I wish I could excise that docile and obsequious part of my personality so I can stop betraying myself over and over. Disgusting.

When you get drunk the night before in order to wake up hungover, because at least you'll know why you feel like shit the next day, rather than waking up sober and not knowing why you feel like shit, but you slept through your hangover, so you still wake up sober feeling like shit ( Read more... )

But you have to ask what has gone so wrong when you find yourself breaking down, crying into the kitchen sink.

I'm so tired of feeling sad and alone. I'm so tired of feeling like a burden and an obligation. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm losing my mind. I'm so tired of pretending to be somebody I'm not. I'm so tired of it all.

I just want to sleep ( Read more... )

To my immense relief and disappointment I did not walk into the sea today.

There was one point, my body already angling back towards the horizon, I thought, "There's still time. You could still walk out and end it all." But I didn't.

I have lived on my own for 2 fucking years. I know how to do things. And do them efficiently. Shut the fuck up and stop treating me like I don't know shit. Fuck.

I know it. I just know it. I know it because I feel it carved into my bones. I feel it thrum in the veins and arteries beneath my skin. I feel it coiled at the base of my skull, always ready to raise its head. I feel it ready to crackle from my brain to my toes; ready for the frothed surf to inch its way up until all I see, breathe and taste is ( Read more... )

As unbelievable as it may seem (because I'm the laziest fuck), sometimes I feel like running. Just running until there is nothing. Until I am nothing.

This morning, someone walked past me on the train wearing a scent that was almost, but not quite, yours--a counterfeit. Longing lanced through me. Then it settled, pulsing dully beneath my breast like ( Read more... )

I'm so tired and stressed from having to pretend to be OK! Just fine! No problems at all!

Still being ambushed by urge to cry throughout the day. I'm in so much emotional turmoil I don't know what I'm feeling anymore.

Lately all I could think of to help me cope is to get blind drunk. That or whatever drug can knock me out cold until class the next day.

It hasn't even been two weeks. Time seems to pass so excruciatingly slowly. I can't believe I have another 11 weeks before this semester is over let alone another 3.8 years before I finish this degree. Random bouts of urge to cry. At least I haven't started daydreaming about suicide yet. Counselling session could not come fast enough.

Falling back ( Read more... )