Love, 1/5. NC-17.
Title: Love
Series: #21 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime, #11 - Open Your Eyes, #12 - Can't Be Ignored, #13 - Make You Ill, #14 - Aim Straight, #15 - Not The First Time, #16 - Friendly Fire, #17 - Relieved, #18 - Release, #19 - Never Noticed, #20 - How You Live And Breathe)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/Bucky, Clint/Darcy
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse. Warning for mentions of suicide.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to the rest of MCU.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups.
Summary: There are many different ways to express emotion, affection and love. There are just as many different ways to protect others.
One - New Faces
"This is utterly ridiculous," the brunette with Jane wailed, pitching a wadded up napkin toward the garbage can. She missed, but both women ignored it. Jane pushed the mug full of tea at the brunette, her expression one of sympathy. With her back to Natasha and Pepper, it was difficult to see what the brunette's reaction was. She was studiously ignoring the tea, however.
"What did we miss?" Pepper asked, entering the room. Natasha suppressed the urge to roll her eyes at Pepper. This was why she was a CEO and not a spy; spies would wait and listen while undetected to get their information, while a CEO simply dove right in and tried to fix things.
The brunette whirled around, then looked back at Jane. She had pale skin, large eyes behind her glasses, full lips that were currently grimacing, and a lush figure that was covered up by a thick sweater despite the warmer weather. "Shit. Totally didn't mean to trample on whatever girl time you had planned, Jane."
Jane waved off her concern. "No, they finished their yoga session. I don't go to those."
"Wait, what?"
"Anyway," Jane continued, gesturing for Pepper and Natasha to enter. "Darcy, this is Pepper and Natasha. They live in the tower, too. And technically, you'd be working for Pepper this summer."
"Jane!" Darcy yelped, appearing mortified. "You can't let me look like a whiny idiot in front of my future boss! That violates the girl code or something!"
"Technically," Pepper said with a gracious smile, heading over to the large fridge, "someone else will be your direct supervisor in HR. I'm just CEO of the company. You likely won't see me at all there."
"Why don't you say what's gotten you so upset?" Natasha offered. She grabbed the juice Pepper handed her and sat down at the table with Darcy and Jane.
"Just that I'm an idiot and just as much one of those girls I always make fun of on reality shows," Darcy said, clearly irritated with herself. "Dave was such an ass, I thought it was his thesis getting to him. He's usually uptight, but it was just ridiculous. So I told him I was putting in an extra tutoring session, totally lying because what? Me? Volunteer for even more pain in Poli Sci? I don't think so. But he believed me, and I thought I would do something nice like make him a fancy dinner and dessert. I make an awesome chocolate eclair cake. That loser, though, what do I see after I walk in the apartment with three bags of groceries?" Her voice rose in agitation, getting almost shrill. "He's fucking his TA! Asshole! So I bitch them both out, give all the fixings to Clara, because she could use the food, holy god, the girl has barely nothing to live on after the loans pay for tuition, and hopped on a train up here. I still have class on Monday, but I don't want to look at his stupid face."
Everyone at the table heaved an understanding sigh. "You know what the problem with your tea is?" Natasha asked, standing up.
"No, what?"
"Jane forgot the vodka."
Darcy blinked at Natasha, and watched as she got out a bottle of Skyy from the freezer. "Oh. You're not kidding."
"Of course not. Stereotypical, but it does the trick. Drink up, Jane filled that mug pretty full."
A few gulps cleared out enough room for alcohol, and Natasha left the bottle out "just in case." Which had Pepper snickering and Jane sighing. "This is not a good tasting combo."
"You're not drinking it for the taste," Natasha reminded her.
"Total waste of alcohol," Darcy muttered. That didn't stop her from gulping down the rest of the mug, however.
"What was your loser's name?" Natasha asked, pulling out the cell phone she had brought with her to the yoga session. Pepper eyed her in curiosity, but Natasha merely mouthed trust me.
Delightfully buzzed, Darcy rattled off all the embarrassing bits of information about Dave that she could remember. She frowned when Natasha abruptly interrupted her with "He has several unpaid parking tickets and a moving violation in Florida."
"Wait, what?"
"I think the Florida police would love to know that dickhead Dave is still at Culver University," Natasha told Darcy sweetly. She returned to her phone and tapped at the screen rapidly. Jane blinked in surprise as Pepper smothered a laugh at Darcy's startled expression. "There. Done."
"I'm feeling slow," Darcy said, frowning at her. "I don't get it."
"He owed several hundred dollars and there was a warrant out for him," Natasha explained. "I think that getting himself jailed and fined heavily is a good start for hurting your feelings."
"You don't even know me!"
"But you're Jane's friend, and I'm not particularly fond of anyone treating women badly," Natasha told her.
"She's being nice," Pepper told Darcy, patting her arm gently. "And you know, you could always move up early. You wouldn't fail out of Culver if you left two months early."
"I have my classes..."
"Oh, I'm sure I could work something out," Pepper said firmly. "I could talk to your advisor. SI donates a lot of money to Culver, I'm sure they could be understanding about it if your job starts in April rather than July."
Jane pulled Darcy in for a hug when she was too shell shocked to say anything in reply. "You'll stay with me, of course! I have plenty of room in my suite!"
"We have plenty of room in the tower," Pepper told Jane. "Isn't there a full suite across from yours that isn't being used right now?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"I can have a moving company clear out your apartment and move you up here in a week," Pepper told Darcy. "And the perfect time to introduce you as an employee would be at the benefit banquet we're hosting for the local science competition winners."
"Oh, no. Those things are public as all hell and I don't have a date. Not that I want one. I am so done with guys. And sex. No more sex, like, ever."
Natasha laughed. "In that case, I have the perfect person to be your date for the evening. Trust me, you'll be fine."
Darcy looked at her with a lost expression. Jane laughed and gave Darcy another hug. "This is sometimes how you make me feel, you know," she said cheerfully. "But don't worry! You'll get used to it. Living with the Avengers is never boring, I promise."
It looked as though it finally clicked who Darcy was talking to. She goggled at Natasha and Pepper, and could only make a plaintive mewling sound. "Shit, I am so dead, aren't I? Like, spilling state secrets or getting locked away for the rest of my life or something?"
"Of course not," Pepper said, affronted. "But hearing about some douchebag hurting a friend of a friend? That can't be allowed."
"The best revenge is living well," Natasha said, leaning forward.
"Really well," Pepper added. "Why don't we all go shopping? I could use new shoes."
"I already have the dress from the Lockheed Martin banquet," Jane protested.
"Please. I love shopping and you can't have too many evening dresses. You really can't." She smiled warmly at Darcy. "I never got you a graduation present yet. Can this be it?"
"I'm dreaming," Darcy muttered. She pinched herself and squeaked in pain. "OW! No, not dreaming." She looked at Natasha and Pepper, taking in their eager expressions. "All right then. Dress me up for your fancy party and gimme a date. But if he gets handsy, I'm going to taser him. Just ask Thor, I'll absolutely do it."
Natasha grinned. "Clint will be a perfect gentleman, I promise."
"Clint." Darcy blinked and looked at the smiling women in front of her. "As in the Avenger, Clint Barton? Former jackbooted thug from Puente Antigua?"
"The very same," Natasha agreed. "I'll have you know, he really appreciated that Ipod until I made him give it back. I did copy over your playlists, I hope you don't mind. We wound up using your workout playlist for a while after that."
"No shit?"
Jane laughed at her gobsmacked expression. "He's really nice. And loves pizza more than you."
"No way, man. That's the one thing Culver did right when they renovated the cafeteria."
Everyone else started laughing. "Oh, you two are going to be perfect together," Natasha said warmly. "Welcome to the Tower, Darcy."
"You're not hooked up with him? I mean, all the gossip blogs say you are."
She shook her head. "No. It's just a waste of time to deny it. You two will have lots of fun."
"Hey, ladies!" came Sam calling from the hallway. "Is this a private coffee clutch?"
"Absolutely not!" Jane called out. She ignored Darcy scowling at her and grinned. "What? You always tell me I need to socialize more!"
"Not when I'm in need here. You know, the emotional comforting you're supposed to be doing for me right now?"
"It's not like you were really serious about Dave," Jane replied reasonably.
"Well, no, but it's the principle of the thing! You're supposed to comfort me and tell me how much of an asshole he is for screwing around on me."
"I did. And Natasha is siccing the cops on him, and Pepper I'm sure will do something sneaky and underhanded like getting his funding revoked."
"I do know Culver donors," Pepper said gravely as Darcy looked at her.
Sam caught the last part as he came into the kitchen, Loki trailing behind him. "We could go if this is a private party."
"We're planning to cheer up Darcy," Jane announced.
She frowned at Jane, ignoring the newcomers. "Way to be a friend, Jane."
"You're not that upset..."
Darcy threw up her hands. "I was throwing a perfectly good pity party and then you all had to ruin that!" She seemed to realize how ridiculous that sounded and started laughing. "Okay, fine, fine, you all win. Dave was a loser, anyway. He was only going for his BA and I've got my Ph.D as soon as I finish my defense. Not that that I'll really be using it, though." She chugged the rest of her spiked tea and handed the mug to Natasha. "Don't bother with the tea. Straight up vodka for me, please."
Snickering along with the ladies, Sam pulled up a chair. "Sounds like my kind of party."
"Rough group today?" Natasha asked sympathetically as she poured a liberal amount of vodka for Darcy.
"Probably the worst. Lost another two in the past week."
Loki pulled up a chair, sitting between Sam and Natasha. He sat rather stiffly as Natasha looked at him, a question in her gaze. "I knew them both. It was... difficult."
"I thought they were pulling through, you know?" Sam muttered, shaking his head. "I thought we were all doing good."
"They hid their despair well. None of us knew they had planned it," Loki murmured. He saw Darcy's questioning look. "Sam runs a support group at the Veteran's Association."
"Oh. But hey, didn't you try to take over New York like five or six years ago?" Darcy asked, frowning at him. "And you're chummy with everyone?"
Everyone froze for a moment, unsure what to say.
Loki held no such qualms. He merely grinned, all sharp teeth and menace. "I can be quite charming and useful should I choose to be."
"Yeah! That's the creepy-ass grin I saw in Puente Antigua and on the news for New York!" She pointed at his face and narrowed her eyes slightly. "I don't know what your game is, but if you hurt Jane, I will taser your ass into the next century. Don't think I won't. Ask Thor, I got him good. And I always keep it with me."
"You. Harmed Thor."
Darcy smiled, visibly proud of herself. "Yup. I tasered a god. Jane hit him with her truck, though. Twice," she added, smirking.
Loki looked at the two of them, then his smile turned genuine. "I hadn't known this."
Natasha poked him in the side. "You are not bringing that up," she intoned in her domme voice. He straightened and put on a very insincere expression of innocence. "I don't believe that for a second, Loki. Promise me."
He shot her a mulish look. "Very well, I promise."
Pepper merely smirked at Darcy's bewildered expression. "Trust me, you'll get along just fine in this madhouse. The vodka might help, but it's not always necessary."
Sam grinned and shook the bottle, showing that it was nearly empty. "I'm not making the booze run, just so you know."
Darcy kept her narrow-eyed gaze on all of them. "I'm not entirely convinced that I'm not hallucinating or dropped sideways into a parallel dimension or whatever." She handed Sam her mug, still partially filled with vodka. "I should regrettably be sober for living here. Or working anywhere near here. Or living in New York."
Jane grinned and bumped shoulders with her. "You'll be great. You didn't know anything about physics or theoretical particles when you took that intern job and here you are."
She rolled her eyes. "I still don't know a thing about theoretical particles. But I can organize your stuff, know what's important and get you to eat regular meals. Easiest six science credits ever. Except for the nearly dying in Puente Antigua thing." She paused. "Is herding superheroes like herding scientists?"
"It's exactly like herding scientists," Pepper informed her.
"Sweet. I can totally do this job, then," Darcy said brightly. "Because other than teaching at a university, there aren't a lot of opportunities for a Ph.D. in poli sci, especially when I have no intention of being some kind of political commentator or whoring out my intelligence to some lobbyist group in Washington."
"See? Good fit." Jane gave her a swift hug. "I'm so glad you came up early, Darce. And I can show you all the work Bruce and I have been doing thanks to the new array that went up on the rocket a few months ago..."
Though she heaved a long suffering sigh, Darcy was grinning and hugging Jane back tightly.
***
Loki walked into Natasha's suite after confirming with Jarvis that she was there and not in some other area of the Tower. In the prior months, there was a schedule of sorts that had been worked out. Bruce tended to lead the yoga sessions, which Pepper, Natasha, Clint, James and Steve attended regularly. Natasha led the tougher sparring sessions, which seemed to mix capoeira, krav maga and kickboxing. Clint, Natasha, Steve and Tony regularly had competitions in the ranges that had been built. Though James was invited, he clearly was too hesitant to take part in that. Boxing and other hand to hand combat simulations were fine, but he didn't want to pick up a pistol or rifle. Clint also had time to work on arrow designs with Tony or he carefully took care of the bow and arrowheads by hand.
Breakfasts and lunches were a relative free for all, but slowly dinners evolved into a definite group activity. There were enough people present that one or two missing hardly made a dent in the noise level. Jane made a schedule on a whiteboard that was prominently posted in the kitchen, "barring any Avengers-level disaster," which also guaranteed that she was out of the lab regularly and got at least one meal a day. "I made an alarm!" she said defensively when Darcy questioned her on it. "Ask Jarvis!"
"Quite so, Miss Foster," Jarvis replied. "And I will only remind you if you aren't already on your way for a meal." That led Darcy to visibly relax.
It was nice and smothering at the same time. Loki didn't know how to deal with all this damned togetherness. Once in a while was tolerable, but he was sure something awful would happen with so many people in close proximity. Someone would make a comment he couldn't tolerate, or he would push someone's buttons as he had with Bruce over a month ago.
Life was predictable. He was suspicious of predictable.
He stopped short when he saw Natasha sitting on the couch brushing James' hair. James was sitting on the floor in front of her, shirtless, feet bare, wearing only plain gray sweatpants. He had his head tilted back into her slightly, eyes closed as she brought the brush methodically through his long hair. She was focused on him, lips curling at the corners slightly, dressed in her usual loose yoga pants and tank top. Peaceful music was playing in the background, something meant to be soothing that actually grated on Loki's nerves.
"You can come in, Loki." Natasha didn't take her eyes or hands off of James' hair.
"This is... serene."
Natasha chuckled and finally looked up at him. "Not a fan of peaceful."
"Not particularly, no."
"But you see... We didn't have an ordinary life before. Lies and death and destruction. Having to hide everything to keep it safe."
James let his chin drop down and took the brush from Natasha. "It probably sounds stupid, but this was the dream I used to have. Just us, sitting together, not having to be anywhere, not having to do anything. Just being."
"Because you couldn't."
"Right. The things that civvies take for granted. I never thought I could have it."
"And I'm interrupting."
James shrugged as Natasha shook her head. "It's okay. This isn't special time for just the two of us or anything. I'd tell you if it was," Natasha told him.
Loki couldn't sense any artifice in her tone. And on this, she would be telling the truth, because she absolutely would set limits on his behavior if he became insufferable.
Moving to the couch, he sat beside Natasha, his shoulders slumping a little. "The deaths that Sam had mentioned yesterday," he began slowly, waiting for her nod of remembrance. "I did know them. We actually talked. It... troubles me."
"That they would commit suicide?"
"They were not that kind. They practiced magical arts, actual magic and not the wishful thinking some of those on this realm would call magic."
He caught Natasha smirking at his words and realized how pompous he sounded. Well, no matter. It was truth, anyway.
"I know Sam is troubled by self harm. Those in this tower are as well. But sometimes spells do need life force to fuel them. Blood magic is unpredictable at times, but it is powerful. They were those kinds of practitioners, and we talked of magic. I had actually hoped they would discuss their form of magic with Wanda, since she is still technically my student."
Natasha frowned. "They hadn't seemed depressed before they killed themselves?"
"Last week, Henry told me he would look for the spellbook he received from his grandmother to help Wanda learn more."
"Suicidal people can still make plans," Natasha pointed out, though she sounded less certain.
"If it wasn't suicide," James said slowly, leaning against Natasha's leg to look up at Loki, "then was it murder?"
Loki furrowed his brows. "I know nothing of the particulars."
"Then perhaps we should try to find out," James offered. He looked over at Natasha. "You still have pull via SHIELD channels, don't you?"
"I'm sure I could ask. Local authorities might help just because we're Avengers."
Loki blinked. It almost sounded like she was including him. No, she must have been referring to just James. He was certainly no hero.
"I guess we'd better get dressed and look the part," James said, heaving a put upon sigh and getting to his feet. "C'mon, dollface," he drawled, holding a hand out to Natasha. "Time to put the professional masks back on."
There had been a time when she never took it off. Did she really take it off, or was he now able to peer behind the mask? Loki was almost too afraid of the answer to ask it.
***
Shopping with Pepper was an epic experience. She knew all the best stores in Manhattan, was generous with the sales clerks assigned to help her and her companions, and believed that price was no object in order to look good. "I do yoga, weird diets and tailored clothes," she told Darcy without an ounce of false modesty. "I didn't used to have this, but it's very nice that I can do this now. Did you think movie stars just magically looked perfect?"
"Well, no, but that's movie stars," Darcy said.
"Yes. And the rich and powerful aren't always so far away from movie stars, especially in the kind of world we live in." Pepper smiled brightly as the saleswoman returned with a new evening dress in white with lilac trim. "Oh, this is lovely. I was also thinking a few classic business suits for Darcy as a graduation gift. Skirts and pants both, given how cold it can be in winter."
Practically beaming at the thought of the commission she could make, the saleswoman eagerly looked over at Darcy, took her measurements and tried to discuss colors and fabric choices with her. Finally, Darcy threw up her hands in exasperation. "I do jeans and sweaters and five dollar tees from vintage stores, okay? I don't know the difference between pleats and seams or whatever it is. Make me look good and not slutty and I will say awesome things about you."
Pepper and Jane both laughed at the disgruntled expression on her face. "It's not like everyone knows all this right away."
"Easy for you to say," Darcy grumbled.
"Please. Before I worked for Tony Stark as his personal assistant, I was in three different companies in various permutations of secretary. I had to look professional yet still be invisible until I was needed. I am not going to pretend that taking over SI wasn't a freak accident of epic proportions, but it happened and I do a damn good job of it."
"Good thing Tony recognized your genius with marketing and business strategies. That saves him for the research and building," Jane said.
"Exactly. So I take advantage of the opportunities it gives me, like really expensive shoes and tailored suits," Pepper said with a grin. She took her phone out of her pocket; it must have been on vibrate mode, because Darcy hadn't heard a thing. "Speaking of which..." She tapped at her phone, then seemed to switch between a few different other screens before putting the phone away. "Of course, I'm also a workaholic and you have to peel my phones away from my hands even when I'm doing something fun."
At least she was honest about it, Darcy figured. It was so much better than some of the other Ph.D. candidates she'd had the misfortune of working with. A few had tried to pass off their success as something they hadn't worked for, as if she would be impressed by having everything gifted to them. What kind of idiot did they take her for?
Then again, most of them were in Washington, DC and one of them had been in her bed with Dickhead Dave, so maybe there was something to that.
Jane looped am arm through Darcy's as the saleswoman returned. "The science thing is my pet project. It went so well after the Lockheed Martin dinner, I thought it wasn't so bad. And the city kids need more funding for science classes. This is going to be great!"
"What grades are these kids going to be? Sixth? Definitely stick with single syllables," Darcy teased her. "Otherwise they won't understand a thing."
"Oh, the kids won't be there," Jane told her reassuringly. "Just the Board of Ed bigwigs and fundraiser types. I plan to talk about my dark matter research to bore them all to tears so I can get back to my lab and check the running calculations."
"You're not supposed to say that out loud," Pepper sighed. "I swear, Tony can be such a child and a horrible influence sometimes."
Darcy couldn't help but grin at Pepper. "If you've been scientist herding on your own for a while, no wonder you wanted help. All right, all right, I'll stop complaining. I'll start out in HR early, let you spend ridiculous amounts of money on me and hang out with Jane and Thor. Sounds like a great plan to me."
"That's the spirit!" Jane chortled as the saleswoman eagerly showed Darcy the suits she had pulled out. While she didn't usually like shopping, Jane loved spending time with her friends and trying to teach others. Having her at the benefit dinner would definitely decrease the potential boredom Darcy would feel there.
***
Randall Ward had been an elderly gentleman of mixed descent living in Bed-Stuy prior to his death. Police had ruled it a suicide when his body had been found the Monday prior to the group therapy session at the VA, but there had been no marks on the body. The supposition had been based on the lack of forced entry into his apartment and the fact that he was wearing a tank top that showed off the series of horizontal and vertical scars along his inner arms. "He could've been a cutter," Natasha remarked to the officer that had made the original report.
"He was a vet and on medication. What else am I gonna call it if I see someone looking like that?" the officer remarked.
Loki wished he could shake the man, but remained at Natasha's side. He had opted to remain invisible for this, citing Darcy's remark about him attempting to take over New York. How would police officers accept him asking after a dead veteran?
James had his tactical gear on, which was a shade of navy blue so dark it was nearly black. He left the strapped holsters and guns home, but kept the black gloves and boots with hidden sheaths on. His hair was carefully pulled back, and his bearing was that of a predator. The stare he leveled at the office was nearly malevolent. "So where's the body?"
"Medical examiner's office," the officer said. He was trying to appear tough rather than shaken, but Loki could see it in his eyes. "Why?"
"We need to examine the body," Natasha said.
Thankfully, their official looking uniforms even without weapons, meant that they were directly escorted to the medical examiner's office. The department was full of harried pathologists attempting to do their job and make reports. Natasha took the lead, charming her way through the layers of bureaucracy until they were standing in front of the drawer holding Randall Ward's body. Loki felt almost afraid in the chilled room. Would he look horrible in death? Would it be worse once they talked to the coroner?
Tuning out the coroner and the questions Natasha and James asked him, Loki stared down at Randall's body. He felt something painful in his chest, not quite like the remorse he'd felt for terrorizing Natasha, but still sharp and biting. Without realizing it, he reached out and pressed his hand against Randall's chest, beneath the Y incision that had already been stitched back up.
Nothing.
Dead bodies might have been empty of the life force that had been woven by the Norns, but there were always still residual traces of that life, especially if it was a magic user. The heart stopped, the brain waves were flatlined, but there were still some cells eking out an existence still. The bacteria in the gut still lived for some time after death, leading to the bloat and stink of decomposition associated with dead bodies.
Everything was dead. There were no residual traces.
Loki yanked his hand away from Randall's chest and looked around him in horror. They had planned to start with Randall, then move on to Henry Fedozzi. But this emptiness was disconcerting, and Loki could recognize a similar emptiness in front of another drawer. Ignoring the fact that he was still invisible, he yanked on it the same way the coroner had, and pulled the drawer open. There was the toe tag with Henry's name, the skin impossibly white and pale. He used to joke about the lack of sunlight and that it was a good thing for everyone that he didn't believe in Wicca - "Can you imagine me skyclad? Lordy, the poor people catching sight of me will go blind!" Loki felt the same pang in his chest that he had felt upon seeing Randall's sightless eyes and dulled skin.
There was the same emptiness in this corpse. All life force had been sucked out of it, with no traces whatsoever of the life that he should have had.
This was beyond spá work. It wasn't just severing a lifeline, but completely obliterating it as if it had never existed.
Feeling stunned, Loki let the pathologists around him put the drawer back to rights, stepping out of their way so they wouldn't run into him.
A chill worked its way down his spine. What kind of being could do this?
The worst part of it was, he didn't know.
***
***
To Chapter Two - Bad Days
Series: #21 in Ready For The Siege
(#1 - Look Over Your Shoulder, #2 - Armed Up To The Teeth, #3 - Misery Inspires, #4 - Broken Underneath, #5 - Change Is Coming Soon, #6 - Lick Your Wounds, #7 - Bitter Sparks, #8 - Father's Will, #9 - To Feel Safe Again, #10 - Hit Your Prime, #11 - Open Your Eyes, #12 - Can't Be Ignored, #13 - Make You Ill, #14 - Aim Straight, #15 - Not The First Time, #16 - Friendly Fire, #17 - Relieved, #18 - Release, #19 - Never Noticed, #20 - How You Live And Breathe)
Author: Eustacia Vye
Author's e-mail: eustacia_vye28@hotmail.com
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Loki/Natasha, Natasha/Bucky, Clint/Darcy
Disclaimer: Not mine! Some comic backstory is incorporated into characterizations, but this is still primarily movieverse. Warning for mentions of suicide.
Spoilers/Warnings: Post-Avengers, AU to the rest of MCU.
Title and series title from "The Royal We" by Silversun Pickups.
Summary: There are many different ways to express emotion, affection and love. There are just as many different ways to protect others.
One - New Faces
"This is utterly ridiculous," the brunette with Jane wailed, pitching a wadded up napkin toward the garbage can. She missed, but both women ignored it. Jane pushed the mug full of tea at the brunette, her expression one of sympathy. With her back to Natasha and Pepper, it was difficult to see what the brunette's reaction was. She was studiously ignoring the tea, however.
"What did we miss?" Pepper asked, entering the room. Natasha suppressed the urge to roll her eyes at Pepper. This was why she was a CEO and not a spy; spies would wait and listen while undetected to get their information, while a CEO simply dove right in and tried to fix things.
The brunette whirled around, then looked back at Jane. She had pale skin, large eyes behind her glasses, full lips that were currently grimacing, and a lush figure that was covered up by a thick sweater despite the warmer weather. "Shit. Totally didn't mean to trample on whatever girl time you had planned, Jane."
Jane waved off her concern. "No, they finished their yoga session. I don't go to those."
"Wait, what?"
"Anyway," Jane continued, gesturing for Pepper and Natasha to enter. "Darcy, this is Pepper and Natasha. They live in the tower, too. And technically, you'd be working for Pepper this summer."
"Jane!" Darcy yelped, appearing mortified. "You can't let me look like a whiny idiot in front of my future boss! That violates the girl code or something!"
"Technically," Pepper said with a gracious smile, heading over to the large fridge, "someone else will be your direct supervisor in HR. I'm just CEO of the company. You likely won't see me at all there."
"Why don't you say what's gotten you so upset?" Natasha offered. She grabbed the juice Pepper handed her and sat down at the table with Darcy and Jane.
"Just that I'm an idiot and just as much one of those girls I always make fun of on reality shows," Darcy said, clearly irritated with herself. "Dave was such an ass, I thought it was his thesis getting to him. He's usually uptight, but it was just ridiculous. So I told him I was putting in an extra tutoring session, totally lying because what? Me? Volunteer for even more pain in Poli Sci? I don't think so. But he believed me, and I thought I would do something nice like make him a fancy dinner and dessert. I make an awesome chocolate eclair cake. That loser, though, what do I see after I walk in the apartment with three bags of groceries?" Her voice rose in agitation, getting almost shrill. "He's fucking his TA! Asshole! So I bitch them both out, give all the fixings to Clara, because she could use the food, holy god, the girl has barely nothing to live on after the loans pay for tuition, and hopped on a train up here. I still have class on Monday, but I don't want to look at his stupid face."
Everyone at the table heaved an understanding sigh. "You know what the problem with your tea is?" Natasha asked, standing up.
"No, what?"
"Jane forgot the vodka."
Darcy blinked at Natasha, and watched as she got out a bottle of Skyy from the freezer. "Oh. You're not kidding."
"Of course not. Stereotypical, but it does the trick. Drink up, Jane filled that mug pretty full."
A few gulps cleared out enough room for alcohol, and Natasha left the bottle out "just in case." Which had Pepper snickering and Jane sighing. "This is not a good tasting combo."
"You're not drinking it for the taste," Natasha reminded her.
"Total waste of alcohol," Darcy muttered. That didn't stop her from gulping down the rest of the mug, however.
"What was your loser's name?" Natasha asked, pulling out the cell phone she had brought with her to the yoga session. Pepper eyed her in curiosity, but Natasha merely mouthed trust me.
Delightfully buzzed, Darcy rattled off all the embarrassing bits of information about Dave that she could remember. She frowned when Natasha abruptly interrupted her with "He has several unpaid parking tickets and a moving violation in Florida."
"Wait, what?"
"I think the Florida police would love to know that dickhead Dave is still at Culver University," Natasha told Darcy sweetly. She returned to her phone and tapped at the screen rapidly. Jane blinked in surprise as Pepper smothered a laugh at Darcy's startled expression. "There. Done."
"I'm feeling slow," Darcy said, frowning at her. "I don't get it."
"He owed several hundred dollars and there was a warrant out for him," Natasha explained. "I think that getting himself jailed and fined heavily is a good start for hurting your feelings."
"You don't even know me!"
"But you're Jane's friend, and I'm not particularly fond of anyone treating women badly," Natasha told her.
"She's being nice," Pepper told Darcy, patting her arm gently. "And you know, you could always move up early. You wouldn't fail out of Culver if you left two months early."
"I have my classes..."
"Oh, I'm sure I could work something out," Pepper said firmly. "I could talk to your advisor. SI donates a lot of money to Culver, I'm sure they could be understanding about it if your job starts in April rather than July."
Jane pulled Darcy in for a hug when she was too shell shocked to say anything in reply. "You'll stay with me, of course! I have plenty of room in my suite!"
"We have plenty of room in the tower," Pepper told Jane. "Isn't there a full suite across from yours that isn't being used right now?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"I can have a moving company clear out your apartment and move you up here in a week," Pepper told Darcy. "And the perfect time to introduce you as an employee would be at the benefit banquet we're hosting for the local science competition winners."
"Oh, no. Those things are public as all hell and I don't have a date. Not that I want one. I am so done with guys. And sex. No more sex, like, ever."
Natasha laughed. "In that case, I have the perfect person to be your date for the evening. Trust me, you'll be fine."
Darcy looked at her with a lost expression. Jane laughed and gave Darcy another hug. "This is sometimes how you make me feel, you know," she said cheerfully. "But don't worry! You'll get used to it. Living with the Avengers is never boring, I promise."
It looked as though it finally clicked who Darcy was talking to. She goggled at Natasha and Pepper, and could only make a plaintive mewling sound. "Shit, I am so dead, aren't I? Like, spilling state secrets or getting locked away for the rest of my life or something?"
"Of course not," Pepper said, affronted. "But hearing about some douchebag hurting a friend of a friend? That can't be allowed."
"The best revenge is living well," Natasha said, leaning forward.
"Really well," Pepper added. "Why don't we all go shopping? I could use new shoes."
"I already have the dress from the Lockheed Martin banquet," Jane protested.
"Please. I love shopping and you can't have too many evening dresses. You really can't." She smiled warmly at Darcy. "I never got you a graduation present yet. Can this be it?"
"I'm dreaming," Darcy muttered. She pinched herself and squeaked in pain. "OW! No, not dreaming." She looked at Natasha and Pepper, taking in their eager expressions. "All right then. Dress me up for your fancy party and gimme a date. But if he gets handsy, I'm going to taser him. Just ask Thor, I'll absolutely do it."
Natasha grinned. "Clint will be a perfect gentleman, I promise."
"Clint." Darcy blinked and looked at the smiling women in front of her. "As in the Avenger, Clint Barton? Former jackbooted thug from Puente Antigua?"
"The very same," Natasha agreed. "I'll have you know, he really appreciated that Ipod until I made him give it back. I did copy over your playlists, I hope you don't mind. We wound up using your workout playlist for a while after that."
"No shit?"
Jane laughed at her gobsmacked expression. "He's really nice. And loves pizza more than you."
"No way, man. That's the one thing Culver did right when they renovated the cafeteria."
Everyone else started laughing. "Oh, you two are going to be perfect together," Natasha said warmly. "Welcome to the Tower, Darcy."
"You're not hooked up with him? I mean, all the gossip blogs say you are."
She shook her head. "No. It's just a waste of time to deny it. You two will have lots of fun."
"Hey, ladies!" came Sam calling from the hallway. "Is this a private coffee clutch?"
"Absolutely not!" Jane called out. She ignored Darcy scowling at her and grinned. "What? You always tell me I need to socialize more!"
"Not when I'm in need here. You know, the emotional comforting you're supposed to be doing for me right now?"
"It's not like you were really serious about Dave," Jane replied reasonably.
"Well, no, but it's the principle of the thing! You're supposed to comfort me and tell me how much of an asshole he is for screwing around on me."
"I did. And Natasha is siccing the cops on him, and Pepper I'm sure will do something sneaky and underhanded like getting his funding revoked."
"I do know Culver donors," Pepper said gravely as Darcy looked at her.
Sam caught the last part as he came into the kitchen, Loki trailing behind him. "We could go if this is a private party."
"We're planning to cheer up Darcy," Jane announced.
She frowned at Jane, ignoring the newcomers. "Way to be a friend, Jane."
"You're not that upset..."
Darcy threw up her hands. "I was throwing a perfectly good pity party and then you all had to ruin that!" She seemed to realize how ridiculous that sounded and started laughing. "Okay, fine, fine, you all win. Dave was a loser, anyway. He was only going for his BA and I've got my Ph.D as soon as I finish my defense. Not that that I'll really be using it, though." She chugged the rest of her spiked tea and handed the mug to Natasha. "Don't bother with the tea. Straight up vodka for me, please."
Snickering along with the ladies, Sam pulled up a chair. "Sounds like my kind of party."
"Rough group today?" Natasha asked sympathetically as she poured a liberal amount of vodka for Darcy.
"Probably the worst. Lost another two in the past week."
Loki pulled up a chair, sitting between Sam and Natasha. He sat rather stiffly as Natasha looked at him, a question in her gaze. "I knew them both. It was... difficult."
"I thought they were pulling through, you know?" Sam muttered, shaking his head. "I thought we were all doing good."
"They hid their despair well. None of us knew they had planned it," Loki murmured. He saw Darcy's questioning look. "Sam runs a support group at the Veteran's Association."
"Oh. But hey, didn't you try to take over New York like five or six years ago?" Darcy asked, frowning at him. "And you're chummy with everyone?"
Everyone froze for a moment, unsure what to say.
Loki held no such qualms. He merely grinned, all sharp teeth and menace. "I can be quite charming and useful should I choose to be."
"Yeah! That's the creepy-ass grin I saw in Puente Antigua and on the news for New York!" She pointed at his face and narrowed her eyes slightly. "I don't know what your game is, but if you hurt Jane, I will taser your ass into the next century. Don't think I won't. Ask Thor, I got him good. And I always keep it with me."
"You. Harmed Thor."
Darcy smiled, visibly proud of herself. "Yup. I tasered a god. Jane hit him with her truck, though. Twice," she added, smirking.
Loki looked at the two of them, then his smile turned genuine. "I hadn't known this."
Natasha poked him in the side. "You are not bringing that up," she intoned in her domme voice. He straightened and put on a very insincere expression of innocence. "I don't believe that for a second, Loki. Promise me."
He shot her a mulish look. "Very well, I promise."
Pepper merely smirked at Darcy's bewildered expression. "Trust me, you'll get along just fine in this madhouse. The vodka might help, but it's not always necessary."
Sam grinned and shook the bottle, showing that it was nearly empty. "I'm not making the booze run, just so you know."
Darcy kept her narrow-eyed gaze on all of them. "I'm not entirely convinced that I'm not hallucinating or dropped sideways into a parallel dimension or whatever." She handed Sam her mug, still partially filled with vodka. "I should regrettably be sober for living here. Or working anywhere near here. Or living in New York."
Jane grinned and bumped shoulders with her. "You'll be great. You didn't know anything about physics or theoretical particles when you took that intern job and here you are."
She rolled her eyes. "I still don't know a thing about theoretical particles. But I can organize your stuff, know what's important and get you to eat regular meals. Easiest six science credits ever. Except for the nearly dying in Puente Antigua thing." She paused. "Is herding superheroes like herding scientists?"
"It's exactly like herding scientists," Pepper informed her.
"Sweet. I can totally do this job, then," Darcy said brightly. "Because other than teaching at a university, there aren't a lot of opportunities for a Ph.D. in poli sci, especially when I have no intention of being some kind of political commentator or whoring out my intelligence to some lobbyist group in Washington."
"See? Good fit." Jane gave her a swift hug. "I'm so glad you came up early, Darce. And I can show you all the work Bruce and I have been doing thanks to the new array that went up on the rocket a few months ago..."
Though she heaved a long suffering sigh, Darcy was grinning and hugging Jane back tightly.
***
Loki walked into Natasha's suite after confirming with Jarvis that she was there and not in some other area of the Tower. In the prior months, there was a schedule of sorts that had been worked out. Bruce tended to lead the yoga sessions, which Pepper, Natasha, Clint, James and Steve attended regularly. Natasha led the tougher sparring sessions, which seemed to mix capoeira, krav maga and kickboxing. Clint, Natasha, Steve and Tony regularly had competitions in the ranges that had been built. Though James was invited, he clearly was too hesitant to take part in that. Boxing and other hand to hand combat simulations were fine, but he didn't want to pick up a pistol or rifle. Clint also had time to work on arrow designs with Tony or he carefully took care of the bow and arrowheads by hand.
Breakfasts and lunches were a relative free for all, but slowly dinners evolved into a definite group activity. There were enough people present that one or two missing hardly made a dent in the noise level. Jane made a schedule on a whiteboard that was prominently posted in the kitchen, "barring any Avengers-level disaster," which also guaranteed that she was out of the lab regularly and got at least one meal a day. "I made an alarm!" she said defensively when Darcy questioned her on it. "Ask Jarvis!"
"Quite so, Miss Foster," Jarvis replied. "And I will only remind you if you aren't already on your way for a meal." That led Darcy to visibly relax.
It was nice and smothering at the same time. Loki didn't know how to deal with all this damned togetherness. Once in a while was tolerable, but he was sure something awful would happen with so many people in close proximity. Someone would make a comment he couldn't tolerate, or he would push someone's buttons as he had with Bruce over a month ago.
Life was predictable. He was suspicious of predictable.
He stopped short when he saw Natasha sitting on the couch brushing James' hair. James was sitting on the floor in front of her, shirtless, feet bare, wearing only plain gray sweatpants. He had his head tilted back into her slightly, eyes closed as she brought the brush methodically through his long hair. She was focused on him, lips curling at the corners slightly, dressed in her usual loose yoga pants and tank top. Peaceful music was playing in the background, something meant to be soothing that actually grated on Loki's nerves.
"You can come in, Loki." Natasha didn't take her eyes or hands off of James' hair.
"This is... serene."
Natasha chuckled and finally looked up at him. "Not a fan of peaceful."
"Not particularly, no."
"But you see... We didn't have an ordinary life before. Lies and death and destruction. Having to hide everything to keep it safe."
James let his chin drop down and took the brush from Natasha. "It probably sounds stupid, but this was the dream I used to have. Just us, sitting together, not having to be anywhere, not having to do anything. Just being."
"Because you couldn't."
"Right. The things that civvies take for granted. I never thought I could have it."
"And I'm interrupting."
James shrugged as Natasha shook her head. "It's okay. This isn't special time for just the two of us or anything. I'd tell you if it was," Natasha told him.
Loki couldn't sense any artifice in her tone. And on this, she would be telling the truth, because she absolutely would set limits on his behavior if he became insufferable.
Moving to the couch, he sat beside Natasha, his shoulders slumping a little. "The deaths that Sam had mentioned yesterday," he began slowly, waiting for her nod of remembrance. "I did know them. We actually talked. It... troubles me."
"That they would commit suicide?"
"They were not that kind. They practiced magical arts, actual magic and not the wishful thinking some of those on this realm would call magic."
He caught Natasha smirking at his words and realized how pompous he sounded. Well, no matter. It was truth, anyway.
"I know Sam is troubled by self harm. Those in this tower are as well. But sometimes spells do need life force to fuel them. Blood magic is unpredictable at times, but it is powerful. They were those kinds of practitioners, and we talked of magic. I had actually hoped they would discuss their form of magic with Wanda, since she is still technically my student."
Natasha frowned. "They hadn't seemed depressed before they killed themselves?"
"Last week, Henry told me he would look for the spellbook he received from his grandmother to help Wanda learn more."
"Suicidal people can still make plans," Natasha pointed out, though she sounded less certain.
"If it wasn't suicide," James said slowly, leaning against Natasha's leg to look up at Loki, "then was it murder?"
Loki furrowed his brows. "I know nothing of the particulars."
"Then perhaps we should try to find out," James offered. He looked over at Natasha. "You still have pull via SHIELD channels, don't you?"
"I'm sure I could ask. Local authorities might help just because we're Avengers."
Loki blinked. It almost sounded like she was including him. No, she must have been referring to just James. He was certainly no hero.
"I guess we'd better get dressed and look the part," James said, heaving a put upon sigh and getting to his feet. "C'mon, dollface," he drawled, holding a hand out to Natasha. "Time to put the professional masks back on."
There had been a time when she never took it off. Did she really take it off, or was he now able to peer behind the mask? Loki was almost too afraid of the answer to ask it.
***
Shopping with Pepper was an epic experience. She knew all the best stores in Manhattan, was generous with the sales clerks assigned to help her and her companions, and believed that price was no object in order to look good. "I do yoga, weird diets and tailored clothes," she told Darcy without an ounce of false modesty. "I didn't used to have this, but it's very nice that I can do this now. Did you think movie stars just magically looked perfect?"
"Well, no, but that's movie stars," Darcy said.
"Yes. And the rich and powerful aren't always so far away from movie stars, especially in the kind of world we live in." Pepper smiled brightly as the saleswoman returned with a new evening dress in white with lilac trim. "Oh, this is lovely. I was also thinking a few classic business suits for Darcy as a graduation gift. Skirts and pants both, given how cold it can be in winter."
Practically beaming at the thought of the commission she could make, the saleswoman eagerly looked over at Darcy, took her measurements and tried to discuss colors and fabric choices with her. Finally, Darcy threw up her hands in exasperation. "I do jeans and sweaters and five dollar tees from vintage stores, okay? I don't know the difference between pleats and seams or whatever it is. Make me look good and not slutty and I will say awesome things about you."
Pepper and Jane both laughed at the disgruntled expression on her face. "It's not like everyone knows all this right away."
"Easy for you to say," Darcy grumbled.
"Please. Before I worked for Tony Stark as his personal assistant, I was in three different companies in various permutations of secretary. I had to look professional yet still be invisible until I was needed. I am not going to pretend that taking over SI wasn't a freak accident of epic proportions, but it happened and I do a damn good job of it."
"Good thing Tony recognized your genius with marketing and business strategies. That saves him for the research and building," Jane said.
"Exactly. So I take advantage of the opportunities it gives me, like really expensive shoes and tailored suits," Pepper said with a grin. She took her phone out of her pocket; it must have been on vibrate mode, because Darcy hadn't heard a thing. "Speaking of which..." She tapped at her phone, then seemed to switch between a few different other screens before putting the phone away. "Of course, I'm also a workaholic and you have to peel my phones away from my hands even when I'm doing something fun."
At least she was honest about it, Darcy figured. It was so much better than some of the other Ph.D. candidates she'd had the misfortune of working with. A few had tried to pass off their success as something they hadn't worked for, as if she would be impressed by having everything gifted to them. What kind of idiot did they take her for?
Then again, most of them were in Washington, DC and one of them had been in her bed with Dickhead Dave, so maybe there was something to that.
Jane looped am arm through Darcy's as the saleswoman returned. "The science thing is my pet project. It went so well after the Lockheed Martin dinner, I thought it wasn't so bad. And the city kids need more funding for science classes. This is going to be great!"
"What grades are these kids going to be? Sixth? Definitely stick with single syllables," Darcy teased her. "Otherwise they won't understand a thing."
"Oh, the kids won't be there," Jane told her reassuringly. "Just the Board of Ed bigwigs and fundraiser types. I plan to talk about my dark matter research to bore them all to tears so I can get back to my lab and check the running calculations."
"You're not supposed to say that out loud," Pepper sighed. "I swear, Tony can be such a child and a horrible influence sometimes."
Darcy couldn't help but grin at Pepper. "If you've been scientist herding on your own for a while, no wonder you wanted help. All right, all right, I'll stop complaining. I'll start out in HR early, let you spend ridiculous amounts of money on me and hang out with Jane and Thor. Sounds like a great plan to me."
"That's the spirit!" Jane chortled as the saleswoman eagerly showed Darcy the suits she had pulled out. While she didn't usually like shopping, Jane loved spending time with her friends and trying to teach others. Having her at the benefit dinner would definitely decrease the potential boredom Darcy would feel there.
***
Randall Ward had been an elderly gentleman of mixed descent living in Bed-Stuy prior to his death. Police had ruled it a suicide when his body had been found the Monday prior to the group therapy session at the VA, but there had been no marks on the body. The supposition had been based on the lack of forced entry into his apartment and the fact that he was wearing a tank top that showed off the series of horizontal and vertical scars along his inner arms. "He could've been a cutter," Natasha remarked to the officer that had made the original report.
"He was a vet and on medication. What else am I gonna call it if I see someone looking like that?" the officer remarked.
Loki wished he could shake the man, but remained at Natasha's side. He had opted to remain invisible for this, citing Darcy's remark about him attempting to take over New York. How would police officers accept him asking after a dead veteran?
James had his tactical gear on, which was a shade of navy blue so dark it was nearly black. He left the strapped holsters and guns home, but kept the black gloves and boots with hidden sheaths on. His hair was carefully pulled back, and his bearing was that of a predator. The stare he leveled at the office was nearly malevolent. "So where's the body?"
"Medical examiner's office," the officer said. He was trying to appear tough rather than shaken, but Loki could see it in his eyes. "Why?"
"We need to examine the body," Natasha said.
Thankfully, their official looking uniforms even without weapons, meant that they were directly escorted to the medical examiner's office. The department was full of harried pathologists attempting to do their job and make reports. Natasha took the lead, charming her way through the layers of bureaucracy until they were standing in front of the drawer holding Randall Ward's body. Loki felt almost afraid in the chilled room. Would he look horrible in death? Would it be worse once they talked to the coroner?
Tuning out the coroner and the questions Natasha and James asked him, Loki stared down at Randall's body. He felt something painful in his chest, not quite like the remorse he'd felt for terrorizing Natasha, but still sharp and biting. Without realizing it, he reached out and pressed his hand against Randall's chest, beneath the Y incision that had already been stitched back up.
Nothing.
Dead bodies might have been empty of the life force that had been woven by the Norns, but there were always still residual traces of that life, especially if it was a magic user. The heart stopped, the brain waves were flatlined, but there were still some cells eking out an existence still. The bacteria in the gut still lived for some time after death, leading to the bloat and stink of decomposition associated with dead bodies.
Everything was dead. There were no residual traces.
Loki yanked his hand away from Randall's chest and looked around him in horror. They had planned to start with Randall, then move on to Henry Fedozzi. But this emptiness was disconcerting, and Loki could recognize a similar emptiness in front of another drawer. Ignoring the fact that he was still invisible, he yanked on it the same way the coroner had, and pulled the drawer open. There was the toe tag with Henry's name, the skin impossibly white and pale. He used to joke about the lack of sunlight and that it was a good thing for everyone that he didn't believe in Wicca - "Can you imagine me skyclad? Lordy, the poor people catching sight of me will go blind!" Loki felt the same pang in his chest that he had felt upon seeing Randall's sightless eyes and dulled skin.
There was the same emptiness in this corpse. All life force had been sucked out of it, with no traces whatsoever of the life that he should have had.
This was beyond spá work. It wasn't just severing a lifeline, but completely obliterating it as if it had never existed.
Feeling stunned, Loki let the pathologists around him put the drawer back to rights, stepping out of their way so they wouldn't run into him.
A chill worked its way down his spine. What kind of being could do this?
The worst part of it was, he didn't know.
***
***
To Chapter Two - Bad Days