Tremendous...

[in_a_dark_time]

I've noticed a marked lack of activity here, and I sense some of you may be waiting for me to get the ball rolling. As the maintainer of the community, I feel a certain responsibility, as well, to lay it all out there.

So I'm going to try my first official "tremendous season." mindflare and I have been having these through comments at anotherway for quite some

Comments

[frool]

I was born and raised in suburban St. Louis, and I never saw myself as a city girl or a country girl. I moved to a suburb of Chicago for college and I liked that for the most part. After a few years, I transfered to a school in small-town Illinois. I never thought I'd be happy living in such a small community, but the longer I lived there, the better it was. Through a rather rough series of events I ended up having to move back to St. Louis and I find that I miss the country life. My problem is that I can't live in a small town and make a living doing theater. So I'm faced with the dilemma: live where I'm happy or live where I can work.

My solution to the problem of being overwhelmed with a city (like I sort of am now with St. Louis) is finding smaller communities within the larger. It's fairly easy for me to do so since I'm in recovery and those sorts of people tend to clump together.

[in_a_dark_time]

Thank you. It's not often someone sympathizes with where I'm coming from on this issue. Denverites seem to get offended and think I'm insulting their city, when all I've said is, "I'm not cut out for city life."

I'm a former Missourian, as well--I lived in Sedalia and Marshall, in mid-Missouri, until this past August. (Or were you from the Illinois side of STL?)

I'll think more about the smaller communities; that sounds like a possibility. For right now, I still plan to move in December, and I think that will help more than anything.

Thanks for the reply!

Peace.

[frool]

And on the subject of straight girls: It's been my experience that they are bad news. I dated one for a few months and it was rather hellish. We were on and off, depending on how she was dealing with being with a woman.

I also found that distance is quite good at repressing faults. I tend to romantacize things that are unattainable, like far away friends (i.e. my friend who is teaching English in China and will be for the next year).

I'd like to respond more thoroughly, but it's 3am here and I need to hit bed so I can get up and do work in the morning.

[in_a_dark_time]

The weird thing is, I don't think I could date her--she has a preppy side I can't stand, and she's beautiful enough to be intimidating. But why wouldn't it bother me, sitting five feet away from her, night after night, talking about our innermost problems? Why would it bother me when I'm 700 miles away and I'm lucky to get an e-mail twice a week? So weird.

So what was the deal with your straight girl? She was attracted but wanted to still label herself "straight"? Sounds messy!

Peace.

[frool]

This was years ago, the first girl I was involved with. We would be together for a bit, then one of us would have a minor freak out about being with a girl. It went back and forth for 6 months or so. The whole thing got complicated when her mom went into the hospital for a few weeks and she ended up living with us. Eventually, things ended for good and she got together with a boy who was Southern Baptist and found God herself. Then came the letters about how homosexuality is wrong and all that sort of joy. For the next few years she kept developing these crushes on women and telling me all about them, but not labelling them as such. Now she's getting married, and we'll see how that turns out

[in_a_dark_time]

Wow. Thats a messed-up girl. I'd bet her own feelings on the matter are pretty clear in her head, but it's family/religion/male love interests who are getting in the way and/or changing her mind. As human beings, we just love who we love. I don't see why others should get involved in it.

I had to leave Christianity behind, in part due to my beliefs about homosexuality. I just can't live by a book (The Bible) where one half says God loves me and the other half says I'm going to hell. "My" god wouldn't disown me for loving any other human being. I think that's what led me to paganism, that line "All acts of love and pleasure are my rituals." Shouldn't love always make the gods happy, and hatred always make them unhappy?

I think I am looking for something familiar in Jes--she represents home, being at ease, the type of relaxation I haven't felt in two months...a lot of things I both do and do not want to admit.

Thanks for your reply!

Peace.

[in_a_dark_time]

Her "way of getting to" you is probably related to what attracted you to her in the first place. Initial attraction is very strong, and while not always "love at first sight," isn't often given its due. Whatever it was that made you fall for her--it's probably still there.

Wow--can you tell me more about the way you grew up, as it pertains to religion? I envy that. My mother was Baptist, and she didn't take me to church or anything, but that made church the forbidden fruit--and before long, I was over my head. I was fanatically Christian for a couple years.

I liked the way you phrased your morality--that your God wouldn't smite you for doing things with "pure intention." That's a good description. I do wonder why you dislike living by "self-will," though--can you expand on that?

I had the same experience with Ishmael. I remember it was profound, but I don't remember the insights I gained. I understand Takers/Leavers, but that's about it.

I've read neither The Life of Pi nor The Story of B., but they've been recommended to

[frool]

You mentioned "forbidden fruit" in your comment, and I think that's a big part of the power that Joyce has over me. When we were first together, it was a very forbidden thing and it's continued to be forbidden for one reason or another for the last 10 years. That and the fact that she's hot and flirts with me. I'm kind of a sucker for that

Reply: Part 1

[in_a_dark_time]

Yeah, cute flirters are the worst. Our powers are futile against them. :)

Personally, I think it's good to go through many different belief systems. And in the end, like you, it's possible to take what works from each and build something really and truly customized to you.

Will reply to the next chunk of your comment in my next comment...