To Feel Safe Again, 3/3. NC-17
Title: To Feel Safe Again
Series: #9 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Natasha reluctantly agreed to let Loki tag along to Austria as an invisible bodyguard. What happened next was something neither of them bargained for.
Prior chapters:
One - Playing A Role
Two - Diving Deep
Three - Wearing A New Face
Considering the fact that SHIELD facial recognition software was looking for the male version of Loki, it seemed safe enough to bring her into Avengers Tower. It was noticed immediately that Natasha hadn't returned alone, though most of the Avengers were too polite to say much about it in front of the pair. Natasha's hair hung in loose waves, and she wore a leather jacket over jeans and a shirt. Loki hadn't fit into Natasha's wardrobe, so she simply refashioned her leather armor into a coat and pants, and the other garments into a bra and blouse. Clint arched a brow at Natasha, and she dipped her chin sharply, indicating she would explain later.
"Wait," Tony was saying, pushing his way toward the brunettes. "Who's she?"
"Someone you officially know nothing about," Natasha replied.
"This is SHIELD spy stuff, isn't it?" he asked, throwing up his hands. "It's not enough that they send you places where you pretend to be other people?"
Natasha gave him a level look. "What do you think?"
Tony blew out a frustrated breath and then stalked off in the direction of his lab, muttering under his breath. Natasha figured it was only a matter of time before he and Bruce realized that this mysterious woman carried the same magical signature as Loki. She grabbed Loki's arm and mouthed Get Steve at Clint. They would have to do a little damage control before she gave her report to SHIELD.
At Natasha's nod, Loki threw up silencing spells around the four of them. "Who's your friend?" Steve asked, looking at Loki in concern. "Is she in trouble?"
"Yeah, you could say that," Natasha said. For a moment, she considered lying, but there was no real point to it here. "This is Loki."
Clint and Steve both gawked at Loki. "What?"
"Shape shifting, I'm assuming. I didn't ask."
Natasha had deliberately left it as a vague invitation for Loki to explain if she wished. Loki looked as if she would balk, but after a moment, she crossed her arms beneath her breasts. "I did not wish to remain as I was," she said finally. Her gaze rested on Natasha, though Clint and Steve openly stared at her.
"Not an illusion, in other words," Natasha clarified for her. "Loki's really female right now."
"How long will that last?" Steve asked, brows furrowed.
"Until I choose to change my form again, which I do not wish to do at this time." There was a measure of challenge in her voice, and Natasha repressed the urge to roll her eyes.
"The point is," Natasha said, giving Loki a sour look, "this is still Loki. Short of opening portals to different realms, she's got nowhere to go besides here or a SHIELD lockdown facility."
"Possibly not a bad idea," Clint intoned.
Loki bared her teeth at Clint, but Natasha placed a hand on her arm to quiet her. "Never," she hissed at Clint. Natasha's grip tightened, but it was supportive and not punitive.
"We need ground rules," Natasha said, voice sharp.
"And what to do if they're broken," Steve said, looking at Loki. "Because let's face it, you're not the most trustworthy person around. If we're going to stick our necks out, there has to be some guarantee on your part."
Natasha kept her expression impassive when Loki frowned and looked at her for some kind of support. "I already have one bargain struck."
"This is separate," Steve replied. "This would cover the rest of us."
Clint had his own arms crossed. "Or don't make it. I'd almost prefer that."
"No fire," Loki blurted, throat closing up with fear. "No venom."
Silence descended, heavy and pained. "We can agree to that," Steve said slowly. Natasha knew that the thought of torture never sat well with him, and that he wouldn't want to perpetrate it, even on Loki. She didn't want to direct the two of them as they bargained with Loki; Loki would have to deal with them on her own terms and she would have to stick with it. Even in a female body, Loki had to make reparations for and deal with her ledger in her own way. Telling Clint and Steve how to deal with her wouldn't be doing her any favors. She would have to find her own way, just as Natasha had years ago.
It was a slow, painful process, but at least Loki was willing to follow Natasha's lead. She'd meant it when she said she trusted Natasha, that she made her feel safe. It was Natasha's responsibility not to abuse that trust, which was only too easy to do.
She dealt well with responsibilities like this, at least. Her ledger gave her plenty of practice.
Steve and Clint seemed a little skeptical, even after some of the rules seemed to be worked out to their satisfaction. Suppressing a sigh, Natasha looked at Loki. "I think they need a practical demonstration to trust that this will work." Loki went unnaturally still, though Steve and Clint wouldn't have noticed that. Using her domme voice, Natasha raised one eyebrow. "Open a portal and get the shorter length of chain. They need to see for themselves what the stakes are, or they'll never understand why it will work."
Clint looked at Natasha in concern, but was willing to follow her lead. Steve merely stood with his arms crossed, waiting to see if he should intervene or say something.
Taking a breath, Loki opened a portal. She turned her eyes to Natasha, silently imploring her to recant the statement, but Natasha merely looked at her evenly. Visibly swallowing, Loki stepped through the portal to the apartment in Astoria. She knew exactly where Natasha kept the chain, even if it hadn't been used yet, and picked up the shorter length of it. The heavy black chain was as long as she was tall, and she returned quickly. At Natasha's nod, Clint took the chain from Loki. It was clear that he didn't know what to do with it, but Loki dropped to her knees and extended her wrists, lips trembling. Alarmed, Clint looked to Natasha. "Do it," she told him, voice grave.
As he wound the chain around Loki's wrists, they could see her struggle to remain still, her breathing becoming more and more labored. She remained silent, eyes downcast, a faint tremor in her arms. Clint dropped the ends of the chain and took a half step back, disconcerted by the sight of Loki's bowed head.
When it seemed clear after a minute that Loki was hyperventilating and close to a panic attack, Steve yanked the chain off of her hands. "I think we got the point."
Natasha helped Loki to her feet. "Why don't you go to my suite and rest, okay? We'll have to figure out sleeping arrangements if you're staying here." She flashed Clint and Steve a concerned look. "I wouldn't use any SHIELD housing right now." Loki merely nodded and left the room without a word, hands fisted at her sides.
Once she was gone, Natasha turned to Clint and Steve. "She didn't take down the silencing spells, so we can still talk freely," she announced.
"Tasha, what the fuck?" Clint asked, gesturing toward the closed door. "That's Loki?" he asked incredulously. "What the hell happened?"
"Remember what you were like after the Battle of New York?" she asked quietly. "I'm talking about after the interviews, after the debriefing, when it was quiet and there was nothing else left to do." Clint clamped his lips shut. Natasha turned to Steve. "Or when you woke up, when you realized just how much time had passed, before the Initiative was started." Steve nodded sharply, not saying a word. "Now imagine if you had no one to go to after that, no outlet to work through that. And then more things happen afterward. And then more things, until all reserves are gone."
Clint scrubbed at his face tiredly. "Loki's going to blow up in our faces."
"Probably," Natasha agreed quietly.
"So we have to figure out a way to stop it from happening," Steve sighed. "And as much as I like working with them sometimes, I don't think SHIELD is going to do her any favors."
Clint laughed mirthlessly. "The shrink was a joke, too."
"So we're it, basically," Natasha said. "And if they send me out on Ambassador duties, I need to know that someone else is going to be able to rein her in."
That took a moment to sink in, then Clint turned to Natasha in concern. "But wait a second. If the Asgardians don't value magic or women or things like that..."
"Yeah. If she wasn't just about everything she hated before, she definitely is now."
Steve's eyebrows raised and he looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose that's why it's best that we take care of it. Loki wasn't one to follow rules before, and I really don't see her falling into line like a good little soldier."
"Are you guys comfortable with the rules we worked out?" Natasha asked, looking at them with her concern easily visible. "Because she does follow some. The majority of the rules out there are more like guidelines, but there are some that she holds inviolate. And that means that you have to follow through."
"Like babysitting a toddler," Steve said. Natasha and Clint looked over at him and he shrugged nonchalantly. "Growin' up, my neighbors had little kids. I helped out sometimes when my ma was late getting home."
"So think of it like that," Natasha suggested, then turned to Clint. "Or you're the SO and corporal punishment is allowed."
Clint blew out a breath as he shook his head and waved in the direction of the door. "We'll figure something out, I'm sure. Why don't you go make sure she doesn't torch the place if Tony says something stupid?"
Natasha left the two of them behind to discuss their perceptions of the deal or Loki's new face. It was something she hasn't quite processed yet, but she would sit and ponder it at some point. She had to make sure Loki was safe first; if she felt threatened, she would lash out with pent up rage and desperation.
The goddess was curled up on Natasha's bed, facing the window. The leather coat had been discarded on the floor and the boots had been tossed into a corner. Her expression was shuttered, but Natasha had the feeling that she was barely holding it together. Natasha went to sit down beside her, and stroked her arm. "Hey."
"Where am I staying?" she asked in an arrogant tone, sounding as if she was the one in command rather than waiting on the generosity of others.
"It'll be in the Tower," Natasha said, fingers curling into the crook of Loki's elbow. She twisted a little more and reached over to brush Loki's hair away from her face. "I'll see about getting you a suite of your own, maybe get a suitable wardrobe for you."
Loki turned and sat up, facing Natasha. "Would you have me dependent on your goodwill? Beholden to your abundance and selfless nature?" Her lip curled in derision when Natasha didn't immediately answer. "For they will find me, surely, and your superiors will not be pleased when they find that you've hidden me from their view."
Rather than answer, Natasha reached over and seized a fistful of Loki's hair at the nape of her neck, pulling downward sharply. Loki hissed in a breath, her lips curling into a pleased smile, as if this was what she wanted all the while. "Is it that you want this?" Her fingers tightened, pulling at Loki's scalp. "Do you want the pain?" she asked, running the thumbnail of other hand against the corded muscle of Loki's throat. "Or is it that I see you?" Loki's lips parted and there was the subtle flare of her nostrils.
"I want what you give me," Loki choked out.
"Nicely vague."
"As if you would answer me plainly."
"Where's the fun in that?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Precisely."
Natasha ran her thumbnail down Loki's throat again. "You're getting all wet for me, aren't you?" she asked, taking a guess. At Loki's indrawn breath and slight widening of her eyes, she could only assume she guessed correctly. "Did you think that Clint and Steve will do these things for you? That they'd tie you down or have you kneel to follow their commands?" When Loki didn't answer, she pulled on her curling hair sharply, making her cry out. "Did you think that they'd bend you over and fuck you into submission?"
Loki didn't close her eyes, even though they watered. "If you wanted me to, I'd have to, wouldn't I?" she choked out finally.
"Is that in our deal?"
She let out a choked cry, her hands in fists in her lap. Natasha thought it was rather telling that Loki allowed her to behave this way when it was outside of a scene, when it wasn't the assigned day to be dominated. Something was still very broken inside of her, something very, very wrong that left her helpless and lost. It was the only thing that she could think of, and it almost let her forgive Frigga her duplicity. Almost.
"Is. That. Our. Deal?" Natasha asked, each word carefully enunciated.
"No. But it could be," Loki finally choked out when Natasha closed her hand around her throat and started to squeeze. "You could have me do anything, and I'd be at your command. It could be. It could be."
"Would I do that to you?"
Loki's eyes fell shut, a tear slipping out and falling down her cheek. "I don't know what I am to you. I do as you ask, I push and push and push, and I cannot tell if it's enough."
"Enough for what?"
"I was a job to you."
"Almost two years ago, yes." Natasha let go of her throat and let that hand slide down the rise of her breast. "But not for a very long time."
Loki let out a noise that was something like a choked sob. "And now?"
Natasha let her hand cup and lift one of Loki's breasts. "Our deal is our own," Natasha said carefully, her thumb rubbing against Loki's nipple. She dipped her head close to Loki's lips as they parted in a gasp. "It has nothing to do with my work, and everything to do with what we can be for each other. Isn't that so?" She let out a soft whine when Natasha ran her thumbnail over the nipple. "It's just ours, no one else involved."
Breath fracturing, Loki opened her eyes and reached out to clasp Natasha's waist. "But they have the chain now."
"You know Odin named me Ambassador and Fury agreed." She waited for Loki's assent. "While I'm away, someone has to keep you in line. It's not the same way that I do it, but you need to know that some lines can never be crossed." Natasha rubbed her nipple again, making her mewl and gasp. "And if you're very good," Natasha purred, lips near Loki's, "then I will reward you accordingly."
"Oh," Loki gasped, arching into Natasha's touch. "Oh."
"Did you think I would leave you unprotected?" Natasha asked in her sultry tone.
Loki whimpered, lips trembling. "Others leave," she said hoarsely. "They lied, they let me go, they didn't come for me. And they said they loved me. You've never said..."
"Love is for children," Natasha said, steel beneath her voice. "I won't ever say empty words."
"Are they empty?" Loki whimpered.
Natasha nipped Loki's lower lip. "For people like us, action means more than words. Words can be twisted, manipulated, changed. We trust in deeds, not words." A low moan escaped Loki as she arched into Natasha's touch. "Did you really think I wouldn't plan ahead? That I would leave you alone? That I wouldn't make arrangements for when I have to go to Asgard? I know you can't come with me, you can't try to shadow me or protect me." She nipped Loki's lower lip and pinched her nipple through her blouse, making her cry out. "Because I protect you, too, Loki. I'm not going to leave you alone."
Loki nearly sobbed, hands tight on Natasha's waist. "Will you promise me?" she begged.
Natasha loosened her grip on Loki's hair as she leaned in to kiss her, tongue sliding into her mouth. Her fingers stroked Loki's breast, making her moan into Natasha's mouth. "I promise," she said, hoping that Loki knew she meant it. "There are some things I don't ever lie to you about. It's always been that way between us, hasn't it?"
"Yes," Loki whimpered, clutching Natasha desperately. "And you've never broken, never, even when I tried to make you, even when I was so angry I wanted you to."
"And I never will."
She could see that Loki didn't understand it, was still puzzled by it. She would never understand it, though; Loki was empty inside and needed external validation to feel whole, whereas Natasha refused to ever rely on another for survival. It was a fundamental difference in outlook, so Loki would never be able to replicate it. She needed an anchor, while Natasha continually served as her own. To say such a thing might shatter her, however, and that might send her into such a tailspin that the planet would be placed at risk.
No pressure, right?
***
"Okay. 'Fess up. Who is she?" Tony asked, cornering Natasha as she was heading to the gym. He looked as though he hadn't slept in a few days, which likely didn't bode well for keeping Loki's identity secret.
"Why?" she asked evenly.
"She's in my house," Tony replied, voice hard with mistrust. "She has the same magical signature that Loki has. If not for the fact that she's a she, sensors would say she is Loki."
Natasha sighed. "Because she is."
Tony blinked, thrown by that quiet admission. "Um. Wait. What?"
"She is. Magic, Tony. She went from male to female, but everything else is the same."
"Why?"
"I haven't tried to ask yet."
"Why not? She hangs off of you like a shadow, is obsessed with you in an entirely unhealthy way, and has tried to kill you how many times?"
Natasha thought about it. "Directly? Twice. Indirectly? Three times."
"And you stand there so calmly."
"In my line of work, that's a very common occurrence."
Nonplused, Tony gaped like a fish for a moment. "Okay, this? Not a good thing. I know you're some superspy and whatnot, but that is not a good thing. As your friend, Natasha, this is me reminding you that normal people do not shake off death threats like rainwater."
"One, we're not normal. Two, you do that, too."
"Oh. Well," Tony shrugged. "I didn't say that I was normal."
Smiling in spite of herself, Natasha rolled her eyes. "Did you want to come with me, then?"
"Wait a second. I mean, I know I used to do the orgy thing, but Pepper will kill me, resurrect me and kill me again if I even tried-"
"Shut up and use the brain you keep boasting about."
"I do. It's just that you don't understand when I speak science, so I don't even try. I'm being nice to you, Natasha."
She rolled her eyes again. "Sometimes you need to just shut up."
"You know, Pepper says that, too."
"Listen to her. She's a smart woman."
"I know. That's why she runs the company."
"I'm on my way to the gym. Do you want to see for yourself that Loki isn't going to kill me?"
"Just because the crazy godling won't kill you doesn't mean the genderbending creature won't kill the rest of us."
"She's a she now. You can use that pronoun, you know," Natasha told him in a deadpan tone.
Now it was Tony's turn to roll his eyes. "It's weird. I keep thinking of him as a him, with the horns and the gold and the flashy pointy stick of doom."
"The Battle of New York was over three years ago," Natasha reminded him.
"Some things are hard to forget," Tony said, flashing her a pointed look.
"I know. I don't forget."
"Looks like you do."
"Trust me, Tony. I don't forget. I take care of it in my own way."
"O-kay. I'll trust that it's some kind of scary spy thing."
Natasha gave him a smile. "Good plan. But I meant it. Why not come with me, and you'll see how the interaction goes."
"You're keeping her here long term, aren't you?" Tony asked with a sigh.
Her laugh was answer enough, and she led the way to the gym, where Loki had gone ahead to do stretches and get used to her new body. She looked frustrated, her hair in a loose braid at the nape of her neck. She had dressed in a sports bra, loose T shirt and yoga pants at Natasha's advice, and wasn't used to that kind of dress. Her eyes flashed angrily when she saw Tony enter the gym, but tamped down on whatever she might have wanted to say.
"Staves today," Natasha told her. "I'm not sure the swords you gave me can be repaired, and I forgot to ask Frigga when she was here."
Loki pursed her lips. "There were other things of import to discuss," she said finally. Natasha could tell she was upset about the swords, plus the reminder of how they were destroyed in the first place was likely uncomfortable.
"I'll take care of it," Natasha said quietly. She went to the cabinet of training weapons and selected two bamboo staves. Tossing one at Loki, she nodded in approval when she caught it on the descending arc. "Best two out of three?"
Even though Tony was there glowering at Loki, she couldn't help but grin in anticipation. "I'd like that. There's little enough to occupy me here."
"We can furnish the suite, get you manuscripts or something," Natasha offered. If Loki took her up on the offer, she wouldn't be able to go into her pocket dimensions by herself. She might tell Natasha she wouldn't go for Amora's rings, but Natasha had to err on the side of caution. Loki was damaged enough as it was.
"Most mortal magicks are paltry echoes of infant's abilities."
Natasha rolled her eyes. "It's a start, isn't it?" She swung her staff experimentally. "Anyway, we'll figure that out if we need to."
Loki swung the staff as well, testing its weight. "Shall we begin?"
Natasha's answer was to move in quickly, swinging the staff toward Loki's head. The goddess had to move quickly, relying on her prior instincts to drive her motions. Soon enough, she forgot about Tony entirely, falling back into the rhythm of swinging the staff, stabbing forward and trying spin behind it to strike Natasha. Tony may have winced at the crack of bamboo against flesh, but Natasha only grunted and Loki laughed maniacally.
Steve wandered in partway and leaned against the wall near Tony. Natasha noted it, but kept silent and focused. He probably wanted to keep an eye on Loki and see what sort of thing she was interested in; if Natasha was called to SHIELD or Asgard, he might be the one to spar with her. Clint would more likely try to skewer her with arrows.
After about an hour, Loki pulled off the T shirt and so did Natasha. "I feel like I need to get some popcorn or something," Tony snarked, ignoring Steve's sigh.
"I think we're pretty evenly matched," Natasha said after a moment.
Loki's smile was a flash of sharp teeth and a glint in her eyes. "Hand to hand, then."
With a nod, Natasha tossed her staff to the side. Loki followed suit, then gave her a half bow out of respect. They half circled, and Natasha moved first, ducking in low and sliding beneath Loki's arms. She seized Loki's knee with one hand as she shot past, sending her into the mat. Her hands came out to break her fall, and then Loki flipped up, catching Natasha in the chin with her knee. Loki flipped up to her feet and fell into a crouch as Natasha tumbled back from the blow. She worked her jaw a bit, then fell into an answering crouch. Steve watched closely, in case he had to intervene, but remained against the wall.
When Loki and Natasha started grappling and trying to find a good handhold to pitch a throw, Tony started laughing. "All we need is some mud."
"You really need to get your thoughts out of the gutter, Tony."
"But it's fun there. If anything, I don't drag the rest of you down in here with me often enough."
Steve laughed in spite of himself, then looked over at Natasha and Loki. "Should I start ordering lunch, or were you going to fight through it?"
Loki finally got a handhold and flipped Natasha onto her back. With a triumphant laugh, she got to her feet. "Feasting is appropriate at this time."
"Shower first," Natasha told Loki, heading toward the door. "We'll meet you in the dining room."
Natasha pulled Loki into her suite rather than letting her go into the suite she was assigned across from hers. "What is it?" Loki asked, seeing her thoughtful expression.
"You know I had to go in and talk with the Director this morning."
"You haven't wanted to talk about your meeting," Loki said, eyeing her suspiciously.
"Much of the meeting didn't have anything to do with you," Natasha said, starting to strip off her sweaty clothes and tossing them into her hamper. "But there was the question about where you had gone." Naked, she turned around and flashed Loki a grin. "I told them that I would refer to my magical contact as a she, and it should confuse the World Council. They thought it was a good fiction to perpetuate."
"So they know, but they also don't know the truth."
"Yes." Still with a grin on her face, she headed to her bathroom. "I thought you'd enjoy that. Now how about we enjoy something else?"
Loki took off her clothing and followed Natasha into the shower. She had made the offer mostly to distract Loki from her self-loathing and self-destructive spiral. As she expected, Loki seized on the opportunity right away as they soaped each other up, kissing her hungrily beneath the hot spray of water, hands roaming across Natasha's torso. Natasha pushed her back against the wall of the shower, sliding a hand down to the juncture of her thighs. Loki mewled and grabbed hold of Natasha's other arm for balance, tilting her hips to give Natasha better access. The sound of the water coming down muffled Loki's cries, her hips jerking and breath coming in stuttering gasps until she came.
For all that the shower stall was a large, luxurious space, Natasha leaned into her, pressing her against the side. Loki mouthed her neck as her heart rate came down to something approaching normal, then turned Natasha so that her back was to the wall. Loki dropped to her knees in front of her and moved her legs to make room. Smirking a little, Natasha perched on the edge of the tile shelf, moving aside the bottles of shampoo and bath gel. Once her legs were spread wide, Natasha worked her fingers into Loki's hair, holding her head in place against her. Loki licked into her, hands on her thighs, not stopping even after Natasha came with a soft cry. Natasha had expected this to be enough, but there was almost an air of desperation about Loki's movements, reminding Natasha of their last session at the Astoria safe house. Abruptly, she yanked on Loki's hair to have her stop.
"They'll know something's up if we take too long," Natasha said, seizing on the flimsy excuse.
"So?" Loki asked, unconcerned. She licked her lips and looked up at Natasha with a guileless expression. "You'll take care of it. They'll listen to you."
And there it was, the part that bothered Natasha so much. She was no savior. She wasn't too good or too holy, however Loki saw her. Natasha was a killer, bathed in blood and lies and darkness, a shadow with teeth and knives and a garrote between her fingers. What kind of savior could that be for anyone?
But Loki did finally let go, allowing the soap to be washed off so they could dress for lunch. She didn't quite fit into Natasha's clothes, and dashed across the hallway naked to dress. Natasha managed not to laugh at her walk of shame, and didn't remark on it at all when they all gathered for lunch. Bruce even came out of the lab to join them, which was a pleasant surprise. "I've been working on stabilizing the bridge with Jane," he explained. And it did explain so much, from the rumpled, slept-in look his clothes took on to the dark circles under his eyes. "We're really close to an answer on keeping it stable."
"I'm sure she appreciates all the work you've been putting in," Steve offered, helping to divvy up the Thai food that Tony had ordered.
"If we could just get it to work for more than ten seconds at a time, I think we'd both feel better about it. That's enough time to get messages through, maybe, but not enough time for a person to get into the circle and be gated across through a wormhole."
"Ten seconds is enough time if you moved fast enough and were prepared," Natasha said with a shrug. "It's a start."
"It needs to be open longer, ideally," Bruce disagreed, shaking his head. He looked utterly exhausted, and Natasha almost felt the urge to tuck him back into bed.
Clint looked at Natasha after conversation petered out. "So you're not heading back to Austria after all," he commented, eyeing her casual clothes. "Did it not work out?"
"It worked too well," Natasha said with a shrug, aware that Loki was watching her closely. "I got in, did what needed to be done and got the information we needed."
"But you wanted to take out Sarkissian."
"It can't be me personally," Natasha replied, suppressing a sigh. Of all the times for him to bring it up... It wasn't his fault, he was used to going over her missions like this. Usually she didn't care about the levels and would tell him everything anyway.
"Why not?" Loki asked, frowning and putting down the food she barely touched. "It was your condition to becoming the Ambassador, was it not?"
"Yes, but I'd be made immediately." That only got everyone's attention directed at her, so this time Natasha really did sigh. "Not by Sarkissian. It's her girlfriend, Yelena Belova," Natasha admitted. "She knows me."
Clint frowned. "That name is familiar."
"She's another product of the Black Widow program. SHIELD got me, Hydra got her."
The silence around the table was rather uncomfortable, but Natasha continued eating. "Wait," Tony said, first to break the silence. "How many of you were there?"
"That got out or that got made?" Natasha asked, sounding nonchalant. She knew better than to let her discomfort show, though she really wanted to avoid this line of questioning. The others would figure out she wasn't heading back to Austria soon enough, and they didn't know why this was an uncomfortable topic for her.
Loki clasped her hands in her lap beneath the table, then slid one onto Natasha's thigh in silent support. That bothered her, too; Loki had enough issues at the moment, and she didn't want the trickster digging into her past. All right, perhaps that wasn't fair to think. Loki had actually been dealing with her fairly, which was rather a shock.
"Both, I guess?" Tony asked, frowning. "Is this a trick question?"
"Two got out. I don't know how many were made. The rest are dead."
Clint frowned at the dead note in her voice, and she knew he would ask about it later. But how was she supposed to explain that Yelena had been her friend once, but there had been no one there to piece together her mind? How could she talk about the training or the horrors that they had to endure? It was best left in the past.
The others did at least take the hint and let the subject drop. Later, however, Loki approached Natasha with an almost hesitant demeanor. "She meant something to you, this Yelena."
She saw into Loki, and had taken it for granted. Natasha had actually forgotten that she could see her soul in return. Sometimes the abyss looked back, after all.
"She was my friend once. So I had to go back for her."
"You were lovers," Loki guessed, coming closer. Her entire posture was subdued, frightened of the answers Natasha would give her. Or not give her, perhaps.
"It was comfort," Natasha replied, voice even and icy. "There was little enough to be had in the Red Room."
Natasha was very still as Loki wrapped her arms around her and pressed her lips to the top of her head. She didn't say anything, merely held her until her stiff posture relaxed.
"Perhaps someday you could count me as a friend," Loki whispered into her hair.
Wrapping her arms around Loki, Natasha let out a soft breath, the rest of her tension bleeding out. "Sometimes, I think you already are."
Loki smiled, and merely held on tight.
The End
Series: #9 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/OFC
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-movie. Read the other stories before this one, because it does refer back to events in them.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups
Summary: Natasha reluctantly agreed to let Loki tag along to Austria as an invisible bodyguard. What happened next was something neither of them bargained for.
Prior chapters:
One - Playing A Role
Two - Diving Deep
Three - Wearing A New Face
Considering the fact that SHIELD facial recognition software was looking for the male version of Loki, it seemed safe enough to bring her into Avengers Tower. It was noticed immediately that Natasha hadn't returned alone, though most of the Avengers were too polite to say much about it in front of the pair. Natasha's hair hung in loose waves, and she wore a leather jacket over jeans and a shirt. Loki hadn't fit into Natasha's wardrobe, so she simply refashioned her leather armor into a coat and pants, and the other garments into a bra and blouse. Clint arched a brow at Natasha, and she dipped her chin sharply, indicating she would explain later.
"Wait," Tony was saying, pushing his way toward the brunettes. "Who's she?"
"Someone you officially know nothing about," Natasha replied.
"This is SHIELD spy stuff, isn't it?" he asked, throwing up his hands. "It's not enough that they send you places where you pretend to be other people?"
Natasha gave him a level look. "What do you think?"
Tony blew out a frustrated breath and then stalked off in the direction of his lab, muttering under his breath. Natasha figured it was only a matter of time before he and Bruce realized that this mysterious woman carried the same magical signature as Loki. She grabbed Loki's arm and mouthed Get Steve at Clint. They would have to do a little damage control before she gave her report to SHIELD.
At Natasha's nod, Loki threw up silencing spells around the four of them. "Who's your friend?" Steve asked, looking at Loki in concern. "Is she in trouble?"
"Yeah, you could say that," Natasha said. For a moment, she considered lying, but there was no real point to it here. "This is Loki."
Clint and Steve both gawked at Loki. "What?"
"Shape shifting, I'm assuming. I didn't ask."
Natasha had deliberately left it as a vague invitation for Loki to explain if she wished. Loki looked as if she would balk, but after a moment, she crossed her arms beneath her breasts. "I did not wish to remain as I was," she said finally. Her gaze rested on Natasha, though Clint and Steve openly stared at her.
"Not an illusion, in other words," Natasha clarified for her. "Loki's really female right now."
"How long will that last?" Steve asked, brows furrowed.
"Until I choose to change my form again, which I do not wish to do at this time." There was a measure of challenge in her voice, and Natasha repressed the urge to roll her eyes.
"The point is," Natasha said, giving Loki a sour look, "this is still Loki. Short of opening portals to different realms, she's got nowhere to go besides here or a SHIELD lockdown facility."
"Possibly not a bad idea," Clint intoned.
Loki bared her teeth at Clint, but Natasha placed a hand on her arm to quiet her. "Never," she hissed at Clint. Natasha's grip tightened, but it was supportive and not punitive.
"We need ground rules," Natasha said, voice sharp.
"And what to do if they're broken," Steve said, looking at Loki. "Because let's face it, you're not the most trustworthy person around. If we're going to stick our necks out, there has to be some guarantee on your part."
Natasha kept her expression impassive when Loki frowned and looked at her for some kind of support. "I already have one bargain struck."
"This is separate," Steve replied. "This would cover the rest of us."
Clint had his own arms crossed. "Or don't make it. I'd almost prefer that."
"No fire," Loki blurted, throat closing up with fear. "No venom."
Silence descended, heavy and pained. "We can agree to that," Steve said slowly. Natasha knew that the thought of torture never sat well with him, and that he wouldn't want to perpetrate it, even on Loki. She didn't want to direct the two of them as they bargained with Loki; Loki would have to deal with them on her own terms and she would have to stick with it. Even in a female body, Loki had to make reparations for and deal with her ledger in her own way. Telling Clint and Steve how to deal with her wouldn't be doing her any favors. She would have to find her own way, just as Natasha had years ago.
It was a slow, painful process, but at least Loki was willing to follow Natasha's lead. She'd meant it when she said she trusted Natasha, that she made her feel safe. It was Natasha's responsibility not to abuse that trust, which was only too easy to do.
She dealt well with responsibilities like this, at least. Her ledger gave her plenty of practice.
Steve and Clint seemed a little skeptical, even after some of the rules seemed to be worked out to their satisfaction. Suppressing a sigh, Natasha looked at Loki. "I think they need a practical demonstration to trust that this will work." Loki went unnaturally still, though Steve and Clint wouldn't have noticed that. Using her domme voice, Natasha raised one eyebrow. "Open a portal and get the shorter length of chain. They need to see for themselves what the stakes are, or they'll never understand why it will work."
Clint looked at Natasha in concern, but was willing to follow her lead. Steve merely stood with his arms crossed, waiting to see if he should intervene or say something.
Taking a breath, Loki opened a portal. She turned her eyes to Natasha, silently imploring her to recant the statement, but Natasha merely looked at her evenly. Visibly swallowing, Loki stepped through the portal to the apartment in Astoria. She knew exactly where Natasha kept the chain, even if it hadn't been used yet, and picked up the shorter length of it. The heavy black chain was as long as she was tall, and she returned quickly. At Natasha's nod, Clint took the chain from Loki. It was clear that he didn't know what to do with it, but Loki dropped to her knees and extended her wrists, lips trembling. Alarmed, Clint looked to Natasha. "Do it," she told him, voice grave.
As he wound the chain around Loki's wrists, they could see her struggle to remain still, her breathing becoming more and more labored. She remained silent, eyes downcast, a faint tremor in her arms. Clint dropped the ends of the chain and took a half step back, disconcerted by the sight of Loki's bowed head.
When it seemed clear after a minute that Loki was hyperventilating and close to a panic attack, Steve yanked the chain off of her hands. "I think we got the point."
Natasha helped Loki to her feet. "Why don't you go to my suite and rest, okay? We'll have to figure out sleeping arrangements if you're staying here." She flashed Clint and Steve a concerned look. "I wouldn't use any SHIELD housing right now." Loki merely nodded and left the room without a word, hands fisted at her sides.
Once she was gone, Natasha turned to Clint and Steve. "She didn't take down the silencing spells, so we can still talk freely," she announced.
"Tasha, what the fuck?" Clint asked, gesturing toward the closed door. "That's Loki?" he asked incredulously. "What the hell happened?"
"Remember what you were like after the Battle of New York?" she asked quietly. "I'm talking about after the interviews, after the debriefing, when it was quiet and there was nothing else left to do." Clint clamped his lips shut. Natasha turned to Steve. "Or when you woke up, when you realized just how much time had passed, before the Initiative was started." Steve nodded sharply, not saying a word. "Now imagine if you had no one to go to after that, no outlet to work through that. And then more things happen afterward. And then more things, until all reserves are gone."
Clint scrubbed at his face tiredly. "Loki's going to blow up in our faces."
"Probably," Natasha agreed quietly.
"So we have to figure out a way to stop it from happening," Steve sighed. "And as much as I like working with them sometimes, I don't think SHIELD is going to do her any favors."
Clint laughed mirthlessly. "The shrink was a joke, too."
"So we're it, basically," Natasha said. "And if they send me out on Ambassador duties, I need to know that someone else is going to be able to rein her in."
That took a moment to sink in, then Clint turned to Natasha in concern. "But wait a second. If the Asgardians don't value magic or women or things like that..."
"Yeah. If she wasn't just about everything she hated before, she definitely is now."
Steve's eyebrows raised and he looked thoughtful. "Well, I suppose that's why it's best that we take care of it. Loki wasn't one to follow rules before, and I really don't see her falling into line like a good little soldier."
"Are you guys comfortable with the rules we worked out?" Natasha asked, looking at them with her concern easily visible. "Because she does follow some. The majority of the rules out there are more like guidelines, but there are some that she holds inviolate. And that means that you have to follow through."
"Like babysitting a toddler," Steve said. Natasha and Clint looked over at him and he shrugged nonchalantly. "Growin' up, my neighbors had little kids. I helped out sometimes when my ma was late getting home."
"So think of it like that," Natasha suggested, then turned to Clint. "Or you're the SO and corporal punishment is allowed."
Clint blew out a breath as he shook his head and waved in the direction of the door. "We'll figure something out, I'm sure. Why don't you go make sure she doesn't torch the place if Tony says something stupid?"
Natasha left the two of them behind to discuss their perceptions of the deal or Loki's new face. It was something she hasn't quite processed yet, but she would sit and ponder it at some point. She had to make sure Loki was safe first; if she felt threatened, she would lash out with pent up rage and desperation.
The goddess was curled up on Natasha's bed, facing the window. The leather coat had been discarded on the floor and the boots had been tossed into a corner. Her expression was shuttered, but Natasha had the feeling that she was barely holding it together. Natasha went to sit down beside her, and stroked her arm. "Hey."
"Where am I staying?" she asked in an arrogant tone, sounding as if she was the one in command rather than waiting on the generosity of others.
"It'll be in the Tower," Natasha said, fingers curling into the crook of Loki's elbow. She twisted a little more and reached over to brush Loki's hair away from her face. "I'll see about getting you a suite of your own, maybe get a suitable wardrobe for you."
Loki turned and sat up, facing Natasha. "Would you have me dependent on your goodwill? Beholden to your abundance and selfless nature?" Her lip curled in derision when Natasha didn't immediately answer. "For they will find me, surely, and your superiors will not be pleased when they find that you've hidden me from their view."
Rather than answer, Natasha reached over and seized a fistful of Loki's hair at the nape of her neck, pulling downward sharply. Loki hissed in a breath, her lips curling into a pleased smile, as if this was what she wanted all the while. "Is it that you want this?" Her fingers tightened, pulling at Loki's scalp. "Do you want the pain?" she asked, running the thumbnail of other hand against the corded muscle of Loki's throat. "Or is it that I see you?" Loki's lips parted and there was the subtle flare of her nostrils.
"I want what you give me," Loki choked out.
"Nicely vague."
"As if you would answer me plainly."
"Where's the fun in that?" she asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Precisely."
Natasha ran her thumbnail down Loki's throat again. "You're getting all wet for me, aren't you?" she asked, taking a guess. At Loki's indrawn breath and slight widening of her eyes, she could only assume she guessed correctly. "Did you think that Clint and Steve will do these things for you? That they'd tie you down or have you kneel to follow their commands?" When Loki didn't answer, she pulled on her curling hair sharply, making her cry out. "Did you think that they'd bend you over and fuck you into submission?"
Loki didn't close her eyes, even though they watered. "If you wanted me to, I'd have to, wouldn't I?" she choked out finally.
"Is that in our deal?"
She let out a choked cry, her hands in fists in her lap. Natasha thought it was rather telling that Loki allowed her to behave this way when it was outside of a scene, when it wasn't the assigned day to be dominated. Something was still very broken inside of her, something very, very wrong that left her helpless and lost. It was the only thing that she could think of, and it almost let her forgive Frigga her duplicity. Almost.
"Is. That. Our. Deal?" Natasha asked, each word carefully enunciated.
"No. But it could be," Loki finally choked out when Natasha closed her hand around her throat and started to squeeze. "You could have me do anything, and I'd be at your command. It could be. It could be."
"Would I do that to you?"
Loki's eyes fell shut, a tear slipping out and falling down her cheek. "I don't know what I am to you. I do as you ask, I push and push and push, and I cannot tell if it's enough."
"Enough for what?"
"I was a job to you."
"Almost two years ago, yes." Natasha let go of her throat and let that hand slide down the rise of her breast. "But not for a very long time."
Loki let out a noise that was something like a choked sob. "And now?"
Natasha let her hand cup and lift one of Loki's breasts. "Our deal is our own," Natasha said carefully, her thumb rubbing against Loki's nipple. She dipped her head close to Loki's lips as they parted in a gasp. "It has nothing to do with my work, and everything to do with what we can be for each other. Isn't that so?" She let out a soft whine when Natasha ran her thumbnail over the nipple. "It's just ours, no one else involved."
Breath fracturing, Loki opened her eyes and reached out to clasp Natasha's waist. "But they have the chain now."
"You know Odin named me Ambassador and Fury agreed." She waited for Loki's assent. "While I'm away, someone has to keep you in line. It's not the same way that I do it, but you need to know that some lines can never be crossed." Natasha rubbed her nipple again, making her mewl and gasp. "And if you're very good," Natasha purred, lips near Loki's, "then I will reward you accordingly."
"Oh," Loki gasped, arching into Natasha's touch. "Oh."
"Did you think I would leave you unprotected?" Natasha asked in her sultry tone.
Loki whimpered, lips trembling. "Others leave," she said hoarsely. "They lied, they let me go, they didn't come for me. And they said they loved me. You've never said..."
"Love is for children," Natasha said, steel beneath her voice. "I won't ever say empty words."
"Are they empty?" Loki whimpered.
Natasha nipped Loki's lower lip. "For people like us, action means more than words. Words can be twisted, manipulated, changed. We trust in deeds, not words." A low moan escaped Loki as she arched into Natasha's touch. "Did you really think I wouldn't plan ahead? That I would leave you alone? That I wouldn't make arrangements for when I have to go to Asgard? I know you can't come with me, you can't try to shadow me or protect me." She nipped Loki's lower lip and pinched her nipple through her blouse, making her cry out. "Because I protect you, too, Loki. I'm not going to leave you alone."
Loki nearly sobbed, hands tight on Natasha's waist. "Will you promise me?" she begged.
Natasha loosened her grip on Loki's hair as she leaned in to kiss her, tongue sliding into her mouth. Her fingers stroked Loki's breast, making her moan into Natasha's mouth. "I promise," she said, hoping that Loki knew she meant it. "There are some things I don't ever lie to you about. It's always been that way between us, hasn't it?"
"Yes," Loki whimpered, clutching Natasha desperately. "And you've never broken, never, even when I tried to make you, even when I was so angry I wanted you to."
"And I never will."
She could see that Loki didn't understand it, was still puzzled by it. She would never understand it, though; Loki was empty inside and needed external validation to feel whole, whereas Natasha refused to ever rely on another for survival. It was a fundamental difference in outlook, so Loki would never be able to replicate it. She needed an anchor, while Natasha continually served as her own. To say such a thing might shatter her, however, and that might send her into such a tailspin that the planet would be placed at risk.
No pressure, right?
***
"Okay. 'Fess up. Who is she?" Tony asked, cornering Natasha as she was heading to the gym. He looked as though he hadn't slept in a few days, which likely didn't bode well for keeping Loki's identity secret.
"Why?" she asked evenly.
"She's in my house," Tony replied, voice hard with mistrust. "She has the same magical signature that Loki has. If not for the fact that she's a she, sensors would say she is Loki."
Natasha sighed. "Because she is."
Tony blinked, thrown by that quiet admission. "Um. Wait. What?"
"She is. Magic, Tony. She went from male to female, but everything else is the same."
"Why?"
"I haven't tried to ask yet."
"Why not? She hangs off of you like a shadow, is obsessed with you in an entirely unhealthy way, and has tried to kill you how many times?"
Natasha thought about it. "Directly? Twice. Indirectly? Three times."
"And you stand there so calmly."
"In my line of work, that's a very common occurrence."
Nonplused, Tony gaped like a fish for a moment. "Okay, this? Not a good thing. I know you're some superspy and whatnot, but that is not a good thing. As your friend, Natasha, this is me reminding you that normal people do not shake off death threats like rainwater."
"One, we're not normal. Two, you do that, too."
"Oh. Well," Tony shrugged. "I didn't say that I was normal."
Smiling in spite of herself, Natasha rolled her eyes. "Did you want to come with me, then?"
"Wait a second. I mean, I know I used to do the orgy thing, but Pepper will kill me, resurrect me and kill me again if I even tried-"
"Shut up and use the brain you keep boasting about."
"I do. It's just that you don't understand when I speak science, so I don't even try. I'm being nice to you, Natasha."
She rolled her eyes again. "Sometimes you need to just shut up."
"You know, Pepper says that, too."
"Listen to her. She's a smart woman."
"I know. That's why she runs the company."
"I'm on my way to the gym. Do you want to see for yourself that Loki isn't going to kill me?"
"Just because the crazy godling won't kill you doesn't mean the genderbending creature won't kill the rest of us."
"She's a she now. You can use that pronoun, you know," Natasha told him in a deadpan tone.
Now it was Tony's turn to roll his eyes. "It's weird. I keep thinking of him as a him, with the horns and the gold and the flashy pointy stick of doom."
"The Battle of New York was over three years ago," Natasha reminded him.
"Some things are hard to forget," Tony said, flashing her a pointed look.
"I know. I don't forget."
"Looks like you do."
"Trust me, Tony. I don't forget. I take care of it in my own way."
"O-kay. I'll trust that it's some kind of scary spy thing."
Natasha gave him a smile. "Good plan. But I meant it. Why not come with me, and you'll see how the interaction goes."
"You're keeping her here long term, aren't you?" Tony asked with a sigh.
Her laugh was answer enough, and she led the way to the gym, where Loki had gone ahead to do stretches and get used to her new body. She looked frustrated, her hair in a loose braid at the nape of her neck. She had dressed in a sports bra, loose T shirt and yoga pants at Natasha's advice, and wasn't used to that kind of dress. Her eyes flashed angrily when she saw Tony enter the gym, but tamped down on whatever she might have wanted to say.
"Staves today," Natasha told her. "I'm not sure the swords you gave me can be repaired, and I forgot to ask Frigga when she was here."
Loki pursed her lips. "There were other things of import to discuss," she said finally. Natasha could tell she was upset about the swords, plus the reminder of how they were destroyed in the first place was likely uncomfortable.
"I'll take care of it," Natasha said quietly. She went to the cabinet of training weapons and selected two bamboo staves. Tossing one at Loki, she nodded in approval when she caught it on the descending arc. "Best two out of three?"
Even though Tony was there glowering at Loki, she couldn't help but grin in anticipation. "I'd like that. There's little enough to occupy me here."
"We can furnish the suite, get you manuscripts or something," Natasha offered. If Loki took her up on the offer, she wouldn't be able to go into her pocket dimensions by herself. She might tell Natasha she wouldn't go for Amora's rings, but Natasha had to err on the side of caution. Loki was damaged enough as it was.
"Most mortal magicks are paltry echoes of infant's abilities."
Natasha rolled her eyes. "It's a start, isn't it?" She swung her staff experimentally. "Anyway, we'll figure that out if we need to."
Loki swung the staff as well, testing its weight. "Shall we begin?"
Natasha's answer was to move in quickly, swinging the staff toward Loki's head. The goddess had to move quickly, relying on her prior instincts to drive her motions. Soon enough, she forgot about Tony entirely, falling back into the rhythm of swinging the staff, stabbing forward and trying spin behind it to strike Natasha. Tony may have winced at the crack of bamboo against flesh, but Natasha only grunted and Loki laughed maniacally.
Steve wandered in partway and leaned against the wall near Tony. Natasha noted it, but kept silent and focused. He probably wanted to keep an eye on Loki and see what sort of thing she was interested in; if Natasha was called to SHIELD or Asgard, he might be the one to spar with her. Clint would more likely try to skewer her with arrows.
After about an hour, Loki pulled off the T shirt and so did Natasha. "I feel like I need to get some popcorn or something," Tony snarked, ignoring Steve's sigh.
"I think we're pretty evenly matched," Natasha said after a moment.
Loki's smile was a flash of sharp teeth and a glint in her eyes. "Hand to hand, then."
With a nod, Natasha tossed her staff to the side. Loki followed suit, then gave her a half bow out of respect. They half circled, and Natasha moved first, ducking in low and sliding beneath Loki's arms. She seized Loki's knee with one hand as she shot past, sending her into the mat. Her hands came out to break her fall, and then Loki flipped up, catching Natasha in the chin with her knee. Loki flipped up to her feet and fell into a crouch as Natasha tumbled back from the blow. She worked her jaw a bit, then fell into an answering crouch. Steve watched closely, in case he had to intervene, but remained against the wall.
When Loki and Natasha started grappling and trying to find a good handhold to pitch a throw, Tony started laughing. "All we need is some mud."
"You really need to get your thoughts out of the gutter, Tony."
"But it's fun there. If anything, I don't drag the rest of you down in here with me often enough."
Steve laughed in spite of himself, then looked over at Natasha and Loki. "Should I start ordering lunch, or were you going to fight through it?"
Loki finally got a handhold and flipped Natasha onto her back. With a triumphant laugh, she got to her feet. "Feasting is appropriate at this time."
"Shower first," Natasha told Loki, heading toward the door. "We'll meet you in the dining room."
Natasha pulled Loki into her suite rather than letting her go into the suite she was assigned across from hers. "What is it?" Loki asked, seeing her thoughtful expression.
"You know I had to go in and talk with the Director this morning."
"You haven't wanted to talk about your meeting," Loki said, eyeing her suspiciously.
"Much of the meeting didn't have anything to do with you," Natasha said, starting to strip off her sweaty clothes and tossing them into her hamper. "But there was the question about where you had gone." Naked, she turned around and flashed Loki a grin. "I told them that I would refer to my magical contact as a she, and it should confuse the World Council. They thought it was a good fiction to perpetuate."
"So they know, but they also don't know the truth."
"Yes." Still with a grin on her face, she headed to her bathroom. "I thought you'd enjoy that. Now how about we enjoy something else?"
Loki took off her clothing and followed Natasha into the shower. She had made the offer mostly to distract Loki from her self-loathing and self-destructive spiral. As she expected, Loki seized on the opportunity right away as they soaped each other up, kissing her hungrily beneath the hot spray of water, hands roaming across Natasha's torso. Natasha pushed her back against the wall of the shower, sliding a hand down to the juncture of her thighs. Loki mewled and grabbed hold of Natasha's other arm for balance, tilting her hips to give Natasha better access. The sound of the water coming down muffled Loki's cries, her hips jerking and breath coming in stuttering gasps until she came.
For all that the shower stall was a large, luxurious space, Natasha leaned into her, pressing her against the side. Loki mouthed her neck as her heart rate came down to something approaching normal, then turned Natasha so that her back was to the wall. Loki dropped to her knees in front of her and moved her legs to make room. Smirking a little, Natasha perched on the edge of the tile shelf, moving aside the bottles of shampoo and bath gel. Once her legs were spread wide, Natasha worked her fingers into Loki's hair, holding her head in place against her. Loki licked into her, hands on her thighs, not stopping even after Natasha came with a soft cry. Natasha had expected this to be enough, but there was almost an air of desperation about Loki's movements, reminding Natasha of their last session at the Astoria safe house. Abruptly, she yanked on Loki's hair to have her stop.
"They'll know something's up if we take too long," Natasha said, seizing on the flimsy excuse.
"So?" Loki asked, unconcerned. She licked her lips and looked up at Natasha with a guileless expression. "You'll take care of it. They'll listen to you."
And there it was, the part that bothered Natasha so much. She was no savior. She wasn't too good or too holy, however Loki saw her. Natasha was a killer, bathed in blood and lies and darkness, a shadow with teeth and knives and a garrote between her fingers. What kind of savior could that be for anyone?
But Loki did finally let go, allowing the soap to be washed off so they could dress for lunch. She didn't quite fit into Natasha's clothes, and dashed across the hallway naked to dress. Natasha managed not to laugh at her walk of shame, and didn't remark on it at all when they all gathered for lunch. Bruce even came out of the lab to join them, which was a pleasant surprise. "I've been working on stabilizing the bridge with Jane," he explained. And it did explain so much, from the rumpled, slept-in look his clothes took on to the dark circles under his eyes. "We're really close to an answer on keeping it stable."
"I'm sure she appreciates all the work you've been putting in," Steve offered, helping to divvy up the Thai food that Tony had ordered.
"If we could just get it to work for more than ten seconds at a time, I think we'd both feel better about it. That's enough time to get messages through, maybe, but not enough time for a person to get into the circle and be gated across through a wormhole."
"Ten seconds is enough time if you moved fast enough and were prepared," Natasha said with a shrug. "It's a start."
"It needs to be open longer, ideally," Bruce disagreed, shaking his head. He looked utterly exhausted, and Natasha almost felt the urge to tuck him back into bed.
Clint looked at Natasha after conversation petered out. "So you're not heading back to Austria after all," he commented, eyeing her casual clothes. "Did it not work out?"
"It worked too well," Natasha said with a shrug, aware that Loki was watching her closely. "I got in, did what needed to be done and got the information we needed."
"But you wanted to take out Sarkissian."
"It can't be me personally," Natasha replied, suppressing a sigh. Of all the times for him to bring it up... It wasn't his fault, he was used to going over her missions like this. Usually she didn't care about the levels and would tell him everything anyway.
"Why not?" Loki asked, frowning and putting down the food she barely touched. "It was your condition to becoming the Ambassador, was it not?"
"Yes, but I'd be made immediately." That only got everyone's attention directed at her, so this time Natasha really did sigh. "Not by Sarkissian. It's her girlfriend, Yelena Belova," Natasha admitted. "She knows me."
Clint frowned. "That name is familiar."
"She's another product of the Black Widow program. SHIELD got me, Hydra got her."
The silence around the table was rather uncomfortable, but Natasha continued eating. "Wait," Tony said, first to break the silence. "How many of you were there?"
"That got out or that got made?" Natasha asked, sounding nonchalant. She knew better than to let her discomfort show, though she really wanted to avoid this line of questioning. The others would figure out she wasn't heading back to Austria soon enough, and they didn't know why this was an uncomfortable topic for her.
Loki clasped her hands in her lap beneath the table, then slid one onto Natasha's thigh in silent support. That bothered her, too; Loki had enough issues at the moment, and she didn't want the trickster digging into her past. All right, perhaps that wasn't fair to think. Loki had actually been dealing with her fairly, which was rather a shock.
"Both, I guess?" Tony asked, frowning. "Is this a trick question?"
"Two got out. I don't know how many were made. The rest are dead."
Clint frowned at the dead note in her voice, and she knew he would ask about it later. But how was she supposed to explain that Yelena had been her friend once, but there had been no one there to piece together her mind? How could she talk about the training or the horrors that they had to endure? It was best left in the past.
The others did at least take the hint and let the subject drop. Later, however, Loki approached Natasha with an almost hesitant demeanor. "She meant something to you, this Yelena."
She saw into Loki, and had taken it for granted. Natasha had actually forgotten that she could see her soul in return. Sometimes the abyss looked back, after all.
"She was my friend once. So I had to go back for her."
"You were lovers," Loki guessed, coming closer. Her entire posture was subdued, frightened of the answers Natasha would give her. Or not give her, perhaps.
"It was comfort," Natasha replied, voice even and icy. "There was little enough to be had in the Red Room."
Natasha was very still as Loki wrapped her arms around her and pressed her lips to the top of her head. She didn't say anything, merely held her until her stiff posture relaxed.
"Perhaps someday you could count me as a friend," Loki whispered into her hair.
Wrapping her arms around Loki, Natasha let out a soft breath, the rest of her tension bleeding out. "Sometimes, I think you already are."
Loki smiled, and merely held on tight.
The End