so i haven't told many people about this.. i think only my family and my roommates and sayed know right now.. i don't want to tell people at this point because i'm not 100% at this point but once those papers are signed there is no looking back.... today i went to lakewood to talk to a US Airforce recruiter... it's got basically everything i want ( Read more... )

i woke up this morning wanting to kill myself... the entire night was servere anxiety dreams and then waking up too early feeling frustrated and suicidal... today has been really hard. i went to a doctor and found out i have severe deficiencies in most of the basic nutirents i need to be happy and properly functioning.... so it makes sence why i've ( Read more... )

it's been a bit.... so i've decided that i will not drink alcohol for the month of january. and i'm so rediculously ful right now it's disgusting.....blah..... time for a change and al the feedback i'm getting is positive :)

my life is passing through a cloud right now. i can't seem to really see what's happening, i'm blindly continuing on through the days and weeks. My days are a mix of alcohol and brain damage, work, food, sleep deprivation, and pain... last night i slept, i think about 14 hours of sleep. i dreamed for the first time in a long time. i dreamed of a ( Read more... )

so right now i'm at work just waiting for the rio party to start. i don't know what to wear tonight i brought 3 dresses i wonder which one i'll choose. i'm so awkward and i don't really want to go downstairs right now. sigh.... i need to relax. i'm only awkward cuz i tell myselfi am... sorta true... i think it just makes it worse. well anywaho i ( Read more... )

i'm in love with him. wtf is my problem?! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he lied to me. he fucking lied to me. why would he say that if it wasn't true?!
i love you
i love him. what the hellllllll
just fucking be my friend again.
i don't want to lose you for another 4 years
god dammit
fuck

Last night we went to a potluck at Rada's house. twas very nice, chill and relaxing. we then ventured to peal st. went to 7 and got wasted. ran into my brother's old roomate. i did a bit of blow while i was super drunk it was fun. hung out with some ppl from work. ventured to nitro which i still have not yet entered. two of our buddies went in and ( Read more... )

ast night was fun. went to amber's surprise birthday party! she was very surprised!!! awesomeness. so things are ok. i still think about him all the time. i'm wondering if he will actually call me back to return my mom's caserole dish.... what the heck??? anyway things are pretty good for me i'm realizing that the only way i'm ever gonna be happy ( Read more... )

i spent and hour and 20 minutes talking to a dell support person today on the phone... i woke up around 5 or 6 am today.... then napped for about an hour this afternoon... i think too much and most of it is negatie thinking but i'm trying to change. i'm doing pretty well. it's been two days but i'm making progress. although there is a lot of doubt ( Read more... )

i've been struggling a lot again... i knew this would happen but hey i got myself into this mess... i miss him and i do care.. i really do care about him and i hope he knows that.. i have no idea how he feels about me.. i kinda fucked up the last time.... being drunk is terrible for me i hate when i do it but in the moment it just seems so ( Read more... )