So, here I am scouring the internet with my phone looking for a way to alleviate the emptiness inside. I wish there was a little, temporary suicide, because I want to die right now, but not permanently.

But I'm screwed.

All I can really do is wait for others to bolster me. And wait for a time when I don't need to depend on others.

Could I have saved her? If anyone could have, it was me who could.

And so, perhaps recognizing how I failed her, I have set out to learn how to be better. How to give more. How to be more.

I'm a full-time student, literally and figuratively ( Read more... )

She's gone. As most of the country was enjoying fireworks displays, I was holding her hand in the ICU after her breathing tube was removed, feeling her heart slow and stop ( Read more... )

Earth and stone is carved by the transmission of water across distances. As I get older, my face seems to be carved, like a river bed- lines deepening across either side of my mouth. What is being transmitted ( Read more... )

Almost 13 years now, LJ ( Read more... )

Jacob was born Wednesday morning. It was a very uncomfortable surgery, and seemed therefore to last forever even though I know they're actually very quick procedures. The little guy weighed in at an underwhelming 7lbs 6oz- the lightest of my babies that went to term even though I carried him the longest of the five. He is actually quite small with ( Read more... )

Changed the kids' bedding, washed it and some towels. Folding included. Doesn't sound so ambitious, but was all my reserves. Run down and the kids seem wiped out too- which has me worried maybe we're coming down with another germ. A few hours away from the weekend proper when Scott gets home which is encouraging but I fear I'm only going to decline ( Read more... )

Last night I had a strange and vivid dream in which a somewhat younger Frank Langella look-alike was plowing through some flowers in his front garden with a weed eater, presumably because his wife had left him on unhappy terms, and they were planted by her and her favorites. In the dream, the flowers appeared to be a large, soft pink tulip ( Read more... )

I am rapidly becoming a fan of Ed Anger. He's a conservative columnist, but different than most. Imagine you crossed Rush Limbaugh with Maxine and that's pretty much what Ed Anger is.

...we looked out onto the Rose Garden one last time, before the new guy starts using it to grow marijuana for his unicorn.

I've been on blood pressure medicine for several months now and it has been taking its toll. Recently I did a thorough search of the drug I'm taking online and found that it is probably responsible for a lot of the ailments I suffer during pregnancy that I always thought was the pregnancy. This was a real eye-opener, though I find myself ( Read more... )