Tell the Ones That Need to Know 4/5
Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
So that’s it, Jared thinks, eyes clenched tight in the dark of his bedroom, willing away the dreams. He wants anything to happen other than his mind holding on to all he’s seen … from his long-forgotten past with Jensen, happy and smiling, right down to Jensen and Mackenzie on that porch, quiet yet open, bared for Jared to see.
Impossible, he tells himself. Crazy, tripped out, ridiculous, not real. It’s just his brain playing tricks, winding him up even tighter than he needs to be during this family holiday. He throws himself over the mattress, tugs the blankets down to his hip and stares across the room … stares right at the devil himself, Mark Pellegrino, leaning against the window then suddenly straightening and smiling gently. “Oh, good. You’re awake.”
“Oh, fuck me,” Jared groans and rolls to his back. He goes so far as to kick feet into the mattress, pound a fist down.
“You okay?” Mark asks with a hint of worry as he moves across the room.
Jared shoots a hand out, firm palm making his point. “Don’t you fucking come over here.”
“I don’t - ”
“What’re you doing here?” he grounds out between tight jaws.
There’s a short silence and then a small sigh before Mark speaks again. “I’m here to show you Christmas future.”
Jared snorts angrily, shakes his head. “Right. Because you’re Lucifer.”
“What? No,” he frowns. “I mean … yeah, I was, but. You know that was a role, right?”
Jared shakes his head and sits up, feet to the floor and hands scraping over his face. He looks up at Mark’s calm demeanor, how he sounds so much like the smooth Lucifer he portrayed on screen so many years ago. Jared chuckles, and it’s a bit humored but mostly bitter. “Of course you’re Future. Those bastards are always the creepiest.”
Mark sighs, frowns, and pinches a finger and thumb to his nose. “You know, I thought it was a great idea. But I’ve just been typecast ever since.”
“You are the Ghost of Christmas Future. You’re going to show me how depressing my life will be.”
“Well, yeah,” Mark replies with a frown. “Doesn’t mean that I’m a horrible person.”
Jared stares for a few long moments before sighing and pushing his hands out. “Okay, whatever. Sorry you got the short end of the stick here.”
Mark looks more relaxed, even smiles a bit. “Thanks. I just hate people thinking I really want to show them the bad side to life.”
“Well, then,” Jared starts, sounding happy for the first time in a long time, “That’s cool. Because I don’t really want to see any more of my bad life.”
Then he’s frowning again. “No, Jared. I have to. Policy says once you start, you’re stuck with us.”
Jared wipes his face and settles a hand at his throat. He squeezes lightly and considers it all, wonders how much worse any of this could really get. He knows, so knows, this whole thing is impossible to be real. His mind is just trying to tell him to be a better person, just like his mother had out on the porch, swinging together, and trying so hard to tell him how he used to be.
“You ready?” Mark asks with a hesitant smile.
He huffs out a harsh breath and shakes his head, drops his hands between spread legs. “No,” he replies tiredly, because on top of not sleeping through this night, his brain is absolutely drained from the emotional trips Chad and Jim have already taken him on. “I’m not … I can’t do this. I’m not leaving this house again.”
There’s an odd motion to Mark’s head, a cross between a nod and a thoughtful shake of his head. Then he crosses his arms and smiles, but it’s not as gentle as he’d been before. It’s a bit tight and says something that makes Jared uneasy. “Okay,” he says with a short shrug. “We don’t have to leave the house.”
Jared stares, beginning to worry, because the last time he said he wasn’t going anywhere, wasn’t going into the Ackles’ home, he was forced to watch Jensen admit his feelings, and Jared had to see how wrecked Jensen was with the notion.
There’s a sudden burst of noise from down below, loud voices and heavy footsteps and other random clatters of commotion. Mark smirks. “Maybe we should check that out?”
He shakes his head, rolls his eyes, but he’s standing and walking out of the room. “I hate you all. So much. You have no idea.”
“I’m pretty sure we know.”
When Jared gets downstairs, he sees the rumblings of Christmas, much like he pictures the next afternoon will go. Extended family members decked out in holiday wear, smiles plastered on their faces. The dining room table is set, as well as the kitchen table for the younger kids. His mother and sister and sister-in-law and a few aunts are bustling in and out of the kitchen, placing food on the tables then working their way back into the kitchen to grab more. He’s overwhelmed by the noise and the people, but they’re moving in sync, so easily shifting around each other to avoid collisions.
It doesn’t feel any different than any other holiday he’s had in this home, the men in the family room watching football, laughing and drinking, while the women arrange the meal and kids run between legs, screeching with happiness as they chase each other through the house. He doesn’t even understand the future aspect, going just one day ahead of where he is now … but then he sees it. Sees Megan, with her hair slicked back into a neat ponytail, face pink with joy. But that’s not even it, it’s the ring on her finger, it’s the young girl she’s pulling into her arms, up to her hip, to comfort through hiccupy cries. A child that can’t be more than four or five, but is the spitting image of Megan, dark hair, bright, wide eyes, same sleek nose.
There’s a burn in Jared’s chest, he feels it inching up his throat and it settles there. He can’t swallow down this emotion. Megan as a mother, beautiful little daughter in her arms, both smiling so sweetly as Megan kisses her cheek. Beyond the poise she’s carrying in her shoulders and her hips as she lets the girl down and moves around the dining room, he sees how her face is smooth, confident, aged in just the right way.
“Meggie,” he murmurs emotionally, still watching as a man comes up and pats her hip as he passes, smiling down on her, and she smiles right back up in a way that Jared knows is love. He’s thrown back to so many long nights on the phone, Megan sensitive to his you’ll find someone, don’t worry speeches whenever she complained about boyfriends and exes. How she confided in him so many times about what really went on in her relationships, how and why they fell apart, and how each time she vowed it was the last time. And here she is … however far in the future Mark has taken him, happy, married, a mother.
He’s beyond proud, heart bursting with warmth, wanting so badly to see the moment she tells the family she’s getting married, see her in that dress, the day she tells them she’s pregnant, the first glance at the baby, watching the girl grow. He wants it all in an instant.
But it’s ripped from his dreams when she looks at her watch, angrily sighs then looks to their mom with a shake of her head. “We really have to wait for him?”
“Yes, Megan,” Sherry replies tiredly, like this isn’t the first time they’ve had this conversation.
“I don’t even know why we bother - ”
Jared watches as her husband leans against the doorway, looking between Megan and Sherry like he’s afraid to step in but wants to be there for Megan. “What’s wrong?” And Jared’s nodding, too, because he’s lost right now.
She huffs, tosses both hands out. “Jared! Of course. Dinner’s ready and he’s late.”
And then he’s not lost. Megan’s pissed at him. It feels familiar, considering how quickly their relationship fell apart over the last few years, but it still stings to hear how heated and resolute she is with her anger for him.
“Megan, he’ll be here. You know he will,” Sherry tries to sooth, but Megan goes on anyway.
“No, I don’t know that.”
“Hey, Meg,” her husband offers with a smile.
“No, don’t ‘hey, Meg,’ me,” she complains, crossing her arms. “He missed Isa’s birthday party. He was late for Thanksgiving.” Then she snaps, like it’s just occurred to her that Jared is even worse than she’s already said. “Easter! Said he was running late, didn’t even show up. I don’t know why we bother.”
Jared stares, in horror and shock and in short, silent tears that are building, daring to fall. He can’t manage which hurts more, that he would be so irresponsible, so inconsiderate to miss that much with apparently so little regard. Or that his sister is so embittered with him.
He can hear them arguing more, over transgressions that he hasn’t even committed yet, but have been splitting the family for far too long, Sherry defending him, Megan roasting him. But he’s not focusing on them anymore, he’s thinking more about getting out of the room, rushing up the stairs, and he’s standing in the doorway to his old room. It now holds toy bins and a princess bed in the corner. The walls are painted in purples and pinks with the alphabet coursing the space along with a trunk overflowing with tiaras, tulle, and crowns. The room is now Isa’s, it’s so obvious, and makes so much sense right here. A place for her to stay with grandma and grandpa. Instead of the sweetness in the gesture, he’s struck by the fact that everything is changed. For Megan, it’s her family and daughter. For his parents it’s having a granddaughter and young life in their home. For him, it’s missing out on all these things, and showing so little care for it.
Mark appears behind him, and opens his mouth to talk, but Jared turns from the room and heads back downstairs. He’s not sure it’s the best thing at the moment, but it’s all he can think of to bypass whatever wisdom Mark could impart.
The family is seated, split between the long dining room table and the kids table in the other room. Megan’s husband helps Isa settle with food cut up in the right proportions, kisses the top of her head, even drags a hand over the heads of the other kids with a goofy smile before joining the adults. Jared catches how Megan sighs, tense shoulders and tight, fake smile as she stares at the empty seat across from her.
“Megan,” Jeff calls out from a few seats down. She looks over and he gives a small, comforting smile before he asks, “You wanna give grace?”
She looks up to their parents for permission and they both nod with a smile, grabbing the hands of those around them before she can speak. “Dear Lord,” she says quietly, but sweetly. “We thank you for these gifts we are about to receive, and for giving us another year together.” Her smile is small but genuine until her eyes lift to the chair again. “May you welcome those family and friends we’ve lost over the past year and keep them close. And keep an eye on those,” and here she falters, dropping her head again, working her mouth, biting into her lips.
Jared sucks in sharply, holds it as he watches her struggle, not even sure what about, but still not wanting to see this moment for her.
Her husband squeezes her hand, leans close enough to touch shoulders for comfort. She takes a steadying breath and forces a smile then rushes out, “On those who couldn’t be here for whatever reasons they may have. We wish them well. Amen.”
The table echoes, “Amen,” and Jared just stares at Megan, not taking in any other thing at the table except for how she tries to smile, like everything is fine and she’s happy to dish out yams to their dad, but he can see it’s not right.
Mark appears, slight smile and light voice. “You don’t show up by the way.”
“What?” Jared asks sharply.
“In case you were wondering? You never show up.”
Jared continues staring, trying so hard to work out what he really feels in this situation. He doesn’t know what his reasoning is for not being around, for being such a bad uncle and brother and son. He figures it’s something deserved, like work. Maybe his career’s back on track and he’s busy out on location. Maybe he has someone in his life that he spends this Christmas with. There are many, many maybes swimming in his mind.
But Mark breaks the bubble of maybes when he says, “Just stopped coming to family holidays. No reason. Just ‘cause.”
He shakes his head, purses his lips, and crosses his arms as they half-heartedly watch the family talk and eat and create yet another holiday. “Not just ‘cause.”
“Pretty much. Just ‘cause,” Mark repeats with a swift nod.
Jared looks over, feeling sorry for his family, for Megan, for himself. He’s close to delving further into it all, but he decides he’d rather this all be done with, so he sighs and faces Mark with a pathetic wave of his hand. “Alright, you got two more, right?”
“Oh, you’re ready?”
Jared waves his hand again, walks away. “Whatever, let’s just finish.”
They turn the corner and they’re in a different dining room. It’s larger yet darker, less full, less lively, but still comfortable. The table’s half-set, mostly cold items like a Jell-o mold, cranberries, and a plate of deviled eggs. Jared can hear people fussing in the nearby kitchen and as he moves towards that doorway, a guy rushes into the room, cell phone pressed tight to his ear. Jared eyes him, sees how he’s randomly glancing back into the hallway while hushed on the phone. One look around the corner gives Jared a peak at Josh and Mackenzie talking animatedly near the kitchen sink then laughing and he realizes he’s in Jensen’s parents’ home again. He takes a quick look around, catches the family photos on the wall, showing how the family has grown over the years, now with kids of their own.
“I know, baby, I know. I told you I would.”
Jared turns to the guy in the room, catches the tall posture and the smooth, dark hair, curling at the base of his neck even while a hand works over and through it.
“I’ll be there later tonight … No, after … yeah, I know it’s Christmas. And I miss you, too. But I told you I had to do this first.”
The guy keeps hurrying through his call and forcing himself around a corner even when sneaking glances down the hallway like he’s hiding.
“No, I know. I told you … you are, you so are. You’re the only one I want. I wanna be there right now, you have no idea … love you, too … yeah, but it’s Christmas. I can’t leave him alone … I know, but I’m not leaving you alone. I’ll be there tonight and make it up to you.”
There’s the tiniest creak from behind Jared and the way the guy flinches makes him wonder if he can actually be seen this time. But then the guy’s eyes go beyond Jared, over his shoulder, and when Jared turns, Jensen’s crossing the room.
“Who’s on the phone?” Jensen asks with a quiet, awkward tone.
“Mom, I gotta go … Merry Christmas,” he beams and ends the call as Jensen steps up close. “Hey, baby,” he murmurs, dropping a kiss, rubbing a hand over Jensen’s hip.
Jensen watches the guy for a few seconds, silent and searching. “What’d she want?”
“Wish us a Merry Christmas.”
“We saw her this morning.”
The guy smiles, slow and sure, then kisses Jensen again, coaxing him, and Jared wants to throw up in this moment. Not at the image of Jensen with someone, but with someone who is so obviously lying to him, hiding from him, cheating on him.
“You know how moms are. All anxious,” he smirks then he smacks at Jensen’s ass as he passes. “Dinner ready yet?”
Jensen turns, watches the doorway. A hand comes up to swipe across his mouth, as if erasing those kisses, but then it rests there with Jensen falling into thought. His eyes roam the room and stop at one point just beside Jared, and they’re both frozen. Jared’s drawn in by Jensen here, older yet, still handsome and full of strength, but at the moment looking lost with regret and possibly the inability to do or say what he wants.
Jared knows what he wants. He wants to yell at Jensen, wake him up, tell him what he heard on the other end of that call. He wants to drag him from this moment of doubt and put him into the known.
Jensen’s shaken from his daze when the family files into the room, carrying platters of hot food and settling down for dinner. His boyfriend joins in, hands slipping over Jensen’s hips as he walks by, and Jared’s not blind at the way Jensen regards him oddly, or in the way Mackenzie is eyeing them both from across the table.
The guy plays with his phone through half of dinner, smirking at the screen, firing off texts. Jensen leans over at one point, quiet as can be, but it’s obvious that a few people hear and are carefully watching while trying to be consumed with their meal. “Why don’t you put that away?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course,” he smiles, nearly beams to the table with a wide mouth that Jared’s sure had been charming upon first glance. But right here, it makes Jared burn with anger, knowing exactly what the guy’s doing.
Sometime later, the cell makes another appearance and Jensen again softly asks, “Hey, put it away, yeah? Christmas dinner, man.”
“Yeah, sorry,” he smiles again as he finishes up his typing, shielding it from anyone’s eyes but his own with the angle it takes just beneath the tablecloth.
Suddenly, Mackenzie’s voice comes out sharp. “Dan. I believe Jensen asked you to put it away.”
He looks up, purely innocent before he gives a small, sad smile. “I’m sorry. Just family. Merry Christmas texts and all.”
“I’m sure,” she says with a smart smile and pointed eyes. “Amazed they let you out of their sight today. For all the attention they require.”
“Mac,” Jensen sighs.
She motions her fork around. “Just sayin’. With all the phone calls and the texts and the running to another room, I’m surprised he could manage a holiday without them.”
“Mac,” he repeats with more push in his voice.
“What? Seems like they’re rather close, ya know?” Mackenzie stares back at Jensen, tips her head just so, and it’s a silent message, daring him to have this conversation, to really hear what she’s trying to tell him.
Jared feels his stomach flip in exhilaration. Mackenzie knows. She’s trying to say it, trying to force the issue. He’s clenching fists, begging for her to go there, to bring it to light.
But Jensen grits out, “Cut it out,” and Donna sighs between them, ending the issue without a word.
As they’re cleaning up, Jared watches Mackenzie slide close to Jensen, picking up napkins and silverware but saying quietly. “Can’t believe you brought him.”
Jensen’s piling plates into his hands, trying to stay busy while he answers, “Don’t start.”
“Can’t believe you’re still with him.”
“Mac, I’m telling you,” Jensen returns angrily.
She turns to him, and they’re close, with just a few dishes between them. “Really, Jensen, why? No, actually, I wanna know how it’s possible?”
Jensen drops his plates to the table with a loud clatter, ignoring how the noise signals chips and shatters. Everyone looks, but he just barks, “Outside,” and marches out of the room.
Jared watches Mackenzie watch Jensen leave, sees how it takes her a few seconds before she follows, but it’s with determination and a kick in her step. Jared rushes right behind her, out the front door on her heels, and is just as surprised as she is with Jensen’s immediate attack.
“I cannot believe you. Damnit, Mackenzie. It’s Christmas. Give me a fucking break for once.”
She’s yelling right back, and it’s obvious that this has been an issue between them for some time, because they’re fierce and pushing right into each other’s space as they battle for ground in the argument. Mackenzie’s mouth is sharper than she is tall, making up for the fact that she has to look up into Jensen’s anger, but it’s not stopping her at all. “Yes, you’re right. I’ll step back and watch you in torment while your boyfriend is phonefucking someone else.”
His face screws up and he yells back, “Oh stop being so melodramatic!”
“Stop being blind! Jesus, Jensen. I heard him on the phone.”
“It was his mom!”
“God! You are so stupid!” she rages back, as if Jensen’s pain is in fact hers, as if Dan’s betrayal was on her.
Jared’s torn through it, watching Mackenzie fight and push herself into Jensen’s headspace, to make him understand. But he sees how Jensen is firm on the issue, far in denial and ignoring every bit of Mackenzie’s words. They continue yelling, Mackenzie making her point and bringing up so many other times this has been of issue, telling of Dan’s constant infidelity and Jensen’s continuous ignorance. Jensen’s fight willows. He’s still mad and yelling, but there are less words, less interruptions to his sister’s ranting until he finally says tiredly, “God, shut the fuck up,” and then slumps onto the stairs of the front porch. His head drops into his hands and he’s breathing heavily as Mackenzie just watches. “I don’t need this.”
“To get a lecture? When you’re this dumb, you definitely need one.”
“I know, alright? I fucking know. I know he’s cheating.”
Jared has the same reaction as Mackenzie to Jensen’s sensitive words, to the drop in his voice, the waver in the tone. Both faces drop with emotion and care and they each step closer, but Jared stops when it dawns on him that he isn’t really part of this, and he leaves it to Mackenzie to reach the stairs and fall beside Jensen. Her arms pull him in, looking anything but the part of little sister, and more of equal, confidant, comforter.
Jensen sighs, ragged and long. “I’m too old for this.”
Her head leans into his, and she kisses the top of his head as her voice goes gentle. “You’re never too old for this.”
“No, to be alone, to be out there looking.”
“God, you are so stupid,” she says once again, but with much less heat and more concern and pain.
Jensen shifts away from her but not too far out of her space. He rests his head in his hands, elbows on his knees, and breathes long and deep, easing himself. “I just … it’s not that bad. I deal, whatever. It’s better than being alone.”
“There’s a big difference between lonely and alone,” Mackenzie says with a tiny tilt to her voice and with her face moving closer to his. “Remember that?”
He turns his head, pushes a fist into his temple as he watches her for a long while, until he finally says, rather pathetically, “He’s just … ”
“He’s not Jared,” she says immediately, with enough strength that says she truly means it and has been wanting to say it for a long time. “He’s tall and has the cute hair and the charming smile, but that’s it. It ends there, and you know it.”
“Oh fuck,” Jared whispers, as it’s all finally, truly, absolutely hitting him. The dump in his stomach, the ache in his chest, the sharp pins in his spine. Jensen’s miserable, trying to fill the void, Jared’s void, and at the same time as this Christmas future, he’s miserable and alone, without family, and the pitiable fact of it all is they’re complete strangers. To each other and themselves. Abandoning the bright, beautifully dynamic men they had once been, and falling to the path of least resistance. Ignoring what was right before them the entire time.
For five years in Vancouver, they were everything to each other. Roommates, best friends, co-workers … next step would’ve been life partners. There were enough times they joked over it. Next step would’ve been to erase that line and be together with that one last stretch of emotion to keep them together, to make them better than ever. It was right there, one final piece waiting to click. And Jared sees it now. Feels it in the pain swirling within, knowing how unhappy Jensen is here, how unhappy they’ll both be.
Jensen’s shaking his head, turning away as he tries to convince her. “No, that’s not it. I didn’t even think - ”
“Jensen, please,” Mackenzie pleads as she slips closer to him again. “Please end it. Be done with him. If you’re gonna settle, do it with someone who at least likes you.”
Mark slides into place beside Jared, starts talking loud enough that Jared can no longer catch what Jensen and Mackenzie are saying. “Poor guy. Boyfriend’s cheating on him and then his sister pounds it into his head. I can’t even imagine.”
Jared can hear how Mark’s voice is easy and caring. He’s not cheapening this moment. He swipes a hand through his hair, weighed down by not just Jensen’s deconstruction, but also by his own epiphany. Right here, he wants to grab Jensen, shake him from his stupidity then crush him into his own body, hold him tight, make things right. “He was never that guy,” Jared says quietly, still watching Jensen and Mackenzie talk, but not knowing what’s being said. “He always ended things when they ran its course. He didn’t drag it out or stick around too long. He took care of himself.”
“Kind of like he did with you.”
He looks to Mark, sees the careful yet knowing smirk, and it hits him once more. Jensen ended contact with him when they ran their course. He cut himself off to protect his own needs and wants. He’s loved Jared all this time and couldn’t stand to draw out the charade of being so close but not quite there.
Mark continues watching him, but Jared’s focused on Jensen and Mackenzie as they move back into the house. “Wait,” Jared pushes, taking quick steps closer to the house, but it withers away in a slow burn to an empty landscape. Jared looks around, nothing surrounding them for miles. Just the two of them, standing on flat earth with a stark sky around them. “What happened? What’d he say? He left him, right?”
The corner of Mark’s mouth quirks and he gives a short nod. It all betrays his words, hitting Jared in the gut, sharp daggers piercing. “He doesn’t.” Mark shrugs, like this is light news, like it’s not going to slowly kill Jared. “Tries, but never quite lets go. Just hangs on. They stay together for a long time. A miserable long time.”
Jared’s breathing increases, gets heavy in his lungs and pushes his chest up and out on each inhale. He looks up with heavy eyelids, unseeing eyes staring up into the dark sky. There are so many things filling his brain, dying to get out, but he can’t manage any words, doesn’t know where to start, doesn’t know where they lead.
With tight fists, he punches his own head, pushes them into his forehead with low muttered curses. He drops down to a crouch, hides his face in his hands, and lets out a pitiful, “I don’t know what to do.”
“Yeah,” Mark says slowly, like he doesn’t know how to help. He’s then just beside Jared, easy hand on his head and pressing with just enough pressure that it’s weird, but not painful. “You’ll figure it out.”
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Part Five
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