/ignores point systempomeqranateJuly 19 2011, 10:37:06 UTC
character interpretation: mm, i dig your bianchi. neither she or dino are my forté -- i barely remember what they were like in the manga at this point, haha -- but the way you've written bianchi in this fic and described her really suit her, i think. you balance dino's upbeat, no-longer-quite-so-dame personality with the prompt well, too, though he feels a little too dark sometimes. i don't know if he'd be the type to cheat on someone, even if that someone were a girl he never wanted to marry, for example. that said, i can't actually say that fact's very important to me, as a reader; i like the direction you've taken with these characters even if they don't stick "strictly" to the canon source.
grammar/spelling: i noticed a couple typos here and there, but nothing disruptive.
story flow: major props for you in this section. i love how you've interspersed a flashback within the narrative and the... structure of your sentences? that sounds more awkward than i wanted it to, but -- i don't know, your style during the intimate scene was
( ... )
Thank you so much! ♥ I admit writing them was very tricky, because neither of them are "main" characters, so I'm glad that you enjoyed the way I write them.
As for Dino cheating... well, I suppose the way I interpreted the prompt was that Dino was corrupted. BY ~*LOVE*~. And so. He did this. Or something. I HAD SOMETHING WHILE I WAS WRITING and I lost it midway through. So I thought fuck it all imma keep writing this anyway >:C I suppose a back story would help a little bit. I am thinking of writing more about them. Dino/Bianchi is a very interesting pairing.
Oh..i love both of this mature love..not just pure romantic..but romantic in a depth somehow mindfucking games in politcal sense.. Your Bianchi is sooooo Bianchi..and your Dino is just as he should be..thinking but never blame other person..caring even tho he fell in love with a girl like Bianchi.. And I love how the story flows..and the flashback too.. It's pretty..
Oh, I like this, how everything unfolds slowly, one layer at a time, so that when it all comes clear in the end, it's like a gut punch. This is lovely.
First off -- I half-skipped the smut part due to personal reasons.
Character Interpretation: Personally, I agree with your Dino, the way he is "dark" (I mean, come on, adult mafia boss; from the way he acts around Squalo, he's probably only light around Tsuna and "the kids".) and the way he is daring to the point of consciously getting himself in deep shit. As for Bianchi, the way you have written her (as this classy-seductive, long-legged beauty?) suits her very well.
Grammar/Spelling: Couple of small mistakes. Nothing drastic, though.
Story Flow: Excellent job with the flashbacks. Flashbacks can be difficult to include without disrupting the flow/making things suddenly awkward, but you have used flashbacks very well.
Originality: Original regarding Dino's position/stance/role. However, a lot of Dino/Bianchi are at least R-rated/sex-themed - at least, the ones that pop up on my F-list are.
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grammar/spelling: i noticed a couple typos here and there, but nothing disruptive.
story flow: major props for you in this section. i love how you've interspersed a flashback within the narrative and the... structure of your sentences? that sounds more awkward than i wanted it to, but -- i don't know, your style during the intimate scene was ( ... )
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As for Dino cheating... well, I suppose the way I interpreted the prompt was that Dino was corrupted. BY ~*LOVE*~. And so. He did this. Or something. I HAD SOMETHING WHILE I WAS WRITING and I lost it midway through. So I thought fuck it all imma keep writing this anyway >:C I suppose a back story would help a little bit. I am thinking of writing more about them. Dino/Bianchi is a very interesting pairing.
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oh man, if you do write more dino/bianchi, you have at least one reader on your hands. good luck. ♥
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Your Bianchi is sooooo Bianchi..and your Dino is just as he should be..thinking but never blame other person..caring even tho he fell in love with a girl like Bianchi..
And I love how the story flows..and the flashback too..
It's pretty..
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And thank you. ♥
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Character Interpretation: Personally, I agree with your Dino, the way he is "dark" (I mean, come on, adult mafia boss; from the way he acts around Squalo, he's probably only light around Tsuna and "the kids".) and the way he is daring to the point of consciously getting himself in deep shit. As for Bianchi, the way you have written her (as this classy-seductive, long-legged beauty?) suits her very well.
Grammar/Spelling: Couple of small mistakes. Nothing drastic, though.
Story Flow: Excellent job with the flashbacks. Flashbacks can be difficult to include without disrupting the flow/making things suddenly awkward, but you have used flashbacks very well.
Originality: Original regarding Dino's position/stance/role. However, a lot of Dino/Bianchi are at least R-rated/sex-themed - at least, the ones that pop up on my F-list are.
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