for me, fear of standing out is a privilege

[diony]

As you all know, I read LJ extremely irregularly, so it wasn't until yesterday that I came across the complex and often painful discussion about cultural appropriation that's been going on in various journals these last 10 or so days. But when I did I started to read, and then I read, and read, and read some more, and tried my hardest to listen

Comments

[rydra_wong]

(Here via your reply at deepad's.)

Thank you for writing this. It's painfully resonant for me (the fear of getting things wrong and standing out), and revelatory to realize that, yes, the possibility of being able to fit in just by keeping my mouth shut is a form of white privilege all by itself.

[makamu]

I can do little more than second this. This fear and privilege has kept me from engaging this time, when I *should have done*, or so I feel now.

[diony]

Thank you both. It's a good feeling when I write from my heart & it resonates with other people.

'Should' is tricky.

[moondancerdrake]

Well said.

[diony]

Thank you.

re: fear being a privilege

[cija]

I may be misunderstanding you in a couple of ways, but while the ability to keep your head down and blend in is certainly a privilege, the fear of standing out is not. It is, god knows, all too possible to be chronically scared of things that happen to you all the time.

I see the anger that gets expressed when a white person does it wrong, and I am horrified to think of that anger being expressed towards me.One thing that sometimes gets spoken about in these discussions is the fact that many people of color also have to worry about causing offense and getting anger and backlash and contemptuous dismissal when they speak about racism and their own personal experiences to or around their white friends and acquaintances. What I mean to say is, while I fully recognize that having one's shyness and temperament and avoidance of difficult issues respected is a privilege, I feel uncomfortable when these various fears are discussed as something only white people feel--even in the context of privilege, even when these fears are deprecated and

Re: fear being a privilege

[diony]

I think you are misunderstanding me somewhat, but when I reread my post I see a lot of room for misunderstanding in my phrasing, which was definitely not as clear as it could have been. Because yes, I do phrase it as 'being afraid is a privilege' and that's not really what I mean -- in fact, I think I mean the inverse, that being able to _not be afraid_ is the privilege. Absolutely, many people are scared because of their inability to fit in due to race (or a lot of other reasons). The privilege I feel is that I don't have to live in that fear, because I can keep my head down, and being white, middle-class, relatively thin and all sorts of other things I do blend in

[upstart_crow]

Maybe somewhat off topic, and I apologize, but I really would like to hear your thoughts on people not believing you were white when you were growing up. Because a lot of people didn't believe I was white either, and complete strangers still often accost me to question me about my racial background. It's confusing, and frustrating, and sometimes very scary for me, and so far I haven't found anybody with whom to talk about it.

[diony]

No apologies necessary -- I think everything I said is fair game. And I'd be happy to talk to you about it, here or more privately; I'm going to start working on a post about what things were like for me growing up, but it might take a couple of days to finish it, as my personal life has taken a turn for the complex. I hope you'll read it & let me know what you think & about your experience. I've never known anyone else with a similar background either.

Complete strangers accosted me all the time when I was growing up, but when I was 19 I moved to the SF Bay Area of California, and nobody here has ever imagined I was anything other than white.

[upstart_crow]

Thanks much for the reply! :)

I'd love to talk with you a bit more privately. Do you prefer via email or LJ message? It's not that I don't want to talk about my experiences in public, but they're fraught with a lot of confusion for me that has only gotten deeper as the cultural appropriation/racism discussion on LJ has progressed, and I think I need some private space to discuss and think about my whole experience as a (somwehat) dark skinned white person. (My skin's kind of a light to medium olive color and my hair is almost black and my eyes a very dark brown. I also tan a lot during the summer, so for about half of the year I appear to be an even darker olive).

[browngirl]

One of the good things about reading links to the current Big Discussion is finding all these intelligent, well-thought-out, seeking, dynamic, wonderful thoughts committed to text.

I wanted to applaud you for writing this, and to thank you posting it publicly, and to encourage you in your resolution. *cheers you on*

[diony]

Thank you so much!