It sounds like you have a TON of stressors in your life. It's got to be hard dealing with the weirdness between your best friend and your boyfriend. It's hard not to go back to ED behaviors when things feel chaotic and out of control--at least, that's how it always is for me.
I hope you are able to get into the clinic and get some extra help--but even if you don't, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't invalidate your pain and your struggles, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve help. It's terrible when it's so hard to get the help you need, but I'm glad you're reaching out here. I know you don't know me, and there's not much I can do over the internet, but if you want a friend/someone to talk to, I'm here and more than willing to listen.
I like going to the gym. I hate playing team sports. I was glad when I realized I liked the gym and could go back to doing sports and exercising without having to stay at home.
I think what's also horrible about the gym is that when I'm ill and cant go to the gym I feel like a failure and I need to stop that mentality but i dont know how.
I don't think coming here was wrong, I would have gone crazy staying in Berlin but it makes me sad that I couldn't get more out of it...
I don't think an hour or two of thinking about it will change much. :( Since I was in kindergarden I have this mindset of "once I'm think I'll be ok/loveable/worthy" etc and I'm not sure how I'm ever supposed to break this as long as I'm overweight and in a state where people constantly do tell me, sometimes less directly, that there is something very wrong with that.
I certainly was healthier before I became bulimic. I was overweight yes but I was slowly using weight by going to the gym and doing yoga & riding my bike everywhere.
Whenever I meet new people or even people I haven't seen in a long time (or worse friends off the internet/penpals) I think they will be dissapointed when they meet me, that they would like me better if I weight 40 pounds less.
Well, you still have two months. And it's not as if you'll never be able to go back there, ever. You're only 21 after all (incidentally, I love Copenhagen. I went there for a few days for a holiday, and I thought it was beautiful. And my gosh, the Danish have some of the best English as a Second Language I've ever heard
( ... )
It feels a little weird for me to comment because i've been reading all this in your LJ recently.... but being consolidated into one post helps me to understand more!
With regards your boyfriend i think he has too high expectations of you improving your eating habits. I agree with him that eating raw food is another way of controlling your eating (and therefore is tied into your ED) but it IS an improvement on starving or bulimia. He can't expect you to jump from being fully eating disordered to healthy - you've got to have stepping stones along the way, and from what i know of you, raw food is a good stepping stone.
You are probably right about my boyfriend. I don't understand what "healthy" eating is supposed to be anyway. My digestive system is so messed up from my eating disorder as well, that I think eating like the average person isn't the best idea anyway.
The only thing I can say is: get your mom into therapy with you. She's part of the problem, and studies seem to indicate that when the entire family attends therapy, recovery has a higher chance of sticking. Maybe your boyfriend too - he might be able to better understand what you're going through.
My psychologist actually advised us against this. My mother suggested we should get a family therapy thing again and my psychologist said that, on the contrary, I needed to just get away from them mentally :/
well, yes, she just means, I think, that because my parents are such a big part of how badly I perceive myself and my father being not open to conflicting his own beliefs, the more I talk to him, the more depressed I get and hate myself.
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I hope you are able to get into the clinic and get some extra help--but even if you don't, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't invalidate your pain and your struggles, and it doesn't mean you don't deserve help. It's terrible when it's so hard to get the help you need, but I'm glad you're reaching out here. I know you don't know me, and there's not much I can do over the internet, but if you want a friend/someone to talk to, I'm here and more than willing to listen.
Take care. You deserve that.
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I like going to the gym. I hate playing team sports. I was glad when I realized I liked the gym and could go back to doing sports and exercising without having to stay at home.
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I don't think an hour or two of thinking about it will change much. :(
Since I was in kindergarden I have this mindset of "once I'm think I'll be ok/loveable/worthy" etc and I'm not sure how I'm ever supposed to break this as long as I'm overweight and in a state where people constantly do tell me, sometimes less directly, that there is something very wrong with that.
I certainly was healthier before I became bulimic. I was overweight yes but I was slowly using weight by going to the gym and doing yoga & riding my bike everywhere.
Whenever I meet new people or even people I haven't seen in a long time (or worse friends off the internet/penpals) I think they will be dissapointed when they meet me, that they would like me better if I weight 40 pounds less.
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With regards your boyfriend i think he has too high expectations of you improving your eating habits. I agree with him that eating raw food is another way of controlling your eating (and therefore is tied into your ED) but it IS an improvement on starving or bulimia. He can't expect you to jump from being fully eating disordered to healthy - you've got to have stepping stones along the way, and from what i know of you, raw food is a good stepping stone.
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Thank you for your comment. *hug*
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