Oistros by airgiodslv, commentary by formerlydf, 1/2
Title: Oistros
Author: airgiodslv
Fandom: Bandom
Commentator: formerlydf
Ryan does this thing.
It happens every two-and-a-half years or so, and is apparently genetic, but that’s really all Spencer knows. He’d asked a lot of questions the first time, but Ryan just kept answering, “I don’t know,” so Spencer had pragmatically stopped asking.
Besides, the first time it happened, Spencer had been kind of busy anyway.
Spencer is really good at understatement. He just tends to ignore whatever he considers unnecessary. This trait will pop up often throughout this story, and I will often react like this: "Oh, Spencer. *sighs*"
-
It’s like going into heat, like with cats, with the added bonus of becoming completely fixated on one specific person. Spencer isn’t sure whether cats do that or not, but if they do, it’s much less freaky than when Ryan does it.
Ryan had fixated on Spencer the first time, and Spencer had spent most of a week that summer learning all about sex at age twelve, which was convenient in some ways because it made puberty considerably less daunting.
Oh, Spencer. *sighs* (See? Told you.) The kid was 12, for fuck's sake. He hadn't even fully gone through puberty yet, and some of it must have been terrifying - he was getting practically molested by his best friend during 7th grade - but does Spencer mention this? Of course not. Spencer is incredibly grown up in this story, when he shouldn't have to be.
The second time it had been Ryan’s girlfriend, which had been painful to watch because he went crazy trying not to scare her off and then she dumped him halfway through anyway, which was a whole different headache.
The important lesson learned that time had been that no matter how close they were, once Ryan had picked someone, it was out of Spencer’s hands.
The idea of Ryan going into heat and being driven by his hormones is really intriguing because in all other aspects of his life, especially at this point, when he's in his late teens, he's so controlled, but now he loses all of his restraint. I really think, though, that it's the same case for Spencer as well. Ryan, who likes being in control of himself, loses that. Spencer, who tries to keep control of every given situation, loses that. (Brendon, meanwhile, loses his virginity. *coughs*) It's pretty shitty for both of them.
-
Spencer knows they’re getting close to a third time around, because he keeps track of these things. He has contingency plans.
See? He needs to make sure things go right. And in some respects, I think he has to; he's the organized one, the scheduled one, the grown-up. And yet...
According to his calendar, though, which has ‘RYAN’ written in red and underlined so hard it’s scored the paper, it should be next month, once they’re safely out of the Maryland studio and Spencer can keep Ryan locked in his basement if necessary.
Instead, he gets up from recording the first drum tracks, stretches and rolls out his shoulders, and catches sight of Ryan. Ryan, who is staring hungrily and in no way subtly at Brendon’s mouth. Ryan, who looks about three seconds away from pouncing, and Spencer knows that look.
“No,” he says out loud, like that can possibly stop it. “Ryan, no.”
Brendon says, “What?”
Brendon! (Yeah, that reaction's going to pop up a lot, too.)
-
“Leave him alone,” Spencer snaps as soon as he’s dragged Ryan outside, out of earshot and into the humid east coast summer.
Ryan kicks moodily at gravel, sulking with his hands stuffed in his pockets, less mindlessly predatory now that he’s out of Brendon’s immediate presence. “I can’t.”
“This means nothing good,” Spencer warns him, trying to sound intimidating and probably just looking ridiculous, in skinny jeans with fraying cuffs and a baby-doll t-shirt with a rainbow. He wishes he’d dressed more like a mafia enforcer this morning. “Not for the band, not for you.”
The descriptions in this fic are just incredible. Seriously, I really would not mind living inside airgiodslv's brain. Mindlessly predatory. I can just see everything. And Spencer wanting to look like a mafia enforcer instead of a pretty little girl! Although really, if there were anyone who could be a mafia enforcer whilst simultaneously wearing girl's clothes, it would be Spencer Smith.
“I know,” Ryan grumps, sending more gravel flying before he gives up and sits down.
Spencer stands there for another minute, hips cocked and arms folded, and then sighs and sits beside him. “Is it too late to pick someone else?”
Ryan nods. “It feels like it’s been happening for a while. Not a long time, I mean, just a couple of days.” He holds his hands up when Spencer opens his mouth. “I wasn’t paying attention, okay? This wasn’t supposed to happen for another month.”
“I know.” Spencer slumps again, and thinks about kicking the gravel.
“I’m only fixated on him because he keeps fucking up my lyrics,” Ryan complains. “Jesus.”
“Ryan,” Spencer warns, and isn’t sure what to say beyond that. He settles for another sigh.
-
“Really?” Brendon says when they tell him. There’s no way they could not tell him, although Spencer’s been putting it off for as long as possible. But this afternoon Brendon had played something new at the keyboard, eyes closed and lips parted, swaying as his fingers arched over the keys, and Spencer had thought despairingly, fuck, that’s it.
I would just like to point out here that Spencer may think he's just noticing this because of the situation, but he would be very, very wrong.
“No, we’re making this up,” Ryan says snidely. “Asshole.”
“Ryan,” Spencer says again, even though it was a pretty stupid question. Ryan just glares mutely at him.
“I think I read something about that once,” Brendon says thoughtfully. “Maybe in…”
“If you say Harry Potter, I will kill you,” Ryan says, perfectly flat, but that doesn’t make it any less of a threat.
“Biology,” Brendon finishes, looking surprised at Ryan’s interjection. “Although Harry Potter, that would be cool too. Maybe you’re a wizard.”
Oh, Ryan. If you had just let him finish the sentence, you wouldn't have given him ideas! Although I really want to know just what his biology class was talking about. Animals going into heat, probably, but I keep on getting this hysterical image of a wizened old biology teacher talking about pon farr and Star Trek.
Ryan’s hands tighten slowly on the cuffs of his jeans, strangling denim. Spencer starts thinking up ways to help them all survive the week.
Strangling denim.I love that phrase. Also, I would like to point out that in trying times, Ryan, angry because he has to trust this guy with something so private, starts abusing his clothing, which is something he has control over. Meanwhile, Spencer, trying to bounce back and adapt to this chaotic situation, starts planning again.
-
By nightfall, Ryan’s completely gone. Spencer runs interference when he can, blames Ryan’s weird moods on the stress and pressure of recording when anyone starts giving him sideways looks, and rushes everyone out as soon as they finish working for the day.
Brendon had started out giving Ryan space, obviously thinking that would help, but after the fourth time Ryan had cornered him just to rub his arm or lean against him, he’d changed tactics and stayed close. It probably helped, a little, but from the look in Ryan’s eyes, the calming effect was rapidly wearing thin beneath the intense desire to start throwing Brendon into walls.
I find this a very, very nice image. I can't help it.
They’re sharing rooms anyway, it’s no big deal to make up an excuse and switch so Brendon’s in with Ryan. That’s what they had all decided would be for the best, although Spencer privately has his doubts. He knows Brendon is probably thinking he’s in for a week of string-free buddy sex, but Spencer doesn’t really know how to explain to him that it’s going to be a whole lot more than that, and in the end, not as much fun as it sounds.
I can't help but feel that Brendon doesn't actually think this, given what he divulges in the next section, but there are a few instances of Ryan and Spencer underestimating Brendon. It feels a little like they unconsciously expect less of anyone not involved in their clique of two. And I don't mean that in a bad way, necessarily; it's just that they're bad at opening up. I also think it's partly due to Spencer's need to take care of things; he automatically doubts that other people can do it, which is why he takes so much upon himself.
But that's enough psychological analysis for now, I think. *coughs* Anyway.
In the middle of dinner, Ryan leans over and licks a smear of pizza sauce off Brendon’s neck. They all freeze while Brent stares, and then Brendon starts laughing and says, “Gross, Ross,” and licks him back. Brent is still looking at them like they’re aliens, but that’s how he usually looks at them, so Spencer thinks they’re still okay. He sends behave sternly across the room with his eyes and brainwaves, and Ryan sets his chin but manages to keep his tongue away from Brendon for the rest of the meal.
Small victories, Spencer thinks, and mentally congratulates them for getting through day one.
Oh, Spencer. It's like a pep talk! A pep talk in his brain!
-
Brendon fidgets the whole time they’re getting ready for bed, and looks like he’s trying to pull Spencer aside about a dozen times just in the course of brushing and flossing his teeth, so Spencer finally corners him while Ryan is on the phone and says, “What?”
Brendon looks up and down the hallway, shifting his weight from foot to foot while some fierce internal debate rages, and finally drags Spencer into the bathroom with him and shuts the door. Spencer’s startled yelp is purely one of surprise, and can’t be held against him should anyone mention it in the future.
“See, there’s this, um,” Brendon starts, doing the weight-shifting dance again, and Spencer crosses his arms and gives him a look that says get on with it, so he hastily rushes out, “I’m kind of a virgin.”
Spencer stares at him like that will make Brendon take it back, and then thinks fuck. “Fuck.”
There are even more complications to deal with now. Spencer is not happy. Also, I suspect that he's more than slightly worries for Brendon.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Brendon says, like it’s his fault that Ryan has faulty genetic wiring. His hands have started screwing up his sleep shirt until the fabric is stretched and wrinkled. It says, Summer Camp ’02: God is the way to salvation. Spencer thinks Jesus Christ.
Heh. *snickers* What? Jesus Christ, God is the way to salvation... I found it amusing. Also, Brendon. All the characterisations in this story are just amazing. Of course Brendon would apologize for being a virgin and having Ryan focus on him. There's just so much going on below the surface here, with everybody and their issues.
“Okay,” Spencer says, putting together a mental list, being practical. “You can probably get away with handjobs and blowjobs tonight, you just have to be firm with him when you don’t want something. Do you know how to use condoms?”
“Um.” Brendon’s neck is flushing, spreading up to color his cheeks. “In theory?”
Fuck. “I’ll be right back,” Spencer says, because condoms and lube are kind of important, and Ryan sure as hell won’t be thinking about them. The weight of sanity rests solely on Brendon. Spencer hopes he’s ready for it.
Which is one of the things I think Spencer hates about this situation - he has to depend on Brendon, and he doesn't know if he can.
-
When he steps out of the bathroom, he nearly runs into Ryan, who is in the process of trying to burn the door down with his eyes. Spencer closes the door behind him, blocking Brendon from view, and says, “Girl talk. We just need a few more minutes, and so help me God, Ryan, if you touch him before I get back, I will break your arm.”
Girl talk. I could die. Also, I have this crazy image in my head of Spencer doing the condom-on-a-banana demonstration.
Ryan smolders resentfully at him, but the suspicious jealousy has given way to sulking, so Spencer could really care less.
He grabs a condom and a bottle of lube from his bag, just in case, and manages to slip into the bathroom again without attracting Ryan’s attention. “Okay, this is the quicknotes version,” he tells Brendon in a rush, ripping open one of the foil packages. “I’m going to do it once, and then you’re going to do it, and then ask me whatever questions you have that I can answer in a hurry, because Ryan’s getting kind of…”
He lets that trail off. Brendon knows what Ryan is kind of getting like. Or he has an idea, anyway. He’s about to get a much, much better one.
Understatement! Told you.
Brendon swallows and nods. “Right," he says, bobbing his head. “Cool.”
He looks scared. Spencer guesses he would be too, but he also knows what Brendon is about to walk into, so he stops and says slowly, “You don’t have to do this.”
They’d never actually said that. They’d just explained, and Brendon had nodded and taken it in, and asked as many questions as Spencer had at first, although Brendon’s had been more along the lines of, “Are you, like, one of those guys on the Viagra commercials who should seek help if they have an erection lasting longer than six hours?” and Ryan had looked ready to strangle him.
To his credit, Brendon actually stops and thinks it over for a few seconds. Then he smiles, cheerful and careless, and says, “If I don’t, who will? I’m saving the world here, Spence, people are depending on me.”
The fact that they never actually said to Brendon, "Hey, this is kind of terrifying and is really going to suck, if you're really super freaked out you don't have to do it," is just... Hmm. This may not be particularly clear, but bear with me here for a minute.
It makes sense, is the thing, that they wouldn't mention this, because neither of them is thinking about Brendon. Maybe Spencer would be, but I suspect he's caught up in trying to get things under as much control as he could again, and he's too worried about Ryan, because obviously, things are going to suck a lot for Ryan if he doesn't get to sex Brendon up. Being business-like means not always thinking about how other people are going to feel. Ryan, meanwhile, is fighting his instincts as much as he can, so he's not going to be thinking clearly. (And I almost feel like, in a way, even if he was thinking clearly, he would just sort of... expect Bendon to say yes.) And Brendon isn't going to say no, because that's not what Brendon does. Not when, as he himself says, people are depending on him. That's another theme of this fic; Brendon wants to make other people happy. He's just so, so eager to please.
(I can see this stretching out to the larger picture, with the band - Ryan needs Panic, has invested everything into it, and maybe Brendon wasn't anticipating being in anything bigger than a garage band, but he got sucked in and ended up getting kicked out of his house, etc. Maybe he got tired and thought about becoming a hairdresser, but he would never do it, not when Ryan needed him so much. Plus, obviously he loved the band too and all that, but I like to think the point still holds.)
And of course Brendon asked questions about Viagra. *snickers*
Spencer rolls his eyes and tries not to feel too relieved. “Okay,” he says, refocusing their attention before Ryan starts breaking down the door. “Condoms.”
-
Brendon comes out late to breakfast, or late for him, anyway, which is just after 8 AM. Spencer does a quick evaluation and wordlessly passes the cereal.
“Thanks,” Brendon says, filling his bowl up with five different kinds of sugar and food coloring. He doesn’t wince when he sits down, so Spencer’s guessing he successfully negotiated his way out of the more daunting physical activities.
“Did you sleep at all?” he asks, as Brendon nearly pours orange juice over his cereal instead of milk.
The orange juice is a tiny detail, but I love it. Same with the sleep-dust below.
Brendon shrugs, knuckling sleep-dust out of his eyes. “Some. Mostly this morning.”
Spencer starts to say something else, but just then Ryan appears, looking just as rumpled as Brendon in faded flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt with two holes near the hem, the bright stain of a hickey creeping out from under his collar. It figures Brendon would be the one to leave hickeys.
Ryan blinks once before his gaze focuses on Brendon, sharp and sudden, and Spencer sees Brendon’s eyes widen in response, like some part of him had thought it was over now, or would only happen at night.
Brendon talks a big game, but Spencer’s fairly sure he still harbors romantic notions about the morning after involving soft smiles and touches and maybe slow, gentle sex in the shower.
He’s probably going to get the shower sex part, but it’s not going to be particularly gentle.
“Hey,” Spencer says casually, to distract Ryan from Brendon for a minute so he can at least wolf down some breakfast. He’s going to need the energy.
Nnh. Spencer Smith, relentlessly practical. And all of Brendon's romanticism is going to get crushed - for now, at least. Brendon's not a fragile flower, after all. *smiles*
-
Recording is hell. That’s a nice way of putting it.
Brendon is completely useless when he doesn’t get enough sleep anyway, and the fact that Ryan is constantly staring at Brendon like he wants to make a meal of him really isn’t helping. Brendon fumbles chords, drops equipment worth several thousand dollars, forgets the words, and can’t seem to stop himself from going into spasms of nervous laughter every time it happens.
Ryan is on edge and frustrated by more than just the music, so it’s nobody’s fault, but when Ryan rips into Brendon for the umpteenth time over the same exact line, Brendon finally squares his shoulders and fights back.
I love Brendon fighting back. The phrase "growing a backbone" wouldn't be fair, but I do think that, at least in this fic, Brendon's eagerness to please means that he gets walked over sometimes. He's resilient, yeah, but that doesn't mean he needs to take whatever gets dealed out - and even if he still has a hard time saying no for the sex stuff, it's nice when he takes a stand during the music parts. Maybe he doesn't know how to say no, but he's learning.
“Hey, Ross,” he says. “Could you maybe try not to be so pissy?”
No one moves. Then Ryan breaks their silent staring contest to throw down his guitar and storm out, hands balled into fists.
Spencer hesitates for a minute, torn, but Brendon doesn’t look particularly upset, just resigned. Spencer goes after Ryan.
Because that's what Spencer does; he takes care of Ryan. That brief moment of hesitation says a lot, though. This fic is about a lot of things; one part is Spencer and his growing feelings for Brendon, even if at the moment they've been tamped down, because they're not practical. There's another underlying layer, though, which is that Spencer and Ryan are slowly expanding their circle of two to include Brendon. More on that later.
-
“Would a blowjob help?” Spencer asks casually when Ryan storms out for the second time, kicking viciously at the already-abused gravel outside their door.
That gravel really has been abused. It gets treated almost as roughly as Brendon, and at least Brendon has Spencer to cuddle it better.
Ryan glares at him so fiercely that he ought to have flames shooting out of his eyeballs. Spencer leans against the wall and doesn’t flinch.
“Because I could probably make that happen,” he continues. “If I suddenly have a fit of insecurity about the way one of my tracks was laid down, will it give you enough time?”
Ryan unwinds a little, hands and shoulders uncurling reluctantly. “Yeah,” he says finally. “I think so.”
“Go disappear,” Spencer tells him, pushing off the wall. “I’ll send Brendon to you.”
He’s nearly through the door when Ryan speaks up. “Spence.”
Spencer turns around and arches his eyebrows. Ryan folds his arms awkwardly and looks at the ground, then grimaces and meets his eyes. “Thanks.”
Spencer just shrugs, a silent what are friends for? and goes in to play fussy artist.
I love, love, love airgiodslv's Ryan&Spencer. It doesn't matter what fic; she just writes their relationship so fantastically. Spencer isn't intimidated by Ryan, and he knows what Ryan needs. They have a long, close history, and it's all there behind the words.
-
The next morning, it’s pretty clear that more happened than just blowjobs.
“Okay?” Spencer asks when Brendon sits down for breakfast, moving slowly and gingerly the whole time.
Brendon’s face is kind of pale even for Brendon, and he winces when he leans forward to pick up the cereal box. “Yeah,” he says, shrugging it off. “Just, you know.”
“Yeah,” Spencer says. He can sympathize; he knows what Ryan’s cock looks like, and it’s a fairly safe bet that it hasn’t gotten any smaller since the last time Spencer saw it.
*snickers* Talk of Ryan's monster-cock will never cease to amuse me.
“We need more Cocoa Puffs,” Brent says, coming up behind them and reaching for the box. His leg jostles Brendon’s chair, and Spencer sees Brendon blanch before his expression clears and he puts a hand over his face, pink with embarrassment and laughing a little.
When Brent takes his cereal bowl over to the couch to watch cartoons while he eats, Spencer leans over and drops his voice. “Hey,” he says quietly. “It does get easier.”
Brendon looks dubious, but he smiles anyway. “I can totally handle it. I’m a pro,” he says, and Spencer rolls his eyes again but doesn’t comment.
Brendon. Brendon in pain. Brendon in pain but trying to hide it by laughing and making jokes. *sighs* I just want to hug him, god. I would be dubious too, Spencer.
Ryan comes in right after that, so Spencer doesn’t get the chance to say anything else anyway.
That anyway just solidifies the feeling of all these words that are being left unsaid. A lot of words.
-
Brendon naps on the couch during lunch, and Spencer thinks it’s probably good for him to get all the sleep he can, so he just saves the veggie sandwich for later. Brendon can eat it while they lay Ryan’s guitar tracks.
Spencer and his plans again.
Brent heads over and acts like he’s going to shake Brendon awake, so Spencer heads him off and tries not to let the volume level get too out of hand. Ryan is nowhere to be found, probably outside texting Pete a progress report and avoiding Brendon.
Which makes sense. I mean, I kind of have the sense that even if he got a break from the crazy sex-hormones of doom, he would still be avoiding Brendon, because Brendon is both the catalyst and physical reminder of Ryan's loss of control. Okay, wow, this whole commentary is just full of me pretending I actually know shit about psychology. Anyway.
They have ten minutes left on lunch when Ryan comes back in, his whole body tense, looking anywhere but Brendon. Spencer meets his gaze and raises his eyebrows, nodding questioningly towards Brendon. Ryan has the grace to look pained, but he nods shortly.
Spencer rests a hand on Brendon’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “Bren. Hey.”
Brendon wakes up bleary and disoriented, fumbling to set his glasses back in place on the bridge of his nose. “Hey,” he slurs. “What?”
“Ten minutes before we get started again,” Spencer says.
“Thanks,” Brendon says, and looks ready to go back to sleep for the next nine-and-a-half, but then he catches sight of Ryan and some of the grogginess drops away. “Oh. Right.”
Spencer opens his mouth to say that Brendon doesn’t have to do this every time they ask, but Brendon knows that already, and he really kind of does have to if they want to avoid an incident.
An incident. Understatement again! (Also, it reminds me of Maskerade by Terry Pratchett, except instead of the "incidents" being people dying, these would be... Hmm. Ryan tackling Brendon to the ground and molesting him in full view of everyone, probably. Anyway, it doesn't matter here that Brendon has to say yes. Would he really say no anyway? We've already discussed his difficulties with that.
Brendon just smiles at him and reaches up to squeeze the hand that Spencer still has on his shoulder. “Thanks,” he says again, and follows Ryan.
-
Ryan and Brendon turn in early and Brent’s talking to his girlfriend in the bedroom he shares with Spencer, so Spencer stays out in the living room for a while watching television. He thinks he might be getting homesick, in the way that he’s starting to miss things like his computer desk and DVD collection and his mom’s cookies. The couch here is too lumpy.
Brent comes out after a while with a weird look on his face. Spencer moves his legs so Brent can sit down, and then they watch TV together until the credits roll, which is when Spencer starts flipping channels again and Brent says uncomfortably, “I think Brendon and Ryan are having sex.”
BRENT. *snickers uncontrollably* I'm sorry, I just find that incredibly entertaining. Guess they really are good at keeping it on the DL.
Also, it really illuminates how out of the loop Brent is, which if we look into the future is pretty much a precursor for him leaving the band. Ryan and Spencer may not have wanted to tell Brendon, but they had to, and he's in now. Brent is out of the loop, though, and obviously not trusted, because Ryan and Spencer don't trust anyone else. Which is actually a problem, since if they're going to be in a band with two other people, spending the majority of their time crammed into metal boxes for years and years, they're going to need to let other people in.
Spencer doesn’t let the muscles in his face so much as twitch. “What?” he asks, making it both as bland and vaguely forbidding as possible.
Brent squirms around a little, but he doesn’t back down. “It sounds like they’re, you know,” he says, with a hand gesture that looks nothing like anything Spencer has ever done with guys, but which probably equals gay gay sex in Brent’s head.
Win. *grins* Also, it's never explicitly stated, but I very much doubt that any of them have told Brent that hey, they kind of like guys, too. I don't think he's precisely homophobic - his comment below is just about the band - but anyway, if they've all been friends for so long, shouldn't they trust him?
Spencer arches his eyebrows slowly and deliberately. “So?” he asks.
He’s intimidated Brent before, but apparently this is one of those things he’s just not going to drop. “Don’t you think it’s…with the band, and…”
He tapers off, and Spencer turns back to the television. “Maybe one of them brought a girl back,” he says, shrugging. There’s no way Brent’s going to believe that, not with both of them in the same bedroom and nowhere else to go, but it’s worth a shot. He bares his teeth in something approximating a grin. “Maybe they both brought a girl back.”
He sees threesome dawn slowly in Brent’s eyes, and sets down the remote. He’s too tired for television suddenly, and maybe Ryan will be worn out and quiet enough for a little while that Spencer can fall asleep.
Spencer seems so unhappy here. The teeth, and the sleeping... I can just feel his exhaustion bleeding out of the words.
-
He finds Brendon in the bathroom in the morning, staring at the sink. Spencer shifts a few times, trying to decide how desperately he needs to relieve himself, and finally nudges Brendon over far enough that he can brush his teeth.
Brendon’s gaze flicks over to him as he starts brushing, and then down and away again. It’s pretty obviously avoidance, so Spencer just spits, rinses, waits until Brendon sneaks another look at him in the mirror, and gives him an expression that says what?
Because someone has to be the grown-up confidante. Whatever problem Brendon has, Spencer is going to solve it.
Brendon laughs a little nervously, glancing away again, and then starts to talk before he bites his lip and stops. Spencer gives him five seconds, then reaches out and deliberately shuts the bathroom door. If Brent catches them, he’ll just make something up. If Ryan catches them…well, Spencer can handle Ryan.
Spencer puts his toothbrush away, crosses his arms, and waits.
It only takes a few seconds before Brendon caves. “I’m kind of, um,” he says, waving his hand around and not meeting Spencer’s eyes. “Bleeding. Still.”
Brendon. I just. God. No words for that boy. (airgiodslv's Brendon is always fabulous, just like her Spencer and Ryan. Always, always, always.)
Spencer blinks, then uncrosses his arms. “Since when?” he asks, and wonders if he has enough time this morning to go online and look up what’s normal. He’s almost certain it varies.
Spencer is so detached and clinical here, which I very much suspect is both a reaction to outside situations (like I said, he's decided that he has to be the responsible one around here) and also a defense strategy of sorts, although I have no absolute proof for the latter.
“I guess the last time was around three o’clock?” Brendon tries, face scrunched up as he tries to remember. “Maybe four.”
Spencer frowns, stomach sinking a little. “How many times?” he asks, and tries not to sound accusatory, because Brendon really is just trying to help.
“Three last night,” Brendon says, blushing slightly the way he still does whenever sex comes up. “Two the night before, I think. That’s not…I mean, not counting blowjobs and stuff. It bled a little before, but not…like this.”
Spencer swears loud and long enough that Brendon winces. “Say no,” he orders, before he rips into Brendon any more for being an idiot who tries to make people happy at his own expense. “When that fails, say fuck no.”
But here the clinicality disappears, which is actually a good sign, because it would have been really fucking creepy if he'd managed to stay detached. He's worried, and he's angry, which all makes sense because Brendon really needs to learn how to say no.
Brendon has the grace to look embarrassed. “I know,” he says. “I know, I was just…”
“You’re the only one with any sense left,” Spencer says, sharp enough that Brendon’s mouth snaps shut. “Use it. Tell him fucking no.”
Brendon nods, and Spencer balls his hands into fists and walks out before he can do anything stupid.
Spencer's very contained throughout this entire story; he doesn't let his feelings out, not even really to himself, but slowly we - I, at least - begin to feel the shape of them. Spencer's actions really do say a lot, even if a lot of the time he's just carefully keeping himself from doing anything.
And that last brings up an interesting question: what counts as stupid for Spencer? Would it be hitting Brendon for being an idiot? Or would it be reaching out to touch the boy who, for all intents and purposes, "belongs" to Spencer's best friend for the better part of the next week?
-
Spencer goes out for lunch instead of eating with everyone else, taking some time to clear his head. He’s not all that necessary today anyway; they’re not doing anything with drums, so mostly he’s just hanging out and offering the occasional opinion when they decide to change something.
It’s not a big detour, so he goes across to the pharmacy to pick up a mild laxative and some numbing ointment while he’s out. He should have known Brendon wouldn’t say no. Brendon is like a big brown-eyed puppy, eager to please and falling all over himself to apologize when he thinks he’s done something wrong.
He sits on the grass and watches the clouds for a while, eating his sandwich, before dusting himself off and heading back to the studio.
It's just a small moment, but I'm really glad that Spencer has this moment to himself. I think he really needs it. And just for the record, I think that description of Brendon is spot-on.
There are two take-away containers in the kitchen with his name on them, one labeled in Ryan’s careful handwriting and the other in Brendon’s scrawl, with a smiley-face doodle that’s probably Brendon’s way of asking for forgiveness.
He checks inside the containers before he puts them away. The one Ryan left him has all of his favorites, neatly separated by dividers. The one Brendon left is basically a pile of everything squashed together, but there’s also enough food to feed a small army.
Spencer stacks them and puts them both away in the refrigerator, smiling. He writes ‘Thank you’ with a smiley-face on a piece of paper to slip onto Brendon’s keyboard, and heads back out to rejoin his band.
It's like a metaphor or something! Ryan knows Spencer, knows Spencer's favorites. Brendon doesn't, but he tries, and he's very enthusiastic about it. Also, how much do I love that smiley-face? A lot. It's just a small thing, but a lot of Spencer's actions are so small in this that it feels like it means more.
-
Spencer catches Ryan just before they turn in, in the hallway which is too public for this conversation, but he says it anyway, voice lowered against potential eavesdroppers. “Blowjobs tonight.”
Ryan looks pissed-off but also aggressive in the way he only ever gets when he feels guilty about it. “I’m trying to be careful,” he says, which is probably true, or at least as true as it can be when Ryan’s in the middle of his hormone-crazed mating cycle.
This entire section is just perfect and full of amazing, amazing Spencer&Ryan. Would anyone else really be able to distinguish Ryan's guilty-aggressive face? And watch them lower their guards with each other, and only each other.
“I’m just saying,” Spencer says evenly. “Take a night off.”
Ryan makes the bitchiest face he can manage, thin arms wrapped around his skinny body. He folds almost immediately, though, shoulders drooping. “I know,” he says, eyes closing. “Fuck.”
Spencer moves in for a careful hug. He and Ryan aren’t really huggers, they never have been, but this is definitely the time to make exceptions. Ryan resists for the briefest second, then gives in and squeezes back briefly before they both let go.
“I wish it was you,” Ryan says wistfully, rubbing at a bruise on his arm. “You never gave me a hard time.”
Spencer rolls his eyes. “I told you fuck no you couldn’t fuck my mouth, and made you rub off against my leg because I was too tired to give you a handjob,” he says by way of reminder.
I love you, Spencer. I just felt that I should mention that right now.
Ryan looks briefly startled, like he’d forgotten that part. Then he smiles slightly, teeth glinting. “You always knew how to handle me,” he says, with what counts as a leer coming from Ryan, hip bumping Spencer’s.
Spencer snorts. “Go to bed,” he says, scratching his stomach where his shirt has ridden up. “And I mean it about the blowjobs.”
“Spence,” Ryan says, urgent enough to make Spencer stop and turn to look at him. They stare at each other for a few seconds, silent, and then Ryan says, “I do wish it was you.”
They’ve been best friends for long enough that Spencer knows it for what it is, and can lean in to knock his elbow against Ryan’s when he says, “I know. Me too.”
This scene, okay. I just have no words for it. They're not attracted to each other, but it would be easier if it was Spencer, just because they know each other so well and they're so close that it wouldn't matter. This would be just another thing for them to get past together, them against the world. Instead, they've got this third person being added in and changing all the dynamics, which complicates things. (The thing is, though, that even without the hormones it would be complicated anyway, because they're starting to have to let other people - let Brendon - in. This is just speeding it up a little.)
-
“Irresponsible,” Ryan fumes, and Spencer knows it’s mostly the hormones and the fact that Ryan isn’t exactly getting any sleep either, but he still has a reason to be pissed.
Something went wrong with the last mix, and now there’s a high-pitched whine shot through every single guitar track that Ryan has spent the past day and a half laying down. They’ve called a break to regroup, and everyone who isn’t in the band has fled Ryan’s sharp-tongued wrath.
Brent looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, but he knows Ryan would ream him if he tried to leave. Spencer is weathering the storm and providing moral support. Brendon is…Brendon is cutting pictures out of a magazine and pasting them onto a piece of paper.
Brendon! I also love the technique here. We're introduced to Ryan's rage, and we're feeling the tension and getting ready to weather it like Spencer, and then we get to the bit about Brendon and just kind of have to blink. Because... what?
Ryan seems to notice around the same time Spencer does. The pacing stops, along with the swearing and wildly flailing arms, and Ryan finally says, “Brendon. What are you doing?”
Brendon slicks glue onto his latest selection and pastes it into place. His tongue is poking out to one side in concentration, the same way it does when he tries to play a guitar riff he just heard on the radio without seeing the music.
He finally turns the paper around and holds it up. Snow White and three dwarves look back at them, all jumping out at odd angles and surrounded by creative bursts of music notes and flowers.
“I’m making cover art for our album,” Brendon says. “I thought Ryan would make a great Grumpy.”
For a second, no one moves. Spencer is ready to step in and prevent homicide if Ryan suddenly launches himself at Brendon, but Ryan just stands there, staring at Brendon’s ridiculous fake album cover.
Then his lips twitch, and he can’t hold back the smile. Brendon grins back at him, and Ryan just sits down, all of the fight going out of him at once as he slaps the paper out of Brendon’s hands. “Where did you even get a Disney catalogue? God.”
Brendon holds a finger against the side of his nose. “Don’t ask these questions, Ross, you know better.”
Ryan rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling, and Spencer thinks with some surprise that in his own way, Brendon knows how to handle Ryan too. He just goes about it differently.
I love this part so, so, so, so much. There's so many things behind it; trust, because Spencer realises that he maybe can trust Brendon with Ryan. Maybe he doesn't have to run interference all the time. And somehow, Brendon has managed to infiltrate - that's the best explanation I can give - their lives, sort of. He's not Brent, who's just there. He's part of them, and it's going to require a little re-shifting, because he has different ways, but that doesn't mean they won't work, that he doesn't fit.
And it sort of implies, too, that maybe Spencer doesn't have to be in charge of diffusing all situations. He doesn't have to be the one who works everything out.
(Also? Brendon.)
Then Ryan starts snickering in earnest, and Spencer realizes Snow White is the one behind the drum kit.
I really want to know who Brendon and Brent are, though. Brendon can't be Prince Charming, since that would be remarked upon, and would also defeat the "no mention of the Spencer/Brendon love, which is so secret that Spencer refuses to allow himself to realise it." I could see Brendon making himself either Happy or Dopey. And Brent... probably one of the dwarves who nobody remembers the name of. (Is that cruel?) I don't know. Maybe Sneezy, Sleepy or Doc.
-
It doesn’t get any better after the break, unfortunately. They decide to skip ahead and start layering vocal tracks while they sort out the guitar mix, which is stressful enough for Brendon and critically important for Ryan as it is, but now with the added disaster of Brendon’s voice sounding like it’s been scraped raw over a turbine blade.
Damn. Imagery like that makes my heart run in little spirals. Also, Brendon.
Brendon manages not to scream back at Ryan once the arguments start, which is a small favor because that would only make it worse. He’s not talking much at all, honestly, but the defiance in his eyes when he stares Ryan down clearly states that he’s preserving his voice, not agreeing with anything Ryan hurls at him in the heat of the moment.
Spencer and Brent can only do so much, and Brent isn’t even really trying. On the sixteenth take of the same song when Brendon’s voice cracks on the high note, Ryan finally says without inflection, “You sound like complete shit.”
Brendon takes off his headphones and says with barely-contained calm, “Gee, Ross, I wonder why that is.” Then he walks out.
Ryan fumes for a second, nostrils flaring, and then takes off in the opposite direction. This time, after a heartbeat of deliberation, Spencer goes after Brendon.
I love, love, love this scene. You can really just feel everything that's going on behind the blatant tension. Also, for the first time, Spencer goes after Brendon, and not Ryan. Like all of Spencer's actions in this fic, it's deliberate, understated, and means a lot more than what it is on the surface.
It's a turning point, of sorts, which also makes it a great midway point, because I started rambling so much that LJ wouldn't let me keep it as one post. Continued here.
Author: airgiodslv
Fandom: Bandom
Commentator: formerlydf
Ryan does this thing.
It happens every two-and-a-half years or so, and is apparently genetic, but that’s really all Spencer knows. He’d asked a lot of questions the first time, but Ryan just kept answering, “I don’t know,” so Spencer had pragmatically stopped asking.
Besides, the first time it happened, Spencer had been kind of busy anyway.
Spencer is really good at understatement. He just tends to ignore whatever he considers unnecessary. This trait will pop up often throughout this story, and I will often react like this: "Oh, Spencer. *sighs*"
-
It’s like going into heat, like with cats, with the added bonus of becoming completely fixated on one specific person. Spencer isn’t sure whether cats do that or not, but if they do, it’s much less freaky than when Ryan does it.
Ryan had fixated on Spencer the first time, and Spencer had spent most of a week that summer learning all about sex at age twelve, which was convenient in some ways because it made puberty considerably less daunting.
Oh, Spencer. *sighs* (See? Told you.) The kid was 12, for fuck's sake. He hadn't even fully gone through puberty yet, and some of it must have been terrifying - he was getting practically molested by his best friend during 7th grade - but does Spencer mention this? Of course not. Spencer is incredibly grown up in this story, when he shouldn't have to be.
The second time it had been Ryan’s girlfriend, which had been painful to watch because he went crazy trying not to scare her off and then she dumped him halfway through anyway, which was a whole different headache.
The important lesson learned that time had been that no matter how close they were, once Ryan had picked someone, it was out of Spencer’s hands.
The idea of Ryan going into heat and being driven by his hormones is really intriguing because in all other aspects of his life, especially at this point, when he's in his late teens, he's so controlled, but now he loses all of his restraint. I really think, though, that it's the same case for Spencer as well. Ryan, who likes being in control of himself, loses that. Spencer, who tries to keep control of every given situation, loses that. (Brendon, meanwhile, loses his virginity. *coughs*) It's pretty shitty for both of them.
-
Spencer knows they’re getting close to a third time around, because he keeps track of these things. He has contingency plans.
See? He needs to make sure things go right. And in some respects, I think he has to; he's the organized one, the scheduled one, the grown-up. And yet...
According to his calendar, though, which has ‘RYAN’ written in red and underlined so hard it’s scored the paper, it should be next month, once they’re safely out of the Maryland studio and Spencer can keep Ryan locked in his basement if necessary.
Instead, he gets up from recording the first drum tracks, stretches and rolls out his shoulders, and catches sight of Ryan. Ryan, who is staring hungrily and in no way subtly at Brendon’s mouth. Ryan, who looks about three seconds away from pouncing, and Spencer knows that look.
“No,” he says out loud, like that can possibly stop it. “Ryan, no.”
Brendon says, “What?”
Brendon! (Yeah, that reaction's going to pop up a lot, too.)
-
“Leave him alone,” Spencer snaps as soon as he’s dragged Ryan outside, out of earshot and into the humid east coast summer.
Ryan kicks moodily at gravel, sulking with his hands stuffed in his pockets, less mindlessly predatory now that he’s out of Brendon’s immediate presence. “I can’t.”
“This means nothing good,” Spencer warns him, trying to sound intimidating and probably just looking ridiculous, in skinny jeans with fraying cuffs and a baby-doll t-shirt with a rainbow. He wishes he’d dressed more like a mafia enforcer this morning. “Not for the band, not for you.”
The descriptions in this fic are just incredible. Seriously, I really would not mind living inside airgiodslv's brain. Mindlessly predatory. I can just see everything. And Spencer wanting to look like a mafia enforcer instead of a pretty little girl! Although really, if there were anyone who could be a mafia enforcer whilst simultaneously wearing girl's clothes, it would be Spencer Smith.
“I know,” Ryan grumps, sending more gravel flying before he gives up and sits down.
Spencer stands there for another minute, hips cocked and arms folded, and then sighs and sits beside him. “Is it too late to pick someone else?”
Ryan nods. “It feels like it’s been happening for a while. Not a long time, I mean, just a couple of days.” He holds his hands up when Spencer opens his mouth. “I wasn’t paying attention, okay? This wasn’t supposed to happen for another month.”
“I know.” Spencer slumps again, and thinks about kicking the gravel.
“I’m only fixated on him because he keeps fucking up my lyrics,” Ryan complains. “Jesus.”
“Ryan,” Spencer warns, and isn’t sure what to say beyond that. He settles for another sigh.
-
“Really?” Brendon says when they tell him. There’s no way they could not tell him, although Spencer’s been putting it off for as long as possible. But this afternoon Brendon had played something new at the keyboard, eyes closed and lips parted, swaying as his fingers arched over the keys, and Spencer had thought despairingly, fuck, that’s it.
I would just like to point out here that Spencer may think he's just noticing this because of the situation, but he would be very, very wrong.
“No, we’re making this up,” Ryan says snidely. “Asshole.”
“Ryan,” Spencer says again, even though it was a pretty stupid question. Ryan just glares mutely at him.
“I think I read something about that once,” Brendon says thoughtfully. “Maybe in…”
“If you say Harry Potter, I will kill you,” Ryan says, perfectly flat, but that doesn’t make it any less of a threat.
“Biology,” Brendon finishes, looking surprised at Ryan’s interjection. “Although Harry Potter, that would be cool too. Maybe you’re a wizard.”
Oh, Ryan. If you had just let him finish the sentence, you wouldn't have given him ideas! Although I really want to know just what his biology class was talking about. Animals going into heat, probably, but I keep on getting this hysterical image of a wizened old biology teacher talking about pon farr and Star Trek.
Ryan’s hands tighten slowly on the cuffs of his jeans, strangling denim. Spencer starts thinking up ways to help them all survive the week.
Strangling denim.I love that phrase. Also, I would like to point out that in trying times, Ryan, angry because he has to trust this guy with something so private, starts abusing his clothing, which is something he has control over. Meanwhile, Spencer, trying to bounce back and adapt to this chaotic situation, starts planning again.
-
By nightfall, Ryan’s completely gone. Spencer runs interference when he can, blames Ryan’s weird moods on the stress and pressure of recording when anyone starts giving him sideways looks, and rushes everyone out as soon as they finish working for the day.
Brendon had started out giving Ryan space, obviously thinking that would help, but after the fourth time Ryan had cornered him just to rub his arm or lean against him, he’d changed tactics and stayed close. It probably helped, a little, but from the look in Ryan’s eyes, the calming effect was rapidly wearing thin beneath the intense desire to start throwing Brendon into walls.
I find this a very, very nice image. I can't help it.
They’re sharing rooms anyway, it’s no big deal to make up an excuse and switch so Brendon’s in with Ryan. That’s what they had all decided would be for the best, although Spencer privately has his doubts. He knows Brendon is probably thinking he’s in for a week of string-free buddy sex, but Spencer doesn’t really know how to explain to him that it’s going to be a whole lot more than that, and in the end, not as much fun as it sounds.
I can't help but feel that Brendon doesn't actually think this, given what he divulges in the next section, but there are a few instances of Ryan and Spencer underestimating Brendon. It feels a little like they unconsciously expect less of anyone not involved in their clique of two. And I don't mean that in a bad way, necessarily; it's just that they're bad at opening up. I also think it's partly due to Spencer's need to take care of things; he automatically doubts that other people can do it, which is why he takes so much upon himself.
But that's enough psychological analysis for now, I think. *coughs* Anyway.
In the middle of dinner, Ryan leans over and licks a smear of pizza sauce off Brendon’s neck. They all freeze while Brent stares, and then Brendon starts laughing and says, “Gross, Ross,” and licks him back. Brent is still looking at them like they’re aliens, but that’s how he usually looks at them, so Spencer thinks they’re still okay. He sends behave sternly across the room with his eyes and brainwaves, and Ryan sets his chin but manages to keep his tongue away from Brendon for the rest of the meal.
Small victories, Spencer thinks, and mentally congratulates them for getting through day one.
Oh, Spencer. It's like a pep talk! A pep talk in his brain!
-
Brendon fidgets the whole time they’re getting ready for bed, and looks like he’s trying to pull Spencer aside about a dozen times just in the course of brushing and flossing his teeth, so Spencer finally corners him while Ryan is on the phone and says, “What?”
Brendon looks up and down the hallway, shifting his weight from foot to foot while some fierce internal debate rages, and finally drags Spencer into the bathroom with him and shuts the door. Spencer’s startled yelp is purely one of surprise, and can’t be held against him should anyone mention it in the future.
“See, there’s this, um,” Brendon starts, doing the weight-shifting dance again, and Spencer crosses his arms and gives him a look that says get on with it, so he hastily rushes out, “I’m kind of a virgin.”
Spencer stares at him like that will make Brendon take it back, and then thinks fuck. “Fuck.”
There are even more complications to deal with now. Spencer is not happy. Also, I suspect that he's more than slightly worries for Brendon.
“I know, I’m sorry,” Brendon says, like it’s his fault that Ryan has faulty genetic wiring. His hands have started screwing up his sleep shirt until the fabric is stretched and wrinkled. It says, Summer Camp ’02: God is the way to salvation. Spencer thinks Jesus Christ.
Heh. *snickers* What? Jesus Christ, God is the way to salvation... I found it amusing. Also, Brendon. All the characterisations in this story are just amazing. Of course Brendon would apologize for being a virgin and having Ryan focus on him. There's just so much going on below the surface here, with everybody and their issues.
“Okay,” Spencer says, putting together a mental list, being practical. “You can probably get away with handjobs and blowjobs tonight, you just have to be firm with him when you don’t want something. Do you know how to use condoms?”
“Um.” Brendon’s neck is flushing, spreading up to color his cheeks. “In theory?”
Fuck. “I’ll be right back,” Spencer says, because condoms and lube are kind of important, and Ryan sure as hell won’t be thinking about them. The weight of sanity rests solely on Brendon. Spencer hopes he’s ready for it.
Which is one of the things I think Spencer hates about this situation - he has to depend on Brendon, and he doesn't know if he can.
-
When he steps out of the bathroom, he nearly runs into Ryan, who is in the process of trying to burn the door down with his eyes. Spencer closes the door behind him, blocking Brendon from view, and says, “Girl talk. We just need a few more minutes, and so help me God, Ryan, if you touch him before I get back, I will break your arm.”
Girl talk. I could die. Also, I have this crazy image in my head of Spencer doing the condom-on-a-banana demonstration.
Ryan smolders resentfully at him, but the suspicious jealousy has given way to sulking, so Spencer could really care less.
He grabs a condom and a bottle of lube from his bag, just in case, and manages to slip into the bathroom again without attracting Ryan’s attention. “Okay, this is the quicknotes version,” he tells Brendon in a rush, ripping open one of the foil packages. “I’m going to do it once, and then you’re going to do it, and then ask me whatever questions you have that I can answer in a hurry, because Ryan’s getting kind of…”
He lets that trail off. Brendon knows what Ryan is kind of getting like. Or he has an idea, anyway. He’s about to get a much, much better one.
Understatement! Told you.
Brendon swallows and nods. “Right," he says, bobbing his head. “Cool.”
He looks scared. Spencer guesses he would be too, but he also knows what Brendon is about to walk into, so he stops and says slowly, “You don’t have to do this.”
They’d never actually said that. They’d just explained, and Brendon had nodded and taken it in, and asked as many questions as Spencer had at first, although Brendon’s had been more along the lines of, “Are you, like, one of those guys on the Viagra commercials who should seek help if they have an erection lasting longer than six hours?” and Ryan had looked ready to strangle him.
To his credit, Brendon actually stops and thinks it over for a few seconds. Then he smiles, cheerful and careless, and says, “If I don’t, who will? I’m saving the world here, Spence, people are depending on me.”
The fact that they never actually said to Brendon, "Hey, this is kind of terrifying and is really going to suck, if you're really super freaked out you don't have to do it," is just... Hmm. This may not be particularly clear, but bear with me here for a minute.
It makes sense, is the thing, that they wouldn't mention this, because neither of them is thinking about Brendon. Maybe Spencer would be, but I suspect he's caught up in trying to get things under as much control as he could again, and he's too worried about Ryan, because obviously, things are going to suck a lot for Ryan if he doesn't get to sex Brendon up. Being business-like means not always thinking about how other people are going to feel. Ryan, meanwhile, is fighting his instincts as much as he can, so he's not going to be thinking clearly. (And I almost feel like, in a way, even if he was thinking clearly, he would just sort of... expect Bendon to say yes.) And Brendon isn't going to say no, because that's not what Brendon does. Not when, as he himself says, people are depending on him. That's another theme of this fic; Brendon wants to make other people happy. He's just so, so eager to please.
(I can see this stretching out to the larger picture, with the band - Ryan needs Panic, has invested everything into it, and maybe Brendon wasn't anticipating being in anything bigger than a garage band, but he got sucked in and ended up getting kicked out of his house, etc. Maybe he got tired and thought about becoming a hairdresser, but he would never do it, not when Ryan needed him so much. Plus, obviously he loved the band too and all that, but I like to think the point still holds.)
And of course Brendon asked questions about Viagra. *snickers*
Spencer rolls his eyes and tries not to feel too relieved. “Okay,” he says, refocusing their attention before Ryan starts breaking down the door. “Condoms.”
-
Brendon comes out late to breakfast, or late for him, anyway, which is just after 8 AM. Spencer does a quick evaluation and wordlessly passes the cereal.
“Thanks,” Brendon says, filling his bowl up with five different kinds of sugar and food coloring. He doesn’t wince when he sits down, so Spencer’s guessing he successfully negotiated his way out of the more daunting physical activities.
“Did you sleep at all?” he asks, as Brendon nearly pours orange juice over his cereal instead of milk.
The orange juice is a tiny detail, but I love it. Same with the sleep-dust below.
Brendon shrugs, knuckling sleep-dust out of his eyes. “Some. Mostly this morning.”
Spencer starts to say something else, but just then Ryan appears, looking just as rumpled as Brendon in faded flannel pajama pants and an old t-shirt with two holes near the hem, the bright stain of a hickey creeping out from under his collar. It figures Brendon would be the one to leave hickeys.
Ryan blinks once before his gaze focuses on Brendon, sharp and sudden, and Spencer sees Brendon’s eyes widen in response, like some part of him had thought it was over now, or would only happen at night.
Brendon talks a big game, but Spencer’s fairly sure he still harbors romantic notions about the morning after involving soft smiles and touches and maybe slow, gentle sex in the shower.
He’s probably going to get the shower sex part, but it’s not going to be particularly gentle.
“Hey,” Spencer says casually, to distract Ryan from Brendon for a minute so he can at least wolf down some breakfast. He’s going to need the energy.
Nnh. Spencer Smith, relentlessly practical. And all of Brendon's romanticism is going to get crushed - for now, at least. Brendon's not a fragile flower, after all. *smiles*
-
Recording is hell. That’s a nice way of putting it.
Brendon is completely useless when he doesn’t get enough sleep anyway, and the fact that Ryan is constantly staring at Brendon like he wants to make a meal of him really isn’t helping. Brendon fumbles chords, drops equipment worth several thousand dollars, forgets the words, and can’t seem to stop himself from going into spasms of nervous laughter every time it happens.
Ryan is on edge and frustrated by more than just the music, so it’s nobody’s fault, but when Ryan rips into Brendon for the umpteenth time over the same exact line, Brendon finally squares his shoulders and fights back.
I love Brendon fighting back. The phrase "growing a backbone" wouldn't be fair, but I do think that, at least in this fic, Brendon's eagerness to please means that he gets walked over sometimes. He's resilient, yeah, but that doesn't mean he needs to take whatever gets dealed out - and even if he still has a hard time saying no for the sex stuff, it's nice when he takes a stand during the music parts. Maybe he doesn't know how to say no, but he's learning.
“Hey, Ross,” he says. “Could you maybe try not to be so pissy?”
No one moves. Then Ryan breaks their silent staring contest to throw down his guitar and storm out, hands balled into fists.
Spencer hesitates for a minute, torn, but Brendon doesn’t look particularly upset, just resigned. Spencer goes after Ryan.
Because that's what Spencer does; he takes care of Ryan. That brief moment of hesitation says a lot, though. This fic is about a lot of things; one part is Spencer and his growing feelings for Brendon, even if at the moment they've been tamped down, because they're not practical. There's another underlying layer, though, which is that Spencer and Ryan are slowly expanding their circle of two to include Brendon. More on that later.
-
“Would a blowjob help?” Spencer asks casually when Ryan storms out for the second time, kicking viciously at the already-abused gravel outside their door.
That gravel really has been abused. It gets treated almost as roughly as Brendon, and at least Brendon has Spencer to cuddle it better.
Ryan glares at him so fiercely that he ought to have flames shooting out of his eyeballs. Spencer leans against the wall and doesn’t flinch.
“Because I could probably make that happen,” he continues. “If I suddenly have a fit of insecurity about the way one of my tracks was laid down, will it give you enough time?”
Ryan unwinds a little, hands and shoulders uncurling reluctantly. “Yeah,” he says finally. “I think so.”
“Go disappear,” Spencer tells him, pushing off the wall. “I’ll send Brendon to you.”
He’s nearly through the door when Ryan speaks up. “Spence.”
Spencer turns around and arches his eyebrows. Ryan folds his arms awkwardly and looks at the ground, then grimaces and meets his eyes. “Thanks.”
Spencer just shrugs, a silent what are friends for? and goes in to play fussy artist.
I love, love, love airgiodslv's Ryan&Spencer. It doesn't matter what fic; she just writes their relationship so fantastically. Spencer isn't intimidated by Ryan, and he knows what Ryan needs. They have a long, close history, and it's all there behind the words.
-
The next morning, it’s pretty clear that more happened than just blowjobs.
“Okay?” Spencer asks when Brendon sits down for breakfast, moving slowly and gingerly the whole time.
Brendon’s face is kind of pale even for Brendon, and he winces when he leans forward to pick up the cereal box. “Yeah,” he says, shrugging it off. “Just, you know.”
“Yeah,” Spencer says. He can sympathize; he knows what Ryan’s cock looks like, and it’s a fairly safe bet that it hasn’t gotten any smaller since the last time Spencer saw it.
*snickers* Talk of Ryan's monster-cock will never cease to amuse me.
“We need more Cocoa Puffs,” Brent says, coming up behind them and reaching for the box. His leg jostles Brendon’s chair, and Spencer sees Brendon blanch before his expression clears and he puts a hand over his face, pink with embarrassment and laughing a little.
When Brent takes his cereal bowl over to the couch to watch cartoons while he eats, Spencer leans over and drops his voice. “Hey,” he says quietly. “It does get easier.”
Brendon looks dubious, but he smiles anyway. “I can totally handle it. I’m a pro,” he says, and Spencer rolls his eyes again but doesn’t comment.
Brendon. Brendon in pain. Brendon in pain but trying to hide it by laughing and making jokes. *sighs* I just want to hug him, god. I would be dubious too, Spencer.
Ryan comes in right after that, so Spencer doesn’t get the chance to say anything else anyway.
That anyway just solidifies the feeling of all these words that are being left unsaid. A lot of words.
-
Brendon naps on the couch during lunch, and Spencer thinks it’s probably good for him to get all the sleep he can, so he just saves the veggie sandwich for later. Brendon can eat it while they lay Ryan’s guitar tracks.
Spencer and his plans again.
Brent heads over and acts like he’s going to shake Brendon awake, so Spencer heads him off and tries not to let the volume level get too out of hand. Ryan is nowhere to be found, probably outside texting Pete a progress report and avoiding Brendon.
Which makes sense. I mean, I kind of have the sense that even if he got a break from the crazy sex-hormones of doom, he would still be avoiding Brendon, because Brendon is both the catalyst and physical reminder of Ryan's loss of control. Okay, wow, this whole commentary is just full of me pretending I actually know shit about psychology. Anyway.
They have ten minutes left on lunch when Ryan comes back in, his whole body tense, looking anywhere but Brendon. Spencer meets his gaze and raises his eyebrows, nodding questioningly towards Brendon. Ryan has the grace to look pained, but he nods shortly.
Spencer rests a hand on Brendon’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “Bren. Hey.”
Brendon wakes up bleary and disoriented, fumbling to set his glasses back in place on the bridge of his nose. “Hey,” he slurs. “What?”
“Ten minutes before we get started again,” Spencer says.
“Thanks,” Brendon says, and looks ready to go back to sleep for the next nine-and-a-half, but then he catches sight of Ryan and some of the grogginess drops away. “Oh. Right.”
Spencer opens his mouth to say that Brendon doesn’t have to do this every time they ask, but Brendon knows that already, and he really kind of does have to if they want to avoid an incident.
An incident. Understatement again! (Also, it reminds me of Maskerade by Terry Pratchett, except instead of the "incidents" being people dying, these would be... Hmm. Ryan tackling Brendon to the ground and molesting him in full view of everyone, probably. Anyway, it doesn't matter here that Brendon has to say yes. Would he really say no anyway? We've already discussed his difficulties with that.
Brendon just smiles at him and reaches up to squeeze the hand that Spencer still has on his shoulder. “Thanks,” he says again, and follows Ryan.
-
Ryan and Brendon turn in early and Brent’s talking to his girlfriend in the bedroom he shares with Spencer, so Spencer stays out in the living room for a while watching television. He thinks he might be getting homesick, in the way that he’s starting to miss things like his computer desk and DVD collection and his mom’s cookies. The couch here is too lumpy.
Brent comes out after a while with a weird look on his face. Spencer moves his legs so Brent can sit down, and then they watch TV together until the credits roll, which is when Spencer starts flipping channels again and Brent says uncomfortably, “I think Brendon and Ryan are having sex.”
BRENT. *snickers uncontrollably* I'm sorry, I just find that incredibly entertaining. Guess they really are good at keeping it on the DL.
Also, it really illuminates how out of the loop Brent is, which if we look into the future is pretty much a precursor for him leaving the band. Ryan and Spencer may not have wanted to tell Brendon, but they had to, and he's in now. Brent is out of the loop, though, and obviously not trusted, because Ryan and Spencer don't trust anyone else. Which is actually a problem, since if they're going to be in a band with two other people, spending the majority of their time crammed into metal boxes for years and years, they're going to need to let other people in.
Spencer doesn’t let the muscles in his face so much as twitch. “What?” he asks, making it both as bland and vaguely forbidding as possible.
Brent squirms around a little, but he doesn’t back down. “It sounds like they’re, you know,” he says, with a hand gesture that looks nothing like anything Spencer has ever done with guys, but which probably equals gay gay sex in Brent’s head.
Win. *grins* Also, it's never explicitly stated, but I very much doubt that any of them have told Brent that hey, they kind of like guys, too. I don't think he's precisely homophobic - his comment below is just about the band - but anyway, if they've all been friends for so long, shouldn't they trust him?
Spencer arches his eyebrows slowly and deliberately. “So?” he asks.
He’s intimidated Brent before, but apparently this is one of those things he’s just not going to drop. “Don’t you think it’s…with the band, and…”
He tapers off, and Spencer turns back to the television. “Maybe one of them brought a girl back,” he says, shrugging. There’s no way Brent’s going to believe that, not with both of them in the same bedroom and nowhere else to go, but it’s worth a shot. He bares his teeth in something approximating a grin. “Maybe they both brought a girl back.”
He sees threesome dawn slowly in Brent’s eyes, and sets down the remote. He’s too tired for television suddenly, and maybe Ryan will be worn out and quiet enough for a little while that Spencer can fall asleep.
Spencer seems so unhappy here. The teeth, and the sleeping... I can just feel his exhaustion bleeding out of the words.
-
He finds Brendon in the bathroom in the morning, staring at the sink. Spencer shifts a few times, trying to decide how desperately he needs to relieve himself, and finally nudges Brendon over far enough that he can brush his teeth.
Brendon’s gaze flicks over to him as he starts brushing, and then down and away again. It’s pretty obviously avoidance, so Spencer just spits, rinses, waits until Brendon sneaks another look at him in the mirror, and gives him an expression that says what?
Because someone has to be the grown-up confidante. Whatever problem Brendon has, Spencer is going to solve it.
Brendon laughs a little nervously, glancing away again, and then starts to talk before he bites his lip and stops. Spencer gives him five seconds, then reaches out and deliberately shuts the bathroom door. If Brent catches them, he’ll just make something up. If Ryan catches them…well, Spencer can handle Ryan.
Spencer puts his toothbrush away, crosses his arms, and waits.
It only takes a few seconds before Brendon caves. “I’m kind of, um,” he says, waving his hand around and not meeting Spencer’s eyes. “Bleeding. Still.”
Brendon. I just. God. No words for that boy. (airgiodslv's Brendon is always fabulous, just like her Spencer and Ryan. Always, always, always.)
Spencer blinks, then uncrosses his arms. “Since when?” he asks, and wonders if he has enough time this morning to go online and look up what’s normal. He’s almost certain it varies.
Spencer is so detached and clinical here, which I very much suspect is both a reaction to outside situations (like I said, he's decided that he has to be the responsible one around here) and also a defense strategy of sorts, although I have no absolute proof for the latter.
“I guess the last time was around three o’clock?” Brendon tries, face scrunched up as he tries to remember. “Maybe four.”
Spencer frowns, stomach sinking a little. “How many times?” he asks, and tries not to sound accusatory, because Brendon really is just trying to help.
“Three last night,” Brendon says, blushing slightly the way he still does whenever sex comes up. “Two the night before, I think. That’s not…I mean, not counting blowjobs and stuff. It bled a little before, but not…like this.”
Spencer swears loud and long enough that Brendon winces. “Say no,” he orders, before he rips into Brendon any more for being an idiot who tries to make people happy at his own expense. “When that fails, say fuck no.”
But here the clinicality disappears, which is actually a good sign, because it would have been really fucking creepy if he'd managed to stay detached. He's worried, and he's angry, which all makes sense because Brendon really needs to learn how to say no.
Brendon has the grace to look embarrassed. “I know,” he says. “I know, I was just…”
“You’re the only one with any sense left,” Spencer says, sharp enough that Brendon’s mouth snaps shut. “Use it. Tell him fucking no.”
Brendon nods, and Spencer balls his hands into fists and walks out before he can do anything stupid.
Spencer's very contained throughout this entire story; he doesn't let his feelings out, not even really to himself, but slowly we - I, at least - begin to feel the shape of them. Spencer's actions really do say a lot, even if a lot of the time he's just carefully keeping himself from doing anything.
And that last brings up an interesting question: what counts as stupid for Spencer? Would it be hitting Brendon for being an idiot? Or would it be reaching out to touch the boy who, for all intents and purposes, "belongs" to Spencer's best friend for the better part of the next week?
-
Spencer goes out for lunch instead of eating with everyone else, taking some time to clear his head. He’s not all that necessary today anyway; they’re not doing anything with drums, so mostly he’s just hanging out and offering the occasional opinion when they decide to change something.
It’s not a big detour, so he goes across to the pharmacy to pick up a mild laxative and some numbing ointment while he’s out. He should have known Brendon wouldn’t say no. Brendon is like a big brown-eyed puppy, eager to please and falling all over himself to apologize when he thinks he’s done something wrong.
He sits on the grass and watches the clouds for a while, eating his sandwich, before dusting himself off and heading back to the studio.
It's just a small moment, but I'm really glad that Spencer has this moment to himself. I think he really needs it. And just for the record, I think that description of Brendon is spot-on.
There are two take-away containers in the kitchen with his name on them, one labeled in Ryan’s careful handwriting and the other in Brendon’s scrawl, with a smiley-face doodle that’s probably Brendon’s way of asking for forgiveness.
He checks inside the containers before he puts them away. The one Ryan left him has all of his favorites, neatly separated by dividers. The one Brendon left is basically a pile of everything squashed together, but there’s also enough food to feed a small army.
Spencer stacks them and puts them both away in the refrigerator, smiling. He writes ‘Thank you’ with a smiley-face on a piece of paper to slip onto Brendon’s keyboard, and heads back out to rejoin his band.
It's like a metaphor or something! Ryan knows Spencer, knows Spencer's favorites. Brendon doesn't, but he tries, and he's very enthusiastic about it. Also, how much do I love that smiley-face? A lot. It's just a small thing, but a lot of Spencer's actions are so small in this that it feels like it means more.
-
Spencer catches Ryan just before they turn in, in the hallway which is too public for this conversation, but he says it anyway, voice lowered against potential eavesdroppers. “Blowjobs tonight.”
Ryan looks pissed-off but also aggressive in the way he only ever gets when he feels guilty about it. “I’m trying to be careful,” he says, which is probably true, or at least as true as it can be when Ryan’s in the middle of his hormone-crazed mating cycle.
This entire section is just perfect and full of amazing, amazing Spencer&Ryan. Would anyone else really be able to distinguish Ryan's guilty-aggressive face? And watch them lower their guards with each other, and only each other.
“I’m just saying,” Spencer says evenly. “Take a night off.”
Ryan makes the bitchiest face he can manage, thin arms wrapped around his skinny body. He folds almost immediately, though, shoulders drooping. “I know,” he says, eyes closing. “Fuck.”
Spencer moves in for a careful hug. He and Ryan aren’t really huggers, they never have been, but this is definitely the time to make exceptions. Ryan resists for the briefest second, then gives in and squeezes back briefly before they both let go.
“I wish it was you,” Ryan says wistfully, rubbing at a bruise on his arm. “You never gave me a hard time.”
Spencer rolls his eyes. “I told you fuck no you couldn’t fuck my mouth, and made you rub off against my leg because I was too tired to give you a handjob,” he says by way of reminder.
I love you, Spencer. I just felt that I should mention that right now.
Ryan looks briefly startled, like he’d forgotten that part. Then he smiles slightly, teeth glinting. “You always knew how to handle me,” he says, with what counts as a leer coming from Ryan, hip bumping Spencer’s.
Spencer snorts. “Go to bed,” he says, scratching his stomach where his shirt has ridden up. “And I mean it about the blowjobs.”
“Spence,” Ryan says, urgent enough to make Spencer stop and turn to look at him. They stare at each other for a few seconds, silent, and then Ryan says, “I do wish it was you.”
They’ve been best friends for long enough that Spencer knows it for what it is, and can lean in to knock his elbow against Ryan’s when he says, “I know. Me too.”
This scene, okay. I just have no words for it. They're not attracted to each other, but it would be easier if it was Spencer, just because they know each other so well and they're so close that it wouldn't matter. This would be just another thing for them to get past together, them against the world. Instead, they've got this third person being added in and changing all the dynamics, which complicates things. (The thing is, though, that even without the hormones it would be complicated anyway, because they're starting to have to let other people - let Brendon - in. This is just speeding it up a little.)
-
“Irresponsible,” Ryan fumes, and Spencer knows it’s mostly the hormones and the fact that Ryan isn’t exactly getting any sleep either, but he still has a reason to be pissed.
Something went wrong with the last mix, and now there’s a high-pitched whine shot through every single guitar track that Ryan has spent the past day and a half laying down. They’ve called a break to regroup, and everyone who isn’t in the band has fled Ryan’s sharp-tongued wrath.
Brent looks like he’d rather be anywhere else, but he knows Ryan would ream him if he tried to leave. Spencer is weathering the storm and providing moral support. Brendon is…Brendon is cutting pictures out of a magazine and pasting them onto a piece of paper.
Brendon! I also love the technique here. We're introduced to Ryan's rage, and we're feeling the tension and getting ready to weather it like Spencer, and then we get to the bit about Brendon and just kind of have to blink. Because... what?
Ryan seems to notice around the same time Spencer does. The pacing stops, along with the swearing and wildly flailing arms, and Ryan finally says, “Brendon. What are you doing?”
Brendon slicks glue onto his latest selection and pastes it into place. His tongue is poking out to one side in concentration, the same way it does when he tries to play a guitar riff he just heard on the radio without seeing the music.
He finally turns the paper around and holds it up. Snow White and three dwarves look back at them, all jumping out at odd angles and surrounded by creative bursts of music notes and flowers.
“I’m making cover art for our album,” Brendon says. “I thought Ryan would make a great Grumpy.”
For a second, no one moves. Spencer is ready to step in and prevent homicide if Ryan suddenly launches himself at Brendon, but Ryan just stands there, staring at Brendon’s ridiculous fake album cover.
Then his lips twitch, and he can’t hold back the smile. Brendon grins back at him, and Ryan just sits down, all of the fight going out of him at once as he slaps the paper out of Brendon’s hands. “Where did you even get a Disney catalogue? God.”
Brendon holds a finger against the side of his nose. “Don’t ask these questions, Ross, you know better.”
Ryan rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling, and Spencer thinks with some surprise that in his own way, Brendon knows how to handle Ryan too. He just goes about it differently.
I love this part so, so, so, so much. There's so many things behind it; trust, because Spencer realises that he maybe can trust Brendon with Ryan. Maybe he doesn't have to run interference all the time. And somehow, Brendon has managed to infiltrate - that's the best explanation I can give - their lives, sort of. He's not Brent, who's just there. He's part of them, and it's going to require a little re-shifting, because he has different ways, but that doesn't mean they won't work, that he doesn't fit.
And it sort of implies, too, that maybe Spencer doesn't have to be in charge of diffusing all situations. He doesn't have to be the one who works everything out.
(Also? Brendon.)
Then Ryan starts snickering in earnest, and Spencer realizes Snow White is the one behind the drum kit.
I really want to know who Brendon and Brent are, though. Brendon can't be Prince Charming, since that would be remarked upon, and would also defeat the "no mention of the Spencer/Brendon love, which is so secret that Spencer refuses to allow himself to realise it." I could see Brendon making himself either Happy or Dopey. And Brent... probably one of the dwarves who nobody remembers the name of. (Is that cruel?) I don't know. Maybe Sneezy, Sleepy or Doc.
-
It doesn’t get any better after the break, unfortunately. They decide to skip ahead and start layering vocal tracks while they sort out the guitar mix, which is stressful enough for Brendon and critically important for Ryan as it is, but now with the added disaster of Brendon’s voice sounding like it’s been scraped raw over a turbine blade.
Damn. Imagery like that makes my heart run in little spirals. Also, Brendon.
Brendon manages not to scream back at Ryan once the arguments start, which is a small favor because that would only make it worse. He’s not talking much at all, honestly, but the defiance in his eyes when he stares Ryan down clearly states that he’s preserving his voice, not agreeing with anything Ryan hurls at him in the heat of the moment.
Spencer and Brent can only do so much, and Brent isn’t even really trying. On the sixteenth take of the same song when Brendon’s voice cracks on the high note, Ryan finally says without inflection, “You sound like complete shit.”
Brendon takes off his headphones and says with barely-contained calm, “Gee, Ross, I wonder why that is.” Then he walks out.
Ryan fumes for a second, nostrils flaring, and then takes off in the opposite direction. This time, after a heartbeat of deliberation, Spencer goes after Brendon.
I love, love, love this scene. You can really just feel everything that's going on behind the blatant tension. Also, for the first time, Spencer goes after Brendon, and not Ryan. Like all of Spencer's actions in this fic, it's deliberate, understated, and means a lot more than what it is on the surface.
It's a turning point, of sorts, which also makes it a great midway point, because I started rambling so much that LJ wouldn't let me keep it as one post. Continued here.