hey there hi there ho there. im back. im trying this again. mostly cause i know itll never be read but im still "posting something online". truth is i stopped writing all together once i stopped updating the ol lj. i need to write again as im tired of all my old stuff and now that im not fat ive lost alot of my best jokes and a surprisingly big ( Read more... )

i find that the amount of money i will give a hobo is directly affected by the intricacy of his shanty. For example those lazy fuckers in the coleman tents? not a penny from me! not today good sir. i mean my standard of living is not that different from that guy. i have a shitty studio with no air conditioning and he has a tent in an alley. about ( Read more... )

i had the craziest shit ever happen to me at work the other day. i work at a pay day loan check cashing place. so i expect weird stuff but nothing like this. this guy in an old sedan pulls up with what i thought was a young woman. he comes in all nervous and fidgety. like he was scared or confused. he walks up to my window and tries to take money ( Read more... )

If I was a taxidermist I would have the animals doing leisure activities. Like a squirrel with a sweat band and tennis racket mid swing. Or a pet parakeet in swimming trunks on top of water skiing parakeet pyramid. Or a dog with a grey sideways beanie riding a skateboard on two legs tweeting with its front paws. Or a bunny rabbit in plaid with a ( Read more... )

I've been usurped. Ive been usurped! And its complete bullshit. For the last 4 years if you googled joe Raines I was the top result. Wasnt even close. Then seemingly out of nowhere this fly by night equine dentist quack came and stole my thunder. My thunder! How many people are googling horse dentists?! What the fuck is a horse dentist? Is he ( Read more... )

its rough in la. i was walking back from tommys burgers with a triple chili cheese burger all excited and happy about life when i saw this homeless lady walking around panhandling. she was barefoot and didn't seem to care. i felt so guilty. here i am about to eat a triple chili cheeseburger and she doesn't even have shoes. i felt so bad i went up ( Read more... )

You know if Jesus really was a carpenter you'd think he would have been famous for his woodworking long before he was christing. Do we find out Jesus was a bad carpenter? The son of god was bad with wood? One of his dads own inventions. I guarantee Thomas Edison's kid could work the lights. What was he late to work one day and told his boss he was ( Read more... )

so i have some good news everyone. i set up a big gig next week. i feel like its going to be a real boon to my career. i am doing standup at the state fair next week. thank you, thank you. im opening for the monkeys riding dogs. and my payment is being able to pet the monkeys. so im really looking forward to it..... monkeys riding dogs! monkeys ( Read more... )

9:00pmMe
i wanna be a flight attendant when i grow up
9:01pmJoey

so that there's finally an excuse?
9:02pmMe

no so that when i quit i can go ape shit and slide down the emergency exit slide
9:02pmJoey

ahh, i saw that

9:02pmMe

coolest way to quit ever

7 felonies
9:03pmJoey

FUCK YOU, MOTHER FUCKwhait, what?
9:03pmMe

and grabbed a beer and stole one of those ( Read more... )

today i woke up at 1pm. BAM. dont be jealous. then made some righteous scrambled eggs. then watched jennifers body. terrible movie but oh my was the lesbian scene dir-tay. my parents were in the room so it ruined it for me a little bit but hey hot lady on lady action is always a plus. that chick is smokin hot. crazy hot. outta this world hot ( Read more... )