[December 6th] [Discworld/Saiyuki] The Hedgehog Song (PG-13)
Title: The Hedgehog Song
Characters: Sanzo & co., Granny Aunty Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg
Rating: PG-13 for hedgehog-related content and Nanny Ogg
Notes: December 6th: Follow-on to Family Resemblance. Sanzo knew better than to think it couldn't get any worse. But still. ~1000 words. I'm so sorry. This crossover is evil and it won't leave.
Sanzo sat in the back of the jeep, squashed between Gojyo and Goku who both, for once in their lives, had just enough sense to stay quiet. In fact, he'd never seen them sit so still and behave so well in over a year on the road. It would have been more consolation if the back seats weren't so bloody uncomfortable.
And if Mistress Weatherwax wasn't still here. In his damn seat.
He'd thought they might actually get rid of her when she'd first seen Jeep, her look of disapproval had been so spectacular. But that would have required Sanzo to actually have some luck.
In front of him, his… aunt… and Hakkai were sitting with identically ramrod-stiff backs. He was almost, almost glad he couldn't see their expressions, although on balance all it did was remove a warning signal.
"Watch out," the old bag was snapping, pointing at some alleged obstacle or other. Hakkai gave a polite little laugh. Beside Sanzo, Gojyo looked kind of worried, which meant Hakkai was probably about ten minutes from snapping. Gojyo might not be too bright, but he had a kind of animal instinct for some things.
"I think we should stop at the next town," Hakkai said, voice too bright. "It's been a long day and I'm sure we could all use some rest."
Sanzo grunted noncommittally and, without any active argument, Hakkai pulled up at the first opportunity.
A real room - preferably one all to himself - and a stiff drink to enjoy in the privacy of said room, and the world had to seem like a better place. Sanzo had enough of an idea of the gods' sense of humour to avoid thinking that the day couldn't possibly get any worse, but just maybe there was the potential for slight improvement.
Hakuryuu took flight as soon as they were all out, apparently eager to be as far away from Ms Weatherwax's death-glare and persistent backseat driving as possible.
Traitorous little bastard.
What happened next was scheduled to go down as one of the most trying nights of their journey so far, including the ones which had featured youkai ambushes, mobs of farmers, rain, snow, or mud, though possibly excluding the ones featuring excessive numbers of centipedes.
They'd walked into the nearest inn; they'd asked after rooms, and successfully acquired three, although only after his… aunt… had said something to the landlord which he hadn't quite caught but which had sounded far too much like a thinly veiled threat. He'd got to know them well, with Hakkai around.
She looked about eighty. Was he supposed to be related to the geriatric mafia or something? He could more or less believe it. He'd seen what she could do with her hatpin when they'd had a bit of a youkai experience on the road.
It was when they'd gone to eat that it'd got worse.
The hat had been the first warning sign. You didn't just run into two old ladies wearing weird pointy black hats in the course of one day by chance.
Maybe they really were some kind of mafia. Or cult.
Whoever the second black-clad, pointy-hat-wearing woman was, she was waving at their group enthusiastically, a big grin plastered across her face.
Sanzo gritted his teeth and set about ignoring her.
"Cooee," she called, and bustled over. This made ignoring her… more challenging. "You found 'im, then, Esme."
"I did. Are you drunk?"
Old woman #2, who was a bit rosy-cheeked now he actually looked at her instead of trying to stare straight through her, didn't look in the least bit put out by this.
"Not yet, but there's time," she said cheerfully, and then she sat herself down in the nearest available seat and made a fuss until the barkeeper supplied her with alcohol.
"You, Gytha Ogg, are a disgustin' old baggage," Sanzo's aunt sniffed, "and you ain't got a bit of shame."
"That's me."
It was really all downhill from there. Someone was going to pay for this, as soon as he found out who was responsible and why they were doing this to him.
Gojyo was drunk. Gytha "just call me Nanny" Ogg was drunk. Sanzo wasn't, because he was half convinced that if he lost an iota of control in front of this new terrifying old lady he'd wake up in the morning in a dungeon somewhere without his sutra or credit card and possibly without his underwear and he deeply, sincerely never wanted to have to explain a situation like that to any higher powers who might happen to wonder what exactly had gone wrong. Hakkai wasn't drunk either, but Hakkai was Hakkai. It seemed as though he'd been trying.
It also seemed as though he might commit murder if Nanny Ogg moved any closer to Gojyo. She'd been eyeing him with an honestly disturbing enthusiasm all evening.
Sanzo was still trying to decide if this fell under the previously unconsidered heading of "things I wouldn't even wish on Gojyo" or not.
Gojyo didn't even seem to care. Actually, he didn't even seem to notice. Maybe he thought women over forty didn't-
That train of thought had to stop right there.
Across the table, Hakkai gave a polite and meaningful cough. No-one seemed to be paying much attention. Nanny Ogg had probably just finished telling a joke, because she was laughing uproariously. Gojyo was choking on his beer.
"What, never?" Gojyo asked when he was done, drunk enough to fail to notice Hakkai's expression.
It was only a short if somewhat indistinct step from there to the singing. Sanzo couldn't quite remember how it had come about, which was presumably because his brain was already hard at work carrying out damage control. Hopefully in a few days he'd have developed protective amnesia about the whole thing, but every little helped.
He'd left with Goku in tow just as they'd got to the bit about the hedgehog who could never be bothered to do anything whatsoever. Five hours ago he would never have thought he'd be exchanging looks of disapproving solidarity with his aunt, but there it was.
"…or with a giraffe," Gojyo was warbling somewhere behind him, "if you stand on a stool, buuuuuuuut the hedgehog…"
There probably wasn't any point in covering Goku's ears for the chorus by now. The damage was done.
If Hakkai was to be believed the next morning, he should just be glad he hadn't stuck around for long enough to discover what a wizard's staff had on the end.
Characters: Sanzo & co., Granny Aunty Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg
Rating: PG-13 for hedgehog-related content and Nanny Ogg
Notes: December 6th: Follow-on to Family Resemblance. Sanzo knew better than to think it couldn't get any worse. But still. ~1000 words. I'm so sorry. This crossover is evil and it won't leave.
Sanzo sat in the back of the jeep, squashed between Gojyo and Goku who both, for once in their lives, had just enough sense to stay quiet. In fact, he'd never seen them sit so still and behave so well in over a year on the road. It would have been more consolation if the back seats weren't so bloody uncomfortable.
And if Mistress Weatherwax wasn't still here. In his damn seat.
He'd thought they might actually get rid of her when she'd first seen Jeep, her look of disapproval had been so spectacular. But that would have required Sanzo to actually have some luck.
In front of him, his… aunt… and Hakkai were sitting with identically ramrod-stiff backs. He was almost, almost glad he couldn't see their expressions, although on balance all it did was remove a warning signal.
"Watch out," the old bag was snapping, pointing at some alleged obstacle or other. Hakkai gave a polite little laugh. Beside Sanzo, Gojyo looked kind of worried, which meant Hakkai was probably about ten minutes from snapping. Gojyo might not be too bright, but he had a kind of animal instinct for some things.
"I think we should stop at the next town," Hakkai said, voice too bright. "It's been a long day and I'm sure we could all use some rest."
Sanzo grunted noncommittally and, without any active argument, Hakkai pulled up at the first opportunity.
A real room - preferably one all to himself - and a stiff drink to enjoy in the privacy of said room, and the world had to seem like a better place. Sanzo had enough of an idea of the gods' sense of humour to avoid thinking that the day couldn't possibly get any worse, but just maybe there was the potential for slight improvement.
Hakuryuu took flight as soon as they were all out, apparently eager to be as far away from Ms Weatherwax's death-glare and persistent backseat driving as possible.
Traitorous little bastard.
What happened next was scheduled to go down as one of the most trying nights of their journey so far, including the ones which had featured youkai ambushes, mobs of farmers, rain, snow, or mud, though possibly excluding the ones featuring excessive numbers of centipedes.
They'd walked into the nearest inn; they'd asked after rooms, and successfully acquired three, although only after his… aunt… had said something to the landlord which he hadn't quite caught but which had sounded far too much like a thinly veiled threat. He'd got to know them well, with Hakkai around.
She looked about eighty. Was he supposed to be related to the geriatric mafia or something? He could more or less believe it. He'd seen what she could do with her hatpin when they'd had a bit of a youkai experience on the road.
It was when they'd gone to eat that it'd got worse.
The hat had been the first warning sign. You didn't just run into two old ladies wearing weird pointy black hats in the course of one day by chance.
Maybe they really were some kind of mafia. Or cult.
Whoever the second black-clad, pointy-hat-wearing woman was, she was waving at their group enthusiastically, a big grin plastered across her face.
Sanzo gritted his teeth and set about ignoring her.
"Cooee," she called, and bustled over. This made ignoring her… more challenging. "You found 'im, then, Esme."
"I did. Are you drunk?"
Old woman #2, who was a bit rosy-cheeked now he actually looked at her instead of trying to stare straight through her, didn't look in the least bit put out by this.
"Not yet, but there's time," she said cheerfully, and then she sat herself down in the nearest available seat and made a fuss until the barkeeper supplied her with alcohol.
"You, Gytha Ogg, are a disgustin' old baggage," Sanzo's aunt sniffed, "and you ain't got a bit of shame."
"That's me."
It was really all downhill from there. Someone was going to pay for this, as soon as he found out who was responsible and why they were doing this to him.
Gojyo was drunk. Gytha "just call me Nanny" Ogg was drunk. Sanzo wasn't, because he was half convinced that if he lost an iota of control in front of this new terrifying old lady he'd wake up in the morning in a dungeon somewhere without his sutra or credit card and possibly without his underwear and he deeply, sincerely never wanted to have to explain a situation like that to any higher powers who might happen to wonder what exactly had gone wrong. Hakkai wasn't drunk either, but Hakkai was Hakkai. It seemed as though he'd been trying.
It also seemed as though he might commit murder if Nanny Ogg moved any closer to Gojyo. She'd been eyeing him with an honestly disturbing enthusiasm all evening.
Sanzo was still trying to decide if this fell under the previously unconsidered heading of "things I wouldn't even wish on Gojyo" or not.
Gojyo didn't even seem to care. Actually, he didn't even seem to notice. Maybe he thought women over forty didn't-
That train of thought had to stop right there.
Across the table, Hakkai gave a polite and meaningful cough. No-one seemed to be paying much attention. Nanny Ogg had probably just finished telling a joke, because she was laughing uproariously. Gojyo was choking on his beer.
"What, never?" Gojyo asked when he was done, drunk enough to fail to notice Hakkai's expression.
It was only a short if somewhat indistinct step from there to the singing. Sanzo couldn't quite remember how it had come about, which was presumably because his brain was already hard at work carrying out damage control. Hopefully in a few days he'd have developed protective amnesia about the whole thing, but every little helped.
He'd left with Goku in tow just as they'd got to the bit about the hedgehog who could never be bothered to do anything whatsoever. Five hours ago he would never have thought he'd be exchanging looks of disapproving solidarity with his aunt, but there it was.
"…or with a giraffe," Gojyo was warbling somewhere behind him, "if you stand on a stool, buuuuuuuut the hedgehog…"
There probably wasn't any point in covering Goku's ears for the chorus by now. The damage was done.
If Hakkai was to be believed the next morning, he should just be glad he hadn't stuck around for long enough to discover what a wizard's staff had on the end.