It occurs to me that every interaction is a badly disguised commentary to myself.

This is the most prolongedly miserable weather I've ever seen. One sunny day in ten, everything permeated by gray. Everything has slowed down to a near stop; it's not a matter of nothing to do but a complete pleasure vaccuum: there's no joy in anything, hardly anything in anything anyhow. I blame the rain entirely.

It's tolerable now. Nice temperature, good music, nothing to do, nowhere to go-o. I'm comfortable in my head, soft to the skin, but my shivery spine won't let me rest ( Read more... )

I need a connection. I feel that those who know me, save three or four, feel only apathy in connection with me. I suppose I could say the same for them. There's no specific charge, only a general, frantic enthusiasm for the pursuit. I must make the effort - as always - I have to make an effort. The odds are that I will feel something, sometime ( Read more... )

I admire Allison's ability to maintain friendships. I watch friendships fade away, I willfully end them, I fail to cultivate some that could quite easily go somewhere...I suppose this comes with a knowledge, deduced from experience, that nothing lasts. It's a vestigial structure, I guess. I'm just not sure how to go about maintaining interpersonal ( Read more... )

Dan Johnson said last week that people don't learn to reason, aren't even capable of reason, until around age 16 or 17. Today I trifled with the possibility that what Jamie says is true and I'm not even supposed to have a purpose now. How frustrating, how infinitely ungraspable. This reminds me of what Allison told me in outlining her disbelief in ( Read more... )

Daily entry, right here. Today was more boring than yesterday was more boring than the day before...I don't want to go back to school, but Christ. I did manage to write my three-page psych case study in an hour and a half. This gave me a nice, accomplished feeling, but walking around after I emailed it to Rich I noted a lack of relief, which I ( Read more... )

I hate when abstract reasoning runs up against real life ( Read more... )

No, I don't know anyone - not really. I know myself, yes, I know myself through and through; I crave an experience to throw me for a loop and leave me utterly reeling with inability to cope. I've reasoned myself out of any ability to feel. Personal utopia at age 17. But others, even those I see every day...yes I know [take a moment to note this ( Read more... )

For about two days everything was settled and simple and I drifted through hours rested and thoughtless. Gosh, my life is funny. All I could think is, my life sure is funny ( Read more... )