Sundered Faith, Part One (1/2)

[elfhawk]

First arc. But feel free to call me on any mistakes still left, I am totally okay with someone else's proofing. Provided all of your sentences use 'bless your heart.'

Updated 12/06/11

Comments

[pariahsdream]

“Collapsing the mount isn’t guaranteed block up the entrance to the underground,” Athena said, wrinkling up her hose. “There’s no way of telling if they’ll be able to dig it back open. And they will try, they need the space.”

I think you mean nose unless she's pulled out a hose to juggle with now. Bless your heart. ;D

“It also has more flexibility,” Petra agreed, looking at the priest with a respectful gaze. “I like you, you’re clever. I insist you stop futzing about in troll-infested cities and start doing real work, like research into why no one but Haven has figured out the recipe for liquid fire.”

This is my favorite line. Also Petra is adorable when she's all excited about destroying temples.

“Trolls regenerate from practically every injury,” Petra replied, then added as an afterthought, “Barring fire. Something in their regenerative system doesn’t like fire. Maye because it cauterizes the wound,” she trailed off, then shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Anyways, the survivors will likely dig themselves up and out into the

[elfhawk]

Fixded the maye hoses, bless their typo-ed little hearts.

Petra loves having permission to break things. Almost as much as she loves not having permission and breaking them anyway.

I'll probably be putting the next section up later today. Carmen and Athena get to screw around with things far beyond their ken this time. (This would be the section that was supposed to just kind of connect the first and third and then it ended up being an adventure all of its own. Whoops.)

[carmenwoods]

*glee*

I love the way you tell stories. I want to read the next part before I start pointing out typos.

Also, I dig how it's still D&D-esque, but seems to have a little more flexibility with the magic system. Like you didn't lock yourself in to the D&D rules, but it's still influenced by it.

[elfhawk]

D&D rules don't work well in story-telling. So finding a way to still have the different types of magic that separate how the girls use and perceive it was fun.
Petra works on a small scale- detail-oriented, minor twists to tried-and-true spells, and for any offensive magic, she uses the fire that most wizards start out their elemental training on. (Because it takes a lengthy amount of time to harness and control it.)
Odette goes for big and flashy- she has the power to burn and doesn't need to conserve the way Petra does. Her magic is more fluid, since it's driven more by imagination than study, but she's picked up subtlety from talking magic with Petra because Odette's still rather a brainy, studious type.

Sum typoes 4 u

[carmenwoods]

Can I say "bless your heart" now and just pretend I say it every time?

“I think the Jadens were worried about something and thought (it) better to be safe than sorry.”

However, Odette was currently spending extra energy folding the ground underneath them to pull them closer to their destination, and she was beginning to look haggard after several days of travel this way.

“Where do you two even get this information? It was a two month voyage to get here and I know when we left you didn’t know anything about this land beyond (that) the Allekhor Empire used to be here.”

“See, Carmen, this is why we hang out it in bars.

Its golden ornate roof was polished frequently,
(Switch the order of those adjectives perhaps? It comes across as awkwardly phrased to me this way.)

“Can I stay here?” Tae asked, eying the lengthy climb. She was far from sure-footed, and the lengthy climb in front of them seemed to be tempting fate.
(Double lenghty climbs, bless their hearts.)

“It’d take a serious fall for you to pull me down with you, and I’ve

Re: Sum typoes 4 u

[elfhawk]

Horist was Athena not remembering the Lightbringer's name. It's Lightbringer Herrod. His name is unfortunately close to Therrin's *boss's* name (Larrod). Obviously somebody's going to need his name changed. (This is what I get for giving all of them 'rr' in the middle of their names.)

I'll have to make corrections when I get home, I didn't update my dropbox from the corrections I made last night.

[tkie]

You remembered the owl's name!! :)

[elfhawk]

... But that one was easy. Trying to remember Athena's was harder. (I really think it was Snowball, but that seemed a little *too* silly for here. As it is, it makes Athena come across as either simple or horribly uncreative. I'm going with "And how creative would you be at five and found a little white puppy?")

[carmenwoods]

I love the explanation for the Comprehend Languages bit, and I had a good chuckle over Odette's attempt to target Carmen with a personal spell. XD And, I really enjoy that everyone has some sympathy for the trolls rather than just viewing them as monsters deserving of slaughter, typical hack-and-slash gaming notwithstanding.

And I'm figuring it's safe to proofread entries you've updated this week here, rather than older entries you may have already corrected in your main document. I'll still list what I see when I get to 'em.

==

“’Tis no famine or wars or even brigands.
("It is" no famine? Or is it meant to highlight foreign accents? Or hah, is it just Carmen and sometimes Athena being rustic? Baha, okay then. (It doesn't seem to show up in the prologue any though.))

She took out one of the rocks on the bottom, tossing it lightly away.

Odette agreed. “Give Therrin and I me some time to work out routes for you,

before dashing down the street to the house near the Isador festival wall sculpture where they had set up shop in for

[elfhawk]

Odette's mishap also set up the reason why Carmen has night vision. Go me

[carmenwoods]

I began to suspect that's what was up halfway through my grammar nazi post, and decided to leave the whole thing as a monument to my creakingly slow thought process. Silly Carmen.

Yeah, making characters have their own distinct speech is very hard for me to do, and I always like when it happens in other people's work. (Like, I love Sea of Insanity to bits, but everyone except Ophelia and lobotomized-Isle have pretty much the same level of articulate snark. I love the articulate snark, of course, but sometimes you wouldn't be able to tell who's speaking without the drawings right there.)

[carmenwoods]

Having true faith, she said, should allow one to get the occasional action from their god. Else why bother to pray to them?
I feel like it might read a little better as "allow anyone", but not a big deal. What I really wanted to point out was "action", which reads kind of weird. Favor? Boon? Blessing? Action just doesn't sound right, I think.

[elfhawk]

I'd originally had something down there to the effect of hearing from their god and disliked it, because I wanted it be some sort reaction on the deity's side, not simply hearing from God via burning bush. (This needs action here. Obviously you should just use that word.) I was writing that at close of work and didn't have time to further poke at it, and then when I went to do that, I got waylaid by 'I should update the prologue on LJ' and that kind of snowballed away from me.

Boon works well. It's more of a Tae word there- she wouldn't use blessing without circumstantial examples (blessings being very subjective, after all), though that's probably the word Petra used. (Both of them would stay far away from favor. Favor has alternate implications for those with a fey heritage. (Possibly something I've been wondering where to poke a hint of into the story. (Note to self, reread all fey characters' lines and double-check for outright lies.))

[carmenwoods]

Sweet.