Fic: Blank Mind 1/3
Title: Blank Mind 1/3
Universe: XI
Rating: PG-13 (NC-17 overall)
Relationship status: established relationship-ish
Word count: 5174 this part (16,600 overall)
Genre: angst
Trope: amnesia
Warning: Language, adult themes, trauma.
A/N: Isn’t it a rite of passage in fandom to do an amnesia fic? It was supposed to be a 4k one shot and then I just kept writing. This is not a WIP as it’s finished, but I’ve broken it up into three parts which will be posted over the next few days. Please let me know if you enjoy it because comments are awesome sauce. :)
Summary: Jim wakes up believing it to be the day he walked onto the bridge as captain, about to leave Earth’s space dock (the end of XI). It’s actually two years since that day and he’s bonded and married to Spock.
Blank Mind
Part One
Jim blinks furiously, his sore eyes adjusting to the lights of sick bay as he looks around. He vaguely hears McCoy running over and shoving what feels like 50 hyposprays into his neck whilst asking him questions about his name and his date of birth and where he is. Jim mumbles through the questions, his voice rough, and gets them all right until the last one. He gives the current stardate. McCoy stares at him, eyes full of worry and confusion as he informs Jim that it’s actually two years since that day.
Jim doesn’t understand. He sits up, staring around medical bay in confusion before confirming with McCoy that he is, in fact, the captain. McCoy nods as his eyes flit to a figure in the chair next to him, and Jim turns, finally noticing his first officer staring back at him, his eyes darkly rimmed like he hasn’t slept in weeks.
‘How long have I been out?’ Jim asks, swallowing a few times to help his sore throat.
‘Five days,’ McCoy says sadly, looking at the read outs on the monitors, looking for anything to explain what has happened.
He doesn’t know what to do. All he remembers is walking onto the bridge and leaving Earth’s space dock, ready to start his captaincy. According to McCoy, he’s officially been captain for two years. Jim feels his heart start thumping loudly, panic rising in his chest and then Spock places a hand on his. The gesture doesn’t make any sense so he pulls away, frowning ever so slightly.
Jim is given a PADD when he asks for one and immediately looks up the away mission that went wrong, searching for something, anything, that could lead to getting his memory back. He frowns, noticing that there was no species found on the planet and it was bad terrain and climate which had knocked Jim off his feet and bashed his body against a stone wall. They’d found him hours later and McCoy had found no evidence of foul play by any life forms on planet which is why the Enterprise had left the planet’s orbit as soon as Jim was safely back on board.
Various crew members come in and out of medical bay with sad smiles on their faces, like it’s a bittersweet thing that he’s awake but without his memory. What confuses him even more is that Spock stays by his bed, doing work silently and answering any questions Jim has quickly, and not only that, but that Spock is also the recipient of sympathetic looks. It makes no sense considering Spock wasn’t even part of the away team and he’s in excellent health.
And that’s how he finds out, by bringing up Spock’s personal records on his PADD. It feels like his heart stops beating as he reads the screen. Marital Status - Bonded to James Tiberius Kirk 2259.
Jim reads it over and over again, trying to wrap his mind around what he’s reading, until he panics and calls McCoy over to his bed. He hopes it’s a funny prank the crew are playing so he pulls up his details which match Spock’s. He’s pleased Spock has gone to the bridge to check on things so he doesn’t have to be privy to his meltdown.
‘Bones,’ Jim says, his eyes flying around sickbay as his heart thumps. ‘I’m with Spock?’
McCoy stands there, his eyes apologetic. ‘For over a year now.’
Jim sits up. His previous memories of Spock consist of him kicking his ass all the way to Delta Vega and strangling him on the bridge before saving Earth together. He remembers Spock walking onto the bridge, eyes intent and purposeful as he asked permission to come aboard and of course, it had been granted. Then he doesn’t remember anything.
‘He hates me,’ Jim says, his voice strangely emotionless given the situation.
‘Not anymore,’ McCoy says gently.
It becomes too much so he asks McCoy to leave so he can sleep. Not that he believes he’ll get any.
……….
He’s allowed to wander around the next day and is pleased to notice on the roster that Spock is on duty so when he gets to his quarters… their quarters, Jim corrects, he’s free to do his own nosy around.
They’re not the same as he remembers at all. Larger it seems, like two sets of quarters have been combined.
Jim looks at the holos and it’s like looking at pictures of when he was a baby, seeing himself but not being able to relate any feelings or emotions to that particular time. There’s only a few pictures scattered around the place but each of them show Spock looking stern and severe whilst Jim clings to his arm with a grin. Jim snorts loudly at Spock looking like he was held at gun point for most of them.
He looks at the computer console with interest and brings up the latest searches, hoping he’s not invading Spock’s privacy too much considering it’s their quarters. It’s not surprising to see a lot of research and articles relating to amnesia and ways to help the sufferer. He feels his stomach drop as he continues going through, seeing how much time Spock has spent searching and looking for anything that’s possibly related, from the planets atmosphere to transporter malfunctions.
He can’t help but feel pity for the poor Vulcan. His Vulcan.
He returns to the medical bay and crawls under the covers as McCoy checks him over.
………….
The next morning he is cleared by McCoy as completely healthy apart from the obvious amnesia. He walks on to the bridge for his first shift after waking up three days ago and asks Uhura for a list of crew names immediately, hoping he can try and jog his memory somehow. Uhura glances at him, worry etched in her dark eyes, which surprises Jim more than anything else considering the last time he’d seen her he’d always been on the receiving end of a cold and stern look.
He doesn’t look at Spock, but he knows he’s being watched because he can almost feel the look on him, all dark and intense and worried.
‘Captain, transmission from Admiral Pike regarding the latest mission,’ Uhura says, swivelling her chair to look at him.
‘Thanks, I’ll take it in the office,’ Jim says, not wanting the whole bridge to be privy to whatever was about to happen.
He enters the office and is about to click the transmission through when he notices Spock following him in like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Jim flinches as he turns and stares at Spock expectantly.
‘Did you need something, commander?’ Jim asks, his voice as professional as possible. Spock’s eyes blink rapidly, like he has just been deeply offended and hurt by the tone of voice. Spock turns, fleeing the room like he’d only followed Jim out of support. Jim immediately feels bad and slightly guilty as he sighs.
Jim taps the transmission through and Pike’s face appears, his kind eyes and smile making Jim relax.
‘Jim, I just got given the report from the latest mission with a full medical report.’
Jim swallows, wondering if Pike is about to take the Enterprise off him when he feels he only just got it. ‘Sir?’
‘Amnesia. They don’t seem to have any idea why or how. You’d think damn medical professionals in this day and age would know why you can’t remember the last two years.’
‘Bones is trying, sir.’
‘Relax, kid. I’m not going to yell at you. Although I should considering there were express orders only to go planet side if there was no other choice.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Jim says, the phrase insincere considering he isn’t used to apologising for something he has no knowledge of.
‘How’s Spock?’ Pike asks, leaning forward.
Jim almost flinches. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t really spoken to him to be honest.’
This seems to surprise Pike who sits back, his eyebrows rising. ‘Really?’
‘I don’t really know what to say to him. I mean, one minute we barely know each other and the next I’m married to him. How am I supposed to adapt to that? It’s all so weird. You know, Uhura is nice to me now, even though I apparently stole her boyfriend from her. I don’t know what to do, I feel so out of my depth.’
Pike nods understandingly. ‘Jim, you need to know that in the past two years you’ve really earned the respect of your crew, believe me. You’ve become the admiralties golden boy in a way. And in relation to Spock, well, he’s your husband and hell, I have the wedding pictures to prove it if you ever want to see them-’
‘I’m good, thanks.’
‘I practically gave you away,’ Pike says, sounding slightly proud. ‘I almost had a heart attack when you told me you were sleeping with your first. You wouldn’t believe the paperwork when you have a starship captain and his first officer involved.’
Jim smiles, feeling Pike’s attitude ease his discomfort over the situation. ‘I can imagine.’
‘Look, while they work to get your memory back, be kind to him, OK? He’s dealing with the fact you want nothing to do with him.’
‘And what if they can’t fix me? What if I’m like this?’
‘You wanted him once, you’ll want him again.’
Jim’s face transforms into disgust, the idea of doing anything but sparring with the Vulcan making him feel uncomfortable.
‘Jim, be nice to him,’ Pike says, his voice almost an order.
‘Yes, sir.’
………………
Jim spends the rest of his shift catching up on every bit of information he can get his hands on, on the missions he’s done in the last two years, how many crew he’s lost, how many he’s saved. He finds it like reading a fictional book about a character with his own name. He finds some of the stories amusing, like the time he became a telepathic llama on a desert planet, and then there’s some other stories which horrify him to his core.
After shift he goes to see McCoy who looks relieved to see him as they sit down to eat together. He gets the feeling eating with McCoy in his office is not a common occurrence when Chapel walks in and gives them a slightly confused look.
He retires to his room afterward, momentarily forgetting it’s not purely his room anymore as he strolls in, hands in his pockets. He stops short, seeing Spock sitting on a meditation mat in the corner, his posture relaxed and his eyes shut.
Jim turns around on the spot several times, not knowing whether to leave or stay. He should stay for Spock, he knows he should, but the idea of sleeping with a man he barely knows, a man who has a propensity for stranding him on ice planets makes him want to go and ask McCoy if he can bunk with him.
‘Jim,’ Spock murmurs, his eyes fluttering open as he gracefully stands.
‘Hey,’ Jim says awkwardly, staring around at the floor for something to look at. ‘Is it OK if I go and have a shower?’
‘Of course,’ Spock nods, his eyes dark and intense as they watch him. Jim feels the need to run away and flee, but more oddly, the need to go over and be close to Spock. He doesn’t understand why but it’s like there’s some feeling deep within him pulling him toward Spock.
He pushes the feeling down and smiles uncomfortably as he heads toward the bathroom without a look back.
He takes his time in the shower, ignoring how weird it is to see two sets of towels in his bathroom and two sets of toiletries littering the sink area. He walks back out in his boxers and looks around awkwardly.
‘Hey, where’s my pyjamas?’
Spock, who is sitting by the computer console, turns to face him. ‘You do not wear pyjamas.’
‘Oh,’ Jim mutters, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. He knows what that means but he refuses to sleep naked next to Spock so he roots around in his drawers and pulls out a white t-shirt and tugs it on.
‘You are well?’ Spock asks, his voice barely hiding the worry there.
‘Yeah. Bones says I’m completely healthy other than the amnesia.’
‘I am pleased,’ Spock replies.
Jim gives him a lazy smile that doesn’t reach his eyes before looking at the bed. ‘What side do I, err, sleep on?’
Spock points to the right and Jim nods gratefully as he crawls in under the soft covers which smell unmistakably of Spock and his own cologne. Jim looks over to see Spock watching him like a hawk, clearly unsure if he’s welcome in his own bed.
‘We’re adults, we can sleep in a bed together,’ Jim says, realizing how stupid it sounds considering they’ve been bonded for a year and Spock sleeps with him every single night.
Spock nods as he stands and removes his dressing gown to reveal green boxers which he is obviously wearing for Jim’s benefit. Jim turns and faces the wall as he feels Spock shift and move next to him, clearly trying to get comfortable.
He hears Spock murmur the order for the lights off and Jim finds the silence too loud and far too loaded as he tries to wrap his mind around what’s happened and that he’s lying next to Spock. His husband. His bondmate.
………
He wakes up slowly and feels a body holding him firmly from behind and for a split second it seems natural, almost instinctive, to move back into that warm heat. That is until he wakes fully and everything floods back. His face flushes awkwardly as he feels Spock’s erection hot and hard against his ass and he tries to move away, not wanting to wake the clingy Vulcan.
‘Jim,’ he hears by his ear, soft and thick like Spock is still half asleep.
Spock’s hand runs down his chest and into his boxers and Jim jerks away, throwing the covers off so he can stand up. Spock blinks awake fully as he takes in Jim, and sadness flicks across those dark eyes for a second. Jim stares back at him, unsure what to do in this particular scenario.
‘I apologise,’ Spock says, his voice still slightly rough from sleep.
Jim shakes his head and waves it off. ‘Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.’
Spock nods but remains under the covers. Jim takes a moment to look at his first officer, his hair completely rumpled and his eyes still ever so slightly bleary. It’s a sight that seems altogether too intimate and personal and like something he shouldn’t be privy to. He turns away and stalks over to the bathroom, aware that Spock is following him with his eyes from his place in their bed.
………..
Pike gives them a mission. Well, it isn’t a mission, it’s an interplanetary conference which is focused on mining colonies that he’s been told to go to and make friends at. Pike seemed to be easing him into the captaincy in the same way he had 2 years ago; by giving him a non-mission.
When he explains their orders everyone actually seems relieved, like they wanted to do something that didn’t end in someone being turned into an animal or losing their memory for once.
Jim walks into their quarters to get into his dress uniform to find Spock already there, dressed and ready to go, his hair completely immaculate. Jim can’t help the tingle he feels in the pit of his stomach at seeing Spock look so professional and handsome.
‘Hey,’ Jim says with a smile, walking over to his drawers and finding his gold dress uniform. He looks toward the bathroom, wondering if he should get undressed in private before getting himself together and realizing that Spock has seen him naked a lot. More than a lot considering they’ve been together for over a year.
Jim swallows nervously as he takes off his pants and top, followed by his boxer shorts. He looks over to find Spock staring at the computer console, his eyes flitting across to Jim for a split second before returning to the console. Jim quickly pulls on clean underwear which is closely followed by the dress uniform.
‘This should be fun,’ Jim says brightly as he buttons up his top and adjusts it, making sure the gold line is straight down the middle.
‘Yes, this is one of the largest conferences in this particular sector so there will be a wide variety of alien life forms to interact with and study. No doubt you will indirectly offend most,’ Spock says, his voice light in tone as his lips quirk at the edges.
‘I’ll try not to,’ Jim says, checking his hair in the mirror before pulling on his shoes.
Spock walks over to him, eyes guarded. ‘Shall we?’ he asks, offering his arm without thinking.
Jim stands up straight and looks at the offered arm awkwardly. Spock immediately drops it and nods understandingly, though Jim can tell he’s upset because it’s like he can almost feel it himself.
He encounters many of his other crew on the way to the transporter room, all dressed formally and buzzing with excitement.
Jim turns to Spock. ‘Why is everyone so happy to be going to some intergalactic conference on mining?’
‘They are merely looking forward to interacting with others who are not part of the crew.’
‘Oh, remind me to go on shove leave soon then,’ Jim says as a crew member runs past and nods in acknowledgment of Jim with a big grin.
‘I shall,’ says Spock as they walk into the transporter room to see McCoy in his usual uniform.
‘You not coming?’ Jim asks, his eyes pleading and desperate as he walks across to McCoy.
‘You know I hate transporters, Jim,’ McCoy says with a loose smile.
‘Bones, please come,’ Jim pleads, his hands fixing on McCoy’s upper arms. He doesn’t like this clingy feeling as he’s normally one of the most independent people in the world but having two years gone, McCoy feels like his only anchor. He needs his anchor. Jim gives him his best wide-eyed puppy dog eyes and can see McCoy’s defences crumbling down with satisfaction.
‘I’ll meet you down there,’ McCoy finally says with a long sigh.
‘Thank you,’ says Jim with relief as he embraces him fondly. Jim pulls back to see Spock standing close to them, his look dark as he places a hot hand on the bottom of Jim’s back.
‘We must depart, Jim,’ Spock says. Jim nods, not used to hearing Spock say his name with such ease and recognition. He shoots a smile at McCoy softly as he steps up onto the transporter pad with Spock close next to him, and dematerialises.
He smiles in excitement as he materialises into an open space dedicated for arrivals. He looks around and sees so many different species that he would be hard pressed to name half.
‘Are we the only humans at this conference?’ asks Jim, looking around.
‘You, so far, are the only human.’
‘You know what I mean,’ Jim says exasperatedly.
‘I believe Starfleet has only sent the Enterprise so all humans will be your crew,’ Spock says, his voice guarded as he clasps his hands behind his back. Jim nods as a small blue alien with tentacles wobbles up to them and hands them a card with all the details of talks and a map on it.
‘Thanks,’ Jim says as the alien bows before wobbling over to other arrivals. ‘I hope most of them speak standard.’
‘Most of them should,’ Spock says as he rests a hand on Jim’s back, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Jim knew that Vulcans were rarely ever tactile so being around this Spock, who has no problem putting his hands on him at any time, unnerves him.
‘Welcome,’ an Orion says with a smile as she strolls up to them, her eyes flicking to Spock’s arm around Jim. ‘I’m pleased Starfleet sent you Captain Kirk. Most of us here only hear stories about you and your ship so it’s an honour.’
‘Thank you,’ Jim said, unsure what he’d done to deserve such a reputation.
‘And this must be your husband,’ she says with a large grin as she throws up a Vulcan salute. ‘Welcome. I don’t think we have any other Vulcans with us but I’m meeting and greeting so many people that I could be wrong. Anyway, have fun and please read your card on rules and regulations.’ The Orion gives them another blinding grin before turning and walking up to other arrivals.
Jim moves into a large open area which is like an aircraft hanger filled with groups of aliens all in discussion about various things. Some species give them a hostile look where as others wave happily, obviously pleased to see them. Jim has never felt so embarrassed and proud to be human in his life. As they carry on moving through, Jim becomes all too aware that Spock’s hand is still pressed possessively on his back.
‘There’s so many species here, how do they make sure they don’t all attack one another?’ Jim says, moving away from Spock, the Vulcan’s arm dropping to his side.
‘They are bound by strict rules and guidelines, and as this is one of the primary places for some species to work out deals for crops and products, it is in everyone’s interest to be on good behaviour.’
‘Ah, that makes sense,’ Jim says as a pretty Deltan walks past, and he smiles at her. ‘I like it here.’
‘Indeed,’ Spock says, stepping into Jim’s personal space. Jim instinctively takes a step back causing Spock to frown for half a second before schooling his face.
‘Captain,’ several crew members murmur as they walked past him on their way through.
‘How many of our crew are we beaming down?’ Jim asks as two female officers walk past in their Starfleet uniform.
‘Only 33 I believe. It was to be 32 but you persuaded the Doctor to also beam down,’ Spock says, not sounding overly fond of Jim’s decision. ‘Many of the crew beamed down have advanced xenolinguistic skills so they should be able to help foster allegiances between Starfleet and other races.’
‘OK, that sounds good. I might have a bit of a wander, try and not insult species accidentally, I’ll come find you in a bit,’ Jim says, eager to mingle and talk to people. He feels like a kid in a candy store having never been in a place with this many different alien races and so many potential partners. Jim grins at the thought.
‘I could accompany you if you wish,’ Spock says, his hand brushing against Jim’s.
‘Nah, I’m good. I’ll come and find you later,’ Jim says with a smile as he turns on the spot, wondering which direction to set off in. He swears Spock looks like he’s going to follow him for a second before he nods and looks down.
Jim walks around idly, making small talk with some Romulans and a few other races he can’t pronounce, before being approached by a pretty Betazoid who is not making any attempt to hide the way she’s looking at him.
‘Captain,’ she says with a small smile. ‘It is a real pleasure to meet you.’
‘Thank you,’ Jim says with a big smile. ‘I’m Jim Kirk.’
‘I know,’ she mutters as her eyes look down and then up. ‘I’m Kestra.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ Jim says as he indicates for them to sit down at a near by table. He smiles openly, aware that Betazoids are highly telepathic and so allows a string of sexually suggestive things to enter his mind.
‘I confess, I did not have any motive in making myself known to you. You just seem so interesting, I can hear how open you are,’ she says, leaning forward.
‘Why thank you,’ Jim says with a smug smile, giving the Betazoid another look up and down. He knows he really shouldn’t considering he’s married and he’s supposed to be here to make good connections for Starfleet, but it’s hard to care where Kestra smiles suggestively at him. ‘Can you tell what I’m thinking?’
‘Now, now Captain, that’s a poor line even for you from what I hear,’ she says, pushing her hair behind her ear.
Jim throws his head back and laughs. ‘Ok, don’t judge me on that. I’m normally way more smooth and charming. I’ve had a bit of set back lately so excuse the lame come on.’
‘It’s not a problem. Do you wish to go somewhere private?’
‘So forward, I think I’m in love,’ Jim says, standing up eagerly. Kestra doesn’t move, her eyes fixed on him curiously. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘You are bonded,’ she states.
‘Oh, just ignore that, I’m single,’ Jim says earnestly.
The Betazoid tilts her head with a small, patronizing smile. ‘You’re not, but it’s adorable you think you are.’
‘Seriously? Come on, what do I have to say to get you interested again?’ Jim asks with a smile he always pulls out for pretty girls.
‘Jim,’ Spock says suddenly, appearing at the table, his eyes dark as he glares at the Betazoid. She immediately jumps up.
‘It’s been nice meeting you,’ she says hurriedly, glancing at the Vulcan in slight fear before walking away.
‘Wait,’ Jim tries, moving forward before losing her in the crowd. He turns to Spock, feeling annoyed. ‘What is it?’
‘You are aware one of the regulations of away missions dictates your professionalism at all times. Also, this conference insists no species are allowed to proposition or court a being that is already mated. She was in breach of those rules.’
‘How are you supposed to know if someone’s taken? I mean, what if I go flirt with an Orion who’s taken?’
Spock raised an eyebrow. ‘I suggest you do not proposition anyone. I also suggest when approached again by a being who clearly desires you, you simply inform them you are mated to a Vulcan.’
‘What? So they’ll run away in fear like she did?’ Jim says with a snort of amusement. He wants to talk to other races, discuss their civilisation, offer Starfleet assistance if necessary and he knows if he constantly introduces himself as the captain of the Enterprise and a Vulcan’s husband, they’ll turn and avoid him. He doesn’t want that, but he’s almost positive that Spock does.
‘Goddammit,’ Jim turns to see McCoy walking through a group of purple aliens, one of whom turns and gives Jim a wave, like he knows him. ‘This place isn’t big enough for all these damn aliens.’
‘I’m pleased you’re here,’ Jim says sincerely, watching an exchange of looks between Spock and McCoy with interest.
‘Wish I could say the same,’ McCoy says, glancing around distastefully as a group of Klingons walk past.
‘Just walk round with me and stop me from saying stupid shit, OK?’ Jim says with a smile as he spots some more Deltans. ‘Let’s go over there.’ He misses the look of complete hurt that overtakes Spock’s face as he grabs McCoy’s hand and not his.
Jim and McCoy arrive at the group of Deltans at the same time as many other aliens, all male and looking entranced. Jim feels the pheremones have their desired effect on him as he feels his skin become hot and desire pulse through him, his heart picking up pace.
Jim introduces himself as he tries desperately not to make an idiot out of himself, but quickly feels a hard grip wrapping around his wrist and turns to look up at Spock. Spock’s eyes are focused primarily on the Deltans.
‘You are aware you are not allowed to gather in groups greater than three,’ says Spock to the Deltans. Jim wriggles his hand, trying to move Spock off but his grip is firm and possessive. They quickly disperse separately; causing most of the males close by to let out sighs.
‘Spock, I’m good,’ Jim says, indicating Spock’s firm grip. Spock looks at him, his gaze searching, and that’s when Jim remembers that Vulcan’s are touch telepaths. Jim can’t help the annoyance that floods him. ‘Stop reading my thoughts,’ Jim snaps.
Spock takes his hand away, looking like he couldn’t find what he was looking for anyway in Jim’s mind. ‘I apologise.’
‘S’fine,’ Jim mumbles, holding his wrist slightly.
‘I shall accompany you around the conference,’ Spock states, this time there’s no question and Jim gives in, knowing the Vulcan will follow him everywhere. He’s fairly sure Spock’s been following him the whole time at a distance anyway.
By the time the conference is over Jim feels exhausted and tired and dreams of his bed. He’s made a few allies, impressed quite a few people and with Spock by his side the whole time, never got laid or even flirted with.
He walks into his quarters with Spock close behind him and immediately begins undressing, no longer bothered that the Vulcan can see. He strips down to his boxers and collapses onto the bed with a tired sigh, pulling the covers up to his chest.
‘I think that went well,’ Jim says, arms behind his head.
Spock strips down too, his eyes barely wavering from Jim’s form for a second. ‘I believe you will have a positive report to give to Admiral Pike.’
‘Definitely,’ Jim says, his eyes glancing at the revealed skin of his first officer. He has no intention of doing anything, but he can see objectively why he would find him attractive with his strong physique and his smooth, light green skin. He can’t help but wonder what colour Spock’s penis is as he stares at the rather large bulge in his boxers.
Jim flicks his eyes up and notices that Spock has been watching him looking, and Jim looks away with an embarrassed flush on his cheeks.
‘I am yours to look at,’ Spock states as he walks to his side of the bed and gets in.
Jim knows Spock is trying to make him feel less embarrassed but it only helps a little as Spock lies on his side and faces him, a soft, loving look written across his expression.
Jim dozes for what feels like hours, his body still revved up from the conference and his mind still trying to process what has happened over the past few days. He’s on the edge of sleep when he feels a soft nose brush against the back of his neck and warm air brush his ear.
‘I miss you so much,’ Spock whispers, thinking he’s asleep.
Jim swallows uncomfortably as he feels an overwhelming feeling of loss flood him, making him want to cry. He doesn’t try and shift away when Spock’s spoons up against him from behind, his arms wrapping around him protectively.
End of Part One
Part Two
Universe: XI
Rating: PG-13 (NC-17 overall)
Relationship status: established relationship-ish
Word count: 5174 this part (16,600 overall)
Genre: angst
Trope: amnesia
Warning: Language, adult themes, trauma.
A/N: Isn’t it a rite of passage in fandom to do an amnesia fic? It was supposed to be a 4k one shot and then I just kept writing. This is not a WIP as it’s finished, but I’ve broken it up into three parts which will be posted over the next few days. Please let me know if you enjoy it because comments are awesome sauce. :)
Summary: Jim wakes up believing it to be the day he walked onto the bridge as captain, about to leave Earth’s space dock (the end of XI). It’s actually two years since that day and he’s bonded and married to Spock.
Blank Mind
Part One
Jim blinks furiously, his sore eyes adjusting to the lights of sick bay as he looks around. He vaguely hears McCoy running over and shoving what feels like 50 hyposprays into his neck whilst asking him questions about his name and his date of birth and where he is. Jim mumbles through the questions, his voice rough, and gets them all right until the last one. He gives the current stardate. McCoy stares at him, eyes full of worry and confusion as he informs Jim that it’s actually two years since that day.
Jim doesn’t understand. He sits up, staring around medical bay in confusion before confirming with McCoy that he is, in fact, the captain. McCoy nods as his eyes flit to a figure in the chair next to him, and Jim turns, finally noticing his first officer staring back at him, his eyes darkly rimmed like he hasn’t slept in weeks.
‘How long have I been out?’ Jim asks, swallowing a few times to help his sore throat.
‘Five days,’ McCoy says sadly, looking at the read outs on the monitors, looking for anything to explain what has happened.
He doesn’t know what to do. All he remembers is walking onto the bridge and leaving Earth’s space dock, ready to start his captaincy. According to McCoy, he’s officially been captain for two years. Jim feels his heart start thumping loudly, panic rising in his chest and then Spock places a hand on his. The gesture doesn’t make any sense so he pulls away, frowning ever so slightly.
Jim is given a PADD when he asks for one and immediately looks up the away mission that went wrong, searching for something, anything, that could lead to getting his memory back. He frowns, noticing that there was no species found on the planet and it was bad terrain and climate which had knocked Jim off his feet and bashed his body against a stone wall. They’d found him hours later and McCoy had found no evidence of foul play by any life forms on planet which is why the Enterprise had left the planet’s orbit as soon as Jim was safely back on board.
Various crew members come in and out of medical bay with sad smiles on their faces, like it’s a bittersweet thing that he’s awake but without his memory. What confuses him even more is that Spock stays by his bed, doing work silently and answering any questions Jim has quickly, and not only that, but that Spock is also the recipient of sympathetic looks. It makes no sense considering Spock wasn’t even part of the away team and he’s in excellent health.
And that’s how he finds out, by bringing up Spock’s personal records on his PADD. It feels like his heart stops beating as he reads the screen. Marital Status - Bonded to James Tiberius Kirk 2259.
Jim reads it over and over again, trying to wrap his mind around what he’s reading, until he panics and calls McCoy over to his bed. He hopes it’s a funny prank the crew are playing so he pulls up his details which match Spock’s. He’s pleased Spock has gone to the bridge to check on things so he doesn’t have to be privy to his meltdown.
‘Bones,’ Jim says, his eyes flying around sickbay as his heart thumps. ‘I’m with Spock?’
McCoy stands there, his eyes apologetic. ‘For over a year now.’
Jim sits up. His previous memories of Spock consist of him kicking his ass all the way to Delta Vega and strangling him on the bridge before saving Earth together. He remembers Spock walking onto the bridge, eyes intent and purposeful as he asked permission to come aboard and of course, it had been granted. Then he doesn’t remember anything.
‘He hates me,’ Jim says, his voice strangely emotionless given the situation.
‘Not anymore,’ McCoy says gently.
It becomes too much so he asks McCoy to leave so he can sleep. Not that he believes he’ll get any.
……….
He’s allowed to wander around the next day and is pleased to notice on the roster that Spock is on duty so when he gets to his quarters… their quarters, Jim corrects, he’s free to do his own nosy around.
They’re not the same as he remembers at all. Larger it seems, like two sets of quarters have been combined.
Jim looks at the holos and it’s like looking at pictures of when he was a baby, seeing himself but not being able to relate any feelings or emotions to that particular time. There’s only a few pictures scattered around the place but each of them show Spock looking stern and severe whilst Jim clings to his arm with a grin. Jim snorts loudly at Spock looking like he was held at gun point for most of them.
He looks at the computer console with interest and brings up the latest searches, hoping he’s not invading Spock’s privacy too much considering it’s their quarters. It’s not surprising to see a lot of research and articles relating to amnesia and ways to help the sufferer. He feels his stomach drop as he continues going through, seeing how much time Spock has spent searching and looking for anything that’s possibly related, from the planets atmosphere to transporter malfunctions.
He can’t help but feel pity for the poor Vulcan. His Vulcan.
He returns to the medical bay and crawls under the covers as McCoy checks him over.
………….
The next morning he is cleared by McCoy as completely healthy apart from the obvious amnesia. He walks on to the bridge for his first shift after waking up three days ago and asks Uhura for a list of crew names immediately, hoping he can try and jog his memory somehow. Uhura glances at him, worry etched in her dark eyes, which surprises Jim more than anything else considering the last time he’d seen her he’d always been on the receiving end of a cold and stern look.
He doesn’t look at Spock, but he knows he’s being watched because he can almost feel the look on him, all dark and intense and worried.
‘Captain, transmission from Admiral Pike regarding the latest mission,’ Uhura says, swivelling her chair to look at him.
‘Thanks, I’ll take it in the office,’ Jim says, not wanting the whole bridge to be privy to whatever was about to happen.
He enters the office and is about to click the transmission through when he notices Spock following him in like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Jim flinches as he turns and stares at Spock expectantly.
‘Did you need something, commander?’ Jim asks, his voice as professional as possible. Spock’s eyes blink rapidly, like he has just been deeply offended and hurt by the tone of voice. Spock turns, fleeing the room like he’d only followed Jim out of support. Jim immediately feels bad and slightly guilty as he sighs.
Jim taps the transmission through and Pike’s face appears, his kind eyes and smile making Jim relax.
‘Jim, I just got given the report from the latest mission with a full medical report.’
Jim swallows, wondering if Pike is about to take the Enterprise off him when he feels he only just got it. ‘Sir?’
‘Amnesia. They don’t seem to have any idea why or how. You’d think damn medical professionals in this day and age would know why you can’t remember the last two years.’
‘Bones is trying, sir.’
‘Relax, kid. I’m not going to yell at you. Although I should considering there were express orders only to go planet side if there was no other choice.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Jim says, the phrase insincere considering he isn’t used to apologising for something he has no knowledge of.
‘How’s Spock?’ Pike asks, leaning forward.
Jim almost flinches. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t really spoken to him to be honest.’
This seems to surprise Pike who sits back, his eyebrows rising. ‘Really?’
‘I don’t really know what to say to him. I mean, one minute we barely know each other and the next I’m married to him. How am I supposed to adapt to that? It’s all so weird. You know, Uhura is nice to me now, even though I apparently stole her boyfriend from her. I don’t know what to do, I feel so out of my depth.’
Pike nods understandingly. ‘Jim, you need to know that in the past two years you’ve really earned the respect of your crew, believe me. You’ve become the admiralties golden boy in a way. And in relation to Spock, well, he’s your husband and hell, I have the wedding pictures to prove it if you ever want to see them-’
‘I’m good, thanks.’
‘I practically gave you away,’ Pike says, sounding slightly proud. ‘I almost had a heart attack when you told me you were sleeping with your first. You wouldn’t believe the paperwork when you have a starship captain and his first officer involved.’
Jim smiles, feeling Pike’s attitude ease his discomfort over the situation. ‘I can imagine.’
‘Look, while they work to get your memory back, be kind to him, OK? He’s dealing with the fact you want nothing to do with him.’
‘And what if they can’t fix me? What if I’m like this?’
‘You wanted him once, you’ll want him again.’
Jim’s face transforms into disgust, the idea of doing anything but sparring with the Vulcan making him feel uncomfortable.
‘Jim, be nice to him,’ Pike says, his voice almost an order.
‘Yes, sir.’
………………
Jim spends the rest of his shift catching up on every bit of information he can get his hands on, on the missions he’s done in the last two years, how many crew he’s lost, how many he’s saved. He finds it like reading a fictional book about a character with his own name. He finds some of the stories amusing, like the time he became a telepathic llama on a desert planet, and then there’s some other stories which horrify him to his core.
After shift he goes to see McCoy who looks relieved to see him as they sit down to eat together. He gets the feeling eating with McCoy in his office is not a common occurrence when Chapel walks in and gives them a slightly confused look.
He retires to his room afterward, momentarily forgetting it’s not purely his room anymore as he strolls in, hands in his pockets. He stops short, seeing Spock sitting on a meditation mat in the corner, his posture relaxed and his eyes shut.
Jim turns around on the spot several times, not knowing whether to leave or stay. He should stay for Spock, he knows he should, but the idea of sleeping with a man he barely knows, a man who has a propensity for stranding him on ice planets makes him want to go and ask McCoy if he can bunk with him.
‘Jim,’ Spock murmurs, his eyes fluttering open as he gracefully stands.
‘Hey,’ Jim says awkwardly, staring around at the floor for something to look at. ‘Is it OK if I go and have a shower?’
‘Of course,’ Spock nods, his eyes dark and intense as they watch him. Jim feels the need to run away and flee, but more oddly, the need to go over and be close to Spock. He doesn’t understand why but it’s like there’s some feeling deep within him pulling him toward Spock.
He pushes the feeling down and smiles uncomfortably as he heads toward the bathroom without a look back.
He takes his time in the shower, ignoring how weird it is to see two sets of towels in his bathroom and two sets of toiletries littering the sink area. He walks back out in his boxers and looks around awkwardly.
‘Hey, where’s my pyjamas?’
Spock, who is sitting by the computer console, turns to face him. ‘You do not wear pyjamas.’
‘Oh,’ Jim mutters, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. He knows what that means but he refuses to sleep naked next to Spock so he roots around in his drawers and pulls out a white t-shirt and tugs it on.
‘You are well?’ Spock asks, his voice barely hiding the worry there.
‘Yeah. Bones says I’m completely healthy other than the amnesia.’
‘I am pleased,’ Spock replies.
Jim gives him a lazy smile that doesn’t reach his eyes before looking at the bed. ‘What side do I, err, sleep on?’
Spock points to the right and Jim nods gratefully as he crawls in under the soft covers which smell unmistakably of Spock and his own cologne. Jim looks over to see Spock watching him like a hawk, clearly unsure if he’s welcome in his own bed.
‘We’re adults, we can sleep in a bed together,’ Jim says, realizing how stupid it sounds considering they’ve been bonded for a year and Spock sleeps with him every single night.
Spock nods as he stands and removes his dressing gown to reveal green boxers which he is obviously wearing for Jim’s benefit. Jim turns and faces the wall as he feels Spock shift and move next to him, clearly trying to get comfortable.
He hears Spock murmur the order for the lights off and Jim finds the silence too loud and far too loaded as he tries to wrap his mind around what’s happened and that he’s lying next to Spock. His husband. His bondmate.
………
He wakes up slowly and feels a body holding him firmly from behind and for a split second it seems natural, almost instinctive, to move back into that warm heat. That is until he wakes fully and everything floods back. His face flushes awkwardly as he feels Spock’s erection hot and hard against his ass and he tries to move away, not wanting to wake the clingy Vulcan.
‘Jim,’ he hears by his ear, soft and thick like Spock is still half asleep.
Spock’s hand runs down his chest and into his boxers and Jim jerks away, throwing the covers off so he can stand up. Spock blinks awake fully as he takes in Jim, and sadness flicks across those dark eyes for a second. Jim stares back at him, unsure what to do in this particular scenario.
‘I apologise,’ Spock says, his voice still slightly rough from sleep.
Jim shakes his head and waves it off. ‘Don’t worry about it, it’s not your fault.’
Spock nods but remains under the covers. Jim takes a moment to look at his first officer, his hair completely rumpled and his eyes still ever so slightly bleary. It’s a sight that seems altogether too intimate and personal and like something he shouldn’t be privy to. He turns away and stalks over to the bathroom, aware that Spock is following him with his eyes from his place in their bed.
………..
Pike gives them a mission. Well, it isn’t a mission, it’s an interplanetary conference which is focused on mining colonies that he’s been told to go to and make friends at. Pike seemed to be easing him into the captaincy in the same way he had 2 years ago; by giving him a non-mission.
When he explains their orders everyone actually seems relieved, like they wanted to do something that didn’t end in someone being turned into an animal or losing their memory for once.
Jim walks into their quarters to get into his dress uniform to find Spock already there, dressed and ready to go, his hair completely immaculate. Jim can’t help the tingle he feels in the pit of his stomach at seeing Spock look so professional and handsome.
‘Hey,’ Jim says with a smile, walking over to his drawers and finding his gold dress uniform. He looks toward the bathroom, wondering if he should get undressed in private before getting himself together and realizing that Spock has seen him naked a lot. More than a lot considering they’ve been together for over a year.
Jim swallows nervously as he takes off his pants and top, followed by his boxer shorts. He looks over to find Spock staring at the computer console, his eyes flitting across to Jim for a split second before returning to the console. Jim quickly pulls on clean underwear which is closely followed by the dress uniform.
‘This should be fun,’ Jim says brightly as he buttons up his top and adjusts it, making sure the gold line is straight down the middle.
‘Yes, this is one of the largest conferences in this particular sector so there will be a wide variety of alien life forms to interact with and study. No doubt you will indirectly offend most,’ Spock says, his voice light in tone as his lips quirk at the edges.
‘I’ll try not to,’ Jim says, checking his hair in the mirror before pulling on his shoes.
Spock walks over to him, eyes guarded. ‘Shall we?’ he asks, offering his arm without thinking.
Jim stands up straight and looks at the offered arm awkwardly. Spock immediately drops it and nods understandingly, though Jim can tell he’s upset because it’s like he can almost feel it himself.
He encounters many of his other crew on the way to the transporter room, all dressed formally and buzzing with excitement.
Jim turns to Spock. ‘Why is everyone so happy to be going to some intergalactic conference on mining?’
‘They are merely looking forward to interacting with others who are not part of the crew.’
‘Oh, remind me to go on shove leave soon then,’ Jim says as a crew member runs past and nods in acknowledgment of Jim with a big grin.
‘I shall,’ says Spock as they walk into the transporter room to see McCoy in his usual uniform.
‘You not coming?’ Jim asks, his eyes pleading and desperate as he walks across to McCoy.
‘You know I hate transporters, Jim,’ McCoy says with a loose smile.
‘Bones, please come,’ Jim pleads, his hands fixing on McCoy’s upper arms. He doesn’t like this clingy feeling as he’s normally one of the most independent people in the world but having two years gone, McCoy feels like his only anchor. He needs his anchor. Jim gives him his best wide-eyed puppy dog eyes and can see McCoy’s defences crumbling down with satisfaction.
‘I’ll meet you down there,’ McCoy finally says with a long sigh.
‘Thank you,’ says Jim with relief as he embraces him fondly. Jim pulls back to see Spock standing close to them, his look dark as he places a hot hand on the bottom of Jim’s back.
‘We must depart, Jim,’ Spock says. Jim nods, not used to hearing Spock say his name with such ease and recognition. He shoots a smile at McCoy softly as he steps up onto the transporter pad with Spock close next to him, and dematerialises.
He smiles in excitement as he materialises into an open space dedicated for arrivals. He looks around and sees so many different species that he would be hard pressed to name half.
‘Are we the only humans at this conference?’ asks Jim, looking around.
‘You, so far, are the only human.’
‘You know what I mean,’ Jim says exasperatedly.
‘I believe Starfleet has only sent the Enterprise so all humans will be your crew,’ Spock says, his voice guarded as he clasps his hands behind his back. Jim nods as a small blue alien with tentacles wobbles up to them and hands them a card with all the details of talks and a map on it.
‘Thanks,’ Jim says as the alien bows before wobbling over to other arrivals. ‘I hope most of them speak standard.’
‘Most of them should,’ Spock says as he rests a hand on Jim’s back, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Jim knew that Vulcans were rarely ever tactile so being around this Spock, who has no problem putting his hands on him at any time, unnerves him.
‘Welcome,’ an Orion says with a smile as she strolls up to them, her eyes flicking to Spock’s arm around Jim. ‘I’m pleased Starfleet sent you Captain Kirk. Most of us here only hear stories about you and your ship so it’s an honour.’
‘Thank you,’ Jim said, unsure what he’d done to deserve such a reputation.
‘And this must be your husband,’ she says with a large grin as she throws up a Vulcan salute. ‘Welcome. I don’t think we have any other Vulcans with us but I’m meeting and greeting so many people that I could be wrong. Anyway, have fun and please read your card on rules and regulations.’ The Orion gives them another blinding grin before turning and walking up to other arrivals.
Jim moves into a large open area which is like an aircraft hanger filled with groups of aliens all in discussion about various things. Some species give them a hostile look where as others wave happily, obviously pleased to see them. Jim has never felt so embarrassed and proud to be human in his life. As they carry on moving through, Jim becomes all too aware that Spock’s hand is still pressed possessively on his back.
‘There’s so many species here, how do they make sure they don’t all attack one another?’ Jim says, moving away from Spock, the Vulcan’s arm dropping to his side.
‘They are bound by strict rules and guidelines, and as this is one of the primary places for some species to work out deals for crops and products, it is in everyone’s interest to be on good behaviour.’
‘Ah, that makes sense,’ Jim says as a pretty Deltan walks past, and he smiles at her. ‘I like it here.’
‘Indeed,’ Spock says, stepping into Jim’s personal space. Jim instinctively takes a step back causing Spock to frown for half a second before schooling his face.
‘Captain,’ several crew members murmur as they walked past him on their way through.
‘How many of our crew are we beaming down?’ Jim asks as two female officers walk past in their Starfleet uniform.
‘Only 33 I believe. It was to be 32 but you persuaded the Doctor to also beam down,’ Spock says, not sounding overly fond of Jim’s decision. ‘Many of the crew beamed down have advanced xenolinguistic skills so they should be able to help foster allegiances between Starfleet and other races.’
‘OK, that sounds good. I might have a bit of a wander, try and not insult species accidentally, I’ll come find you in a bit,’ Jim says, eager to mingle and talk to people. He feels like a kid in a candy store having never been in a place with this many different alien races and so many potential partners. Jim grins at the thought.
‘I could accompany you if you wish,’ Spock says, his hand brushing against Jim’s.
‘Nah, I’m good. I’ll come and find you later,’ Jim says with a smile as he turns on the spot, wondering which direction to set off in. He swears Spock looks like he’s going to follow him for a second before he nods and looks down.
Jim walks around idly, making small talk with some Romulans and a few other races he can’t pronounce, before being approached by a pretty Betazoid who is not making any attempt to hide the way she’s looking at him.
‘Captain,’ she says with a small smile. ‘It is a real pleasure to meet you.’
‘Thank you,’ Jim says with a big smile. ‘I’m Jim Kirk.’
‘I know,’ she mutters as her eyes look down and then up. ‘I’m Kestra.’
‘Nice to meet you,’ Jim says as he indicates for them to sit down at a near by table. He smiles openly, aware that Betazoids are highly telepathic and so allows a string of sexually suggestive things to enter his mind.
‘I confess, I did not have any motive in making myself known to you. You just seem so interesting, I can hear how open you are,’ she says, leaning forward.
‘Why thank you,’ Jim says with a smug smile, giving the Betazoid another look up and down. He knows he really shouldn’t considering he’s married and he’s supposed to be here to make good connections for Starfleet, but it’s hard to care where Kestra smiles suggestively at him. ‘Can you tell what I’m thinking?’
‘Now, now Captain, that’s a poor line even for you from what I hear,’ she says, pushing her hair behind her ear.
Jim throws his head back and laughs. ‘Ok, don’t judge me on that. I’m normally way more smooth and charming. I’ve had a bit of set back lately so excuse the lame come on.’
‘It’s not a problem. Do you wish to go somewhere private?’
‘So forward, I think I’m in love,’ Jim says, standing up eagerly. Kestra doesn’t move, her eyes fixed on him curiously. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘You are bonded,’ she states.
‘Oh, just ignore that, I’m single,’ Jim says earnestly.
The Betazoid tilts her head with a small, patronizing smile. ‘You’re not, but it’s adorable you think you are.’
‘Seriously? Come on, what do I have to say to get you interested again?’ Jim asks with a smile he always pulls out for pretty girls.
‘Jim,’ Spock says suddenly, appearing at the table, his eyes dark as he glares at the Betazoid. She immediately jumps up.
‘It’s been nice meeting you,’ she says hurriedly, glancing at the Vulcan in slight fear before walking away.
‘Wait,’ Jim tries, moving forward before losing her in the crowd. He turns to Spock, feeling annoyed. ‘What is it?’
‘You are aware one of the regulations of away missions dictates your professionalism at all times. Also, this conference insists no species are allowed to proposition or court a being that is already mated. She was in breach of those rules.’
‘How are you supposed to know if someone’s taken? I mean, what if I go flirt with an Orion who’s taken?’
Spock raised an eyebrow. ‘I suggest you do not proposition anyone. I also suggest when approached again by a being who clearly desires you, you simply inform them you are mated to a Vulcan.’
‘What? So they’ll run away in fear like she did?’ Jim says with a snort of amusement. He wants to talk to other races, discuss their civilisation, offer Starfleet assistance if necessary and he knows if he constantly introduces himself as the captain of the Enterprise and a Vulcan’s husband, they’ll turn and avoid him. He doesn’t want that, but he’s almost positive that Spock does.
‘Goddammit,’ Jim turns to see McCoy walking through a group of purple aliens, one of whom turns and gives Jim a wave, like he knows him. ‘This place isn’t big enough for all these damn aliens.’
‘I’m pleased you’re here,’ Jim says sincerely, watching an exchange of looks between Spock and McCoy with interest.
‘Wish I could say the same,’ McCoy says, glancing around distastefully as a group of Klingons walk past.
‘Just walk round with me and stop me from saying stupid shit, OK?’ Jim says with a smile as he spots some more Deltans. ‘Let’s go over there.’ He misses the look of complete hurt that overtakes Spock’s face as he grabs McCoy’s hand and not his.
Jim and McCoy arrive at the group of Deltans at the same time as many other aliens, all male and looking entranced. Jim feels the pheremones have their desired effect on him as he feels his skin become hot and desire pulse through him, his heart picking up pace.
Jim introduces himself as he tries desperately not to make an idiot out of himself, but quickly feels a hard grip wrapping around his wrist and turns to look up at Spock. Spock’s eyes are focused primarily on the Deltans.
‘You are aware you are not allowed to gather in groups greater than three,’ says Spock to the Deltans. Jim wriggles his hand, trying to move Spock off but his grip is firm and possessive. They quickly disperse separately; causing most of the males close by to let out sighs.
‘Spock, I’m good,’ Jim says, indicating Spock’s firm grip. Spock looks at him, his gaze searching, and that’s when Jim remembers that Vulcan’s are touch telepaths. Jim can’t help the annoyance that floods him. ‘Stop reading my thoughts,’ Jim snaps.
Spock takes his hand away, looking like he couldn’t find what he was looking for anyway in Jim’s mind. ‘I apologise.’
‘S’fine,’ Jim mumbles, holding his wrist slightly.
‘I shall accompany you around the conference,’ Spock states, this time there’s no question and Jim gives in, knowing the Vulcan will follow him everywhere. He’s fairly sure Spock’s been following him the whole time at a distance anyway.
By the time the conference is over Jim feels exhausted and tired and dreams of his bed. He’s made a few allies, impressed quite a few people and with Spock by his side the whole time, never got laid or even flirted with.
He walks into his quarters with Spock close behind him and immediately begins undressing, no longer bothered that the Vulcan can see. He strips down to his boxers and collapses onto the bed with a tired sigh, pulling the covers up to his chest.
‘I think that went well,’ Jim says, arms behind his head.
Spock strips down too, his eyes barely wavering from Jim’s form for a second. ‘I believe you will have a positive report to give to Admiral Pike.’
‘Definitely,’ Jim says, his eyes glancing at the revealed skin of his first officer. He has no intention of doing anything, but he can see objectively why he would find him attractive with his strong physique and his smooth, light green skin. He can’t help but wonder what colour Spock’s penis is as he stares at the rather large bulge in his boxers.
Jim flicks his eyes up and notices that Spock has been watching him looking, and Jim looks away with an embarrassed flush on his cheeks.
‘I am yours to look at,’ Spock states as he walks to his side of the bed and gets in.
Jim knows Spock is trying to make him feel less embarrassed but it only helps a little as Spock lies on his side and faces him, a soft, loving look written across his expression.
Jim dozes for what feels like hours, his body still revved up from the conference and his mind still trying to process what has happened over the past few days. He’s on the edge of sleep when he feels a soft nose brush against the back of his neck and warm air brush his ear.
‘I miss you so much,’ Spock whispers, thinking he’s asleep.
Jim swallows uncomfortably as he feels an overwhelming feeling of loss flood him, making him want to cry. He doesn’t try and shift away when Spock’s spoons up against him from behind, his arms wrapping around him protectively.
End of Part One
Part Two