Imagine falling into a bottomless pit. No bottom. No sides. Just falling.

That is a decent metaphore for my grief. You dread every minute. You cant see the end. You get used to falling, the lack of control, the fear, the dread, the helplessness, the hopelessness. You have no choice so you just keep falling.

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I realize that many of my entries lately have been focused on "Today I did this" or "Today I felt that" kind of things. But have I answered the question of how I am feeling? I don't think so.

I miss Delaney more than ever!!!

I look at her pictures and I am instantly sad and angry.

I still do not sense a future. I still do not feel hope.

I still ( Read more... )

Why do you read this?

I have only seen a few people that have made me their friend or who have posted to me. I appreciate every one of them. Is there anyone else who reads this? If so please take a moment and let me know if you do and why. I am just curious.

Why do I write this blog ( Read more... )

This morning the phone rang and 4:45 am with my wife on the line. She was checking on me. She said I sounded panicked. I guess that is because I had fallen back to sleep and was actually sleeping soundly unlike previous mornings. I was happy to hear from her. Then I got to speak to my son. He was in a great mood. It was so cool to hear him happy. ( Read more... )

The phone rang at 4:45 am this morning. It was my bright spot for the day. It was my son on his way to school. I know its early to be taking calls but I really feel strongly that I need to hear his voice. I also feel that I need to be there for him. He seems to enjoy the calls as much as I do. As I have said before I define myself as a Dad first. ( Read more... )

At 4:38 am my phone rang and I got to speak to my son on his way to school. He sounded happy and it was a relief. He is my inspiration and as he puts it "fills my heart up". I live for my wife and my son. Today I strive to honor them in everything I do ( Read more... )

Another night that I didn't sleep too well. Don't get me wrong the bed is awsome, the room is comfortable, the house is amazing. My mind is just spinning. I did some e-mail and did a little work. I finally got out of bed and headed upstairs after a little while of listening to little feat running up and down the hall ( Read more... )

Woke up today at around 5:30 am. Couldn't get to sleep because I when I tried I had visions from the hospital in my head. So I decided to get up and organize my clothing and unpack. I read a little in bed too. I heard the kids get up around 8:00ish and started running around. I didn't want to interfere with the normal family morning rigtual so I ( Read more... )

Being a travel day. I didn't sleep well last night. I was up until about 1:30 packing. It usually only takes me about 30 minutes to pack. This time should have been shorter since it a smaller trip and I am staying with friends so I don't need to take as much stuff. But I did have to do laundry and found ways to stall and streach it out ( Read more... )