After Abuse: On Rebuilding the Ability to Trust

[emberleo]

I wrote most of this up for a student of mine who has grown so much in the last few years, but still has those days where it seems like nothing ever goes anywhere, and it's just not worth it. I learned whatever of this is true both from my own personal experience and from discussing such topics with other friends who have their own histories. Two

Comments

[deirdremoon]

Sounds like a helluva paper/research/thesis topic. :) Should you need one for school...

[emberleo]

First I'd have to get into an applicable graduate program, funding and all. But yes, it's one of, er, several potential thesis areas of interest to me. And they overlap with eachother, but I'm not sure they'd make a good single combined subject, per se... ;p

--Ember--

[ravenschild9]

Very interesting, it rings very true and explains much. I seem to have been much at serveral stages there. I seem to take things very personal even if that is not the intent so I have trouble at stage 5 more then at 4. I have spent to much time at the lower stages. If I could trust more and accept things easier I could see that I am probably at stage 6 alot.

[emberleo]

I think that yeah, you actually have the most trouble accepting 4 and backslide to 3 from time to time. Really accepting 4 over 3 is what makes it easier to get to and stay with 5 and 6.

--Ember--

[ravenschild9]

that is so true,

[silverdreams225]

This is an incredibly helpful way of thinking about things! Breaking a process down into "stages" is always a good way to start looking at it.

I have spent far, far too much of my life at 0, but I think I'm finally in a place where I can comfortably and easily accept and believe in 4 or 5, depending on my given mental state (there are still days when I don't cook because I don't trust myself to be in the kitchen around all those sharp pointy things).

Some day, maybe, just maybe, 6 will be a reality. You guys are helping an awful lot with that! :)

[emberleo]

Well I sure hope we're helping!

Actually, it was something Chien said to me that really shocked me into Stage 5. Hit like a ton of bricks and forced me to really look at what I'd been assuming and why.

--Ember--

[shipofools999]

I suggest you might want to find a different name for this. The current title, while relevant, has so many things that can fall under it that it is be misleading. I expected to read something completely different.

I sent my mom a link to this. She is dealing with recently discovering how abused she has been and how much she just accepted it as normal. Her move back to the States is going to move her from 4 to 3 since she doesn't know how to make the systems here work and she keeps having trouble because of it.

[emberleo]

Oops, wrong login. Lemme try that again.

Do you mean I should rename this journal entry, or that I need a different name for the system itself? To my mind I named the system itself exactly what I meant, but I'm open to suggestions.

For the journal entry, I see what may be your point, and will at least adjust to make it... hmm, maybe a little less alarming, at least.

--Ember--

[shipofools999]

What struck me was that "Rebuilding the Ability to Trust" could mean so many things. I had to work out what you were talking about at first because it was so different than what I was expecting

[emberleo]

Hmm. From my perspective, this is about the phases involved in rebuilding the ability to trust *at all*, not in specific situations, does that make sense? It happens that much of my personal experience that feeds into it is contextual, but there are quite a few other people I had in mind even more, and they're all folks who have trouble trusting just in general, for any reason, in any context.

That said, I don't think it's necessarily an issue if folks expect something else on the way in - that doesn't make this false advertising, it just makes it a different direction on a related topic, eh?

I'm reminded that this sort of problem is why a lot of academic papers have really long titles...

--Ember--

[shipofools999]

Going over your system, I can see where I relate. Because I needed to unravel it to explain my point, you get my experience in terms of the system

[emberleo]

Hmm, ok.

*laughs* So basically what I'm trying NOT to have to have the title be is "Recovering the ability to trust self, individuals, and groups, after abuse." because that's long enough to loose the reader's attention, and I want something catchier.

It's not trust in only one thing, though. I almost think "faith" is a better word. I do mean trust, belief, AND hope, all of which are indicated by "faith". But it carries other, unrelated baggage too. :/

I was at least specific in that I said "rebuilding the ability to trust", not just "rebuilding trust"...

Um... this is very much about the various perspectives/worldviews we go through on our way to being healthy in this area, and not as much about the skills, or what we need to DO to get to those perspectives. Maybe I can find a way to emphasize that aspect?

--Ember--

[shipofools999]

How about Recovering the ability to trust after abuse?

Or Healing abuse trust issues?

Healing from abuse?

Rebuilding self after abuse?

Process out of abuse and into health?

Road out of abuse mindset into a healthy mindset? With this one you can have rest areas for the Stages. Or small towns you can live in for a while why you get used to working down the road. Or roadside dinners with blue plate specials. :)

[emberleo]

Road out of abuse mindset into a healthy mindset? With this one you can have rest areas for the Stages. Or small towns you can live in for a while why you get used to working down the road. Or roadside dinners with blue plate specials. :)

*laughs*

How about "Rebuilding the Ability to Trust After Abuse"?

--Ember--