heart in my hand (3/3)

[dowisdom]

1 | 2

~*~*~*~

“You’re not even inhaling it,” Baekhyun pointed out before removing the joint from Chanyeol’s possession. “Don’t waste this stuff, man.”

Chanyeol coughed a bit as the rest of the smoke blew out from his lips and ducked his head shyly, muttering, “Sorry.”

Kris liked Chanyeol, he was a fucking hilarious kid and an awesome basketball player, but he wished he wasn’t here right now. Not because he knew Baekhyun was going inevitable bring up Junmyeon at some point (everyone but she basically already knew he was in fucking love with her anyway), and not because he was annoying or wasting the weed or anything like that. It was because he could kind of see a hint of himself in Chanyeol, and not in a good way.

The way the kid basically trailed after Baekhyun like a puppy dog, the way he hung onto her every word - maybe Kris was just projecting his own pathetic traits onto someone else to make himself feel better, but it seemed as though Chanyeol was rather smitten by Miss Byun. Too bad she was gay as hell, they would’ve made a pretty cute couple, Kris thought.

“So how’s the whole Junmyeon situation?” Baekhyun asked, just like Kris predicted she would.

He took a drag before just blatantly stating, “We fucked last night?”

“Last night?” Baekhyun’s eyes widened in shock. “Fuck, you actually did it?”

“You didn’t think I would?” Kris questioned, genuinely curious.

“You’re too fucking pussy to even tell her how you feel,” Baekhyun reminded him, “so, no, I didn’t actually think you’d have the balls to fuck her, Kris.”

“So you’re with Junmyeon-noona now?” Chanyeol asked curiously, a bit out of the loop about the situation but clearly wanting to be in on the conversation.

“Nope,” Kris answered honestly.

“Oh.” Chanyeol looked confused.

“Well, congratulations,” Baekhyun scoffed, raising the joint in a mocking cheers gesture.

“Fuck you,” Kris muttered, really not in the mood for her sass right now.

“I even pointed out how fucked up it was for her to ask you to do that,” Baekhyun reminded him, “so don’t get all grouchy at me over this shit.”

“Wait, what exactly did she ask you to do?” Chanyeol wondered, clearly even more lost about everything now.

“She asked Kris to fuck her basically just because she was tired of being a virgin,” Baekhyun explained to him nonchalantly, “and he agreed like a fucking idiot.”

“Junmyeon asked you to do that?” Chanyeol seemed shocked at the idea of sweet, kind little Junmyeon asking for such a favor.

“Yes,” Kris answered shortly, then turned to Baekhyun and glared at her. “Quit making Junmyeon sound so terrible for this, you know she’s not like that.”

“Like what?” Baekhyun challenged.

“Like...you’re making her sound like a slut and a bitch,” Kris said angrily, “but that couldn’t be further from what she’s actually like.”

“I never used either of those words to describe her,” Baekhyun bit back, “so maybe you should think about why exactly those words came to /your/ own mind, Kris.”

“Fuck you, Baekhyun,” Kris spat at her, getting up from his spot of the ground to leave.

“You know I don’t think that way about Junmyeon,” Baekhyun said quickly before he started walking away. “But /fuck/, Kris this girl is tearing you the fuck up. She always has been and I fucking hate seeing you this way, is all. You don’t deserve this, Kris...”

“Trying to turn me against her isn’t going to help,” he replied, defeated. “Trust me, Baek, I wish I could hate her. I wish I thought she was a slutty bitch who I didn’t want to bother with anymore, but that’s not fucking case and it never fucking will be. You and I both fucking know that.”

Baekhyun sighed and dropped her head, feeling defeated as well. Kris knew she just wanted to help, wanted to be there for him as a friend, and he loved her for that. But all this Junmyeon shit wasn’t that easy, it never had been.

Kris left a frustrated Baekhyun and an utterly perplexed Chanyeol at their place under the big willow tree, making his way back to his house while trying to figure out what the fuck he was going to do tomorrow at school when he had to face Junmyeon.

~*~*~*~

Junmyeon took a deep breath and glanced down the hall once again, trying to spot a certain towering figure in the midst of all the other students scattering around.

Her hands were shaking a little bit, but she knew she had to do this.

After spending the rest of the agonizing weekend after her little Friday night get together with Kris, she sorted through a mess of emotions and feelings, shed a lot of tears and pulled out a lot of hairs as a result of her frustration. At one point she even broke down and admitted everything to her mother.

“Did I already add salt to the stew?” her mom had asked simply from the other side of the kitchen when they had been preparing dinner together, chopping more vegetables for the pot while Junmyeon stirred it slowly over the fire.

Junmyeon hadn’t wanted to respond, considering she’d began crying silently since she couldn’t stop these stupid fucking tears from coming.

“Jun, honey?” her mom prompted, and Junmyeon quickly tried to take a deep breath to help calm herself down.

“Yeah,” she answered in what she tried to force to be a steady voice, but she knew it sounded thick and chocked.

“Junmyeon,” her mom said, suddenly concerned. Junmyeon heard her set the knife down and then a warm hand was placed on her shoulder, forcing Junmyeon to look her mother in the face. “Baby, what’s wrong?” her mom asked, reaching up and wiping the tears from her face, looking so utterly upset and worried about her daughter.

“I...” Junmyeon didn’t even know what to say. “I fucked everything up, Mom.”

Her mom hugged Junmyeon against her chest, rubbing soothing circles into her back to try and calm her down before Junmyeon spilled everything.

It was…hard for Junmyeon to admit what had happened between her and Kris to her mom. As close as they were, as much as Junmyeon considered her mother to be one of her best friends…she was still her mom. Junmyeon didn’t want her to be disappointed with her, but at that moment, all she wanted was some motherly advice, and so the words just flowed.

“These aren’t the sort of feelings you keep trapped inside of you, sweetie,” her mom had advised as Junmyeon wiped at her sniffling nose. “I’ve seen people go crazy over keeping these sorts of things in. Because when you let it out...if you just let Kris know how you feel, then at least you’ll get an answer. He’ll either reject you, and yeah, that’ll suck. Or you never know, he might surprise you. But either way...not being honest about these sorts of things is never the answer, because you’ll never know what could have been. And that’s what drives people mad.”

So Junmyeon was in love with Kris. It was rather simple, and she was almost surprised she hadn’t realized this earlier. Thinking back to all the things they’d been through together, all the time they’d spent attached to each other’s hips…it wasn’t really that much of a shock when she realized she’d fallen for him. And yeah, maybe it took her absurd request for him to take her virginity to make her realize that, but at least she’d finally realized it.

And she wasn’t going to just ignore it, dammit. If she hadn’t already ruined their friendship with what had happened between them on Friday night, then this would surely do it. And as much as that would fucking suck, as much as she didn’t want to lose Kris, like her mom said, she couldn’t just keep these feelings contained.

She glanced at the clock on her phone, seeing how much time was left until first period started. Only a couple minutes, dammit. Where the fuck was Kris?

“Junmyeon!” she heard her voice called from the other side of the hall and turned her head in that direction.

Shit.

Jongdae strolled down the hall with a happy smile on his face, making his way towards Junmyeon where she was standing in front of her and Kris’s lockers.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Junmyeon thought, having entirely forgotten about the little flirtationship they’d been sort of having for a little while now.

Ohmygod, to think I asked Kris to sleep with me in hopes of being experienced for him, Junmyeon thought. Not that there was anything wrong with Jongdae at all, he was cute and smart and so nice and funny. But since Junmyeon had just recently come to the conclusion that she was more into tall bushy-eyebrowed basketball players, it was hard to see what she’d ever seen in him before.

“Hey, Junmyeon,” Jongdae greeted, giving her a smile.

“Hey, Jongdae,” Junmyeon replied, feeling suddenly really bad when she realized how she’d been leading him on this whole time.

“So did you still wanna study together after choir club today?” he asked curiously. “We could try a café or something instead this time, so we don’t have to be so quiet like in the library.”

“Jongdae…” Junmyeon said guiltily, wanting to let him down as easily and painlessly as possible. “You’re a really great guy, but…I don’t…I mean, we’re really good as friends, ya know?”

Jongdae’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion. “Do you think I’m into you, Junmyeon?” he asked blatantly.

“Oh…uhm…are you?” she asked, suddenly confused herself at this situation.

Jongdae threw his head back and chuckled loudly before looking at her with a small smirk, saying, “You’re way hot and nice and everything, Junmyeon…but even if I did like you like that, as if I’d have a chance.”

It was Junmyeon who scrunched her face up this time, puzzled.

“Speak of the devil,” Jongdae mumbled, looking at something over Junmyeon’s shoulder. He glanced back at her again, smiling and saying, “I’ll talk to you more later, Jun,” before turning around and walking back in the other direction, shoulders shaking with what she thought might be laughter.

She heard some rustling from behind and turned herself around, spotting Kris finally there at his locker, spinning the dial frantically to open it.

“Kris,” she said, feeling the butterflies return when she looked at him. “Hi.”

“Hey, Jun,” he replied shortly, shoving some books into his locker and grabbing some others.

“Uhm, I wanted to tell you something,” she announced, trying to keep her voice steady.

“For sure,” Kris agreed breezily, slamming his locker shut and placing a friendly clap on her shoulder. “I’ll see you at…lunch or something.”

He turned and jogged off down the hall just as the bell for first period sounded. Junmyeon just stood there, staring after him. She didn’t even care that this was the first time she’d ever be late to a class, too focused on the weird way the butterflies were suddenly becoming forebodingly uncomfortable in her tummy.

~*~*~*~

Junmyeon didn’t see Kris at lunch. She also didn’t see him after school, or after choir club. He wasn’t responding to any of her text messages and he wouldn’t answer any of her calls.

He somehow managed to avoid her for the entire week. He was never at his locker when she was there, even when she would wait patiently during the entire passing period. She was late to a lot of her classes thanks to it, but thankfully she was able to convince her teachers it was a onetime thing.

All of the basketball games this week just so happened to be away games, of course. She’d even wait outside the boy’s gym for his practices to end, but they always ran late, and Minseok threatened to just leave her there if she didn’t get in her car right that second, the other girl being nice enough to give her rides to and from school this week. If Kris hadn’t been being such an asshole it wouldn’t be a problem, because she’d be able to just catch a ride with him. But he was being an asshole, and so she didn’t want to rely on that.

“Look, he just walked out the doors!” Junmyeon all but screeched at Minseok from the passenger seat, body twisted almost entirely in the seat as she watched Kris chat casually with one of his teammates. “Turn around, Minseok!”

“No,” Minseok said, locking the doors and speeding away from the school parking lot. “We’re doing this my way.”

“Minseok,” Junmyeon whined, facing forward again and pouting.

“God, Junmyeon, I didn’t think me making one little jab about you being a virgin was gonna make you cause this much of a mess,” Minseok muttered, shaking her head.

Junmyeon just continued pouting in response.

Minseok drove for a little while more, getting further and further away from the school. She entered what was considered sort of the shabby part of town, the part that had a little bit of a reputation for being not exactly the safest area to hang out in. Junmyeon was so confused, but she remained silent as Minseok pulled into a parking spot next to a small rundown park.

“What are we doing here?” Junmyeon wondered, watching from within Minseok’s car as a man sleeping on one of the park benches got his pockets rifled through by another guy.

“Okay, here’s what you do,” Minseok said when she turned to face Junmyeon. “Go over and sit on one of the park benches…preferably an unoccupied one. Then call Kris. He’s not going to answer, obviously. Text him and just say something vague like ‘hey are you busy right now? i have a bit of a problem.’ This will pike his interest. After sending that one, call him again and leave a voicemail. Tell him that I, Minseok, drove you here because you were supposed to meet Jongdae at the park. You unfortunately switched up which park he’d wanted to meet at, and I left you at the wrong park. It’s okay if I sound like an irresponsible bitch because of this. Explain that now you’re stuck at some random park, and you don’t know where the nearest bus stop is, and you don’t have enough money for a taxi, and you’ve already tried asking a bunch of other people…just cover all your bases. As him if he’d be so kind as to come and get you to give you a ride back to your place.”

“He’s been ignoring me all week,” Junmyeon pointed out, not too keen on the sound of this plan, “what makes you think this will be any different?”

“You are so fucking blind,” Minseok mumbled under her breath while rolling her eyes. “Okay, well if he doesn’t come, then I’ll be parked right over there across the street and will give you a ride back myself. Don’t fucking worry about that.”

“This is a stupid idea.”

“Shut up and get out of my car,” Minseok responded, rolling her eyes once more and basically shoving Junmyeon out the passenger door. “You can thank me for this later. Don’t make eye contact with any of the hobos.”

~*~*~*~*~

Kris contemplated listening to the voicemail Junmyeon had just left him, wanting to just ignore it but also curious thanks to the text she’d sent right before. He went ahead and pressed listen, putting his phone to his ear.

“Hey, Kris,” Junmyeon’s voice greeted, and he tried to ignore the weird twisty feeling in his stomach. “I don’t mean to bother you...but I just had Minseok drop me off at a park where I was supposed to meet Jongdae. Uhm, turns out I got the parks mixed up though, and she left me at East Field Park instead of West Field Park.” Kris immediately drove his car into the next left turning lane, making a wide U-turn and heading in the direction opposite of his house. “I’m not really sure where the nearest bus stop is from where I am, and I don’t have enough money for a cab. I’ve already tried calling some other people but no one’s answering so I figured I’d just maybe see if you could-”

The message cut off, not having enough capacity to fit everything she’d wanted to say. Kris pressed down more on the gas, picking up speed as he watched streetlights flicker on due to the setting sun. It was getting dark and Junmyeon was fucking stranded at a park on the east side of town. The twisting in his stomach intensified in reaction to the terrible scenarios running through his mind.

He finally made it to the park and quickly pulled his truck into one of the spaces, cutting the engine and hopping out of the driver’s side. He pulled his phone out and dialed Junmyeon’s number while scoping around the field area for a familiar figure.

“Kris,” Junmyeon answered her phone. “Hey.”

“Junmyeon, where are you?” he demanded.

“Uhm, I’m by a bench next to the playground,” she told him. “Are you here?”

“Yeah, I see you,” he said, spotting her across the way, turned in the other direction. He ended the call and slipped his phone back into his pocket, jogging the rest of the way to meet her. Junmyeon continued looking around, trying to find him, and she eventually turned around and saw him coming her way. He could see the relief on her face at the sight of him, and he tried to ignore what that did to his insides.

“I’m sorry I made you come all this way,” Junmyeon apologized once he was within hearing distance of her. “I wasn’t sure who else to call, everyone is busy right now or not answering my calls and texts and I just-”

“Are you okay?” Kris asked her, glancing over her just to make sure she was fine.

“Yeah,” Junmyeon affirmed, nodding.

“Come on, I’ll take you home,” Kris said, leading her back in the direction of his truck.

They walked together in silence, tension thick in the air. Both of them clearly had a lot they wanted to say, but neither was willing to be the first to speak up. They got into Kris’s car and he started the engine, pulling out of the parking spot and heading away from the park.

“Kris,” Junmyeon suddenly said, quietly, timidly. “Can you just…can you just tell me why you’re avoiding me? It’s okay if you want to continue to do so, but could I just…know why?”

Kris sighed, knowing it was eventually going to have to come out. He just wasn’t really sure how to go about explaining this. “After…I don’t know, Junmyeon, after last Friday night-”

“I never should have asked that of you,” Junmyeon cut in, sounding utterly guilt-ridden over it. “Kris, I know that I may have ruined our friendship because of that, and if anything, I’m only going to ruin it even further with this, but…”

Kris remained silent, somewhat nervous about this sudden revelation Junmyeon was going off about.

“Kris,” Junmyeon continued quietly, “I sort of realized that I asked you to…do that…because I like you as more than just my best friend. And I know me telling you this is just going to fuck everything between us up even more, but I didn’t want to keep this inside of me so…”

Kris just stared straight ahead at the road, not sure what the fuck to make of what Junmyeon was saying to him right now.

“What the fuck are you playing at, Junmyeon?” he asked through a clenched jaw, feeling upset all of a sudden.

“What?” She looked at him, confused.

“Who put you up to this?” he asked her calmly, shrugging. “Baekhyun? My money’s on Baekhyun, but I don’t know, maybe it was someone else.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Junmyeon demanded, voice becoming louder now.

“Look, I know it’s kind of amusing,” Kris admitted, thinking about his own patheticness as he explained, “poking fun at my sorry ass for being such a little bitch for you Junmyeon, but this is a whole other level of fucked up right now.”

“Kris, what the fuck-?”

“I’d just really appreciate it if you didn’t play me like this, Jun,” he told her honestly, his heart feeling heavy in his chest.

“Kris, you have lost it,” Junmyeon said, slightly hysterical herself at this point. “I’m trying to fucking tell you I’m in fucking love with you and you’re just going crazy for some reason.”

Kris slammed on the brake when he realized it was a red light. He turned and stared at Junmyeon, trying to process what exactly she’d just told him. Junmyeon stared back, looking upset and confused and hurt. They just continued looking at one another until a loud honk sounded from the car behind Kris. His looked back at the road, noting the green light, and began driving again, but immediately turned into the closest side road, pulling into what ended up being a deserted elementary school parking lot.

“Say that again,” Kris requested simply trying to keep his voice steady as he stared straight out the front windshield.

“Say what?” Junmyeon asked, sounding exasperated. “I am so fucking confused right now, Kris, nothing you say is making sense. You’re getting all angry and accusatory at everything I’m saying and I don’t understand why, I really don’t. I mean, I don’t even really know Baekhyun that well, I don’t know why you mentioned her-”

“I’ve loved you since the very first day we ever met, Junmyeon,” Kris suddenly blurted out, and with just that single sentence finally out in the open, the weight on his chest was lifted, but the twisting in his stomach remained strong.

He heard Junmyeon’s breath catch before she quietly reminded him, “We were only seven when we first met.”

He looked over at Junmyeon and blinked.

A small smile formed on her face.

“We’re such idiots,” Junmyeon giggled, shaking her head back and forth. “We’re making this a way bigger deal than it really has to be.”

Kris remained silent, not really sure how to react to what was happening right now. Was this actually happening to him? After all the years of his emotions torturing him, after the crazy roller coaster his heart has been on all this time, after pining after the one girl he thought would forever be just beyond his reach, it was all of a sudden so damn simple.

“It’s not exactly unheard of for best friends to fall in love with each other, Kris,” Junmyeon said, shrugging.

“I’m gonna just wait until later to be really upset over this,” Kris suddenly decided. “But for now, can I please just kiss you, Junmyeon?”

Junmyeon gave him a small smile and nodded before Kris closed the distance between them, the twisting in his stomach finally becoming the good kind again.

~*~*~*~

“Nooooooo, you have to inhale it, girl,” Baekhyun begged as Junmyeon immediately expelled the smoke from her mouth, coughing cutely into her elbow. “You and Chanyeol are officially banned from the bong on charges of wasting perfectly good product,” she announced, removing it from Junmyeon’s possession before she used up anymore.

Chanyeol looked crushed at the prospect of no longer being able to put his lips against the place where Baekhyun put her lips.

“I don’t like it, Kris,” Junmyeon complained, scrunching her face up as her boyfriend correctly inhaled the hit he just took. “It smells fucking terrible.”

Baekhyun watched as Junmyeon pouted up at Kris, her bottom lip jutted out cutely.

“Ohmygod, Kris, she’s so adorable,” Baekhyun admitted, her verbal filter not quite all there thanks her rather blazed state of mind. “I’m sorry I ever thought even for a second thought of her as a slutty bitch.”

“What?” Junmyeon asked, sounding surprised and confused.

“Junmyeon, you wouldn’t happen to have like a twin sisters hiding somewhere in one of your closets, would ya?”



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