Fic: Blank Mind 2/3
Title: Blank Mind 2/3
Universe: XI
Rating: R (NC-17 overall)
Relationship status: established relationship
Word count: 6324 this part (16,600 overall)
Genre: angst
Trope: amnesia
Warning: Language, adult themes, trauma, slight struggle in sexual situation.
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented on the first part. You guys are amazing. :)
Summary: Jim wakes up believing it to be the day he walked onto the bridge as captain, about to leave Earth’s space dock (the end of XI). It’s actually two years since that day and he’s bonded and married to Spock.
Previous parts: Part One
Blank Mind
Part Two
He wakes up the next morning in the same way as the day before, with Spock’s arms still tight and possessive around his body, and he can feel Spock’s erection rubbing against the cleft of his ass. For a second he actually contemplates moving back and rubbing against it before he remembers it’s Spock and that right now, he doesn’t really want Spock regardless of the strong tug that is buried deep in his stomach and mind that urges him closer to the Vulcan.
Jim takes a deep breath and turns all the way around in Spock’s grip until he’s facing him. Spock is asleep and his black hair is all over the place, and Jim can’t help but appreciate what a good looking man he is with his pointed ears and his elegant upswept eyebrows. He fights back the urge to brush Spock’s hair away from his face.
‘I am aware you are watching me,’ Spock says, voice low and his eyes shut. Jim jerks back, feeling caught. ‘I do not mind, I merely thought you should know I am awake and,’ Spock hesitates and Jim frowns, waiting, ‘and I am in contact with you so I can read your thoughts clearly.’
Jim suddenly becomes highly aware of where Spock’s arm is wrapped around him, his warm hand on his back.
‘Oh,’ Jim says but doesn’t back away, feeling oddly confident and defiant. ‘What am I thinking right now?’ Jim asks playfully, thinking of the colour yellow.
Spock opens his eyes and Jim is struck by how open and trusting they seem as they take him in. ‘You are attempting to project the colour yellow.’
‘That’s kinda cool,’ Jim says, feeling slightly in awe as Spock stares back him. ‘Couldn’t you like mind meld with me to get my memories back?’
Spock inhales. ‘No, it would be far too dangerous. My mind is also not safe for your mind right now.’
Jim nods, not wanting to be push it further, even though he feels a pang of disappointment. ‘Tell me things,’ Jim says, still slightly sleepy as Spock’s grip on him tugs him closer. Jim wants to protest, to shove him away, but he tries not to, tries to remember how devastated Spock must be over having a husband who barely knows him.
‘What do you wish me to tell you?’
‘I don’t know really. Bones says it’d be a good idea for you to tell me about things we’ve done together, missions we’ve had, stuff like that as it might trigger something. Like, how did we get together?’
Spock’s eyes look deeply into Jim’s like he’s almost willing the memories back. ‘I began courting you with Doctor McCoy’s permission nine months after we left Earth.’
‘So soon,’ Jim says in awe, but finding hope that it didn’t take long for him to go from not caring about his first officer to seeing him as a possible sexual partner.
‘I identified you as my perfect mate one month in but you were oblivious so I did not inform you of my feelings. I also terminated my relationship with Nyota immediately. Instead I worked to advance our professional and personal relationship as best as I could. I often accompanied you on away missions and we reached a level of trust you claimed you never thought possible.’
Jim tried to take it in, the idea of trusting someone so implicitly. He trusted McCoy more than he trusted anyone else so the thought of trusting someone more than he trusted his best friend made him feel a little surprised.
‘Go on,’ Jim says, his face so close to Spock’s that he feels like he should feel uncomfortable or awkward, but it doesn’t feel either of those things as Spock searches his eyes. He suddenly remembers Spock’s hand, which is still pressed against his back, and flushes in embarrassment, realizing that all the thought processes he is going through can be heard by Spock.
‘We have no secrets, Jim,’ Spock says softly, looking like he wants to lean forward and kiss him but refrains.
‘None?’ Jim says disbelievingly. He has a lot of secrets about his past exploits, things he’s done and things he refused to do which he would never want anyone to know.
‘None,’ Spock says firmly.
‘So, we got together 9 months in?’ Jim says, wanting desperately to change topic and stop the way Spock is staring at him.
‘No. I began courting you 9 months in by displaying my strength and intelligence in an appealing way. You were oblivious for the first week. You then began noticing when I stopped allowing others to proposition you. I believe you referred to it as ‘cockblocking.’’
Jim smirks. ‘So, then what?’ Jim asks, eager to hear how things happened like a kid being told a bed time story about fictional characters.
Spock swallows and his eyes look away. ‘I then displayed my sexual compatibility with you.’
‘So, we slept together early on?’
‘It was important to show you that I can satisfy you and also that we enjoy being together. It did not take much persuasion on my part to get you into bed,’ Spock says softly, like the memory is a fond one.
That’s when it happens, and Jim doesn’t know why then or what triggered it, but he remembers something. A sliver of memory like it’s a dream. He remembers waking up in the same position they are now and kissing Spock lazily, his body pliant and warm. Jim remembers it as the morning after they first time they had sex and he was so satisfied and content that it scared him slightly.
It’s only a brief flash of memory but it’s enough to set Jim’s heart racing.
‘Jim,’ Spock says worriedly.
‘I remember the first morning,’ Jim says in awe as he quickly logs the memory away.
Spock sits up quickly, his eyes lighting up with hope. ‘You remember anything else?’
‘No, just that moment,’ Jim says, sitting up too. ‘Sorry.’
‘It is enough as it displays that your memories can be triggered and are not lost,’ Spock says quickly, barely holding back the excitement in his voice. Hearing his first officer sound so hopeful almost scares Jim slightly.
‘Couldn’t you at least share your memories with me through a meld? It might prompt something?’ Jim asks.
‘My mind is not currently a pleasant place for you to be subjected to,’ Spock admits quietly. ‘I am experiencing levels of distress and loss which I do not want you to have to experience. I hope they will fade with time, and then I shall be able to meld with you.’
Jim feels the pain in his stomach again, the loss seeping into his mind and Jim wants to tell him he’s sorry over and over again, but he knows it wouldn’t help either of them.
‘I can feel you sometimes. Your emotions,’ Jim comments quietly.
‘Yes, you may sometimes feel bursts of feelings which are not yours. I will try and keep as much to myself as possible.’
The computer console suddenly beeps and Jim ducks out of Spock’s embrace and walks over. ‘Kirk here.’
‘Captain, Doctor McCoy requires you in medical bay.’
‘Thanks,’ Jim says, looking over his shoulder at Spock lying on the bed elegantly, the cover at his upper thighs. ‘I’m on my way.’
Jim quickly throws on some clothes and heads to see McCoy, his heart beating excitedly in his chest as the doors slide open.
‘Bones, I just remembered something,’ Jim says, almost running into McCoy in his haste.
McCoy grips hold of him, steadying him quickly. ‘You remembered something?’
‘Well, I was in bed with Spock and Spock was telling me about how we got together and I remembered the morning after we first had sex. I remember everything about it, what I felt, what he looked like. Does this mean they’re all going to start coming back?’
McCoy blinked. ‘You’re already sleeping with Spock?’
‘Huh? No, we sleep next to each other. Anyway, don’t focus on that, let’s focus on the memory.’
McCoy nods and leans against one of the biobeds. ‘Memory triggers are normally situational, like you were lying in bed with Spock and the sensations, the place, the smells all triggered the memory.’
‘So, what? I have to go into situations which I’ve been in before to remember them? Or start smelling people?’
‘The best thing you do is keep talking to people about things that have happened. Ask Spock more questions.’
Jim smirks, an idea coming to mind. ‘Ok then, tell me how you reacted when you found out I was with Spock.’
McCoy raises an irritated eyebrow. ‘That’s what you want to know?’
‘Sure is.’
McCoy pinches between his eyes. ‘Well, Spock approached me for permission to date you because I’m your closest friend and it’s some random Vulcan formality to get my approval. I’m fairly sure I swore a lot.’
Jim grins like a child being told a fairytale. ‘Did you give him ‘the talk’ about sparing my honour?’
‘Jim, you haven’t had any honour since you were 15 and we both know it.’
‘Yeah, yeah but still, did you tell him to treat me right?’
‘I laughed and told him he could give it a shot thinking he wouldn’t have a chance in hell. I had no idea you actually liked the goblin. I lost money when you guys got together,’ McCoy says, sounding slightly bitter over the whole thing.
‘Were we happy?’ Jim asks quietly, almost hoping to hear they weren’t so he wouldn’t feel so guilty.
‘Yeah, you were.’
‘God, Spock must be so upset. He doesn’t look it though, he seems fine, although I sometimes feel tiny bursts of his loss come through.’
‘I know you barely know him but you’re not stupid enough to believe he’d show it if he were upset.’
Jim nods, feeling suddenly regretful over the way he’d acted at the conference. He’d been so self involved in his own problems that he’d barely taken a second to think about how Spock was dealing with the fact that he didn’t remember him. And then Jim had made it worse by being insensitive and hitting on other people.
‘If I talked to him, would he tell me how he’s feeling? I want to have a good working relationship with him.’
McCoy looks at him like he’s crazy. ‘Do not, under any circumstances, say the words ‘working relationship’ to him. That’s like a girl telling you she loves you like a brother. He’d probably end up strangling you again.’
‘God, that only feels like it was a few weeks ago,’ Jim says, thinking back to that time when Spock was pretty much the bane of his existence. ‘Anyway, why’d you have to see me?’
‘Federation guidelines state I have to check up on your mental well being every day when someone has amnesia.’
‘I’m fine,’ Jim shrugs. ‘Wanna go get some breakfast together?’ McCoy frowns at him like Jim had just asked if he wanted to wear a tutu. ‘Do you not eat breakfast now?’ Jim asks, feeling completely baffled.
‘No, it’s just, you should probably go with Spock.’
‘Why would I go to breakfast with Spock? I wanna chat to you.’ Jim doesn’t want to be completely insensitive but McCoy is his best friend and he would much rather spend time with him.
‘Jim,’ McCoy warns.
‘This is so weird. You would never be on his side in all of this two years ago.’
‘He’s your husband. You guys were so in love it made me want to vomit half the time and now he’s all alone and there’s no one to blame.’
Jim looks down, feeling slightly ashamed of himself over how he’s been acting. He leaves medical bay with a long sigh.
…………
Jim gets back to his quarters and sees Spock pulling on his blue shirt. He waits until it’s on completely before walking over to him and sliding his hands around Spock’s waist and holding him. He feels like a furnace in Jim’s arms, but it’s hard to care when Spock’s arms automatically wrap around him and he actually purrs.
‘I’m sorry I was such a jerk yesterday,’ Jim says, smiling as Spock’s hand comes up to rake through his hair.
‘You are coming to terms with your accident, I was not at all offended, I promise you,’ Spock says, his voice low and smooth and making Jim shut his eyes for a split second. Jim lets out a small sigh as Spock’s arms tighten for a second. Then he starts to feel emotions that are definitely not his own start to come into his mind and it very quickly becomes overwhelming as concern and love and loss crash over him, making his throat clench uncomfortably.
Jim steps back, feeling light headed and pleased when the unpleasant, foreign emotions disappear.
‘I’ll try and be nicer to you,’ Jim says awkwardly. ‘I know you’re going through a lot and I want you to be able to talk to me even though I’m not myself right now.’
Spock nods, looking down to his feet. Jim slaps him lightly on the side of his body like he does to McCoy, and Spock stiffens at the action.
‘Please desist from patting me in that manner,’ Spock says tightly.
Jim frowns in confusion and takes a step back. ‘Oh, sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind me touching you.’
Spock immediately softens seeing that Jim is upset. ‘You are allowed to touch me whenever you wish. I just do not appreciate being treated like one of your friends.’
Jim nods. ‘I know, sorry. I have no idea what I’m doing here because we’re married, but to me we’re not and I don’t really know how to handle all this.’
Spock looks him up and down. ‘I too am unsure how to behave around you. I wish to comfort you as if you were my husband but I do not think you’d be open to receiving it.’
Jim laughs quietly. ‘Yeah, if you tried to give me comfort sex I’d probably freak a little bit at first.’
Spock raises an eyebrow, his lips quirking. ‘I do not often comfort you in that way.’
‘How do you normally comfort me?’ Jim asks despite himself, not sure if he wants to open up that particular box. Jim lets out a small squeak when warm, solid arms wrap around him protectively, Spock’s hand curled around the back of Jim’s head.
‘Oh, Ok,’ Jim mumbles into Spock’s neck as his own arms tentatively reciprocate, coming up to wrap around Spock’s small waist. This time there’s no feelings of sadness or hurt rushing into him, but instead he can feel relaxation and calm and warmth flooding his system. Jim sighs happily as his body slumps against Spock as his mind finally stops thinking about everything that’s happened, stops worrying about his lost memories, stops worrying that he’s doing things wrong and just lets a wave of reassurance and love surround him like a warm blanket.
Jim swallows, finding himself encased in Spock’s warmth, not wanting to break away. ‘You always do this?’
‘Yes,’ Spock replies, his voice rumbling through Jim’s body.
‘It’s nice,’ Jim comments, feelings of love and adoration coming from Spock in spades. ‘It’s so weird that I can feel your feelings and stuff.’
‘It is normal for mates to be able to feel each other and gain comfort,’ Spock says quietly, rubbing his nose into Jim’s hair.
Jim jerks away and out of Spock’s grip at the affectionate movement, trembling slightly as his body screams at the denial and his own thoughts of worry and fear come back ten fold as he stares at Spock.
‘Sorry,’ Jim mumbles, feeling like the whole situation is wrong and how odd it is that Spock is his bond mate and that he knows of all Jim intimately, both body and mind. It makes him feel vulnerable and awkward that he has no secrets from the man in front of him.
‘Are you alright?’ Spock asks gently, his hands clasping behind his back as he warily approaches Jim.
Jim nods and fakes a smile. ‘Yeah, I think I’m going to go have a walk around the Enterprise. Get used to it and everything.’
‘I shall accompany you if you wish.’
‘No offence, but I’d rather go alone,’ Jim says, noticing the flash of rejection across Spock’s eyes as he nods. ‘Sorry.’
‘I understand,’ Spock says. Jim can tell that even though he understands, he really doesn’t like it, obviously not used to Jim not wanting his company.
‘I’ll catch up with you later.’ Jim quickly heads for the door, needing to be away from the Vulcan who seems to draw him in like he’s an addict and Spock’s his drug.
……….
The days go by with no more memories coming to the surface. Spock and Jim get into a nice routine of talking in bed in the morning, neither discussing the possibility of Jim getting his own room if things don’t get better because neither of them want to talk about it. Not yet. Jim tries as hard as he can to remember anything he can. He looks at as many pictures and holos as he can get hold of, taking in as much as he can in the hope that something, anything, will spark another memory. All it does is make him depressed over what he’s lost.
It becomes exhausting when people start to treat him like he doesn’t know anything. He understands that he still doesn’t quite have a hold on the engineering aspect of his ship and that he gets a name wrong every now and again, but he’s trying his hardest to be the captain they all remember.
Pike has made sure not to give him any major missions, much to his annoyance and his crew’s. He wants to do something instead of doing peace talks or going to conferences. He wants sex pollen or discovering a species which can only communicate in song. He wants to explore new worlds, not go to existing ones and check that every things OK before returning to his ship.
Things with Spock progressively become more comfortable and less awkward for Jim who often finds the Vulcan by his side without warning, offering silent support in bad situations or whenever he’s talking to the admiralty. He’s like a constant, never wavering force that always has his back and helps him with anything he needs and for that, Jim is eternally grateful.
He also finds himself enjoying Spock’s company more and more, finding out they have more in common than he previously thought. However, he can definitely tell that Spock is becoming slightly antsy for not mind melding or having sex in a while but Jim doesn’t think he’s ready to have sex with him yet, and Spock is still refusing to mind meld with him because of his own mental distress.
One night he does something that feels so normal, so instinctual, that he doesn’t realise what he’s done is not fitting with his usual behaviour until a few moments after the action.
‘Night,’ Jim says, leaning over and pressing his mouth softly against Spock’s, before turning away and inching his back against Spock’s chest pointedly. It’s a beat before his eyes fly open, realizing what he’s done, and immediately turns to see Spock staring at him, eyes soft and open.
Jim gives him an awkward, uncomfortable look and then suddenly Spock’s on him like a dog in heat as he pins Jim to bed, his body pressed on top of Jim’s, keeping him down like he’s caught prey. Jim gives a nervous laugh as the Vulcan’s eyes darken.
Then suddenly Spock leans down and kisses him deeply, frantically, like he’ll die without it. Jim doesn’t know what to do as pain shoots to where his wrists are being held down against the mattress in a strong Vulcan grip. He feels like he should be panicking, be stopping Spock, but something so deep within him that he barely notices it, wants this, enjoys having that hot mouth all over his and suddenly he’s kissing back experimentally, opening his mouth against Spock’s as Spock lets out a small purr of pleasure.
‘Spock,’ Jim mumbles against Spock’s lips when he feels Spock grind down against his thigh, like he can’t help himself. Jim knows he needs to stop this because however much he’s tempted to sleep with his first officer, he still thinks in the long run, it would be a bad idea.
‘I need you,’ Spock murmurs desperately as he gently bites at Jim’s neck and rubs his erection against Jim’s, causing a small gasp to escape Jim’s mouth.
‘Spock, no,’ Jim says, although he feels like he doesn’t mean it as he listens to all the noises Spock is coming out with, including a low growling followed by purring as he sniffs at Jim’s neck.
‘We should stop,’ Jim says weakly as Spock’s hand slides beneath his boxers and grips his cock tightly. ‘Oh, fuck.’
‘T’hy’la,’ Spock murmurs again before leaning down and sealing his mouth to Jim’s in a hungry, deep kiss which makes Jim’s whole body shiver and his toes curl.
It takes everything in Jim to push Spock off him, his muscles straining considering it’s like pushing a car off him, but Spock gets the hint and rolls away, mouth open as he pants, his cock straining against his boxers.
Then Spock is suddenly on him again, like he can’t help himself as he tongue goes deep into Jim’s mouth, stopping him from saying anything. This time Jim feels the panic well up in him as Spock pushes his own boxers to his thighs and attempts to roll Jim over onto his stomach.
‘No,’ Jim says firmly, his hand gripping Spock’s shoulder tightly as he holds him away.
Spock looks at Jim, eyes so dark it borders on feral, before his gaze softens and he shoots Jim an apologetic look before rolling off him again. Spock gets out of bed immediately, and Jim finds his eyes travelling to the Vulcan’s erection which is flushed green and rock hard as he juts out from his body. He is definitely starting to understand why he would go for a Vulcan.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jim offers, knowing it won’t do much. Spock pulls his boxers awkwardly over his cock before walking over to the corner of the room and sitting down, his eyes shutting.
Jim watches Spock meditate for a few minutes and wonders if Spock would be able to tell if he starts jerking himself off under the covers, desperate to find some relief as his heart slows down to its normal pace. He doesn’t want to play with fire, so he turns over, ignoring his own erection in favour of trying to find some sleep.
………..
The next day they get a mission to analyse an un-chartered and uninhabited planet. Starfleet wants samples so they beamed down with several crew to collect said samples, doing it quickly and proficiently considering the terrain is pleasant and not at all hostile. Most of the crew are beamed back up safely, and Jim is collecting his last sample when he suddenly notices something. He squints as he sees several figures moving in the distance, and then all of a sudden his world goes black.
Jim wakes up in a jail cell. He eyes his surroundings suspiciously, looking for any indication of where he is and what’s happened to him. His communicator is gone so he can’t hail the Enterprise and so he sits in the corner of the cell, idly looking around, and waits for something to happen. He hasn’t even seen this particular species so he has no idea what they are capable of. Jim waits and waits until he would actually classify himself as bored rather than worried.
‘Dump him in the one two down from his little boyfriend,’ a balding man says as Jim stands up, watching another man come down the hall, a blue shirted officer slung over his shoulder. His heart starts thumping, wondering if it’s McCoy before he’s dumped roughly on the floor of the cell and Jim sees the familiar pointed ears and upswept eyebrows, and bites his lip nervously.
‘You’re little friend here threatened to kill us unless we brought him to you. It’s very rude. We’re not used to aliens being mean,’ the humanoid says, looking down at the slumped Vulcan in annoyance.
The aliens leave and Jim moves over to the side of the cell closest to Spock, hoping whatever sedative they’d given Spock wasn’t so severe he’d be asleep for a while. ‘Spock, wake up. Come on you stupid Vulcan.’
Spock’s eyes flutter open and Jim sees pure relief flood his features as he takes in Jim, his eyes looking at for any physical abuse.
‘I’m fine,’ Jim says quickly with a reassuring smile. ‘They haven’t even touched me. I’m not sure why I’m here to be honest.’
‘I am unsure too,’ Spock says, his posture one of alert as he looks around his surroundings with curiosity. ‘Have they spoken to you?’
‘Not really, except to moan about you threatening to kill them.’ Jim smiles over at Spock and it softens him for a second before they hear foot steps, and Spock is up and at the bars of his cell immediately, eyes dark and dangerous.
‘Captain,’ a thick, short man says, his face contorted into a smirk as he strolls past Spock’s cage, giving it a wide berth, and coming to stand in front of Jim’s. ‘It’s a pleasure.’
‘I wish I could say the same but I have no idea who or what you are,’ Jim says, trying to remain diplomatic.
‘I apologise,’ the man says, with a hand over his heart. ‘I am Sorkel, a leader of the Berkan race.’
‘James Kirk,’ Jim says with a nod. ‘So, what can I do to get out of here?’
Sorkel looks him up and down before looking over his shoulder at Spock who is watching the interactions carefully, like an overprotective parent watching their child play with someone new.
‘We are a secretive race and we require nothing from the Federation who insist on traipsing about the universe visiting planets they have no right to be on.’
Jim perks up. ‘You’re an unlisted planet, sir, we have a duty to check that any civilisation is well and being treated humanely.’ Jim leaves out the fact they hadn’t noticed any life forms on the planet.
‘So ironic the word humanely comes from the word human considering the way you often treat others on your horrible little planet.’
Jim stiffens, feeling like the air has shifted into hostile without him noticing. It becomes worse when Spock outright growls as Sorkel approaches the cage Jim is in, eyes intense and angry. Jim shoots Spock a surprised look at the noise. ‘We don’t want to cause any fuss, because that would attract attention to our planet, so we’ll reach a compromise.’
‘Fine,’ Jim says, his hand signalling for Spock to calm down. His growling becomes quieter as Jim walks right up the bars so he’s face to face with Sorkel. ‘What is it you want?’
Sorkel smirks before taking a step back and approaching Spock’s cage, but keeping his distance warily. ‘We know you have a duty to report what you found here. To keep you from reporting anything, I’ll keep one of you here and if we even get a sniff that others are coming here, we’ll kill them.’ Sorkel turns to Spock. ‘No offence, Vulcan, but you’re not very good company so we’ll send you back to your little ship and we’ll take care of your captain over there.’
Spock lunges without any warning and Sorkel laughs as Spock snarls, his fingers gripping the metal of the cell so much his fingers are flushing green. Jim actually feels fearful himself as Spock looks like he’s ready to rip them apart given the opportunity.
‘Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of him,’ Sorkel says, walking back toward Jim with a sickly smile. Jim stays calm, trying to ignore the way Spock is prowling around his own cage, eyes lidded heavily as he glares at the men.
‘You think Starfleet won’t want to know where I’ve got to?’ Jim says, raising an amused eyebrow and folding his arms.
Sorkel turns to Spock. ‘He’ll write up a fake report if he wants you to stay alive. Perhaps pinning it on another planet or you could say there was nothing here and it was the climate that ended your life. I do not care but Vulcan,’ Sorkel says, turning to Spock and snapping his fingers to get his attention. ‘Tell them the truth and we will gladly kill him. We’ll make it hurt too, and then send you the pictures of his body.’
Spock’s eyes flash and Jim actually takes a step back in his own cell, feeling slightly fearful of his first officer and grateful the hatred isn’t being aimed toward him.
Sorkel also looks slightly wary. ‘Do you understand? You go back to your ship and claim the climate here ended his life and leave. I’m sure you can alter and manipulate the minor details with ease.’
‘I will not leave him,’ Spock growls, walking to the corner of his cage so he’s as close to Jim as he can get, even though there’s two empty cells separating them.
‘You will, unless you want us to kill him in front of you,’ Sorkel says pleasantly, like he’s telling Spock about the weather.
Jim doesn’t know what to do. He looks over at Spock who still looks like he would rather die himself than leave Jim in the hands of these people. He roots around his brain for an idea, a way out, something he could offer as a compromise and then suddenly he feels something and Spock’s head snaps up to look at him, eyes wide.
Jim frowns, unsure what’s happening until he feels his mind open and suddenly he can feel rage and anger and worry and words, not just feelings. Suddenly he can hear every little thing Spock is thinking. Then he can hear a voice, a whisper, aimed at him.
Jim, get in touching distance of me.
Jim frowns, finding Spock’s voice in his head slightly disconcerting.
‘What are you two doing?’ Sorkel asks, sounding nervous. ‘What are they doing?’ he snaps toward one of the guards who looks just as dumbfounded.
He turns to Sorkel. ‘Allow me to say goodbye to him.’
Sorkel looks suspicious for a beat before nodding toward one of the guards. Jim remains completely calm as they grab him roughly, Spock growling loudly as they lock his hands behind his back and push him to the ground outside Spock’s cage. Spock tries to lash out at the guards before falling to his knees in front of Jim.
‘Can’t I go in?’ Jim asks.
Sorkel laughs. ‘We may be a simple people but we’re not stupid. Say goodbye now and we’ll take you to your new quarters.’
Spock’s hand reaches out of the cage and cups Jim’s cheek. ‘T’hy’la,’ he says softly, looking at Jim like he’s the most perfect thing he’s ever seen. All the loss, the hurt, the complete and utter devastation he’d felt when Jim had woken up without memories seeps through into his mind and Jim’s feels his eyes start to shine with unshed tears at the realization of what Spock is going through. It almost physically hurts.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Jim murmurs quietly, his voice thick with emotion as Spock’s thumb rubs across his cheek.
Then Spock smiles, a true smile, and Jim frowns in complete confusion over seeing Spock smile and the reason behind it. A second later they’re both dematerialising onto the transporter pad, Jim’s hands still tied behind his back as he almost falls forward, Spock’s hand steadying him. Jim looks up in shock.
Spock holds up a communicator. ‘Mr Scott modified this so it was able to send a boosted signal out of their atmosphere and to the ship so they could beam us out.’
‘It was against Starfleet regulations to come after me,’ Jim says with a smile as Spock’s hand quickly drops the communicator and reaches to untie Jim’s hands.
‘I know, but I always come after you.’
Jim smiles. ‘Wow, so that was my first hostage situation. I feel all revved up,’ Jim says, jumping to his feet, adrenaline rushing through him. ‘I could have ended up spending my whole life there with the guy whose name rhymes with snorkel.’
Spock stands up too and faces him, watching Jim move around the transporter pad with excitement as McCoy rushes in to take scans. Jim practically bounces up to McCoy and wraps him in a hug.
‘I was calm,’ Jim says sincerely, pulling away as McCoy busily runs a tricorder over him. ‘I can do this now. I can do anything.’
‘You had a lucky escape. Although, you do find yourself taken by species a lot.’
‘It’s my blue eyes,’ Jim says with a grin as McCoy moves to Spock and checks him. ‘God, I have so much energy. I need to release it or something. Wanna go spar, Bones?’
‘I’m on duty, captain,’ McCoy says pointedly.
‘What do I usually do after hostage situations?’ Jim asks, feeling energized. McCoy looks down, looking almost embarrassed.
Spock walks over and places a hand on Jim’s arm. ‘We normally retire to our quarters.’
Jim slumps as he smiles, understanding Spock means that they go and have a vigorous fuck to get it all out of their systems. There’s almost a moment when he considers going for it until he remembers what happened back on the planet and turns to Spock, eyes curious. ‘How could I feel you back there? I mean, I could hear you. Normally I get small bursts of feelings but I full on felt everything and could hear all your thoughts without contact.’
Spock steps close to him. ‘Since your accident I have closed my mind to you so as to not hurt you with my distress over our situation, but my walls fell when you were threatened, I apologise.’
‘Don’t apologise, it was kinda cool. You used it to our advantage anyway in the end,’ Jim says, moving down to stand next to Spock as McCoy silently leaves the transporter room. ‘Do you always growl?’
‘When you are in danger and I am present, I often growl to warn off people who wish to harm you. I have to implement the strategy far more often that I’d like considering your propensity to get into life threatening situations.’
Jim smirks and gently shoves his shoulder against Spock’s. ‘You must have known that when you married me.’
‘I did, but it does not stop me wishing you would remain on the Enterprise during dangerous away missions.’
‘Sorry,’ Jim says. ‘Wanna go spar?’ Jim asks eagerly, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.
‘If you wish to,’ Spock says with a slight nod as he appraises Jim silently. Jim feels the look all the way down to his toes and his smile falters as he suddenly feels arousal shoot through him. Jim’s cheeks blush ever so slightly.
They eventually fight and Jim knows Spock is being kind to him, like a lion playing with a mouse. Jim is sure Spock could most likely floor him in half a beat but Jim has fun ducking and diving away from Spock’s lunges, and jumping up and down on the spot as he taunts Spock playfully, baiting him into an attack as he ducks away at the last second.
He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, his hands up when he’s struck my a memory, a new one, and Jim stops suddenly, finding himself light headed. He remembers play fighting with Spock as they wrestle on the floor, all arms and limbs, and then the sudden shift from trying to fight to trying to get the other person’s clothes off as fast as possible so Spock can fuck him into the exercise mat.
Jim makes an excuse to Spock and turns, fleeing from the room quickly, the images flooding back causing him to feel momentarily dizzy. He makes it back to his room as he remembers another flicker of memory, of running to Spock after almost dying, of falling into his arms as the relief and love flooded them both and Spock whispering declarations of love in Vulcan in his ear, promising never to let him go ever again.
Jim lands on the bed, his head thumping painfully as his eyes shine with confused, emotional tears as he tries to wrap his mind around ever loving someone that much. Spock comes in seconds after he does, walking over to the bed and leaning down by Jim, his hand running through his hair with worry. ‘Jim?’
‘I’m OK, honestly.’ Spock curls around him anyway, his arms holding Jim to him comfortingly. Jim allows himself to sink into the strong arms, feelings of protection and reassurance running through his body.
‘I had another couple memories come back,’ Jim mumbles into Spock’s chest.
‘They were distressing?’
‘No, no, they were good memories. One was of us sparring which dissolved into going at it on the gym floor,’ Jim looks up in time to see a small smirk flash across Spock’s lips. ‘The other was me seeing you after a bad away mission. I don’t know what happened but I just clung to you. I was so happy and so relieved. I never thought I’d feel that way about seeing anyone in my life.’
Spock remains silent, hugging Jim so tightly it almost hurts.
End of Part Two
Part Three
Universe: XI
Rating: R (NC-17 overall)
Relationship status: established relationship
Word count: 6324 this part (16,600 overall)
Genre: angst
Trope: amnesia
Warning: Language, adult themes, trauma, slight struggle in sexual situation.
A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read and commented on the first part. You guys are amazing. :)
Summary: Jim wakes up believing it to be the day he walked onto the bridge as captain, about to leave Earth’s space dock (the end of XI). It’s actually two years since that day and he’s bonded and married to Spock.
Previous parts: Part One
Blank Mind
Part Two
He wakes up the next morning in the same way as the day before, with Spock’s arms still tight and possessive around his body, and he can feel Spock’s erection rubbing against the cleft of his ass. For a second he actually contemplates moving back and rubbing against it before he remembers it’s Spock and that right now, he doesn’t really want Spock regardless of the strong tug that is buried deep in his stomach and mind that urges him closer to the Vulcan.
Jim takes a deep breath and turns all the way around in Spock’s grip until he’s facing him. Spock is asleep and his black hair is all over the place, and Jim can’t help but appreciate what a good looking man he is with his pointed ears and his elegant upswept eyebrows. He fights back the urge to brush Spock’s hair away from his face.
‘I am aware you are watching me,’ Spock says, voice low and his eyes shut. Jim jerks back, feeling caught. ‘I do not mind, I merely thought you should know I am awake and,’ Spock hesitates and Jim frowns, waiting, ‘and I am in contact with you so I can read your thoughts clearly.’
Jim suddenly becomes highly aware of where Spock’s arm is wrapped around him, his warm hand on his back.
‘Oh,’ Jim says but doesn’t back away, feeling oddly confident and defiant. ‘What am I thinking right now?’ Jim asks playfully, thinking of the colour yellow.
Spock opens his eyes and Jim is struck by how open and trusting they seem as they take him in. ‘You are attempting to project the colour yellow.’
‘That’s kinda cool,’ Jim says, feeling slightly in awe as Spock stares back him. ‘Couldn’t you like mind meld with me to get my memories back?’
Spock inhales. ‘No, it would be far too dangerous. My mind is also not safe for your mind right now.’
Jim nods, not wanting to be push it further, even though he feels a pang of disappointment. ‘Tell me things,’ Jim says, still slightly sleepy as Spock’s grip on him tugs him closer. Jim wants to protest, to shove him away, but he tries not to, tries to remember how devastated Spock must be over having a husband who barely knows him.
‘What do you wish me to tell you?’
‘I don’t know really. Bones says it’d be a good idea for you to tell me about things we’ve done together, missions we’ve had, stuff like that as it might trigger something. Like, how did we get together?’
Spock’s eyes look deeply into Jim’s like he’s almost willing the memories back. ‘I began courting you with Doctor McCoy’s permission nine months after we left Earth.’
‘So soon,’ Jim says in awe, but finding hope that it didn’t take long for him to go from not caring about his first officer to seeing him as a possible sexual partner.
‘I identified you as my perfect mate one month in but you were oblivious so I did not inform you of my feelings. I also terminated my relationship with Nyota immediately. Instead I worked to advance our professional and personal relationship as best as I could. I often accompanied you on away missions and we reached a level of trust you claimed you never thought possible.’
Jim tried to take it in, the idea of trusting someone so implicitly. He trusted McCoy more than he trusted anyone else so the thought of trusting someone more than he trusted his best friend made him feel a little surprised.
‘Go on,’ Jim says, his face so close to Spock’s that he feels like he should feel uncomfortable or awkward, but it doesn’t feel either of those things as Spock searches his eyes. He suddenly remembers Spock’s hand, which is still pressed against his back, and flushes in embarrassment, realizing that all the thought processes he is going through can be heard by Spock.
‘We have no secrets, Jim,’ Spock says softly, looking like he wants to lean forward and kiss him but refrains.
‘None?’ Jim says disbelievingly. He has a lot of secrets about his past exploits, things he’s done and things he refused to do which he would never want anyone to know.
‘None,’ Spock says firmly.
‘So, we got together 9 months in?’ Jim says, wanting desperately to change topic and stop the way Spock is staring at him.
‘No. I began courting you 9 months in by displaying my strength and intelligence in an appealing way. You were oblivious for the first week. You then began noticing when I stopped allowing others to proposition you. I believe you referred to it as ‘cockblocking.’’
Jim smirks. ‘So, then what?’ Jim asks, eager to hear how things happened like a kid being told a bed time story about fictional characters.
Spock swallows and his eyes look away. ‘I then displayed my sexual compatibility with you.’
‘So, we slept together early on?’
‘It was important to show you that I can satisfy you and also that we enjoy being together. It did not take much persuasion on my part to get you into bed,’ Spock says softly, like the memory is a fond one.
That’s when it happens, and Jim doesn’t know why then or what triggered it, but he remembers something. A sliver of memory like it’s a dream. He remembers waking up in the same position they are now and kissing Spock lazily, his body pliant and warm. Jim remembers it as the morning after they first time they had sex and he was so satisfied and content that it scared him slightly.
It’s only a brief flash of memory but it’s enough to set Jim’s heart racing.
‘Jim,’ Spock says worriedly.
‘I remember the first morning,’ Jim says in awe as he quickly logs the memory away.
Spock sits up quickly, his eyes lighting up with hope. ‘You remember anything else?’
‘No, just that moment,’ Jim says, sitting up too. ‘Sorry.’
‘It is enough as it displays that your memories can be triggered and are not lost,’ Spock says quickly, barely holding back the excitement in his voice. Hearing his first officer sound so hopeful almost scares Jim slightly.
‘Couldn’t you at least share your memories with me through a meld? It might prompt something?’ Jim asks.
‘My mind is not currently a pleasant place for you to be subjected to,’ Spock admits quietly. ‘I am experiencing levels of distress and loss which I do not want you to have to experience. I hope they will fade with time, and then I shall be able to meld with you.’
Jim feels the pain in his stomach again, the loss seeping into his mind and Jim wants to tell him he’s sorry over and over again, but he knows it wouldn’t help either of them.
‘I can feel you sometimes. Your emotions,’ Jim comments quietly.
‘Yes, you may sometimes feel bursts of feelings which are not yours. I will try and keep as much to myself as possible.’
The computer console suddenly beeps and Jim ducks out of Spock’s embrace and walks over. ‘Kirk here.’
‘Captain, Doctor McCoy requires you in medical bay.’
‘Thanks,’ Jim says, looking over his shoulder at Spock lying on the bed elegantly, the cover at his upper thighs. ‘I’m on my way.’
Jim quickly throws on some clothes and heads to see McCoy, his heart beating excitedly in his chest as the doors slide open.
‘Bones, I just remembered something,’ Jim says, almost running into McCoy in his haste.
McCoy grips hold of him, steadying him quickly. ‘You remembered something?’
‘Well, I was in bed with Spock and Spock was telling me about how we got together and I remembered the morning after we first had sex. I remember everything about it, what I felt, what he looked like. Does this mean they’re all going to start coming back?’
McCoy blinked. ‘You’re already sleeping with Spock?’
‘Huh? No, we sleep next to each other. Anyway, don’t focus on that, let’s focus on the memory.’
McCoy nods and leans against one of the biobeds. ‘Memory triggers are normally situational, like you were lying in bed with Spock and the sensations, the place, the smells all triggered the memory.’
‘So, what? I have to go into situations which I’ve been in before to remember them? Or start smelling people?’
‘The best thing you do is keep talking to people about things that have happened. Ask Spock more questions.’
Jim smirks, an idea coming to mind. ‘Ok then, tell me how you reacted when you found out I was with Spock.’
McCoy raises an irritated eyebrow. ‘That’s what you want to know?’
‘Sure is.’
McCoy pinches between his eyes. ‘Well, Spock approached me for permission to date you because I’m your closest friend and it’s some random Vulcan formality to get my approval. I’m fairly sure I swore a lot.’
Jim grins like a child being told a fairytale. ‘Did you give him ‘the talk’ about sparing my honour?’
‘Jim, you haven’t had any honour since you were 15 and we both know it.’
‘Yeah, yeah but still, did you tell him to treat me right?’
‘I laughed and told him he could give it a shot thinking he wouldn’t have a chance in hell. I had no idea you actually liked the goblin. I lost money when you guys got together,’ McCoy says, sounding slightly bitter over the whole thing.
‘Were we happy?’ Jim asks quietly, almost hoping to hear they weren’t so he wouldn’t feel so guilty.
‘Yeah, you were.’
‘God, Spock must be so upset. He doesn’t look it though, he seems fine, although I sometimes feel tiny bursts of his loss come through.’
‘I know you barely know him but you’re not stupid enough to believe he’d show it if he were upset.’
Jim nods, feeling suddenly regretful over the way he’d acted at the conference. He’d been so self involved in his own problems that he’d barely taken a second to think about how Spock was dealing with the fact that he didn’t remember him. And then Jim had made it worse by being insensitive and hitting on other people.
‘If I talked to him, would he tell me how he’s feeling? I want to have a good working relationship with him.’
McCoy looks at him like he’s crazy. ‘Do not, under any circumstances, say the words ‘working relationship’ to him. That’s like a girl telling you she loves you like a brother. He’d probably end up strangling you again.’
‘God, that only feels like it was a few weeks ago,’ Jim says, thinking back to that time when Spock was pretty much the bane of his existence. ‘Anyway, why’d you have to see me?’
‘Federation guidelines state I have to check up on your mental well being every day when someone has amnesia.’
‘I’m fine,’ Jim shrugs. ‘Wanna go get some breakfast together?’ McCoy frowns at him like Jim had just asked if he wanted to wear a tutu. ‘Do you not eat breakfast now?’ Jim asks, feeling completely baffled.
‘No, it’s just, you should probably go with Spock.’
‘Why would I go to breakfast with Spock? I wanna chat to you.’ Jim doesn’t want to be completely insensitive but McCoy is his best friend and he would much rather spend time with him.
‘Jim,’ McCoy warns.
‘This is so weird. You would never be on his side in all of this two years ago.’
‘He’s your husband. You guys were so in love it made me want to vomit half the time and now he’s all alone and there’s no one to blame.’
Jim looks down, feeling slightly ashamed of himself over how he’s been acting. He leaves medical bay with a long sigh.
…………
Jim gets back to his quarters and sees Spock pulling on his blue shirt. He waits until it’s on completely before walking over to him and sliding his hands around Spock’s waist and holding him. He feels like a furnace in Jim’s arms, but it’s hard to care when Spock’s arms automatically wrap around him and he actually purrs.
‘I’m sorry I was such a jerk yesterday,’ Jim says, smiling as Spock’s hand comes up to rake through his hair.
‘You are coming to terms with your accident, I was not at all offended, I promise you,’ Spock says, his voice low and smooth and making Jim shut his eyes for a split second. Jim lets out a small sigh as Spock’s arms tighten for a second. Then he starts to feel emotions that are definitely not his own start to come into his mind and it very quickly becomes overwhelming as concern and love and loss crash over him, making his throat clench uncomfortably.
Jim steps back, feeling light headed and pleased when the unpleasant, foreign emotions disappear.
‘I’ll try and be nicer to you,’ Jim says awkwardly. ‘I know you’re going through a lot and I want you to be able to talk to me even though I’m not myself right now.’
Spock nods, looking down to his feet. Jim slaps him lightly on the side of his body like he does to McCoy, and Spock stiffens at the action.
‘Please desist from patting me in that manner,’ Spock says tightly.
Jim frowns in confusion and takes a step back. ‘Oh, sorry. I didn’t think you’d mind me touching you.’
Spock immediately softens seeing that Jim is upset. ‘You are allowed to touch me whenever you wish. I just do not appreciate being treated like one of your friends.’
Jim nods. ‘I know, sorry. I have no idea what I’m doing here because we’re married, but to me we’re not and I don’t really know how to handle all this.’
Spock looks him up and down. ‘I too am unsure how to behave around you. I wish to comfort you as if you were my husband but I do not think you’d be open to receiving it.’
Jim laughs quietly. ‘Yeah, if you tried to give me comfort sex I’d probably freak a little bit at first.’
Spock raises an eyebrow, his lips quirking. ‘I do not often comfort you in that way.’
‘How do you normally comfort me?’ Jim asks despite himself, not sure if he wants to open up that particular box. Jim lets out a small squeak when warm, solid arms wrap around him protectively, Spock’s hand curled around the back of Jim’s head.
‘Oh, Ok,’ Jim mumbles into Spock’s neck as his own arms tentatively reciprocate, coming up to wrap around Spock’s small waist. This time there’s no feelings of sadness or hurt rushing into him, but instead he can feel relaxation and calm and warmth flooding his system. Jim sighs happily as his body slumps against Spock as his mind finally stops thinking about everything that’s happened, stops worrying about his lost memories, stops worrying that he’s doing things wrong and just lets a wave of reassurance and love surround him like a warm blanket.
Jim swallows, finding himself encased in Spock’s warmth, not wanting to break away. ‘You always do this?’
‘Yes,’ Spock replies, his voice rumbling through Jim’s body.
‘It’s nice,’ Jim comments, feelings of love and adoration coming from Spock in spades. ‘It’s so weird that I can feel your feelings and stuff.’
‘It is normal for mates to be able to feel each other and gain comfort,’ Spock says quietly, rubbing his nose into Jim’s hair.
Jim jerks away and out of Spock’s grip at the affectionate movement, trembling slightly as his body screams at the denial and his own thoughts of worry and fear come back ten fold as he stares at Spock.
‘Sorry,’ Jim mumbles, feeling like the whole situation is wrong and how odd it is that Spock is his bond mate and that he knows of all Jim intimately, both body and mind. It makes him feel vulnerable and awkward that he has no secrets from the man in front of him.
‘Are you alright?’ Spock asks gently, his hands clasping behind his back as he warily approaches Jim.
Jim nods and fakes a smile. ‘Yeah, I think I’m going to go have a walk around the Enterprise. Get used to it and everything.’
‘I shall accompany you if you wish.’
‘No offence, but I’d rather go alone,’ Jim says, noticing the flash of rejection across Spock’s eyes as he nods. ‘Sorry.’
‘I understand,’ Spock says. Jim can tell that even though he understands, he really doesn’t like it, obviously not used to Jim not wanting his company.
‘I’ll catch up with you later.’ Jim quickly heads for the door, needing to be away from the Vulcan who seems to draw him in like he’s an addict and Spock’s his drug.
……….
The days go by with no more memories coming to the surface. Spock and Jim get into a nice routine of talking in bed in the morning, neither discussing the possibility of Jim getting his own room if things don’t get better because neither of them want to talk about it. Not yet. Jim tries as hard as he can to remember anything he can. He looks at as many pictures and holos as he can get hold of, taking in as much as he can in the hope that something, anything, will spark another memory. All it does is make him depressed over what he’s lost.
It becomes exhausting when people start to treat him like he doesn’t know anything. He understands that he still doesn’t quite have a hold on the engineering aspect of his ship and that he gets a name wrong every now and again, but he’s trying his hardest to be the captain they all remember.
Pike has made sure not to give him any major missions, much to his annoyance and his crew’s. He wants to do something instead of doing peace talks or going to conferences. He wants sex pollen or discovering a species which can only communicate in song. He wants to explore new worlds, not go to existing ones and check that every things OK before returning to his ship.
Things with Spock progressively become more comfortable and less awkward for Jim who often finds the Vulcan by his side without warning, offering silent support in bad situations or whenever he’s talking to the admiralty. He’s like a constant, never wavering force that always has his back and helps him with anything he needs and for that, Jim is eternally grateful.
He also finds himself enjoying Spock’s company more and more, finding out they have more in common than he previously thought. However, he can definitely tell that Spock is becoming slightly antsy for not mind melding or having sex in a while but Jim doesn’t think he’s ready to have sex with him yet, and Spock is still refusing to mind meld with him because of his own mental distress.
One night he does something that feels so normal, so instinctual, that he doesn’t realise what he’s done is not fitting with his usual behaviour until a few moments after the action.
‘Night,’ Jim says, leaning over and pressing his mouth softly against Spock’s, before turning away and inching his back against Spock’s chest pointedly. It’s a beat before his eyes fly open, realizing what he’s done, and immediately turns to see Spock staring at him, eyes soft and open.
Jim gives him an awkward, uncomfortable look and then suddenly Spock’s on him like a dog in heat as he pins Jim to bed, his body pressed on top of Jim’s, keeping him down like he’s caught prey. Jim gives a nervous laugh as the Vulcan’s eyes darken.
Then suddenly Spock leans down and kisses him deeply, frantically, like he’ll die without it. Jim doesn’t know what to do as pain shoots to where his wrists are being held down against the mattress in a strong Vulcan grip. He feels like he should be panicking, be stopping Spock, but something so deep within him that he barely notices it, wants this, enjoys having that hot mouth all over his and suddenly he’s kissing back experimentally, opening his mouth against Spock’s as Spock lets out a small purr of pleasure.
‘Spock,’ Jim mumbles against Spock’s lips when he feels Spock grind down against his thigh, like he can’t help himself. Jim knows he needs to stop this because however much he’s tempted to sleep with his first officer, he still thinks in the long run, it would be a bad idea.
‘I need you,’ Spock murmurs desperately as he gently bites at Jim’s neck and rubs his erection against Jim’s, causing a small gasp to escape Jim’s mouth.
‘Spock, no,’ Jim says, although he feels like he doesn’t mean it as he listens to all the noises Spock is coming out with, including a low growling followed by purring as he sniffs at Jim’s neck.
‘We should stop,’ Jim says weakly as Spock’s hand slides beneath his boxers and grips his cock tightly. ‘Oh, fuck.’
‘T’hy’la,’ Spock murmurs again before leaning down and sealing his mouth to Jim’s in a hungry, deep kiss which makes Jim’s whole body shiver and his toes curl.
It takes everything in Jim to push Spock off him, his muscles straining considering it’s like pushing a car off him, but Spock gets the hint and rolls away, mouth open as he pants, his cock straining against his boxers.
Then Spock is suddenly on him again, like he can’t help himself as he tongue goes deep into Jim’s mouth, stopping him from saying anything. This time Jim feels the panic well up in him as Spock pushes his own boxers to his thighs and attempts to roll Jim over onto his stomach.
‘No,’ Jim says firmly, his hand gripping Spock’s shoulder tightly as he holds him away.
Spock looks at Jim, eyes so dark it borders on feral, before his gaze softens and he shoots Jim an apologetic look before rolling off him again. Spock gets out of bed immediately, and Jim finds his eyes travelling to the Vulcan’s erection which is flushed green and rock hard as he juts out from his body. He is definitely starting to understand why he would go for a Vulcan.
‘I’m sorry,’ Jim offers, knowing it won’t do much. Spock pulls his boxers awkwardly over his cock before walking over to the corner of the room and sitting down, his eyes shutting.
Jim watches Spock meditate for a few minutes and wonders if Spock would be able to tell if he starts jerking himself off under the covers, desperate to find some relief as his heart slows down to its normal pace. He doesn’t want to play with fire, so he turns over, ignoring his own erection in favour of trying to find some sleep.
………..
The next day they get a mission to analyse an un-chartered and uninhabited planet. Starfleet wants samples so they beamed down with several crew to collect said samples, doing it quickly and proficiently considering the terrain is pleasant and not at all hostile. Most of the crew are beamed back up safely, and Jim is collecting his last sample when he suddenly notices something. He squints as he sees several figures moving in the distance, and then all of a sudden his world goes black.
Jim wakes up in a jail cell. He eyes his surroundings suspiciously, looking for any indication of where he is and what’s happened to him. His communicator is gone so he can’t hail the Enterprise and so he sits in the corner of the cell, idly looking around, and waits for something to happen. He hasn’t even seen this particular species so he has no idea what they are capable of. Jim waits and waits until he would actually classify himself as bored rather than worried.
‘Dump him in the one two down from his little boyfriend,’ a balding man says as Jim stands up, watching another man come down the hall, a blue shirted officer slung over his shoulder. His heart starts thumping, wondering if it’s McCoy before he’s dumped roughly on the floor of the cell and Jim sees the familiar pointed ears and upswept eyebrows, and bites his lip nervously.
‘You’re little friend here threatened to kill us unless we brought him to you. It’s very rude. We’re not used to aliens being mean,’ the humanoid says, looking down at the slumped Vulcan in annoyance.
The aliens leave and Jim moves over to the side of the cell closest to Spock, hoping whatever sedative they’d given Spock wasn’t so severe he’d be asleep for a while. ‘Spock, wake up. Come on you stupid Vulcan.’
Spock’s eyes flutter open and Jim sees pure relief flood his features as he takes in Jim, his eyes looking at for any physical abuse.
‘I’m fine,’ Jim says quickly with a reassuring smile. ‘They haven’t even touched me. I’m not sure why I’m here to be honest.’
‘I am unsure too,’ Spock says, his posture one of alert as he looks around his surroundings with curiosity. ‘Have they spoken to you?’
‘Not really, except to moan about you threatening to kill them.’ Jim smiles over at Spock and it softens him for a second before they hear foot steps, and Spock is up and at the bars of his cell immediately, eyes dark and dangerous.
‘Captain,’ a thick, short man says, his face contorted into a smirk as he strolls past Spock’s cage, giving it a wide berth, and coming to stand in front of Jim’s. ‘It’s a pleasure.’
‘I wish I could say the same but I have no idea who or what you are,’ Jim says, trying to remain diplomatic.
‘I apologise,’ the man says, with a hand over his heart. ‘I am Sorkel, a leader of the Berkan race.’
‘James Kirk,’ Jim says with a nod. ‘So, what can I do to get out of here?’
Sorkel looks him up and down before looking over his shoulder at Spock who is watching the interactions carefully, like an overprotective parent watching their child play with someone new.
‘We are a secretive race and we require nothing from the Federation who insist on traipsing about the universe visiting planets they have no right to be on.’
Jim perks up. ‘You’re an unlisted planet, sir, we have a duty to check that any civilisation is well and being treated humanely.’ Jim leaves out the fact they hadn’t noticed any life forms on the planet.
‘So ironic the word humanely comes from the word human considering the way you often treat others on your horrible little planet.’
Jim stiffens, feeling like the air has shifted into hostile without him noticing. It becomes worse when Spock outright growls as Sorkel approaches the cage Jim is in, eyes intense and angry. Jim shoots Spock a surprised look at the noise. ‘We don’t want to cause any fuss, because that would attract attention to our planet, so we’ll reach a compromise.’
‘Fine,’ Jim says, his hand signalling for Spock to calm down. His growling becomes quieter as Jim walks right up the bars so he’s face to face with Sorkel. ‘What is it you want?’
Sorkel smirks before taking a step back and approaching Spock’s cage, but keeping his distance warily. ‘We know you have a duty to report what you found here. To keep you from reporting anything, I’ll keep one of you here and if we even get a sniff that others are coming here, we’ll kill them.’ Sorkel turns to Spock. ‘No offence, Vulcan, but you’re not very good company so we’ll send you back to your little ship and we’ll take care of your captain over there.’
Spock lunges without any warning and Sorkel laughs as Spock snarls, his fingers gripping the metal of the cell so much his fingers are flushing green. Jim actually feels fearful himself as Spock looks like he’s ready to rip them apart given the opportunity.
‘Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of him,’ Sorkel says, walking back toward Jim with a sickly smile. Jim stays calm, trying to ignore the way Spock is prowling around his own cage, eyes lidded heavily as he glares at the men.
‘You think Starfleet won’t want to know where I’ve got to?’ Jim says, raising an amused eyebrow and folding his arms.
Sorkel turns to Spock. ‘He’ll write up a fake report if he wants you to stay alive. Perhaps pinning it on another planet or you could say there was nothing here and it was the climate that ended your life. I do not care but Vulcan,’ Sorkel says, turning to Spock and snapping his fingers to get his attention. ‘Tell them the truth and we will gladly kill him. We’ll make it hurt too, and then send you the pictures of his body.’
Spock’s eyes flash and Jim actually takes a step back in his own cell, feeling slightly fearful of his first officer and grateful the hatred isn’t being aimed toward him.
Sorkel also looks slightly wary. ‘Do you understand? You go back to your ship and claim the climate here ended his life and leave. I’m sure you can alter and manipulate the minor details with ease.’
‘I will not leave him,’ Spock growls, walking to the corner of his cage so he’s as close to Jim as he can get, even though there’s two empty cells separating them.
‘You will, unless you want us to kill him in front of you,’ Sorkel says pleasantly, like he’s telling Spock about the weather.
Jim doesn’t know what to do. He looks over at Spock who still looks like he would rather die himself than leave Jim in the hands of these people. He roots around his brain for an idea, a way out, something he could offer as a compromise and then suddenly he feels something and Spock’s head snaps up to look at him, eyes wide.
Jim frowns, unsure what’s happening until he feels his mind open and suddenly he can feel rage and anger and worry and words, not just feelings. Suddenly he can hear every little thing Spock is thinking. Then he can hear a voice, a whisper, aimed at him.
Jim, get in touching distance of me.
Jim frowns, finding Spock’s voice in his head slightly disconcerting.
‘What are you two doing?’ Sorkel asks, sounding nervous. ‘What are they doing?’ he snaps toward one of the guards who looks just as dumbfounded.
He turns to Sorkel. ‘Allow me to say goodbye to him.’
Sorkel looks suspicious for a beat before nodding toward one of the guards. Jim remains completely calm as they grab him roughly, Spock growling loudly as they lock his hands behind his back and push him to the ground outside Spock’s cage. Spock tries to lash out at the guards before falling to his knees in front of Jim.
‘Can’t I go in?’ Jim asks.
Sorkel laughs. ‘We may be a simple people but we’re not stupid. Say goodbye now and we’ll take you to your new quarters.’
Spock’s hand reaches out of the cage and cups Jim’s cheek. ‘T’hy’la,’ he says softly, looking at Jim like he’s the most perfect thing he’s ever seen. All the loss, the hurt, the complete and utter devastation he’d felt when Jim had woken up without memories seeps through into his mind and Jim’s feels his eyes start to shine with unshed tears at the realization of what Spock is going through. It almost physically hurts.
‘I’m so sorry,’ Jim murmurs quietly, his voice thick with emotion as Spock’s thumb rubs across his cheek.
Then Spock smiles, a true smile, and Jim frowns in complete confusion over seeing Spock smile and the reason behind it. A second later they’re both dematerialising onto the transporter pad, Jim’s hands still tied behind his back as he almost falls forward, Spock’s hand steadying him. Jim looks up in shock.
Spock holds up a communicator. ‘Mr Scott modified this so it was able to send a boosted signal out of their atmosphere and to the ship so they could beam us out.’
‘It was against Starfleet regulations to come after me,’ Jim says with a smile as Spock’s hand quickly drops the communicator and reaches to untie Jim’s hands.
‘I know, but I always come after you.’
Jim smiles. ‘Wow, so that was my first hostage situation. I feel all revved up,’ Jim says, jumping to his feet, adrenaline rushing through him. ‘I could have ended up spending my whole life there with the guy whose name rhymes with snorkel.’
Spock stands up too and faces him, watching Jim move around the transporter pad with excitement as McCoy rushes in to take scans. Jim practically bounces up to McCoy and wraps him in a hug.
‘I was calm,’ Jim says sincerely, pulling away as McCoy busily runs a tricorder over him. ‘I can do this now. I can do anything.’
‘You had a lucky escape. Although, you do find yourself taken by species a lot.’
‘It’s my blue eyes,’ Jim says with a grin as McCoy moves to Spock and checks him. ‘God, I have so much energy. I need to release it or something. Wanna go spar, Bones?’
‘I’m on duty, captain,’ McCoy says pointedly.
‘What do I usually do after hostage situations?’ Jim asks, feeling energized. McCoy looks down, looking almost embarrassed.
Spock walks over and places a hand on Jim’s arm. ‘We normally retire to our quarters.’
Jim slumps as he smiles, understanding Spock means that they go and have a vigorous fuck to get it all out of their systems. There’s almost a moment when he considers going for it until he remembers what happened back on the planet and turns to Spock, eyes curious. ‘How could I feel you back there? I mean, I could hear you. Normally I get small bursts of feelings but I full on felt everything and could hear all your thoughts without contact.’
Spock steps close to him. ‘Since your accident I have closed my mind to you so as to not hurt you with my distress over our situation, but my walls fell when you were threatened, I apologise.’
‘Don’t apologise, it was kinda cool. You used it to our advantage anyway in the end,’ Jim says, moving down to stand next to Spock as McCoy silently leaves the transporter room. ‘Do you always growl?’
‘When you are in danger and I am present, I often growl to warn off people who wish to harm you. I have to implement the strategy far more often that I’d like considering your propensity to get into life threatening situations.’
Jim smirks and gently shoves his shoulder against Spock’s. ‘You must have known that when you married me.’
‘I did, but it does not stop me wishing you would remain on the Enterprise during dangerous away missions.’
‘Sorry,’ Jim says. ‘Wanna go spar?’ Jim asks eagerly, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.
‘If you wish to,’ Spock says with a slight nod as he appraises Jim silently. Jim feels the look all the way down to his toes and his smile falters as he suddenly feels arousal shoot through him. Jim’s cheeks blush ever so slightly.
They eventually fight and Jim knows Spock is being kind to him, like a lion playing with a mouse. Jim is sure Spock could most likely floor him in half a beat but Jim has fun ducking and diving away from Spock’s lunges, and jumping up and down on the spot as he taunts Spock playfully, baiting him into an attack as he ducks away at the last second.
He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet, his hands up when he’s struck my a memory, a new one, and Jim stops suddenly, finding himself light headed. He remembers play fighting with Spock as they wrestle on the floor, all arms and limbs, and then the sudden shift from trying to fight to trying to get the other person’s clothes off as fast as possible so Spock can fuck him into the exercise mat.
Jim makes an excuse to Spock and turns, fleeing from the room quickly, the images flooding back causing him to feel momentarily dizzy. He makes it back to his room as he remembers another flicker of memory, of running to Spock after almost dying, of falling into his arms as the relief and love flooded them both and Spock whispering declarations of love in Vulcan in his ear, promising never to let him go ever again.
Jim lands on the bed, his head thumping painfully as his eyes shine with confused, emotional tears as he tries to wrap his mind around ever loving someone that much. Spock comes in seconds after he does, walking over to the bed and leaning down by Jim, his hand running through his hair with worry. ‘Jim?’
‘I’m OK, honestly.’ Spock curls around him anyway, his arms holding Jim to him comfortingly. Jim allows himself to sink into the strong arms, feelings of protection and reassurance running through his body.
‘I had another couple memories come back,’ Jim mumbles into Spock’s chest.
‘They were distressing?’
‘No, no, they were good memories. One was of us sparring which dissolved into going at it on the gym floor,’ Jim looks up in time to see a small smirk flash across Spock’s lips. ‘The other was me seeing you after a bad away mission. I don’t know what happened but I just clung to you. I was so happy and so relieved. I never thought I’d feel that way about seeing anyone in my life.’
Spock remains silent, hugging Jim so tightly it almost hurts.
End of Part Two
Part Three