Listen to your Heart
Title: Listen to your Heart, part 2
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, with appearances by Chad, Mike, Tom, Steve, and Chris
Rating: hard R, maybe, for swearing and some boy touching
Word Count: 12,000+ in 2 parts
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: AU. Jared pines for Jensen. Jensen starts falling for Jared. If only they'd stop being guys and tell each other...
A/N 1: This is, as always, for
rain388- my muse, my cheerleader, my handholder. And LOOKY! She made me a pretty, pretty banner!
A/N 2: Title from the Roxette song, though it has nothing to do with the plot.
Part 1
VIII.
Jared had a nice ass. No, scratch that. He had a fucking incredible ass, round and firm and displayed perfectly in his tight jeans. Jensen wished Jared would stop bending over in front of him, because one of these times, Jensen was just gonna grab him and bite that fine ass, and that probably wasn’t a good idea.
“Jen? You still with us here?” Jared asked, turning slightly to look over his shoulder at Jensen.
“Huh?” he replied oh-so-eloquently, finally tearing his eyes away from Jared’s backside and trying to focus on his face, made difficult by the awesome tequila buzz he had going. He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head to clear it. Huh. There were two Jareds. That could be fun.
“Dude’s fucking trashed,” Chad laughed. He leaned on his pool cue and drained the last of his beer. “His eyes are all glassy and shit.”
“And you’re so sober?” Jared raised a brow, then unnecessarily spun his cue before taking his shot. “Ha! 8 ball in the corner pocket. Pay up, bitches!” he crowed, holding out his palm till Jensen and Chris handed over the cash. It took longer than it should have, since Chris grumbled about Chad cheating and Jensen somehow lost his wallet in his back pocket and fumbled a few times before fishing it out. “Jen? You okay, man?”
“Sure! Great! Another game?”
Jared studied him a minute, chewing on his bottom lip, and Jensen unconsciously licked his own lips, wishing he could run his tongue over Jared’s. All over Jared. Then Jared smiled and ducked his head, and a piece of hair fell over his forehead, curling perfectly into his eyes. Jensen’s fingers twitched, wanting so badly to brush the silky lock away for him, but instead he grabbed his cue to start the next game.
“Whoa, watch where you’re aiming that thing, man!” Chris exclaimed, stepping hurriedly to the side. “I may not want kids, but that doesn’t mean I want a pool cue stabbed through my balls!” Chad snorted and opened his mouth, but Chris cut him off. “Shut it, asshole! I know what you’re thinking!”
Chad attempted to look innocent, but on him it was more I have gas than you can trust me. “Whatever do you mean, Kane?” He waggled his brows and smirked.
Putting aside his cue, Jensen edged closer to Jared and out of the line of fire. Jared smiled crookedly at him and crossed his arms, settling in for the show. Chris and Chad would lay it on the line for each other, of course, but it didn’t mean they always got along. Jensen personally thought they just liked to ruffle each other’s feathers. Chris was in Chad’s face now, hissing something too low for Jensen to catch, but Chad gave it right back. He hoped it didn’t come to blows. Again. After a couple minutes, Jensen’s attention slid away from them and back to Jared. He leaned against the wall casually, cheeks flushed pink with alcohol and amusement, biceps straining the thin cotton of his t-shirt, beautiful hazel eyes lit up. He smelled good, too, clean and fresh, not like the stale air of the bar.
Jensen swallowed hard. He was so fucked, so very, very fucked. And not in the good way. Jensen swallowed again. Oh, Christ, did he want to be fucked by Jared, to fuck Jared, whatever. As long as they were naked and sweaty and licking and biting and sucking were involved, and, God, he was so thoroughly fucked.
Countless tequila shots and two games of pool later, Jensen felt amazingly well. He and Chris thoroughly trounced Jared and Chad at both games (due mostly to Chris; Jensen had trouble concentrating and actually hitting the right balls), and the alcohol flowed pleasantly through his body. So what if his fingertips were numb and he had the biggest hard-on ever after watching Jared all night? It wasn’t anything new for him.
“Hey, buddy, I like you and all, but can you get your hand off my head?” Chris asked, elbowing Jensen in the side gently.
Jensen slowly rotated his head toward Chris. “My hand and your head what?”
“Aw, Christ. Mr. Handsy is at it again,” Chad mumbled. “How the fuck do you put up with that all the time?”
“It’s not so bad,” Jared mentioned, grabbing Jensen’s hand from Chris’s head and setting it on the table. Jensen smiled at him, afraid it was ridiculously goofy but not really caring. “Usually,” he added softly.
“Yeah, he wasn’t just petting you like a fucking cat,” Chris grumbled.
“There’s a reason I call him Mr. Handsy,” Chad told him. “At least he’s never grabbed your ass.”
Chris smirked into his beer, then looked over at Jensen. “I think it’s time you take your boy home, Jared, before he passes out at the table.”
“M’not that drunk,” Jensen protested, but Jared still tugged him out of his chair. He could totally walk on his own, but leaned against Jared anyway. He smelled good and he felt even better, and it was the one chance he had to get close to Jared and not have the other man push him away.
“Come on, Jen, let’s go,” Jared murmured.
“M’not that drunk,” Jensen repeated and shook his head. And okay, maybe he was, because the world tilted and blurred, and only Jared’s arm around his waist kept him from sliding to the floor.
“It’s okay, Jen. I got you.”
And Jensen knew it was true.
IX.
It was a repeat from a few weeks ago, walking a drunk Jensen back to his place to sleep it off, only Jared was more than a little drunk this time, too. He almost sent them tumbling to the ground several times, his own equilibrium off as well as trying to balance a non-compliant Jensen. And Jensen was being even more handsy than usual and currently had one hand tucked into Jared’s jacket pocket.
“S’cold,” Jensen complained, burrowing deeper into Jared’s armpit.
“I know, Jen. We’re almost there,” Jared muttered.
“Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“I like your place.”
“Okay, Jen.”
Jensen kept rambling, the Texas coming out in his voice even more, thanks to all the tequila shots. Jared mumbled noncommittal responses when appropriate and stopped Jensen’s wandering hands from wandering to possibly bad places. Luckily, he got them home in one piece. He just wanted to dump Jensen in the spare room and retreat to his own bed, because Jensen’s touch affected him way more than usual tonight, and his erection pushed painfully at the zipper of his jeans. He needed some time alone to take care of things.
Sadie and Harley greeted them at the door with their customary enthusiasm, and Jensen knelt down to give them pats and receive doggy kisses. He giggled and shrugged his shoulder when Harley stuck his tongue in his ear, hugged Sadie and rubbed her belly. Jared sighed and dragged him to his feet and down the hall. He pushed him gently onto the end of the bed, pulling his boots off and tossing them somewhere behind him. Leaning forward, Jensen awkwardly bumped Jared’s cheek with the back of his hand, then slowly slid his fingers through his hair. Jared closed his eyes and briefly laid his forehead on the mattress, exhaling deeply. You’d think after five years of dealing with Jensen like this, he’d get used to it.
With Jensen still playing with his hair, Jared unbuttoned Jensen’s jeans and moved to the zipper. Except his clumsy drunk fingers miscalculated and accidentally brushed against Jensen’s dick.
Jensen moaned.
Jared figured he imagined it, so his brain thought it a good idea to do it again and see if he got the same reaction. Jensen moaned again, louder this time, and there was no mistaking the hardening under his palm.
“Touch me. Oh, God, please. Touch me.”
Jared startled at the drunkenly slurred plea and lost his balance, clutching the covers to keep from toppling completely over. “Jen?” he asked softly, heart pounding in his ears.
“Please. Come on, touch me. Please, please, come on. Suck me. Suck me, please.”
He’d never heard Jensen beg, not like this, all desperate and full of need, and fuck if it wasn’t hot. But Jensen was drunk. They were both drunk, and this had bad idea written all over it. He probably had no idea what he was asking, who he was asking. Jared remembered a time or two of being so plastered and horny that he’d’ve begged the Pope to get him off. But Jared had wanted Jensen for so long now, and the alcohol made him think this was okay, that Jensen was aware of what he was doing and there’d be no regrets in the morning. And Jensen wanted it, too, was still begging, shifting restlessly on the bed, trying to buck into the hand that rested mostly forgotten on his zipper.
Jared glanced up at Jensen, at the tense muscles of his neck, at the gorgeous green eyes gone dark with desire, and gave up the fight. He had one more “what the fuck are you doing?” moment before he shut off his brain and stopped thinking.
Jensen cut off abruptly and whimpered when Jared cupped his dick through his jeans, rubbing his thumb over the head. Encouraged, Jared finished pulling the zipper down, then shimmied his pants and boxers down to his thighs. Jensen’s dick sprang free, curling towards his stomach, and Jared swallowed. He was bigger than Jared expected, long and thick, already leaking precome. Jared lightly ran a nail down the length and across the slit, and Jensen collapsed back on the bed, groaning and gripping the sheets tightly. He stroked him slowly, learning the weight and feel of him.
“Oh, Christ. Just, God, please suck me. Oh, Christ,” Jensen pleaded, and Jared could no longer refuse him.
It was sloppy, too much spit, eagerness and alcohol lessening his finesse, but Jensen moaned and growled his pleasure. He fucked into Jared’s mouth with deep, desperate thrusts and keened. Jared sucked hard, tonguing under the head and hollowing his cheeks. Not long after, Jensen arched off the bed and came in hot, thick ropes. Jared swallowed what he could, then pulled off and jacked him through the rest of his orgasm.
“Fuck,” Jensen swore. And passed out.
Jared sat back on his heels, panting, head swimming. Finally, he tugged Jensen’s jeans the rest of the way off and tucked him back into his boxers, throwing the comforter over him. When he reached his room, the reality of what he’d just done crashed over him, and he raced to the bathroom, skidding onto his knees by the toilet. He only dry-heaved, though, so he leaned against the wall, knees drawn up. His head throbbed and even worse, his dick throbbed insistently, too. He slipped a hand into his pants and wrapped it around his dick, jerking himself hard and rough. He came with Jensen’s name on his lips and the musky taste of Jensen still heavy on his tongue.
And then he threw up.
X.
Jensen was tired of waking up and feeling like something scraped off the underside of a shoe. Maybe it was time to quit the tequila nights at the bar. He wasn’t in college anymore, after all, and he had responsibilities now, an important job where people’s lives literally rested in his hands. He groaned and rolled over onto his back, squinting at the feeble light peeking through the curtains. He scrubbed a hand over his face and grimaced. Drool caked at the corner of his mouth, his eyes felt fried from sleeping in his contacts, and his head pounded a rhythm letting him know those last few shots had been a horrible mistake. Moaning pitifully, he turned onto his side and came face-to-snout with one of the dogs.
“Hey, buddy,” he said, lifting his head enough to focus on Harley, sitting patiently by the side of the bed. It was almost guard dog-like, and Jensen wondered if Jared had sent him in to make sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit during the night.
But why did the thought of Jared make him want to crawl back under the covers and never come out?
Harley whined at him, and much as he wished he could stay in bed all day, Jensen knew he had to get up eventually. He tripped on his boots at the end of the bed and almost did a header into the carpet but caught himself in time. Christ, I’m still drunk. He shuffled along the familiar path into the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror. He knew what he looked like- dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, sallow skin stretching too tight over his face, hair sticking up in a million directions, his usual hangover mess. He was itchy and felt disgusting and what the hell was this crusty shit all over his shirt and ohJesusfuckingChrist! A sudden, dizzying memory of hot, wet suction bloomed behind his closed eyes, and he braced his palms on the wall to steady himself.
“Fuck! Oh, fuck!”
Jesus Christ, this had to be a nightmare. He didn’t really beg Jared for a blowjob. Only he knew he had. He remembered it, remembered wanting Jared to touch him with a desperation and intensity he’d never felt before, remembered the strong relief thrumming through his blood when Jared’s mouth finally closed around him, remembered how fucking incredible it was.
Shit. Oh, holy shit.
He wanted Jared, badly, but not like that, not with alcohol clouding their judgment, not with regrets in the morning.
He stayed in the bathroom for a long time, splashing cold water on his face and calming down. He threw his contacts out, even though his vision blurred considerably without them. They’d permanently adhere to his overly dry eyes if he left them in. He couldn’t face Jared with a come stain so obviously evident on his t-shirt (couldn’t really face him at all), and he considered digging out one of Jared’s. He wore Jared’s clothes before, but that seemed incredibly intimate after what happened, so he settled for turning his shirt inside out. The stain wasn’t so noticeable that way, but it scratched his ribs, a constant reminder of the amazing feel of Jared’s lips sliding over his dick.
Blowing out a breath, he stepped out of the bathroom and headed back to the spare room to get dressed. There was no way he could talk to Jared without pants on. After, he followed the noise to the living room, where Jared sat dejectedly on the couch not watching the blaring TV.
“Hey,” Jensen said quietly, and Jared snapped his head around to stare at him.
“Hey,” he replied after a too-long pause, swallowing and glancing away.
Jensen wished he could smooth the frown lines on Jared’s forehead, erase that uncertain and defeated look in his eyes. But what the hell do you say in a situation like this? Thanks for sucking me off, let’s do it again sometime? I’m so sorry for putting you in this position, please forgive me? You won’t believe this, but I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you?
He didn’t know, so he said nothing, just blurted some excuse about needing to go to the hospital and practically ran out of Jared’s apartment.
It wasn’t until he reached his house and was able to breathe freely again that he realized he freaked out more that it happened with Jared than the fact that he got a blowjob from a guy.
XI.
If there was one thing Jared learned from physics, it was that time was relative. An hour to you might feel like a day to someone else. Lately, his sense of time was all screwed up. It slowed down and sped up and jumped unexpectedly. A lecture one day could last for an age, and the next day end as soon as he opened his notebook. Days disappeared or dragged on forever. He didn’t mean to, but he started parsing time out in his head as before that night, and after. Before he possibly ruined his friendship with Jensen forever, and after. Before he knew what Jensen tasted like, how he sounded when he came, and after.
He spent most of his time holed up in his apartment. Moping dejectedly, Chad claimed once when he found Jared on the couch, surrounded by takeout containers and empty beer bottles. No matter how many times Chad asked, though, Jared wouldn’t tell him why. He went out a few times, when Chad dragged him, to Chad’s for dinner with him and Kenzie, to the diner a couple times, but it was hard to see Jensen, to act normally in front of all their friends. By some unspoken, mutual agreement, they decided not to talk about what happened, to pretend it never happened (though there was no way he could ever forget it). They still talked, but it was often stilted, awkward, punctuated with silences and glances that quickly slid away from the other’s gaze.
The semester ended, and he aced physics (“Knew you would, asshole,” Chad told him.). While normally he’d celebrate with a big party or a smaller BBQ with the group, it passed quietly, with Sadie laying on his feet and whimpering under her breath. She sensed something wasn’t right, waited at the door at night after he got home, and he knew she expected Jensen to show up and shower her with hugs. Harley, too, acted more subdued than normal. And he lost count of the times he fell asleep with one of the dogs beside him on the bed, tears in his eyes but stubbornly blinking them away.
He fell in love with Jensen years ago, and he’d had to live with that since, with the knowledge that he’ll never be with Jensen, that Jensen will never love him back. He fell harder and harder for him, despite watching from the sidelines as Jensen dated and never looked at Jared twice. And, yeah, it hurt, more than he ever admitted to himself, but that was nothing compared to how much he hurt now.
More than anything, he wished he could conquer time travel and go back to that moment, where everything held in the balance, and not give in, not let alcohol help make the decision, not let his overwhelming desire to touch Jensen in any way take precedence over good sense. He was so angry with himself for doing it, but truthfully, he hated Jensen a little for putting him in that situation, for asking for something he was all too willing to give. He wanted to move on, to get over it, get over Jensen. He wanted to fix their fractured friendship and hang out like they used to. And, oh, God, he wanted to push Jensen against the wall and kiss him like he’d never stop.
“Seriously, dude, what the hell is wrong with you? You look like you’re ready to burst into tears,” Chad asked, kicking his foot at Jared’s shin.
Jared blinked, experiencing another time jump. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there, staring blankly at the TV. “Nothing,” he mumbled, sinking further into the hoodie he had on, never mind that May in Austin wasn’t exactly hoodie wearing weather.
“Bullshit. That’s total bullshit. Come on, Jared, talk to me. You’ve been kinda quiet and broody for weeks now. What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” he repeated and closed his eyes tiredly. Not that it helped any. All he saw when he closed his eyes now was Jensen, clawing the sheets and begging for more.
Chad sighed, then grabbed Jared’s jaw and forced Jared to face him. “You’re an asshole, you know that? Whatever the fuck is wrong- and forget that it’s pissing me off you won’t say what it is- either get over it or stop being a pussy and fix it! I’m tired of these sad puppy dog looks and you moping around all the time. I will kick your ass if you need me to, and you know I’m not lying. Right?”
“Right.” Jared smiled crookedly. It felt foreign on his face. “Thanks, man.”
“Whatever.” Chad released his jaw and turned back to the TV, back to macho, don’t-touch-me mode.
Get over it or fix it, Chad had said. The problem was that he had no idea how to do either.
XII.
“The mayor called me today. Wants me to restore his ’62 Chevy C-10,” Chris said, attempting to hide his smug grin without much luck.
“Wow, Chris, that’s amazing!” Jamie replied, kissing his cheek.
“Thanks.” He sat back in his chair and put his feet up on the table, giving Steve the finger when he yelled at him from the kitchen. “I’ll be set for awhile after this one.”
“That’s awesome, dude,” Mike said, and everyone else echoed him.
“Anyone else?” Jamie asked, looking around.
“One of the kids in my class learned the meaning of inappropriate word today.” Tom grinned and told them the story of the little girl repeatedly inserting shit into every sentence. “I thought my room mother was gonna have a stroke when she heard it. Her eyes bugged out, and she opened her mouth but nothing came out, so she looked like a fish. And I was standing there trying not to laugh at both of them.”
“You won’t be laughing when David starts talking in a few months. What if he does the same thing?” Mike put in.
“If? Are you kidding me? Between you, Chris, and Chad, his first word is gonna be fuck!”
Jensen laughed along with everyone else, even though he wasn’t feeling it. He hadn’t felt like laughing for weeks now. He thought coming out to dinner tonight would help, would get him out of this sad and pathetic frame of mind, help him forget the brittleness of his encounters with Jared. He wasn’t here now, which made things easier, but there were several times lately when he just wanted to pin Jared down and hash it all out. Keeping silent obviously didn’t work, and it killed him to lose his best friend in this way. He’d take it all back, make it all go away, if Jared would just talk to him again, would stop looking at him all wounded and broken (the same look he saw in the mirror everyday), would just be Jared again.
He missed whatever Kenzie’s announcement was. He assumed it wasn’t anything to do with weddings or babies, because Jamie hadn’t started screaming hysterically. The temptation to make his own announcement hit him then, but he didn’t think it’d be a good idea to blurt out “Jared gave me a blowjob and I wanna do it again, I want it all and, oh, yeah, I’m in love with him, too.”
Christ. Christ, Christ, Christ. He hated this. His life felt tilted at an angle, and if he moved at all, everything would slide right off. He could save some things, maybe, nail them down, but not the most important thing, not the one that made it all worth it.
A commotion at the door drew his attention, and he sucked in a breath when he recognized a shaggy head at the front. He suppressed a groan and the familiar curl of desire in his gut.
“Hey, man, you okay? You’re all…twitchy.”
“Uh, yeah. Fine,” Jensen answered Tom’s question absently, too busy concentrating on controlling his breathing and heartbeat as Jared threaded his way to their table.
“Jensen? Jensen?” he said louder, more forcefully.
“What?” He sounded snappish and whiny and he was never like that, at least not with Tom.
Tom gaped at him a moment, followed his gaze to Jared, then leveled him with an amazingly shrewd look. Shifting uncomfortably, Jensen suddenly became very interested in the mostly untouched food on his plate.
“Jensen.” This was a lot quieter and full of concern.
“Just drop it, Tom, please.” He really had no desire to explain how pathetically lovesick he was. Or how stupid. “Just, please.”
“All right,” he agreed reluctantly. “But if you want to talk.”
“Thanks,” he murmured, watching Jared drop into a chair at the other end of the table.
Fortunately, Tom didn’t pursue it, but what little appetite he had disappeared. He picked at his dinner and eventually pushed his plate aside. Jensen waited till most everyone left before quietly approaching Jared.
“Jay?”
Startled, Jared snapped his head up. He looked cornered and lost, and Jensen wanted to kiss his frown away. “Jen. Uh, hey.”
“Jay, this is-” He scrubbed a hand over his face and back through his hair. “Just tell me what to do so we can get passed this, so I can get my best friend back.”
“I don’t know.” His voice broke part way through, and he swallowed. “I don’t know, Jen.”
“Can we try at least?”
Jared stayed silent so long, Jensen turned to go.
“My place, Sunday at 4. Bring pizza,” Jared told him finally, smiling tentatively at him.
It wasn’t much, but, God, it was beautiful.
XIII.
“Can you pass the chips, please?” Jensen asked.
“Uh, yeah. Here.”
Jared handed him the bag of chips and tried not to cry at how utterly polite they were being with each other. Normally, Jensen would crawl over him and grab the bag out of his hand, maybe smack him on the back of the head for hogging them. Now, though, touching each other in any way? God, it was like they were on different planets, not just opposite sides of the couch.
“Thanks.”
This lets-hang-out-and-be-friends-again thing was failing spectacularly. They barely talked, they wouldn’t look at each other unless they other one looked away, they couldn’t even agree on a movie. What happened to the Jared and Jensen that read one another’s minds? That finished each other’s sentences? That could have lulls in conversation without it feeling awkward and strained?
Jared remembered getting The Talk from his parents and beside it being the most uncomfortable discussion of his teenage years, the one thing that always stuck out to him was his mama saying “Sex changes everything, Jared, so just be sure before you do anything.” He’d scoffed at the time, thinking his mama was insane, because sex was awesome and he was gonna have as much as possible when he got to college and how could it ever be a bad thing?
Damn her for being right.
Jared had no idea what was going on in the movie, never mind that he’d seen it before, and he could tell Jensen wasn’t watching it either. After today, they just had to face that they were never coming back from what happened. They just couldn’t.
As the credits rolled and they continued to sit in silence, Jared risked a glance at Jensen. It was unfair how beautiful he was, even so dejected and obviously sleep-deprived. He hated to see him hurting so much, to know he was the cause. Jensen sighed and muttered, “Oh, fuck it.” Jared just had time to frown before he had a mouthful of Jensen tongue. He almost choked, mostly from surprise, and while his brain still shouted “WHAT THE FUCK?” his body caught up quickly and kissed Jensen back. It was hungry, frantic, open-mouthed and deep and everything he’d imagined kissing Jensen would be. Jensen’s mouth felt incredible, hot and wet, tasted like pepperoni pizza and a hint of the mint gum he liked to chew. He applied just the right amount of pressure and not too much tongue, and Jared drank it all in, drowning in the unexpected sensation of Jensen’s mouth on his.
Lack of air finally forced them apart, and Jared leaned his head on the back of the couch, breathing heavily and trying to make sense of what just happened. Jensen stroked his cheek, laying gentle nips along his jaw. Sliding his hands up to grip Jensen’s biceps, Jared pushed him away.
“Jen?” he murmured and knew Jensen could read all the questions in his eyes.
“Jay, just-” He cut off and rested his forehead on Jared’s shoulder, then sucked on his collarbone.
Jared jerked, tilting his head to allow Jensen better access, hands tightening around his arms. Jensen slowly kissed his way back to Jared’s mouth, sucking on his bottom lip before licking inside. Jared pulled him closer, whimpered when Jensen tangled his hands in his hair.
“God, Jay, want you so fucking much,” he growled, biting his ear.
Jared froze, his heart stuttering in his chest. That hit him like a slap in the face, made him figuratively step back and really see what was going on. He couldn’t do this, not like this. If the past few weeks taught him anything, it was that he didn’t want Jensen just for the sake of sex. He wanted all of Jensen, or nothing.
“Jen, stop. Stop!” he said desperately, pushing him away again.
“Jared?” Jensen sat back on his heels, licking his kiss-swollen and bitten lips, and Jared looked away.
“I can’t do this, not like- I just- I can’t.”
“Jay, wait.”
“I can’t do this again, not like this. I want-” He dropped his head in his hands, rubbing at his eyes.
“Jay, let me explain.”
He shook his head. “Just go. Please, Jensen. Just go,” he whispered, voice raw from the emotions too close to the surface.
Jensen seemed like he wanted to say something else, but all he did was nod shakily and stand. “Okay. I’m- Okay.” He searched blankly for his keys for a moment, then walked to the door.
Jared watched him go, heart tripping madly. When he was alone, he finally gave in to the tension and agony from the last few weeks. Tears stung his eyes and as quickly as he wiped them away, even more fell.
XIV.
Jensen had just put on a clean pair of scrubs when one of the senior residents stuck her head in the door and told him he had a visitor. For one stupid moment, he thought it might be Jared before he tamped down on that useless expectation. Jared hadn’t answered any of his calls or texts, hadn’t shown up at the diner, had ignored him since the day Jensen walked out of his apartment. He couldn’t see that changing any time soon.
“You look like shit,” Steve told him as soon as he stepped out in the hall.
Jensen sighed and leaned against the wall. “I just got out of an 8-hour surgery, Steve. Can we not do this now? I’m tired and not in the mood for more lectures.”
“Tough shit. You need to hear it.”
“Fine,” he conceded. “Coffee?”
Steve nodded, so Jensen pushed away from the wall and led him downstairs to the cafeteria. They sat at a table towards the back, and Jensen almost fell asleep in his paper coffee cup before Steve spoke again.
“You really do look like shit, Jensen. Are you getting any sleep?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” He shook his head, rubbing his temples. It’d been a long, tough surgery to repair a hole in the heart of a 10-year-old little girl. She almost didn’t make it. And the last thing he needed was to think about his fucked up relationship with Jared. Not that he ever stopped thinking about it.
Steve leaned on his elbows on the table, fixing Jensen with an intense stare. “This isn’t just because you’re in love with Jared, is it? Something happened to change everything.”
“No,” he said stubbornly, taking a sip of coffee, but it tasted like tar, so he tossed it the trashcan behind him.
“Come on, man. A couple months ago you were fine, maybe a little confused and scared, but not depressed and like you’ll break down at any minute. Did Jared find out how you feel and tell you to go to hell or something?”
Jensen laughed mirthlessly. If only it was that easy. He might’ve been able to deal with an outright rejection like that. “He gave me a blowjob,” he admitted finally, and Steve’s eyes widened. It’d be funny, if he weren’t so miserable.
“What? When?”
“A couple months ago. We went out with Chad and Chris. We were both drunk. I know that’s a dumb excuse, but I don’t think it would’ve happened otherwise. And things have been completely fucked up since then. A couple weeks ago, I just had to give in to temptation and kissed him, and now everything’s even more fucked up. The worst of this is that I lost my best friend.” He missed Jared, missed his dimpled smile and floppy hair, missed playing video games and letting Jared beat him at basketball, missed his friend with an ache that never went away.
“Wait, so you get trashed and he…”
Jensen nodded at Steve’s hand gesture. “Yeah.”
“When you kissed him, were you sober?”
“Yeah.”
“Did he kiss you back?”
“Yeah. Yeah, definitely.” And Jensen couldn’t describe how good that felt, to have Jared respond to him, to finally know what he tasted like and how soft his lips were, to have Jared arch into his touch and moan for more. Or how much it fucking hurt when Jared pushed him away.
“So how is this a bad thing?”
“Because he doesn’t really want me, Steve. He practically shoved me off him and asked me to leave.”
“He kissed you and then backed off and kicked you out, no explanation?”
“Yeah. No. He kept babbling I can’t do this, not like this. He wouldn’t listen to me, just told me to go.”
Sitting back in his chair, Steve closed his eyes and shook his head. “Oh, you fucking idiot,” he muttered fiercely. “He’s in love with you.”
Jensen’s mouth fell open. Where the hell did he get that? “What? No.”
“He’s in love with you, Jensen, and he’s trying to push you away so he doesn’t get hurt.”
Jensen’s first instinct was to protest, to tell Steve he had it all wrong. But then he remembered what he said right before Jared freaked out, I want you so fucking much, and how Jared looked like his heart was getting ripped out, and other things, too, suddenly clicked into place. “Oh, my God,” he breathed, stunned. “Oh, my God. What- What do I-”
“You want him, right? All of him and everything that includes?”
“Yes. God, yes.” Despite everything, Jared was everything he wanted.
“Then you have to tell him how you feel.”
“How? Steve, he won’t even talk to me.” He bit his lip, hating that quaver in his voice and the tears welling in his eyes.
“Make him. You know him better than anybody else does. You’ll figure out a way,” Steve said gently.
Wiping at his eyes, Jensen nodded jerkily. He maybe could have everything he wanted, if he could swallow his fear and somehow convince Jared to listen to him. He wasn’t sure what would be more difficult.
XV.
When he heard the knock on his door, Jared intended to ignore it, but they kept at it, hammering louder and louder. He didn’t want his neighbors to get angry, so he heaved himself off the couch. And maybe regretted it when he saw Jensen through the peephole.
“Come on, Jay. I know you’re in there. Open the door. Please, Jay. Please.”
It was probably his imagination that he could hear the hitch in Jensen’s breathing. He reluctantly opened the door and stepped back to let Jensen in. Jensen brushed past him, and Jared couldn’t stop the rapid beat of his heart or the unwelcome desire to wrap his arms around him.
“I brought beer and pizza. I figured it was our version of flowers and candy,” Jensen told him, setting everything down on the kitchen island.
“What?” Puzzled, Jared followed him into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway.
Jensen fiddled with something on the counter for a minute before turning around to face him. “It’s not just about sex. This. You and me. It’s not just about sex. If that’s all I wanted, I’d go to the bar and pick someone up.”
Hope flared in his chest, but he tamped it down. “Jensen.”
He held up a hand. “Let me finish, okay?” He waited for Jared’s nod, then continued. “Yes, I want sex, with you. I want you to show me everything, show me how amazing it can be between us. But I also want to hang out with you, go to the bar, kick your ass at Madden, walk the dogs. I want to spend Sundays snuggling with you on the couch and wake up with you, bad morning breath and all.” Jared didn’t even notice Jensen getting closer, till he reached up and laid a hand over Jared’s heart. “I want everything, Jay, and I want it with you.”
Swallowing, Jared dropped his gaze to finally look Jensen in the eye. What he saw there, Jensen’s quiet determination and something else that made his stomach flip flop crazily, convinced him he was telling the truth. “Jen, I-”
“I don’t know what exactly we have here, Jay, but I want to give it a try.”
“Yeah, Jen. God, yes. Me, too.”
Jensen grinned, eyes crinkling, and Jared bent his head to taste that gorgeous smile. This kiss was slower than before, taking the time to explore and learn each other’s mouths. Jensen opened automatically for the press of Jared’s tongue, and Jared’s head spun with the sensation. This was real. This was standing in the kitchen kissing Jensen, and he touched him all over to make sure he wasn’t dreaming- across the sprinkling of freckles on his cheeks, the strong pulse beat under his jaw, his hips and flat stomach.
Jared pulled back and rested his forehead against Jensen’s. “I’m so sorry, for the past few months, for everything,” he whispered. “I just never thought you’d feel the same way about me that I do about you.”
“Hey, stop,” Jensen replied gently, putting his fingertips over Jared’s mouth. He rubbed his thumb along Jared’s bottom lip and smiled. “We were both being, in Steve’s words, fucking idiots. But no more, right?”
“Right. Definitely.”
Jensen kissed him again, and it was somehow both sweet and demanding, hungry. He slipped his hands into Jared’s hair, moving his head down and to the side, tracing circles on his scalp with his nails. Jared ran his hands along Jensen’s spine, then down to frame his hips. He pulled him closer, shifting Jensen so he stood between his legs, wanting to feel as much of Jensen against him as possible. Jensen pressed even closer, making these impatient noises at the back of his throat, and deepened their kiss. Jared unconsciously bucked his hips and oh, god, yes, right there.
“Jay,” Jensen whined.
Sucking a bruise to the juncture of Jensen’s neck and shoulder, Jared rocked his hips, felt Jensen harden against his thigh. “Just move, Jen. Slow, like this,” he murmured, grinding into him.
Jensen gasped, grabbing Jared’s shoulders almost painfully, but he caught on quickly, rolling his hips in the perfect rhythm to match Jared’s movements. He’d waited a long time for this, to have Jensen with him, really with him, and he came embarrassingly fast. He’d care more, though, if Jensen didn’t kiss him, hard, and follow right after him.
“Shit. Holy shit,” Jensen groaned, shaking a little.
Smiling, Jared kissed his temple. “It only gets better,” he promised.
“How is that even possible?”
Jared laughed and wrapped his arms around Jensen, who snuggled in close, burying his nose in Jared’s collarbone. “Trust me.”
“I do. I do trust you,” he said quietly, stroking his fingers over Jared’s heart.
“Jen?” He swallowed, hugging him tighter. It was way too soon to say this, but he did it anyway. “I love you.”
“Good, ‘cause I’m kinda in love with you, too,” he answered lightly, but Jared detected the seriousness under the slightly teasing tone.
There was no possible way to contain his smile after that, and he didn’t even try.
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, with appearances by Chad, Mike, Tom, Steve, and Chris
Rating: hard R, maybe, for swearing and some boy touching
Word Count: 12,000+ in 2 parts
Disclaimer: I can only fantasize that this is really going on. Alas, it's not. Unless it is, and if so, I want photographic evidence, dammit!
Summary: AU. Jared pines for Jensen. Jensen starts falling for Jared. If only they'd stop being guys and tell each other...
A/N 1: This is, as always, for
rain388- my muse, my cheerleader, my handholder. And LOOKY! She made me a pretty, pretty banner!
A/N 2: Title from the Roxette song, though it has nothing to do with the plot.
Part 1
VIII.
Jared had a nice ass. No, scratch that. He had a fucking incredible ass, round and firm and displayed perfectly in his tight jeans. Jensen wished Jared would stop bending over in front of him, because one of these times, Jensen was just gonna grab him and bite that fine ass, and that probably wasn’t a good idea.
“Jen? You still with us here?” Jared asked, turning slightly to look over his shoulder at Jensen.
“Huh?” he replied oh-so-eloquently, finally tearing his eyes away from Jared’s backside and trying to focus on his face, made difficult by the awesome tequila buzz he had going. He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his head to clear it. Huh. There were two Jareds. That could be fun.
“Dude’s fucking trashed,” Chad laughed. He leaned on his pool cue and drained the last of his beer. “His eyes are all glassy and shit.”
“And you’re so sober?” Jared raised a brow, then unnecessarily spun his cue before taking his shot. “Ha! 8 ball in the corner pocket. Pay up, bitches!” he crowed, holding out his palm till Jensen and Chris handed over the cash. It took longer than it should have, since Chris grumbled about Chad cheating and Jensen somehow lost his wallet in his back pocket and fumbled a few times before fishing it out. “Jen? You okay, man?”
“Sure! Great! Another game?”
Jared studied him a minute, chewing on his bottom lip, and Jensen unconsciously licked his own lips, wishing he could run his tongue over Jared’s. All over Jared. Then Jared smiled and ducked his head, and a piece of hair fell over his forehead, curling perfectly into his eyes. Jensen’s fingers twitched, wanting so badly to brush the silky lock away for him, but instead he grabbed his cue to start the next game.
“Whoa, watch where you’re aiming that thing, man!” Chris exclaimed, stepping hurriedly to the side. “I may not want kids, but that doesn’t mean I want a pool cue stabbed through my balls!” Chad snorted and opened his mouth, but Chris cut him off. “Shut it, asshole! I know what you’re thinking!”
Chad attempted to look innocent, but on him it was more I have gas than you can trust me. “Whatever do you mean, Kane?” He waggled his brows and smirked.
Putting aside his cue, Jensen edged closer to Jared and out of the line of fire. Jared smiled crookedly at him and crossed his arms, settling in for the show. Chris and Chad would lay it on the line for each other, of course, but it didn’t mean they always got along. Jensen personally thought they just liked to ruffle each other’s feathers. Chris was in Chad’s face now, hissing something too low for Jensen to catch, but Chad gave it right back. He hoped it didn’t come to blows. Again. After a couple minutes, Jensen’s attention slid away from them and back to Jared. He leaned against the wall casually, cheeks flushed pink with alcohol and amusement, biceps straining the thin cotton of his t-shirt, beautiful hazel eyes lit up. He smelled good, too, clean and fresh, not like the stale air of the bar.
Jensen swallowed hard. He was so fucked, so very, very fucked. And not in the good way. Jensen swallowed again. Oh, Christ, did he want to be fucked by Jared, to fuck Jared, whatever. As long as they were naked and sweaty and licking and biting and sucking were involved, and, God, he was so thoroughly fucked.
Countless tequila shots and two games of pool later, Jensen felt amazingly well. He and Chris thoroughly trounced Jared and Chad at both games (due mostly to Chris; Jensen had trouble concentrating and actually hitting the right balls), and the alcohol flowed pleasantly through his body. So what if his fingertips were numb and he had the biggest hard-on ever after watching Jared all night? It wasn’t anything new for him.
“Hey, buddy, I like you and all, but can you get your hand off my head?” Chris asked, elbowing Jensen in the side gently.
Jensen slowly rotated his head toward Chris. “My hand and your head what?”
“Aw, Christ. Mr. Handsy is at it again,” Chad mumbled. “How the fuck do you put up with that all the time?”
“It’s not so bad,” Jared mentioned, grabbing Jensen’s hand from Chris’s head and setting it on the table. Jensen smiled at him, afraid it was ridiculously goofy but not really caring. “Usually,” he added softly.
“Yeah, he wasn’t just petting you like a fucking cat,” Chris grumbled.
“There’s a reason I call him Mr. Handsy,” Chad told him. “At least he’s never grabbed your ass.”
Chris smirked into his beer, then looked over at Jensen. “I think it’s time you take your boy home, Jared, before he passes out at the table.”
“M’not that drunk,” Jensen protested, but Jared still tugged him out of his chair. He could totally walk on his own, but leaned against Jared anyway. He smelled good and he felt even better, and it was the one chance he had to get close to Jared and not have the other man push him away.
“Come on, Jen, let’s go,” Jared murmured.
“M’not that drunk,” Jensen repeated and shook his head. And okay, maybe he was, because the world tilted and blurred, and only Jared’s arm around his waist kept him from sliding to the floor.
“It’s okay, Jen. I got you.”
And Jensen knew it was true.
IX.
It was a repeat from a few weeks ago, walking a drunk Jensen back to his place to sleep it off, only Jared was more than a little drunk this time, too. He almost sent them tumbling to the ground several times, his own equilibrium off as well as trying to balance a non-compliant Jensen. And Jensen was being even more handsy than usual and currently had one hand tucked into Jared’s jacket pocket.
“S’cold,” Jensen complained, burrowing deeper into Jared’s armpit.
“I know, Jen. We’re almost there,” Jared muttered.
“Jay?”
“Yeah?”
“I like your place.”
“Okay, Jen.”
Jensen kept rambling, the Texas coming out in his voice even more, thanks to all the tequila shots. Jared mumbled noncommittal responses when appropriate and stopped Jensen’s wandering hands from wandering to possibly bad places. Luckily, he got them home in one piece. He just wanted to dump Jensen in the spare room and retreat to his own bed, because Jensen’s touch affected him way more than usual tonight, and his erection pushed painfully at the zipper of his jeans. He needed some time alone to take care of things.
Sadie and Harley greeted them at the door with their customary enthusiasm, and Jensen knelt down to give them pats and receive doggy kisses. He giggled and shrugged his shoulder when Harley stuck his tongue in his ear, hugged Sadie and rubbed her belly. Jared sighed and dragged him to his feet and down the hall. He pushed him gently onto the end of the bed, pulling his boots off and tossing them somewhere behind him. Leaning forward, Jensen awkwardly bumped Jared’s cheek with the back of his hand, then slowly slid his fingers through his hair. Jared closed his eyes and briefly laid his forehead on the mattress, exhaling deeply. You’d think after five years of dealing with Jensen like this, he’d get used to it.
With Jensen still playing with his hair, Jared unbuttoned Jensen’s jeans and moved to the zipper. Except his clumsy drunk fingers miscalculated and accidentally brushed against Jensen’s dick.
Jensen moaned.
Jared figured he imagined it, so his brain thought it a good idea to do it again and see if he got the same reaction. Jensen moaned again, louder this time, and there was no mistaking the hardening under his palm.
“Touch me. Oh, God, please. Touch me.”
Jared startled at the drunkenly slurred plea and lost his balance, clutching the covers to keep from toppling completely over. “Jen?” he asked softly, heart pounding in his ears.
“Please. Come on, touch me. Please, please, come on. Suck me. Suck me, please.”
He’d never heard Jensen beg, not like this, all desperate and full of need, and fuck if it wasn’t hot. But Jensen was drunk. They were both drunk, and this had bad idea written all over it. He probably had no idea what he was asking, who he was asking. Jared remembered a time or two of being so plastered and horny that he’d’ve begged the Pope to get him off. But Jared had wanted Jensen for so long now, and the alcohol made him think this was okay, that Jensen was aware of what he was doing and there’d be no regrets in the morning. And Jensen wanted it, too, was still begging, shifting restlessly on the bed, trying to buck into the hand that rested mostly forgotten on his zipper.
Jared glanced up at Jensen, at the tense muscles of his neck, at the gorgeous green eyes gone dark with desire, and gave up the fight. He had one more “what the fuck are you doing?” moment before he shut off his brain and stopped thinking.
Jensen cut off abruptly and whimpered when Jared cupped his dick through his jeans, rubbing his thumb over the head. Encouraged, Jared finished pulling the zipper down, then shimmied his pants and boxers down to his thighs. Jensen’s dick sprang free, curling towards his stomach, and Jared swallowed. He was bigger than Jared expected, long and thick, already leaking precome. Jared lightly ran a nail down the length and across the slit, and Jensen collapsed back on the bed, groaning and gripping the sheets tightly. He stroked him slowly, learning the weight and feel of him.
“Oh, Christ. Just, God, please suck me. Oh, Christ,” Jensen pleaded, and Jared could no longer refuse him.
It was sloppy, too much spit, eagerness and alcohol lessening his finesse, but Jensen moaned and growled his pleasure. He fucked into Jared’s mouth with deep, desperate thrusts and keened. Jared sucked hard, tonguing under the head and hollowing his cheeks. Not long after, Jensen arched off the bed and came in hot, thick ropes. Jared swallowed what he could, then pulled off and jacked him through the rest of his orgasm.
“Fuck,” Jensen swore. And passed out.
Jared sat back on his heels, panting, head swimming. Finally, he tugged Jensen’s jeans the rest of the way off and tucked him back into his boxers, throwing the comforter over him. When he reached his room, the reality of what he’d just done crashed over him, and he raced to the bathroom, skidding onto his knees by the toilet. He only dry-heaved, though, so he leaned against the wall, knees drawn up. His head throbbed and even worse, his dick throbbed insistently, too. He slipped a hand into his pants and wrapped it around his dick, jerking himself hard and rough. He came with Jensen’s name on his lips and the musky taste of Jensen still heavy on his tongue.
And then he threw up.
X.
Jensen was tired of waking up and feeling like something scraped off the underside of a shoe. Maybe it was time to quit the tequila nights at the bar. He wasn’t in college anymore, after all, and he had responsibilities now, an important job where people’s lives literally rested in his hands. He groaned and rolled over onto his back, squinting at the feeble light peeking through the curtains. He scrubbed a hand over his face and grimaced. Drool caked at the corner of his mouth, his eyes felt fried from sleeping in his contacts, and his head pounded a rhythm letting him know those last few shots had been a horrible mistake. Moaning pitifully, he turned onto his side and came face-to-snout with one of the dogs.
“Hey, buddy,” he said, lifting his head enough to focus on Harley, sitting patiently by the side of the bed. It was almost guard dog-like, and Jensen wondered if Jared had sent him in to make sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit during the night.
But why did the thought of Jared make him want to crawl back under the covers and never come out?
Harley whined at him, and much as he wished he could stay in bed all day, Jensen knew he had to get up eventually. He tripped on his boots at the end of the bed and almost did a header into the carpet but caught himself in time. Christ, I’m still drunk. He shuffled along the familiar path into the bathroom, avoiding looking in the mirror. He knew what he looked like- dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, sallow skin stretching too tight over his face, hair sticking up in a million directions, his usual hangover mess. He was itchy and felt disgusting and what the hell was this crusty shit all over his shirt and ohJesusfuckingChrist! A sudden, dizzying memory of hot, wet suction bloomed behind his closed eyes, and he braced his palms on the wall to steady himself.
“Fuck! Oh, fuck!”
Jesus Christ, this had to be a nightmare. He didn’t really beg Jared for a blowjob. Only he knew he had. He remembered it, remembered wanting Jared to touch him with a desperation and intensity he’d never felt before, remembered the strong relief thrumming through his blood when Jared’s mouth finally closed around him, remembered how fucking incredible it was.
Shit. Oh, holy shit.
He wanted Jared, badly, but not like that, not with alcohol clouding their judgment, not with regrets in the morning.
He stayed in the bathroom for a long time, splashing cold water on his face and calming down. He threw his contacts out, even though his vision blurred considerably without them. They’d permanently adhere to his overly dry eyes if he left them in. He couldn’t face Jared with a come stain so obviously evident on his t-shirt (couldn’t really face him at all), and he considered digging out one of Jared’s. He wore Jared’s clothes before, but that seemed incredibly intimate after what happened, so he settled for turning his shirt inside out. The stain wasn’t so noticeable that way, but it scratched his ribs, a constant reminder of the amazing feel of Jared’s lips sliding over his dick.
Blowing out a breath, he stepped out of the bathroom and headed back to the spare room to get dressed. There was no way he could talk to Jared without pants on. After, he followed the noise to the living room, where Jared sat dejectedly on the couch not watching the blaring TV.
“Hey,” Jensen said quietly, and Jared snapped his head around to stare at him.
“Hey,” he replied after a too-long pause, swallowing and glancing away.
Jensen wished he could smooth the frown lines on Jared’s forehead, erase that uncertain and defeated look in his eyes. But what the hell do you say in a situation like this? Thanks for sucking me off, let’s do it again sometime? I’m so sorry for putting you in this position, please forgive me? You won’t believe this, but I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you?
He didn’t know, so he said nothing, just blurted some excuse about needing to go to the hospital and practically ran out of Jared’s apartment.
It wasn’t until he reached his house and was able to breathe freely again that he realized he freaked out more that it happened with Jared than the fact that he got a blowjob from a guy.
XI.
If there was one thing Jared learned from physics, it was that time was relative. An hour to you might feel like a day to someone else. Lately, his sense of time was all screwed up. It slowed down and sped up and jumped unexpectedly. A lecture one day could last for an age, and the next day end as soon as he opened his notebook. Days disappeared or dragged on forever. He didn’t mean to, but he started parsing time out in his head as before that night, and after. Before he possibly ruined his friendship with Jensen forever, and after. Before he knew what Jensen tasted like, how he sounded when he came, and after.
He spent most of his time holed up in his apartment. Moping dejectedly, Chad claimed once when he found Jared on the couch, surrounded by takeout containers and empty beer bottles. No matter how many times Chad asked, though, Jared wouldn’t tell him why. He went out a few times, when Chad dragged him, to Chad’s for dinner with him and Kenzie, to the diner a couple times, but it was hard to see Jensen, to act normally in front of all their friends. By some unspoken, mutual agreement, they decided not to talk about what happened, to pretend it never happened (though there was no way he could ever forget it). They still talked, but it was often stilted, awkward, punctuated with silences and glances that quickly slid away from the other’s gaze.
The semester ended, and he aced physics (“Knew you would, asshole,” Chad told him.). While normally he’d celebrate with a big party or a smaller BBQ with the group, it passed quietly, with Sadie laying on his feet and whimpering under her breath. She sensed something wasn’t right, waited at the door at night after he got home, and he knew she expected Jensen to show up and shower her with hugs. Harley, too, acted more subdued than normal. And he lost count of the times he fell asleep with one of the dogs beside him on the bed, tears in his eyes but stubbornly blinking them away.
He fell in love with Jensen years ago, and he’d had to live with that since, with the knowledge that he’ll never be with Jensen, that Jensen will never love him back. He fell harder and harder for him, despite watching from the sidelines as Jensen dated and never looked at Jared twice. And, yeah, it hurt, more than he ever admitted to himself, but that was nothing compared to how much he hurt now.
More than anything, he wished he could conquer time travel and go back to that moment, where everything held in the balance, and not give in, not let alcohol help make the decision, not let his overwhelming desire to touch Jensen in any way take precedence over good sense. He was so angry with himself for doing it, but truthfully, he hated Jensen a little for putting him in that situation, for asking for something he was all too willing to give. He wanted to move on, to get over it, get over Jensen. He wanted to fix their fractured friendship and hang out like they used to. And, oh, God, he wanted to push Jensen against the wall and kiss him like he’d never stop.
“Seriously, dude, what the hell is wrong with you? You look like you’re ready to burst into tears,” Chad asked, kicking his foot at Jared’s shin.
Jared blinked, experiencing another time jump. He had no idea how long he’d been sitting there, staring blankly at the TV. “Nothing,” he mumbled, sinking further into the hoodie he had on, never mind that May in Austin wasn’t exactly hoodie wearing weather.
“Bullshit. That’s total bullshit. Come on, Jared, talk to me. You’ve been kinda quiet and broody for weeks now. What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing,” he repeated and closed his eyes tiredly. Not that it helped any. All he saw when he closed his eyes now was Jensen, clawing the sheets and begging for more.
Chad sighed, then grabbed Jared’s jaw and forced Jared to face him. “You’re an asshole, you know that? Whatever the fuck is wrong- and forget that it’s pissing me off you won’t say what it is- either get over it or stop being a pussy and fix it! I’m tired of these sad puppy dog looks and you moping around all the time. I will kick your ass if you need me to, and you know I’m not lying. Right?”
“Right.” Jared smiled crookedly. It felt foreign on his face. “Thanks, man.”
“Whatever.” Chad released his jaw and turned back to the TV, back to macho, don’t-touch-me mode.
Get over it or fix it, Chad had said. The problem was that he had no idea how to do either.
XII.
“The mayor called me today. Wants me to restore his ’62 Chevy C-10,” Chris said, attempting to hide his smug grin without much luck.
“Wow, Chris, that’s amazing!” Jamie replied, kissing his cheek.
“Thanks.” He sat back in his chair and put his feet up on the table, giving Steve the finger when he yelled at him from the kitchen. “I’ll be set for awhile after this one.”
“That’s awesome, dude,” Mike said, and everyone else echoed him.
“Anyone else?” Jamie asked, looking around.
“One of the kids in my class learned the meaning of inappropriate word today.” Tom grinned and told them the story of the little girl repeatedly inserting shit into every sentence. “I thought my room mother was gonna have a stroke when she heard it. Her eyes bugged out, and she opened her mouth but nothing came out, so she looked like a fish. And I was standing there trying not to laugh at both of them.”
“You won’t be laughing when David starts talking in a few months. What if he does the same thing?” Mike put in.
“If? Are you kidding me? Between you, Chris, and Chad, his first word is gonna be fuck!”
Jensen laughed along with everyone else, even though he wasn’t feeling it. He hadn’t felt like laughing for weeks now. He thought coming out to dinner tonight would help, would get him out of this sad and pathetic frame of mind, help him forget the brittleness of his encounters with Jared. He wasn’t here now, which made things easier, but there were several times lately when he just wanted to pin Jared down and hash it all out. Keeping silent obviously didn’t work, and it killed him to lose his best friend in this way. He’d take it all back, make it all go away, if Jared would just talk to him again, would stop looking at him all wounded and broken (the same look he saw in the mirror everyday), would just be Jared again.
He missed whatever Kenzie’s announcement was. He assumed it wasn’t anything to do with weddings or babies, because Jamie hadn’t started screaming hysterically. The temptation to make his own announcement hit him then, but he didn’t think it’d be a good idea to blurt out “Jared gave me a blowjob and I wanna do it again, I want it all and, oh, yeah, I’m in love with him, too.”
Christ. Christ, Christ, Christ. He hated this. His life felt tilted at an angle, and if he moved at all, everything would slide right off. He could save some things, maybe, nail them down, but not the most important thing, not the one that made it all worth it.
A commotion at the door drew his attention, and he sucked in a breath when he recognized a shaggy head at the front. He suppressed a groan and the familiar curl of desire in his gut.
“Hey, man, you okay? You’re all…twitchy.”
“Uh, yeah. Fine,” Jensen answered Tom’s question absently, too busy concentrating on controlling his breathing and heartbeat as Jared threaded his way to their table.
“Jensen? Jensen?” he said louder, more forcefully.
“What?” He sounded snappish and whiny and he was never like that, at least not with Tom.
Tom gaped at him a moment, followed his gaze to Jared, then leveled him with an amazingly shrewd look. Shifting uncomfortably, Jensen suddenly became very interested in the mostly untouched food on his plate.
“Jensen.” This was a lot quieter and full of concern.
“Just drop it, Tom, please.” He really had no desire to explain how pathetically lovesick he was. Or how stupid. “Just, please.”
“All right,” he agreed reluctantly. “But if you want to talk.”
“Thanks,” he murmured, watching Jared drop into a chair at the other end of the table.
Fortunately, Tom didn’t pursue it, but what little appetite he had disappeared. He picked at his dinner and eventually pushed his plate aside. Jensen waited till most everyone left before quietly approaching Jared.
“Jay?”
Startled, Jared snapped his head up. He looked cornered and lost, and Jensen wanted to kiss his frown away. “Jen. Uh, hey.”
“Jay, this is-” He scrubbed a hand over his face and back through his hair. “Just tell me what to do so we can get passed this, so I can get my best friend back.”
“I don’t know.” His voice broke part way through, and he swallowed. “I don’t know, Jen.”
“Can we try at least?”
Jared stayed silent so long, Jensen turned to go.
“My place, Sunday at 4. Bring pizza,” Jared told him finally, smiling tentatively at him.
It wasn’t much, but, God, it was beautiful.
XIII.
“Can you pass the chips, please?” Jensen asked.
“Uh, yeah. Here.”
Jared handed him the bag of chips and tried not to cry at how utterly polite they were being with each other. Normally, Jensen would crawl over him and grab the bag out of his hand, maybe smack him on the back of the head for hogging them. Now, though, touching each other in any way? God, it was like they were on different planets, not just opposite sides of the couch.
“Thanks.”
This lets-hang-out-and-be-friends-again thing was failing spectacularly. They barely talked, they wouldn’t look at each other unless they other one looked away, they couldn’t even agree on a movie. What happened to the Jared and Jensen that read one another’s minds? That finished each other’s sentences? That could have lulls in conversation without it feeling awkward and strained?
Jared remembered getting The Talk from his parents and beside it being the most uncomfortable discussion of his teenage years, the one thing that always stuck out to him was his mama saying “Sex changes everything, Jared, so just be sure before you do anything.” He’d scoffed at the time, thinking his mama was insane, because sex was awesome and he was gonna have as much as possible when he got to college and how could it ever be a bad thing?
Damn her for being right.
Jared had no idea what was going on in the movie, never mind that he’d seen it before, and he could tell Jensen wasn’t watching it either. After today, they just had to face that they were never coming back from what happened. They just couldn’t.
As the credits rolled and they continued to sit in silence, Jared risked a glance at Jensen. It was unfair how beautiful he was, even so dejected and obviously sleep-deprived. He hated to see him hurting so much, to know he was the cause. Jensen sighed and muttered, “Oh, fuck it.” Jared just had time to frown before he had a mouthful of Jensen tongue. He almost choked, mostly from surprise, and while his brain still shouted “WHAT THE FUCK?” his body caught up quickly and kissed Jensen back. It was hungry, frantic, open-mouthed and deep and everything he’d imagined kissing Jensen would be. Jensen’s mouth felt incredible, hot and wet, tasted like pepperoni pizza and a hint of the mint gum he liked to chew. He applied just the right amount of pressure and not too much tongue, and Jared drank it all in, drowning in the unexpected sensation of Jensen’s mouth on his.
Lack of air finally forced them apart, and Jared leaned his head on the back of the couch, breathing heavily and trying to make sense of what just happened. Jensen stroked his cheek, laying gentle nips along his jaw. Sliding his hands up to grip Jensen’s biceps, Jared pushed him away.
“Jen?” he murmured and knew Jensen could read all the questions in his eyes.
“Jay, just-” He cut off and rested his forehead on Jared’s shoulder, then sucked on his collarbone.
Jared jerked, tilting his head to allow Jensen better access, hands tightening around his arms. Jensen slowly kissed his way back to Jared’s mouth, sucking on his bottom lip before licking inside. Jared pulled him closer, whimpered when Jensen tangled his hands in his hair.
“God, Jay, want you so fucking much,” he growled, biting his ear.
Jared froze, his heart stuttering in his chest. That hit him like a slap in the face, made him figuratively step back and really see what was going on. He couldn’t do this, not like this. If the past few weeks taught him anything, it was that he didn’t want Jensen just for the sake of sex. He wanted all of Jensen, or nothing.
“Jen, stop. Stop!” he said desperately, pushing him away again.
“Jared?” Jensen sat back on his heels, licking his kiss-swollen and bitten lips, and Jared looked away.
“I can’t do this, not like- I just- I can’t.”
“Jay, wait.”
“I can’t do this again, not like this. I want-” He dropped his head in his hands, rubbing at his eyes.
“Jay, let me explain.”
He shook his head. “Just go. Please, Jensen. Just go,” he whispered, voice raw from the emotions too close to the surface.
Jensen seemed like he wanted to say something else, but all he did was nod shakily and stand. “Okay. I’m- Okay.” He searched blankly for his keys for a moment, then walked to the door.
Jared watched him go, heart tripping madly. When he was alone, he finally gave in to the tension and agony from the last few weeks. Tears stung his eyes and as quickly as he wiped them away, even more fell.
XIV.
Jensen had just put on a clean pair of scrubs when one of the senior residents stuck her head in the door and told him he had a visitor. For one stupid moment, he thought it might be Jared before he tamped down on that useless expectation. Jared hadn’t answered any of his calls or texts, hadn’t shown up at the diner, had ignored him since the day Jensen walked out of his apartment. He couldn’t see that changing any time soon.
“You look like shit,” Steve told him as soon as he stepped out in the hall.
Jensen sighed and leaned against the wall. “I just got out of an 8-hour surgery, Steve. Can we not do this now? I’m tired and not in the mood for more lectures.”
“Tough shit. You need to hear it.”
“Fine,” he conceded. “Coffee?”
Steve nodded, so Jensen pushed away from the wall and led him downstairs to the cafeteria. They sat at a table towards the back, and Jensen almost fell asleep in his paper coffee cup before Steve spoke again.
“You really do look like shit, Jensen. Are you getting any sleep?”
“Yeah. No. I don’t know.” He shook his head, rubbing his temples. It’d been a long, tough surgery to repair a hole in the heart of a 10-year-old little girl. She almost didn’t make it. And the last thing he needed was to think about his fucked up relationship with Jared. Not that he ever stopped thinking about it.
Steve leaned on his elbows on the table, fixing Jensen with an intense stare. “This isn’t just because you’re in love with Jared, is it? Something happened to change everything.”
“No,” he said stubbornly, taking a sip of coffee, but it tasted like tar, so he tossed it the trashcan behind him.
“Come on, man. A couple months ago you were fine, maybe a little confused and scared, but not depressed and like you’ll break down at any minute. Did Jared find out how you feel and tell you to go to hell or something?”
Jensen laughed mirthlessly. If only it was that easy. He might’ve been able to deal with an outright rejection like that. “He gave me a blowjob,” he admitted finally, and Steve’s eyes widened. It’d be funny, if he weren’t so miserable.
“What? When?”
“A couple months ago. We went out with Chad and Chris. We were both drunk. I know that’s a dumb excuse, but I don’t think it would’ve happened otherwise. And things have been completely fucked up since then. A couple weeks ago, I just had to give in to temptation and kissed him, and now everything’s even more fucked up. The worst of this is that I lost my best friend.” He missed Jared, missed his dimpled smile and floppy hair, missed playing video games and letting Jared beat him at basketball, missed his friend with an ache that never went away.
“Wait, so you get trashed and he…”
Jensen nodded at Steve’s hand gesture. “Yeah.”
“When you kissed him, were you sober?”
“Yeah.”
“Did he kiss you back?”
“Yeah. Yeah, definitely.” And Jensen couldn’t describe how good that felt, to have Jared respond to him, to finally know what he tasted like and how soft his lips were, to have Jared arch into his touch and moan for more. Or how much it fucking hurt when Jared pushed him away.
“So how is this a bad thing?”
“Because he doesn’t really want me, Steve. He practically shoved me off him and asked me to leave.”
“He kissed you and then backed off and kicked you out, no explanation?”
“Yeah. No. He kept babbling I can’t do this, not like this. He wouldn’t listen to me, just told me to go.”
Sitting back in his chair, Steve closed his eyes and shook his head. “Oh, you fucking idiot,” he muttered fiercely. “He’s in love with you.”
Jensen’s mouth fell open. Where the hell did he get that? “What? No.”
“He’s in love with you, Jensen, and he’s trying to push you away so he doesn’t get hurt.”
Jensen’s first instinct was to protest, to tell Steve he had it all wrong. But then he remembered what he said right before Jared freaked out, I want you so fucking much, and how Jared looked like his heart was getting ripped out, and other things, too, suddenly clicked into place. “Oh, my God,” he breathed, stunned. “Oh, my God. What- What do I-”
“You want him, right? All of him and everything that includes?”
“Yes. God, yes.” Despite everything, Jared was everything he wanted.
“Then you have to tell him how you feel.”
“How? Steve, he won’t even talk to me.” He bit his lip, hating that quaver in his voice and the tears welling in his eyes.
“Make him. You know him better than anybody else does. You’ll figure out a way,” Steve said gently.
Wiping at his eyes, Jensen nodded jerkily. He maybe could have everything he wanted, if he could swallow his fear and somehow convince Jared to listen to him. He wasn’t sure what would be more difficult.
XV.
When he heard the knock on his door, Jared intended to ignore it, but they kept at it, hammering louder and louder. He didn’t want his neighbors to get angry, so he heaved himself off the couch. And maybe regretted it when he saw Jensen through the peephole.
“Come on, Jay. I know you’re in there. Open the door. Please, Jay. Please.”
It was probably his imagination that he could hear the hitch in Jensen’s breathing. He reluctantly opened the door and stepped back to let Jensen in. Jensen brushed past him, and Jared couldn’t stop the rapid beat of his heart or the unwelcome desire to wrap his arms around him.
“I brought beer and pizza. I figured it was our version of flowers and candy,” Jensen told him, setting everything down on the kitchen island.
“What?” Puzzled, Jared followed him into the kitchen, pausing in the doorway.
Jensen fiddled with something on the counter for a minute before turning around to face him. “It’s not just about sex. This. You and me. It’s not just about sex. If that’s all I wanted, I’d go to the bar and pick someone up.”
Hope flared in his chest, but he tamped it down. “Jensen.”
He held up a hand. “Let me finish, okay?” He waited for Jared’s nod, then continued. “Yes, I want sex, with you. I want you to show me everything, show me how amazing it can be between us. But I also want to hang out with you, go to the bar, kick your ass at Madden, walk the dogs. I want to spend Sundays snuggling with you on the couch and wake up with you, bad morning breath and all.” Jared didn’t even notice Jensen getting closer, till he reached up and laid a hand over Jared’s heart. “I want everything, Jay, and I want it with you.”
Swallowing, Jared dropped his gaze to finally look Jensen in the eye. What he saw there, Jensen’s quiet determination and something else that made his stomach flip flop crazily, convinced him he was telling the truth. “Jen, I-”
“I don’t know what exactly we have here, Jay, but I want to give it a try.”
“Yeah, Jen. God, yes. Me, too.”
Jensen grinned, eyes crinkling, and Jared bent his head to taste that gorgeous smile. This kiss was slower than before, taking the time to explore and learn each other’s mouths. Jensen opened automatically for the press of Jared’s tongue, and Jared’s head spun with the sensation. This was real. This was standing in the kitchen kissing Jensen, and he touched him all over to make sure he wasn’t dreaming- across the sprinkling of freckles on his cheeks, the strong pulse beat under his jaw, his hips and flat stomach.
Jared pulled back and rested his forehead against Jensen’s. “I’m so sorry, for the past few months, for everything,” he whispered. “I just never thought you’d feel the same way about me that I do about you.”
“Hey, stop,” Jensen replied gently, putting his fingertips over Jared’s mouth. He rubbed his thumb along Jared’s bottom lip and smiled. “We were both being, in Steve’s words, fucking idiots. But no more, right?”
“Right. Definitely.”
Jensen kissed him again, and it was somehow both sweet and demanding, hungry. He slipped his hands into Jared’s hair, moving his head down and to the side, tracing circles on his scalp with his nails. Jared ran his hands along Jensen’s spine, then down to frame his hips. He pulled him closer, shifting Jensen so he stood between his legs, wanting to feel as much of Jensen against him as possible. Jensen pressed even closer, making these impatient noises at the back of his throat, and deepened their kiss. Jared unconsciously bucked his hips and oh, god, yes, right there.
“Jay,” Jensen whined.
Sucking a bruise to the juncture of Jensen’s neck and shoulder, Jared rocked his hips, felt Jensen harden against his thigh. “Just move, Jen. Slow, like this,” he murmured, grinding into him.
Jensen gasped, grabbing Jared’s shoulders almost painfully, but he caught on quickly, rolling his hips in the perfect rhythm to match Jared’s movements. He’d waited a long time for this, to have Jensen with him, really with him, and he came embarrassingly fast. He’d care more, though, if Jensen didn’t kiss him, hard, and follow right after him.
“Shit. Holy shit,” Jensen groaned, shaking a little.
Smiling, Jared kissed his temple. “It only gets better,” he promised.
“How is that even possible?”
Jared laughed and wrapped his arms around Jensen, who snuggled in close, burying his nose in Jared’s collarbone. “Trust me.”
“I do. I do trust you,” he said quietly, stroking his fingers over Jared’s heart.
“Jen?” He swallowed, hugging him tighter. It was way too soon to say this, but he did it anyway. “I love you.”
“Good, ‘cause I’m kinda in love with you, too,” he answered lightly, but Jared detected the seriousness under the slightly teasing tone.
There was no possible way to contain his smile after that, and he didn’t even try.