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so..last night i was leaving a voicemail and I said, "I guess, I guess, you just didn't get the memo. Summer started. It's here. Where the fuck are you? I've got a big firework. Mark your calendar. April 27th, tonight, is the first day of summer ( Read more... )

The baby came two weeks ago and I held it and fell in love with him like four thousand times. When _______ went into the hospital I went to the liquor store and grabbed a pint of JD. Later at the bar, I continually checked my phone and then went home after draining a pitcher of Old Style in less than 1/2 an hour. People kept asking me why I was so ( Read more... )

When I got a phone call at 2:21 am this morning I was initially angry. When I hear ______'s voice on the other end, saying she was going into labor, I became elated, began to cry from joy, and said, "Have a happy birthing ( Read more... )

One funny thing about yesterday is whenever any of the three thousand people that I ran into asked me what I was up to tonight I got to say, "Burning an effigy." And then when asked who the effigy was of I simply replied, "Someone who did me wrong ( Read more... )

Tcha. The amount of ridiculous drinking that has gone on for the last three weeks is well, ridiculous. Angie's been home and I recently realized again just how much I love whiskey ( Read more... )

I think the best idea I have had in a long time is the idea I detailed to Kirsten Thursday night which goes like this ( Read more... )

oh i forgot to tell you. the answer to the christmas quiz was: wizard of oz christmas lights and vicodin.

1. i am not in love with a transvestite. that is a bold faced lie. and if i were in love with a transvestite, livejournal would be the last to know.
2. i did not make that last post.
3. ponies are pretty.
4. i did not make those last two lines.
5. but aren't they pretty?

I am in love with a 56 year-old transvestite. We met last night at the bar. We've been drinking ever since to celebrate our recent engagement. We are going to elope.