Picking up the Pieces, 4: A Visit to La Push
Title: Picking up the Pieces
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited/But I couldn't stay away/I couldn't fight it/I had hoped you'd see my face/and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over/Never mind I'll find someone like you/I wish nothing but the best for you too
*~*~*
JPOV
It felt like judgment day as I stood in front of what had been my pack. They were all scrutinizing me. The only one that truly looked happy to see me was little Seth Clearwater, though he wasn't so little anymore. He was probably a legal adult by now.
"So, where have you been all this time?" Sam asked. His voice held no inflection of emotion.
"I've been living just outside of Port Angeles. I got lucky and landed a part-time construction job when I left. I took some college courses - still am in fact - for business and construction."
"Sounds like you're doing well for yourself," Jared finally replied, his voice cold.
I shrugged uncomfortably. "I did what I had to do. I couldn't just sit idly by and do nothing. It was necessary."
"You could have come back here," Embry said. If I had thought Jared's voice was cold…
"It was too painful," I said quietly, trying to look him directly in the eye. "I doubt I can even say how sorry I am to you, to all of you, for how I left. I didn't intend to cut you out of my life, but I was a mess. I let myself drift away, trying not to think how much I missed everyone, because I knew if I did everything would just hurt again."
I glanced down at my hands. They were shaking a little.
"Jake, we're glad to see you," Seth said quietly. "I'm sorry that…"
"Seth, shut up," Paul interrupted, kicking him in the thigh. He turned angry black eyes on me, his mouth twisted with disgust.
"You left us in the lurch, Black. You were too damn focused on that leech-lover, on what happened, to even think about the people who actually gave a shit about you. It's not like she didn't ask for it…"
Paul had risen while he was snarling at me, but I wasn't even sure who had advanced on whom. I landed a satisfying, bone-crunching punch to his jaw. I took a hit, too, but before it could go any further I felt my arms being pinned behind my back.
There was too much confusion, too many voices yelling, to understand what the hell was going on. I yanked away from Seth and Sam, wiping the blood off my mouth. Paul was doing the same.
Quil stood up, shoving me back. "You expect to come back and magically be forgiven? It's not that fucking easy, Jacob."
I felt a strong urge to react to the shove, but reined in my temper. It wouldn't exactly help matters. We all stood, no one knowing what to say to that.
Finally, Leah spoke. "You made an idiotic decision, Jacob. You let a girl come between all of us. A girl we all tried to save for you. A girl who threw it back in our faces and left with the bloodsucker anyway."
I couldn't even defend that. Yes, Bella had come to tell me her choice had been made. She hadn't left immediately, but she had no regard for her life or the choices she had made and how they would affect the people who loved her. She had left with them.
We all stood there, unsure of where to go from here. They began getting ready to leave, picking up their things, and I felt a crushing weight settle on my shoulders. I really had missed them and it hurt worse than I expected that they weren't quite ready to forgive me.
"Tell me how…" I started to say, but my voice began to crack, so I shut up quickly.
Embry looked at me. The hard look in his eyes showed grief and regret. "Are you here to stay?"
I opened my mouth, unsure of how to answer. "I… think so. Or I'll be here often enough. Either way, I'm ready to deal with the fall-out. I'm done hiding."
He nodded, most of them looking at me with the same expression. As I watched them leave, I clung to the look in Embry's eyes and what Emily had said. I could make this right. I knew it would be harder with Bella, though I tried to let her know it wasn't impossible either. There had already been too much hurt when she chose Edward over me, left me behind, and then let everyone believe she was dead.
I sat down on the vacated log, listening to the silence. What the hell was I supposed to do now?
*~*~*
BPOV
I wandered through the candy aisle at the supermarket, craving some kind of chocolate. It was a relief to get away from the suffocating atmosphere at home. It felt like I never had a moment's peace to myself. Edward was always there, worried that I would fall down the stairs or something, I guess. Or Alice was dragging me off to play dress-up. There were times I just wanted to be left alone, but I knew they worried because of the Volturi and the fact I was still human.
I was taking an Intro to Business and Journalism class which I really enjoyed. It afforded me a little more time out of the house, but I was always accompanied to the campus and picked up at the end of class.
I picked out a box of Junior Mints and pushed my cart up to the register to pay. As I perused the magazines, I saw an advertisement about Valentine's Day and candy hearts. On a whim, I added a box to my items and hurried out to my truck. When I got back to the huge house in the forest, I carried everything in and was met by Edward.
"What took you so long? Are you all right?" he asked, taking my face in his hands. I shrugged away, trying to hide the irritation I felt. All I ever felt like was a child anymore.
Edward's golden eyes examined me carefully for a moment. "You know why we are concerned, Bella. You have still not agreed to be turned; there have been vague murmurings from the Volturi."
"I know," I muttered. "I just… need time." I didn't want to admit what was becoming more and more obvious to me.
Edward turned abruptly and left the room. I took out the box of candy hearts, held them tightly in my hand, and tried to fight back the tears.
I woke slowly, the memories still buzzing in my mind, and I tried to shake them clear. It was still early for a visit, but I wanted to get to Jake before he went back to Port Angeles; if he was going back. Charlie was in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. His eyes met mine and there was a silent acknowledgement and appreciation of me staying with him in the living room.
"Dad, I'm going to head down to La Push for a little bit," I told him.
He paused with his coffee cup halfway to his mouth. "Is that… such a good idea?" he asked quietly.
I felt my cheeks warm. "I need to try."
He nodded. "Okay, but Bells? He suffered a great deal over this. I'm surprised I still remember, considering my own…"
He swallowed, looking down at his coffee. "But anyway, I remember. It wasn't good, kiddo. He's probably going to need some time."
I didn't want to imagine what I put Charlie through or what it did to Jake. "Okay," I said softly.
"Keep your phone on," he added. I was surprised he was letting me go alone.
I patted my pocket. "It's on and it's charged. Call me if you need to."
As I drove the familiar roads to the reservation, I wondered and worried about what to say. There were so many things that needed to be said, but I didn't know how to say them. I knew it was going to take time, but I had missed him so much that it was hard to keep that distance.
My truck refrained from its usual gunshot bang thanks to the last mechanic I was at. I hopped out, deciding to try Jake's garage first. I was surprised he was in there, awake at this hour. He was under a car, his lower half sticking out. My eyes wandered before I could stop myself. Jake had always had long legs, lean and muscled, yet I stared at them as if I had never seen them before. His one knee was bent, his work boots scuffed, and the jeans pulled tight over…
A hot flush swept over me. Embarrassed now, I moved back, averting my gaze. Jake began to slide out from under the car, and my eyes shot back and immediately raked over the flat expanse of his stomach to the little bit of skin showing at the hem of his t-shirt. He caught sight of me and stopped dead.
I felt like an idiot. Why did I come here?
His eyes had shuttered again to hide his feelings from me. That was never like Jake. It bothered me because I wanted us to be open with each other, but I was also scared he wouldn't give me the chance to do so.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. He wiped his hands on a rag, meeting my eyes straight on.
"I… wanted to try and explain," I managed to say around the lump in my throat.
He sighed, getting up and stretching his long, muscled body. Dreams of Jacob over the years came rushing back and how it would feel to be held by him in an intimate embrace. My cheeks still felt warm, but I did my best to meet his eyes.
I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. I couldn't tell him, though. He could hurt me too easily that way, and I needed to let him find forgiveness towards me first. I leaned my hip against the counter, looking down at my twisted fingers.
"It wasn't all bad at first," I admitted quietly. "I never stopped thinking about you, trying to keep in touch with you, though. You were my best friend."
He went on the defensive immediately. "Look, Bella, not that I'm some wise old sage now, but you were the first girl I loved. It hurt to talk to you, okay? Not only that, but my pride was wounded."
I gnawed on my lip. "I know. I still constantly regret having hurt you like I did; the way I did."
He began putting his tools in the toolbox. "Yet you couldn't stay away from me when you were here. And you kept up the phone calls after you left. It was rubbing salt in a wound, Bella. It was selfish; wanting that leech, but not giving me any peace or time to mend."
My chin began to shake. "I made a mistake, Jacob. Doesn't it matter to you that's how I think of it? I know it wasn't fair of me, and I'm sorry. I needed you, though. Was that not clear in all the damn messages I left you that first year?" I said, my voice steadily rising. I wanted to cry, but I was angry. The truth is always so much more painful than lies.
He turned to me, his gaze cold. "I couldn't listen to all of them nor could I return most of them. I needed to move on. For now, how about you answer me this? Why the hell did you allow the Cullen's to say you were dead and have it published in the newspaper?"
"The Volturi!" I exploded at him. "Okay? I obviously wasn't turned into a vampire, but they knew Edward and I had married. They sent a letter asking why I wasn't turned and if they would have to take matters into their own hands."
We stood there, glaring at each other.
"And you couldn't inform your family - the people you left behind for your new and wonderful life - that they wouldn't hear from you for awhile and that you were okay?"
"I was not going to risk Charlie's life or Renee's. It was so incredibly hard to make that choice, but I wanted them safe. I wanted you and your pack safe," I said through clenched teeth.
He moved close, almost right in my face now. "The fact that we shift into wolves for the sole purpose of destroying vampires escape you, Bella? You know I would have done what I could."
"They are pretty much the law of the vampire world, Jacob. They are ancient, and I don't think it's as easy as that to destroy them," I snapped back.
"We know how to handle ourselves, Bella. It has been in this tribe, in our stories, for as long as I can remember. It's just a slap in the face that you don't think we can hold our own against your precious leeches, ancient or not. If you had just told me the danger, you could have saved a lot of heartache. I could have told Charlie I heard from you and that you were okay."
"I don't know, Jake. I did what I had to do, and I listened to them when they said it was for the best. I hated the idea, but I just didn't want to bring my danger to someone else yet again."
"Yes, well, we can keep going in circles. You didn't bring danger, but you brought a whole lot of other shit instead. You can sympathize, you can continue to do what you can for Charlie now, but you didn't see what it did to him."
And he told me.
Charlie had literally stumbled, his only support being Billy and Sue at his side. The officer who had heard the news wanted to tell his Chief when he was with friends, away from the station, to save him from the grief while being surrounded by his officers.
Charlie's mouth opened, but no sound came out. He didn't know what to do or to say. He went with denial, shaking his head adamantly. "No, it can't be. I'm sure it isn't Bella."
Deputy Mark silently handed him the newspaper article. Charlie read every word, slowly and carefully. When he finished, the article fluttered from his fingers to the ground, Charlie following as he sank to his knees. Billy kept his hand on Charlie's shoulder while Sue hunkered down with him, holding him.
"Bella," he whispered. "My little girl…"
The memorial service had been short and sweet. Renee had held on to Charlie the whole time, her sobbing only abating for short spurts. Charlie had held on to his ex-wife, Phil standing on the other side knowing it was what they needed. They needed to be together for this and were united in their grief. Charlie's eyes remained dry, but he was brittle, lost, and unfocused. When everyone laid roses down on the soft green grass, he closed his eyes.
He drank beer at the gathering afterward, pulling on it like a lifeline. It was the first of many to come. He wandered through the house, unable to sit or stand still, avoiding everyone he could.
He was usually bleary-eyed the days after, slurring, and he stopped fishing. He managed to stay sober to do his job, but once he was home, it was a different story. He distanced himself from the people who cared about him, too broken to try and maintain a relationship. He sat in the living room, drifting in and out while the television played.
He never noticed the man outside who came to check on him not long after it happened. Charlie laid his head back on the armchair, having finally cried over his loss, and the last words to fall from his lips before restlessly drifting off, "Bella… I love you…"
The recounting of Charlie's reaction had me crying silently. I turned away from Jake, the tears streaming down my cheeks, feeling the need to sink to my own knees. How did I make up for this? Could I ever? Charlie was obviously grateful I was there with him, and he seemed better now with me there, but it ripped me up knowing what I put him through.
Jake never mentioned his own reaction. He had obviously been there to witness Charlie's breakdown, but he remained quiet about himself.
"I'm not saying this to hurt you, Bella. I was there. I went to Alaska, and I came back for the service. I didn't come back after I left the second time, but Billy told me he had sent Embry to check on him. I just wanted you to know how difficult this has been for him, how much he needs you to be here now."
"I'm not leaving," I said shakily, wiping my eyes and gaining hold of my emotions.
He sighed quietly. "Good. Well, I have to head home.
I felt a little wiggle of panic flutter in my chest. "Home? Are you… going back?"
He glanced over at me. "Yes."
He was going to make me ask. I would, but I wouldn't let him see how much it affected me. "Are you coming back?" I asked.
"Yes. There's a job I'll be doing in the area. I have a life in Port Angeles, though. I can't just leave and stay here. There are co-workers, my apartment, my girl… um, my friends…"
"I wasn't asking you to," I replied stiffly. It was obvious he had meant to say girlfriend and a new pain twisted inside me. I was an idiot, thinking we could just go back to normal.
He hesitated before leaving. "I'll talk to you soon, Bella," he finally said.
I nodded, unable and unwilling to speak. He was gone a moment later. I leaned my head in my hands, my mind reeling. My intention was not to cause problems, to hurt someone he was with, but I wasn't giving up. Not when the past couple years all I could think of was Jake. I was going to prove that I loved him and let him make his own choice.
Everything in me wanted him to choose to be with me, but I had done enough damage. He needed to make his own choice. He would know soon enough how I felt about him and we could go from there.
*~*~*
JPOV
As I drove back to Port Angeles, I tried not to think of the tears I had seen and that Bella had tried to hide from me. Even though I was angry at her, and I wasn't sure if I trusted what she said, I had seen the genuine grief on her face.
Her chocolate brown eyes had been watery and filled with a sadness that seemed overwhelming. My fingers had itched to brush the tears away, but I couldn't get over the anger yet. Plus, there was Lila… who would be waiting for me.
I rubbed my forehead, feeling pushed into a position that I couldn't get out of. There was Lila, but I wondered about Bella's intentions, though she hadn't actually said anything. I had no idea what the hell to do. Why Bella couldn't have been upfront about the danger was beyond me. She didn't talk much about the Cullen's, so I wasn't sure what had happened there; if she had been forced into silence or what. That was enough to infuriate me, though.
Still as confused as ever, but knowing I needed to own up to a few things with Lila, I pulled into the lot and parked. I could see the light on in my apartment. I closed my eyes, leaning my head back for a moment. We went into this with nothing serious in mind, but I still didn't relish this conversation.
She was in the kitchen, music turned up loud, working on homework. I shook my head, still amazed at how she could concentrate with all that noise. She looked up and grinned, bouncing out of her seat to give me a quick kiss.
She flicked the music on low and turned with a carefree smile. "Everything okay at home?"
I grabbed a can of Coke from the fridge and sat at the table. "My dad and sister are fine. My friends are pretty pissed, though I don't blame them. You know I took off…"
She nodded, sitting across from me. "Yeah, but we agreed some details didn't need to be talked about. Are we talking about them now?"
Her short cap of blonde hair was pushed behind her ears, making her look even more like a cute little pixie. Her blue eyes were alert and focused on me, the little bow of her mouth curved into a curious smile.
I told her about my relationship with Bella; how she was the first girl I loved, though she had only been my best friend. I told her about Bella's choice and how she married Edward and left. I even told her about how I believed she was dead, eliminating the details I couldn't say, and explained that was why I ran and hadn't gone home since.
"Why on earth would you have believed she was dead?" Lila asked her brow furrowed.
"She says because of whom she was married to - people I never quite trusted to begin with - her life was in danger. She didn't think the news would spread because she was in Alaska, but it did."
"That's horrible," Lila said quietly. Her nose wrinkled the way it did when she was thinking hard. "She really screwed you over, but you still have feelings for her, don't you?"
I rested my head in my hands. "My feelings are so confused, Li. I'm beyond grateful she's alive and that her father isn't suffering anymore. He was always close to my family. It makes me feel so much better knowing she's alive, too, but I'm not sure of what to do anymore. I know our relationship is pretty carefree, but I wanted you to know. I care about you."
She smiled a little and took my hand in hers. "I know you do. I care about you, too. We'll just take things one step at a time, okay? I know your job is taking you back in the area of your home. Should I be worried?"
I struggled with myself, with how much honesty I was displaying. "I need to work things out. I'm furious with her, but she's trying to make amends."
She sighed, looking out the window at the fading light of day. "Just… be honest with me, okay?"
I nodded, already feeling guilty, because despite my anger… I was afraid that I was still in love with Bella.
Chapter 5
*~*~*
AN: I know this is a bit of a depressing chapter, but I left off with that little tidbit for you all. :o) So, what do you think? I sympathize with Bella, but I do think she needs to know what happened. Do you think Jake was too harsh?
And I wanted to give you all a link to this site... http:/ficcontest.info It's the Truly Anonymous Contest. I didn't participate in this, but I just wanted to give some love to our wolfie writers and there are some on there. I think most of us know how hard it is to compete with the vamp stories, so if you're interested, check those wolf stories out and vote! But be aware… this is a rule straight from the site: "Neither writing teams (authors, betas, & prereaders) nor readers may promote or recommend individual stories, even those written by others, in any way."
Hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think! :o)
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited/But I couldn't stay away/I couldn't fight it/I had hoped you'd see my face/and that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over/Never mind I'll find someone like you/I wish nothing but the best for you too
*~*~*
JPOV
It felt like judgment day as I stood in front of what had been my pack. They were all scrutinizing me. The only one that truly looked happy to see me was little Seth Clearwater, though he wasn't so little anymore. He was probably a legal adult by now.
"So, where have you been all this time?" Sam asked. His voice held no inflection of emotion.
"I've been living just outside of Port Angeles. I got lucky and landed a part-time construction job when I left. I took some college courses - still am in fact - for business and construction."
"Sounds like you're doing well for yourself," Jared finally replied, his voice cold.
I shrugged uncomfortably. "I did what I had to do. I couldn't just sit idly by and do nothing. It was necessary."
"You could have come back here," Embry said. If I had thought Jared's voice was cold…
"It was too painful," I said quietly, trying to look him directly in the eye. "I doubt I can even say how sorry I am to you, to all of you, for how I left. I didn't intend to cut you out of my life, but I was a mess. I let myself drift away, trying not to think how much I missed everyone, because I knew if I did everything would just hurt again."
I glanced down at my hands. They were shaking a little.
"Jake, we're glad to see you," Seth said quietly. "I'm sorry that…"
"Seth, shut up," Paul interrupted, kicking him in the thigh. He turned angry black eyes on me, his mouth twisted with disgust.
"You left us in the lurch, Black. You were too damn focused on that leech-lover, on what happened, to even think about the people who actually gave a shit about you. It's not like she didn't ask for it…"
Paul had risen while he was snarling at me, but I wasn't even sure who had advanced on whom. I landed a satisfying, bone-crunching punch to his jaw. I took a hit, too, but before it could go any further I felt my arms being pinned behind my back.
There was too much confusion, too many voices yelling, to understand what the hell was going on. I yanked away from Seth and Sam, wiping the blood off my mouth. Paul was doing the same.
Quil stood up, shoving me back. "You expect to come back and magically be forgiven? It's not that fucking easy, Jacob."
I felt a strong urge to react to the shove, but reined in my temper. It wouldn't exactly help matters. We all stood, no one knowing what to say to that.
Finally, Leah spoke. "You made an idiotic decision, Jacob. You let a girl come between all of us. A girl we all tried to save for you. A girl who threw it back in our faces and left with the bloodsucker anyway."
I couldn't even defend that. Yes, Bella had come to tell me her choice had been made. She hadn't left immediately, but she had no regard for her life or the choices she had made and how they would affect the people who loved her. She had left with them.
We all stood there, unsure of where to go from here. They began getting ready to leave, picking up their things, and I felt a crushing weight settle on my shoulders. I really had missed them and it hurt worse than I expected that they weren't quite ready to forgive me.
"Tell me how…" I started to say, but my voice began to crack, so I shut up quickly.
Embry looked at me. The hard look in his eyes showed grief and regret. "Are you here to stay?"
I opened my mouth, unsure of how to answer. "I… think so. Or I'll be here often enough. Either way, I'm ready to deal with the fall-out. I'm done hiding."
He nodded, most of them looking at me with the same expression. As I watched them leave, I clung to the look in Embry's eyes and what Emily had said. I could make this right. I knew it would be harder with Bella, though I tried to let her know it wasn't impossible either. There had already been too much hurt when she chose Edward over me, left me behind, and then let everyone believe she was dead.
I sat down on the vacated log, listening to the silence. What the hell was I supposed to do now?
*~*~*
BPOV
I wandered through the candy aisle at the supermarket, craving some kind of chocolate. It was a relief to get away from the suffocating atmosphere at home. It felt like I never had a moment's peace to myself. Edward was always there, worried that I would fall down the stairs or something, I guess. Or Alice was dragging me off to play dress-up. There were times I just wanted to be left alone, but I knew they worried because of the Volturi and the fact I was still human.
I was taking an Intro to Business and Journalism class which I really enjoyed. It afforded me a little more time out of the house, but I was always accompanied to the campus and picked up at the end of class.
I picked out a box of Junior Mints and pushed my cart up to the register to pay. As I perused the magazines, I saw an advertisement about Valentine's Day and candy hearts. On a whim, I added a box to my items and hurried out to my truck. When I got back to the huge house in the forest, I carried everything in and was met by Edward.
"What took you so long? Are you all right?" he asked, taking my face in his hands. I shrugged away, trying to hide the irritation I felt. All I ever felt like was a child anymore.
Edward's golden eyes examined me carefully for a moment. "You know why we are concerned, Bella. You have still not agreed to be turned; there have been vague murmurings from the Volturi."
"I know," I muttered. "I just… need time." I didn't want to admit what was becoming more and more obvious to me.
Edward turned abruptly and left the room. I took out the box of candy hearts, held them tightly in my hand, and tried to fight back the tears.
I woke slowly, the memories still buzzing in my mind, and I tried to shake them clear. It was still early for a visit, but I wanted to get to Jake before he went back to Port Angeles; if he was going back. Charlie was in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee. His eyes met mine and there was a silent acknowledgement and appreciation of me staying with him in the living room.
"Dad, I'm going to head down to La Push for a little bit," I told him.
He paused with his coffee cup halfway to his mouth. "Is that… such a good idea?" he asked quietly.
I felt my cheeks warm. "I need to try."
He nodded. "Okay, but Bells? He suffered a great deal over this. I'm surprised I still remember, considering my own…"
He swallowed, looking down at his coffee. "But anyway, I remember. It wasn't good, kiddo. He's probably going to need some time."
I didn't want to imagine what I put Charlie through or what it did to Jake. "Okay," I said softly.
"Keep your phone on," he added. I was surprised he was letting me go alone.
I patted my pocket. "It's on and it's charged. Call me if you need to."
As I drove the familiar roads to the reservation, I wondered and worried about what to say. There were so many things that needed to be said, but I didn't know how to say them. I knew it was going to take time, but I had missed him so much that it was hard to keep that distance.
My truck refrained from its usual gunshot bang thanks to the last mechanic I was at. I hopped out, deciding to try Jake's garage first. I was surprised he was in there, awake at this hour. He was under a car, his lower half sticking out. My eyes wandered before I could stop myself. Jake had always had long legs, lean and muscled, yet I stared at them as if I had never seen them before. His one knee was bent, his work boots scuffed, and the jeans pulled tight over…
A hot flush swept over me. Embarrassed now, I moved back, averting my gaze. Jake began to slide out from under the car, and my eyes shot back and immediately raked over the flat expanse of his stomach to the little bit of skin showing at the hem of his t-shirt. He caught sight of me and stopped dead.
I felt like an idiot. Why did I come here?
His eyes had shuttered again to hide his feelings from me. That was never like Jake. It bothered me because I wanted us to be open with each other, but I was also scared he wouldn't give me the chance to do so.
"What are you doing here?" he asked. He wiped his hands on a rag, meeting my eyes straight on.
"I… wanted to try and explain," I managed to say around the lump in my throat.
He sighed, getting up and stretching his long, muscled body. Dreams of Jacob over the years came rushing back and how it would feel to be held by him in an intimate embrace. My cheeks still felt warm, but I did my best to meet his eyes.
I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. I couldn't tell him, though. He could hurt me too easily that way, and I needed to let him find forgiveness towards me first. I leaned my hip against the counter, looking down at my twisted fingers.
"It wasn't all bad at first," I admitted quietly. "I never stopped thinking about you, trying to keep in touch with you, though. You were my best friend."
He went on the defensive immediately. "Look, Bella, not that I'm some wise old sage now, but you were the first girl I loved. It hurt to talk to you, okay? Not only that, but my pride was wounded."
I gnawed on my lip. "I know. I still constantly regret having hurt you like I did; the way I did."
He began putting his tools in the toolbox. "Yet you couldn't stay away from me when you were here. And you kept up the phone calls after you left. It was rubbing salt in a wound, Bella. It was selfish; wanting that leech, but not giving me any peace or time to mend."
My chin began to shake. "I made a mistake, Jacob. Doesn't it matter to you that's how I think of it? I know it wasn't fair of me, and I'm sorry. I needed you, though. Was that not clear in all the damn messages I left you that first year?" I said, my voice steadily rising. I wanted to cry, but I was angry. The truth is always so much more painful than lies.
He turned to me, his gaze cold. "I couldn't listen to all of them nor could I return most of them. I needed to move on. For now, how about you answer me this? Why the hell did you allow the Cullen's to say you were dead and have it published in the newspaper?"
"The Volturi!" I exploded at him. "Okay? I obviously wasn't turned into a vampire, but they knew Edward and I had married. They sent a letter asking why I wasn't turned and if they would have to take matters into their own hands."
We stood there, glaring at each other.
"And you couldn't inform your family - the people you left behind for your new and wonderful life - that they wouldn't hear from you for awhile and that you were okay?"
"I was not going to risk Charlie's life or Renee's. It was so incredibly hard to make that choice, but I wanted them safe. I wanted you and your pack safe," I said through clenched teeth.
He moved close, almost right in my face now. "The fact that we shift into wolves for the sole purpose of destroying vampires escape you, Bella? You know I would have done what I could."
"They are pretty much the law of the vampire world, Jacob. They are ancient, and I don't think it's as easy as that to destroy them," I snapped back.
"We know how to handle ourselves, Bella. It has been in this tribe, in our stories, for as long as I can remember. It's just a slap in the face that you don't think we can hold our own against your precious leeches, ancient or not. If you had just told me the danger, you could have saved a lot of heartache. I could have told Charlie I heard from you and that you were okay."
"I don't know, Jake. I did what I had to do, and I listened to them when they said it was for the best. I hated the idea, but I just didn't want to bring my danger to someone else yet again."
"Yes, well, we can keep going in circles. You didn't bring danger, but you brought a whole lot of other shit instead. You can sympathize, you can continue to do what you can for Charlie now, but you didn't see what it did to him."
And he told me.
Charlie had literally stumbled, his only support being Billy and Sue at his side. The officer who had heard the news wanted to tell his Chief when he was with friends, away from the station, to save him from the grief while being surrounded by his officers.
Charlie's mouth opened, but no sound came out. He didn't know what to do or to say. He went with denial, shaking his head adamantly. "No, it can't be. I'm sure it isn't Bella."
Deputy Mark silently handed him the newspaper article. Charlie read every word, slowly and carefully. When he finished, the article fluttered from his fingers to the ground, Charlie following as he sank to his knees. Billy kept his hand on Charlie's shoulder while Sue hunkered down with him, holding him.
"Bella," he whispered. "My little girl…"
The memorial service had been short and sweet. Renee had held on to Charlie the whole time, her sobbing only abating for short spurts. Charlie had held on to his ex-wife, Phil standing on the other side knowing it was what they needed. They needed to be together for this and were united in their grief. Charlie's eyes remained dry, but he was brittle, lost, and unfocused. When everyone laid roses down on the soft green grass, he closed his eyes.
He drank beer at the gathering afterward, pulling on it like a lifeline. It was the first of many to come. He wandered through the house, unable to sit or stand still, avoiding everyone he could.
He was usually bleary-eyed the days after, slurring, and he stopped fishing. He managed to stay sober to do his job, but once he was home, it was a different story. He distanced himself from the people who cared about him, too broken to try and maintain a relationship. He sat in the living room, drifting in and out while the television played.
He never noticed the man outside who came to check on him not long after it happened. Charlie laid his head back on the armchair, having finally cried over his loss, and the last words to fall from his lips before restlessly drifting off, "Bella… I love you…"
The recounting of Charlie's reaction had me crying silently. I turned away from Jake, the tears streaming down my cheeks, feeling the need to sink to my own knees. How did I make up for this? Could I ever? Charlie was obviously grateful I was there with him, and he seemed better now with me there, but it ripped me up knowing what I put him through.
Jake never mentioned his own reaction. He had obviously been there to witness Charlie's breakdown, but he remained quiet about himself.
"I'm not saying this to hurt you, Bella. I was there. I went to Alaska, and I came back for the service. I didn't come back after I left the second time, but Billy told me he had sent Embry to check on him. I just wanted you to know how difficult this has been for him, how much he needs you to be here now."
"I'm not leaving," I said shakily, wiping my eyes and gaining hold of my emotions.
He sighed quietly. "Good. Well, I have to head home.
I felt a little wiggle of panic flutter in my chest. "Home? Are you… going back?"
He glanced over at me. "Yes."
He was going to make me ask. I would, but I wouldn't let him see how much it affected me. "Are you coming back?" I asked.
"Yes. There's a job I'll be doing in the area. I have a life in Port Angeles, though. I can't just leave and stay here. There are co-workers, my apartment, my girl… um, my friends…"
"I wasn't asking you to," I replied stiffly. It was obvious he had meant to say girlfriend and a new pain twisted inside me. I was an idiot, thinking we could just go back to normal.
He hesitated before leaving. "I'll talk to you soon, Bella," he finally said.
I nodded, unable and unwilling to speak. He was gone a moment later. I leaned my head in my hands, my mind reeling. My intention was not to cause problems, to hurt someone he was with, but I wasn't giving up. Not when the past couple years all I could think of was Jake. I was going to prove that I loved him and let him make his own choice.
Everything in me wanted him to choose to be with me, but I had done enough damage. He needed to make his own choice. He would know soon enough how I felt about him and we could go from there.
*~*~*
JPOV
As I drove back to Port Angeles, I tried not to think of the tears I had seen and that Bella had tried to hide from me. Even though I was angry at her, and I wasn't sure if I trusted what she said, I had seen the genuine grief on her face.
Her chocolate brown eyes had been watery and filled with a sadness that seemed overwhelming. My fingers had itched to brush the tears away, but I couldn't get over the anger yet. Plus, there was Lila… who would be waiting for me.
I rubbed my forehead, feeling pushed into a position that I couldn't get out of. There was Lila, but I wondered about Bella's intentions, though she hadn't actually said anything. I had no idea what the hell to do. Why Bella couldn't have been upfront about the danger was beyond me. She didn't talk much about the Cullen's, so I wasn't sure what had happened there; if she had been forced into silence or what. That was enough to infuriate me, though.
Still as confused as ever, but knowing I needed to own up to a few things with Lila, I pulled into the lot and parked. I could see the light on in my apartment. I closed my eyes, leaning my head back for a moment. We went into this with nothing serious in mind, but I still didn't relish this conversation.
She was in the kitchen, music turned up loud, working on homework. I shook my head, still amazed at how she could concentrate with all that noise. She looked up and grinned, bouncing out of her seat to give me a quick kiss.
She flicked the music on low and turned with a carefree smile. "Everything okay at home?"
I grabbed a can of Coke from the fridge and sat at the table. "My dad and sister are fine. My friends are pretty pissed, though I don't blame them. You know I took off…"
She nodded, sitting across from me. "Yeah, but we agreed some details didn't need to be talked about. Are we talking about them now?"
Her short cap of blonde hair was pushed behind her ears, making her look even more like a cute little pixie. Her blue eyes were alert and focused on me, the little bow of her mouth curved into a curious smile.
I told her about my relationship with Bella; how she was the first girl I loved, though she had only been my best friend. I told her about Bella's choice and how she married Edward and left. I even told her about how I believed she was dead, eliminating the details I couldn't say, and explained that was why I ran and hadn't gone home since.
"Why on earth would you have believed she was dead?" Lila asked her brow furrowed.
"She says because of whom she was married to - people I never quite trusted to begin with - her life was in danger. She didn't think the news would spread because she was in Alaska, but it did."
"That's horrible," Lila said quietly. Her nose wrinkled the way it did when she was thinking hard. "She really screwed you over, but you still have feelings for her, don't you?"
I rested my head in my hands. "My feelings are so confused, Li. I'm beyond grateful she's alive and that her father isn't suffering anymore. He was always close to my family. It makes me feel so much better knowing she's alive, too, but I'm not sure of what to do anymore. I know our relationship is pretty carefree, but I wanted you to know. I care about you."
She smiled a little and took my hand in hers. "I know you do. I care about you, too. We'll just take things one step at a time, okay? I know your job is taking you back in the area of your home. Should I be worried?"
I struggled with myself, with how much honesty I was displaying. "I need to work things out. I'm furious with her, but she's trying to make amends."
She sighed, looking out the window at the fading light of day. "Just… be honest with me, okay?"
I nodded, already feeling guilty, because despite my anger… I was afraid that I was still in love with Bella.
Chapter 5
*~*~*
AN: I know this is a bit of a depressing chapter, but I left off with that little tidbit for you all. :o) So, what do you think? I sympathize with Bella, but I do think she needs to know what happened. Do you think Jake was too harsh?
And I wanted to give you all a link to this site... http:/ficcontest.info It's the Truly Anonymous Contest. I didn't participate in this, but I just wanted to give some love to our wolfie writers and there are some on there. I think most of us know how hard it is to compete with the vamp stories, so if you're interested, check those wolf stories out and vote! But be aware… this is a rule straight from the site: "Neither writing teams (authors, betas, & prereaders) nor readers may promote or recommend individual stories, even those written by others, in any way."
Hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think! :o)