Tell the Ones That Need to Know 3/5
Look at the things I do
When he wakes, the clock says two in the morning and he feels its mockery. He knows there’s no way he’d been swept away on that dream escapade for less than an hour. He can’t believe it. But he rubs his eyes and wills all the memories away. The laughter and the smiles and the almost kiss he knows Jensen nearly gave him. The same almost kiss that Jared thought about for months, a few years even, until he and Jensen lost touch. In between filming schedules and girlfriends and movie premieres, the best Jared ever handed over were emails and texts of good luck.
But here he lies, years later in his childhood bed, focusing on the pale ceiling and wondering how a friendship that was so tight could have unraveled so easily.
He begins to count all the days and weeks and months that floated between each moment of contact. Jensen wasn’t exactly helpful in keeping in touch, but he won’t blame Jensen. It’s his fault, too.
“Sure is, son.”
Jared stares at the ceiling, eyes going wide. He doesn’t move. Can’t. Because worse than Chad raiding his fridge and mocking his past life is Jim Beaver leaning on his high school desk, crossing his arms, and giving off tiny huffs of impatience. Jared doesn’t look, won’t. Refuses to. This isn’t happening, not another visit from someone of his past. It isn’t real, he’s dreaming, this isn’t Jim in this room.
“You better believe it’s me.”
He gives a strangled chuckle. It’s not so much Jim as it’s Bobby, all gruffness and attitude. When Jared finally sneaks a glance, there’re the same beady eyes and wry smile, hidden by the same fuzzy beard he’d acted with years ago. “So, Megan drugged me?”
“Boy, I remember a time when you’d be glad to see me.”
Another strained laugh as Jared looks at Jim, takes in the crossed arms and the tense set of his shoulders. Jared rubs palms over his face, wants to hide behind them, but he can hear Jim breathing. It’s rough and whistling out his nostrils, it’s enough to grab Jared’s attention. “So, Chad’s on break?”
Jim gives off an angry sigh. “That kid’s always on break. I don’t know how he gets shit done ‘round these parts.”
He finally sits up, legs over the edge of the bed and elbows on his thighs. Rubbing his face again because this is insanity and he doesn’t know what Megan put in his drink, or his mother his food. But he’s not quite ready for another trip down memory lane.
“You could just do an old friend a favor and trust me.”
When Jared looks up, Jim’s face is softer, like he’s asking for Jared to just take the chance instead of fighting it. For a split second, Jared wants to. Wants to step up and accept whatever Jim is offering him because he was one of the most amazing guys he ever worked with, caring and thoughtful and supportive. Jared, Jensen, and Jim. The guy even made jokes about how well they got along despite age and maybe because of the J that each one had. Jared’s struck with the thought that he hasn’t seen Jim since the final Supernatural party, after the last bits of show had aired and the network honored their hard work and dedication. And Jared hasn’t done anything hard or dedicated since.
“Jared?” It’s silent as Jim waits for an answer. His voice goes easy, “Son?”
“What do you want?” Jared asks carefully.
“Take a walk with me.”
He watches Jim for a few good, long moments. Any other time he would, but … “I took a walk with Chad and wound up on an acid trip.”
Jim chuckles, a meaty, throaty sound. One Jared used to hear every day for a good chunk of his career. It warms his stomach to know that sound so well. “Look, the sooner you come with, the sooner you can come back.”
He’s dreaming, he’s certain of it. There’s no way this is real life … and then it dawns on him. If he’s dreaming, it can’t hurt to say yes, to go with Jim wherever he asks. There’s a tiny corner of his brain that hopes he can see more past memories, just to feel light again. But the edges of his soul that have been ripped and worn down over the years don’t want anything to do with the past.
“I promise it’s not like Chad’s trip. It’s different.”
Jared finally succumbs. Rises silently and approaches Jim, who clamps a hand down on his shoulder and leads him out of the room.
The second they cross the threshold, everything flashes and Jared finds himself in the brightly decorated foyer of a two-story home. There are wreathes and candles and bells and holly everywhere. Literally. Everywhere. The old Jared might’ve been egged on by the spirit in this home, but this Jared just winces at the overkill.
Jim’s no longer at his side, so he roams the hallway, following a sudden burst of laughter. As it dies out he hears the flutter of giggles that he knew for so long, and he stops. His hands clench and his eyes close. He doesn’t want to see what’s around the corner. Doesn’t want to know who’s surrounding her and why.
But something forces him into the dining room, to the long table that’s full of happy guests celebrating Christmas Eve, and as he follows the length of the table, he finds exactly who he’d heard. Sandy. Long, shiny hair, tucked behind one ear but flowing over the other shoulder. Her smile is broad and if it were possible, he’s sure he’d see silver sparkles sheen across her teeth. She looks beautiful and elated and so flushed with happiness it makes his heart beat hard and his lungs stop breathing. There’s a man at her elbow, leaning around her to laugh with guests, for her to push back into as they continue with such glee that Jared can’t manage to watch her face anymore. He follows the lines of her red fitted top until the sleeves stop just above her elbow, showing off her tanned forearms leading to slender wrists and finally, he spots the silver band that wraps itself around a diamond engagement ring.
Jared wants to smile because she’s so happy, she’s beaming. But he follows the ring, follows the hand as it lifts and then rests at the pouch of her belly. His eyes burn and his brain shuts out all sounds to this vision.
Sandy’s married. And pregnant. And so brilliantly happy. His brain manages a million different feelings … jealousy, grief, sadness, petulance, that now she has what he never gave her. She has exactly what she wanted but he didn’t provide.
He snorts, shaking his head. And that’s when Jim reappears and says, “Funny life, eh?”
Jared looks at him and snorts again, crossing his arms tightly. “Whatever. Good luck to her career after popping out a baby.”
“She ain’t working anymore.”
He gives a quick glance, but then focuses on the people before him, even if he doesn’t really want to do that either.
“Grant, here, takes care of her,” Jim nods at the table.
“Grant?” Jared says with a pfft noise at the end. “What kind of name’s that?”
“What kinda name’s Jared?”
He scowls then goes back to watching the dinner. “She’s gonna miserable, up all hours of the night with a kid. She could barely handle me up with the dogs because she needed a full eight hours.”
“Don’t think that’ll matter much. You know, once she’s got the family.” Jim’s hand lands on Jared’s shoulder and squeezes hard as he regards him. “Look, kid. I don’t know what your deal is - ”
“God,” Jared sighs angrily. “First my mama and now you? No one pissed in my Lucky Charms, alright? Just … life ain’t shiny all days of the week, you know?”
Jim shakes his head, makes a grumbling sound, and releases Jared’s shoulder. “I remember days when you were brighter than sunshine. You’re just an angry li’l kid now. Thought you’d be happy to see someone you loved be well.”
Jared rolls his eyes and tucks his arms tighter against his chest, willing himself to ignore the speech. But Jim disappears and leaves Jared to view the rest of the dinner party.
Sandy’s husband leans in, fingers draping over her hand, squeezing her wrist as he drops a kiss to her temple and her smile slips down before softening. It’s a familiar movement, one she’d done for Jared so many times, but right here, it’s for this guy. The father of her baby. The man in her life.
Jared watches the rest of dinner, hardly logging much of anything in particular, but just seeing how the group interacts so easily, how all they do is smile and joke and chuckle and laugh. He remembers when this was them, tucked close and warm and in adoration for each other. But it didn’t work, and for so long, especially these last few weeks after cutting ties with Julie, he wondered if he’d really done it wrong when he was with Sandy, his first real love. But now … he wonders if it really would have mattered.
“She’s got what she wanted.”
He turns to Jim, who crosses his arms, hands tucked tight at his elbows, and he nearly rocks back and forth. Everything breaks, all his anger and bitterness flipping into sweetness and joy and pride that she got exactly what she wanted from someone who could and did give it to her. Jared feels his eyes burn for not the first time, and not the second, of this visit. They’re hot and wet and he doesn’t exactly feel like crying, but he can’t stop the tears from building. His voice is ragged but he tries to disguise it with a short cough. “She looks happy.”
“She is.”
The group at the table all stand, and they’re grabbing things off the table to clear. Most of them insist Sandy stay as is. One woman even pats Sandy’s belly and grins. As the room clears, leaving Sandy and her husband, Jared tenses, not sure he wants to see them in a moment like this. Because the guy is in close, arms circling her and nuzzling her ear and she’s smiling so wide and bright. “Hey, baby,” her husband murmurs. Then rubs her belly and smiles with a downward nod, “Baby.” She laughs, bats his hand but then holds it there. “You doing okay?”
“I’m doing great,” she beams as she kisses him, with gentle lips but with so much meaning.
The way she smiles, so comfortably but with so many creases through her expression shows him something different from the Sandy he knew. He takes a few steps, getting closer to the table and sees more depth to her soft face, and it hits him. This isn’t Sandy from long ago. It all feels and looks different than the visits Chad took him on. He turns to Jim quickly with furrowed eyebrows. Asks almost manically, “When is this?”
“Today,” he answers simply.
“Today?”
Jim nods sagely and quirks his mouth. “Today. Now. Present.”
Jared eyes him, can’t register the playful little nod Jim has. He takes a quick look to Sandy, smiling with the dinner party again as they all start talking more about their lives. Through all the talk, it’s obvious this is a united group, one in which Sandy is fully entrenched. Something burns in his chest, rises to his throat, and he can’t put much to it, but he knows he’s done here.
Jim seems to read the dismissal in Jared’s mind, for he hitches his head to the side and motions Jared over. “You ready for number two?”
He swallows, moves closer, but asks skeptically. “You have three, too?”
With a nod and a crooked smile, Jim says, “Yeah, kid. I get three, too.”
Jared takes a deep breath, chances a quick look to the table and instantly regrets it. He’s in no shape to continue watching this scene. “Where we going now?”
Jim’s hand is heavy on Jared’s shoulder as they turn. “Back to Texas.”
Once they’re out of the room, Jared’s transplanted to the living space of a hotel suite. There’re items spilling from a suitcase in the corner and the bed in the far reach of the room is turned down, like someone’s ready to sleep but hasn’t made it yet. Then he hears rumblings from the bathroom followed by a high, short laugh and he cringes, immediately knowing that it’s Jensen walking into the room, cell phone tucked against his shoulder.
“Man, I ain’t heard from you in ages. How you doin’?” Jensen asks the phone and Jared can hear the slip of Jensen’s accent.
He doesn’t listen to much more of the words though he does catch the slight drawl peeking through this side of the conversation. But what hits him harder, what gets his stomach rolling, is the softness to Jensen’s normally smooth face. How he looks older, but stronger in every other place. The lines of his shoulders are long but fine, his waist trim and his arms firm as ever. The face … Jared just stares. It’s so Jensen there, but there’s more to him, and he realizes this is what his once-dear friend looks like at 38.
Jared falls to the edge of the bed and stares up into Jensen’s face as he’s moving things across the bed. Gathering clothes for the morning, Jared figures, and putting things back. He can’t stop staring at Jensen’s eyes, his nose, the slope of his cheeks and the edge of his chin. Can’t stop listening to the smooth pull of words.
“You remember end of Season 1?” he chuckles. “Kid walked out … yeah, with the bouquet. What were they?” Jensen stops and listens for a second then busts oh, “Oh, fuck you. They weren’t begonias. You’re full-a shit.”
Jared’s mind carries him back a good ten years, to 2006, remembering the exact moment Jensen’s recounting, when he spent the whole wrap party at Jensen and Jeff’s side. Jeffrey Dean Morgan Jared says to himself with an air of amazement. He smiles, enough that he’s amused himself at what he’d done to them. But little enough that he’s just barely aware of it.
“What’re you now? A florist?” Jensen moves back to the bathroom, but he’s back in seconds and barking, “Oh, shut up.” There’s fire to his words, but he’s smirking. A solid smirk that Jared had seen a million times when Jensen mocked him so relentlessly. “Go die on screen. C’mon now … they weren’t … you even know what gerbers look like? … You’re an idiot … no, they were … ”
Jared nearly whispers, “Carnations. They were carnations,” as he watches Jensen fight for the name.
“Carnations!” Jensen crows and pumps a fist, short and tight, like he would all the times he beat Jared in Guitar Hero. “Yeah,” he laughs. “He brought hundreds of carnations and made us wear boutonnieres and take pictures, posing like prom.” His laughter builds, strong enough that he can barely talk, and it’s obvious the same is happening on the other side because Jensen pulls the phone away as he bends at the waist and lets it out.
Jared runs his hands through his hair, chuckling right along with Jensen’s memory, but then he can’t stop the few tears that break free and trickle down. And he feels like laughing only keeps them coming, so he presses his hands into his face. Runs fingers through his hair again and settles his hands on the back of his neck, pulling tight as he takes a deep breath.
Jensen rubs the back of his neck, scratches fingers into his hair. There’s a stilted chuckle. “Jeff, man, I don’t even know. Haven’t talked for a long while.”
He winces, falling hard into regret and wanting out of it … out of this. Jared looks for Jim, but he’s alone. Alone to watch Jensen carry on this conversation that Jared can’t even follow, having just Jensen’s side of it. Yet, it’s enough to fire him up and make him want to leave.
“I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him … dude, come on … Hey! I’m not the only one. He didn’t … ”
Jared rises, not wanting to hear more and rushes for the door, flies right out of it … and into Jim. “Boy, you okay?”
“How d’you think I am?” he smarts back. Jim raises his hands, grabs Jared’s arms, and is about to calm him down but Jared forces his arms away and nearly shouts, “Just! Let’s go! I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Calm down now, alright?”
Thankful that at the very least, he can’t hear Jensen through their arguing, Jared sighs. “Can we just go? I’m tired of all this bull shit.”
“We got one more - ”
“Fine, let’s do the last stop. Let me go home. Christ!”
Jared pushes both hands through his hair as Jim guides him out of the hotel room. He can’t wait to end this scene and get away from Jensen and his voice, and the fact that he’s being forced to listen to Jensen recount exactly how much time has passed between them. How little Jared has kept in touch, kept up the friendship. He’s so tired of reliving his past, seeing this here. He just wants to be gone from this hotel room, but that’s before he truly considers what this whole mission really is, because seconds later he’s standing before a two-story country home, wraparound porch decorated with wreaths and twinkling lights winding with the railings.
It’s been a good six, maybe seven years. But Jared recognizes the house in an instant. His stomach churns and his throat squeezes tight, blocking air and forcing him into dizziness. When he wanted to leave Jensen’s hotel room, the last place he wanted to go was the Ackles’ family home.
Jim pats his back, a rueful smile delicately hanging on his face. “You wanted to leave.”
He thinks, gratefully, about Jensen in that hotel room and how he’ll just be watching the rest of the family. But it’s short-lived when headlights flash before them and an SUV pulls into the circle drive, parking just a few feet from where they stand. Jared doesn’t even watch, sure it’s Jensen hopping out of the car. He turns away from the scene of Jensen hopping up the stairs, grabbing his sister in a tight hug before sharing hugs and kisses with the rest of the family.
Jim shrugs and repeats, “You wanted to leave.”
Jared sarcastically smiles, flashes angry eyes. “Right, like I wanted to leave for this.”
Jim pushes a hand out before them. “After you.”
Jared laughs cynically. He can’t imagine this going well and stills, crossing his arms tightly. He and Jim share a leveled gaze, each daring the other to change their stance. Jared’s heart soars when Jim sighs and shakes his head.
“You goin’ in or what now?”
Jared just holds his stance, daring Jim to make him move.
Jim eyes him, sees the defiance and looks like he’s close to forcing him through this. But there’s a moment’s hesitation and then a slow smile creeps along. He crosses his arms and gives a short nod as he stands firm right alongside Jared. “Okay, son. We’ll just stay out here then.”
Jared wants to ask, wants figure out Jim’s quirky, satisfied posture. But he accepts this moment that Jim’s giving him, allowing him to skip out on this last scene. With a few steps, Jared’s leaning against Jensen’s rental and waiting for the time to pass.
It goes on far longer than Jared had imagined. He goes so far as to let his mind wander through any number of things Jensen and his family could be doing for the hour or so he and Jim are outside. He thinks about happy smiles, Josh punching at Jensen’s shoulder with loud, bright laughs, Mackenzie settling in close to her favorite brother, Donna and Alan sharing proud smiles and wine through dinner. He starts to wonder if his imagination is any better than having to actually experience the whole thing. Worse yet, his patience is stretched thin and he’s about to complain to Jim when the door swings open and Jensen steps out and sits on the stairs.
His hands work through pockets for a cigarette and a lighter, snicking the flame to light the cigarette. Jensen takes a long, satisfied drag and releases a just as relaxing puff of smoke. He’s there for a few silent minutes, slowly milking the cigarette, until Mackenzie slips out the door and sits next to him with a laugh and a smack at his knee.
They’re talking quietly, batting knees together and chuckling before Jensen hands over the nearly-done cigarette and lets Mackenzie finish off the last bit of it. Jared can’t hear them, isn’t sure he even wants to. He catches how comfortable Jensen and his sister are, bumping against each other, smiling, chuckling. But it’s when Jensen’s face draws in and Mackenzie tips her head against his shoulder that Jared wants to know. He wants to get close, listen in, catch every bit of this conversation.
He stands, takes a short step, and then catches Jim’s amused glance. He’d just fought the man off, defiant to not live through this one. But now it’s all he wants, to hear Jensen in this moment because the guy’s face is now low and Mackenzie is soothing a hand over his back, across his shoulders.
It doesn’t take much more for Jared to finally say fuck it, ignoring Jim’s smug glance, and he walks to the porch just in time to catch Mackenzie leaning in close, curling her arm under Jensen’s. “I can’t believe that you’ll be alone forever,” she smiles. “So stop thinking it yourself.”
“No, I’m not … that’s not it,” Jensen quickly, yet quietly argues back. “I’m just sayin’ that … Look, if I am, then fine. If I’m alone … ”
“You’re not alone. You’ve got people.”
“There’s a difference between lonely and alone.” There’s a long moment when Jensen sighs. “I’d rather be on my own than settle.”
Jensen’s voice sounds sturdy, like he’s comfortable in his words, but there’s something hitched inside of his throat that Jared can hear. Even after three years of radio silence, Jared knows Jensen, he knows this isn’t Jensen being honest. This is Jensen trying to be open while slipping something under a protective layer and keeping it to himself.
“How could you settle?” Mackenzie asks with a small smile. “I’ve seen who you date. I wouldn’t call models settling.”
He works a small smile, looking humored, but here, too, Jared knows better. “Do I really need to give you the ‘looks aren’t everything’ speech?” Jensen jokes with her.
“Right, just what I need from you at Christmas. A lecture.” They chuckle, bumping into each other until Mackenzie shifts and rings an arm around his back and rests her head on his shoulder.
Her voice drops low, like she’s asking him about a shared secret that they don’t want another soul to hear, and when her words come out, Jared realizes it truly is just that. “I can’t believe you still don’t talk to Jared.”
Jensen’s shoulders rise and Jared’s drop low. Each tensing but for completely polar reasons. Jensen’s voice gets tight but comes with a tiny rumble, “Nah, it’s fine. Just drifted apart.”
Jared’s mind turns over itself, scrambling so many thoughts he can’t manage to understand why Mackenzie’s even closer, kissing at Jensen’s shoulder then whispering, “He why you won’t settle?”
Everything pauses. Jensen stalling, Mackenzie waiting, Jared unable to breathe. He’s not even sure what he wants Jensen’s answer to be, but he knows his stomach is curling tight, and his spine is tingling in a way he didn’t know was possible, especially when concerning Jensen.
Jensen tucks his head down with an awkward chuckle, snagging fingers through his hair. “What? Of course not,” he tries to say with a push, but Jared knows this.
And so does Mackenzie because she takes a deep breath and lays her head back onto his shoulder. “Jensen,” she says, calling him out on the bluff, but waiting for him all the same.
Jared is moving before he even realizes it, getting closer, crouching before them so he can clearly see Jensen’s mouth twitch and curl as he fights the words. Then Jensen’s head shoots up and he rubs his hand over his mouth, eyes flaring before staring clear across the yard. But Jared feels it deep in his body, wringing every muscle, down to his toes. Because it feels like Jensen’s staring right at him. Like he knows Jared is right there, listening, waiting for an answer.
Mackenzie’s voice is quiet and muffled into Jensen’s shoulder. “It’s okay.”
Jensen twitches at the interruption to his long silence, looks to the side then back up, pressing both elbows into his knees as he finally releases a breath. “I just … I don’t know,” he mumbles with a short, skeptical chuckle.
“Maybe if you tried calling - ”
“It’s been years,” he says, not quite sad, but there’s something hanging in the air that Jared can tell means more. “No point in … whatever now.”
Mackenzie looks up to Jensen, then hides her eyes like she’s afraid to ask, “Did you guys … did you ever …”
He looks over for a second then rubs both palms over his face and takes a long sharp breath. It’s then that Jared rises and turns, not wanting to see Jensen fight his words or his feelings any longer. He again sees the moment Chad forced on him and he imagines Jensen’s doing the same, because Jensen tiredly says, “One time … at the end … He just waved me off.” There’s a short laugh, a little angry, but mostly resigned. “Said ‘no chick flick moments.’” Jensen’s forcing the next statement out, sounding more like he’s trying to convince himself than his sister. “Doesn’t matter.”
“I didn’t know,” Jared says, as if Jensen could actually hear, as if admitting this would change everything right now. He turns, seeing Jensen’s twisted mouth, the faraway look in his eyes, and he yells at him. “I didn’t know, okay! You didn’t say anything!” The way Jensen sighs and closes his eyes, rubs a hand over his face again, it feels like he’s actually on the other end of this, and Jared keeps going, getting closer and getting louder and more hoarse as he goes. “I didn’t think anything would happen! I didn’t know you felt like that. It would have mattered. It all matters! Jesus!”
“Alright,” Jim’s voice comes out gentle, but his hands are firm on Jared’s arms as he pulls him away from Jensen. Jared’s fighting back for a few moments, until he watches Jensen rise and give his best smile to Mackenzie before they head back inside. His shoulders sag and he lets Jim hold him, as he has no energy left to bother.
When he feels the hands let up, he shakes out of Jim’s hold and takes a few steps, swearing and punching the air, kicking dirt. Part of him knows he should be floored by Jensen’s admission, flattered, excited. But so much of him clings to the bitterness of his life, to the spike of regret digging into his back and the pain of what could have been but isn’t. “Fuck!” he shouts, pushing hands into his hair and bending at the waist. His eyes shut and he tries to calm his breathing, but it’s damn near impossible.
Even when Jim comes up, settles a hand at his back, rubbing, soothing. He’s mumbling words of encouragement to calm him, but it doesn’t work, and Jared pathetically begs Jim to take him home. Jim pats his back once more and steps away, and when Jared looks up, they’re in front of his parents’ home, back in San Antonio. He’s both relieved and drained from the whole incident and wordlessly tramples up the stairs, through the house, and up to his room. He passes out in seconds.
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Part Four
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