(I Watch) The Sky Coming Down To Bury Me - Chapter 3
Header and Prologues
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four & Five - Chapter Six, Seven & Eight
Bonus Content
Chapter 3: I Watch All of the Same Parades
He's been waiting for this day for too long. There are even crosses through the days on his calendar, regardless of the fact that he lives his life trying to avoid clichés. Except recently, it's been less about counting down the hours and more about spending time with Brendon and Jon. He has almost a month in New York before he has to fly back; in that time, he's expected to have written half of his dissertation.
Ryan's never been one for packing, he usually makes Spencer do it. But now it's just him, an empty suitcase and a pile of clothes. Most of his clothes are still in New York, but he's acquired some things that he really doesn't want to leave behind.
He's sitting on the bed, trying to fold a pair of trousers so they don't crease in the suitcase, when the buzzer goes. It's Jon - always early and always prepared - and he lets him up. He abandons the trousers because he has an almost identical pair in New York, and goes to fit as many shirts as possible into the case. It doesn't take him long to do, and by the time Jon knocks on his door, Ryan's almost finished packing his clothes.
"Ready to go see the big bad boyfriend?" Ryan laughs and feels bad almost immediately. Spencer's not big or bad, and Ryan's been waiting to see him since he got on the plane nearly three months ago. Jon helps him pack, helps him carry his things to the car, helps him check that everything's turned off and locked up. Ryan tries not to compare Jon's efficiency to Spencer's, but it's easy to do, it's easy to forget that he's going home, not leaving it. If Ryan closes his eyes and talks to Jon, he can hear Spencer's inflection and his gentle tone. He doesn't like it, regardless of how it makes him think of home.
They climb into the car and Ryan tries not to look at his building as they drive away. The drive to the airport is fairly quiet, with Jon navigating the chaotic roads in London. He drives like a proper city driver, not like Ryan, who has been known to let lines of cars out in front of him instead of starting off quickly at a junction.
When they finally get to the airport, Ryan stumbles out of the car. It really is too early for him, but he booked the flight knowing that he'd be able to spend a little time with Spencer when he gets back before the jet lag kicks in. Jon stays with him as he checks in, and even walks him to the security post before they say goodbye, regardless of Ryan telling him that he didn't need to park and that he could leave. They hug awkwardly, because Ryan's never really been good at hugging people. Jon lets his hand slip down to the dip in Ryan's back and Ryan turns his head into his neck, breathing in a little too deeply.
As they let go, a breeze hits Ryan and he's shivering. He closes his eyes for just a second, a moment, then grasps the handle of his duffel bag and walks away. The roped off path is the only thing that keeps him walking in a straight line, his eyes are clouded over. He shuts his eyes again to clear them and feels the tears roll down his cheeks. An old woman who's standing in front of him smiles gently and pats his arm. She looks like she understands. They stand side by side as the line gets shorter and they get closer to the metal detectors. She doesn't say anything to him, or him to her, but the gesture is there. Then she's gone: he's all alone again and it's worse than leaving Jon.
He manages to get through to the airplane, and spends the flight zoning in and out of the movie that's playing on repeat. Ryan doesn't speak to anyone, except to ask for some water from the waitress. The plane lands sooner than he expects and Ryan rushes through baggage. There, standing in front of the main doors, is Spencer. He doesn't know what to say or what to do, but Spencer catches him as he falls and it feels like everything is going to go back to normal.
Ryan doesn't realise he's crying until he feels the wetness of Spencer's coat against his cheek. After a few seconds, he realises that not all of the tears are his. He's never been away from Spencer for longer than a few weeks, and the home sickness hadn't hit him at all until he was home.
Spencer's arms are strong and he's warm. He's everything that Ryan missed and he has no idea how to say that. It seems he doesn't need to, as, slowly, Spencer is pulling away and shuffling them both towards the parking lot. The car isn't exactly how Ryan remembered it, largely because it was actually clean. Ryan tells Spencer this and he laughs at the sentiment, kissing Ryan's ear gently. The drive home is harder than the hours of flying, because Spencer's right there and Ryan's fingers are itching to touch him. It's a strange feeling and Ryan is sure that he'll spend lots of time getting used to it, as he knows that Vicky will insist on taking him out at least two nights in every week that he's in town.
They arrive home and before Ryan can reach across the car to touch Spencer, he's out of the car and grabbing the bags. Ryan follows, confused. It's only when they get into the apartment that Spencer turns to look at him.
"You look a mess." Ryan doesn't bother to retort, because he knows it's true. The dark circles under his eyes that were all too evident before now stand out against his pale skin so much that they are hard to avoid looking at. He doesn't want to think about why they are there, or what he thought about on those sleepless nights. "How did you live three months without me to take care of you?"
"I don't know." Ryan leans into Spencer's body, knowing that the younger man will hold him up. "Take care of me now?" Spencer laughs a little, and Ryan doesn't want to tell him that he was being serious.
"Ok, but first, sleep." They manage to get into the bedroom and the bed without really letting go of each other, which Ryan thinks is some kind of an achievement. As they lie in bed together, all that goes through his head is the list of reasons why he never wants to leave. Halfway through his list, his eyes drift shut and he falls asleep without any trouble for the first time in too long.
**
Spencer works in the day, but that's alright because it means that Ryan can concentrate on writing, or he can see his friends. He only lived in New York for a few weeks before he began his course at Columbia, then he'd gotten a full-time job almost immediately after he'd graduated. He's only just realising that he's seriously missed out on what the city is actually like.
Suffice to say, he can't wait until Brendon arrives in two days. He's already got a list of things they need to do before the New Year's festivities. He wants to take Brendon everywhere that he missed out on by being a resident rather than a tourist. Spencer hasn't asked about the piece of scribbled paper on their fridge, but a few days later Museum of Natural History appears at the bottom of the list. Ryan's pretty sure Spencer understands.
In the next two days, Brendon calls twice, because his mum wants to know that he definitely doesn't need a hotel room and to check with Ryan about all the times for the flights and the stupid little things like needing extra money for food or how much tickets for various attractions cost. The second phone call turns into a conversation that makes him crave the little coffee shop just around the corner from the academy. Ryan shakes his head and finally realises how much he actually misses Brendon. It's a different kind of feeling to when he misses Spencer, but it's still as strong. It's strange how Brendon is slowly becoming his best friend.
When Ryan gets up at half five in the morning to go and pick Brendon up from the airport, the first thing he says is "I must love this motherfucker," and the second is "Oh, ok then." Spencer's awake - because Ryan's not as sneaky as he thinks he is - and he opens his eyes just enough that Ryan can tell he's listening.
"As long as you love me more, I seriously don't care. Go pick up your friend, asshole." He rolls onto his front and continues to mumble into the pillow, "I want to sleep. Like normal people after a long night."
Ryan chuckles to himself and pulls on some shoes. Brendon's seen him less clothed than this, and it's not like there isn't at least one drunken woman hobbling through the streets as he drives through the city. It takes him a while to get to JFK - they live nearer to LaGuardia - but there are so few return flights that it's sort of impossible for Brendon to fly there instead.
He's got the radio blasting in his and Spencer's beat up old car - they'd managed to drive it from Vegas to Queens without stopping for more than toilet breaks. It's probably annoying people as he drives by, because he knows from experience how shitty the windows are in some of these apartments.
By the time he gets to the airport, Brendon's flight has already landed, but he knows that the he'll be standing in Departures, watching his bag go past every ten minutes because that's what he's like at this time in the morning. Ryan used to think Brendon had boundless energy, but then he saw him without Red Bull. Suddenly he made a lot more sense.
That's exactly as Ryan finds Brendon, wrapped up in a too-big hoodie that smells a bit like Jon. But everything that Brendon owns does. Even so, Ryan can't help pulling away from the spider monkey hug a little too quickly, leaving a Brendon with a confused expression. Ryan, despite a first impression of a spiky nature, has always been one to indulge Brendon's misplaced affection.
"Come on, let's see if we can get back before Spencer leaves." They don't talk much over the course of the ride back, letting the radio drown out the early morning silence.
Spencer's making a pot of coffee when they get into the apartment, which is greatly appreciated by the two men. It's just starting to snow outside and this early it's not sunny enough to be winter warm. Spencer shakes Brendon's hand and Brendon grins at Ryan as if he's just been let into a private joke. Ryan raises an eyebrow at Brendon, who takes the cup of coffee that Spencer is offering him. They sit together, making small talk until Spencer has to leave for work, a concept which has to be explained to Brendon more than once. "But its New York," seems to be the basis of his argument and although Ryan can see the benefit of work - to pay bills, buy food, and allow him to go to university - he almost agrees with Brendon. It makes sense, strangely enough.
Brendon and Ryan spend the day in Central Park, because Brendon had always wanted to do so. Ryan sighs at the list of things Brendon might want to see and crosses Piers? off the list.
**
The first night Brendon is in town, he insists that they all go out together. Vicky-T calls half an hour before they are due to go out and says that she's somehow managed to get their names on the lists for VJ's. Apparently Gabe knows people, which surprises both Ryan and Spencer. Brendon's too busy pulling a shirt over his head to take any notice of the two of them.
They get to the club just after Vicky does, because they both know how long it takes from each of their apartments to VJ's. Their names are on the V.I.P. list, which doesn't mean a lot at the club, but at least they get a booth. It's number seven, and it is Gabe favourite booth. The reason why is clear when they reach it to find him strewn over a gangly but attractive man. Another, equally attractive, man is also in the booth, but seems to be unaware of the lovers in the corner and is texting furiously on his Sidekick. Ryan smiles; it's been a while since he's seen one.
Brendon gets quick introductions, as do the two men - Ryland and Alex - and then there are shots arriving at the table. The drinking only gets worse as the evening progresses, and, eventually, Ryan is tricked into dancing by Brendon. Spencer shoos them out, saying that he's quite happy to watch. And he does watch. Ryan can feel his eyes on his back whilst he dances with Brendon, being the other man's puppet. He gets moved and spun and ground on, but that's ok, because Spencer's there and Spencer likes looking. So Ryan creates a display. He lets his jeans ride low and he pulls at his shirt with sweaty hands and he uses Brendon.
About half way into the second song, Brendon realises what's going on. He grins at Ryan and changes the way he moves so that Ryan fits better. It seems easier to show Spencer what he wants to see when Brendon's there to guide him. He's exhausted by the time that they get back to the booth and Spencer leans over to him, grasping his wrist tightly. When he doesn't let go, Ryan looks across and sees a darkness in his eyes that hasn't been present in the past few weeks. Ryan is relieved, because he likes to know that it's him that makes Spencer feel that way. He feels eyes on the two of them and looks over at Vicky, who winks and then proceeds to shamelessly hit on Brendon. Brendon flirts back and soon she's shoving him out of the booth, proclaiming that she's tired and that he's going to take her home, just to be safe. Spencer pointedly doesn't remind her that Brendon doesn't know his way around or the address of the apartment and Vicky doesn't have to say he won't need it.
It appears everything has been sorted between the two of them. Almost immediately after the couple has left the club, Spencer stands, dragging Ryan with him. They both say rushed goodbyes and walk out to catch a taxi home. They don't touch other than Spencer's hand on Ryan's wrist, but Spencer never lets go. Ryan likes when he's like this, because it means that Spencer is in control. He feels more comfortable when it's someone else who makes things work for him. It's a quiet yet hurried walk up the stairs and Ryan starts to wish that Spencer was holding his waist or hand.
As soon as they are in the apartment, however, Spencer lets go and pushes him into the wall. He lets Spencer do it - control his movements, command his body - because he knows that they'll end up in the bedroom. Spencer doesn't think fucking in other parts of the house is very hygienic and Ryan agrees. To a degree.
But they're kissing and that's all Ryan really honestly wants. He can read Spencer like a book when they kiss and it makes him feel better about not being so sure the rest of the time. They never let go as Spencer maneuvers them into the bedroom and onto the bed. Clothes are shed and then they are just two bodies moving together, towards each other.
Afterwards, Ryan curls into Spencer's warm body and kisses his chest. They smile together, lying there until sleep takes them.
**
The next day, Vicky drops Brendon off on her way to work, which is why the three of them are awake at such a stupid time in the morning. Apparently, the bookstore needs some inventory done before they open. Ryan just thinks it's a reason to get away from Gabe and his looks. Usually when Vicky has someone over for the night, Gabe stays at a friend's house and unfortunately for Spencer and Ryan, that house is theirs more often than not.
Ryan puts coffee on in the kitchen and they all gather around the table. Ryan and Spencer are pushed up against each other and Spencer is talking with his mouth pressed against Ryan's shoulder. It's a nice morning; the winter sun is coming in through the window, there's the smell of coffee in the air, and, despite their hangovers, the three of them feel good.
It's a comfortable morning, which leads to a good day. Spencer's got the day free, because it's Saturday, so they wander around the city almost aimlessly. Brendon's got a camera that doesn't look like his and has J.J. written in neon letters on the lens cap, and he's using it to take the typical touristy photographs of the city. It's strange for the other two men to be doing this, as even when they moved from Nevada they never just walked around the city they intended to spend their entire lives in. The snow isn't too heavy on the ground, barely even sludge in the centre. They are wrapped up warm and there aren't too many people on the streets.
They have a quiet night at home, because regardless of the clouds, they've had to wear sunglasses all day. Brendon gets to introduce Spencer to The Little Mermaid, because even though Ryan had insisted and Spencer has two younger sisters, he has never watched it. The three of them sit contentedly on the sofa, before Spencer bids the two friends goodnight. Ryan only stays for another ten minutes before heading to bed himself.
**
Over the next few days, the three of them go out to dinner, to the movies - because England's movie theatres have nothing on New York's - and to bars and clubs. Brendon fits in perfectly with Spencer's friends, because he's just quirky enough to be the life of the party without intruding on anyone else's buzz. Ryan sticks by Spencer's side, not intimidated as such, just more comfortable near him. He smiles at the people that shout hello over the music, and lets Spencer greet those he needs to, as well as the ones he wants to.
The group hasn't got a booth - they aren't Gabe, after all - but that's alright, because Ryan knows that Spencer has been itching to dance all week. They leave Brendon talking with the bartender, as he has a habit of doing, and head towards the small dance floor in the corner of the bar. It's nice to be together in public without other people pulling them away from each other every two seconds. They can be alone in the crowd.
After half an hour, Spencer is dying for a drink, so he slowly pulls away. Ryan ushers him to the bar, nodding when Spencer signals for a drink. He dances on his own for a few minutes, before someone starts dancing behind him. He holds his hand out for his drink without turning around, but just gets a hand. He twists round to see a woman that he doesn't know. Ryan smiles politely, and then looks to the bar. Spencer isn't there, but Brendon is. He's looking at the exit, as are several of the others surrounding him.
Ryan doesn't need to know what happened.
**
Spencer's well aware of the fact that Ryan's always been selfish; he knows why and he accepted it too long ago to remember. But he really wants to believe that Ryan isn't this selfish. He really wants to believe that the sentence that made Brendon's smile drop and his glass smash to the floor of the bar didn't ever slip out.
He's still stood in front of Brendon at the bar. Spencer can feel people staring at the two of them, and he can hear Brendon talking but he can't move. It's only when he looks to Ryan on the dance floor and sees a strange woman wrapped around him. Then he's turning away from Brendon, eyes watering, and walking as quickly as he can from the bar. He bumps into a girl and she looks at him, concerned, holding onto his arm until he pulls it away.
When he gets outside, there's a cab just pulling in across the street. Spencer holds the door for the couple to get out, and then climbs in himself, not bothering to listen to the shouts from Brendon and Ryan. As the cab pulls away, he sees one of them fall into the arms of the other from the window and he can't help thinking that Ryan deserves to be there.
He's shaking as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and he almost doesn't hit the right buttons. Vicky picks up relatively quickly and he doesn't need to say much more than 'He did it, he fucking, he did what I said' for her to understand what he's talking about. She listens to him for a minute or so before saying that he needs to come to her apartment, rather than go home.
It takes a while, but when Spencer gets out of the taxi, Vicky's already waiting outside her apartment block with a cigarette on offer. Spencer takes it from her gratefully, with the biggest smile he can offer. She leans against the wall and lets him smoke, then, when they're finished, she leads him inside. Her hand is warm on his wrist and it's all he can do to wipe away the tears rolling down his face.
Gabe is sitting on the sofa, wringing his hands, when they come in. Spencer sits down on the sofa next to him and lets Gabe envelope him with long arms. He leans into his chest and allows himself to cry. Neither of the others says anything, but Spencer can feel them both next to him, Vicky's hands on his back, Gabe's chin resting on his head.
"How do you know?" Vicky asks once Spencer's sobs have died down. She leans back so that he can sit up properly. He wipes his hands across his face and sighs, settling back into the deep sofa.
"Because I know Ryan." He looks down into his lap, knowing what Vicky's face will look like. But that's not really what she's asking. "Brendon told me. By accident." He sighs again, picking at the skin around his fingernails. "I knew something was up. I knew. I just didn't think it was this." He leans forward, unable to keep himself upright, and lets the sobs rake over his body.
"No-one would think it was this." Gabe wraps an arm over Spencer's shoulders and rubs them gently until he's still once again. "The way he looks at you, Spence. It doesn't make sense."
"It does," Spencer says, through heavy breaths. "He was probably lonely, or sad, or upset and this guy - John - was there. That's just what Ryan's like. He loves me, I know he does. Just… I wasn't there." And that's it. Spencer knows that he's just explained to himself why he's going to forgive Ryan.
**
The next day, too early in the morning for Vicky or Gabe to be awake, Spencer calls the apartment, making a silent plea for Brendon to pick up. When he does, Spencer tells him that he'll be back soon and that he doesn't want to come home to Ryan in last night's clothes. Brendon chuckles a little and says he'll take care of it.
The taxi is cleaner than the one last night, and it smells better too. Spencer takes that as a good sign, because you rarely get a cab which smells good. When he gets back to the apartment, he takes a big breath and taps quickly on the buzzer to let them know that he's there. He doesn't want it to be a surprise when he comes through the door.
Brendon's waiting outside the apartment door when he gets upstairs. "He's in bed. I think you should leave him there for a moment. He's not slept all night and he's only there now because I made him." Spencer smiles lightly at Brendon and touches his shoulder gently. He walks past him, through the main door, dropping his bag onto the sofa and kicking his shoes off. He heads towards the bedroom and lets himself stop in the doorway for just a moment. He breathes in heavily, and then pushes open the door as quickly as he can manage.
There, on Spencer's side of the bed, is Ryan, half curled up under the sheets. As far as he can see, Ryan's eyes are closed, but his hands are moving in twitches. Sleep is the only time when Ryan is able to stop moving, stop thinking, and Spencer knows that he isn't sleeping, even if he is resting. He moves towards the bed, kneeling down in front of Ryan and waiting for him to open his eyes.
"Move over," he says when Ryan finally looks at him. He slips out of his trousers and climbs under the covers. Ryan touches his side gently to see how Spencer reacts. Spencer stays still, propped up against the headboard. Then it's a hand on his stomach, then an arm wrapped around him. Spencer moves his arm so that it isn't trapped under Ryan's body and Ryan lays his head on his chest. He can't bring himself to push Ryan away.
Ryan has wrapped himself around Spencer and it's all Spencer can do to not contort his body so that they're enveloping each other. So he does. When they're comfortable, he tilts his head so that his nose is buried in Ryan's smoky, unwashed hair. Spencer goes to speak, then realises that he has nothing to say to Ryan that he doesn't already know. They'll have that conversation at some point, but now is not that time.
They lie together in silence for a long time, until Brendon knocks on the door with an offer of breakfast. Ryan whines quietly, but Spencer decides that they can't be bad hosts, so they lift each other out of bed and stumble on unsteady legs to the kitchen. Breakfast is already laid out on the table, with what Ryan thinks is the entire contents of the fridge. There is bacon, egg, sausages, toast, baked beans and a jug of coffee, and when they sit down to eat, Brendon gives them both a sheepish grin as an explanation.
It's not a silent meal, that much can be said, but Brendon's rambling and the occasional grunts of Ryan and Spencer can not really be called conversation. They trundle along together until Spencer announces that he's going to take a shower and looks pointedly at Ryan until he half-heartedly mumbles that he'll take one afterwards. Because things seem settled, Brendon begins to tidy away the plates.
"Brendon, go to bed. Seriously. You've been brilliant to me, but you need sleep." As Brendon opens his mouth to protest, Ryan gets up and covers his mouth forcefully. He taps the younger man's chin and pushes him out of the kitchen. He breathes out deeply when he's alone and lets his shoulders sink down. Then, after a moment, he takes the plates that Brendon had already begun to wash and completes the job.
By the time that Spencer comes out of the shower, most of the breakfast plates have been washed and Ryan is trying to remove the scum from around the glass jar that Brendon had made the baked beans in. This is the first time that Ryan has done the dishes since he's arrived back from England; Spencer has either been acting like his mother or they've been out. It's hard to stay at home when friends that he hasn't seen in months are calling and inviting them out.
Spencer leans against the kitchen counter and lets Ryan finish before saying, "The shower's free now," in a tone of voice that Ryan finds it easy to agree with.
**
It's not going back to London that's hard for Ryan, it's not being able to say goodbye properly. Although Vicky's a good friend, she had other commitments and, regardless of her attachment to Brendon, she had refused to take him back to hers for the evening. When Ryan had left in September, they had spent hours lying together, kissing, having lazy sex and just being together. But now they have a guest and Spencer has to work. He agrees to take them to the airport, because their flight is only at twelve, so they can entertain themselves for a few hours. Brendon gets out of the car quickly when Spencer drops them off, saying he'll meet Ryan inside and that there's no hurry.
Spencer laughs at him, because there's not much else between them to say. They had the conversation that they'd both been dreading, and they had sorted their relationship out. Nothing was unfinished. And yet, sitting there together, they both seem like blurs. Each one of them is waiting to say something to the other and is almost completely unable to say it. So they don't. They kiss, and Ryan buries his face into Spencer's neck and breathes deeply. If he could bottle that smell, he would, just so that when Spencer wasn't near, he'd have a little bit of home. He thinks of the hoodie that he managed to pack away in his suitcase when Spencer was making coffee the morning before and he feels a little guilty, because it's Spencer's favourite.
Their goodbyes are fairly stilted, using only that word. There are no 'I love you's because those words seem full of promises and not what it feels like to them. It feels like Ryan had a mid-life crisis that neither of them is talking about and Spencer is playing the role of good housewife. They both hate it, but there's nothing that can be done. Apologies are wasted and they both know that space is what they need.
So, Ryan gets out of the car, grabs his bags, and watches Spencer drive off. He gets inside and Brendon is standing near the main entrance sipping a cup of coffee with another one outstretched. They wait together.
**
Getting back into England is surreal. They land, and it's too dark for Ryan to see the fields underneath, like he could when he flew in the first time. Brendon's reading some book that he picked up in duty free and he's trying to finish it before they land, so Ryan has no-one to speak to and nothing to say. But he wants to do something to keep his mind off who's waiting to pick them up. Brendon had called Singer to see where she was, but apparently she and Cash had gone back to Nevada for Christmas. Jon was the only person they knew that had a car and could come to the airport to pick them up. So Ryan hadn't told Spencer, and had hoped that Brendon hadn't either. Brendon wasn't stupid, after all.
Jon isn't waiting in the lobby for them when they come from Arrivals, and when Brendon calls he says he's going to be late. Ryan doesn't say anything, but he does look at him in a way that makes him sigh and shrug. They get coffee and sit and wait for him. It's too late for the traffic to be bad, but they still know that they'll be waiting for a while. Jon's never late unless he has a reason to be late. Christmas break isn't over, but the techs are already working.
It's almost two hours before Jon arrives, covered in wood chips and rubbing at his eyes. Brendon takes his keys and gets his bags from under the table. They all say hello, and Brendon drives back to Ryan's apartment. Even though he's never needed it, Ryan does have a parking space which is attached to the flat. They all climb the stairs to the apartment together and once they get upstairs, the three of them fall asleep on the bed.
When Ryan wakes up, he's pressed against Brendon's back and has been absent mindedly mouthing at his shoulder through his t-shirt. He's woken up with Spencer like this many times before, and it's comforting that he can do the same around Brendon. He looks around at the room and sees the door open. He was sure he had shut it when they had fallen into bed.
As he gets up, he can see Jon sitting at the desk by the window. There's a mug in his hands, but it isn't steaming. Ryan doesn't know whether that means its gone cold or whether it's empty. He goes back to bed.
Chapter Four & Five
Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four & Five - Chapter Six, Seven & Eight
Bonus Content
Chapter 3: I Watch All of the Same Parades
He's been waiting for this day for too long. There are even crosses through the days on his calendar, regardless of the fact that he lives his life trying to avoid clichés. Except recently, it's been less about counting down the hours and more about spending time with Brendon and Jon. He has almost a month in New York before he has to fly back; in that time, he's expected to have written half of his dissertation.
Ryan's never been one for packing, he usually makes Spencer do it. But now it's just him, an empty suitcase and a pile of clothes. Most of his clothes are still in New York, but he's acquired some things that he really doesn't want to leave behind.
He's sitting on the bed, trying to fold a pair of trousers so they don't crease in the suitcase, when the buzzer goes. It's Jon - always early and always prepared - and he lets him up. He abandons the trousers because he has an almost identical pair in New York, and goes to fit as many shirts as possible into the case. It doesn't take him long to do, and by the time Jon knocks on his door, Ryan's almost finished packing his clothes.
"Ready to go see the big bad boyfriend?" Ryan laughs and feels bad almost immediately. Spencer's not big or bad, and Ryan's been waiting to see him since he got on the plane nearly three months ago. Jon helps him pack, helps him carry his things to the car, helps him check that everything's turned off and locked up. Ryan tries not to compare Jon's efficiency to Spencer's, but it's easy to do, it's easy to forget that he's going home, not leaving it. If Ryan closes his eyes and talks to Jon, he can hear Spencer's inflection and his gentle tone. He doesn't like it, regardless of how it makes him think of home.
They climb into the car and Ryan tries not to look at his building as they drive away. The drive to the airport is fairly quiet, with Jon navigating the chaotic roads in London. He drives like a proper city driver, not like Ryan, who has been known to let lines of cars out in front of him instead of starting off quickly at a junction.
When they finally get to the airport, Ryan stumbles out of the car. It really is too early for him, but he booked the flight knowing that he'd be able to spend a little time with Spencer when he gets back before the jet lag kicks in. Jon stays with him as he checks in, and even walks him to the security post before they say goodbye, regardless of Ryan telling him that he didn't need to park and that he could leave. They hug awkwardly, because Ryan's never really been good at hugging people. Jon lets his hand slip down to the dip in Ryan's back and Ryan turns his head into his neck, breathing in a little too deeply.
As they let go, a breeze hits Ryan and he's shivering. He closes his eyes for just a second, a moment, then grasps the handle of his duffel bag and walks away. The roped off path is the only thing that keeps him walking in a straight line, his eyes are clouded over. He shuts his eyes again to clear them and feels the tears roll down his cheeks. An old woman who's standing in front of him smiles gently and pats his arm. She looks like she understands. They stand side by side as the line gets shorter and they get closer to the metal detectors. She doesn't say anything to him, or him to her, but the gesture is there. Then she's gone: he's all alone again and it's worse than leaving Jon.
He manages to get through to the airplane, and spends the flight zoning in and out of the movie that's playing on repeat. Ryan doesn't speak to anyone, except to ask for some water from the waitress. The plane lands sooner than he expects and Ryan rushes through baggage. There, standing in front of the main doors, is Spencer. He doesn't know what to say or what to do, but Spencer catches him as he falls and it feels like everything is going to go back to normal.
Ryan doesn't realise he's crying until he feels the wetness of Spencer's coat against his cheek. After a few seconds, he realises that not all of the tears are his. He's never been away from Spencer for longer than a few weeks, and the home sickness hadn't hit him at all until he was home.
Spencer's arms are strong and he's warm. He's everything that Ryan missed and he has no idea how to say that. It seems he doesn't need to, as, slowly, Spencer is pulling away and shuffling them both towards the parking lot. The car isn't exactly how Ryan remembered it, largely because it was actually clean. Ryan tells Spencer this and he laughs at the sentiment, kissing Ryan's ear gently. The drive home is harder than the hours of flying, because Spencer's right there and Ryan's fingers are itching to touch him. It's a strange feeling and Ryan is sure that he'll spend lots of time getting used to it, as he knows that Vicky will insist on taking him out at least two nights in every week that he's in town.
They arrive home and before Ryan can reach across the car to touch Spencer, he's out of the car and grabbing the bags. Ryan follows, confused. It's only when they get into the apartment that Spencer turns to look at him.
"You look a mess." Ryan doesn't bother to retort, because he knows it's true. The dark circles under his eyes that were all too evident before now stand out against his pale skin so much that they are hard to avoid looking at. He doesn't want to think about why they are there, or what he thought about on those sleepless nights. "How did you live three months without me to take care of you?"
"I don't know." Ryan leans into Spencer's body, knowing that the younger man will hold him up. "Take care of me now?" Spencer laughs a little, and Ryan doesn't want to tell him that he was being serious.
"Ok, but first, sleep." They manage to get into the bedroom and the bed without really letting go of each other, which Ryan thinks is some kind of an achievement. As they lie in bed together, all that goes through his head is the list of reasons why he never wants to leave. Halfway through his list, his eyes drift shut and he falls asleep without any trouble for the first time in too long.
**
Spencer works in the day, but that's alright because it means that Ryan can concentrate on writing, or he can see his friends. He only lived in New York for a few weeks before he began his course at Columbia, then he'd gotten a full-time job almost immediately after he'd graduated. He's only just realising that he's seriously missed out on what the city is actually like.
Suffice to say, he can't wait until Brendon arrives in two days. He's already got a list of things they need to do before the New Year's festivities. He wants to take Brendon everywhere that he missed out on by being a resident rather than a tourist. Spencer hasn't asked about the piece of scribbled paper on their fridge, but a few days later Museum of Natural History appears at the bottom of the list. Ryan's pretty sure Spencer understands.
In the next two days, Brendon calls twice, because his mum wants to know that he definitely doesn't need a hotel room and to check with Ryan about all the times for the flights and the stupid little things like needing extra money for food or how much tickets for various attractions cost. The second phone call turns into a conversation that makes him crave the little coffee shop just around the corner from the academy. Ryan shakes his head and finally realises how much he actually misses Brendon. It's a different kind of feeling to when he misses Spencer, but it's still as strong. It's strange how Brendon is slowly becoming his best friend.
When Ryan gets up at half five in the morning to go and pick Brendon up from the airport, the first thing he says is "I must love this motherfucker," and the second is "Oh, ok then." Spencer's awake - because Ryan's not as sneaky as he thinks he is - and he opens his eyes just enough that Ryan can tell he's listening.
"As long as you love me more, I seriously don't care. Go pick up your friend, asshole." He rolls onto his front and continues to mumble into the pillow, "I want to sleep. Like normal people after a long night."
Ryan chuckles to himself and pulls on some shoes. Brendon's seen him less clothed than this, and it's not like there isn't at least one drunken woman hobbling through the streets as he drives through the city. It takes him a while to get to JFK - they live nearer to LaGuardia - but there are so few return flights that it's sort of impossible for Brendon to fly there instead.
He's got the radio blasting in his and Spencer's beat up old car - they'd managed to drive it from Vegas to Queens without stopping for more than toilet breaks. It's probably annoying people as he drives by, because he knows from experience how shitty the windows are in some of these apartments.
By the time he gets to the airport, Brendon's flight has already landed, but he knows that the he'll be standing in Departures, watching his bag go past every ten minutes because that's what he's like at this time in the morning. Ryan used to think Brendon had boundless energy, but then he saw him without Red Bull. Suddenly he made a lot more sense.
That's exactly as Ryan finds Brendon, wrapped up in a too-big hoodie that smells a bit like Jon. But everything that Brendon owns does. Even so, Ryan can't help pulling away from the spider monkey hug a little too quickly, leaving a Brendon with a confused expression. Ryan, despite a first impression of a spiky nature, has always been one to indulge Brendon's misplaced affection.
"Come on, let's see if we can get back before Spencer leaves." They don't talk much over the course of the ride back, letting the radio drown out the early morning silence.
Spencer's making a pot of coffee when they get into the apartment, which is greatly appreciated by the two men. It's just starting to snow outside and this early it's not sunny enough to be winter warm. Spencer shakes Brendon's hand and Brendon grins at Ryan as if he's just been let into a private joke. Ryan raises an eyebrow at Brendon, who takes the cup of coffee that Spencer is offering him. They sit together, making small talk until Spencer has to leave for work, a concept which has to be explained to Brendon more than once. "But its New York," seems to be the basis of his argument and although Ryan can see the benefit of work - to pay bills, buy food, and allow him to go to university - he almost agrees with Brendon. It makes sense, strangely enough.
Brendon and Ryan spend the day in Central Park, because Brendon had always wanted to do so. Ryan sighs at the list of things Brendon might want to see and crosses Piers? off the list.
**
The first night Brendon is in town, he insists that they all go out together. Vicky-T calls half an hour before they are due to go out and says that she's somehow managed to get their names on the lists for VJ's. Apparently Gabe knows people, which surprises both Ryan and Spencer. Brendon's too busy pulling a shirt over his head to take any notice of the two of them.
They get to the club just after Vicky does, because they both know how long it takes from each of their apartments to VJ's. Their names are on the V.I.P. list, which doesn't mean a lot at the club, but at least they get a booth. It's number seven, and it is Gabe favourite booth. The reason why is clear when they reach it to find him strewn over a gangly but attractive man. Another, equally attractive, man is also in the booth, but seems to be unaware of the lovers in the corner and is texting furiously on his Sidekick. Ryan smiles; it's been a while since he's seen one.
Brendon gets quick introductions, as do the two men - Ryland and Alex - and then there are shots arriving at the table. The drinking only gets worse as the evening progresses, and, eventually, Ryan is tricked into dancing by Brendon. Spencer shoos them out, saying that he's quite happy to watch. And he does watch. Ryan can feel his eyes on his back whilst he dances with Brendon, being the other man's puppet. He gets moved and spun and ground on, but that's ok, because Spencer's there and Spencer likes looking. So Ryan creates a display. He lets his jeans ride low and he pulls at his shirt with sweaty hands and he uses Brendon.
About half way into the second song, Brendon realises what's going on. He grins at Ryan and changes the way he moves so that Ryan fits better. It seems easier to show Spencer what he wants to see when Brendon's there to guide him. He's exhausted by the time that they get back to the booth and Spencer leans over to him, grasping his wrist tightly. When he doesn't let go, Ryan looks across and sees a darkness in his eyes that hasn't been present in the past few weeks. Ryan is relieved, because he likes to know that it's him that makes Spencer feel that way. He feels eyes on the two of them and looks over at Vicky, who winks and then proceeds to shamelessly hit on Brendon. Brendon flirts back and soon she's shoving him out of the booth, proclaiming that she's tired and that he's going to take her home, just to be safe. Spencer pointedly doesn't remind her that Brendon doesn't know his way around or the address of the apartment and Vicky doesn't have to say he won't need it.
It appears everything has been sorted between the two of them. Almost immediately after the couple has left the club, Spencer stands, dragging Ryan with him. They both say rushed goodbyes and walk out to catch a taxi home. They don't touch other than Spencer's hand on Ryan's wrist, but Spencer never lets go. Ryan likes when he's like this, because it means that Spencer is in control. He feels more comfortable when it's someone else who makes things work for him. It's a quiet yet hurried walk up the stairs and Ryan starts to wish that Spencer was holding his waist or hand.
As soon as they are in the apartment, however, Spencer lets go and pushes him into the wall. He lets Spencer do it - control his movements, command his body - because he knows that they'll end up in the bedroom. Spencer doesn't think fucking in other parts of the house is very hygienic and Ryan agrees. To a degree.
But they're kissing and that's all Ryan really honestly wants. He can read Spencer like a book when they kiss and it makes him feel better about not being so sure the rest of the time. They never let go as Spencer maneuvers them into the bedroom and onto the bed. Clothes are shed and then they are just two bodies moving together, towards each other.
Afterwards, Ryan curls into Spencer's warm body and kisses his chest. They smile together, lying there until sleep takes them.
**
The next day, Vicky drops Brendon off on her way to work, which is why the three of them are awake at such a stupid time in the morning. Apparently, the bookstore needs some inventory done before they open. Ryan just thinks it's a reason to get away from Gabe and his looks. Usually when Vicky has someone over for the night, Gabe stays at a friend's house and unfortunately for Spencer and Ryan, that house is theirs more often than not.
Ryan puts coffee on in the kitchen and they all gather around the table. Ryan and Spencer are pushed up against each other and Spencer is talking with his mouth pressed against Ryan's shoulder. It's a nice morning; the winter sun is coming in through the window, there's the smell of coffee in the air, and, despite their hangovers, the three of them feel good.
It's a comfortable morning, which leads to a good day. Spencer's got the day free, because it's Saturday, so they wander around the city almost aimlessly. Brendon's got a camera that doesn't look like his and has J.J. written in neon letters on the lens cap, and he's using it to take the typical touristy photographs of the city. It's strange for the other two men to be doing this, as even when they moved from Nevada they never just walked around the city they intended to spend their entire lives in. The snow isn't too heavy on the ground, barely even sludge in the centre. They are wrapped up warm and there aren't too many people on the streets.
They have a quiet night at home, because regardless of the clouds, they've had to wear sunglasses all day. Brendon gets to introduce Spencer to The Little Mermaid, because even though Ryan had insisted and Spencer has two younger sisters, he has never watched it. The three of them sit contentedly on the sofa, before Spencer bids the two friends goodnight. Ryan only stays for another ten minutes before heading to bed himself.
**
Over the next few days, the three of them go out to dinner, to the movies - because England's movie theatres have nothing on New York's - and to bars and clubs. Brendon fits in perfectly with Spencer's friends, because he's just quirky enough to be the life of the party without intruding on anyone else's buzz. Ryan sticks by Spencer's side, not intimidated as such, just more comfortable near him. He smiles at the people that shout hello over the music, and lets Spencer greet those he needs to, as well as the ones he wants to.
The group hasn't got a booth - they aren't Gabe, after all - but that's alright, because Ryan knows that Spencer has been itching to dance all week. They leave Brendon talking with the bartender, as he has a habit of doing, and head towards the small dance floor in the corner of the bar. It's nice to be together in public without other people pulling them away from each other every two seconds. They can be alone in the crowd.
After half an hour, Spencer is dying for a drink, so he slowly pulls away. Ryan ushers him to the bar, nodding when Spencer signals for a drink. He dances on his own for a few minutes, before someone starts dancing behind him. He holds his hand out for his drink without turning around, but just gets a hand. He twists round to see a woman that he doesn't know. Ryan smiles politely, and then looks to the bar. Spencer isn't there, but Brendon is. He's looking at the exit, as are several of the others surrounding him.
Ryan doesn't need to know what happened.
**
Spencer's well aware of the fact that Ryan's always been selfish; he knows why and he accepted it too long ago to remember. But he really wants to believe that Ryan isn't this selfish. He really wants to believe that the sentence that made Brendon's smile drop and his glass smash to the floor of the bar didn't ever slip out.
He's still stood in front of Brendon at the bar. Spencer can feel people staring at the two of them, and he can hear Brendon talking but he can't move. It's only when he looks to Ryan on the dance floor and sees a strange woman wrapped around him. Then he's turning away from Brendon, eyes watering, and walking as quickly as he can from the bar. He bumps into a girl and she looks at him, concerned, holding onto his arm until he pulls it away.
When he gets outside, there's a cab just pulling in across the street. Spencer holds the door for the couple to get out, and then climbs in himself, not bothering to listen to the shouts from Brendon and Ryan. As the cab pulls away, he sees one of them fall into the arms of the other from the window and he can't help thinking that Ryan deserves to be there.
He's shaking as he pulls his phone out of his pocket and he almost doesn't hit the right buttons. Vicky picks up relatively quickly and he doesn't need to say much more than 'He did it, he fucking, he did what I said' for her to understand what he's talking about. She listens to him for a minute or so before saying that he needs to come to her apartment, rather than go home.
It takes a while, but when Spencer gets out of the taxi, Vicky's already waiting outside her apartment block with a cigarette on offer. Spencer takes it from her gratefully, with the biggest smile he can offer. She leans against the wall and lets him smoke, then, when they're finished, she leads him inside. Her hand is warm on his wrist and it's all he can do to wipe away the tears rolling down his face.
Gabe is sitting on the sofa, wringing his hands, when they come in. Spencer sits down on the sofa next to him and lets Gabe envelope him with long arms. He leans into his chest and allows himself to cry. Neither of the others says anything, but Spencer can feel them both next to him, Vicky's hands on his back, Gabe's chin resting on his head.
"How do you know?" Vicky asks once Spencer's sobs have died down. She leans back so that he can sit up properly. He wipes his hands across his face and sighs, settling back into the deep sofa.
"Because I know Ryan." He looks down into his lap, knowing what Vicky's face will look like. But that's not really what she's asking. "Brendon told me. By accident." He sighs again, picking at the skin around his fingernails. "I knew something was up. I knew. I just didn't think it was this." He leans forward, unable to keep himself upright, and lets the sobs rake over his body.
"No-one would think it was this." Gabe wraps an arm over Spencer's shoulders and rubs them gently until he's still once again. "The way he looks at you, Spence. It doesn't make sense."
"It does," Spencer says, through heavy breaths. "He was probably lonely, or sad, or upset and this guy - John - was there. That's just what Ryan's like. He loves me, I know he does. Just… I wasn't there." And that's it. Spencer knows that he's just explained to himself why he's going to forgive Ryan.
**
The next day, too early in the morning for Vicky or Gabe to be awake, Spencer calls the apartment, making a silent plea for Brendon to pick up. When he does, Spencer tells him that he'll be back soon and that he doesn't want to come home to Ryan in last night's clothes. Brendon chuckles a little and says he'll take care of it.
The taxi is cleaner than the one last night, and it smells better too. Spencer takes that as a good sign, because you rarely get a cab which smells good. When he gets back to the apartment, he takes a big breath and taps quickly on the buzzer to let them know that he's there. He doesn't want it to be a surprise when he comes through the door.
Brendon's waiting outside the apartment door when he gets upstairs. "He's in bed. I think you should leave him there for a moment. He's not slept all night and he's only there now because I made him." Spencer smiles lightly at Brendon and touches his shoulder gently. He walks past him, through the main door, dropping his bag onto the sofa and kicking his shoes off. He heads towards the bedroom and lets himself stop in the doorway for just a moment. He breathes in heavily, and then pushes open the door as quickly as he can manage.
There, on Spencer's side of the bed, is Ryan, half curled up under the sheets. As far as he can see, Ryan's eyes are closed, but his hands are moving in twitches. Sleep is the only time when Ryan is able to stop moving, stop thinking, and Spencer knows that he isn't sleeping, even if he is resting. He moves towards the bed, kneeling down in front of Ryan and waiting for him to open his eyes.
"Move over," he says when Ryan finally looks at him. He slips out of his trousers and climbs under the covers. Ryan touches his side gently to see how Spencer reacts. Spencer stays still, propped up against the headboard. Then it's a hand on his stomach, then an arm wrapped around him. Spencer moves his arm so that it isn't trapped under Ryan's body and Ryan lays his head on his chest. He can't bring himself to push Ryan away.
Ryan has wrapped himself around Spencer and it's all Spencer can do to not contort his body so that they're enveloping each other. So he does. When they're comfortable, he tilts his head so that his nose is buried in Ryan's smoky, unwashed hair. Spencer goes to speak, then realises that he has nothing to say to Ryan that he doesn't already know. They'll have that conversation at some point, but now is not that time.
They lie together in silence for a long time, until Brendon knocks on the door with an offer of breakfast. Ryan whines quietly, but Spencer decides that they can't be bad hosts, so they lift each other out of bed and stumble on unsteady legs to the kitchen. Breakfast is already laid out on the table, with what Ryan thinks is the entire contents of the fridge. There is bacon, egg, sausages, toast, baked beans and a jug of coffee, and when they sit down to eat, Brendon gives them both a sheepish grin as an explanation.
It's not a silent meal, that much can be said, but Brendon's rambling and the occasional grunts of Ryan and Spencer can not really be called conversation. They trundle along together until Spencer announces that he's going to take a shower and looks pointedly at Ryan until he half-heartedly mumbles that he'll take one afterwards. Because things seem settled, Brendon begins to tidy away the plates.
"Brendon, go to bed. Seriously. You've been brilliant to me, but you need sleep." As Brendon opens his mouth to protest, Ryan gets up and covers his mouth forcefully. He taps the younger man's chin and pushes him out of the kitchen. He breathes out deeply when he's alone and lets his shoulders sink down. Then, after a moment, he takes the plates that Brendon had already begun to wash and completes the job.
By the time that Spencer comes out of the shower, most of the breakfast plates have been washed and Ryan is trying to remove the scum from around the glass jar that Brendon had made the baked beans in. This is the first time that Ryan has done the dishes since he's arrived back from England; Spencer has either been acting like his mother or they've been out. It's hard to stay at home when friends that he hasn't seen in months are calling and inviting them out.
Spencer leans against the kitchen counter and lets Ryan finish before saying, "The shower's free now," in a tone of voice that Ryan finds it easy to agree with.
**
It's not going back to London that's hard for Ryan, it's not being able to say goodbye properly. Although Vicky's a good friend, she had other commitments and, regardless of her attachment to Brendon, she had refused to take him back to hers for the evening. When Ryan had left in September, they had spent hours lying together, kissing, having lazy sex and just being together. But now they have a guest and Spencer has to work. He agrees to take them to the airport, because their flight is only at twelve, so they can entertain themselves for a few hours. Brendon gets out of the car quickly when Spencer drops them off, saying he'll meet Ryan inside and that there's no hurry.
Spencer laughs at him, because there's not much else between them to say. They had the conversation that they'd both been dreading, and they had sorted their relationship out. Nothing was unfinished. And yet, sitting there together, they both seem like blurs. Each one of them is waiting to say something to the other and is almost completely unable to say it. So they don't. They kiss, and Ryan buries his face into Spencer's neck and breathes deeply. If he could bottle that smell, he would, just so that when Spencer wasn't near, he'd have a little bit of home. He thinks of the hoodie that he managed to pack away in his suitcase when Spencer was making coffee the morning before and he feels a little guilty, because it's Spencer's favourite.
Their goodbyes are fairly stilted, using only that word. There are no 'I love you's because those words seem full of promises and not what it feels like to them. It feels like Ryan had a mid-life crisis that neither of them is talking about and Spencer is playing the role of good housewife. They both hate it, but there's nothing that can be done. Apologies are wasted and they both know that space is what they need.
So, Ryan gets out of the car, grabs his bags, and watches Spencer drive off. He gets inside and Brendon is standing near the main entrance sipping a cup of coffee with another one outstretched. They wait together.
**
Getting back into England is surreal. They land, and it's too dark for Ryan to see the fields underneath, like he could when he flew in the first time. Brendon's reading some book that he picked up in duty free and he's trying to finish it before they land, so Ryan has no-one to speak to and nothing to say. But he wants to do something to keep his mind off who's waiting to pick them up. Brendon had called Singer to see where she was, but apparently she and Cash had gone back to Nevada for Christmas. Jon was the only person they knew that had a car and could come to the airport to pick them up. So Ryan hadn't told Spencer, and had hoped that Brendon hadn't either. Brendon wasn't stupid, after all.
Jon isn't waiting in the lobby for them when they come from Arrivals, and when Brendon calls he says he's going to be late. Ryan doesn't say anything, but he does look at him in a way that makes him sigh and shrug. They get coffee and sit and wait for him. It's too late for the traffic to be bad, but they still know that they'll be waiting for a while. Jon's never late unless he has a reason to be late. Christmas break isn't over, but the techs are already working.
It's almost two hours before Jon arrives, covered in wood chips and rubbing at his eyes. Brendon takes his keys and gets his bags from under the table. They all say hello, and Brendon drives back to Ryan's apartment. Even though he's never needed it, Ryan does have a parking space which is attached to the flat. They all climb the stairs to the apartment together and once they get upstairs, the three of them fall asleep on the bed.
When Ryan wakes up, he's pressed against Brendon's back and has been absent mindedly mouthing at his shoulder through his t-shirt. He's woken up with Spencer like this many times before, and it's comforting that he can do the same around Brendon. He looks around at the room and sees the door open. He was sure he had shut it when they had fallen into bed.
As he gets up, he can see Jon sitting at the desk by the window. There's a mug in his hands, but it isn't steaming. Ryan doesn't know whether that means its gone cold or whether it's empty. He goes back to bed.
Chapter Four & Five