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here we go again.
I don't know how I always manage to fall this way. It's never subtle, or over a long period of time. and sometimes It happens and its fleeting and in the end I feel stupid, because what I thought was love is really some kind of hate that I don't understand. Not this time. for the first time since the J word, I feel it. the yearning, the agony, the ( Read more... ) -
im so tired.
I'm losing my mind. I'm so happy one minute and the next...its shit. Ben is gone, and i try to pretend that's not the reason i'm so sad. I dont miss him, just having someone no matter what. even when i was unhappy with him i felt better than i feel now. Thihen there's the rebound boy, who i unfortunately really like a lot. he doesn't make any ( Read more... ) -
Writer's Block: Live Music
im standing in a croud of people. there's probably only about 50 of us, but it feels like 1,000. there's cigarette smoke in the air, second hand smoke that has been outlawed by the fascists who believe this is actually harmful. there is no stage. there is no bright colored lights. and then she plays...
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Writer's Block: Lame jobs
I've had the horrible of the horrible jobs. my resume includes....
janitor at a coal mine
meat packer at a slaughter house
wendy's sandwich bitch
and.....cherry sorter at a fruit packing shed.
further proving..
that you HAVE to have money....why else would i do thse horrible horrible jobs? -
Writer's Block: My favorite memory
the day Ben picked me up and brought me home. I love him so much, and hes the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm sure i have other good memories...but when i think of that one non seem to compare. -
dirty dishes.
theres no way i could live like this. I get pissed off more and more with every little fuckin thing that happens. Every fucking dish in this house was dirty. for days. ben and i have been out and about all weekend, without time to even notice the monstrosity of dishes piling in the sink. Ben doesnt do dishes. I dont fuckin care if he does dishes or ( Read more... ) -
do you ever feel like....
you'll never be welcome? Or that no one will ever hear or appreciate a fuckin thing about you? all i want is to be equally important to someone, as they are to themselves. somewhere along the lines last night, as i sat ignored in the corner, not ignored, but unaknowleged in any unsuperficial way, I crossed the line. what line? I dont know. not ( Read more... ) -
(Untitled)
livejournal. com actually hosts the worlds largest pro-anorexia site. if that isnt sick and fucking wrong, i dont know what is....these girls are sick. -
i am psychotic.
is it stupid to sometimes worry, when he's gone longer than he says he will be, or longer than he should be at all, that he's out doing things he shouldnt? is it stupid to worry that he has me up here for whatever reason...and everything he says is bullshit? i dont really believe that. but sometimes. Im so scared, that i try to. what the fuck could ( Read more... ) -
Writer's Block: I'm Ashamed of...
I am ashamed of the fact that at one point in my life, I had no respect for myself, at all. I'm ashamed of a lot of the things that I've done, and a lot of things I didnt do. in the 175 weeks and beyond that i didnt post on livejournal, i was undoubtedly in a random house on a random street in a random town, with random people, smoking, snorting ( Read more... )