together. Brian’s body temperature always seemed so much higher than Jesse’s, and Jesse was warm and comfortable despite the ball of cold dread that had formed a knot in his stomach. It probably wasn’t even eleven, yet, but Jesse was content to just lie there for the rest of the night.
He couldn’t escape the feeling of terror John’s reaction had summoned. How was he ever going to explain to his best friend what he had seen? It seemed completely pointless, not to mention incredibly obvious! All he could confess to John was that which his friend already knew, having caught him with his tongue in another boy’s mouth; Jesse was gay, or if not gay, bisexual. At the very least, Jesse liked the feel and taste and touch of another boy’s body and lips and hands. At the very least, Jesse wasn’t quite straight, and John did not need a news flash to know that.
So then what could Jesse say to him? ‘Let me explain. Brian is my boyfriend?’ If that weren’t abundantly clear, then Jesse would throw himself into traffic. In fact, that seemed like a good idea anyway; he would keep that in mind. All Jesse knew was that he needed to say something to his friend, something that would help, something that might make John hate him less.
The prospect of what John might have to say on the subject of Jesse’s choice of sin propagated the dread in his stomach, allowed it to grow, build upon itself until Jesse felt physically cold. He shivered. John would tell him how wrong it was. He might bring up Taking Back Sunday. He might threaten to tell their priest. Or Jesse’s father! What would Jesse do, then? John would try to get Jesse to renounce his life of sin; Jesse knew it. As if John really needed another good reason for Jesse to stop seeing Brian. The fiery pits of hell and eternal damnation were good enough reasons on their own, even if Jesse’s friendship with John didn’t hang in the balance.
Then there was the question of how grossed out John probably was. John had begged him many times not to grope his girlfriends in his presence. He said it was gross; he didn’t need to see people fucking before his eyes. He could nick his father’s naughty videos more easily, and then wouldn’t have to worry about seeing that girl at school the next day and thinking of her naked boobs in his face. If feeling up a girl caused that much disgust in his friend, then watching Jesse with another guy might have been enough to send him into fits of spontaneous vomiting. No doubt, when Jesse managed to get John to talk to him again, he would recount how many time’s he’d felt nauseous from the image of Jesse and Brian burned into his retinas.
How was Jesse going to face John tomorrow?
And what if his friend had told Shaun what he’d seen? What if Shaun was just as grossed out as John? John and Jesse, they had kept secrets for each other before, a number of times, and Jesse hoped they would again, but Shaun? Shaun was a good friend, Jesse loved the guy, but he wasn’t terribly willing to put too much stock into the value of a secret with him, especially when the secret was, “Jesse Lacey is gay!” Jesse cringed to think that by tomorrow afternoon, the rumour would be all around the school.
Brian’s arms tightened around Jesse, and he realized he’d been shivering. Brian reached up to stroke his hair, fingers brushing by Jesse’s ear as he comforted the guitarist. Jesse tried to force his body into compliance, relaxing as much as he was able, telling himself not to shake, but he found he couldn’t stop, and that frustrated him more than anything. Not only was he powerless to control what would happen to him thanks to John’s untimely discovery, but also he couldn’t even maintain a modicum of command over his own body! Jesse bit hard at the inside of his lip, struggling to overcome the sudden urge to cry. He didn’t cry! Jesse Lacey hadn’t cried in years!
“Hey, it’s okay,” whispered Brian’s voice in his ear. “It’s alright, Jess. It’s okay.” Brian stroked Jesse’s hair, and pressed his lips to Jesse’s forehead. How had he known that Jesse was on the verge of breaking down? Jesse knew he hadn’t made a sound; he’d been very careful. Brian pulled back and looked at Jesse. When his thumb brushed over Jesse’s cheek and came away wet, Jesse understood. Apparently, on the topic of futile attempts at maintaining control, Jesse actually had, despite his struggle, begun to weep. “It’ll be alright. John’s your best friend. He’ll listen to reason. It’ll be alright.”
“What if it’s not?” Jesse squeaked, his face flushing and more tears welling up in frustration at his inability to keep his emotions in check. He felt his breath catch in his throat and spoke again in a sob, “What if he tells my dad?”
“What would your dad do?” Brian’s words almost seemed challenging but for the lilt in his voice. He was curious. Would his father actually do anything?
“He’d make me stop seeing you. He’d probably lock me in the confessional every night for the next year. He wouldn’t let me go anywhere or do anything. I’d be permanently grounded. And that’s if he’s feeling generous!” Jesse shook his head. “He’d take me away from you, and… Bri, you’re the only one on my side.”
“He won’t.” Brian kissed Jesse’s forehead again and gave up trying to clean the tears from his cheeks. “He won’t. John wouldn’t do that to you.”
“What if he does?”
“He won’t, Jesse. And even if he does, I’m not going anywhere. No one is going to take you away from me, okay? I won’t let them.” Brian shook his head. “I won’t, and you won’t. Okay?”
Jesse blinked through the water in his eyes enough to see that Brian’s were glistening, too.
“John’s a lot of things, but he’s not an asshole. He wouldn’t hurt you like that. I know he wouldn’t. He might hate me, but he loves you, and you don’t take away the things your loved ones love,” Brian professed, and his voice was full of the purest conviction, Jesse couldn’t help but let himself be swayed.
He exhaled heavily and reached up to wipe his eyes. He nodded.
“You’re mine.” Brian squeezed him possessively. Jesse was forced to laugh. Brian relented just enough to press his lips to Jesse’s. “No one’s taking you from me,” Brian repeated. “Right?”
“Right,” Jesse agreed.
“I want to hear you say it,” Brian insisted, kissing Jesse again, tenderly.
Jesse sighed. “I’m yours,” he whispered, and tried to kiss Brian again, but the drummer leaned away.
“And?” he pressed.
Jesse chuckled. “And no one’s taking me away from you,” he complied.
Brian smiled and let Jesse claim the kiss he’d wanted. “Mm, and a good thing, too, because I like doing that way too much to let someone get in the way of it.”
Jesse grinned and let their lips meet. “Me, too,” he agreed a second later.
It was true. Jesse could never get enough of Brian’s lips. They were perfect and soft. He kissed with all the force of his teeth and the pent up energy he held bottled inside of him. Jesse loved it. He loved the sense of power that Brian exuded, so different from the passive complacence of every girl he knew. That wasn’t to say that Brian wasn’t gentle or tender or attentive to what Jesse wanted. He was just so much firmer and more rigid than all the girls Jesse had kissed.
As intense as it always felt, it almost seemed as though Jesse and Brian were both holding back, both of them restraining themselves so that the power that bubbled behind their lips and teeth wouldn’t break out over one another. Jesse looked forward to the day when that warm heat in his stomach boiled over, the day when Brian’s reticence broke, too, and they fought with tongues and teeth and hips and hands for dominance and pleasure. That would never happen with any girl; he would never have let it, lest he lose control over himself with her, be rough with her. Girls weren’t built to withstand the ferocity of which Jesse knew himself to be capable.
Jesse relaxed into Brian’s mouth. So far they hadn’t had that outburst of furious passion, so far they had managed to keep their clothes on, and so far everything had been above the belt. Jesse hadn’t let Brian get him off, yet. Instead, he let Brian turn him on enough that he had to ask him to stop, then Jesse went into the bathroom and finished himself off. But Jesse and Brian hadn’t been together for more than a couple of days. As horny as teenage boys were, Jesse had his own morals to worry about, even if the state of his eternal soul was not a terrible concern given the gender of his friend, Jesse still didn’t want to be a slut. He was still a virgin, even with girls. He wasn’t ready to take that leap with anyone, regardless of sex, and he would stick to what few morals he possessed until he was.
However far away Jesse was from giving up his cherry, though, he still wanted to feel Brian’s touch. Just being pressed against him like this made that tightness in Jesse’s tummy return. Brian’s thumb stroked his jaw, fingers stretching around his neck to play with Jesse’s curls, and his lazy kisses pumped up his heartbeat and made his breathing slightly more rapid.
Brian’s other hand, trapped between them ventured up to Jesse’s chest, the most easily accessible location for it to reach, and settled against him, pressing his palm flat to Jesse’s t-shirt clad torso. He pulled back from a particularly long kiss.
“Why does that seem to make everything better?”
Brian smiled. “Because you like kissing me.”
“I love kissing you,” Jesse agreed, easily.
Brian inched closer again. “Good,” he whispered.
Jesse pulled Brian closer with a hand around his waist and sighed when he felt the other boy’s fingers brush his nipple. Yes, this definitely made everything better, or at least… it made everything worth it.
Jesse’s mouth opened to receive Brian’s tongue. He moaned. It stroked his own and began to ignite that tightness in Jesse’s stomach so that not only was it tense, but it was burning. Jesse tried to inch closer, but there was no more room between them. He sighed around Brian’s lips. His body was begging to be touched, anywhere and everywhere. Brian drew his hand down from Jesse’s face to his chest, where his other hand already was, but this one had more freedom. He let it trace Jesse’s collarbone and skim down his chest, the pads of his fingers catching Jesse’s nipple as they passed. Jesse’s mouth dropped open. Brian repeated the action and another moan ripped from his throat, breaking their kiss and freeing Brian’s lips for other things.
Eagerly, Brian turned Jesse onto his back and nudged his chin up for access to his throat. He locked his lips on the hollow of skin under Jesse’s ear and sucked gently, but it was more than enough to finish turning Jesse on. Brian, hovering over Jesse as he drew curlicues and other fun designs across his chest, was in the perfect location to notice as Jesse’s erection filled out. Jesse couldn’t stop from grinding against Brian’s thigh, conveniently positioned over him. Brian seemed to like that, because he groaned in response, the sound vibrating against Jesse’s skin, and moments later, Jesse noticed Brian was in the same predicament as he himself.
“Brian,” Jesse whispered, tugging at his arm until Brian raised his head to meet Jesse’s urgent lips. Jesse pressed his hips upward with a hitch in his breath. Brian responded by pushing his own hips back down. It felt too good, Jesse thought. It felt too good, and he couldn’t stand it.
There were too many clothes in the way, he decided as he tugged and pulled at Brian’s offensive t-shirt. Brian obligingly reached up behind his head and pulled it off in one swift motion, letting Jesse decide that the same action was necessary for his own shirt. Committing sacrilege, Jesse tossed the Smiths garment carelessly onto Brian’s floor, but as soon as Brian’s hands were back on his skin, their torsos pressed together, Jesse knew that Morrissey wouldn’t mind as much as he would have at not having that delightful heat and the sticky pre-sweat perspiration forcing roughness into their touches. Jesse gasped out loud when Brian’s fingers closed over his already hard nipple. Jesus, that felt good, he thought as he thrust upward. That felt so good.
Jesse threw his head back on the pillow, baring his throat to Brian’s ministrations. His friend kissed his clavicle, and then with his slippery tongue, he drew sinusoidal patterns down Jesse’s chest. Jesse’s following groan was long and drawn out. He had to take a second breath to complete it, and then he only did so because Brian’s lips closed over his other nipple, and his delightful pink tongue darted out to encircle it, brush over it, before he sucked lightly and brought Jesse’s hips up off the bed with such force that the teen thought he would knock Brian off him altogether.
But Brian was very adamantly not going anywhere. Jesse must have pressed his thigh into Brian’s groin, he assumed, because his lips broke their seal against Jesse’s chest and he cried out in a half-moan-half-sigh and exhaled heavily against the trail of saliva he’d patterned down Jesse’s skin. Jesse watched with rapt interest at the wide-mouthed, shut-eyed expression of ecstasy painting Brian’s features, and it only took a second for him to realize that he loved it, so much, in fact, that he was willing to do almost anything to see it again.
Jesse arched his neck upward, straining for Brian’s lips, and coaxed the other boy’s tongue into his mouth. His wandering hands slid hesitantly along Brian’s skin from his back to his chest. As Brian’s kiss grew more frantic, Jesse’s curious fingertips scoured every indentation, every bump, even the mole on his left hip and the nearly invisible scar on his right triceps, until Brian was gasping for air, moaning with every new swipe of tongue on tongue. Jesse gripped the other boy’s sides and shifted his hips upwards, into Brian’s body. He felt the drummer’s crotch press down against his leg, hot and hard, and Brian had to break the kiss in order to moan and gulp for air.
“Jesse!” Brian whimpered, but Jesse wasn’t ready to hear it. He didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want better judgement to take over for either of them. He launched forward to renew their kiss and writhed his leg, pressing it up against Brian again. Brian cried out and the kiss was broken yet again, but Jesse’s concerns were assuaged when Brian thrust downward against him and gripped Jesse’s shoulder with one hand and his hair with the other. “Jesse, please!” he cried.
Jesse, however, had no control any longer. With Brian’s previous hip-movement, Jesse had crossed the point of no return. He felt that searing fever storm through him, igniting his bones and his flesh until Jesse was sure that he couldn’t breathe anything but Brian’s heat, and all he felt was the height of bliss at Brian’s caress, everywhere, on his arm, his tummy, his chest, his hips. Jesse’s stomach felt tight, and he couldn’t think of anything but letting that wave break, finally, crash over them and carry them away with its ebbing flood.
“Brian. God, Brian, please!” Jesse threw his head back and arched upward for more contact. The fabric of cotton between them rubbed irritatingly, denying them the smooth frictionless slide of skin and sweat.
“Jesse! Oh my God, Jesse!” Brian gasped into the guitarist’s neck.
Jesse couldn’t help his hands. They moved on their own with no command from him, pulled Brian’s shorts down enough to stroke the skin of Brian’s backside, and slipped to his front, scratching at hipbones and snaking between them, toward the subject of Jesse’s desire.
“Jesus, Jesse! Oh fuck!” Brian choked. Jesse’s head was tugged backward by the fingers laced through his short brown curls, the fingers of the hand that wasn’t currently trying to duplicate Jesse’s straining grasp as it sneaked between them, shoving past Jesse’s underpants, inching closer to its prize. Jesse’s neck was stretched before Brian, but somehow the other boy managed to maintain a modicum of rationality and bit Jesse’s shoulder, a location easily concealed, instead of his pale and normally plainly visible throat.
Jesse’s fingers were getting dangerously close. It was becoming difficult to convince himself not to cross that boundary; something told him that the moment he did, there would be no going back, and as ecstatic as Jesse was, he wasn’t sure he was ready to venture into the place of no return. That didn’t mean that he didn’t really, really want to touch more than just the course curls he felt beneath his fingers and the heated flesh of Brian’s abdomen that trapped his hand between Brian and Brian’s shorts.
Brian’s fingers tentatively explored, too. Jesse felt them brush his hip, then the crease between his thigh and groin. He imagined how remarkable it would feel for them to close over him, to stroke him, pull him to release. Oh fuck! “Brian! Oh my God, Brian! I’m going to- I’m gonna-”
“Jesse,” Brian sighed after pulling his teeth from Jesse’s shoulder. “I’m close, Jess,” Brian whispered into Jesse’s lips.
“Uh!” Jesse yelled, his stomach contracting to drive his hips up, because that was all it took: knowing that he could do that to Brian. Jesse breathed heavily as the burst of pleasure cascaded over him. “Oh, Brian!” he breathed emphatically.
A second later, as Jesse’s last writhing motions subsided, Brian growled and moaned loudly. Jesse felt the wetness seep through Brian’s shorts to his skin. As he lay back, blinking, bleary-eyed, Brian’s climax receded, too, leaving him limp and prone on top of Jesse’s relaxed form.
Brian’s head dropped to the crook of Jesse’s neck. He panted against his friend’s skin. Jesse smiled lazily and reached up to tuck Brian’s too-long, extra-shaggy hair behind his ear, only to have it fall into his face again. Brian smiled and exerted just enough effort to push his head forward and place a kiss to Jesse’s jaw. There they lay, panting, and eventually just breathing, and holding each other.
Jesse heard a watch beep to tell them it was midnight. Brian must have heard it, too, because he lifted up with shaky arms and rolled over onto his back. A few seconds later, he sat up and reached for the box of tissues next to his bed. He passed a few to Jesse and politely turned his back to allow Jesse his own privacy while they both cleaned themselves up.
Brian stood to approach the trashcan, picking it up and holding it out to Jesse who threw his tissue wads away. Brian opened the top drawer of his dresser and obtained two fresh pairs of boxer shorts, handing one to Jesse, and kept his back turned while they both changed.
Brian crawled back into the bed, pulling the covers up around he and Jesse. Jesse held out his arm so that Brian could obligingly nestle himself into Jesse’s embrace. With a kiss, they said goodnight.
***
With what could be described as nothing but cold, hard terror, Jesse strode down the too brightly lit, periwinkle-blue-painted hallway toward his complementary steel blue coloured locker, his polished shoes scuffing the generic high school floor as he counted, with downcast eyes, each time he stepped on one of the thin grey lines separating one identical tile from the next. His mother’s back should have been broken in sixteen pieces by the time he’d made it from Brian’s car to his first period class.
The bell was about to ring, and Jesse knew it, but he hesitated outside the door, staring through to the seated students within, only able to see the first row. A girl pushed past him, followed by three of her jock boyfriends, casting Jesse a glare because how dare he get in their way when they meant to be someplace. Jesse shuffled from one foot to the next, delaying the moment when he would have to walk through that door and meet one of two things: either John’s disgusted scowl from across the room, or his friend’s embarrassed, angry, dismissive downcast eyes. Either would accompany the silent treatment, although the first might see him enduring a sneer or crude remark, not that Jesse could really imagine John being rude to him, or anyone for that matter. John wasn’t the type to display his revulsion outright. Jesse was convinced, however, that although nothing in all his years of knowing John suggested that he’d ever treat Jesse as such, there was a first time for anything, and all it took to revolutionize a person’s character was the appropriate circumstance; Jesse was afraid that the circumstance which would cause John to act like an asshole was the one he’d encountered last night.
The bell shrilled and Jesse inhaled, stepping forward toward the door. He forced his eyes up from the ground, determined to act normal if only to maintain the impression that nothing was up for every other set of prying eyes in the class. For that reason, Jesse noticed without actually entering the room, that the corner seat near the window, usually occupied by his best friend, was empty. Jesse frowned, stopped in the doorway, and seconds later, was hauled bodily backwards back into the hall.
Jesse fell back against the lockers next to the door with a clang, his backpack taking the brunt of it, although he huffed “oof” on impact, anyway.
“Shaun!” Jesse started angrily, but before he could say another word, Shaun’s hand was over his mouth.
“Shut up. Don’t talk. Just listen to me, okay?”
Jesse pushed forward, reaching up to grab the hand clamped over his mouth, but Shaun shoved him back again and pulled Jesse’s hand away.
“Lacey, I’ve always wondered which of us would win in a fight, okay. I don’t really want to test it right now, but I will if you’re going to be a pussy about this. Just listen to me?” he said it like a question, although his voice was still demanding, a pre-emptive refusal of objection. Shaun’s face flushed red with anger, but not being one to maintain annoyance for very long, his face softened again quickly.
“Taay yoo han awf my mowf!” Jesse ordered. Thankfully, Shaun seemed to speak Muffled-Jesse-Talk because he did take his hand off Jesse’s mouth as requested. Jesse’s lips were set in a line firm with anger. “So fucking talk,” he ordered.
Shaun rolled his eyes and sighed, pulling Jesse away. He led him to the boys’ room down the hall. Jesse stood as far from Shaun as he could, arms crossed over his chest. He wanted to just be mad, but his fear was taking over. He knew that Shaun wouldn’t have abducted him in such a manner unless he knew what Jesse feared he knew.
“First, I just want to say you’re the stupidest fucking idiot I have ever met, do you know that?”
“Hey, fuck you!” Jesse retorted, pointing at his friend angrily. “You don’t-”
“Shut up, Jesse! Let me have ten minutes to say what I’m going to say, and then you can fucking scream at me all you want!” Jesse clenched his teeth until he heard them creaking. Shaun seemed satisfied that he had his friend’s attention, so he continued.
“You’re the stupidest person I’ve ever met if you think that this wasn’t exactly what John was afraid of when he said Brian was going to take you away from him.”
“How could John have known-?”
“Not specifically… John knew that Brian was going to become more important to you than he was. He knew that Brian would lure you away from him, intentionally or not. I have to admit I saw it happening, too. You went from just spending a lot of time with him to talking about him all the time to… this. He just replaced everything else in your life until we were barely hanging onto threads of you that were still in tact because of misplaced obligations and some skewed sense of responsibility and guilt. Guilt is for Catholicism, Jesse, not friendship. You shouldn’t feel like it’s a chore to be around us, or to be away from him.”
Jesse shook his head, “I never felt like-”
“But told-you-sos and guilt trips aside, you’re still the stupidest kid I’ve ever met.”
“Fuck you, too!” Jesse tossed back, anger resurfacing violently with the tension in his squared shoulders.
“If you can’t see what you meant to John, then you are.” Shaun shook his head. He sounded dejected as he spoke, like he was exhausted just trying to explain to Jesse, like he thought Jesse should be bright enough to understand without this explanation. “Jesus, Jess. Yesterday was like a big fucking billboard to him that said, ‘you mean nothing to Jesse.’”
“Oh my god, that’s ridiculous!” Jesse cried. He was completely taken back at how unorthodox Shaun’s comment was. “How could my relationship with Brian have any bearing on what John means to me?”
Shaun laughed. “You are the thickest kid I’ve ever met, Jesse.”
Jesse shook his head. “What the fuck?” he yelled. “John catches me-” he lowered his voice, “John catches me and Brian… kissing… and, and he feels like I hate him? That doesn’t compute, Shaun. When my best friend actually hauls ass and runs away from me… fuck… he’s disgusted! He hates me. He thinks I am an amoral, perverted, disgusting freak of nature, a sinful, grotesque, abomination of God, and I should be shot! Not, ‘Shit, Jesse’s kissing a boy! I think he must hate me!’”
“Not that you hate him. He knows you don’t Jesse. Just that he doesn’t mean anything to you.”
Jesse gaped. Did Shaun actually think that this conversation was making sense? “Of course he means something to me! He’s been my best friend since we were both-”
“You just don’t understand! You’re really special, Jesse, in the small bus kind of way-” Shaun laughed, but not because it was funny, because he was fed up.
“If this is so easy for you to grasp, then why don’t you explain it to me in terms I can figure out instead of insulting me! Do you know what I did all night?”
“Besides hump your boyfriend?”
Jesse growled and turned from Shaun, striding to the door. “Fuck you. I won’t stand here and be insulted!”
Shaun grabbed his arm. “Jesse, will you just think about what I’m saying for ten seconds without getting mad?”
Jesse shook him off. “You know what? No! How about you just tell me where John is so I can go fucking talk to him myself!”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Jesse spun on his friend, his eyes as threatening as his stance, fists clenched at his sides. “Where is he?” he demanded, his hoarse voice leaving no room for Shaun’s protestations.
“He didn’t come to school-”
“I figured that much-”
“He’s at home!” Shaun yelled. “Or maybe on a ledge somewhere! Fuck, I don’t know! Last night he spent all goddamn night with me, so fucking distraught that he didn’t sleep! He begged me, begged me, to sleep at my place because he was scared if he stayed home you’d show up and try to talk to him!”
Jesse’s expression was one of incredulity. “Jesus!”
“I think you should give him a day or so before you go over there.”
Jesse shook his head. “Not if it’s going to make John leap off a building somewhere, Shaun!”
“Well… look, I didn’t mean that.”
“Didn’t you?”
Shaun considered carefully before shrugging. “Well… probably not.”
Jesse raised an eyebrow. “I’m going over there now.” He started for the door.
“Jesse, you’re just going to hurt him-”
He stopped in his tracks. “If you would fucking tell me what this is all about, maybe I wouldn’t.”
Shaun yelled wordlessly. “Fuck, Jesse!” he screamed.
“Fuck you, Shaun!” he spat in the other boy’s face.
“You’re an insensitive, oblivious, stupid kid with stars in his eyes! John doesn’t want to see you go over there and get all defensive because you’re in love with Brian, or hear some sentimental, self-righteous bullshit about how you didn’t tell him or me or anyone because you knew we would fucking beat you down for being a fag or something! He doesn’t want excuses! He doesn’t want to answer questions that your thick fucking skull can’t see for itself!”
“Then what the fuck does he want, Shaun? Don’t tell me not to go and try to salvage what’s left of this friendship because I am going to!”
“And with best interests in mind you’re going to push him as far away as you can!” Shaun retorted. “How are you so fucking blind, Jesse? You might as well just fucking stay with Brian. Just go crawl back into bed with him for all the good it’s going to do you to go see John right now!”
Jesse didn’t register until Shaun was tumbling backward into the sinks and against the mirror that his arm was pulling back to strike him. Jesse wasn’t an incredibly violent person, but Shaun had definitely done a good job of putting his back up. Shaun touched his upper lip and the blood that was flowing down from his nose. He stared at Jesse in dizzy surprise until Jesse spun on his heel and turned to stride out of the bathroom on the way to his locker, and then for John’s house.