To Feel Safe Again, 2/3. NC-17
Title: To Feel Safe Again
Series: #9 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Natasha reluctantly agreed to let Loki tag along to Austria as an invisible bodyguard. What happened next was something neither of them bargained for.
Prior chapter:
One - Playing A Role
Two - Diving Deep
The best that Loki could do was give the bathrobe tie to Natasha. She licked her lips nervously and kept her eyes downcast. "You usually don't want me using magic," she murmured. "It's not our usual day, but the rules..."
Natasha's hand came to rest gently on top of her bowed head. "You did well, Loki."
Breath rushing out of her in relief, Loki tilted her head up and looked at Natasha from her kneeling position. While she had run about the room frantically looking for something that would serve Natasha's needs, she had carefully taken off all of her clothing and piled it in the corner with the other clothes that needed laundering. Loki could see every curve and flare in Natasha's body from this position, mouth running dry at the thought of what her domme would do to her. It wasn't their usual day, this wasn't part of their deal, but Loki ached so badly and didn't understand why. She had twisted herself inside out- literally, painfully, and yet without regret- but still felt out of sorts and lost. She needed Natasha to feel whole again, to feel some measure of safety she had lost somehow.
Amora bested you, Loki's male voice echoed harshly in her head. She burned you, she broke your bones, she spelled you silent and useless. Her minion chained you down and you burned helplessly at her whims. Your pain amused her, as if she was a disciple of Thanos. It was nothing to her, and you know you deserved every moment of it. You lie to Natasha with every breath. You are not worthy. You will never be worthy. You will die alone, and you know it is just punishment for all you've done and all you will do. Her ledger will never set you free. You will drown in blood, because you will lie and cheat and steal and kill, because it's who you are. Odin and Frigga should have killed you as an infant. There would be no pain now if you had died as you should have.
Loki let out a pained sound, nearly a wail, when Natasha knelt in front of her and brushed aside the tears that Loki didn't realize she was shedding. She was shushing her, as if Loki was a broken child, and that sent her to sobbing. Frigga had done this for her once upon a time, broken bones and shattered spells, her heart shredded in her chest at what a failure she was. Frigga had been infinitely patient and loving, and deserved a better child than Loki.
Natasha took the bathrobe tie in hand and pulled Loki's wrists toward her. "I'm going to make it better, Loki," she murmured.
"P-please," Loki sobbed, ashamed of her reaction. "I don't understand. I can't..."
She tied the terrycloth around Loki's wrists carefully yet tightly enough to let her feel secure. At the feel of Natasha's fingers over her scar, Loki startled and nearly wailed in terror. Natasha shushed her again, voice infinitely gentle, just like Frigga's had been. "I understand, Loki. I know what's happening to you."
Loki looked up, bewildered hope in her eyes. "You do?"
Her touch was gentle on Loki's cheek. "A lot happened in the cavern. And there have been nightmares you don't talk about." Loki froze, breath caught in her chest. How did she know? Loki had never mentioned it, and had layered silencing charms over himself at the Tower and here in Austria, so thick he thought he would choke from it. "So you need this extra session. I'm here. I saved you there, and you know I'll save you again."
"Please, Natasha," Loki begged. "Please." She didn't even know what she was begging for, but if Natasha could make it all stop...
"Lie on your back on the bed."
Loki got up with some difficulty and nearly crawled onto the bed, her knees locked in place and her breathing shallow with fear. Natasha would make it better, and Natasha would know what to do. All she had to do was trust in her. She was the only one left. Loki had driven everyone else away, but somehow Natasha was still there. She hadn't left yet, but it was only a matter of time, really. If Loki was too much of a burden...
Natasha was all graceful movements as she got on the bed to tie the other end of the terrycloth to the headboard. Loki nipped at the breast swaying close to her head, catching the nipple between her lips. Her tongue swept out, and a sense of calm settled over her when Natasha touched her chest. It was a firm touch, grounding her, and Loki nearly sobbed when Natasha leaned back and took her breast away from Loki's mouth.
"Close your eyes and feel me," Natasha commanded, and Loki had to obey.
It was delicious torture; Loki could open her eyes and see Natasha as she ran her fingers along the new dips and curves of Loki's body, but that would be disobeying. Lack of sight also meant that her other senses were sharper to compensate, making the feel of Natasha's fingers and the sound of her body moving that much more intense. Loki could hear her own heartbeat rushing in her ears, the slight gasps she made when she shivered. Natasha was silent, painfully silent, and Loki didn't know if she was doing a good enough job. But there were no reprimands, no curses or painful swats, so she had to be following directions well.
Loki bucked and cried out when Natasha gave her nipples a light pinch, but she remembered to squeeze her eyes shut. She whimpered slightly, letting her head fall back. It wasn't a punishment, but oh, that was delicious and she hadn't realized how good that could feel. Loki heard herself panting and whimpering, but couldn't find it in herself to feel shame at that moment. Shame wouldn't matter to Natasha. That wasn't important. Loki had to submit. She had to listen and follow directions. That was all she had to do. She had to feel, and nothing else was important but that.
She cried out again when Natasha's mouth came down over the nipple, soothing the sting with her tongue. Her mouth fell open, breathing harsh as she gave herself over to the sensation of Natasha's mouth on her breast and then Natasha's fingers sliding down her belly to the juncture of her thighs. Loki tilted her hips and let her legs fall open, crying out again when Natasha's fingers curled into her. She kept her eyes shut tight, pleasure flooding through her. She couldn't be as awful as she thought if Natasha would give her this. It would be painful if she was as lost and broken as she feared she was. Natasha would hurt her if she needed it, Natasha would rein her in when she went too far.
The first orgasm was swift and unexpected, making her nearly scream. Natasha didn't slow down at all, but kept going. Her mouth had moved to the other breast, then dipped down to her stomach, licking and nipping at her skin. The air felt chilly over her wet nipples, which made her whimper. She could feel them tighten and pucker, and Loki writhed and moaned beneath Natasha helplessly. The second orgasm wasn't as unexpected now that she knew how it felt, a ripple of intense pleasure that made her want to melt into the bed.
"Open your eyes," Natasha commanded when she withdrew her fingers. Loki did so, feeling weak and loose limbed, her mouth open with the effort to breathe. Natasha was still gloriously naked, self assurance in every line of her body. She licked her fingers slowly, sensually, eyes locked to Loki's. Once they were clean, she repositioned herself so that she could grind her clit against Loki's. Never once did Natasha look away, though Loki wanted to writhe and shut her eyes to have the pleasure overwhelm her again.
She said nonsense words and phrases in English and Alltongue, prayers that would likely go unfulfilled. "Please," she begged, not knowing what she begged for. "Please. I can't. I can't," Loki whimpered, tears coming to her eyes as her entire body tightened in anticipation.
"You can and you will. You will do this for me," Natasha said. There was infinite kindness in her command. "You're going to take all of this and more."
More. By the roots of the Tree, Loki would go mad before then.
Loki pulled at her wrists as she twisted, gasping and moaning. "I can't, I can't."
"You can," Natasha purred, her own breath catching slightly. Oh, this had to be good for her as well, the glorious pleasures Loki felt now had to be mirrored in Natasha's body. "You're going to be so good for me, won't you, Loki? You're going to be so good, and it's because you can feel this, you want me to do this."
"Please," Loki moaned. "Please," she begged, hips jerking as a bolt of pleasure shot through her. She could feel inner muscles clench down on emptiness, and it gave her a feeling of loss. Oh, yes, there. That didn't exist before today, but suddenly it ached as if it pulsed and needed and wanted of its own accord. How strange, how wonderful.
Natasha sped up her pace, her own breath coming short as she ground down with harder, shorter strokes. Loki cried out again, hands curling into fists. "I need," she panted helplessly, hips bucking against Natasha's. "Please..."
"You're such a good girl like this, aren't you? Pretty and dripping wet for me?"
Keep talking, Loki silently begged, her mouth so dry from gasping for air. Natasha's filthy statement quickened her heart, and she wanted more.
"If I had toys here with me, you'd let me fuck you. Put a cock in there, fuck you hard and fast, make you come so hard you don't know who you are anymore. I'd fuck your ass, too, make you scream for me."
"Yes, yes, I want it, I'll take it," Loki gasped, not caring what she said anymore.
"Bend you over, fuck you from behind, pull on your hair, make you feel me as I fucked you hard," Natasha gasped, hips snapping. She had to be close, and Loki whined, wanting to watch her come done. She could feel herself, wet and aching, needing Natasha to fill her up. She was empty, she was lost, Natasha knew the way to wholeness.
"Harder," Loki agreed, tilting her hips. She felt so slick, so wanton, so wanted, and she would do anything Natasha asked her to do.
Natasha made a soft keening noise, but kept rubbing against Loki until her vision whited out and she nearly screamed. She moaned with loss when Natasha moved, but she was knee-walking along the bed until she came to Loki's head. Without another word, she swung one leg over the side and gripped the headboard. "Make me come, Loki," she commanded, voice strong and showing no rough edges as Loki's was. "Be a good girl, and I'll be good to you."
"Yes," she said, smiling up at Natasha and then eagerly diving in. She loved how Natasha tasted, and she was slick from her orgasm. Loki laved at her with her tongue, lapping at the juices and nipping at the tender flesh. This she knew how to do, and she moved as hard and fast as she dared to over Natasha's clit. She could ignore the ache between her legs as long as she pleased Natasha, as long as she kept up a litany of her filthy plans for Loki's new body. Yes, she would use clamps on her nipples, let Natasha bend her over to doubly penetrate her with dildos or vibrators, let Natasha spank her or take a flogger to her back. She would do anything, anything at all, as long as Natasha was pleased. As long as Natasha wanted her, as long as she could belong to her, as long as she had a place.
When Natasha came, Loki slowed her pace so Natasha could come down from the high. For the effort, Natasha slid her fingers into Loki's slick slit, making her cry out in ecstasy. Three fingers in, thumb at her clit, Loki's hips shifting and jerking of their own accord. Natasha was straddling one thigh to keep her from moving too much, and Loki could feel Natasha's wet quim rubbing against her skin. Too much, too much, over too soon but Natasha didn't stop, didn't let her even come down from the high before taking her higher still. Loki had no idea she could feel this way, found herself begging for more, more, just let her feel, please, more of this, don't let her be lost, don't let go of her, don't let the monsters devour her, please keep the darkness away, please, please, please, take the nightmares away, let the memories drown beneath this, please, I love you, I love you, I love you...
Loki shattered, her entire body falling limp and boneless against the bed.
Natasha came again from grinding against Loki's thigh, and she gently reached over to pull her wrists free. She cradled Loki's face in her hands and kissed her lips tenderly, a lover's kiss, something she had never done for Emilia. "You were so good, Loki," Natasha crooned softly, licking at her parted lips. "You did well."
She needed to hear it, and leaned into Natasha's kiss. With difficulty, she brought her arms down, fingers shaking. Loki could only whimper as Natasha pulled her into a tight embrace, as the haze in her mind settled down a little. She felt so small and helpless as she clung to Natasha, but safe at the same time. She was safe here. It would be fine, she wouldn't be hurt again.
Opening her eyes a little, Loki saw through her own dark hair and caught sight of Natasha's. The spy had dyed her hair the same exact shade as Loki's. It was shorter, pulled back in a messy bun so that the ends looked spiky, but their hair was the same color now. They were the same. Her heart sang wildly in her chest, some measure of camaraderie and almost ownership. Of course she had been silly before. Fear and nightmares and Amora's awful threats had warred in Loki's mind and poisoned it. Natasha cared. Of course Natasha cared. Natasha saved her from Amora and Skrall, saved her from the pain as long as she could stand it, longer than Loki had wanted her to. There was that bond between them, the bond that Loki didn't make and couldn't control. Natasha wanted her. Natasha wanted her.
Nearly sobbing with relief, Loki clung to Natasha as the shivers began to wrack her body. She let her eyes slide shut as Natasha tightened her grip. She belonged, she belonged, she hadn't driven everyone away, she wasn't a failure, she wasn't as terrible as she feared. Oh, she was evil, had done monstrous things, certainly didn't deserve love in the truest sense. But she wasn't alone, wasn't going to be left for the beasts in the dark to devour. Natasha would never let that happen to her. Natasha would keep her from becoming the beast in the dark, and her own treacherous desires wouldn't consume her. Natasha would keep her safe.
"Better?" Natasha asked after a while, voice soft. Loki nodded against her breasts, eyes still closed. Her entire body was loose and relaxed, remade without the terrible tension. It might come back again-all of her nightmares usually did, tangled, frightening and shadowy things that she couldn't name once awake-but Natasha would keep her safe.
It was a mantra that she believed in as strongly as she believed in Yggdrasil.
"Good," Natasha said, soft voice thick with her approval. Loki was good, Loki listened and took what Natasha gave her. That was the way it should be, and meant she could stay. "Go wash up, okay? You're all sticky."
Loki walked to the bathroom on wobbly legs, feeling as skittish and weak as a newborn colt. But that was the way of it, wasn't it? She was reformed, made new, washed clean until the next time she befouled herself with the impulses she couldn't control. Without Natasha even having to ask, Loki brought a damp washcloth after she was done cleansing herself, and took her time cleaning Natasha, nuzzling her thigh almost as a cat would. Loki even purred when Natasha stroked her hair, fingertips massaging the base of her skull. She let her eyes slide shut and inhaled the scent of Natasha's musk, breathing in deep and feeling at peace.
"Oh."
Loki pulled back, the haze of pleasure and pleasing Natasha making her movements slow and languid still. This was a good session, sending Loki deep into subspace. She didn't want to come out of it, but there was Emilia in the doorway, housekeeping keycard in hand, looking at them and appearing dumbfounded and lost. Loki could relate; who did Emilia belong to? Ophelia wouldn't do this for her, would she? Emilia didn't know anyone else in Austria but Ophelia and Maia, and she was so drawn to her work. Why else would she let a stranger take her to bed and open up about her innermost feelings? She craved someone to belong to.
While Loki could understand it, she wasn't about to share Natasha, either.
"Emilia," Natasha said, not taking her hand away from the back of Loki's skull. Oh, that made her want to preen and boast about being wholly Natasha's.
"Sorry. Um. I stole this from the housekeeper and convinced a clerk to give me your room number." Emilia flushed at the sight of Loki kneeling between Natasha's spread legs, their nakedness and activity painfully obvious. "Um. I'm sorry. But I don't have your number, and I really... I don't know anyone else. I..." She was in near tears and looked helpless and lost. Loki had felt that way not too long ago, but couldn't find any sympathy for the poor woman.
Natasha looked down at Loki, and she understood that Natasha was asking her without words if she was ready for their scene to end. After she came down from her highs, there were no specific rituals to signal its end. Sometimes Natasha simply said they were done. She couldn't say that aloud now without giving away Loki's secret, and it warmed her heart immensely to know that Natasha would even protect her from strangers.
"I'm Laurel," Loki said, pulling back from Natasha. When Natasha rose to her feet, Loki pulled up the discarded sheet from the floor and wrapped it around herself. Natasha didn't bother, simply wearing her nudity as if it was an evening gown.
"Do you want me to go?" Emilia asked Natasha, her expression clear that she was afraid Natasha would say yes. She really had nowhere else to go. That was likely one of the things that drew Ophelia Sarkissian to her, and one of the reasons why Natasha had targeted her.
"Close the door," Natasha said, striding forward and pushing it shut. "What's happened?"
Emilia's eyes flicked from Natasha to Loki, and she licked her lips nervously. Loki sat on the edge of the bed, keeping her expression neutral and her eyes on Emilia. She didn't have to defend her territory. Natasha could do that herself. She was strong, she could do anything. She had saved Loki, and Loki was safe here.
"I called her. Like we talked about at lunch." Her stance was one of barely contained agitation and anxiety. Loki almost felt sorry for her. Almost. She should have had more time in Natasha's bed if not for this woman interrupted.
"And?" Natasha prompted when Emilia fell silent.
"She doesn't care. I've been her thing on the side. She's been involved with someone for years, and only wanted me to find her large enough properties to do her research, and only because I was fucking convenient, because she was working with my aunt!" Emilia wailed, bursting into tears.
Natasha pulled a face and had Emilia sit down in the armchair across from the bed. "So she's breaking up with you for good?"
"She doesn't need me anymore." Emilia sniffled and looked at Natasha piteously. "Because I really am useless and stupid, and I never knew what she was up to. Three years of my life wasted on that selfish bitch."
Rubbing Emilia's arm gently, Natasha cast a sideways glance back toward Loki. "So... What do you want to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, she used you and was horrible. Do you want to get even?"
Emilia blinked, and Loki wanted to shake her. She could see where Natasha was going with this, even if Emilia couldn't. Stupid girl.
"You've been with her three years, Emilia. You know everything about your ex, right? So why not stick it to her where it hurts? If she loves her business more than you, start messing with it."
"I guess I do. I mean, she's in business with my aunt Maia and I've done the books there a bunch of times. I can get her financials easy."
Natasha gave her an encouraging smile. "So hey, you could go messing that up."
"But I don't want to hurt Maia. I couldn't do that to her."
"I'm sure you'll think of something."
"Or could you come with me?" Emilia asked, looking hopeful as she sniffled and rubbed at her eyes. "I mean, you said you're in business, something like that. You could figure out how to make it really hurt." Emilia's face fell when Natasha looked back toward Loki. Oh, how that warmed Loki's heart. Natasha valued her opinion. How long had it been since she had felt that way?
"Hang on." Natasha went to Loki's side and ducked her head low. "You don't have to go, you can stay here," she said. In a softer voice, she whispered "I can handle it myself."
"I'll send copies," Loki whispered back, pressing her lips against Natasha's cheek. "Invisible ones, in case you need me."
Natasha pulled back with a smile and then went to her suitcase. "Is it far? Because I don't really know my way around," she said to Emilia.
"You're really going to come along with me?" Emilia asked, face lighting up with hope. "No, it's not far at all." She watched as Natasha dressed quickly. "You know, you were right about your ex being a lying bitch." She grinned at Natasha's look of surprise. "She said you were awful and useless, right? And hit you? Well, you only met me yesterday, but you met me for lunch and now you're heading out with me just because my ex is a lying, filthy bitch. So both of them were liars, because an awful person wouldn't be doing this."
She gave Emilia a smile. "You may have a point there." She slipped on her boots and grabbed her purse. "So let's go get some revenge."
Splitting her consciousness three ways, Loki crafted two invisible doubles to follow Natasha and Emilia to the warehouse district where Maia's property was located. They got in easily with Emilia's keys, and went straight to the office to rifle through files in the cabinets and on the computer. Natasha offered to take the computer, and deftly went through its file structure and commonly used programs to trace where Emilia or Maia would have put important files. She wasn't just looking for the financial data, but for any potential ties to AIM or Hydra. Whatever might have been useful, she copied onto a flash drive while Emilia wasn't looking. She was absorbed in going through the file cabinets, every once in a while sniffling. Probably when she saw Ophelia's name, if Loki had to guess. One of Loki's copies looked over Emilia's shoulder, but it was all invoices and ordinary day to day business expenses.
"There has to be something," Natasha said after a moment, palming the flash drive. The other Loki copy took it from her and then slid it into her bra. Loki was rather proud of that sleight of hand, if only because she could stroke Natasha in Emilia's sight without the idiot knowing what was happening. Loki may have grinned a lot at that thought, though she wouldn't have admitted to such a thing.
"There's an office I don't have access to two doors down," Emilia offered, shutting her drawer. "You know, this idea sounded much better while I was upset."
"You still look upset to me," Natasha pointed out.
"Masha," Emilia sighed, scrubbing at her face. "I don't think I should do this after all."
"Go there," Natasha said sotto voce to the invisible copy next to her, sliding another flash drive out of her pocket for the copy to take. One of the Loki copies left the office for the one in question; it was an easy spell to slide through the door to look for things Natasha would be interested in. Since one copy had watched her move through the computer, Loki was able to do the same on this one, copying files to the flash drive. This computer was far more interesting than Emilia's, and had more accounts and documents regarding research that Hydra was working on, as well as information they were stealing from various smaller organizations.
Loki powered down the computer and moved to the cabinets and drawers, looking for similar information. Locked and false bottomed drawers didn't faze her in the slightest, and it was child's play for the copy to make copies of the hidden files. She didn't even bother to figure out if it was the same kind of information Natasha had been saving from the computer; if it was hidden away, it was worth copying, in her opinion. Natasha could sort it all out later.
While Emilia and Natasha had to leave and wander through the streets, Loki's copy in the office simply snapped back into the original Loki. The flash drive and files were then safely hidden inside of Natasha's suitcase until she could evaluate them, and Loki simply stretched and lounged on the bed, pleased with herself. Natasha would heap praises upon her, would give one of her rare true smiles, would hold her close and say how proud she was.
One ghostly copy of Loki was enough to trail behind the pair until they came back to the hotel with little to show for Emilia's paltry efforts at revenge. Natasha gave her a commiserating hug and bid her good night and good luck for finding someone better than Ophelia; it even sounded like she meant it. The last copy snapped back into Loki as Natasha returned to her room, a slight sting in her chest making her gasp. Usually it didn't feel like anything when her copies returned to her, but this one apparently had passed through Natasha. Loki supposed that it was the crackle and static of Natasha's healing magic that made the recombination tingle so.
Natasha came to sit on the bed beside Loki's sprawled form. Her fingers trailed gently along Loki's bare arm. "Doing all right?"
Loki sat up, sheet falling from her body as she reached for Natasha. "It's better now that you're here," she murmured, letting her hand curl around the back of Natasha's neck. She pulled her close and kissed her tenderly, tongue brushing across Natasha's lips. "It's difficult using that much magic while split apart." Loki would never admit this to anyone else; it used to be that she lied about that, claiming that it came easily.
"The conference ends tomorrow, and then we'll head back to New York."
"You'll miss doing things like this," Loki murmured, stroking the back of her neck.
"Somehow, I don't think being Ambassador to Asgard will be all that tedious," she replied dryly, patting Loki's thigh gently. "Your mother didn't seem all that comfortable with violence when she saw us wounded."
Snorting, Loki shook her head. "Frigga is no stranger to violence. She had some manner of training with the sword and staff, and has a number of healing spells at her disposal." Loki's lips curled into an amused smile. "You believed her fragile?"
Natasha sighed. "She was convincing."
"Primary defense of most casters is to appear delicate."
"Because then they're underestimated," Natasha reasoned. She used that tactic herself on more than one occasion, and hadn't thought that Frigga would need to do that with her.
"Precisely," Loki said with a nod. She let her hand fall from Natasha's neck, fingers trailing down her spine. "There are very few things she values."
"You're one of them."
Loki froze, unable to even breathe. "No."
"Why else lie and make me think she's helpless? Between that and Odin making it clear that you can never go to Asgard, it means you have nothing and no one left."
There was a reason for this conversation, wasn't there? Loki couldn't recall it. Breathing was too difficult to do at the moment, and thinking seemed impossible. Good thing she was with Natasha, who could possibly do the thinking for her.
Natasha pulled Loki against her and kissed her forehead. "Why don't you sleep? It's been a long day for you, and you'll need rest."
A paroxysm of fear flashed through Loki for a moment. Nightmares had come with sleep before, and she wasn't sure if that would change now that she was female. What if it didn't? What if the pain came back, and the weight of the chains pressed into her? What if Amora's fires came for her? Or the laughter changed into that of Thanos, and the cold abyss beckoned if he didn't lie and lie and lie...
"I'm here," Natasha murmured, lips still against Loki's forehead. "I'll keep the nightmares away from you tonight. I'll keep you safe, I promise."
Loki burrowed her face into Natasha's neck as she threw her arms around her. One shuddering breath, and then Natasha's arms came to encircle her. "I can stay here with you, then?"
She didn't stay with Natasha very long after sessions. They separated ways, and there was only the very rare instance when they slept together. The last time they had both been wounded, and before that was under the influence of one of Amora's rings.
This time, it was her idea. She wanted Loki to stay. She was going to protect her, wouldn't let the demons get her. It was everything Loki wanted and needed.
And indeed, there were no nightmares that night.
***
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To Chapter Three - Wearing A New Face
Series: #9 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Natasha reluctantly agreed to let Loki tag along to Austria as an invisible bodyguard. What happened next was something neither of them bargained for.
Prior chapter:
One - Playing A Role
Two - Diving Deep
The best that Loki could do was give the bathrobe tie to Natasha. She licked her lips nervously and kept her eyes downcast. "You usually don't want me using magic," she murmured. "It's not our usual day, but the rules..."
Natasha's hand came to rest gently on top of her bowed head. "You did well, Loki."
Breath rushing out of her in relief, Loki tilted her head up and looked at Natasha from her kneeling position. While she had run about the room frantically looking for something that would serve Natasha's needs, she had carefully taken off all of her clothing and piled it in the corner with the other clothes that needed laundering. Loki could see every curve and flare in Natasha's body from this position, mouth running dry at the thought of what her domme would do to her. It wasn't their usual day, this wasn't part of their deal, but Loki ached so badly and didn't understand why. She had twisted herself inside out- literally, painfully, and yet without regret- but still felt out of sorts and lost. She needed Natasha to feel whole again, to feel some measure of safety she had lost somehow.
Amora bested you, Loki's male voice echoed harshly in her head. She burned you, she broke your bones, she spelled you silent and useless. Her minion chained you down and you burned helplessly at her whims. Your pain amused her, as if she was a disciple of Thanos. It was nothing to her, and you know you deserved every moment of it. You lie to Natasha with every breath. You are not worthy. You will never be worthy. You will die alone, and you know it is just punishment for all you've done and all you will do. Her ledger will never set you free. You will drown in blood, because you will lie and cheat and steal and kill, because it's who you are. Odin and Frigga should have killed you as an infant. There would be no pain now if you had died as you should have.
Loki let out a pained sound, nearly a wail, when Natasha knelt in front of her and brushed aside the tears that Loki didn't realize she was shedding. She was shushing her, as if Loki was a broken child, and that sent her to sobbing. Frigga had done this for her once upon a time, broken bones and shattered spells, her heart shredded in her chest at what a failure she was. Frigga had been infinitely patient and loving, and deserved a better child than Loki.
Natasha took the bathrobe tie in hand and pulled Loki's wrists toward her. "I'm going to make it better, Loki," she murmured.
"P-please," Loki sobbed, ashamed of her reaction. "I don't understand. I can't..."
She tied the terrycloth around Loki's wrists carefully yet tightly enough to let her feel secure. At the feel of Natasha's fingers over her scar, Loki startled and nearly wailed in terror. Natasha shushed her again, voice infinitely gentle, just like Frigga's had been. "I understand, Loki. I know what's happening to you."
Loki looked up, bewildered hope in her eyes. "You do?"
Her touch was gentle on Loki's cheek. "A lot happened in the cavern. And there have been nightmares you don't talk about." Loki froze, breath caught in her chest. How did she know? Loki had never mentioned it, and had layered silencing charms over himself at the Tower and here in Austria, so thick he thought he would choke from it. "So you need this extra session. I'm here. I saved you there, and you know I'll save you again."
"Please, Natasha," Loki begged. "Please." She didn't even know what she was begging for, but if Natasha could make it all stop...
"Lie on your back on the bed."
Loki got up with some difficulty and nearly crawled onto the bed, her knees locked in place and her breathing shallow with fear. Natasha would make it better, and Natasha would know what to do. All she had to do was trust in her. She was the only one left. Loki had driven everyone else away, but somehow Natasha was still there. She hadn't left yet, but it was only a matter of time, really. If Loki was too much of a burden...
Natasha was all graceful movements as she got on the bed to tie the other end of the terrycloth to the headboard. Loki nipped at the breast swaying close to her head, catching the nipple between her lips. Her tongue swept out, and a sense of calm settled over her when Natasha touched her chest. It was a firm touch, grounding her, and Loki nearly sobbed when Natasha leaned back and took her breast away from Loki's mouth.
"Close your eyes and feel me," Natasha commanded, and Loki had to obey.
It was delicious torture; Loki could open her eyes and see Natasha as she ran her fingers along the new dips and curves of Loki's body, but that would be disobeying. Lack of sight also meant that her other senses were sharper to compensate, making the feel of Natasha's fingers and the sound of her body moving that much more intense. Loki could hear her own heartbeat rushing in her ears, the slight gasps she made when she shivered. Natasha was silent, painfully silent, and Loki didn't know if she was doing a good enough job. But there were no reprimands, no curses or painful swats, so she had to be following directions well.
Loki bucked and cried out when Natasha gave her nipples a light pinch, but she remembered to squeeze her eyes shut. She whimpered slightly, letting her head fall back. It wasn't a punishment, but oh, that was delicious and she hadn't realized how good that could feel. Loki heard herself panting and whimpering, but couldn't find it in herself to feel shame at that moment. Shame wouldn't matter to Natasha. That wasn't important. Loki had to submit. She had to listen and follow directions. That was all she had to do. She had to feel, and nothing else was important but that.
She cried out again when Natasha's mouth came down over the nipple, soothing the sting with her tongue. Her mouth fell open, breathing harsh as she gave herself over to the sensation of Natasha's mouth on her breast and then Natasha's fingers sliding down her belly to the juncture of her thighs. Loki tilted her hips and let her legs fall open, crying out again when Natasha's fingers curled into her. She kept her eyes shut tight, pleasure flooding through her. She couldn't be as awful as she thought if Natasha would give her this. It would be painful if she was as lost and broken as she feared she was. Natasha would hurt her if she needed it, Natasha would rein her in when she went too far.
The first orgasm was swift and unexpected, making her nearly scream. Natasha didn't slow down at all, but kept going. Her mouth had moved to the other breast, then dipped down to her stomach, licking and nipping at her skin. The air felt chilly over her wet nipples, which made her whimper. She could feel them tighten and pucker, and Loki writhed and moaned beneath Natasha helplessly. The second orgasm wasn't as unexpected now that she knew how it felt, a ripple of intense pleasure that made her want to melt into the bed.
"Open your eyes," Natasha commanded when she withdrew her fingers. Loki did so, feeling weak and loose limbed, her mouth open with the effort to breathe. Natasha was still gloriously naked, self assurance in every line of her body. She licked her fingers slowly, sensually, eyes locked to Loki's. Once they were clean, she repositioned herself so that she could grind her clit against Loki's. Never once did Natasha look away, though Loki wanted to writhe and shut her eyes to have the pleasure overwhelm her again.
She said nonsense words and phrases in English and Alltongue, prayers that would likely go unfulfilled. "Please," she begged, not knowing what she begged for. "Please. I can't. I can't," Loki whimpered, tears coming to her eyes as her entire body tightened in anticipation.
"You can and you will. You will do this for me," Natasha said. There was infinite kindness in her command. "You're going to take all of this and more."
More. By the roots of the Tree, Loki would go mad before then.
Loki pulled at her wrists as she twisted, gasping and moaning. "I can't, I can't."
"You can," Natasha purred, her own breath catching slightly. Oh, this had to be good for her as well, the glorious pleasures Loki felt now had to be mirrored in Natasha's body. "You're going to be so good for me, won't you, Loki? You're going to be so good, and it's because you can feel this, you want me to do this."
"Please," Loki moaned. "Please," she begged, hips jerking as a bolt of pleasure shot through her. She could feel inner muscles clench down on emptiness, and it gave her a feeling of loss. Oh, yes, there. That didn't exist before today, but suddenly it ached as if it pulsed and needed and wanted of its own accord. How strange, how wonderful.
Natasha sped up her pace, her own breath coming short as she ground down with harder, shorter strokes. Loki cried out again, hands curling into fists. "I need," she panted helplessly, hips bucking against Natasha's. "Please..."
"You're such a good girl like this, aren't you? Pretty and dripping wet for me?"
Keep talking, Loki silently begged, her mouth so dry from gasping for air. Natasha's filthy statement quickened her heart, and she wanted more.
"If I had toys here with me, you'd let me fuck you. Put a cock in there, fuck you hard and fast, make you come so hard you don't know who you are anymore. I'd fuck your ass, too, make you scream for me."
"Yes, yes, I want it, I'll take it," Loki gasped, not caring what she said anymore.
"Bend you over, fuck you from behind, pull on your hair, make you feel me as I fucked you hard," Natasha gasped, hips snapping. She had to be close, and Loki whined, wanting to watch her come done. She could feel herself, wet and aching, needing Natasha to fill her up. She was empty, she was lost, Natasha knew the way to wholeness.
"Harder," Loki agreed, tilting her hips. She felt so slick, so wanton, so wanted, and she would do anything Natasha asked her to do.
Natasha made a soft keening noise, but kept rubbing against Loki until her vision whited out and she nearly screamed. She moaned with loss when Natasha moved, but she was knee-walking along the bed until she came to Loki's head. Without another word, she swung one leg over the side and gripped the headboard. "Make me come, Loki," she commanded, voice strong and showing no rough edges as Loki's was. "Be a good girl, and I'll be good to you."
"Yes," she said, smiling up at Natasha and then eagerly diving in. She loved how Natasha tasted, and she was slick from her orgasm. Loki laved at her with her tongue, lapping at the juices and nipping at the tender flesh. This she knew how to do, and she moved as hard and fast as she dared to over Natasha's clit. She could ignore the ache between her legs as long as she pleased Natasha, as long as she kept up a litany of her filthy plans for Loki's new body. Yes, she would use clamps on her nipples, let Natasha bend her over to doubly penetrate her with dildos or vibrators, let Natasha spank her or take a flogger to her back. She would do anything, anything at all, as long as Natasha was pleased. As long as Natasha wanted her, as long as she could belong to her, as long as she had a place.
When Natasha came, Loki slowed her pace so Natasha could come down from the high. For the effort, Natasha slid her fingers into Loki's slick slit, making her cry out in ecstasy. Three fingers in, thumb at her clit, Loki's hips shifting and jerking of their own accord. Natasha was straddling one thigh to keep her from moving too much, and Loki could feel Natasha's wet quim rubbing against her skin. Too much, too much, over too soon but Natasha didn't stop, didn't let her even come down from the high before taking her higher still. Loki had no idea she could feel this way, found herself begging for more, more, just let her feel, please, more of this, don't let her be lost, don't let go of her, don't let the monsters devour her, please keep the darkness away, please, please, please, take the nightmares away, let the memories drown beneath this, please, I love you, I love you, I love you...
Loki shattered, her entire body falling limp and boneless against the bed.
Natasha came again from grinding against Loki's thigh, and she gently reached over to pull her wrists free. She cradled Loki's face in her hands and kissed her lips tenderly, a lover's kiss, something she had never done for Emilia. "You were so good, Loki," Natasha crooned softly, licking at her parted lips. "You did well."
She needed to hear it, and leaned into Natasha's kiss. With difficulty, she brought her arms down, fingers shaking. Loki could only whimper as Natasha pulled her into a tight embrace, as the haze in her mind settled down a little. She felt so small and helpless as she clung to Natasha, but safe at the same time. She was safe here. It would be fine, she wouldn't be hurt again.
Opening her eyes a little, Loki saw through her own dark hair and caught sight of Natasha's. The spy had dyed her hair the same exact shade as Loki's. It was shorter, pulled back in a messy bun so that the ends looked spiky, but their hair was the same color now. They were the same. Her heart sang wildly in her chest, some measure of camaraderie and almost ownership. Of course she had been silly before. Fear and nightmares and Amora's awful threats had warred in Loki's mind and poisoned it. Natasha cared. Of course Natasha cared. Natasha saved her from Amora and Skrall, saved her from the pain as long as she could stand it, longer than Loki had wanted her to. There was that bond between them, the bond that Loki didn't make and couldn't control. Natasha wanted her. Natasha wanted her.
Nearly sobbing with relief, Loki clung to Natasha as the shivers began to wrack her body. She let her eyes slide shut as Natasha tightened her grip. She belonged, she belonged, she hadn't driven everyone away, she wasn't a failure, she wasn't as terrible as she feared. Oh, she was evil, had done monstrous things, certainly didn't deserve love in the truest sense. But she wasn't alone, wasn't going to be left for the beasts in the dark to devour. Natasha would never let that happen to her. Natasha would keep her from becoming the beast in the dark, and her own treacherous desires wouldn't consume her. Natasha would keep her safe.
"Better?" Natasha asked after a while, voice soft. Loki nodded against her breasts, eyes still closed. Her entire body was loose and relaxed, remade without the terrible tension. It might come back again-all of her nightmares usually did, tangled, frightening and shadowy things that she couldn't name once awake-but Natasha would keep her safe.
It was a mantra that she believed in as strongly as she believed in Yggdrasil.
"Good," Natasha said, soft voice thick with her approval. Loki was good, Loki listened and took what Natasha gave her. That was the way it should be, and meant she could stay. "Go wash up, okay? You're all sticky."
Loki walked to the bathroom on wobbly legs, feeling as skittish and weak as a newborn colt. But that was the way of it, wasn't it? She was reformed, made new, washed clean until the next time she befouled herself with the impulses she couldn't control. Without Natasha even having to ask, Loki brought a damp washcloth after she was done cleansing herself, and took her time cleaning Natasha, nuzzling her thigh almost as a cat would. Loki even purred when Natasha stroked her hair, fingertips massaging the base of her skull. She let her eyes slide shut and inhaled the scent of Natasha's musk, breathing in deep and feeling at peace.
"Oh."
Loki pulled back, the haze of pleasure and pleasing Natasha making her movements slow and languid still. This was a good session, sending Loki deep into subspace. She didn't want to come out of it, but there was Emilia in the doorway, housekeeping keycard in hand, looking at them and appearing dumbfounded and lost. Loki could relate; who did Emilia belong to? Ophelia wouldn't do this for her, would she? Emilia didn't know anyone else in Austria but Ophelia and Maia, and she was so drawn to her work. Why else would she let a stranger take her to bed and open up about her innermost feelings? She craved someone to belong to.
While Loki could understand it, she wasn't about to share Natasha, either.
"Emilia," Natasha said, not taking her hand away from the back of Loki's skull. Oh, that made her want to preen and boast about being wholly Natasha's.
"Sorry. Um. I stole this from the housekeeper and convinced a clerk to give me your room number." Emilia flushed at the sight of Loki kneeling between Natasha's spread legs, their nakedness and activity painfully obvious. "Um. I'm sorry. But I don't have your number, and I really... I don't know anyone else. I..." She was in near tears and looked helpless and lost. Loki had felt that way not too long ago, but couldn't find any sympathy for the poor woman.
Natasha looked down at Loki, and she understood that Natasha was asking her without words if she was ready for their scene to end. After she came down from her highs, there were no specific rituals to signal its end. Sometimes Natasha simply said they were done. She couldn't say that aloud now without giving away Loki's secret, and it warmed her heart immensely to know that Natasha would even protect her from strangers.
"I'm Laurel," Loki said, pulling back from Natasha. When Natasha rose to her feet, Loki pulled up the discarded sheet from the floor and wrapped it around herself. Natasha didn't bother, simply wearing her nudity as if it was an evening gown.
"Do you want me to go?" Emilia asked Natasha, her expression clear that she was afraid Natasha would say yes. She really had nowhere else to go. That was likely one of the things that drew Ophelia Sarkissian to her, and one of the reasons why Natasha had targeted her.
"Close the door," Natasha said, striding forward and pushing it shut. "What's happened?"
Emilia's eyes flicked from Natasha to Loki, and she licked her lips nervously. Loki sat on the edge of the bed, keeping her expression neutral and her eyes on Emilia. She didn't have to defend her territory. Natasha could do that herself. She was strong, she could do anything. She had saved Loki, and Loki was safe here.
"I called her. Like we talked about at lunch." Her stance was one of barely contained agitation and anxiety. Loki almost felt sorry for her. Almost. She should have had more time in Natasha's bed if not for this woman interrupted.
"And?" Natasha prompted when Emilia fell silent.
"She doesn't care. I've been her thing on the side. She's been involved with someone for years, and only wanted me to find her large enough properties to do her research, and only because I was fucking convenient, because she was working with my aunt!" Emilia wailed, bursting into tears.
Natasha pulled a face and had Emilia sit down in the armchair across from the bed. "So she's breaking up with you for good?"
"She doesn't need me anymore." Emilia sniffled and looked at Natasha piteously. "Because I really am useless and stupid, and I never knew what she was up to. Three years of my life wasted on that selfish bitch."
Rubbing Emilia's arm gently, Natasha cast a sideways glance back toward Loki. "So... What do you want to do?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, she used you and was horrible. Do you want to get even?"
Emilia blinked, and Loki wanted to shake her. She could see where Natasha was going with this, even if Emilia couldn't. Stupid girl.
"You've been with her three years, Emilia. You know everything about your ex, right? So why not stick it to her where it hurts? If she loves her business more than you, start messing with it."
"I guess I do. I mean, she's in business with my aunt Maia and I've done the books there a bunch of times. I can get her financials easy."
Natasha gave her an encouraging smile. "So hey, you could go messing that up."
"But I don't want to hurt Maia. I couldn't do that to her."
"I'm sure you'll think of something."
"Or could you come with me?" Emilia asked, looking hopeful as she sniffled and rubbed at her eyes. "I mean, you said you're in business, something like that. You could figure out how to make it really hurt." Emilia's face fell when Natasha looked back toward Loki. Oh, how that warmed Loki's heart. Natasha valued her opinion. How long had it been since she had felt that way?
"Hang on." Natasha went to Loki's side and ducked her head low. "You don't have to go, you can stay here," she said. In a softer voice, she whispered "I can handle it myself."
"I'll send copies," Loki whispered back, pressing her lips against Natasha's cheek. "Invisible ones, in case you need me."
Natasha pulled back with a smile and then went to her suitcase. "Is it far? Because I don't really know my way around," she said to Emilia.
"You're really going to come along with me?" Emilia asked, face lighting up with hope. "No, it's not far at all." She watched as Natasha dressed quickly. "You know, you were right about your ex being a lying bitch." She grinned at Natasha's look of surprise. "She said you were awful and useless, right? And hit you? Well, you only met me yesterday, but you met me for lunch and now you're heading out with me just because my ex is a lying, filthy bitch. So both of them were liars, because an awful person wouldn't be doing this."
She gave Emilia a smile. "You may have a point there." She slipped on her boots and grabbed her purse. "So let's go get some revenge."
Splitting her consciousness three ways, Loki crafted two invisible doubles to follow Natasha and Emilia to the warehouse district where Maia's property was located. They got in easily with Emilia's keys, and went straight to the office to rifle through files in the cabinets and on the computer. Natasha offered to take the computer, and deftly went through its file structure and commonly used programs to trace where Emilia or Maia would have put important files. She wasn't just looking for the financial data, but for any potential ties to AIM or Hydra. Whatever might have been useful, she copied onto a flash drive while Emilia wasn't looking. She was absorbed in going through the file cabinets, every once in a while sniffling. Probably when she saw Ophelia's name, if Loki had to guess. One of Loki's copies looked over Emilia's shoulder, but it was all invoices and ordinary day to day business expenses.
"There has to be something," Natasha said after a moment, palming the flash drive. The other Loki copy took it from her and then slid it into her bra. Loki was rather proud of that sleight of hand, if only because she could stroke Natasha in Emilia's sight without the idiot knowing what was happening. Loki may have grinned a lot at that thought, though she wouldn't have admitted to such a thing.
"There's an office I don't have access to two doors down," Emilia offered, shutting her drawer. "You know, this idea sounded much better while I was upset."
"You still look upset to me," Natasha pointed out.
"Masha," Emilia sighed, scrubbing at her face. "I don't think I should do this after all."
"Go there," Natasha said sotto voce to the invisible copy next to her, sliding another flash drive out of her pocket for the copy to take. One of the Loki copies left the office for the one in question; it was an easy spell to slide through the door to look for things Natasha would be interested in. Since one copy had watched her move through the computer, Loki was able to do the same on this one, copying files to the flash drive. This computer was far more interesting than Emilia's, and had more accounts and documents regarding research that Hydra was working on, as well as information they were stealing from various smaller organizations.
Loki powered down the computer and moved to the cabinets and drawers, looking for similar information. Locked and false bottomed drawers didn't faze her in the slightest, and it was child's play for the copy to make copies of the hidden files. She didn't even bother to figure out if it was the same kind of information Natasha had been saving from the computer; if it was hidden away, it was worth copying, in her opinion. Natasha could sort it all out later.
While Emilia and Natasha had to leave and wander through the streets, Loki's copy in the office simply snapped back into the original Loki. The flash drive and files were then safely hidden inside of Natasha's suitcase until she could evaluate them, and Loki simply stretched and lounged on the bed, pleased with herself. Natasha would heap praises upon her, would give one of her rare true smiles, would hold her close and say how proud she was.
One ghostly copy of Loki was enough to trail behind the pair until they came back to the hotel with little to show for Emilia's paltry efforts at revenge. Natasha gave her a commiserating hug and bid her good night and good luck for finding someone better than Ophelia; it even sounded like she meant it. The last copy snapped back into Loki as Natasha returned to her room, a slight sting in her chest making her gasp. Usually it didn't feel like anything when her copies returned to her, but this one apparently had passed through Natasha. Loki supposed that it was the crackle and static of Natasha's healing magic that made the recombination tingle so.
Natasha came to sit on the bed beside Loki's sprawled form. Her fingers trailed gently along Loki's bare arm. "Doing all right?"
Loki sat up, sheet falling from her body as she reached for Natasha. "It's better now that you're here," she murmured, letting her hand curl around the back of Natasha's neck. She pulled her close and kissed her tenderly, tongue brushing across Natasha's lips. "It's difficult using that much magic while split apart." Loki would never admit this to anyone else; it used to be that she lied about that, claiming that it came easily.
"The conference ends tomorrow, and then we'll head back to New York."
"You'll miss doing things like this," Loki murmured, stroking the back of her neck.
"Somehow, I don't think being Ambassador to Asgard will be all that tedious," she replied dryly, patting Loki's thigh gently. "Your mother didn't seem all that comfortable with violence when she saw us wounded."
Snorting, Loki shook her head. "Frigga is no stranger to violence. She had some manner of training with the sword and staff, and has a number of healing spells at her disposal." Loki's lips curled into an amused smile. "You believed her fragile?"
Natasha sighed. "She was convincing."
"Primary defense of most casters is to appear delicate."
"Because then they're underestimated," Natasha reasoned. She used that tactic herself on more than one occasion, and hadn't thought that Frigga would need to do that with her.
"Precisely," Loki said with a nod. She let her hand fall from Natasha's neck, fingers trailing down her spine. "There are very few things she values."
"You're one of them."
Loki froze, unable to even breathe. "No."
"Why else lie and make me think she's helpless? Between that and Odin making it clear that you can never go to Asgard, it means you have nothing and no one left."
There was a reason for this conversation, wasn't there? Loki couldn't recall it. Breathing was too difficult to do at the moment, and thinking seemed impossible. Good thing she was with Natasha, who could possibly do the thinking for her.
Natasha pulled Loki against her and kissed her forehead. "Why don't you sleep? It's been a long day for you, and you'll need rest."
A paroxysm of fear flashed through Loki for a moment. Nightmares had come with sleep before, and she wasn't sure if that would change now that she was female. What if it didn't? What if the pain came back, and the weight of the chains pressed into her? What if Amora's fires came for her? Or the laughter changed into that of Thanos, and the cold abyss beckoned if he didn't lie and lie and lie...
"I'm here," Natasha murmured, lips still against Loki's forehead. "I'll keep the nightmares away from you tonight. I'll keep you safe, I promise."
Loki burrowed her face into Natasha's neck as she threw her arms around her. One shuddering breath, and then Natasha's arms came to encircle her. "I can stay here with you, then?"
She didn't stay with Natasha very long after sessions. They separated ways, and there was only the very rare instance when they slept together. The last time they had both been wounded, and before that was under the influence of one of Amora's rings.
This time, it was her idea. She wanted Loki to stay. She was going to protect her, wouldn't let the demons get her. It was everything Loki wanted and needed.
And indeed, there were no nightmares that night.
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To Chapter Three - Wearing A New Face