Picking up the Pieces, 8: A Decision is Made
Title: Picking up the Pieces
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
I was lying to myself pretending to be someone else/You love me so but it's over/Just let me go we're going nowhere/I feel like I'm dead but breathin'/I know because my heart is beatin'/Just let me go 'cause it's over
*~*~*
When I woke, I became aware of a band playing, particularly an enthusiastic drummer. The sound drilled into my head, and I cringed away from it. Where the hell was I? Suddenly, my eyes popped open. That wasn't such a good idea, though, when I felt vaguely nauseous. There was no band or drummer. It was the aftermath of my night out with Leah. I groaned softly, though it sounded more like a plane flying low over the house.
My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth, my stomach pitched and rolled, and I was wearing underwear that barely covered my ass and a tank top that left little to the imagination. I wondered for a very brief second why I was wearing this when I usually wore a little more when it hit me.
Jake had been here, and I had started undressing in front of him.
"Dammit," I groaned. If that hadn't messed up our already messed up relationship, then I didn't know what would. The memories were coming back, and I remembered telling him Leah had suggested we just sleep together and get it over with.
I buried my face in the pillow. There was no way I could talk to him about it. Even if it bothered me he was with Lila, that wouldn't be fair to go and tell him I really meant it. And playing it off as a fluke would just come across as fake. He knew me better than that. We should still talk, though, and I should probably apologize and thank him at the same time. I'd call Leah first and bitch her out for getting me into this mess. It was her fault that Jake had to come inside with me.
"Bells?" I heard my dad outside the door.
Freezing in place, I groaned as another thought occurred to me. Jake got me to my room, and I tried to convince him to sleep with me while my father was just a simple room away! What the heck was wrong with me?
"Yeah, Dad?"
"There was a message for you, honey, from that newspaper you applied at in Port Angeles? I figured you would want to know now…"
I nearly fell out of my bed in my haste to get up and bit back a groan as my head gave one sharp, protesting thump. "Thanks, Dad, I'll be down soon," I said, squeezing my head in my hands, trying to keep it on. At one point while trying to brush my teeth, I knelt over the toilet bowl. My stomach heaved, but settled, and I thankfully leaned back.
Gingerly, I dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved jersey and padded down the steps barefoot. Charlie was sitting at the table, but I moved right past him, desperate for some ginger tea to help settle my stomach even more. God, drinking sucked.
I dipped the tea bag in and heated the water. Grabbing a box of cereal, I nibbled on a dry handful and sipped my tea, my eyes closing gratefully. When I opened them, Charlie was watching me with raised eyebrows.
"So, did you have a fun night?" he asked dryly.
"I guess you could say that," I mumbled, trying to focus on my tea instead of Charlie.
He smirked slightly. "Yeah, I guess if the way you look is any indication…"
My head jerked up, and I regretted it instantly. "What? I look bad?"
He chuckled and drained his coffee. "I have to go to work, so I'll see you around dinnertime."
After he left, when I finished my tea and my stomach was mostly settled, I called the newspaper office back and spoke with the man who did the hiring. He expressed interest in my writing skills and a flicker of excitement sparked in my belly. I danced around in a quiet circle when he told me he wanted to meet with me to discuss a job with them further. We agreed on a date and time.
Once I hung up, I ran upstairs to get dressed. My cell rang, and I saw Leah's name pop up. Grimacing slightly at the memory, I answered.
"So?" she prompted immediately and without any preamble. "Did you lure him into your room and bang him?"
I gave an irritated huff. "No, Leah. And thanks for putting me in that situation," I said irritably. "He helped me to my room and I was stupid enough to tell him what you said. We didn't do anything because that wouldn't exactly be fair, now would it?"
"I can tell something happened - however minor - because you get all blustery when you don't want to admit something."
"You don't know me that well."
"Well enough to know that."
"Whatever," I muttered. "It was a sort-of, but not really kiss and I mostly undressed in front of him. Okay?"
She snickered. "See? Nice, Swan, I didn't know you had it in you."
"It was stupid. I'm not going to make him cheat on Lila even if he wanted to. You of all people shouldn't be encouraging that."
She was quiet on the phone, and I bit my lip, afraid I had upset her or hurt her feelings. "Yeah, well, I wasn't entirely serious. I was mostly just harassing you."
"Sorry," I admitted. "I didn't mean to…"
"No biggie," she interrupted. "I'm over Sam. It was a fucked up situation, but I'm sick of dwelling on it."
We let it drop and she demanded to know what Jake at least looked like when I undressed. It was still new to me to talk about this with someone, but I gave my best effort in telling her even though she made fun of me.
"You should go see him," were her parting words before we hung up.
I knew I should, but I felt silly and stupid. As much as Lila had irritated me, I didn't want to ruin a relationship especially if Jake was happy. No matter how much it hurt. Bolstering my courage, though, I drove to La Push to see if Jake was working today. When I pulled up to Billy's house, I could see the work being done on the construction site for the school.
They were working hard, hauling materials and discussing the blueprints. It was interesting to see Jake at work, and I secretly admired the line of his muscles, his strength, and his ease while doing so. He disappeared into the trailer with some of the men I didn't know. Carefully, I made my way over, knowing I would have to wait until he had a break before seeing how he felt about last night.
"What are you doing here?"
I turned and saw Quil watching me. He was standing nearby drinking a soda and taking a break.
"I'm waiting to talk to Jake," I replied, barely meeting his eyes.
"Are you serious about repairing things with him? Make sure you're serious because anything else isn't acceptable."
I turned toward him, anger stirring me up. "Not that it's really any of your business, Quil, but yes. I am. So, any other obtrusive remarks?"
He stared at me for a moment.
"I'm trying to look out for my brother. Even I can see you have changed, but you didn't see what it did to him. Maybe I should enlighten you."
The news about Bella's death moved slow, trickling down through the people of Forks and La Push. Jake had been in the woods with Quil and Embry, the three of them scouting out areas that had been rumored to be trouble spots for ignorant tourists and an occasional nomad , when Billy called for him. The three of them were immediately worried because Billy's voice didn't sound quite right.
Jake hurried to Billy, Quil and Embry hanging behind. They heard every word Billy told Jake, saw the way Jake's face tightened and froze, and saw when he got into his Rabbit and took off. Billy had been upset, more than Embry and Quil had ever seen.
They waited in silence after telling the rest of the pack the news.
"We should wait until we hear from Billy before going to see if he's okay, right?" Embry asked worriedly.
Quil had agreed and they waited. It was a little later in the day when Emily got a phone call and passed it on to them. Billy was at Charlie's house, so Embry and Quil phased and ran and snuck around front to find Billy waiting for them. Charlie was in the kitchen, haggard and broken.
"Please," Billy said, his voice cracking a little. "He's in Bella's room. You need to get him out of there. I can't get him and Charlie is in no shape to do anything."
They had gone upstairs to find Jake laying on the edge of the bed, holding Bella's pillow against him. He held it as delicately as if it were her. When the two of them moved around to face him it was painful. He was crying quietly; something they had never seen before.
"Jake, buddy, come on. It isn't good for you to be here."
"I don't want to leave," he said woodenly.
Quil laid a hand on his shoulder. "I know, but you have to."
"She's gone," he whispered, his voice breaking.
He didn't even protest when they both took an arm and lifted him off the bed. They supported him down the steps where Billy waited. Jake's dad sucked in a shaky breath. On the way out of the house, Quil and Embry saw Charlie reach out for the briefest second and touch Jake's shoulder. It was the only sign he made that reminded them he was still there mentally.
Embry woke late that night - just as Quil had - when Jake left. They both just knew. There was a note on the floor that simply said "I'm sorry." He had left town.
I felt numb, afraid to breathe for fear I would slide into an abyss and never return. I knew I couldn't do that, though. Not again. So, I sucked in a breath finally and felt that ache that had just started easing recently. Tears slid down my cheeks as I stared blankly at the trailer. "Jake…" I breathed.
Quil looked sympathetic which surprised me. Embry was standing next to him now, too, knowing what I had been told. "Even though we reacted strongly when you showed up here, I'm not saying this to hurt you. You do seem to really be trying, but we won't let you hurt him like that again."
"It was something you needed to know. Just be sure, Bella. Be really sure, okay?" Embry added.
I nodded. When they walked away, the trailer door opened and the men Jake went in there with came out. He didn't, though, so I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Carefully, I wiped away the tears, smoothed down my hair, and took a deep breath. When he called to come in, I opened the door and stepped inside.
He lifted his gaze and our eyes met. "Bella," he said. He didn't seem to know what else to say.
My cheeks felt hot, and I stared down at my hands. Suddenly, I was flinging myself into his arms. A few tears slid down my cheeks.
He stood still for a moment, but tentatively put an arm around me. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly.
"I'm sorry."
"Bella, it's not a big deal…"
"I'm more than sorry," I mumbled tearfully. He seemed to know something else was up as he leaned back to get a look at my face.
When his dark eyes met mine, there was still some anger, still some grief, but also a hint of understanding and that was what gave me hope.
*~*~*
JPOV
I lay in bed in the dark - days after - the soft green glow of the clock showing five in the morning, and Lila's head resting on my arm. I had been awake for almost two hours, my thoughts still on the sort-of kiss and what happened in the trailer. Bella had looked as if she were crying, tears streaking her pale cheeks, and her eyes tinged just a little red. She had apologized, and I had assumed it was for the night before when she was drunk, but when she hugged me and said she was more than sorry I just had a feeling she knew what happened when I found out about her supposed death.
When I was in the trailer with the other supervisors, I had thought I heard Quil talking. He must have told her and the thought made me cringe. It was one of the worst moments - ranking up there with my mom's death and dad's accident - I ever had. It made me feel guilty, too, for what I had put my friends' and my father through.
And it angered me because it made me feel betrayed which was stupid. Bella probably should know how she affected those who love her.
The other night kept running through my mind as well; Bella in her underwear looking so soft and trying to be sultry. It was a sight to behold. Even with her innate clumsiness, she was alluring. It had made me feel guilty just to catch that glimpse of her, to notice her nipples through her tank top, and to see the line of her long, slim leg under the covers leading up to the arch of her hip as she lay in bed telling me we should sleep together.
It was with some realization that I knew Bella wasn't untouched either. She was a little clumsy, but the look in her eyes was enough to know she had been intimate before. The burn in my stomach had been sharp and rather fierce, knowing it was with that piss-ant Edward. My stomach rolled in anger and disgust at the thought. He had risked her life just so he could get his whatever-hundred-year old ass laid. Ugh.
I gave a huff, dispelling those images from my mind.
The bed creaked a bit like it always did when Lila shifted. Her eyes blinked open slowly and she looked up at me. "Did the alarm go off?" she mumbled looking confused.
"No," I replied. "I just can't sleep."
She leaned up onto her elbow, looking down at me.
"Jake, just do what you have to do," she replied quietly. "I know I've been hanging on to you, but I think it's because I've been afraid to try things again on my own."
I reached out and touched a lock of her hair.
"I'm not being fair to you," I admitted. "I'm sorry, Lila."
She smiled a little. "So am I. But you didn't ask for this situation, Jake. It's a strange one, that's for sure."
The bed creaked yet again as I rolled onto my side to face her. "No, but maybe I should have told you anyway. I know we agreed to not be serious, to not talk about what brought us to where we were at the time we met…"
We watched each other a moment, remembering the circumstances.
It had only been a week since my first time with a woman. It had been quick and to the point. The act itself had felt really good, but I knew the emotion was missing. I shrugged it off, not really caring. Maybe my thought had been to have sex with a girl I cared about when I was sixteen, but I was eighteen now and I just wanted to rid myself of my virginity. I was a guy anyway. The decision to stop giving a shit who my first time was with was the right move.
The other decision I made was to find an apartment. I was legal, so I could officially do it and stop sleeping in the construction trailer my one supervisor agreed to let me use. It was a lucky break that he cared enough to do that.
So, I did my usual routine that morning and strode to the café near the construction site and got my usual hot chocolate and cinnamon roll. The apartments were close, so I got an application and filled it out. Later that day, I received a call from the landlord and got lucky. He apparently knew my crew boss and he had put in a good word for me.
When I finished moving in, the grief came on again at the reminder of how much my life had changed, so I went out running. I was trying to escape the pain when I nearly plowed Lila over on the sidewalk.
"Are you okay?" I asked the same time she asked me the same question.
Puzzled, I stared at her.
She was really cute; this pretty blonde pixie. She smiled at me, her blue eyes tinged with their own sadness. "You just look… well, like something bad happened," she said.
"It's a long, complicated story," was all I said. "You look kind of sad, too." To think about it made my stomach hurt, so I changed the subject back to her.
"Yeah, I got out of a, well, bad situation with someone," she murmured not meeting my eyes now.
We were both quiet for a moment when she looked up at me again. "Do you maybe want to go out for dinner tonight?"
I had agreed and that evening we went out to eat, talking about anything but our problems. When she came back to my apartment with me, I apologized for the mess, but she just smiled.
In my bedroom there was nothing but a bed. It didn't matter. That was all we needed. "This is the first time I'm doing this," she admitted. "I mean, you know, so fast."
"I did it once," I told her. She pulled me down, and I lost myself in her, feeling more at peace with her than I had with the other girl.
When we were lying next to each other, she turned to me. "I wouldn't mind doing this again," she told me, looking a little embarrassed.
"This will be casual?" I asked. "I… can't, you know… but I wouldn't mind the company."
She nodded, kissing me. "I understand. I feel the same way," she added. It was our mutual decision to keep this up without involving any feelings.
Lila sighed. When I admitted what happened with Bella, she confessed about her ex hitting her. It had still made me angry when she admitted it because after being with her awhile I had suspected. She promised me she was getting over it and that she would be okay.
I tuned in again when she spoke. "You couldn't have known that Bella would come back. You thought she was dead."
We leaned close - forehead to forehead - and tried to adjust to the fact that this was ending.
"I care a lot about you," I whispered. "You deserve so much more than I can give."
She sniffed. "I feel the same about you. You should be with Bella if that's what you want, though."
I closed my hand around hers, warming it since they were always cold, and breathed out a sigh. "Honestly, Lila, I'm not ready for that. I know what my feelings are, but there are things that need to be worked through. In the meantime, I don't want to hurt you while I try to do so."
"It would be easier with you," I added softly. "I almost wish I could just do that, but I guess love is rarely easy."
"With a little more time to heal, I could have really fallen in love with you, Jake. I guess it wasn't meant to be. You should work through your feelings and give it a try with Bella, though."
The radio started to play on the alarm and the first rays of daybreak began to slip through the curtains. "Do you still want me to be on the project or no?"
"Li, this is important to you, but I want you to feel comfortable. I definitely would love for you to continue, but I don't want you to feel like you have to if it makes you uncomfortable. We could work something out if that would be a problem."
"I think we can work it out. We should probably take some time then to work on our own things, for you to try again at some point with Bella. I wouldn't mind hearing from you again, though. And I mean that in a friendly way."
I smoothed her hair back. "I wouldn't mind it either. We'll see how things go, how everyone feels about it, and go from there."
She nodded, and I kissed her one last time.
*~*~*
BPOV
It was a relatively gloomy day, and I felt the same way. Since I had gone to Jake, found out how much he had been affected by the news of my death, and threw myself at him in apology, I hadn't heard from him. It hadn't been that long, but it still ate at me. Was he still living with Lila? After everything, maybe he had decided he would rather stay with her.
My interview had gone well at the newspaper the other day and they scheduled one more before making their final decision. Even that couldn't fully cheer me up. Leah had come over and tried to make me feel better with her usual brand of sarcastic wit. Rubbing my hands over my face, I stifled a yawn.
To take my mind off of things, I began cleaning. I moved from the kitchen, to the hallway, to Charlie's bedroom, and then my bedroom. When I moved to put my discarded suitcase back into the closet, a picture slipped from one of the pockets. I picked it up, the memory washing over me. It was a snapshot of Edward right before the last time we had been intimate.
Intimacy with Edward was always a little difficult. It took time to get around to it and to actually do it. Edward's fear of hurting me never quite waned because one out of control movement could destroy me.
That had been an argument countless times in the beginning. He had always been careful when we finally did do it, but I longed for something wild and passionate. While it had been really good, it got tedious after awhile when I wanted more.
"Bella, I won't risk killing you just to give you more," he said pulling up his jeans. "I thought how we did this was good for you."
I stared at his back, wishing for a normal intimate experience. He did make it feel good, but something just felt missing.
"It is," I finally replied coolly. "I came, so I guess that's enough." I got out of bed as well and he shot me a reprimanding look. The words that came out of my mouth lately just weren't me.
That was what led me to the coffee shop one day where I met Ethan and then went back to meet him again. We had ended up at his place, me desperate to feel something more, Ethan because he surprisingly really liked me. His hands on my skin had been warm, his lips soft instead of hard, his breathing real instead of faked. When I was half-naked on his bed, I came to my senses. This wasn't me. I was married, and I couldn't do this no matter how many issues there were between me and Edward. So, I had left, feeling like the worst person in the world.
The doorbell interrupted my thoughts, and I went downstairs to answer it. Jake was standing there, looking uncomfortable and as beautiful as ever in faded blue jeans and a black t-shirt. His dark, troubled eyes met mine.
He looked sort of irritated already which didn't bode well, but I chose to ignore that. "Jake?" I questioned. "What, um… are you doing here?"
"We need to talk."
*~*~*
Chapter 9
AN: I know there wasn't a lot of J/B… and to make it worse there were mentions of intimacy with J/L and B/E! ;o) It only seemed fair to give Jake and Lila their back story, though, and how they came to be since their romantic involvement is ending. But for your sakes, I kept it brief, so I hope you enjoyed anyway. Haha There will definitely be more J/B next chapter!
By the way, I self-published my first short story on smashwords! So, let me know if you have any interest in reading some OF and I will link you. :o)
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
I was lying to myself pretending to be someone else/You love me so but it's over/Just let me go we're going nowhere/I feel like I'm dead but breathin'/I know because my heart is beatin'/Just let me go 'cause it's over
*~*~*
When I woke, I became aware of a band playing, particularly an enthusiastic drummer. The sound drilled into my head, and I cringed away from it. Where the hell was I? Suddenly, my eyes popped open. That wasn't such a good idea, though, when I felt vaguely nauseous. There was no band or drummer. It was the aftermath of my night out with Leah. I groaned softly, though it sounded more like a plane flying low over the house.
My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth, my stomach pitched and rolled, and I was wearing underwear that barely covered my ass and a tank top that left little to the imagination. I wondered for a very brief second why I was wearing this when I usually wore a little more when it hit me.
Jake had been here, and I had started undressing in front of him.
"Dammit," I groaned. If that hadn't messed up our already messed up relationship, then I didn't know what would. The memories were coming back, and I remembered telling him Leah had suggested we just sleep together and get it over with.
I buried my face in the pillow. There was no way I could talk to him about it. Even if it bothered me he was with Lila, that wouldn't be fair to go and tell him I really meant it. And playing it off as a fluke would just come across as fake. He knew me better than that. We should still talk, though, and I should probably apologize and thank him at the same time. I'd call Leah first and bitch her out for getting me into this mess. It was her fault that Jake had to come inside with me.
"Bells?" I heard my dad outside the door.
Freezing in place, I groaned as another thought occurred to me. Jake got me to my room, and I tried to convince him to sleep with me while my father was just a simple room away! What the heck was wrong with me?
"Yeah, Dad?"
"There was a message for you, honey, from that newspaper you applied at in Port Angeles? I figured you would want to know now…"
I nearly fell out of my bed in my haste to get up and bit back a groan as my head gave one sharp, protesting thump. "Thanks, Dad, I'll be down soon," I said, squeezing my head in my hands, trying to keep it on. At one point while trying to brush my teeth, I knelt over the toilet bowl. My stomach heaved, but settled, and I thankfully leaned back.
Gingerly, I dressed in jeans and a long-sleeved jersey and padded down the steps barefoot. Charlie was sitting at the table, but I moved right past him, desperate for some ginger tea to help settle my stomach even more. God, drinking sucked.
I dipped the tea bag in and heated the water. Grabbing a box of cereal, I nibbled on a dry handful and sipped my tea, my eyes closing gratefully. When I opened them, Charlie was watching me with raised eyebrows.
"So, did you have a fun night?" he asked dryly.
"I guess you could say that," I mumbled, trying to focus on my tea instead of Charlie.
He smirked slightly. "Yeah, I guess if the way you look is any indication…"
My head jerked up, and I regretted it instantly. "What? I look bad?"
He chuckled and drained his coffee. "I have to go to work, so I'll see you around dinnertime."
After he left, when I finished my tea and my stomach was mostly settled, I called the newspaper office back and spoke with the man who did the hiring. He expressed interest in my writing skills and a flicker of excitement sparked in my belly. I danced around in a quiet circle when he told me he wanted to meet with me to discuss a job with them further. We agreed on a date and time.
Once I hung up, I ran upstairs to get dressed. My cell rang, and I saw Leah's name pop up. Grimacing slightly at the memory, I answered.
"So?" she prompted immediately and without any preamble. "Did you lure him into your room and bang him?"
I gave an irritated huff. "No, Leah. And thanks for putting me in that situation," I said irritably. "He helped me to my room and I was stupid enough to tell him what you said. We didn't do anything because that wouldn't exactly be fair, now would it?"
"I can tell something happened - however minor - because you get all blustery when you don't want to admit something."
"You don't know me that well."
"Well enough to know that."
"Whatever," I muttered. "It was a sort-of, but not really kiss and I mostly undressed in front of him. Okay?"
She snickered. "See? Nice, Swan, I didn't know you had it in you."
"It was stupid. I'm not going to make him cheat on Lila even if he wanted to. You of all people shouldn't be encouraging that."
She was quiet on the phone, and I bit my lip, afraid I had upset her or hurt her feelings. "Yeah, well, I wasn't entirely serious. I was mostly just harassing you."
"Sorry," I admitted. "I didn't mean to…"
"No biggie," she interrupted. "I'm over Sam. It was a fucked up situation, but I'm sick of dwelling on it."
We let it drop and she demanded to know what Jake at least looked like when I undressed. It was still new to me to talk about this with someone, but I gave my best effort in telling her even though she made fun of me.
"You should go see him," were her parting words before we hung up.
I knew I should, but I felt silly and stupid. As much as Lila had irritated me, I didn't want to ruin a relationship especially if Jake was happy. No matter how much it hurt. Bolstering my courage, though, I drove to La Push to see if Jake was working today. When I pulled up to Billy's house, I could see the work being done on the construction site for the school.
They were working hard, hauling materials and discussing the blueprints. It was interesting to see Jake at work, and I secretly admired the line of his muscles, his strength, and his ease while doing so. He disappeared into the trailer with some of the men I didn't know. Carefully, I made my way over, knowing I would have to wait until he had a break before seeing how he felt about last night.
"What are you doing here?"
I turned and saw Quil watching me. He was standing nearby drinking a soda and taking a break.
"I'm waiting to talk to Jake," I replied, barely meeting his eyes.
"Are you serious about repairing things with him? Make sure you're serious because anything else isn't acceptable."
I turned toward him, anger stirring me up. "Not that it's really any of your business, Quil, but yes. I am. So, any other obtrusive remarks?"
He stared at me for a moment.
"I'm trying to look out for my brother. Even I can see you have changed, but you didn't see what it did to him. Maybe I should enlighten you."
The news about Bella's death moved slow, trickling down through the people of Forks and La Push. Jake had been in the woods with Quil and Embry, the three of them scouting out areas that had been rumored to be trouble spots for ignorant tourists and an occasional nomad , when Billy called for him. The three of them were immediately worried because Billy's voice didn't sound quite right.
Jake hurried to Billy, Quil and Embry hanging behind. They heard every word Billy told Jake, saw the way Jake's face tightened and froze, and saw when he got into his Rabbit and took off. Billy had been upset, more than Embry and Quil had ever seen.
They waited in silence after telling the rest of the pack the news.
"We should wait until we hear from Billy before going to see if he's okay, right?" Embry asked worriedly.
Quil had agreed and they waited. It was a little later in the day when Emily got a phone call and passed it on to them. Billy was at Charlie's house, so Embry and Quil phased and ran and snuck around front to find Billy waiting for them. Charlie was in the kitchen, haggard and broken.
"Please," Billy said, his voice cracking a little. "He's in Bella's room. You need to get him out of there. I can't get him and Charlie is in no shape to do anything."
They had gone upstairs to find Jake laying on the edge of the bed, holding Bella's pillow against him. He held it as delicately as if it were her. When the two of them moved around to face him it was painful. He was crying quietly; something they had never seen before.
"Jake, buddy, come on. It isn't good for you to be here."
"I don't want to leave," he said woodenly.
Quil laid a hand on his shoulder. "I know, but you have to."
"She's gone," he whispered, his voice breaking.
He didn't even protest when they both took an arm and lifted him off the bed. They supported him down the steps where Billy waited. Jake's dad sucked in a shaky breath. On the way out of the house, Quil and Embry saw Charlie reach out for the briefest second and touch Jake's shoulder. It was the only sign he made that reminded them he was still there mentally.
Embry woke late that night - just as Quil had - when Jake left. They both just knew. There was a note on the floor that simply said "I'm sorry." He had left town.
I felt numb, afraid to breathe for fear I would slide into an abyss and never return. I knew I couldn't do that, though. Not again. So, I sucked in a breath finally and felt that ache that had just started easing recently. Tears slid down my cheeks as I stared blankly at the trailer. "Jake…" I breathed.
Quil looked sympathetic which surprised me. Embry was standing next to him now, too, knowing what I had been told. "Even though we reacted strongly when you showed up here, I'm not saying this to hurt you. You do seem to really be trying, but we won't let you hurt him like that again."
"It was something you needed to know. Just be sure, Bella. Be really sure, okay?" Embry added.
I nodded. When they walked away, the trailer door opened and the men Jake went in there with came out. He didn't, though, so I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Carefully, I wiped away the tears, smoothed down my hair, and took a deep breath. When he called to come in, I opened the door and stepped inside.
He lifted his gaze and our eyes met. "Bella," he said. He didn't seem to know what else to say.
My cheeks felt hot, and I stared down at my hands. Suddenly, I was flinging myself into his arms. A few tears slid down my cheeks.
He stood still for a moment, but tentatively put an arm around me. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly.
"I'm sorry."
"Bella, it's not a big deal…"
"I'm more than sorry," I mumbled tearfully. He seemed to know something else was up as he leaned back to get a look at my face.
When his dark eyes met mine, there was still some anger, still some grief, but also a hint of understanding and that was what gave me hope.
*~*~*
JPOV
I lay in bed in the dark - days after - the soft green glow of the clock showing five in the morning, and Lila's head resting on my arm. I had been awake for almost two hours, my thoughts still on the sort-of kiss and what happened in the trailer. Bella had looked as if she were crying, tears streaking her pale cheeks, and her eyes tinged just a little red. She had apologized, and I had assumed it was for the night before when she was drunk, but when she hugged me and said she was more than sorry I just had a feeling she knew what happened when I found out about her supposed death.
When I was in the trailer with the other supervisors, I had thought I heard Quil talking. He must have told her and the thought made me cringe. It was one of the worst moments - ranking up there with my mom's death and dad's accident - I ever had. It made me feel guilty, too, for what I had put my friends' and my father through.
And it angered me because it made me feel betrayed which was stupid. Bella probably should know how she affected those who love her.
The other night kept running through my mind as well; Bella in her underwear looking so soft and trying to be sultry. It was a sight to behold. Even with her innate clumsiness, she was alluring. It had made me feel guilty just to catch that glimpse of her, to notice her nipples through her tank top, and to see the line of her long, slim leg under the covers leading up to the arch of her hip as she lay in bed telling me we should sleep together.
It was with some realization that I knew Bella wasn't untouched either. She was a little clumsy, but the look in her eyes was enough to know she had been intimate before. The burn in my stomach had been sharp and rather fierce, knowing it was with that piss-ant Edward. My stomach rolled in anger and disgust at the thought. He had risked her life just so he could get his whatever-hundred-year old ass laid. Ugh.
I gave a huff, dispelling those images from my mind.
The bed creaked a bit like it always did when Lila shifted. Her eyes blinked open slowly and she looked up at me. "Did the alarm go off?" she mumbled looking confused.
"No," I replied. "I just can't sleep."
She leaned up onto her elbow, looking down at me.
"Jake, just do what you have to do," she replied quietly. "I know I've been hanging on to you, but I think it's because I've been afraid to try things again on my own."
I reached out and touched a lock of her hair.
"I'm not being fair to you," I admitted. "I'm sorry, Lila."
She smiled a little. "So am I. But you didn't ask for this situation, Jake. It's a strange one, that's for sure."
The bed creaked yet again as I rolled onto my side to face her. "No, but maybe I should have told you anyway. I know we agreed to not be serious, to not talk about what brought us to where we were at the time we met…"
We watched each other a moment, remembering the circumstances.
It had only been a week since my first time with a woman. It had been quick and to the point. The act itself had felt really good, but I knew the emotion was missing. I shrugged it off, not really caring. Maybe my thought had been to have sex with a girl I cared about when I was sixteen, but I was eighteen now and I just wanted to rid myself of my virginity. I was a guy anyway. The decision to stop giving a shit who my first time was with was the right move.
The other decision I made was to find an apartment. I was legal, so I could officially do it and stop sleeping in the construction trailer my one supervisor agreed to let me use. It was a lucky break that he cared enough to do that.
So, I did my usual routine that morning and strode to the café near the construction site and got my usual hot chocolate and cinnamon roll. The apartments were close, so I got an application and filled it out. Later that day, I received a call from the landlord and got lucky. He apparently knew my crew boss and he had put in a good word for me.
When I finished moving in, the grief came on again at the reminder of how much my life had changed, so I went out running. I was trying to escape the pain when I nearly plowed Lila over on the sidewalk.
"Are you okay?" I asked the same time she asked me the same question.
Puzzled, I stared at her.
She was really cute; this pretty blonde pixie. She smiled at me, her blue eyes tinged with their own sadness. "You just look… well, like something bad happened," she said.
"It's a long, complicated story," was all I said. "You look kind of sad, too." To think about it made my stomach hurt, so I changed the subject back to her.
"Yeah, I got out of a, well, bad situation with someone," she murmured not meeting my eyes now.
We were both quiet for a moment when she looked up at me again. "Do you maybe want to go out for dinner tonight?"
I had agreed and that evening we went out to eat, talking about anything but our problems. When she came back to my apartment with me, I apologized for the mess, but she just smiled.
In my bedroom there was nothing but a bed. It didn't matter. That was all we needed. "This is the first time I'm doing this," she admitted. "I mean, you know, so fast."
"I did it once," I told her. She pulled me down, and I lost myself in her, feeling more at peace with her than I had with the other girl.
When we were lying next to each other, she turned to me. "I wouldn't mind doing this again," she told me, looking a little embarrassed.
"This will be casual?" I asked. "I… can't, you know… but I wouldn't mind the company."
She nodded, kissing me. "I understand. I feel the same way," she added. It was our mutual decision to keep this up without involving any feelings.
Lila sighed. When I admitted what happened with Bella, she confessed about her ex hitting her. It had still made me angry when she admitted it because after being with her awhile I had suspected. She promised me she was getting over it and that she would be okay.
I tuned in again when she spoke. "You couldn't have known that Bella would come back. You thought she was dead."
We leaned close - forehead to forehead - and tried to adjust to the fact that this was ending.
"I care a lot about you," I whispered. "You deserve so much more than I can give."
She sniffed. "I feel the same about you. You should be with Bella if that's what you want, though."
I closed my hand around hers, warming it since they were always cold, and breathed out a sigh. "Honestly, Lila, I'm not ready for that. I know what my feelings are, but there are things that need to be worked through. In the meantime, I don't want to hurt you while I try to do so."
"It would be easier with you," I added softly. "I almost wish I could just do that, but I guess love is rarely easy."
"With a little more time to heal, I could have really fallen in love with you, Jake. I guess it wasn't meant to be. You should work through your feelings and give it a try with Bella, though."
The radio started to play on the alarm and the first rays of daybreak began to slip through the curtains. "Do you still want me to be on the project or no?"
"Li, this is important to you, but I want you to feel comfortable. I definitely would love for you to continue, but I don't want you to feel like you have to if it makes you uncomfortable. We could work something out if that would be a problem."
"I think we can work it out. We should probably take some time then to work on our own things, for you to try again at some point with Bella. I wouldn't mind hearing from you again, though. And I mean that in a friendly way."
I smoothed her hair back. "I wouldn't mind it either. We'll see how things go, how everyone feels about it, and go from there."
She nodded, and I kissed her one last time.
*~*~*
BPOV
It was a relatively gloomy day, and I felt the same way. Since I had gone to Jake, found out how much he had been affected by the news of my death, and threw myself at him in apology, I hadn't heard from him. It hadn't been that long, but it still ate at me. Was he still living with Lila? After everything, maybe he had decided he would rather stay with her.
My interview had gone well at the newspaper the other day and they scheduled one more before making their final decision. Even that couldn't fully cheer me up. Leah had come over and tried to make me feel better with her usual brand of sarcastic wit. Rubbing my hands over my face, I stifled a yawn.
To take my mind off of things, I began cleaning. I moved from the kitchen, to the hallway, to Charlie's bedroom, and then my bedroom. When I moved to put my discarded suitcase back into the closet, a picture slipped from one of the pockets. I picked it up, the memory washing over me. It was a snapshot of Edward right before the last time we had been intimate.
Intimacy with Edward was always a little difficult. It took time to get around to it and to actually do it. Edward's fear of hurting me never quite waned because one out of control movement could destroy me.
That had been an argument countless times in the beginning. He had always been careful when we finally did do it, but I longed for something wild and passionate. While it had been really good, it got tedious after awhile when I wanted more.
"Bella, I won't risk killing you just to give you more," he said pulling up his jeans. "I thought how we did this was good for you."
I stared at his back, wishing for a normal intimate experience. He did make it feel good, but something just felt missing.
"It is," I finally replied coolly. "I came, so I guess that's enough." I got out of bed as well and he shot me a reprimanding look. The words that came out of my mouth lately just weren't me.
That was what led me to the coffee shop one day where I met Ethan and then went back to meet him again. We had ended up at his place, me desperate to feel something more, Ethan because he surprisingly really liked me. His hands on my skin had been warm, his lips soft instead of hard, his breathing real instead of faked. When I was half-naked on his bed, I came to my senses. This wasn't me. I was married, and I couldn't do this no matter how many issues there were between me and Edward. So, I had left, feeling like the worst person in the world.
The doorbell interrupted my thoughts, and I went downstairs to answer it. Jake was standing there, looking uncomfortable and as beautiful as ever in faded blue jeans and a black t-shirt. His dark, troubled eyes met mine.
He looked sort of irritated already which didn't bode well, but I chose to ignore that. "Jake?" I questioned. "What, um… are you doing here?"
"We need to talk."
*~*~*
Chapter 9
AN: I know there wasn't a lot of J/B… and to make it worse there were mentions of intimacy with J/L and B/E! ;o) It only seemed fair to give Jake and Lila their back story, though, and how they came to be since their romantic involvement is ending. But for your sakes, I kept it brief, so I hope you enjoyed anyway. Haha There will definitely be more J/B next chapter!
By the way, I self-published my first short story on smashwords! So, let me know if you have any interest in reading some OF and I will link you. :o)