To Feel Safe Again, 1/3. NC-17
Well, my baby's an eater and a sleeper, so I can possibly post during his naps, yay! It just takes me so much longer, and I don't know if I can keep to a reliable day or time. But once a week at some point in the week seems to be doable. :)
Title: To Feel Safe Again
Series: #9 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Natasha reluctantly agreed to let Loki tag along to Austria as an invisible bodyguard. What happened next was something neither of them bargained for.
One - Playing A Role
Hair dyed jet black, Natasha assumed the identity of Masha Schimmel, a middle management executive in the bioenergy field. There were conferences being held in Austria on the topic, and one such conference was being held at the very hotel where Emilia Schleiss lived. She worked in real estate and was a fair hand with electronics and records work, which she often did for her aunt Maia Schleiss. Emilia was also romantically involved with Ophelia Sarkissian, though it wasn't very clear if she was privy to Hydra secrets or merely being used as a pawn by her aunt and girlfriend. Emilia and Ophelia had an on-again, off-again kind of relationship as far as any of the SHIELD agents in the field office were able to gather for Natasha, but no one was able to tell for certain how much Emilia might know. They hadn't wanted to tip their hand to Hydra agents too soon, as they were already on alert. Natasha knew that she couldn't tap any informants she used to lean on; they were far lower down the food chain, and she didn't want to cause any panic in their ranks.
So Masha Schimmel was going to be her way to get close to Emilia.
Loki cursed the agreement that had him silently following Natasha as an invisible shadow. With her dark hair, he had to stay closer to her than she might have liked, but if he hung too far back she almost seemed to disappear into the crowd at the bar. She bumped into a few figures, but smiled widely at the blonde woman with the tight blouse and loose slacks. That would be the target, then. Natasha ducked her head to talk with the woman directly, sliding into the seat next to her at the bar. He couldn't get too close, not without someone realizing there was an invisible man amongst the crowd. A faster number on the dance floor loosened the crowd around the bar, and he was able to approach. He saw Natasha place a hand on the woman's thigh, her body leaning in close in a flirtatious posture. The woman seemed receptive, and Loki managed to keep himself from screaming at the sight.
"I don't know," she was saying, voice soft and hesitant. Loki remembered her name was Emilia, and this was just a way to get closer to Ophelia Sarkissian. He had promised Natasha that he wouldn't interfere with her tactics, but part of him wanted to simply control the woman's mind and get whatever information he wanted from her mind. That had to be easier.
"I have a room upstairs," Natasha offered. "If you change your mind, you could just head back down. I promise, it's not some weird abduction thing like in the movies." She gave Emilia a charming smile. "I mean, if anything, I should be the nervous one. I'm inviting you up to my room, after all. I only just met you."
Weighing her options, the woman pondered that. "Or we can go up to my room."
That was what Natasha would have preferred, and she leapt at the chance. "Fantastic."
Once out of the bar, Loki had an easier time keeping track of Natasha and Emilia, as there were fewer bodies in the way. The tie between him and Natasha felt stronger out in the open, and he could follow it more easily.
Emilia had a large room with a balcony overlooking the city. Once in her room, her earlier bravado seemed to fade. "Look. Um. I don't really do that kind of thing, um..."
"Masha," Natasha told her helpfully. "It's okay. Really. I'm not looking for a relationship. I told you, I'm just here for the conference, then I'm heading back home in two days. I just..." Her lips twisted in an almost embarrassed smile. "I guess I'm using you?"
That made Emilia blink in surprise. "What?"
"Um. Yeah, well," Natasha began, feigning embarrassment very well. She dropped her purse on the side table and nodded toward the glasses. "Water?" Emilia shrugged, not really caring about it, and she didn't pay attention as Natasha slipped powder into it from her ring. The powder dissolved instantly into the bottled water Natasha poured into the glass, so Emilia didn't suspect a thing when she took the glass that Natasha gave her. Natasha took a sip of her water, affecting nerves, and Emilia mirrored the move.
"Okay. Well. I had a bad breakup," Natasha said in a rush, as if admitting a horrible secret. "She hit me, threw me across the room, said I was horrible in bed, the whole drama fit for an awful, awful movie. I just... You're hot, you know. And if I could get you screaming, it would prove she's a liar. I mean, I know it, but..."
Emilia drank the rest of her water and put the glass aside on the nightstand. "Oh." She blinked up at Natasha's awkward expression. "I've had a breakup, too. Just yesterday, as a matter of fact. We had the most awful row. It's why I even listened to you and suggested coming up here. My ex... Sometimes I don't think she likes me very much. She doesn't take me anywhere, won't tell me where she's going..." She gave a half hearted shrug. "She keeps so many secrets from me, like I'm a silly child. But I keep going back, like I can't get any better. You know, no one's even hit on me in years."
Natasha approached, a little hesitant but still with self assurance in her step. "So maybe, we can use each other." She reached out and touched Emilia's arm. "Because I'm looking for just tonight, that's it. I make you come a dozen times, I'm not an awful lover. And me wanting you this much, that bitch ex of yours is as big a liar as mine is."
"Y-you do?" Emilia gulped, suddenly looking very young.
Loki turned away, hands fisting at his sides in frustration. He knew this was an act. He knew that, knew that this was simply a means to an end, a quiet way to slip in under Hydra's radar using their weaknesses against them. Yet it was still painful to watch, to see the yearning on Emilia's face and know he saw it in the mirror all the time.
Instead of answering with words, Natasha grasped Emilia and kissed her lustily, tongue sliding into the other woman's mouth when her lips parted in a gasp. "God, you have no idea. You're so hot, I want to taste you so badly. I want to feel you, want to hear you."
Emilia offered no resistance as Natasha helped her strip off all her clothing, even the delicate looking trouser socks. Natasha playfully kissed her instep before rising to kiss Emilia on the mouth again, one hand winding through her thick blonde locks to hold her in place. Her other hand stroked Emilia's breast, her skin as pale as Loki's skin and with a nipple light pink like a rosebud. Emilia pulled at Natasha's skimpy top. She pulled back from the kiss so Natasha could toss the shirt up over her head and into a distant corner, exposing the lacy balconette bra over her short pencil skirt and stockings. "You're beautiful, too," Emilia offered shyly.
Natasha mirrored her smile, then moved down to take one of Emilia's breasts into her mouth to lick and suckle. Emilia gasped and looped her fingers through Natasha's darkened locks, holding her in place as she set to work. Emilia moaned in pleasure, head thrown back as Natasha stroked her bared breast. "Masha," she whimpered. "I'm so sensitive there..."
With an amused hum, Natasha kept licking and suckling, then switched breasts. Emilia writhed and twisted, one hand still at the back of Natasha's head and the other on her shoulder, fingers twitching. When she arched a little too much, their balance shifted and they toppled onto the bed. Emilia squeaked at the indignity of it, Natasha simply laughed. "Perfect," she declared in a sultry tone. Before Emilia could ask what she meant, Natasha buried her face between Emilia's breasts and started kissing her way down to the juncture of her thighs, urging her to part her legs. Of course Emilia did that without question, legs falling away to reveal her glistening center. There was the heady scent of arousal, and Natasha dived in to lick and suck at her with reckless abandon, making Emilia cry out.
Loki circled the pair at the edge of the bed, watching Natasha at work, fingers of one hand sliding through Emilia's folds. Her other hand was splayed across Emilia's stomach, holding her steady when she bucked her hips too much. Emilia pulled at the sheets and fondled one of her own breasts, noisy in her appreciation of Natasha's efforts. Loki felt distant somehow watching this; while it normally would be arousing, he felt only pain in the center of his chest. Normally he would wonder if Natasha would appreciate him adding a little magic to Emilia's body, or if she would want him to touch her. Instead, he hung back and watched her bring Emilia to boisterous climax, not even pausing when she came. She kept going, scissoring and twisting her fingers, sucking on the clit and making Emilia cry out to a god that wasn't Loki.
"Let me see you," Emilia gasped after the third orgasm, reaching down for Natasha. "Masha, please, I want to touch you, too."
Natasha stopped licking into Emilia and stood from her kneeling position. Without fanfare, she unzipped and stepped out of her skirt, kicking it aside. Off went the shoes, and she unhooked her bra. There was a run in one thigh high stocking now, and her lacy thong was easily removed. At Emilia's beckoning gesture, she approached and let her kiss her on the mouth. She ran her fingers along Emilia's body as the blonde caressed her. Loki could see that Natasha hadn't dyed her pubic hair as well as her hair and eyebrows. Instead, she had waxed everything off. "God, that's hot," Emilia said against her mouth, giggling when she felt Natasha's smooth mons under her fingertips. "I should try that."
"Feels good," Natasha purred, giving her breast a light pinch. "I like how it feels." She gave Emilia a gentle shove. "But for right now, I didn't make you come enough."
Emilia laughed and smothered a yawn, her shoulders dropping slightly. Ah, there was the effect of the sedative finally kicking in. Why hadn't it worked sooner? She tried to caress Natasha when she laid sideways across the bed, but she yawned again and missed Natasha's hip. Natasha knelt beside Emilia's splayed body, fingering her and stroking a breast until the woman passed out.
Once it was clear that Emilia was under the full effect of the drug, Natasha left the bed to wash her hands. She didn't bother to dress, but immediately started rifling through her belongings. "It took her long enough," Loki muttered, not quite materializing beside Natasha.
"It's not immediate," she answered distantly, brows furrowed in concentration as she deftly worked a tracking device and transceiver into Emilia's smartphone.
Loki looked at her, the pain in his chest a yawning chasm. "Does that really not matter to you? It isn't as intimate an act as I was led to believe?"
She looked up briefly, lofting an eyebrow at him. "What are we talking about?"
He shook his head. "Never mind. Continue. Our time here should be short."
"I should stay until morning, at least. Otherwise, she might get suspicious about not fucking me back." Her tone was matter-of-fact, businesslike, and Loki turned away from her. "You don't have to stay here if you have other places to be," she said, looking back at what she was doing, replacing the inner workings of the phone and turning it back on. "She's not going to try to kill me in my sleep or otherwise harm me."
"I promised you," Loki murmured, hating himself even as he said the words.
After replacing the phone where she found it, Natasha looked at him with a critical eye. "It bores you. You've told me that before. This isn't a very glamorous job, you know."
He firmed his jaw as he shrugged, determined that she wouldn't see how perturbed he really felt, or guess at the chasm in his chest. She had to think him invincible, inviolate. Amora hadn't harmed him too badly. He wasn't broken, not at all.
She rifled through the rest of Emilia's belongings, finding a small tablet computer. It was easy enough for Natasha to hack into it and install specialized tracking software that Emilia or any of Ophelia's goons wouldn't be able to detect, and once it was powered down, Natasha took the machine apart to place another transceiver into its inner workings. Loki knew he should be impressed with her capabilities, that information to and from Ophelia Sarkissian would be intercepted, especially if the pair was in an on-again phase. Still, it rankled somehow, seeing her move in this efficient, spare way. This was her job. This meant nothing to her on a personal level. This was only her job.
And he had been a job to her once upon a time.
It couldn't have taken Natasha more than an hour to finish going through and altering Emilia's belongings. Loki felt more and more agitated, and her calm exterior no longer was pleasing. It reminded him too much that she was a spy, a professional liar and killer in the service of other professional liars and killers. She promised to kill him if he lost control, and she meant it. She wouldn't even think twice.
Why did this hurt so much? Why did this matter too much?
"She'll be out for another few hours," Natasha told him, heading to the bathroom to rinse off her face and gargle a bit. Normally her fluid movements and naked body would keep him enthralled, but now he simply turned away. "If you're that concerned, you can watch over us. I can take the opportunity to sleep."
She hadn't slept on the plane ride over. She had instead memorized every scrap of information SHIELD agents had dredged up on Emilia, Ophelia Sarkissian and Maia Schleiss. The cover identity had already been planted and memorized. By the time they had arrived in Austria, Natasha was wearing Masha's personality over her own. It had been disconcerting to see; perhaps that was when the gaping hole in his chest had started to form.
Loki remained invisible, watching over the two women as they slept. Natasha woke when the drugged sleep seemed to fade and Emilia stirred, groggily groaning and rolling over on the bed. She startled when she rolled onto Natasha's sprawled body. "Wow. You really weren't a dream," she blurted, making Natasha laugh.
"I'm definitely taking that as a compliment," Natasha said with a giggle, sounding pleased. Loki knew better, but she really did seem to be an innocent in that moment.
Emilia staggered to the bathroom to wash up a bit, and Natasha stretched, then moved to sit at the edge of the bed. Loki allowed himself a moment to admire the play of light over her naked limbs, but abruptly moved out of the way when Emilia returned from the bathroom. "I'm glad you stayed. I would've thought I was crazy if you'd just disappeared. I can't believe I just fell asleep like that."
Natasha laughed, a light, tinkling sound he had never heard her make before. "I might've thought about it downstairs, but there was no way I could leave when you were done with me. I was too damn exhausted."
Preening a little, Emilia leaned in to kiss Natasha. "One more time before you go. I insist."
This time, Emilia was the one to kneel and nudge Natasha's legs apart. She mouthed Natasha's bare sex, then licked and nuzzled. She grew bolder over time, fingers brushing across the skin of Natasha's thighs. Natasha threw her head back, sighing and moaning, fingers of one hand tangling in Emilia's messy hair. It was a picture of wanton lust and desire, one that Loki didn't want to see anymore.
He was only too eager to leave the room when the women parted ways, tension roiling beneath his skin. There was no way to explain it, and he didn't even bother to try. This didn't matter to Natasha, he told himself. That was just a cover identity. It wasn't important to her. She didn't even try to pretend that she cared about Emilia.
Loki supposed he could ask to join Natasha when she immediately stripped out of her clothes to take a shower. He could imagine it was to scrub off Emilia's touch. Just as easily, however, he could imagine her sliding her fingers between her legs beneath the shower spray, thinking of Emilia's tongue as she brought herself to orgasm.
Managing not to act like a surly mess, Loki paced the hotel room. He had no claim on her, he reminded himself. They had the confines of their deal, but no more. She had made it clear what she thought of him, and he had known that. Natasha was not gentle, not tender, not kind. She wasn't given to emotion. She was tightly controlled and didn't unravel even when he had thought he had her beaten and cowed. She did not break. She could not break.
But she had nearly sacrificed herself in that cavern, Amora's acidic venom eating away at her flesh to give him a moment's peace. She hadn't left him to die when she easily could have. He knew that there had to be something more between them than her callous treatment of him, his depredations and this damned deal. There was that tie between them, something that was and was not magical in nature.
Natasha stepped out of the bathroom after toweling herself off, leaving the sodden material on the floor. She walked around the room, casual in her nudity, pulling on clothes that Masha would wear to this conference. He wanted to ask why she would continue with this farce, but he knew she would follow through with it. The Masha persona would be real until this aspect of the job was over, and then she would follow the leads that her tracers would give her. Natasha was nothing if not thorough.
"Still playing my invisible shadow?" she asked, unerringly looking in his direction. Loki wanted to shout at her, wanted to rush forward and shake her until she felt something for him in return, even if it was loathing. Indifference was worse than hate. He could tolerate hate, could make himself believe it was what he really wanted.
"I promised you," he said in a low tone, clinging to that one phrase like a lifeline.
She nodded sharply and turned back to getting her clothes together. He could admire the smooth lines of her body, the curves and the hidden strength in her limbs. He could remember what it had felt like to have her touch on him. He could crave more of it, but that didn't mean that anything would come of that right now.
The conference itself was fairly boring, and Natasha blended in with other midlevel management drones absorbing information on pellet fuels and new bioenergies that were being developed in different EU countries. Loki froze when he saw Emilia searching the halls as the ballrooms were emptying; had she discovered the tracers or found out that Natasha was a fraud?
It turned out to be neither. "Masha!" she called, moving through the crowd. "Are you free to have lunch with me?"
Natasha lofted an eyebrow. "I thought it was just a one time thing."
Emilia flushed, nearly becoming as red as her silk blouse. "No, no, nothing like that. It's just... I don't have anyone else living here that I know but my aunt, and she works with my ex... It's awkward eating lunch alone."
She gave Emilia a soft smile. "I understand. I have plans, but nothing I can't break." Sort of a lie; Loki hadn't planned to actually eat lunch today.
They sat at a restaurant near the hotel, and Natasha played up the innocent angle. "I didn't know you were attending the conference, too. I wasn't looking for you, though. Sorry."
"No, no, it's nothing like that. I'm in commercial real estate, buying and selling larger properties for corporations. I just like this hotel to stay in when I'm in the area. Otherwise, I travel a lot," Emilia explained. "So I don't know too many people here."
Natasha paused almost dramatically. "You still love her, don't you? Your ex?"
Emilia froze slightly, fork almost comically poised on the way to her mouth. "Um." She put her fork down. "I shouldn't."
"But you do." Natasha gave her a sad smile. "It's okay. We only met last night, it's not going to hurt my feelings."
Emilia blushed prettily. "It's still rude to talk about her like that. But yeah, I do still Phe a lot."
"Phe?" Natasha echoed. "Like Fiona?"
"Ophelia," Emilia corrected. "She's part of a big think tank that does biomedical research."
Natasha reached over and closed her hand over Emilia's wrist. "Why don't you just give her a call, then? See what can be done? Maybe you two can get back together. If it's a real thing, a stupid argument won't change that."
"You don't think I look desperate, then?" Emilia asked, sounding almost wistful.
"Hey, people say all kinds of stupid things when they're angry. Why not give it a try? What have you got to lose? If it's not meant to be, you'll find someone else that knows how to treat you right." Natasha gave her a negligent shrug.
Emilia actually had her cell phone in hand before she stopped and looked at Natasha in embarrassment. "Okay. Maybe I have serious issues with Phe. But I do love her."
Natasha laughed, a light an airy sound that had Loki closing his eyes to savor it. "Hey, it's okay. Really. Last night was fun, but I'm not going to stop you from getting back together with her if that's what you want."
The blonde looked relieved and nodded. "I'll at least wait until we're done with lunch," she decided, putting the phone on the table.
Chuckling, Natasha nodded. "Good. Just because I'm not looking for more than a one night stand doesn't mean it's not rude." She stuck out her tongue for good measure, making Emilia laugh. The rest of the lunch progressed uneventfully, and Natasha gave Emilia a hug and wished her good luck.
Loki remained silent until they were nearly back at the hotel. "You so casually fucked her last night and now shoved her back at Ophelia Sarkissian to further your agenda. Does she matter so little to you?"
"She doesn't matter at all."
It was a statement that disturbed him, though he couldn't have said why that was so.
"She's not harmed by it, whatever you may think," Natasha continued, taking his silence for the discomfort that it was. "She had a good time last night, and it's a boost to her ego. Then she gets to hear that getting back together with an emotionally distant girlfriend-the thing she wants to do anyway-isn't necessarily a crazy idea. It's what she wanted to hear, and gives her the least amount of pain. Ophelia has to care about her on some level, since she really isn't involved in any of Hydra's plots. Ophelia is passionate about Hydra's goals, and moves everything out of her way to get them accomplished. Yet she takes time out of those plans to see Emilia and protect her from the world she lives in."
Perhaps Natasha wasn't as cruel as she wanted Loki to believe her to be.
"Did you really think I hurt everyone I came into contact with?"
Loki stopped walking beside her. After a few steps, Natasha stopped as well. She paused, pretending to look in a storefront window, waiting for Loki to come to her. After a moment he did, sulking. "You have a callous side," he said finally. "And you do not care for her."
"No, I don't," Natasha replied, barely moving her lips. She turned toward the hotel and resumed her walk. "I don't hate her, either. She's a means to an end. There's no point to hurting her, no point in destroying her entire worldview."
"Your manner of kindness."
"Isn't it?" she asked, eyebrow arched in his general direction.
It hurt to hear, and he didn't want it to hurt anymore. Did she only propose their deal because it was her manner of kindness? Did she do it to ensure he wouldn't kill her? Ah, but this was cruel to even contemplate. Perhaps she would be kinder to him if he was female. If he was a woman the way Emilia was, would she be softer with him? Would she actually grow to care for him, find a way to bond with him?
Natasha took her immersion into her roles seriously, that he knew. Loki hung back as she stayed in character as Masha, listening to speakers and taking dutiful notes for a company that didn't exist and never would. She didn't even try to load her SHIELD communication devices, didn't try to track Emilia's communication with Ophelia. Someone else would monitor that feed, just as someone else would track her computer. Natasha would go through the collected data later, and from there draw her conclusions and figure out where to move next.
He was unnecessary. He really didn't have to come with her to Austria. This wasn't quite the dangerous mission he had been expecting it to be. The debacle in Andorra wasn't the usual way her jobs ended up.
Then Loki remembered that he had been a job as well. He had been the target for her to understand, manipulate and maneuver. He had outmaneuvered her, had her bested and on her knees, spewing forth emotions that likely no one else had ever seen. She had trusted him, and he had broken that trust so violently and thoroughly. She would never trust him like that again, and he knew it was all his own doing. There was no one else to blame in that, and whatever grand plans he might have about her defection from SHIELD had that insurmountable barrier to contend with. Loki owed her a debt; he had a ledger now, he knew this to be true, and knew that her stress on choices was a way to allow him to repay that debt. The problem was, he didn't want to repay that debt. He didn't want to have the entire world think he was a good man. He didn't want others thinking well of him. He wanted them afraid of him, to believe him powerful and resourceful. They had to be on edge, perpetually on guard, sure that the power he held was immense and held back only by his magnanimity. The only thing he wanted was Natasha, body and soul, and he didn't think he could have that.
Brooding in the back of the ballroom was unbecoming, but there was no one to see him do it. Even Natasha couldn't tell what he was feeling. All she knew was his general location, and she could only guess at his emotional state by his words and body language. Without it, she was as blind as everyone else.
But if he was different, somehow. If he was softer, kinder, someone she could approach. If he was someone other than Loki Odinson. Or Laufeyson, he didn't know what patronymic he was supposed to use anymore. It bothered him more than he wanted to admit. He was Loki of Asgard; Jotunheim was no home to him, though the cold gave him no discomfort. Asgard was the place he thought of as home, Frigga as his mother. But he was lost to that place, barred from reentry. Odin thought himself a father, but issued commands from high and did not understand what happened to others in the face of his decrees. Nor did he care to. To understand would mean that he had to act, and his will had to remain absolute. Others would have to do his bidding, and he could not appear weak.
Without even realizing what he was doing at first, Loki started weaving spells throughout his body in order to change its shape. He grit his teeth and bore down on the pain of it; he hadn't done it this way when he appeared to be Agent Laura Arbitell for the Warriors Three. That had been superficial changes and glamour, nothing to the extent of what he was doing now. It was more than physical shape that had to be rearranged. Natasha would see through it otherwise, and it had to be a total transformation. She would never accept it if it wasn't complete. She wouldn't treat him differently if any trace of Loki was left behind.
Natasha felt the presence and use of his magic. She turned around, unobtrusively to the others, but stared right at him. When the pulse of magic didn't fade, she headed to the back of the room as if heading to one of the tables with water glasses for a drink. He didn't even try to sidestep her, didn't avoid the brush of her gaze. "What are you doing?" she hissed under her breath.
"Nothing important," he returned, sounding confident. His voice would be the last thing to change, of that he would make sure. She couldn't guess this, not until it was complete. Then she would see the lengths to which he would go for her. Then she would understand. She didn't like the promise to raze Helheim, and he understood why that was. But this, this didn't involve death or destruction. This would be proof of his concern.
And maybe she would understand why he did it, when even he didn't know.
"Loki, don't do anything stupid."
"Why would I do something like that?"
She shot him a death glare. "Let me catch Sarkissian my way. Don't draw her out with magic. I won't be able to lock her away otherwise."
Relief flooded through him; she thought he was helping her cause with his craft, not that he was doing something damaging. She didn't think that badly of him.
Of course, he didn't stop to think of why that might matter to him. Or why it shouldn't have.
"I won't draw her out with magic. It's just deadly dull here."
Her expression softened. "Go on up to the room, then. I'll probably be here another hour or two."
Loki retreated immediately, only a whisper of touch from his fingertips to her lips to mark his passing. His body wouldn't have changed yet, so she should have felt the same imprint upon her skin. Of that he was confident.
Ensconced in her hotel room, Loki fell upon the bed and began to apply spells in earnest. While his armor and leathers were enchanted to be form fitting, it soon felt too confining, too encumbering. He shed the offending armor pieces and then his clothing, almost laughing at the sudden appearance of each item to the naked eye. The invisibility spells still held on his form, so he couldn't see what he looked like as his body changed. He could feel it, the contractions of muscle and twisting of skin, the warping of internal organs to match the newly chosen sex. The change burned through him, fierce as Amora's venom had been but sweeter somehow. Perhaps because he had chosen this fire, willingly submitted to it in a way he never would have if Amora had asked him to. He had endured its pain for Natasha's sake, and he would gladly do so a thousand times over if it would keep her safe.
He burned, but this was a good ache. A cleansing ache. Everything could start over now, and he wouldn't have to be a callous monster.
Partway through the transformation he fell asleep. The invisibility spells didn't hold, but that didn't matter to Loki during the brief wakings before Natasha returned. No one else knew of Loki's presence, only her. There was no need for invisibility spells.
He looked in the full length mirror to examine his new form. He was as tall as he had been before, and as pale and dark haired. His limbs were still slender, but the angles in his limbs were softer now. The angles in his face were gone, and his facial features appeared youthful and almost sweet, not as Laura had looked. His breasts were high and full, rather like Emilia's were, and his stomach was rather flat, just the smallest rounded curve that hinted at a fertile body. His hips were flared wide, and the coarse hair between his thighs covered a slit and not a cock. His fingers and toes curled as he perused his reflection, and he watched his reflection as he touched himself everywhere, exploring this body.
Pleased, Loki gathered up the sheet from the bed and wrapped it loosely around the lush body as he waited for Natasha, almost gleeful with anticipation.
When she did return, her eyes grew wide and she tensed as if to strike. Loki stood, the single sheet wrapped around his body falling away to reveal his new form, naked and fresh from the transformation. "I'm Loki," he said, but his voice was different. It wasn't harsh and mocking the way Laura's had been. This time, it was more melodious, more feminine. Hopefully it would be more appealing to her.
"Loki, what have you done?" Natasha asked, voice carefully measured.
Without inflection, he had no idea how she thought anymore. She had no idea what Natasha thought anymore; the transformation was too new, Loki still thought of herself as a he, though now this body was unmistakably female.
"Is this not better?" she asked, voice soft and melodious. "Is this not easier?"
"Easier for what?"
"To start anew." She reached out for her, and thankfully Natasha didn't back away or look on in disgust or horror. She would have wailed and broken something if Natasha had done such a thing. Loki didn't know how to feel otherwise.
"Why would we need to do that?" Natasha asked in that same careful voice. Loki was starting to hate it. "We can't forget the past. You know that."
"Wouldn't you like me better this way?" Loki asked, hoping that Natasha couldn't hear the desperation in her voice. New voice, new body, new mannerisms. Right?
Natasha stayed still while Loki touched her shoulder gently. "What brought this on, Loki?"
"Is this not easier? The past forgotten, no constant reminder of all that passed before."
Loki couldn't breathe when Natasha pressed on the patch of slightly discolored skin just on the rise of her left breast. It was the same patch of discolored skin that marked where Amora's venom had hit him. There was no other obvious disfigurement, but Loki felt like it was a brand of some kind. She trembled despite her intention not to, and she nearly cried out, feeling the ghostly burn of the venom on her flesh.
"Can you really forget?" Natasha asked softly, infinitely gently.
To her infinite shame, Loki's vision swam. Her eyes were shining bright, and she wanted to bawl in Natasha's arms. "I want to," she whispered.
"Is this because of Emilia?"
Yes. No. Of course not. Of course. It had nothing and everything to do with her.
"Loki. Look at me."
She had to respond to Natasha's commanding voice. She had to obey, had to submit. There was no pain if she did that, if she did what Natasha wanted her to do, if she pleased her... the awful, gaping hole in her chest would go away. There would be no pain, only release. Natasha could make it all better, if only for a little while. She didn't have to be a horrible, monstrous creature all the time. For a little while, she could know peace.
Natasha grasped Loki's face in her hands, and she could feel herself tremble under Natasha's piercing gaze. You shouldn't have come here, Natasha would say. You don't belong here. It was a mistake to bring you. I don't need you, she would say. It would hurt terribly, it would tear her apart. And she would endure it if she had to, because it was what Natasha wanted her to bear.
But she said none of those things. "Get me something to tie you down with."
Loki was only too happy to comply.
***
***
To Chapter Two - Diving Deep
Title: To Feel Safe Again
Series: #9 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Natasha reluctantly agreed to let Loki tag along to Austria as an invisible bodyguard. What happened next was something neither of them bargained for.
One - Playing A Role
Hair dyed jet black, Natasha assumed the identity of Masha Schimmel, a middle management executive in the bioenergy field. There were conferences being held in Austria on the topic, and one such conference was being held at the very hotel where Emilia Schleiss lived. She worked in real estate and was a fair hand with electronics and records work, which she often did for her aunt Maia Schleiss. Emilia was also romantically involved with Ophelia Sarkissian, though it wasn't very clear if she was privy to Hydra secrets or merely being used as a pawn by her aunt and girlfriend. Emilia and Ophelia had an on-again, off-again kind of relationship as far as any of the SHIELD agents in the field office were able to gather for Natasha, but no one was able to tell for certain how much Emilia might know. They hadn't wanted to tip their hand to Hydra agents too soon, as they were already on alert. Natasha knew that she couldn't tap any informants she used to lean on; they were far lower down the food chain, and she didn't want to cause any panic in their ranks.
So Masha Schimmel was going to be her way to get close to Emilia.
Loki cursed the agreement that had him silently following Natasha as an invisible shadow. With her dark hair, he had to stay closer to her than she might have liked, but if he hung too far back she almost seemed to disappear into the crowd at the bar. She bumped into a few figures, but smiled widely at the blonde woman with the tight blouse and loose slacks. That would be the target, then. Natasha ducked her head to talk with the woman directly, sliding into the seat next to her at the bar. He couldn't get too close, not without someone realizing there was an invisible man amongst the crowd. A faster number on the dance floor loosened the crowd around the bar, and he was able to approach. He saw Natasha place a hand on the woman's thigh, her body leaning in close in a flirtatious posture. The woman seemed receptive, and Loki managed to keep himself from screaming at the sight.
"I don't know," she was saying, voice soft and hesitant. Loki remembered her name was Emilia, and this was just a way to get closer to Ophelia Sarkissian. He had promised Natasha that he wouldn't interfere with her tactics, but part of him wanted to simply control the woman's mind and get whatever information he wanted from her mind. That had to be easier.
"I have a room upstairs," Natasha offered. "If you change your mind, you could just head back down. I promise, it's not some weird abduction thing like in the movies." She gave Emilia a charming smile. "I mean, if anything, I should be the nervous one. I'm inviting you up to my room, after all. I only just met you."
Weighing her options, the woman pondered that. "Or we can go up to my room."
That was what Natasha would have preferred, and she leapt at the chance. "Fantastic."
Once out of the bar, Loki had an easier time keeping track of Natasha and Emilia, as there were fewer bodies in the way. The tie between him and Natasha felt stronger out in the open, and he could follow it more easily.
Emilia had a large room with a balcony overlooking the city. Once in her room, her earlier bravado seemed to fade. "Look. Um. I don't really do that kind of thing, um..."
"Masha," Natasha told her helpfully. "It's okay. Really. I'm not looking for a relationship. I told you, I'm just here for the conference, then I'm heading back home in two days. I just..." Her lips twisted in an almost embarrassed smile. "I guess I'm using you?"
That made Emilia blink in surprise. "What?"
"Um. Yeah, well," Natasha began, feigning embarrassment very well. She dropped her purse on the side table and nodded toward the glasses. "Water?" Emilia shrugged, not really caring about it, and she didn't pay attention as Natasha slipped powder into it from her ring. The powder dissolved instantly into the bottled water Natasha poured into the glass, so Emilia didn't suspect a thing when she took the glass that Natasha gave her. Natasha took a sip of her water, affecting nerves, and Emilia mirrored the move.
"Okay. Well. I had a bad breakup," Natasha said in a rush, as if admitting a horrible secret. "She hit me, threw me across the room, said I was horrible in bed, the whole drama fit for an awful, awful movie. I just... You're hot, you know. And if I could get you screaming, it would prove she's a liar. I mean, I know it, but..."
Emilia drank the rest of her water and put the glass aside on the nightstand. "Oh." She blinked up at Natasha's awkward expression. "I've had a breakup, too. Just yesterday, as a matter of fact. We had the most awful row. It's why I even listened to you and suggested coming up here. My ex... Sometimes I don't think she likes me very much. She doesn't take me anywhere, won't tell me where she's going..." She gave a half hearted shrug. "She keeps so many secrets from me, like I'm a silly child. But I keep going back, like I can't get any better. You know, no one's even hit on me in years."
Natasha approached, a little hesitant but still with self assurance in her step. "So maybe, we can use each other." She reached out and touched Emilia's arm. "Because I'm looking for just tonight, that's it. I make you come a dozen times, I'm not an awful lover. And me wanting you this much, that bitch ex of yours is as big a liar as mine is."
"Y-you do?" Emilia gulped, suddenly looking very young.
Loki turned away, hands fisting at his sides in frustration. He knew this was an act. He knew that, knew that this was simply a means to an end, a quiet way to slip in under Hydra's radar using their weaknesses against them. Yet it was still painful to watch, to see the yearning on Emilia's face and know he saw it in the mirror all the time.
Instead of answering with words, Natasha grasped Emilia and kissed her lustily, tongue sliding into the other woman's mouth when her lips parted in a gasp. "God, you have no idea. You're so hot, I want to taste you so badly. I want to feel you, want to hear you."
Emilia offered no resistance as Natasha helped her strip off all her clothing, even the delicate looking trouser socks. Natasha playfully kissed her instep before rising to kiss Emilia on the mouth again, one hand winding through her thick blonde locks to hold her in place. Her other hand stroked Emilia's breast, her skin as pale as Loki's skin and with a nipple light pink like a rosebud. Emilia pulled at Natasha's skimpy top. She pulled back from the kiss so Natasha could toss the shirt up over her head and into a distant corner, exposing the lacy balconette bra over her short pencil skirt and stockings. "You're beautiful, too," Emilia offered shyly.
Natasha mirrored her smile, then moved down to take one of Emilia's breasts into her mouth to lick and suckle. Emilia gasped and looped her fingers through Natasha's darkened locks, holding her in place as she set to work. Emilia moaned in pleasure, head thrown back as Natasha stroked her bared breast. "Masha," she whimpered. "I'm so sensitive there..."
With an amused hum, Natasha kept licking and suckling, then switched breasts. Emilia writhed and twisted, one hand still at the back of Natasha's head and the other on her shoulder, fingers twitching. When she arched a little too much, their balance shifted and they toppled onto the bed. Emilia squeaked at the indignity of it, Natasha simply laughed. "Perfect," she declared in a sultry tone. Before Emilia could ask what she meant, Natasha buried her face between Emilia's breasts and started kissing her way down to the juncture of her thighs, urging her to part her legs. Of course Emilia did that without question, legs falling away to reveal her glistening center. There was the heady scent of arousal, and Natasha dived in to lick and suck at her with reckless abandon, making Emilia cry out.
Loki circled the pair at the edge of the bed, watching Natasha at work, fingers of one hand sliding through Emilia's folds. Her other hand was splayed across Emilia's stomach, holding her steady when she bucked her hips too much. Emilia pulled at the sheets and fondled one of her own breasts, noisy in her appreciation of Natasha's efforts. Loki felt distant somehow watching this; while it normally would be arousing, he felt only pain in the center of his chest. Normally he would wonder if Natasha would appreciate him adding a little magic to Emilia's body, or if she would want him to touch her. Instead, he hung back and watched her bring Emilia to boisterous climax, not even pausing when she came. She kept going, scissoring and twisting her fingers, sucking on the clit and making Emilia cry out to a god that wasn't Loki.
"Let me see you," Emilia gasped after the third orgasm, reaching down for Natasha. "Masha, please, I want to touch you, too."
Natasha stopped licking into Emilia and stood from her kneeling position. Without fanfare, she unzipped and stepped out of her skirt, kicking it aside. Off went the shoes, and she unhooked her bra. There was a run in one thigh high stocking now, and her lacy thong was easily removed. At Emilia's beckoning gesture, she approached and let her kiss her on the mouth. She ran her fingers along Emilia's body as the blonde caressed her. Loki could see that Natasha hadn't dyed her pubic hair as well as her hair and eyebrows. Instead, she had waxed everything off. "God, that's hot," Emilia said against her mouth, giggling when she felt Natasha's smooth mons under her fingertips. "I should try that."
"Feels good," Natasha purred, giving her breast a light pinch. "I like how it feels." She gave Emilia a gentle shove. "But for right now, I didn't make you come enough."
Emilia laughed and smothered a yawn, her shoulders dropping slightly. Ah, there was the effect of the sedative finally kicking in. Why hadn't it worked sooner? She tried to caress Natasha when she laid sideways across the bed, but she yawned again and missed Natasha's hip. Natasha knelt beside Emilia's splayed body, fingering her and stroking a breast until the woman passed out.
Once it was clear that Emilia was under the full effect of the drug, Natasha left the bed to wash her hands. She didn't bother to dress, but immediately started rifling through her belongings. "It took her long enough," Loki muttered, not quite materializing beside Natasha.
"It's not immediate," she answered distantly, brows furrowed in concentration as she deftly worked a tracking device and transceiver into Emilia's smartphone.
Loki looked at her, the pain in his chest a yawning chasm. "Does that really not matter to you? It isn't as intimate an act as I was led to believe?"
She looked up briefly, lofting an eyebrow at him. "What are we talking about?"
He shook his head. "Never mind. Continue. Our time here should be short."
"I should stay until morning, at least. Otherwise, she might get suspicious about not fucking me back." Her tone was matter-of-fact, businesslike, and Loki turned away from her. "You don't have to stay here if you have other places to be," she said, looking back at what she was doing, replacing the inner workings of the phone and turning it back on. "She's not going to try to kill me in my sleep or otherwise harm me."
"I promised you," Loki murmured, hating himself even as he said the words.
After replacing the phone where she found it, Natasha looked at him with a critical eye. "It bores you. You've told me that before. This isn't a very glamorous job, you know."
He firmed his jaw as he shrugged, determined that she wouldn't see how perturbed he really felt, or guess at the chasm in his chest. She had to think him invincible, inviolate. Amora hadn't harmed him too badly. He wasn't broken, not at all.
She rifled through the rest of Emilia's belongings, finding a small tablet computer. It was easy enough for Natasha to hack into it and install specialized tracking software that Emilia or any of Ophelia's goons wouldn't be able to detect, and once it was powered down, Natasha took the machine apart to place another transceiver into its inner workings. Loki knew he should be impressed with her capabilities, that information to and from Ophelia Sarkissian would be intercepted, especially if the pair was in an on-again phase. Still, it rankled somehow, seeing her move in this efficient, spare way. This was her job. This meant nothing to her on a personal level. This was only her job.
And he had been a job to her once upon a time.
It couldn't have taken Natasha more than an hour to finish going through and altering Emilia's belongings. Loki felt more and more agitated, and her calm exterior no longer was pleasing. It reminded him too much that she was a spy, a professional liar and killer in the service of other professional liars and killers. She promised to kill him if he lost control, and she meant it. She wouldn't even think twice.
Why did this hurt so much? Why did this matter too much?
"She'll be out for another few hours," Natasha told him, heading to the bathroom to rinse off her face and gargle a bit. Normally her fluid movements and naked body would keep him enthralled, but now he simply turned away. "If you're that concerned, you can watch over us. I can take the opportunity to sleep."
She hadn't slept on the plane ride over. She had instead memorized every scrap of information SHIELD agents had dredged up on Emilia, Ophelia Sarkissian and Maia Schleiss. The cover identity had already been planted and memorized. By the time they had arrived in Austria, Natasha was wearing Masha's personality over her own. It had been disconcerting to see; perhaps that was when the gaping hole in his chest had started to form.
Loki remained invisible, watching over the two women as they slept. Natasha woke when the drugged sleep seemed to fade and Emilia stirred, groggily groaning and rolling over on the bed. She startled when she rolled onto Natasha's sprawled body. "Wow. You really weren't a dream," she blurted, making Natasha laugh.
"I'm definitely taking that as a compliment," Natasha said with a giggle, sounding pleased. Loki knew better, but she really did seem to be an innocent in that moment.
Emilia staggered to the bathroom to wash up a bit, and Natasha stretched, then moved to sit at the edge of the bed. Loki allowed himself a moment to admire the play of light over her naked limbs, but abruptly moved out of the way when Emilia returned from the bathroom. "I'm glad you stayed. I would've thought I was crazy if you'd just disappeared. I can't believe I just fell asleep like that."
Natasha laughed, a light, tinkling sound he had never heard her make before. "I might've thought about it downstairs, but there was no way I could leave when you were done with me. I was too damn exhausted."
Preening a little, Emilia leaned in to kiss Natasha. "One more time before you go. I insist."
This time, Emilia was the one to kneel and nudge Natasha's legs apart. She mouthed Natasha's bare sex, then licked and nuzzled. She grew bolder over time, fingers brushing across the skin of Natasha's thighs. Natasha threw her head back, sighing and moaning, fingers of one hand tangling in Emilia's messy hair. It was a picture of wanton lust and desire, one that Loki didn't want to see anymore.
He was only too eager to leave the room when the women parted ways, tension roiling beneath his skin. There was no way to explain it, and he didn't even bother to try. This didn't matter to Natasha, he told himself. That was just a cover identity. It wasn't important to her. She didn't even try to pretend that she cared about Emilia.
Loki supposed he could ask to join Natasha when she immediately stripped out of her clothes to take a shower. He could imagine it was to scrub off Emilia's touch. Just as easily, however, he could imagine her sliding her fingers between her legs beneath the shower spray, thinking of Emilia's tongue as she brought herself to orgasm.
Managing not to act like a surly mess, Loki paced the hotel room. He had no claim on her, he reminded himself. They had the confines of their deal, but no more. She had made it clear what she thought of him, and he had known that. Natasha was not gentle, not tender, not kind. She wasn't given to emotion. She was tightly controlled and didn't unravel even when he had thought he had her beaten and cowed. She did not break. She could not break.
But she had nearly sacrificed herself in that cavern, Amora's acidic venom eating away at her flesh to give him a moment's peace. She hadn't left him to die when she easily could have. He knew that there had to be something more between them than her callous treatment of him, his depredations and this damned deal. There was that tie between them, something that was and was not magical in nature.
Natasha stepped out of the bathroom after toweling herself off, leaving the sodden material on the floor. She walked around the room, casual in her nudity, pulling on clothes that Masha would wear to this conference. He wanted to ask why she would continue with this farce, but he knew she would follow through with it. The Masha persona would be real until this aspect of the job was over, and then she would follow the leads that her tracers would give her. Natasha was nothing if not thorough.
"Still playing my invisible shadow?" she asked, unerringly looking in his direction. Loki wanted to shout at her, wanted to rush forward and shake her until she felt something for him in return, even if it was loathing. Indifference was worse than hate. He could tolerate hate, could make himself believe it was what he really wanted.
"I promised you," he said in a low tone, clinging to that one phrase like a lifeline.
She nodded sharply and turned back to getting her clothes together. He could admire the smooth lines of her body, the curves and the hidden strength in her limbs. He could remember what it had felt like to have her touch on him. He could crave more of it, but that didn't mean that anything would come of that right now.
The conference itself was fairly boring, and Natasha blended in with other midlevel management drones absorbing information on pellet fuels and new bioenergies that were being developed in different EU countries. Loki froze when he saw Emilia searching the halls as the ballrooms were emptying; had she discovered the tracers or found out that Natasha was a fraud?
It turned out to be neither. "Masha!" she called, moving through the crowd. "Are you free to have lunch with me?"
Natasha lofted an eyebrow. "I thought it was just a one time thing."
Emilia flushed, nearly becoming as red as her silk blouse. "No, no, nothing like that. It's just... I don't have anyone else living here that I know but my aunt, and she works with my ex... It's awkward eating lunch alone."
She gave Emilia a soft smile. "I understand. I have plans, but nothing I can't break." Sort of a lie; Loki hadn't planned to actually eat lunch today.
They sat at a restaurant near the hotel, and Natasha played up the innocent angle. "I didn't know you were attending the conference, too. I wasn't looking for you, though. Sorry."
"No, no, it's nothing like that. I'm in commercial real estate, buying and selling larger properties for corporations. I just like this hotel to stay in when I'm in the area. Otherwise, I travel a lot," Emilia explained. "So I don't know too many people here."
Natasha paused almost dramatically. "You still love her, don't you? Your ex?"
Emilia froze slightly, fork almost comically poised on the way to her mouth. "Um." She put her fork down. "I shouldn't."
"But you do." Natasha gave her a sad smile. "It's okay. We only met last night, it's not going to hurt my feelings."
Emilia blushed prettily. "It's still rude to talk about her like that. But yeah, I do still Phe a lot."
"Phe?" Natasha echoed. "Like Fiona?"
"Ophelia," Emilia corrected. "She's part of a big think tank that does biomedical research."
Natasha reached over and closed her hand over Emilia's wrist. "Why don't you just give her a call, then? See what can be done? Maybe you two can get back together. If it's a real thing, a stupid argument won't change that."
"You don't think I look desperate, then?" Emilia asked, sounding almost wistful.
"Hey, people say all kinds of stupid things when they're angry. Why not give it a try? What have you got to lose? If it's not meant to be, you'll find someone else that knows how to treat you right." Natasha gave her a negligent shrug.
Emilia actually had her cell phone in hand before she stopped and looked at Natasha in embarrassment. "Okay. Maybe I have serious issues with Phe. But I do love her."
Natasha laughed, a light an airy sound that had Loki closing his eyes to savor it. "Hey, it's okay. Really. Last night was fun, but I'm not going to stop you from getting back together with her if that's what you want."
The blonde looked relieved and nodded. "I'll at least wait until we're done with lunch," she decided, putting the phone on the table.
Chuckling, Natasha nodded. "Good. Just because I'm not looking for more than a one night stand doesn't mean it's not rude." She stuck out her tongue for good measure, making Emilia laugh. The rest of the lunch progressed uneventfully, and Natasha gave Emilia a hug and wished her good luck.
Loki remained silent until they were nearly back at the hotel. "You so casually fucked her last night and now shoved her back at Ophelia Sarkissian to further your agenda. Does she matter so little to you?"
"She doesn't matter at all."
It was a statement that disturbed him, though he couldn't have said why that was so.
"She's not harmed by it, whatever you may think," Natasha continued, taking his silence for the discomfort that it was. "She had a good time last night, and it's a boost to her ego. Then she gets to hear that getting back together with an emotionally distant girlfriend-the thing she wants to do anyway-isn't necessarily a crazy idea. It's what she wanted to hear, and gives her the least amount of pain. Ophelia has to care about her on some level, since she really isn't involved in any of Hydra's plots. Ophelia is passionate about Hydra's goals, and moves everything out of her way to get them accomplished. Yet she takes time out of those plans to see Emilia and protect her from the world she lives in."
Perhaps Natasha wasn't as cruel as she wanted Loki to believe her to be.
"Did you really think I hurt everyone I came into contact with?"
Loki stopped walking beside her. After a few steps, Natasha stopped as well. She paused, pretending to look in a storefront window, waiting for Loki to come to her. After a moment he did, sulking. "You have a callous side," he said finally. "And you do not care for her."
"No, I don't," Natasha replied, barely moving her lips. She turned toward the hotel and resumed her walk. "I don't hate her, either. She's a means to an end. There's no point to hurting her, no point in destroying her entire worldview."
"Your manner of kindness."
"Isn't it?" she asked, eyebrow arched in his general direction.
It hurt to hear, and he didn't want it to hurt anymore. Did she only propose their deal because it was her manner of kindness? Did she do it to ensure he wouldn't kill her? Ah, but this was cruel to even contemplate. Perhaps she would be kinder to him if he was female. If he was a woman the way Emilia was, would she be softer with him? Would she actually grow to care for him, find a way to bond with him?
Natasha took her immersion into her roles seriously, that he knew. Loki hung back as she stayed in character as Masha, listening to speakers and taking dutiful notes for a company that didn't exist and never would. She didn't even try to load her SHIELD communication devices, didn't try to track Emilia's communication with Ophelia. Someone else would monitor that feed, just as someone else would track her computer. Natasha would go through the collected data later, and from there draw her conclusions and figure out where to move next.
He was unnecessary. He really didn't have to come with her to Austria. This wasn't quite the dangerous mission he had been expecting it to be. The debacle in Andorra wasn't the usual way her jobs ended up.
Then Loki remembered that he had been a job as well. He had been the target for her to understand, manipulate and maneuver. He had outmaneuvered her, had her bested and on her knees, spewing forth emotions that likely no one else had ever seen. She had trusted him, and he had broken that trust so violently and thoroughly. She would never trust him like that again, and he knew it was all his own doing. There was no one else to blame in that, and whatever grand plans he might have about her defection from SHIELD had that insurmountable barrier to contend with. Loki owed her a debt; he had a ledger now, he knew this to be true, and knew that her stress on choices was a way to allow him to repay that debt. The problem was, he didn't want to repay that debt. He didn't want to have the entire world think he was a good man. He didn't want others thinking well of him. He wanted them afraid of him, to believe him powerful and resourceful. They had to be on edge, perpetually on guard, sure that the power he held was immense and held back only by his magnanimity. The only thing he wanted was Natasha, body and soul, and he didn't think he could have that.
Brooding in the back of the ballroom was unbecoming, but there was no one to see him do it. Even Natasha couldn't tell what he was feeling. All she knew was his general location, and she could only guess at his emotional state by his words and body language. Without it, she was as blind as everyone else.
But if he was different, somehow. If he was softer, kinder, someone she could approach. If he was someone other than Loki Odinson. Or Laufeyson, he didn't know what patronymic he was supposed to use anymore. It bothered him more than he wanted to admit. He was Loki of Asgard; Jotunheim was no home to him, though the cold gave him no discomfort. Asgard was the place he thought of as home, Frigga as his mother. But he was lost to that place, barred from reentry. Odin thought himself a father, but issued commands from high and did not understand what happened to others in the face of his decrees. Nor did he care to. To understand would mean that he had to act, and his will had to remain absolute. Others would have to do his bidding, and he could not appear weak.
Without even realizing what he was doing at first, Loki started weaving spells throughout his body in order to change its shape. He grit his teeth and bore down on the pain of it; he hadn't done it this way when he appeared to be Agent Laura Arbitell for the Warriors Three. That had been superficial changes and glamour, nothing to the extent of what he was doing now. It was more than physical shape that had to be rearranged. Natasha would see through it otherwise, and it had to be a total transformation. She would never accept it if it wasn't complete. She wouldn't treat him differently if any trace of Loki was left behind.
Natasha felt the presence and use of his magic. She turned around, unobtrusively to the others, but stared right at him. When the pulse of magic didn't fade, she headed to the back of the room as if heading to one of the tables with water glasses for a drink. He didn't even try to sidestep her, didn't avoid the brush of her gaze. "What are you doing?" she hissed under her breath.
"Nothing important," he returned, sounding confident. His voice would be the last thing to change, of that he would make sure. She couldn't guess this, not until it was complete. Then she would see the lengths to which he would go for her. Then she would understand. She didn't like the promise to raze Helheim, and he understood why that was. But this, this didn't involve death or destruction. This would be proof of his concern.
And maybe she would understand why he did it, when even he didn't know.
"Loki, don't do anything stupid."
"Why would I do something like that?"
She shot him a death glare. "Let me catch Sarkissian my way. Don't draw her out with magic. I won't be able to lock her away otherwise."
Relief flooded through him; she thought he was helping her cause with his craft, not that he was doing something damaging. She didn't think that badly of him.
Of course, he didn't stop to think of why that might matter to him. Or why it shouldn't have.
"I won't draw her out with magic. It's just deadly dull here."
Her expression softened. "Go on up to the room, then. I'll probably be here another hour or two."
Loki retreated immediately, only a whisper of touch from his fingertips to her lips to mark his passing. His body wouldn't have changed yet, so she should have felt the same imprint upon her skin. Of that he was confident.
Ensconced in her hotel room, Loki fell upon the bed and began to apply spells in earnest. While his armor and leathers were enchanted to be form fitting, it soon felt too confining, too encumbering. He shed the offending armor pieces and then his clothing, almost laughing at the sudden appearance of each item to the naked eye. The invisibility spells still held on his form, so he couldn't see what he looked like as his body changed. He could feel it, the contractions of muscle and twisting of skin, the warping of internal organs to match the newly chosen sex. The change burned through him, fierce as Amora's venom had been but sweeter somehow. Perhaps because he had chosen this fire, willingly submitted to it in a way he never would have if Amora had asked him to. He had endured its pain for Natasha's sake, and he would gladly do so a thousand times over if it would keep her safe.
He burned, but this was a good ache. A cleansing ache. Everything could start over now, and he wouldn't have to be a callous monster.
Partway through the transformation he fell asleep. The invisibility spells didn't hold, but that didn't matter to Loki during the brief wakings before Natasha returned. No one else knew of Loki's presence, only her. There was no need for invisibility spells.
He looked in the full length mirror to examine his new form. He was as tall as he had been before, and as pale and dark haired. His limbs were still slender, but the angles in his limbs were softer now. The angles in his face were gone, and his facial features appeared youthful and almost sweet, not as Laura had looked. His breasts were high and full, rather like Emilia's were, and his stomach was rather flat, just the smallest rounded curve that hinted at a fertile body. His hips were flared wide, and the coarse hair between his thighs covered a slit and not a cock. His fingers and toes curled as he perused his reflection, and he watched his reflection as he touched himself everywhere, exploring this body.
Pleased, Loki gathered up the sheet from the bed and wrapped it loosely around the lush body as he waited for Natasha, almost gleeful with anticipation.
When she did return, her eyes grew wide and she tensed as if to strike. Loki stood, the single sheet wrapped around his body falling away to reveal his new form, naked and fresh from the transformation. "I'm Loki," he said, but his voice was different. It wasn't harsh and mocking the way Laura's had been. This time, it was more melodious, more feminine. Hopefully it would be more appealing to her.
"Loki, what have you done?" Natasha asked, voice carefully measured.
Without inflection, he had no idea how she thought anymore. She had no idea what Natasha thought anymore; the transformation was too new, Loki still thought of herself as a he, though now this body was unmistakably female.
"Is this not better?" she asked, voice soft and melodious. "Is this not easier?"
"Easier for what?"
"To start anew." She reached out for her, and thankfully Natasha didn't back away or look on in disgust or horror. She would have wailed and broken something if Natasha had done such a thing. Loki didn't know how to feel otherwise.
"Why would we need to do that?" Natasha asked in that same careful voice. Loki was starting to hate it. "We can't forget the past. You know that."
"Wouldn't you like me better this way?" Loki asked, hoping that Natasha couldn't hear the desperation in her voice. New voice, new body, new mannerisms. Right?
Natasha stayed still while Loki touched her shoulder gently. "What brought this on, Loki?"
"Is this not easier? The past forgotten, no constant reminder of all that passed before."
Loki couldn't breathe when Natasha pressed on the patch of slightly discolored skin just on the rise of her left breast. It was the same patch of discolored skin that marked where Amora's venom had hit him. There was no other obvious disfigurement, but Loki felt like it was a brand of some kind. She trembled despite her intention not to, and she nearly cried out, feeling the ghostly burn of the venom on her flesh.
"Can you really forget?" Natasha asked softly, infinitely gently.
To her infinite shame, Loki's vision swam. Her eyes were shining bright, and she wanted to bawl in Natasha's arms. "I want to," she whispered.
"Is this because of Emilia?"
Yes. No. Of course not. Of course. It had nothing and everything to do with her.
"Loki. Look at me."
She had to respond to Natasha's commanding voice. She had to obey, had to submit. There was no pain if she did that, if she did what Natasha wanted her to do, if she pleased her... the awful, gaping hole in her chest would go away. There would be no pain, only release. Natasha could make it all better, if only for a little while. She didn't have to be a horrible, monstrous creature all the time. For a little while, she could know peace.
Natasha grasped Loki's face in her hands, and she could feel herself tremble under Natasha's piercing gaze. You shouldn't have come here, Natasha would say. You don't belong here. It was a mistake to bring you. I don't need you, she would say. It would hurt terribly, it would tear her apart. And she would endure it if she had to, because it was what Natasha wanted her to bear.
But she said none of those things. "Get me something to tie you down with."
Loki was only too happy to comply.
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To Chapter Two - Diving Deep