Relieved, 2/3
Title: Relieved
Series: #17 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime, #11 - Open Your Eyes, #12 - Can't Be Ignored, #13 - Make You Ill, #14 - Aim Straight, #15 - Not The First Time, #16 - Friendly Fire)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/Bucky Barnes
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to the rest of MCU. Alludes to events in prior stories and outright references others. Warnings for Red Room mindfuckery, PTSD, violence, knifeplay, BDSM with aftercare.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups. Summary is from Celldweller's "Switchback."
Special thanks to romanovasledger for plotting and characterization discussion. :)
Summary: I made a choice that I regret... A painful picture that I can't forget, now what I see is what I get. It's too late to look back.
Prior chapter:
One - Sliding Back To Oblivion
Two - Offerings
The apartment in Astoria looked the same as it had the last time Natasha had been there. Loki's portal took them directly to the bedroom, and Natasha just stood there, not sure what to do. Her mind was a blank, layers stripped down until nothing was left but uncertainty. She couldn't remember which day of the week their deal was supposed to cover. Was it Wednesday or Thursday night? Or Friday? Their safe word was a name. Anders... No. Not a person's name, a city name. She closed her eyes, ashamed she couldn't remember this. What was her excuse? It had been months, yes, but she should have still remembered something like that.
Loki stood behind her, his hand on her shoulder. "Natasha," he murmured, bending down to press a kiss to the top of her head. That wasn't how scenes opened, so it probably wouldn't matter what day of the week it was. It wouldn't matter if she forgot their safe word-
Andorra.
He couldn't use the safe word when the venom burned through his skin like acid, he was screaming for her to move when it burned through her skin, damaged muscle and bone. He used it in Asgard, the terror of ergi too much for him to bear. He had been a she, yes, she could remember the taste of Loki on her tongue, the feel of her pressing in close, and it wasn't like Emilia at all, nothing like Yelena-
She shivered in his arms, trying to keep her breathing still. It felt as though years of training had come undone. This was why they wanted to erase memories, wipe out personalities, overlay new ones, take it all out, wipe them down, clean them out, start over. Start over.
"Natasha," Loki murmured, hand sliding down her arms to grasp the hem of her Henley. "You don't have to do anything. You don't have to fear anything. This stops when you say it does, it doesn't push past your comfort."
"Our safe word-"
"This isn't..." His voice hitched. "We didn't renegotiate the terms," he murmured, lips pressed into her hair. Was he shivering, too? "I won't. Not now, not like this. You can use the word if you want, if that feels safer. But I will stop if you say 'stop' or 'no' or 'get the hell off me,'" he said, his voice wavering a bit, thick with emotion. "This doesn't have to be anything or mean anything if you don't want it to. But all you have to do is feel. I promise you, I will keep you safe. It's safe here, and only the two of us are here. There's nothing and no one else. You can check if it'll make you feel better, but I will never let anything happen to you here."
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and let her hands fall over his. She gently started tugging upward, a silent order for him to take off the shirt. Once upon a time, she had said something similar to him, hadn't she?
I wish for you to have peace.
"I understand," she said, keeping her eyes closed as the fabric whispered past her face. "You won't hurt me."
It hadn't always been so, but somewhere along the lines, things changed. A one-off turned into something extensive and complicated, unforeseen consequences spiraling out of control. She was out of control, and naked fear shot through her.
"Wait," she murmured as he stripped the rest of her clothing away. Turning to face him, Natasha gave him a level gaze. Her center was off, tilted, and she probably was giving everything away as she stared at him. "Let me do something first."
Loki let her undress him, let her take his soft cock into her mouth to suck. He loved this part, loved how she would kneel, cheeks hollowed out from the suction, eyes looking up to him in a deceptively demure manner. He would feel in control, powerful, dangerous.
But he stopped her before it went too far, his entire body shaking. When she stood in confusion, he was gasping for breath, dazed by something she didn't understand. "I saw this," he murmured when she gave him a questioning look. "Something like this. I can't explain it, it sounds wrong even as I try to say this, I can't-" He took in a shuddering breath. "And this wasn't about me, Natasha. I don't need this now."
"I know this," she said, surprised by the rasp in her voice. It was raw pain, the agony of a soul scraped past its endurance. "I know what to expect."
Grasping the back of her neck and bending down to touch his forehead to hers, Loki gave her a sad, wilted smile. "I know that feeling. I do. That emptiness, that pain, that rage and grief and misery? I live it every day, every moment, every breath. It's what I am, the monstrous thing beneath my skin clawing its way to the surface. I tried to hide it, I tried to change it, and while you were away, I tried to be what you wanted me to be. But I can't shake that feeling, Natasha, I can't be good. Not even for you, as much as I want to.
"But I can help you the way you helped me, the way you quieted the pain. You helped fill the gaps inside, you brought me my measure of peace."
He kissed her then, desperate passion and tenderness all at once. She could feel it, the emotion they dared not name, the twisted and dangerous thing between them that didn't fall neatly into any categories. Tipping backward and sideways and reality slipping from her grasp, Natasha felt the coverlet on the bed at her back. Her legs splayed open, wide enough to accommodate Loki's hips, and she would try to make herself wet for him if it came down to it. Surely she could fake something at a time like this. It was almost reflex, wasn't it? Madame had worked so hard with all the girls to make sure they had their training-
Loki had his hands on her hips, wisps of magic brushing against her breasts, stomach, groin and thighs. Too many hands, too many mouths, and then terror rose behind it. Because it had to be Yelena and James, it had to be a tangle of bodies on a ratty motel bed, in hiding and whispering in the dark about how they belonged together, how they would always save each other, and those promises died in a river of blood.
"No," Natasha gasped, twisting away from the magic. "No magic," she said, looking at Loki in desperation. "Please, just you. Only you right now, please."
The magic disappeared as Loki nodded. Now there were only his hands on her hips, the light drag of his half erect cock against the inside of her thigh. "As you wish," he murmured.
Before she could try to make some lame joke to lighten the mood, he shifted his position and then pressed his mouth to her. It didn't matter anymore if she was dry and shivering, if she felt like a mess. His lips traced her folds and his tongue dipped into her slit. Loki did like this, licking up into her as a thirsty man would gulp any water available to slake his thirst. His fingertips ghosted along her thighs and hips, light, subtle touches, just one pair of hands. The fingers were slim and long, the touch hesitant and gentle, as if asking permission to be there. The desperation was for her affection, not to get inside her skin as quickly as possible before they had to get on with the mission at hand.
Natasha reached down and grasped Loki's head, sliding her fingers through his hair. It had gotten longer since she had first seen him, perhaps because he had figured out that she liked it. She kept her eyes open to watch him working on her, mouth dipping up and down and he licked deeply into her, fingers spreading her wide for him. As his mouth moved up to lick her clit, she sucked in a breath and a bolt of pleasure shot through her. She yanked on his hair to keep him in place, a not so subtle message that this was what she wanted. He flicked his eyes up at her, gaze intense with desire. She grasped a breast and rolled her nipple between her fingers, watching his pupils dilate even more.
He lapped at her folds even after she came, until she was slick and slippery, building up toward another orgasm. Natasha trembled, a James nearly on her lips even though there wasn't the rasp and burn of stubble on her thighs, no sense of urgency to fuck before they got caught and punished.
She whimpered despite herself, and let go of her breast to shove a fist against her mouth to muffle the sound of it. Instinct.
Loki shifted position, her legs falling from his shoulders. His eyes were blown wide, lips shiny, cock fully erect now. Oh, yes, he had always liked this.
But to her surprise, instead of sliding deep inside of her, he left the bed to get the coiled length of black chain. Instead of appearing tremulous at holding it, he looked to her with clear eyes. He wanted her, and he wanted her permission to use the chains.
"What are you going to do?" she rasped.
"Trust me?" he asked in answer.
She paused for a fraction of a second. "With this."
"Then hold out your hands."
He bound her wrists with the chain, smooth as glass, heavy as guilt, stronger than adamantium and resistant to magic. Loki never broke eye contact as he did so, and they were both aware of the inherent trust in this. It was similar to their brokered deal, yet different. He wasn't dominating her, he wasn't pushing her to exhaustion by fucking her until she couldn't walk. This was asking her to extend that trust outside the deal, to acknowledge that he cared for her and would not harm her, and would stop when she asked him to.
And if he didn't, they both knew it would be the end of their association for good.
The chain was lifted up so that her arms were up over her head, and Loki attached it to the ceiling with his magic. For a moment, Natasha remembered Yelena, the Red Room, the shitty motel room and her slim hands, James behind her and then-
Loki cradled her face in his hands, lips pulled into a smirk. "Remember when I found you outside your TriBeCa apartment?" he purred.
Natasha froze, breath caught in her chest for a moment. This wasn't him trying to mess with her head, not exactly. Not in the way she feared.
He turned her around and wrapped his left hand around her throat. The other skimmed down her torso until he came to her hip. Pulling back a little, it tilted her into an angle similar to the one he had placed her in when she dangled over an elevator shaft. That wiped out the memory of Yelena and James and the A frame in the Red Room for certain.
As his fingers slid into her, he made a soft humming sound of appreciation. "Who knew it would come to this? You're more than a pretty plaything, more than what you wanted me to believe at the time. You've come to mean so much..."
Loki kept his lips next to her ear, his breathing harsh as he worked his fingers in and out, a steady rhythm that she liked. He curled the fingers of his left hand, fingernails running along the smooth column of her throat. His hips jerked against her ass, and his teeth came to rest on her shoulder, biting gently. Natasha whimpered and gasped, wriggling against him. She didn't say anything, couldn't say anything. Her heart was in her throat, her memories shaken and sliding every which way. Clenching down around his fingers heightened the sensation, and Natasha had to shut her eyes. There was a tightness behind her breastbone, and she almost wanted to cry at the horrible injustice of it all. She was tied to Loki, he was trying to help, and here she was thinking about James and Yelena and the past and their past and-
She came almost in spite of herself, a ragged groan ripped from her throat. Loki shifted his grip and lifted her hips so that he could slide her down over his cock, and then he was fucking up into her, hard and fast and desperate, teeth at her shoulder and groans in his throat, her cries helpless and feral at the same time. Yes, make me feel, make me not think, make me come and come and come and let me not think anymore...
He spilled into her, growling, and nipped at her earlobe with his teeth. "I'm going to cheat, dear one," he said, a possessive note to his voice. "I know you asked for no magic, but if I use it on myself, to make it so I last for you..."
"That's okay," she whimpered. As long as she could feel him sliding into her, as long as she didn't have to remember, as long as her grief was pushed aside and she didn't have to pretend that she knew how to function.
And it was okay, no tickle of magic along her skin to feel like hands or mouths, just the sweet sensation of him continuing to fuck her, only one set of hands at her hips to hold her steady, his long fingers brushing her thighs. He was marking her with his tight grip and his teeth, and for as long as the bruises remained, she could maybe remember this soft floating, feeling, drifting helplessly in his hands, his possessive growling behind her. That was new, that was different, that was something that didn't trigger other memories.
When Loki yanked on the chains and sent them tumbling down to the floor, Natasha fell forward onto the bed, her arms numb from lack of circulation. He turned her onto her back and bent down to suckle her breasts, his body covering hers. She threaded her fingers through his hair, pins and needles at every movement, shivers wracking her body. Looking down, he almost looked like James, and the effect was startling. "Loki," she whimpered as a hand snaked down between her thighs. "I still remember them, I need to forget..."
He surged up then so he could lock his gaze to hers. "I will not ever alter your memories, Natasha. Even if you beg me to, even if I could find a way to do it, I will not. It is too delicate a process, and I doubt I have the patience to do it properly."
She cried then, sobbing in spite of her prior resolve not to cry anymore. "I thought I was doing okay," she said, turning away from him, ashamed of her response.
"You are," he murmured, moving to catch her earlobe between his teeth. "You know I wouldn't be responding even half so well. I was a terror while you were in Asgard." Licking the shell of her ear, Loki hummed a calming galdr without actually casting it. "Natasha, you are stronger than you know."
"Sometimes I don't want to be."
"Right now, you don't have to. I'm here. I will destroy anything that you ask me to, you know this. I will not allow you to come to harm."
"If I let you. If I ask you."
His lips quirked against her ear. "I am rather self serving, you know. If I harm something without your express permission, you would deny me your bed and your company. I cannot live with that reality, so I follow your rules. Ask your friends, I have tried very hard with that."
Natasha shook a little as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Okay. Okay." It was more to reassure herself than to answer him, but she needed to hear it, too.
"You're okay," he said softly, moving so that his body hovered over hers, but his weight didn't crush her. "It will be less terrible with time."
"You don't promise me it'll get better," she observed.
"Because I know better than that. I still grieve for the child I was once," he admitted softly. "For the trust I broke without meaning to. But I can't let them know I regret it. I have to look strong, even as I crumble. You're the opposite. You look like you crumble, but you're so strong inside, so much more than I thought you would be when we met. I could never break you."
"James and Yelena have," Natasha whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.
"No," he corrected. "I think you just want them to have done it, so that you have a reason not to put yourself at risk anymore. I think SHIELD put you at risk far too often and in far too many dangerous places. I think they finally made you realize you can't proceed that way anymore. You can't be alone, you can't stretch yourself too thin." He rolled over onto his back, pulling her with him so that she rested on his chest. "And it made me realize a great many limitations of my own," he admitted.
"Which is why you can tell me now about them."
"You knew before. I wanted to disagree or be angry with you. I wanted to believe I was inviolate, a god amongst idiot mortals."
"But you're just as fucked up as the rest of us."
"Yes," he agreed with a sigh. "I am."
"So now what?" she asked in a small voice.
"It depends on you," he replied honestly. "I am obviously not as good at this part of things as you are," he added with a sigh.
"What things?"
"Comforting. Nurturing. Caring," he added, making it sound like an epithet.
Natasha couldn't help it, she gave a burst of startled laughter. "Only you can make it sound as though caring for someone is a horrible thing."
"But it can be," he pointed out.
She considered that, and nodded. "Yes, it can be."
Loki pulled her close, and Natasha allowed it, feeling some measure of comfort in it. "The pain will get less intense. Tolerable, even. You will continue and remember, and it will not ache so sharply or leave you feeling more broken than you are." He paused, considering his next words carefully. "Perhaps you would still keep me close, even when you have no need of me."
There was no answer she wanted to give to that, so she stayed quiet, merely keeping her palm on his chest and her body pressed tightly to his. The peace he had wanted to give her had been so brief, it was almost disappointing. He had to feel that as well.
***
Clint gave Natasha a friendly shoulder bump. "Hey, you stood me up the other night. Did Loki ever find you?"
She gave him a slow blink. "Yes. I fell asleep," she lied.
He slid an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "Oh, Nat," he murmured. "It's okay, you know. Being upset, I mean. Not okay to stand me up."
It was impossible not to laugh at that, just as he no doubt wanted her to, and she cupped his face in her hands. "Stupid idiot. I know that."
"That it's okay to be upset, or that it's not okay to stand me up?" he snarked.
"Both."
"Good. I got an idea. You come with me down to the gym and spar. You haven't done it in such a long time. I might even get a chance to kick your ass."
Natasha scoffed at him, and on the way they carried on their usual friendly banter that was easy to slide into without thinking. Another short measure of peace and quiet, a place where she didn't have to think for long. Movement would help, the muscle memory taking over. Move and then countermove, thrust and parry, kick and roundhouse, back flip and slide across the mat as best as she could in her loose clothing. Clint was grinning like a loon, enjoying the fighting, not caring that she was slinging back hits as well as taking them. Loki wandered in at one point, observing them. She called out for him to join the two of them, startling both men, but neither of them seemed to object. Maybe out of deference to her. Don't make the grieving woman feel any further pain, give her what she wants.
Only, it didn't feel like they were humoring her. It was good to move, to add back in the weapons she had been comfortable with. Clint didn't want to try fighting her with a live blade or even her batons; he had learned the hard way through fighting her or Bobbi Morse that the batons hurt like a bitch when they came down over limbs. Loki, however, didn't seem to care if he was struck in the chest, arms, legs or even face. He grinned at her, his sharp-edged manic smile, the threatening one, the one that had faded from Clint's nightmares around the time of Amora's death at Natasha's hands. It didn't seem chilling at the moment, maybe because Clint had seen Loki curled up and shivering with pain and misery, had seen the blood and gouges in his flesh, the quiet desperation in him without Natasha. He was just as human as the rest of them, and the curtailed magic didn't frighten him as much anymore.
As much. Clint wasn't stupid, after all.
Clint stood back and watched as Loki and Natasha switched to live blades. These weren't the ornate and spelled ones from Asgard, but Natasha had said they had similar heft. That being said, they could still slice through skin easily. Neither seemed to care about that, and they fought a touch harder than the average sparring session would require. It looked like dancing; Natasha moved in forward, one blade in her left hand and her right poised behind her like a fencer, and Loki held his blade in his right hand with his left swept back. They mirrored each other, shifted and moved in concert, occasional swinging arcs parried and countered with a ting sound as the steel connected. They were actually quite beautiful to watch, moving almost as if it was choreographed. Clint could see that Natasha hadn't lost her edge at all while on the run with Bucky and Yelena. At least that wouldn't trouble her.
When they finally called it quits nearly a half hour later, Loki was covered in dozens of small cuts all over his body. Natasha had a few as well, but nowhere near as many, for all that her style involved coming in far too close for comfort. That tactic might put her into harm's way, but it also limited the maneuverability of her opponent, while she had no difficulty twisting her blade or contorting her body to draw its edge across Loki. Clint had used the opportunity to drink water and stretch as a cool down, enjoying the show.
"I feel like I should clap," he announced as Natasha mopped her face with a hand towel.
"It would not be remiss," Loki told him, a grin on his face.
"I missed this," Natasha said, stretching. She smiled, meaning it. She felt calmer, a little more settled in herself. "And if we're not running all over the world for SHIELD, we can definitely put aside regular practice times the way we used to."
"I guess we can add Loki to the mix," Clint allowed. "Yanno, thinking about it," he remarked idly, "I haven't seen Steve or Sif around. Those practices with them before were pretty good, but they haven't swung by the gym at all. Think they're doing sparring of a different kind?"
"I thought you didn't enjoy that sort of play?" Loki asked, eyebrow raised. He seemed to be a little rattled, maybe at the thought of Sif still being around.
"So? Others do. I only ask because Sif was teaching Steve swordplay before they left for San Francisco, and it would probably help if they were able to practice with you guys." He grinned at them saucily. "Unless they're working on a whole different kind of swordplay. In which case, go Cap, good to see his social life's perking up."
Natasha decided to ignore the innuendo. "It was great working with her in Asgard. We should see if Sif wants to meet up tomorrow."
On their way through the common area, they were sidetracked by Bruce and Jane stepping out of the elevator. "No way," he was telling her. "No array anywhere on this planet is that sensitive to pick up the radiation signature."
Jane was about to reply when she noticed the others and stopped to grin and wave. "Oh. Hi. Were you going for lunch or something?"
"Or something?" Clint replied.
"More like a break," Natasha added. For a moment, it felt almost surreal, as if she had slipped sideways into another dimension. There should be danger and someone trying to kill her, or a situation where she had to hold herself aloof and separate to maintain her safety. Instead, they were all standing around like ordinary people trying to decide what to do for a meal.
"Same as us!" Jane said. "Research break, really. Bruce is really good at insisting on that kind of thing. I don't always notice when time passes."
"Good for crunching the data," Bruce said, "but not when it comes to the body's needs."
"What are you working on?" Natasha asked, trying to be polite.
"How much do you know about cosmology?" she asked seriously. "We're working on classifying the nature of dark energy and measuring dark matter. So far, we do know it's not antimatter, since there isn't the release of gamma radiation." Here, Bruce waggled his fingers a little self deprecatingly, given he was a gamma radiation expert of sorts. "But! Last summer was some new fantastic data with specific X ray emission spectra. Other space based observatories also found the same data, so it's definitely not artifactual, and it was found in galaxies currently theorized to have large quantities of dark matter in them already."
Jane paused when she took in their blank faces. "Oh." She shrugged. "Probably not a condensed version, huh? Right now I'm just looking into verifying data that's been put out there, and trying to get in touch with observatories to pick up more data that might have better resolution."
"We've also been trying to convince Tony that expanding the aerospace arm of Stark Industries is a good thing for him."
"Aeronautics," Jane said earnestly, "not weaponry or military contracts. If he's able to send up satellites with the spectrometers we designed on them. I couldn't convince other private companies that yes, we designed these and not a team of a hundred."
"And Culver University doesn't have the budget to launch a new satellite," Bruce added.
"You'd think they would, after Jane proved her theories correct," Clint offered.
Jane flashed him a grateful smile. "Yes, but their astrophysics budget was never very large to start with. They recommissioned a military satellite for near-Earth object observations, but it wasn't geared for deep space phenomena. We wound up using public data and applying for grants left and right." Jane shook her head ruefully. "I don't miss that now that I'm on Tony's payroll, that's for sure."
"I'll take your word for it," Natasha replied diplomatically.
"Did you know there's a black widow binary pulsar?" she asked, grinning at Natasha. "It's a whole separate area of research than what I've been working on, but it also has specific X ray components and some gamma radiation. Very exciting."
Natasha merely smiled back. Though she was more reserved in her response, she could probably wax just as rhapsodic about weaponry. "I can see that."
"It's all right. If you want, I can show you pictures of Einstein Rings and the Einstein-Rosen bridges that I've been trying to do the main calculations from. It's very elegant and objectively pretty, even if the physics of it isn't easily understood."
Taking it as an overture to friendship, Natasha nodded. "Might be nice if it doesn't take away from the work you're doing. I have more time on my hands now, but you might not."
Jane merely smiled brightly at her. "Yes, but some wormholes can be converted to time machines, so I just might."
Not getting the supposed joke, Natasha just kept her smile in place. "So. Lunch?"
"Yes! We were thinking pizza," she replied.
"Now you're speaking my language," Clint added. "Are we staying here or going out? Because I know this fantastic place three avenues over, a tiny hole in the wall that only locals know."
Jane looked over at Bruce, who shrugged. "Sounds good to us, I guess."
"We were just sparring, so can you wait for a quick shower and change?" he asked. He glanced at Natasha and then Loki. "Fifteen minutes?"
"Deal," Bruce replied with a smile. "And we'll try to keep the physics to a minimum."
"Hey, my knowledge of physics is pretty much limited to force, acceleration and momentum," Clint said with a diffident shrug, looking to head to his suite. "Astrophysics sounds like scifi stuff to me."
"Some of it is. But the fun part is when it turns out to be true," Jane told them with a grin. Given her work yielded a way to reach Asgard reliably, she knew what she was talking about.
Lunch was good, the company pleasant, and Natasha felt close to her old self again. Returning to Avengers Tower, they sat in the common area with coffees and a chai tea in Natasha's case, discussing with complete seriousness about the merits of New York and Chicago style pizzas for Loki's benefit. He was still unconvinced it was a big enough deal to warrant an actual argument, so Clint declared that they would have to go to Pizzeria Uno's that evening. "And you owe me a dinner, Natasha," he added, poking her side. "No more oversleeping!"
"We should get some of the others with us," Natasha suggested. They had stuck by her through all of the chaos, and she was feeling somewhat social at the moment.
"Don't know if we can reach Tony and Pepper," Bruce told her. "The whole aeronautics thing we've inspired means that they were going to meet some people to see how feasible it is. I think Pepper mentioned Lockheed Martin."
"Good company," Natasha remarked, then sipped her tea.
"Thor would love to come, I'm sure," Jane began. She stopped and eyed Loki. "You'll be okay with that, right? Lunch was fine, but he wasn't there."
"Where is your illustrious companion?" Loki asked, voice heavy with sarcasm. He looked just as unamused when Natasha balled up a napkin to throw at his head.
"I've been doing research, so I haven't seen him in... two or three days, I think?"
"At least that much," Bruce agreed. "I told you to get out of the lab, but I think you curled up on the couch and fell asleep there."
"Too much effort to go to the suite," Jane said with a shrug.
"Well, I'm sure Jarvis can tell us where he is," Clint said. "Hey, Jarvis! Where's Thor?"
"I'm afraid that information is classified."
Though the AI sounded apologetic, everyone in the room looked around in surprise. "Wait, what?" Clint asked. "Classified?"
"That is correct. There are certain parameters that must be met for secrecy protocols to be put into place. I cannot tell you Thor's location."
Natasha's gaze sharpened. "Thor wouldn't hide something like that. So it's someone else's protocol that is in place. Jarvis, where's Sif?"
"I'm afraid that information is classified."
Again, they all looked at each other in concern. This was unusual, given that Sif wasn't even a regular visitor to the Tower.
"Where's Steve?" Natasha asked, frowning.
"I'm afraid that information is classified."
"Okay, this is ridiculous," Bruce said, frowning. "What the hell is going on that's classified?"
"I didn't think anything on these floors was classified," Jane commented.
"They're not. They shouldn't be," Clint corrected himself. "There was that time Loki threw up barriers to block Natasha's suite from sensors."
Everyone looked at Loki, who bristled. "I did nothing!"
"So it's not you. That means it's programming," Natasha said.
"I call scavenger hunt," Clint said firmly. "I doubt it's any of our rooms, because we're not the ones that's been missing lately. Let's divvy up and try to track down Steve, Sif and Thor. This isn't like them at all."
"And I doubt it's some untoward liaison, given that Thor's paramour is right here and unaware of what's going on with him," Loki said, frowning a little. "Whatever else I may say of him, Thor would not break bonds he forges easily."
The three weren't found in any of the common areas or in their suites. Bruce and Jane hadn't seen signs of them on their laboratory floor, but admittedly hadn't looked at the other floors. Natasha and Clint exchanged a glance. "Other floors?" Natasha asked.
"There's several floors set aside for labs below the residential ones. You know, separate elevator and all that. Usually they're accessed by key cards or private access codes," Jane informed them, pulling out her own key card as an example.
Bruce nodded. "There are ways around that. Stairwells between lab floors. I think we should check them out, see what's going on there."
"Let's make a concerted sweep of the area," Natasha said, a businesslike tone to her voice. It was almost like a training exercise with SHIELD newbies, making her feel a pang of sadness at the thought of not working with them again. Perhaps she should call Melinda; she hadn't seen her in a long time, and hadn't even gotten around to returning any of her phone calls since her return to the Tower. Melinda would want to kick her ass for being so stupid as to meet Yelena in the first place, with only minimal backup.
The five of them headed to the main lab floor where Bruce and Jane were doing their research. It was a fraction of the space available, but the rest of the floor was empty. "In case I get into something and want more assistants or something," Jane commented when Natasha asked about it. "Right now, most of my work involves high powered computers crunching numbers into equations and running simulations of the Big Bang. All I really need are the computers, books, tables, that kind of thing."
"Anyone else doing research?"
"Tony has his workshop, of course, that's upstairs. He really uses the entire space, and it certainly wouldn't be classified," Bruce replied.
"So we go down."
Clint and Natasha took the lead, even though they had no weapons in hand. The two of them were weapons. Bruce could become one; Tony had insisted that he reinforced the entirety of the building's upper floors as it was rebuilt, so he never had to fear doing structural damage if the Hulk emerged and ran through walls. Jane hung back behind Bruce, and Loki brought up the rear, ready to cast spells if need be. He didn't even make any cutting remarks to Jane about her lack of physical prowess if something dangerous was going to happen. After all, why would a research floor be considered classified? The work areas hadn't been classified even when he had turned female and was taking apart magical artifacts.
The floor directly beneath Jane's research lab was entirely bare. The empty space was creepy despite the open space and large glass windows overlooking New York City. Perhaps it was the way their footsteps echoed or that it was so sterile despite its lack of use.
Down another floor, and this time there was a partition near the stairwell. It had a key card panel and a required code for entry. Clint and Natasha exchanged a glance, then Clint made a sweeping gesture, indicating that Natasha should try to hack it.
She examined the panels and then straightened. "Jarvis, open the door."
"I'm sorry, Agent Romanoff. Parameters clearly state that there must be both the key card and passcode entry in order to authorize access to this floor."
"If I open this, Jarvis," she said in a steely tone, "no one is using this panel again."
"Understood, Agent Romanoff," Jarvis replied. The door didn't open.
A roundhouse kick knocked off the panel in its entirety, and she pulled out the wires to splice them again in order to open the door. An alarm started blaring, but Natasha strode forward, jaw set, not even looking behind her. The others followed, looking around the area. It wasn't a computer lab, but seemed to be a series of hallways and rooms, almost as if someone wanted to simulate an apartment of some kind.
They all went through the rooms together, instinctively not wanting to separate. Something was very wrong with this lab space, and the silence was eerie.
Until it wasn't silent anymore.
It sounded like wood breaking, a crashing of furniture against a solid object, and some grunting from effort. Natasha took off, concern on her face. Steve was down here somewhere. So were Sif and Thor, and she didn't know what the three of them were doing, but that didn't sound like a very good situation was taking place. Sparring shouldn't involve breaking furniture in a secret lab space that looked like an apartment.
She stopped short, and the others fanned out behind her.
In front of them was a glassed in area near one of the large floor to ceiling windows overlooking Midtown. There were a fair number of air vents near the ceiling in the area, which really was nothing more than a fancy cell. A number of holes were in the glass, all an inch in diameter and spaced evenly between chest to head height. There was a slot with a small ledge, the kind meant to hold a tray for prisoners. A divider seemed to give a little privacy to a bathroom area, but the divider was only waist high and the toilet and sink were still fairly visible. Pockmarks in the glass seemed to indicate that the occupant tried several times to break it from the inside out, but had failed. Inside the area were the remains of a bed, table and chair, all of which had been smashed to splinters.
Steve was standing in front of it, distress on his features as he stared at the cell's occupant. Sif and Thor were with him, watching him in concern. Steve didn't seem to even notice it, he was so focused on the cell's occupant.
Which was one James Buchanan Barnes. Also known as the Winter Soldier.
"You can't do this, Buck," Steve was saying. "I want to trust you, but-"
Natasha made a strangled sound, eyes focused on the Winter Soldier in shock. Her insides had all run cold, her spine stiff and her breath coming in short gasps. He wasn't dead. She thought he had died in San Francisco, but he wasn't dead.
Hearing the sound, Steve turned to see what the matter was. His mouth dropped open in surprise at the sight of them. "What are you doing here? It's a locked floor."
For a moment, Natasha felt a rage so white hot it was nearly blinding. She wasn't even fully conscious of running forward and then punching Steve in the face, causing him to stagger back in shock from her attack. Clint might have said something, there might have been some kind of surprised shout from Thor and Sif. That didn't matter, and she was focused on the figure on the other side of the glass. Raising her hand, she approached it, eyes filling with tears. She touched the glass, knowing she couldn't break it but wishing she could.
"James," she choked out, leaning her forehead against the glass.
He approached from the other side, his harsh expression softening as he saw her. "Natalia."
"I thought you were dead. I thought I killed you again. Like I killed Yelena."
Reaching up, James touched her hand on the other side of the glass, fingers brushing against each other through the holes. "It was only a matter of time for her."
Natasha lifted her head, eyes filling with tears. "James," she whispered, voice breaking.
"No, no," he murmured, shaking his head slightly. "No tears for me, Natalia. I can withstand any tortures they have for me. But you are free. Take it. Leave me if you must."
"Not again," she promised, curling her fingers in the holes. "Twice now I thought I was the cause of your death..."
"I guess that kind of thing just doesn't take," he said, giving her a crooked smile.
"Natasha," Steve said behind her, rubbing his jaw. "I'm sure this looks bad, but-"
She spun around and punched him again. "You kept him from me!" she snarled. "What right do you have to do this?!"
From this angle, she could see the cots, bedding and stacks of MRE's, trail mix and bottled drinks. It looked as though Steve had spent the entire ten days in this place, trying to go through with his misguided wish to have James become Bucky. Sif and Thor likely were keeping him company, having never met James before the debacle in San Francisco.
It likely never occurred to Steve that Natasha would need to be informed. He probably just zeroed in on James, on trying to keep him from slipping through his fingers again. He meant well, she understood that. But he had kept James from her. He had left her alone in her grief. He was so focused on his old friend that he was ignoring the present and had compounded it all by putting him into a cell.
Steve sighed. "You're not happy with me. I get it. But-"
"Get him out. Now." Her voice brooked no argument.
"It's not safe, Lady Natasha," Thor offered, coming between Steve and Natasha. "He grew very violent toward his friend here. It pains me to think of what he might do to you."
Natasha narrowed her eyes. Thor honestly believed he was warning her to keep her safe. He likely forgot just how deadly she could be, and Natasha wasn't sure if she should feel flattered or insulted. "He stays with me."
When Sif and Thor looked ready to join in with Steve's protest, Loki stepped forward. "I can ensure her safety and his quiescence, of course." He gave the Asgardians a thin smile. "This cage, however well meaning, would never endear him to your friendship."
Steve at least had the grace to look abashed. "When he came to, he tried choking Thor to death and attacked Sif. He beat me up pretty good, too. I thought if he would harm us badly, what could he do to the rest of you? I couldn't let anything happen to the rest of you."
Because he had attacked Sam in Japan and left him injured. Because the others wouldn't be able to withstand an assault with a metal arm. Because Steve didn't want to lose anyone else that he cared about, and it seemed almost certain.
Natasha understood it. If she was in his position, she might have done the same thing. But this was James, her James, and she couldn't find it in herself to forgive him just yet. She still wore her grief like a shroud, pricking at her painfully. Yelena's death still weighed heavily on her, and she wouldn't let them harm James.
"Get him out now. Or I will."
Her tone was deadly serious, laced with rage. Clint stepped up to give Steve a pointed look, and both Bruce and Jane were giving him disappointed looks. Loki stood closest to Natasha, just beyond arm's reach of the glass, giving the Asgardians a wide berth. She could feel the crackle of magic beginning to rise beneath his skin. Perhaps she was more sensitive to his magic now. It wouldn't surprise her if Hel had added a few more gifts along the way, if she considered this to be a gift.
Reluctantly, Steve coded in the sequence to release the cell. "Natasha, I'm sorry..."
"I'm not the one you need to apologize to," she snapped, though she was grateful he at least acknowledged the hurt he'd caused. She was on James immediately, ignoring the pained look that flashed across Loki's features. "Жизнь моя," she whispered. My life.
"Душа моя," he replied, gently cupping her cheek with one hand. My soul.
"He's mine, Steve," Natasha said, not taking her eyes off of James. She had said something to that effect when she was handling Loki once upon a time. While it hadn't worked out the way she had planned, had actually seemed to backfire spectacularly at first as a matter of fact, Loki wasn't the danger he initially had been. Steve had to concede that much.
When he didn't argue, Natasha left the lab with James, Loki in tow. After a while, the others followed her out, leaving the lab in silence.
***
***
To chapter Three - Searching For A Solution
Series: #17 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime, #11 - Open Your Eyes, #12 - Can't Be Ignored, #13 - Make You Ill, #14 - Aim Straight, #15 - Not The First Time, #16 - Friendly Fire)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/Bucky Barnes
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to the rest of MCU. Alludes to events in prior stories and outright references others. Warnings for Red Room mindfuckery, PTSD, violence, knifeplay, BDSM with aftercare.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups. Summary is from Celldweller's "Switchback."
Special thanks to romanovasledger for plotting and characterization discussion. :)
Summary: I made a choice that I regret... A painful picture that I can't forget, now what I see is what I get. It's too late to look back.
Prior chapter:
One - Sliding Back To Oblivion
Two - Offerings
The apartment in Astoria looked the same as it had the last time Natasha had been there. Loki's portal took them directly to the bedroom, and Natasha just stood there, not sure what to do. Her mind was a blank, layers stripped down until nothing was left but uncertainty. She couldn't remember which day of the week their deal was supposed to cover. Was it Wednesday or Thursday night? Or Friday? Their safe word was a name. Anders... No. Not a person's name, a city name. She closed her eyes, ashamed she couldn't remember this. What was her excuse? It had been months, yes, but she should have still remembered something like that.
Loki stood behind her, his hand on her shoulder. "Natasha," he murmured, bending down to press a kiss to the top of her head. That wasn't how scenes opened, so it probably wouldn't matter what day of the week it was. It wouldn't matter if she forgot their safe word-
Andorra.
He couldn't use the safe word when the venom burned through his skin like acid, he was screaming for her to move when it burned through her skin, damaged muscle and bone. He used it in Asgard, the terror of ergi too much for him to bear. He had been a she, yes, she could remember the taste of Loki on her tongue, the feel of her pressing in close, and it wasn't like Emilia at all, nothing like Yelena-
She shivered in his arms, trying to keep her breathing still. It felt as though years of training had come undone. This was why they wanted to erase memories, wipe out personalities, overlay new ones, take it all out, wipe them down, clean them out, start over. Start over.
"Natasha," Loki murmured, hand sliding down her arms to grasp the hem of her Henley. "You don't have to do anything. You don't have to fear anything. This stops when you say it does, it doesn't push past your comfort."
"Our safe word-"
"This isn't..." His voice hitched. "We didn't renegotiate the terms," he murmured, lips pressed into her hair. Was he shivering, too? "I won't. Not now, not like this. You can use the word if you want, if that feels safer. But I will stop if you say 'stop' or 'no' or 'get the hell off me,'" he said, his voice wavering a bit, thick with emotion. "This doesn't have to be anything or mean anything if you don't want it to. But all you have to do is feel. I promise you, I will keep you safe. It's safe here, and only the two of us are here. There's nothing and no one else. You can check if it'll make you feel better, but I will never let anything happen to you here."
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and let her hands fall over his. She gently started tugging upward, a silent order for him to take off the shirt. Once upon a time, she had said something similar to him, hadn't she?
I wish for you to have peace.
"I understand," she said, keeping her eyes closed as the fabric whispered past her face. "You won't hurt me."
It hadn't always been so, but somewhere along the lines, things changed. A one-off turned into something extensive and complicated, unforeseen consequences spiraling out of control. She was out of control, and naked fear shot through her.
"Wait," she murmured as he stripped the rest of her clothing away. Turning to face him, Natasha gave him a level gaze. Her center was off, tilted, and she probably was giving everything away as she stared at him. "Let me do something first."
Loki let her undress him, let her take his soft cock into her mouth to suck. He loved this part, loved how she would kneel, cheeks hollowed out from the suction, eyes looking up to him in a deceptively demure manner. He would feel in control, powerful, dangerous.
But he stopped her before it went too far, his entire body shaking. When she stood in confusion, he was gasping for breath, dazed by something she didn't understand. "I saw this," he murmured when she gave him a questioning look. "Something like this. I can't explain it, it sounds wrong even as I try to say this, I can't-" He took in a shuddering breath. "And this wasn't about me, Natasha. I don't need this now."
"I know this," she said, surprised by the rasp in her voice. It was raw pain, the agony of a soul scraped past its endurance. "I know what to expect."
Grasping the back of her neck and bending down to touch his forehead to hers, Loki gave her a sad, wilted smile. "I know that feeling. I do. That emptiness, that pain, that rage and grief and misery? I live it every day, every moment, every breath. It's what I am, the monstrous thing beneath my skin clawing its way to the surface. I tried to hide it, I tried to change it, and while you were away, I tried to be what you wanted me to be. But I can't shake that feeling, Natasha, I can't be good. Not even for you, as much as I want to.
"But I can help you the way you helped me, the way you quieted the pain. You helped fill the gaps inside, you brought me my measure of peace."
He kissed her then, desperate passion and tenderness all at once. She could feel it, the emotion they dared not name, the twisted and dangerous thing between them that didn't fall neatly into any categories. Tipping backward and sideways and reality slipping from her grasp, Natasha felt the coverlet on the bed at her back. Her legs splayed open, wide enough to accommodate Loki's hips, and she would try to make herself wet for him if it came down to it. Surely she could fake something at a time like this. It was almost reflex, wasn't it? Madame had worked so hard with all the girls to make sure they had their training-
Loki had his hands on her hips, wisps of magic brushing against her breasts, stomach, groin and thighs. Too many hands, too many mouths, and then terror rose behind it. Because it had to be Yelena and James, it had to be a tangle of bodies on a ratty motel bed, in hiding and whispering in the dark about how they belonged together, how they would always save each other, and those promises died in a river of blood.
"No," Natasha gasped, twisting away from the magic. "No magic," she said, looking at Loki in desperation. "Please, just you. Only you right now, please."
The magic disappeared as Loki nodded. Now there were only his hands on her hips, the light drag of his half erect cock against the inside of her thigh. "As you wish," he murmured.
Before she could try to make some lame joke to lighten the mood, he shifted his position and then pressed his mouth to her. It didn't matter anymore if she was dry and shivering, if she felt like a mess. His lips traced her folds and his tongue dipped into her slit. Loki did like this, licking up into her as a thirsty man would gulp any water available to slake his thirst. His fingertips ghosted along her thighs and hips, light, subtle touches, just one pair of hands. The fingers were slim and long, the touch hesitant and gentle, as if asking permission to be there. The desperation was for her affection, not to get inside her skin as quickly as possible before they had to get on with the mission at hand.
Natasha reached down and grasped Loki's head, sliding her fingers through his hair. It had gotten longer since she had first seen him, perhaps because he had figured out that she liked it. She kept her eyes open to watch him working on her, mouth dipping up and down and he licked deeply into her, fingers spreading her wide for him. As his mouth moved up to lick her clit, she sucked in a breath and a bolt of pleasure shot through her. She yanked on his hair to keep him in place, a not so subtle message that this was what she wanted. He flicked his eyes up at her, gaze intense with desire. She grasped a breast and rolled her nipple between her fingers, watching his pupils dilate even more.
He lapped at her folds even after she came, until she was slick and slippery, building up toward another orgasm. Natasha trembled, a James nearly on her lips even though there wasn't the rasp and burn of stubble on her thighs, no sense of urgency to fuck before they got caught and punished.
She whimpered despite herself, and let go of her breast to shove a fist against her mouth to muffle the sound of it. Instinct.
Loki shifted position, her legs falling from his shoulders. His eyes were blown wide, lips shiny, cock fully erect now. Oh, yes, he had always liked this.
But to her surprise, instead of sliding deep inside of her, he left the bed to get the coiled length of black chain. Instead of appearing tremulous at holding it, he looked to her with clear eyes. He wanted her, and he wanted her permission to use the chains.
"What are you going to do?" she rasped.
"Trust me?" he asked in answer.
She paused for a fraction of a second. "With this."
"Then hold out your hands."
He bound her wrists with the chain, smooth as glass, heavy as guilt, stronger than adamantium and resistant to magic. Loki never broke eye contact as he did so, and they were both aware of the inherent trust in this. It was similar to their brokered deal, yet different. He wasn't dominating her, he wasn't pushing her to exhaustion by fucking her until she couldn't walk. This was asking her to extend that trust outside the deal, to acknowledge that he cared for her and would not harm her, and would stop when she asked him to.
And if he didn't, they both knew it would be the end of their association for good.
The chain was lifted up so that her arms were up over her head, and Loki attached it to the ceiling with his magic. For a moment, Natasha remembered Yelena, the Red Room, the shitty motel room and her slim hands, James behind her and then-
Loki cradled her face in his hands, lips pulled into a smirk. "Remember when I found you outside your TriBeCa apartment?" he purred.
Natasha froze, breath caught in her chest for a moment. This wasn't him trying to mess with her head, not exactly. Not in the way she feared.
He turned her around and wrapped his left hand around her throat. The other skimmed down her torso until he came to her hip. Pulling back a little, it tilted her into an angle similar to the one he had placed her in when she dangled over an elevator shaft. That wiped out the memory of Yelena and James and the A frame in the Red Room for certain.
As his fingers slid into her, he made a soft humming sound of appreciation. "Who knew it would come to this? You're more than a pretty plaything, more than what you wanted me to believe at the time. You've come to mean so much..."
Loki kept his lips next to her ear, his breathing harsh as he worked his fingers in and out, a steady rhythm that she liked. He curled the fingers of his left hand, fingernails running along the smooth column of her throat. His hips jerked against her ass, and his teeth came to rest on her shoulder, biting gently. Natasha whimpered and gasped, wriggling against him. She didn't say anything, couldn't say anything. Her heart was in her throat, her memories shaken and sliding every which way. Clenching down around his fingers heightened the sensation, and Natasha had to shut her eyes. There was a tightness behind her breastbone, and she almost wanted to cry at the horrible injustice of it all. She was tied to Loki, he was trying to help, and here she was thinking about James and Yelena and the past and their past and-
She came almost in spite of herself, a ragged groan ripped from her throat. Loki shifted his grip and lifted her hips so that he could slide her down over his cock, and then he was fucking up into her, hard and fast and desperate, teeth at her shoulder and groans in his throat, her cries helpless and feral at the same time. Yes, make me feel, make me not think, make me come and come and come and let me not think anymore...
He spilled into her, growling, and nipped at her earlobe with his teeth. "I'm going to cheat, dear one," he said, a possessive note to his voice. "I know you asked for no magic, but if I use it on myself, to make it so I last for you..."
"That's okay," she whimpered. As long as she could feel him sliding into her, as long as she didn't have to remember, as long as her grief was pushed aside and she didn't have to pretend that she knew how to function.
And it was okay, no tickle of magic along her skin to feel like hands or mouths, just the sweet sensation of him continuing to fuck her, only one set of hands at her hips to hold her steady, his long fingers brushing her thighs. He was marking her with his tight grip and his teeth, and for as long as the bruises remained, she could maybe remember this soft floating, feeling, drifting helplessly in his hands, his possessive growling behind her. That was new, that was different, that was something that didn't trigger other memories.
When Loki yanked on the chains and sent them tumbling down to the floor, Natasha fell forward onto the bed, her arms numb from lack of circulation. He turned her onto her back and bent down to suckle her breasts, his body covering hers. She threaded her fingers through his hair, pins and needles at every movement, shivers wracking her body. Looking down, he almost looked like James, and the effect was startling. "Loki," she whimpered as a hand snaked down between her thighs. "I still remember them, I need to forget..."
He surged up then so he could lock his gaze to hers. "I will not ever alter your memories, Natasha. Even if you beg me to, even if I could find a way to do it, I will not. It is too delicate a process, and I doubt I have the patience to do it properly."
She cried then, sobbing in spite of her prior resolve not to cry anymore. "I thought I was doing okay," she said, turning away from him, ashamed of her response.
"You are," he murmured, moving to catch her earlobe between his teeth. "You know I wouldn't be responding even half so well. I was a terror while you were in Asgard." Licking the shell of her ear, Loki hummed a calming galdr without actually casting it. "Natasha, you are stronger than you know."
"Sometimes I don't want to be."
"Right now, you don't have to. I'm here. I will destroy anything that you ask me to, you know this. I will not allow you to come to harm."
"If I let you. If I ask you."
His lips quirked against her ear. "I am rather self serving, you know. If I harm something without your express permission, you would deny me your bed and your company. I cannot live with that reality, so I follow your rules. Ask your friends, I have tried very hard with that."
Natasha shook a little as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "Okay. Okay." It was more to reassure herself than to answer him, but she needed to hear it, too.
"You're okay," he said softly, moving so that his body hovered over hers, but his weight didn't crush her. "It will be less terrible with time."
"You don't promise me it'll get better," she observed.
"Because I know better than that. I still grieve for the child I was once," he admitted softly. "For the trust I broke without meaning to. But I can't let them know I regret it. I have to look strong, even as I crumble. You're the opposite. You look like you crumble, but you're so strong inside, so much more than I thought you would be when we met. I could never break you."
"James and Yelena have," Natasha whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.
"No," he corrected. "I think you just want them to have done it, so that you have a reason not to put yourself at risk anymore. I think SHIELD put you at risk far too often and in far too many dangerous places. I think they finally made you realize you can't proceed that way anymore. You can't be alone, you can't stretch yourself too thin." He rolled over onto his back, pulling her with him so that she rested on his chest. "And it made me realize a great many limitations of my own," he admitted.
"Which is why you can tell me now about them."
"You knew before. I wanted to disagree or be angry with you. I wanted to believe I was inviolate, a god amongst idiot mortals."
"But you're just as fucked up as the rest of us."
"Yes," he agreed with a sigh. "I am."
"So now what?" she asked in a small voice.
"It depends on you," he replied honestly. "I am obviously not as good at this part of things as you are," he added with a sigh.
"What things?"
"Comforting. Nurturing. Caring," he added, making it sound like an epithet.
Natasha couldn't help it, she gave a burst of startled laughter. "Only you can make it sound as though caring for someone is a horrible thing."
"But it can be," he pointed out.
She considered that, and nodded. "Yes, it can be."
Loki pulled her close, and Natasha allowed it, feeling some measure of comfort in it. "The pain will get less intense. Tolerable, even. You will continue and remember, and it will not ache so sharply or leave you feeling more broken than you are." He paused, considering his next words carefully. "Perhaps you would still keep me close, even when you have no need of me."
There was no answer she wanted to give to that, so she stayed quiet, merely keeping her palm on his chest and her body pressed tightly to his. The peace he had wanted to give her had been so brief, it was almost disappointing. He had to feel that as well.
***
Clint gave Natasha a friendly shoulder bump. "Hey, you stood me up the other night. Did Loki ever find you?"
She gave him a slow blink. "Yes. I fell asleep," she lied.
He slid an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "Oh, Nat," he murmured. "It's okay, you know. Being upset, I mean. Not okay to stand me up."
It was impossible not to laugh at that, just as he no doubt wanted her to, and she cupped his face in her hands. "Stupid idiot. I know that."
"That it's okay to be upset, or that it's not okay to stand me up?" he snarked.
"Both."
"Good. I got an idea. You come with me down to the gym and spar. You haven't done it in such a long time. I might even get a chance to kick your ass."
Natasha scoffed at him, and on the way they carried on their usual friendly banter that was easy to slide into without thinking. Another short measure of peace and quiet, a place where she didn't have to think for long. Movement would help, the muscle memory taking over. Move and then countermove, thrust and parry, kick and roundhouse, back flip and slide across the mat as best as she could in her loose clothing. Clint was grinning like a loon, enjoying the fighting, not caring that she was slinging back hits as well as taking them. Loki wandered in at one point, observing them. She called out for him to join the two of them, startling both men, but neither of them seemed to object. Maybe out of deference to her. Don't make the grieving woman feel any further pain, give her what she wants.
Only, it didn't feel like they were humoring her. It was good to move, to add back in the weapons she had been comfortable with. Clint didn't want to try fighting her with a live blade or even her batons; he had learned the hard way through fighting her or Bobbi Morse that the batons hurt like a bitch when they came down over limbs. Loki, however, didn't seem to care if he was struck in the chest, arms, legs or even face. He grinned at her, his sharp-edged manic smile, the threatening one, the one that had faded from Clint's nightmares around the time of Amora's death at Natasha's hands. It didn't seem chilling at the moment, maybe because Clint had seen Loki curled up and shivering with pain and misery, had seen the blood and gouges in his flesh, the quiet desperation in him without Natasha. He was just as human as the rest of them, and the curtailed magic didn't frighten him as much anymore.
As much. Clint wasn't stupid, after all.
Clint stood back and watched as Loki and Natasha switched to live blades. These weren't the ornate and spelled ones from Asgard, but Natasha had said they had similar heft. That being said, they could still slice through skin easily. Neither seemed to care about that, and they fought a touch harder than the average sparring session would require. It looked like dancing; Natasha moved in forward, one blade in her left hand and her right poised behind her like a fencer, and Loki held his blade in his right hand with his left swept back. They mirrored each other, shifted and moved in concert, occasional swinging arcs parried and countered with a ting sound as the steel connected. They were actually quite beautiful to watch, moving almost as if it was choreographed. Clint could see that Natasha hadn't lost her edge at all while on the run with Bucky and Yelena. At least that wouldn't trouble her.
When they finally called it quits nearly a half hour later, Loki was covered in dozens of small cuts all over his body. Natasha had a few as well, but nowhere near as many, for all that her style involved coming in far too close for comfort. That tactic might put her into harm's way, but it also limited the maneuverability of her opponent, while she had no difficulty twisting her blade or contorting her body to draw its edge across Loki. Clint had used the opportunity to drink water and stretch as a cool down, enjoying the show.
"I feel like I should clap," he announced as Natasha mopped her face with a hand towel.
"It would not be remiss," Loki told him, a grin on his face.
"I missed this," Natasha said, stretching. She smiled, meaning it. She felt calmer, a little more settled in herself. "And if we're not running all over the world for SHIELD, we can definitely put aside regular practice times the way we used to."
"I guess we can add Loki to the mix," Clint allowed. "Yanno, thinking about it," he remarked idly, "I haven't seen Steve or Sif around. Those practices with them before were pretty good, but they haven't swung by the gym at all. Think they're doing sparring of a different kind?"
"I thought you didn't enjoy that sort of play?" Loki asked, eyebrow raised. He seemed to be a little rattled, maybe at the thought of Sif still being around.
"So? Others do. I only ask because Sif was teaching Steve swordplay before they left for San Francisco, and it would probably help if they were able to practice with you guys." He grinned at them saucily. "Unless they're working on a whole different kind of swordplay. In which case, go Cap, good to see his social life's perking up."
Natasha decided to ignore the innuendo. "It was great working with her in Asgard. We should see if Sif wants to meet up tomorrow."
On their way through the common area, they were sidetracked by Bruce and Jane stepping out of the elevator. "No way," he was telling her. "No array anywhere on this planet is that sensitive to pick up the radiation signature."
Jane was about to reply when she noticed the others and stopped to grin and wave. "Oh. Hi. Were you going for lunch or something?"
"Or something?" Clint replied.
"More like a break," Natasha added. For a moment, it felt almost surreal, as if she had slipped sideways into another dimension. There should be danger and someone trying to kill her, or a situation where she had to hold herself aloof and separate to maintain her safety. Instead, they were all standing around like ordinary people trying to decide what to do for a meal.
"Same as us!" Jane said. "Research break, really. Bruce is really good at insisting on that kind of thing. I don't always notice when time passes."
"Good for crunching the data," Bruce said, "but not when it comes to the body's needs."
"What are you working on?" Natasha asked, trying to be polite.
"How much do you know about cosmology?" she asked seriously. "We're working on classifying the nature of dark energy and measuring dark matter. So far, we do know it's not antimatter, since there isn't the release of gamma radiation." Here, Bruce waggled his fingers a little self deprecatingly, given he was a gamma radiation expert of sorts. "But! Last summer was some new fantastic data with specific X ray emission spectra. Other space based observatories also found the same data, so it's definitely not artifactual, and it was found in galaxies currently theorized to have large quantities of dark matter in them already."
Jane paused when she took in their blank faces. "Oh." She shrugged. "Probably not a condensed version, huh? Right now I'm just looking into verifying data that's been put out there, and trying to get in touch with observatories to pick up more data that might have better resolution."
"We've also been trying to convince Tony that expanding the aerospace arm of Stark Industries is a good thing for him."
"Aeronautics," Jane said earnestly, "not weaponry or military contracts. If he's able to send up satellites with the spectrometers we designed on them. I couldn't convince other private companies that yes, we designed these and not a team of a hundred."
"And Culver University doesn't have the budget to launch a new satellite," Bruce added.
"You'd think they would, after Jane proved her theories correct," Clint offered.
Jane flashed him a grateful smile. "Yes, but their astrophysics budget was never very large to start with. They recommissioned a military satellite for near-Earth object observations, but it wasn't geared for deep space phenomena. We wound up using public data and applying for grants left and right." Jane shook her head ruefully. "I don't miss that now that I'm on Tony's payroll, that's for sure."
"I'll take your word for it," Natasha replied diplomatically.
"Did you know there's a black widow binary pulsar?" she asked, grinning at Natasha. "It's a whole separate area of research than what I've been working on, but it also has specific X ray components and some gamma radiation. Very exciting."
Natasha merely smiled back. Though she was more reserved in her response, she could probably wax just as rhapsodic about weaponry. "I can see that."
"It's all right. If you want, I can show you pictures of Einstein Rings and the Einstein-Rosen bridges that I've been trying to do the main calculations from. It's very elegant and objectively pretty, even if the physics of it isn't easily understood."
Taking it as an overture to friendship, Natasha nodded. "Might be nice if it doesn't take away from the work you're doing. I have more time on my hands now, but you might not."
Jane merely smiled brightly at her. "Yes, but some wormholes can be converted to time machines, so I just might."
Not getting the supposed joke, Natasha just kept her smile in place. "So. Lunch?"
"Yes! We were thinking pizza," she replied.
"Now you're speaking my language," Clint added. "Are we staying here or going out? Because I know this fantastic place three avenues over, a tiny hole in the wall that only locals know."
Jane looked over at Bruce, who shrugged. "Sounds good to us, I guess."
"We were just sparring, so can you wait for a quick shower and change?" he asked. He glanced at Natasha and then Loki. "Fifteen minutes?"
"Deal," Bruce replied with a smile. "And we'll try to keep the physics to a minimum."
"Hey, my knowledge of physics is pretty much limited to force, acceleration and momentum," Clint said with a diffident shrug, looking to head to his suite. "Astrophysics sounds like scifi stuff to me."
"Some of it is. But the fun part is when it turns out to be true," Jane told them with a grin. Given her work yielded a way to reach Asgard reliably, she knew what she was talking about.
Lunch was good, the company pleasant, and Natasha felt close to her old self again. Returning to Avengers Tower, they sat in the common area with coffees and a chai tea in Natasha's case, discussing with complete seriousness about the merits of New York and Chicago style pizzas for Loki's benefit. He was still unconvinced it was a big enough deal to warrant an actual argument, so Clint declared that they would have to go to Pizzeria Uno's that evening. "And you owe me a dinner, Natasha," he added, poking her side. "No more oversleeping!"
"We should get some of the others with us," Natasha suggested. They had stuck by her through all of the chaos, and she was feeling somewhat social at the moment.
"Don't know if we can reach Tony and Pepper," Bruce told her. "The whole aeronautics thing we've inspired means that they were going to meet some people to see how feasible it is. I think Pepper mentioned Lockheed Martin."
"Good company," Natasha remarked, then sipped her tea.
"Thor would love to come, I'm sure," Jane began. She stopped and eyed Loki. "You'll be okay with that, right? Lunch was fine, but he wasn't there."
"Where is your illustrious companion?" Loki asked, voice heavy with sarcasm. He looked just as unamused when Natasha balled up a napkin to throw at his head.
"I've been doing research, so I haven't seen him in... two or three days, I think?"
"At least that much," Bruce agreed. "I told you to get out of the lab, but I think you curled up on the couch and fell asleep there."
"Too much effort to go to the suite," Jane said with a shrug.
"Well, I'm sure Jarvis can tell us where he is," Clint said. "Hey, Jarvis! Where's Thor?"
"I'm afraid that information is classified."
Though the AI sounded apologetic, everyone in the room looked around in surprise. "Wait, what?" Clint asked. "Classified?"
"That is correct. There are certain parameters that must be met for secrecy protocols to be put into place. I cannot tell you Thor's location."
Natasha's gaze sharpened. "Thor wouldn't hide something like that. So it's someone else's protocol that is in place. Jarvis, where's Sif?"
"I'm afraid that information is classified."
Again, they all looked at each other in concern. This was unusual, given that Sif wasn't even a regular visitor to the Tower.
"Where's Steve?" Natasha asked, frowning.
"I'm afraid that information is classified."
"Okay, this is ridiculous," Bruce said, frowning. "What the hell is going on that's classified?"
"I didn't think anything on these floors was classified," Jane commented.
"They're not. They shouldn't be," Clint corrected himself. "There was that time Loki threw up barriers to block Natasha's suite from sensors."
Everyone looked at Loki, who bristled. "I did nothing!"
"So it's not you. That means it's programming," Natasha said.
"I call scavenger hunt," Clint said firmly. "I doubt it's any of our rooms, because we're not the ones that's been missing lately. Let's divvy up and try to track down Steve, Sif and Thor. This isn't like them at all."
"And I doubt it's some untoward liaison, given that Thor's paramour is right here and unaware of what's going on with him," Loki said, frowning a little. "Whatever else I may say of him, Thor would not break bonds he forges easily."
The three weren't found in any of the common areas or in their suites. Bruce and Jane hadn't seen signs of them on their laboratory floor, but admittedly hadn't looked at the other floors. Natasha and Clint exchanged a glance. "Other floors?" Natasha asked.
"There's several floors set aside for labs below the residential ones. You know, separate elevator and all that. Usually they're accessed by key cards or private access codes," Jane informed them, pulling out her own key card as an example.
Bruce nodded. "There are ways around that. Stairwells between lab floors. I think we should check them out, see what's going on there."
"Let's make a concerted sweep of the area," Natasha said, a businesslike tone to her voice. It was almost like a training exercise with SHIELD newbies, making her feel a pang of sadness at the thought of not working with them again. Perhaps she should call Melinda; she hadn't seen her in a long time, and hadn't even gotten around to returning any of her phone calls since her return to the Tower. Melinda would want to kick her ass for being so stupid as to meet Yelena in the first place, with only minimal backup.
The five of them headed to the main lab floor where Bruce and Jane were doing their research. It was a fraction of the space available, but the rest of the floor was empty. "In case I get into something and want more assistants or something," Jane commented when Natasha asked about it. "Right now, most of my work involves high powered computers crunching numbers into equations and running simulations of the Big Bang. All I really need are the computers, books, tables, that kind of thing."
"Anyone else doing research?"
"Tony has his workshop, of course, that's upstairs. He really uses the entire space, and it certainly wouldn't be classified," Bruce replied.
"So we go down."
Clint and Natasha took the lead, even though they had no weapons in hand. The two of them were weapons. Bruce could become one; Tony had insisted that he reinforced the entirety of the building's upper floors as it was rebuilt, so he never had to fear doing structural damage if the Hulk emerged and ran through walls. Jane hung back behind Bruce, and Loki brought up the rear, ready to cast spells if need be. He didn't even make any cutting remarks to Jane about her lack of physical prowess if something dangerous was going to happen. After all, why would a research floor be considered classified? The work areas hadn't been classified even when he had turned female and was taking apart magical artifacts.
The floor directly beneath Jane's research lab was entirely bare. The empty space was creepy despite the open space and large glass windows overlooking New York City. Perhaps it was the way their footsteps echoed or that it was so sterile despite its lack of use.
Down another floor, and this time there was a partition near the stairwell. It had a key card panel and a required code for entry. Clint and Natasha exchanged a glance, then Clint made a sweeping gesture, indicating that Natasha should try to hack it.
She examined the panels and then straightened. "Jarvis, open the door."
"I'm sorry, Agent Romanoff. Parameters clearly state that there must be both the key card and passcode entry in order to authorize access to this floor."
"If I open this, Jarvis," she said in a steely tone, "no one is using this panel again."
"Understood, Agent Romanoff," Jarvis replied. The door didn't open.
A roundhouse kick knocked off the panel in its entirety, and she pulled out the wires to splice them again in order to open the door. An alarm started blaring, but Natasha strode forward, jaw set, not even looking behind her. The others followed, looking around the area. It wasn't a computer lab, but seemed to be a series of hallways and rooms, almost as if someone wanted to simulate an apartment of some kind.
They all went through the rooms together, instinctively not wanting to separate. Something was very wrong with this lab space, and the silence was eerie.
Until it wasn't silent anymore.
It sounded like wood breaking, a crashing of furniture against a solid object, and some grunting from effort. Natasha took off, concern on her face. Steve was down here somewhere. So were Sif and Thor, and she didn't know what the three of them were doing, but that didn't sound like a very good situation was taking place. Sparring shouldn't involve breaking furniture in a secret lab space that looked like an apartment.
She stopped short, and the others fanned out behind her.
In front of them was a glassed in area near one of the large floor to ceiling windows overlooking Midtown. There were a fair number of air vents near the ceiling in the area, which really was nothing more than a fancy cell. A number of holes were in the glass, all an inch in diameter and spaced evenly between chest to head height. There was a slot with a small ledge, the kind meant to hold a tray for prisoners. A divider seemed to give a little privacy to a bathroom area, but the divider was only waist high and the toilet and sink were still fairly visible. Pockmarks in the glass seemed to indicate that the occupant tried several times to break it from the inside out, but had failed. Inside the area were the remains of a bed, table and chair, all of which had been smashed to splinters.
Steve was standing in front of it, distress on his features as he stared at the cell's occupant. Sif and Thor were with him, watching him in concern. Steve didn't seem to even notice it, he was so focused on the cell's occupant.
Which was one James Buchanan Barnes. Also known as the Winter Soldier.
"You can't do this, Buck," Steve was saying. "I want to trust you, but-"
Natasha made a strangled sound, eyes focused on the Winter Soldier in shock. Her insides had all run cold, her spine stiff and her breath coming in short gasps. He wasn't dead. She thought he had died in San Francisco, but he wasn't dead.
Hearing the sound, Steve turned to see what the matter was. His mouth dropped open in surprise at the sight of them. "What are you doing here? It's a locked floor."
For a moment, Natasha felt a rage so white hot it was nearly blinding. She wasn't even fully conscious of running forward and then punching Steve in the face, causing him to stagger back in shock from her attack. Clint might have said something, there might have been some kind of surprised shout from Thor and Sif. That didn't matter, and she was focused on the figure on the other side of the glass. Raising her hand, she approached it, eyes filling with tears. She touched the glass, knowing she couldn't break it but wishing she could.
"James," she choked out, leaning her forehead against the glass.
He approached from the other side, his harsh expression softening as he saw her. "Natalia."
"I thought you were dead. I thought I killed you again. Like I killed Yelena."
Reaching up, James touched her hand on the other side of the glass, fingers brushing against each other through the holes. "It was only a matter of time for her."
Natasha lifted her head, eyes filling with tears. "James," she whispered, voice breaking.
"No, no," he murmured, shaking his head slightly. "No tears for me, Natalia. I can withstand any tortures they have for me. But you are free. Take it. Leave me if you must."
"Not again," she promised, curling her fingers in the holes. "Twice now I thought I was the cause of your death..."
"I guess that kind of thing just doesn't take," he said, giving her a crooked smile.
"Natasha," Steve said behind her, rubbing his jaw. "I'm sure this looks bad, but-"
She spun around and punched him again. "You kept him from me!" she snarled. "What right do you have to do this?!"
From this angle, she could see the cots, bedding and stacks of MRE's, trail mix and bottled drinks. It looked as though Steve had spent the entire ten days in this place, trying to go through with his misguided wish to have James become Bucky. Sif and Thor likely were keeping him company, having never met James before the debacle in San Francisco.
It likely never occurred to Steve that Natasha would need to be informed. He probably just zeroed in on James, on trying to keep him from slipping through his fingers again. He meant well, she understood that. But he had kept James from her. He had left her alone in her grief. He was so focused on his old friend that he was ignoring the present and had compounded it all by putting him into a cell.
Steve sighed. "You're not happy with me. I get it. But-"
"Get him out. Now." Her voice brooked no argument.
"It's not safe, Lady Natasha," Thor offered, coming between Steve and Natasha. "He grew very violent toward his friend here. It pains me to think of what he might do to you."
Natasha narrowed her eyes. Thor honestly believed he was warning her to keep her safe. He likely forgot just how deadly she could be, and Natasha wasn't sure if she should feel flattered or insulted. "He stays with me."
When Sif and Thor looked ready to join in with Steve's protest, Loki stepped forward. "I can ensure her safety and his quiescence, of course." He gave the Asgardians a thin smile. "This cage, however well meaning, would never endear him to your friendship."
Steve at least had the grace to look abashed. "When he came to, he tried choking Thor to death and attacked Sif. He beat me up pretty good, too. I thought if he would harm us badly, what could he do to the rest of you? I couldn't let anything happen to the rest of you."
Because he had attacked Sam in Japan and left him injured. Because the others wouldn't be able to withstand an assault with a metal arm. Because Steve didn't want to lose anyone else that he cared about, and it seemed almost certain.
Natasha understood it. If she was in his position, she might have done the same thing. But this was James, her James, and she couldn't find it in herself to forgive him just yet. She still wore her grief like a shroud, pricking at her painfully. Yelena's death still weighed heavily on her, and she wouldn't let them harm James.
"Get him out now. Or I will."
Her tone was deadly serious, laced with rage. Clint stepped up to give Steve a pointed look, and both Bruce and Jane were giving him disappointed looks. Loki stood closest to Natasha, just beyond arm's reach of the glass, giving the Asgardians a wide berth. She could feel the crackle of magic beginning to rise beneath his skin. Perhaps she was more sensitive to his magic now. It wouldn't surprise her if Hel had added a few more gifts along the way, if she considered this to be a gift.
Reluctantly, Steve coded in the sequence to release the cell. "Natasha, I'm sorry..."
"I'm not the one you need to apologize to," she snapped, though she was grateful he at least acknowledged the hurt he'd caused. She was on James immediately, ignoring the pained look that flashed across Loki's features. "Жизнь моя," she whispered. My life.
"Душа моя," he replied, gently cupping her cheek with one hand. My soul.
"He's mine, Steve," Natasha said, not taking her eyes off of James. She had said something to that effect when she was handling Loki once upon a time. While it hadn't worked out the way she had planned, had actually seemed to backfire spectacularly at first as a matter of fact, Loki wasn't the danger he initially had been. Steve had to concede that much.
When he didn't argue, Natasha left the lab with James, Loki in tow. After a while, the others followed her out, leaving the lab in silence.
***
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To chapter Three - Searching For A Solution