be kind, unwind, 5/6
XXVII.
Every time he walks into Jared's rero, it gets harder and harder to get undressed. He actually has to put an effort in to get relaxed, which Jensen thinks kind of defeats the point of getting a massage. He still thinks Jared's a pretty awesome guy and conversation still kind of flows freely between them, or he would like to believe he's getting pretty good at pretending it is. It's not that Jared's suddenly lost his touch - not at all, with every appointment, it seems Jared's found another way to perfect his techniques.
But that's actually part of the problem. When he's up on Jared's table and he's got his hands all over him, his body seems to think it's Christmas and gets into the party-mood. Which is perfectly normal, Jensen tells himself, since Jared pretty much knows every inch of his body as well as his girlfriends ever did. Well, almost every inch. The part that doesn't know him is trying very hard to get introduced, though.
It's crazy. He doesn't like guys. He's never been remotely attracted to guys, ever. So the way he reacts to Jared obviously is purely because he subconsciously assumes that if Jared can make him feel this good by just rubbing his back, it must be out of this world if he's got his great, big, talented hands on his hard-on.
Just then, he takes Jensen's wrist and puts his arm above his head, holding it there, so Jared's other hand has more room to massage the soft inside of his upper arm and his left side. Jensen goes cross-eyed and he has to hold his breath, trying to keep from pressing into Jared and guiding him a little more south. He doesn't know if it's because Jared's found another particularly sensitive spot on his ribs, or the fact that he can manipulate Jensen's body so easily, pin it down without the least bit of effort, that makes him tense up, but he shifts so his forehead is resting on the table before he manages to exhale.
If Jared's ever noticed, he's never said anything about it, but today he frowns and pinches Jensen's hip softly to get his attention. 'You alright, man? You're not getting ticklish all of a sudden, right?'
Jensen clears his throat clumsily and tries to come up with a lie that Jared could actually believe. 'No, no. Don't worry about it. It's - work is a bit. Just having a hard time shutting off my brain today.'
Jared nods, but he doesn't seem entirely convinced. He moves away from Jensen's side, though, and turns his attention to his legs. Getting his thighs massaged is not helping.
After a moment, Jared speaks again. 'Listen, I know we're not like, bffs or anything, but if you wanna talk...'
He doesn't have to finish his sentence and Jensen thinks, why not? He has always felt comfortable around Jared before this and he seems like a pretty open-minded, easy-going guy. So maybe if he just throws it all out, explains that it's not like he has a crush on him or anything, but that his body's a bit confused right now, it'll be enough to clear up the tension and they can just go back to the way it was before that.
Jensen's about to take him up on his offer when there's a knock on the door and Sandy peeks in. 'Sorry,' she says, smiling brightly at both of them. 'Hi, Jensen.'
'No, that's okay,' Jared says and motions for her to get in.
It's not the first time it's happened. Sandy and Jared work different hours and with his busy schedule, she sometimes doesn't have a choice but to barge in when he's with a client. In the beginning, Jared excused himself and talked to her outside for a minute, but Jensen likes Sandy, talks to her almost as easily as he does with Jared, and it wasn't long until they included him in their conversations.
'Hey.' Jensen relaxes a bit now there's a third party in the room. 'This guy put you on his schedule yet?'
'Not even close,' Sandy says and rolls her eyes. 'I think I ruined all my chances when I slaughtered him in Halo.'
'Hey, you made your bed, you lie in it,' Jared says as he points at her, but Jensen can tell he's trying not to laugh. 'You know I have no problem doing it at home.'
'Speaking of which,' Sandy says and winces. 'I'm about done here and I just noticed I forgot my keys in the apartment when I went back for lunch. Mind if I take yours?'
'Sure, you know my locker-combo,' Jared says. 'You going out later?'
'Not that I know of. I'll be home to let you in. Thanks,' she says, already turning back to the door to leave. But then she stops and looks back. 'Oh, I almost forgot. Misha left another message on the machine, asking you out again. You know, if you're really not interested, you shouldn't let it drag on like this.'
Jensen lifts his head when he hears it and looks from Sandy to Jared and back with raised eyebrows. It's not that he and Jared talk a lot about their relationships, like Jared said, they've mostly talked about superficial stuff, but he thinks he might've mentioned Danneel every once in a while. He hasn't heard about Jared's girls ever since he mentioned playing Guitar Hero with one, so he's just assumed he hasn't had dates. It's weird to realize he did.
Jared sighs and his hands, that are just resting on Jensen's back, tense up ever so slightly. 'No, it's not that I'm entirely not interested,' he says hesitantly and Jensen cranes his neck to look at him. It's the first time Jensen's ever seen him so uncomfortable and squirmy, avoiding everyone's eyes. 'It's just that - you know.'
'Yeah. I know.' Sandy nods as she opens the door. 'But Misha's a good guy, Jared. I just don't think you're being very fair to him, that's all.'
She's already left for a couple of minutes by the time it dawns on Jensen that Misha apparently is a man, and he can't quite stop himself from saying, 'Wait. Guy?'
'Oh, right,' Jared says, like he was hoping to get away with it without Jensen noticing. His voice is shaky, as if he's nervous, and he stops massaging Jensen entirely, taking a step back. In spite of the sheer size of him, Jared actually looks small. 'I'm-'
'You're gay?' Jensen bites out, sitting up. He's pretty sure his time's up anyway. He doesn't mean to sound as angry as he does, he's just shocked. He realizes they haven't had weekly heart-to-hearts and it's not like he told Jared the complete truth about Danneel, but it's weird to think he doesn't know Jared as well as he thought. 'What about all the girls you were dating?'
Jared doesn't speak for a moment, still avoiding his eyes. 'Well. I just said I was dating,' he says quietly. 'You assumed they were girls. I didn't-'
'Why didn't you tell me?' Jensen interrupts him, still sounding gruff.
'I didn't realize I was supposed to. It's not exactly something you casually drop in a conversation, Jensen,' Jared answers, and while his voice isn't raised exactly, it's louder than Jensen's ever heard it. His shoulders are tense, arms held out rigidly beside him, as if somehow, he's expecting this to come to blows. 'I'm not wrong for not introducing myself to people as Jared Who Takes It Up The Ass. It's wrong of people to automatically think I don't.'
Jensen flinches at Jared's words, not just because they are more crude than he's used to of him and he somehow didn't think him capable of it, but also because - well. That was a very graphic description and Jensen's downstairs brain more than gets the picture.
Jared, however, misinterprets Jensen's reaction completely and sighs deeply, letting his shoulders sag. He turns away from him, starts cleaning up the lotions and towels, and asks, 'Is this gonna be a problem?'
'What? No,' Jensen answers, without thinking. 'I'm just- I'm surprised, that's all.'
'Okay,' Jared says with a mirthless smile, craning his neck as if to look at Jensen, but his eyes remain firmly fixed on the bottles in front of him.
For a moment or two, Jensen doesn't know what to do or say, so he just stays up on the massage table with a towel clutched to his chest as if it was a shield. In the end, though, he realizes Jared has no intention of speaking to him anymore, so he finally gets up to get dressed and leave.
Fine, so he didn't handle this one well. He doesn't even know why it upsets him that Jared didn't tell him he was into guys - and he has to assume it's because he didn't tell him he is gay, not because he is gay, because that would be pretty lame of him, considering Jared and his massive hands are making him doubt his own sexuality.
He takes one more look at Jared when he's already by the door. He's still rearranging stuff that's already neatly ordered, his face not betraying a single emotion, like a mask. It's weird seeing him like that, Jensen didn't think Jared could hide anything and what's more, he doesn't want Jared to hide anything, not from him. He nearly speaks then, he opens his mouth and everything, but then he thinks that he's probably only going to make it worse now, whatever he says. So he just tightens his hold on the doorknob and leaves.
XXVIII.
When Jared asked if it was gonna be a problem, it hadn't even occurred to Jensen that it might be. He'd thought it was a weird question, really. But now that he has time to think about what this actually means, well. It's not helping Jensen's predicament.
First of all, he's still kind of pissed that Jared never told him, never even tried to correct him when he kept asking about girlfriends. He realizes he probably has no right to be angry about that, but it really doesn't sit well with him that - while he was half-naked and at Jared's mercy on that table, and being more honest than he'd probably been with any other human being in the last year - Jared kept him completely in the dark. Okay, Jensen left out a couple of details here and there, maybe, but not like that. He didn't purposely keep things from Jared.
Except for the fact that he doesn't have a life, maybe. But it's not the same.
There's a nagging voice in the back of his head that says that if the defeat he could hear in Jared's voice is anything to go by, he probably had a good reason to keep quiet about it - that it probably wasn't the first time someone reacted like he had. And that possibly annoys Jensen even more, because he wouldn't have gotten angry if Jared told him about all this. And why the hell would he ever think he'd judge someone for being gay? What reason did he ever give him to lump him in with that sort of people? He thought Jared knew him better than that. Or he had hoped, maybe.
Secondly, and that is much more disturbing to Jensen, he keeps thinking about the fact that Jared. Is. Gay.
Just imagining what those hands could do was bizarre enough to begin with. Thinking that whatever plays out in his fantasies could potentially happen - that it's pretty much normal as far as Jared's sex life is concerned - is absolutely disastrous.
He refuses to get into it, though. Christ, his body should know the difference between sex and just a massage, but it appears that somehow, it missed class that day. So Jensen decides that he will make it understand - he'll condition it: relaxation is on certain days at fixed hours, orgasms are on and at others and both things are entirely unrelated, completely separated. So whenever his body gets wound up and overexcited because of Jared and his fucking gargantuan hands, he will ignore it until he manages to meet up with Danneel. Which is really unfortunate, since she's got a life of her own, things to do and places to be, and it really wouldn't be fair of him to have blown her off as often as he has, but still expect her to be at his beck and call.
He knows it won't be easy. It's not easy going back to Sandover to face Jared, either.
When he gets into his rero, he's not even thinking about taking his clothes off yet, because he's not even sure Jared will still want to work on him. God, he's nervous, like he's going on a date.
Jared doesn't seem entirely comfortable either. He's leaning back against the hutch at the other end of the room with the stereo player on it. His arms are crossed over his chest protectively, feet closely together, and the look he's giving Jensen tells him the guy is actually scared.
They stare at each other for a moment, in complete silence. It makes Jensen want to cringe and tell him everything, but he's not entirely sure he can explain properly what's going on with him. The moment he's managed to gather the courage to do it, though, Jared seems to have made up his mind too and speaks first.
'You can put your clothes on the chair by the door, and when you're done, just hop up on my table,' he says. He's still avoiding Jensen's eyes, but he does flash him a tiny smile and his voice is cheerful as ever. It's almost like -
Like they're talking for the first time. This is Jared's friendly, impersonal voice. The one that makes you think he's an open, friendly,” no secrets” kind of guy. It's the voice he reserves for new clients and Jensen's blind with rage for a split second, before he realizes that he's the one who made the mess and it's only right that he should clean it up.
'Jared, listen,' Jensen says awkwardly. He has no idea what he's going to say. 'I - er. I'm. I didn't mean to react the way I did, last time. I've got no problems whatsoever with you being gay. Or anybody, for that matter.'
When he sees Jared wants to interrupt, undoubtedly to brush aside the entire thing, he continues quickly. 'No, I mean it, man. It's not my place to judge, at all, trust me. I've got gay friends too, you know, and they're awesome people.'
That really did not come out right. Jared shifts clumsily and keeps his arms crossed tightly, but he does meet his eyes for the first time and Jensen thinks that's something, at least. 'Look, as long as you're happy, no one that cares about you is going to trip over the gender you're happy with, is what I'm trying to say. I guess I was just surprised you didn't tell me.'
God, he's resorting to quoting Chris now, he must be really fucking desperate - but it works, because Jared's face clears. Not entirely, but enough to tell Jensen he's relieved and happy with what he's heard. He flashes him a genuine smile, letting the tension flow out of his shoulders and says, 'Thanks, man. It means a lot. Now get on up here and let me get my hands on you.'
Jensen smiles back and feels his stomach deflate, feels the knot in his gut untie and all the other cliché things they say about moments like these. They're all true.
It seems as if Jared's trying his best to make up for what happened as well, as if it's his fault that Jensen's filter turns off when he's around Jared, or as if he's grateful Jensen's finally shown he's got some common sense in him after all, because it's the best damn massage he's ever given him. He takes his time, uses every minute to the fullest to get Jensen's entire body to melt into the massage table.
Damn. He wishes Jared wasn't gay.
*
It's a good thing he still has Danneel. He's pretty sure he would've exploded by now if he hadn't, or his arm would have fallen off.
And there's only so much relief he can give himself. In fact, it makes him even more frustrated, because every time he comes down from his high, it feels like the coldest shower in the world to realize that he's all alone in his big bed - or even worse, his near-sterile bathroom - listening to his own loud panting in an otherwise completely silent house. There are no warm hands to tease the adrenaline from under his skin, there is no one to put a head on his chest or to crack a silly joke. No one to share this with and it's the most miserable he's ever felt, so Jensen doesn't want to put himself through that any more than necessary. (And God, that's something he never thought he'd think about getting off.)
Which results in him slacking off at work, taking delegating to a whole new level, because he simply cannot concentrate on anything for longer than an hour. He takes every chance he gets to get some distraction and making sure that Vaughan's ads are just a bit more square and a bit less orange or whatever, is not distracting at all. It's boring and boring causes his mind to wander, so he needs something that's just as exciting as what Jared does to his body. However, going to watch Chris and Steve perform and getting drunk isn't much better either, because it only makes him hornier.
He realizes that he has to snap out of this, and fast, because his designers are starting to look at him funny and Morgan has made perfectly clear that he will not tolerate Jensen slacking off. So when he answers his phone and Jared greets him enthusiastically, he already knows he can't keep doing this.
'There's this older woman that canceled her appointment at nine,' he says easily. 'You coming?'
'Jared,' he says uncomfortably, 'I don't know. I don't think I can make it this time. Work is quite hectic.'
'Oh.' Jensen can almost hear Jared's face fall. 'No, I get it. Work comes first. So, I'll - next time then.'
'Yeah, next time,' Jensen echoes before he hangs up and slams his head down on his desk, groaning.
'You know, I'm pretty sure that masseur will see you either way,' a voice says from the door. 'You don't actually have to have a headache.'
He looks up and sees Danneel, leaning causally in the door frame. He squints at her, wondering if he asked to meet her and forgot all about it, but he smiles at her anyway.
'Actually, I just canceled my appointment with him,' Jensen tells her, gesturing for her to come in and take a seat. 'Too busy.'
'Really?' Danneel eyes him suspiciously. He hasn't told her what's going on, but she's quick to pick up on things and she knows him almost as well as his mother does. She knows that all the times he asked to see her and didn't show didn't have anything to do with files he forgot to finish and he's well aware he might have talked about Jared a bit too often not to draw attention to it.
He doesn't think she actually suspects that he's asking to meet up with her so often lately because of Jared, but even if she did, she wouldn't call him on it. They're not together anymore and she doesn't want to meddle in his personal life, even if she still cares for him a great deal.
As he does for her, obviously.
'Too busy to celebrate some really good news?' she asks cheerfully.
'You're not pregnant, are you?' Jensen asks.
'What are you, insane?' Danneel nearly yells. 'No, I just got a call from my agent. They want me to go to Milan for a fashion show.'
He sees the excitement in her face and gets up immediately to hug her. 'Danneel, that's great,' he says, and he really genuinely is happy for her. 'How long will you be gone?'
'Three weeks, at least, but it'll probably be longer. I'm leaving day after tomorrow,' she says, bouncing from foot to foot. 'I get to work for a couple of really great designers, Jensen. This is like a dream come true. So?'
'You know I'm never too busy to celebrate that,' he tells her and grabs his phone immediately to send out texts to Chris and the others, asking them to meet up in the bar in a couple of hours. 'Let's go grab something to eat and we'll see where the night ends.'
XXIX.
The night doesn't end early, that's for sure. After he buys Danneel a three-course dinner, they end up in the bar on what's apparently karaoke-night. Tom is already up on stage raping a Bon Jovi-song when they get in and Steve's trying to put down another round of drinks on a table full of empty glasses.
'What's all this? Is there a ban on alcohol starting tomorrow?' Jensen asks when he takes a seat, pulling Danneel down on his lap.
'We have to properly celebrate Danneel going away, don't we?' Chris says happily, slapping a hand down on his shoulder.
Jensen throws him an angry look, but she just smiles sweetly at him, takes his beer from under his nose and downs it completely. 'Exactly, big boy,' she says, imitating Chris's accent. 'So why don't you get on over to the bar and get us a couple more drinks?'
For a moment, Jensen thinks Chris is gonna murder her. But then he slaps his knee and smiles again. 'You got it, ma'am.'
Danneel laughs loudly as he walks away and turns to whisper in Jensen's ear, 'Man, he really hates me, doesn't he?'
'Well, if he didn't before,' Jensen answers, laughing too, 'he certainly does now.'
'Hey, Jensen,' Steve says, nudging him with an elbow. 'Who's that guy? You think Mike wasn't kidding about crushing on men?'
'What?' Jensen frowns and follows Steve's eyes towards the entrance. 'Who -'
He stops talking mid-sentence, though, because towering behind Mike is Jared. He's looking a bit out of place and he's smiling shyly, as if he knows it too. He's even more impressive now, in his own clothes, than in the Sandover-scrubs. He's wearing an old pair of jeans, clearly worn up to perfect fit, and a dark blue plaid shirt with rolled-up sleeves that emphasize how massive and muscular his arms are. Jensen's mouth goes a little dry as he takes him in from top to bottom.
'Oh, I hope it was a joke,' Danneel says, staring at him too. 'That guy is hot.'
Mike's found them by now and is guiding Jared towards their table. Jensen gets up quickly and without warning, so Danneel kind of has to jump off clumsily.
Jared's laughing at something Mike's telling him, but when his eyes land on Jensen, his face falls completely.
'Jared,' Jensen says lamely. He feels like he's just been caught cheating. 'What are you doing here?'
'I, er,' Jared tells him and glances awkwardly at everyone. 'Mike said he was meeting friends for drinks and I was off early, so.'
It doesn't sound like he's accusing him of anything, but Jensen swallows and looks at the floor anyway. 'Yeah, I -'
'I didn't know you were going to be here,' he adds with a shrug, as if he's the one who should be apologizing.
'Me neither,' Jensen says quickly. 'I mean, I wasn't planning on coming. I really do have work, but -'
'It's my fault,' Danneel interrupts, 'I'm entirely too successful in everything I do and I needed someone to celebrate that with. It took a lot of convincing, though. I take it you're the infamous Jared?'
'I wouldn't know about infamous,' Jared says. He sounds just as jovial and friendly as ever, but Jensen can tell he's got his guard up.
'Coming from her, that's a compliment,' Mike says dryly and offers Jared a beer. 'She is one tough cookie. Jensen obviously is the girl in their relationship.'
Jensen feels his stomach drop when he hears, he wants to say something about it, deny that there's any sort of relationship whatsoever, but why should he, really? He's not crushing on Jared, it's just something physical and it's never going to happen anyway. Danneel can perfectly satisfy him and Jared was dating someone else, so it's doesn't matter.
Jared's eyes dart quickly from her to Jensen and back before he offers her a hand, that Danneel - being Danneel - completely ignores and she gives him a short hug instead. Which Jensen takes as his cue to finally introduce her. 'The equally infamous Danneel,' he says and tries to smile. 'She's leaving for Milan in a couple of days, to do fashion shows.'
'Congratulations!' Jared says, genuinely happy, as if he's known her for years. 'Me and my friend Sandy went backpacking through Europe right after high school, we spent a couple of days in Milan. It's a great city.'
'Really? Tell me all about it,' Danneel says enthusiastically and drags him off.
*
Jensen's been hauled up on stage twice by the time he finds them again and first thing that happens is that Danneel slaps him hard on the arm.
'You never told me this guy was from the south too,' she scolds him.
'You're from Louisiana?' Jensen asks, surprised.
'Texas, actually,' Jared answers. He's looking a lot more relaxed, like the Jared Jensen knows. 'San Antonio, born and bred.'
'Get out,' Jensen says. 'I'm from Dallas.'
'Danneel just told me,' Jared says, laughing. 'How did we manage to miss that?'
'I don't know.' It does puzzle Jensen, because when he hears Jared speak now, there's no missing the slow drawl in his vowels. Or maybe that's just because of the alcohol. 'Staying strictly business, I suppose.'
'Maybe you should remedy that,' Danneel says, as she lifts her bottle of beer in a toast, and winks at Jensen, before she turns and leaves.
'She's something else,' Jared says as they both look after her.
At that moment, Jensen almost tells Jared that they're not a couple, that he might actually not be as straight as he's made Jared think either, but something inside him still stops him. He just can't do it, so he nods and says, 'That she is.'
*
Turns out that getting to know Jared better is something Jensen should never have done at all. It seems that the more he finds out about the guy, the more he's convinced there's absolutely nothing wrong with him. And on top of that, they have an absurd amount of things in common: both middle child with an older brother and younger sister, both were big on sports in high school but had to stop because of an injury, they like the same music, the same food, the same games.
He looks forward to his appointments with Jared, he gets itchy and restless when he knows he has four more days to wait until he can get another massage. But at the same time, he dreads going, is on the verge of canceling every single time. He gets frustrated and angry, he's distracted and he's messing up at work.
It's even worse now Danneel's not around to help him take his mind off things. He feels like he's a ticking time bomb, the way he's walking around. He's tried hitting on a couple of other girls when he's in the bar with Chris and the others, but his attempts fall flat and he doesn't even care. As far as he can see, there's not a single interesting person in the room. The moment he thinks he might have found someone, he keeps comparing them to Jared and Danneel and they lose all potential.
Which is why, after giving long and hard thought to it, he gets up his courage and walks into Sandover and tries greeting Katie with a smile.
Or he would if she'd at least look up at him.
'Yeah?' she says, eyes fixed on her computer screen. She's still chewing as much gum as ever, only it's bright pink now, or maybe that's actually her lipstick.
'I, er,' Jensen says, hesitating for a moment. He's still not sure he really wants to do this. In fact, he's fairly certain he doesn't want to, but he needs to get a grip, get back on track and that's never going to happen if he keeps this up. 'I wanted to switch masseurs.'
'Oh good, something new,' she says, still tapping away on her keyboard. Jensen gets the impression she's completely faking it, though, because he thinks he might have just detected the beat to We Will Rock You in her typing. 'Jared's all booked up, there's a waiting list. It's long.'
'Yeah, I know,' he says. 'I'm with Jared now.'
Katie drops both hands at once, she even stops chewing and looks straight at him for probably the first time since he's started coming here. 'You what?'
'I'm with Jared,' he says again. 'And I want to switch.'
'To another masseur?' She says it as if she'd find it more likely if he'd meant he wanted to switch gender instead.
'Does Genevieve have an opening?' he asks, trying to peer over the counter into the diary. He knows it's not ideal. Best for him would be to stop coming at all, but he really doesn't want that. He's afraid his headaches will return the moment he does. He also can't deny that there's a part of him that hopes to get back with Jared, once he gets control of his life again. It's unlikely that someone will drop out again and even more unlikely that Jared will bump him up again after this. But he can wait a year or two, maybe.
'This is a joke, right?' She narrows her eyes at him, but she seems to get he's completely serious and opens a file on her computer. 'Your name.'
'Ackles,' he says.
Katie directs her look at him again, she looks furious. Jensen thinks she might snap her pencil in half, the way she's holding it in her hands, knuckles white and fingertips red. 'Yeah, I got someone for you,' she spits. 'Starting next week, you're with Jim.'
'Jim,' Jensen echoes. He feels defeated and terrible. He hasn't even told Jared anything about this. Next time he calls, he'll explain everything. He will.
XXX.
Except Jared doesn't call and when Jensen goes in for what should be his last appointment with him, Katie, somewhat proudly, says that he must have remembered wrong and that Jim is waiting for him.
Jim, it turns out, looks like a little block of cement - rectangular shoulders and a graying beard, hair slicked back in an attempt to look neat - and, frankly, pretty ridiculous in those scrubs. He seems the type of guy that would feel much more comfortable driving a truck or working on cars, not people.
He is a genuinely nice guy, though. He smiles at Jensen and puts his hands on his hips when he takes him in. 'So you're the squirt who swapped Jared for me,' he says, eyebrows raised, and it makes Jensen cringe to be reminded of it. 'You're not what I expected.'
'You expected someone a bit more -' Jensen prompts, still standing by the door awkwardly.
'Listen, kid, I'll be honest with you,' Jim says, leaning his head slightly to the right, as if he feels for him. 'No one in their right mind wants off Jared's list. And they certainly don't come to me after.'
'Actually,' Jensen says, rubbing a hand over his neck, feeling uncomfortable. Is it even possible that his headache's back already? 'Katie put me down with you.'
'Ah, well,' Jim says with a grin, as if that explains everything. 'Katie don't like you very much.'
'I noticed.' Jensen sighs, shoulders sagging dejectedly.
'That's okay,' Jim says as he turns to the massage table and spreads a towel over it. 'She don't like me very much either. Or anyone else on the planet, come to think of it.'
Jensen tries to smile at that, but he can't even bother to fake it properly. 'So. Should I be worried?'
'Worried?' Jim echoes and laughs heartily. It sounds a bit like panting and coughing and Jensen gets the impression he doesn't really do it all that often. 'Son. You might have noticed I'm a bit older than Jared. My college days are long gone, you know, so I'm afraid I'm not as refined as he is. I got my share of loyal customers, not saying I don't, but most of 'em are probably around your daddy's age.'
'So you expected someone older?' Jensen asks, still not really sure what the guy was trying to say.
'I expected someone insane, is what I did,' Jim says and laughs again. 'I told you, no one stops seeing Jared. And you don't particularly strike me as off in the head, but I've been wrong before. When Jared first came here, I said he wouldn't last a day.'
Jensen really smiles at that. He kind of likes Jim, in a “crazy uncle”-kind of way. He massages like a crazy uncle would, too, with a lot of force and weight put into it and very little attention for absolute enjoyment or refinement, like he's about to take Jensen by the scruff and give him a noogie. He presses down hard on the places that hurt and makes them hurt harder as he keeps rubbing them relentlessly.
He doesn't speak either. Jensen tries to engage him in conversation a couple of times, but it's useless. He merely grunts in reply and pushes him back down. Which is pretty awkward, considering Jared didn't really understand what “shutting up” was. So now he's got nothing to distract him from the thumbs that are almost digging into his muscles. Jim is a butcher disguised as masseur, Jensen is absolutely sure he is.
Although he has to admit, the next day, there's almost nothing of the pain left and he feels pretty good, actually. His shoulders feel relaxed and loose, which is the reason he goes to Sandover in the first place, so he does consider this a victory. He thinks he might keep this Jim-fellow.
*
It still surprises Jensen every time he's down on the table to have Jim's hands on him, not Jared's. It's weird to feel how his skin is calloused and hard, even in spite of the liberal quantities of lotion he uses. He still can't get used to the fact that there is little to no communication between them, and certainly nothing more personal than, 'ooh, that's a tough spot right there. You been working in front of a computer, boy?' It's not really uncomfortable anymore, he does sense somehow that Jim actually likes him and that he's giving him the softer treatment. And there's certainly no way his subconscious would ever consider it could get sexual gratification out of this, so he's at least somewhat less frustrated than he used to be.
Which is why he's still with Jim, four weeks later. Granted, it still hurts a bit, especially since Jim seems to be dead set on massaging his muscles into a pulp so they can't actually get tense anymore. But it works. He's got no headaches, so he'll live with the soreness and the silence. He's a big boy, he can take it.
And he only meets up with Jim once a week for one hour, so with Danneel out of the country and Jared out of the picture, he's got a lot of time to get his business straight. Which he really needed to do, because man, his files are in a much worse state than he'd thought and Morgan has been giving him the stink eye over it.
So he gets his act together and he manages his projects like no one has ever seen. He's on top of everything again in no time and it feels good. Yeah, he's working those long hours again, pretty much, but he's not hurting anymore.
Not physically.
XXXI.
All in all, this whole thing is working out pretty well, Jensen thinks. He's not unhappy, per se, and he's not completely sucking at his job lately. He still doesn't really get how the whole “managing people”-thing works, but he figures that with a little bit of practice, he might get there. If he focuses real hard and works on it all he can. He does it so much that some days, he actually forgets about Jim or getting a massage altogether. He manages to forget about Jared, sometimes, too.
Which is why he totally did not expect to bump into him at Sandover, the next week. He's in the middle of a conversation with Katie (and she's laughing, Jensen thinks the world is gonna end) when he catches Jensen's eye and his face falls immediately. He just stares at him for a good ten seconds and Jensen's frozen on the spot, like a deer in headlights. He stops breathing even, as if that might make Jared glance over him like he's not there.
It doesn't work. Jared shakes his head slightly, as if he's trying to shake himself out of the same stupor Jensen's in and makes a move towards him. Jensen does the first thing that comes to mind and dives into Jim's rero almost like he's dodging a bullet.
And he might have been, if the adrenaline coursing through his body is anything to go by.
'You okay, boy?' Jim asks with a cocked eyebrow. 'You look a bit spooked.'
'No, I'm,' Jensen says, still staring at the door. There's a part of him that just really wants Jared to burst in and talk to him, but he dismisses the thought as quickly as he can. 'I'm fine. Peachy.'
But Jensen's everything but peachy, and Jim can feel it too, if the sheer force he's putting into the massage is anything to go by. He just can't relax, cannot shake the look on Jared's face when he saw Jensen. He looked so disappointed, it kind of startled him. And it's not like he even knows why Jared's disappointed. Sure, he didn't handle everything entirely correctly, but Jared didn't call either. He didn't ask what happened, so it's not like he felt the loss of Jensen's companionship too keenly.
Why would he, anyway?
Nope. Jensen's just going to forget about the entire thing. He'll keep calm and carry on.
*
Four hours later, though, Jensen feels as if the entire universe is out to get him, because he gets an email from Danneel that's basically a detailed recount of everything she's seen, done and eaten since she's gotten to Milan. With her new boyfriend, Stan the photographer. (How cliché, I know!)
He supposes it's not a surprise she's finally found someone else. That it's, in fact, a miracle she didn't find someone sooner. Because she's beautiful, inside and out, and every guy in a five mile radius of her instantly starts tripping all over himself in ridiculous attempts to impress her. He couldn't have expected her to stay alone forever, or to stay with him just for sex, forever.
And, you know, it's not that he doesn't want her to be happy or that he doesn't want to know about it. He really does want her to find someone who won't fail where he did, who could love her better. She's one of his best friends and her happiness means the world to him.
Only she couldn't have picked a worse time, because all he can think about right now, is that not only did he lose Jared, he lost Danneel, as well.
*
Which is why he's standing in the bar with Chris, Steve, Tom and Mike, after work and not paying any attention to a word they're saying. Which is why he's on his third beer in fifteen minutes while the others are still nursing their first. Which is why he, when Chris asks him something he hasn't heard and claps a hand down on his shoulder, shoots him an irritated look and says, 'What?''
'Alright,' Chris says, clearing his throat and holding up his hands. 'What's with you today?'
'With me?' Jensen parrots, annoyed.
'Yeah,' Mike chimes in happily. God, Jensen's absolutely convinced Mike is alive just to piss him off. 'You've been grouchy all day, mister Sourpuss. What happened, Jared cut you off?'
At the mere mention of Jared's name, Jensen's heart skips a beat and that - if possible - makes him even angrier. 'Shut up.'
'You know, he's been looking kinda sad too, lately,' Mike says, completely ignoring the warning glances everyone is shooting him. They're not even trying to be stealthy about it. 'Trouble in paradise?'
'Seriously, Mike,' Jensen says again, pushing down the impulse to ask what he means by Jared looking sad. 'Can it.'
'I thought you weren't with Jared anymore?' Steve says, looking puzzled. Jensen loves the guy, but right now, he could cheerfully murder him. 'That's what Genevieve told me.'
'Oh, he totally did cut you off,' Mike says with glee.
'No,' Jensen grunts, without looking up. 'Jared only worked me in when he had time. He's outta time now.'
'Really?' Chris asks skeptically, eyebrows raised. 'It didn't seem like that.'
'Who're you with now?' Tom asks, trying to at least steer the topic away from Jared, as he can tell it's not something Jensen's comfortable discussing.
'I'm with this older guy called Jim.'
'Jim?' Mike blurts, almost choking on his beer. 'That's gross. Why would you do that?'
'Because no one else had the time, alright?' Jensen nearly yells. He slams down his bottle onto the bar, grabs his jacket off one of the stools and takes off. 'Jesus Christ.'
He skilfully ignores Chris's knowing look, and later that night, his calls too.
XXXII.
'I suck, momma,' Jensen sighs into the receiver, and winces the moment he's spoken, because he knows what's going to follow now.
'At phone calls you certainly do, Jensen Ross,' Donna says from the other end of the line, clearly annoyed. 'And mind your language. I honestly, I sometimes don't know why I still try.'
'I'm sorry,' he says quietly and something in his voice must've struck her because his mother's quiet for a moment.
'What's wrong, darling?' she asks eventually.
'Everything,' Jensen says melodramatically. He doesn't even care.
'Come now, Jensen, I'm sure that's not true,' she says. 'Start from the beginning.'
'It's a lot,' Jensen says hesitantly. He's lived through the entire thing, has gone over it in his mind more times than it deserved, probably. He doesn't really feel like telling the whole story. He just wants a bit of comfort, that's all.
'Well, your daddy's out of the house for the night and your sister is havin' a friend over, so for once, I actually got the time to listen,' Donna says.
'Really? Where's dad gone to?' he tries, wanting to distract his mother.
'Off to some fancy car show or other with your uncle Bill and your brother,' she tells him, but before Jensen gets to ask more about it, she adds, 'And don't try to divert the subject, Jensen. You know that doesn't work on me.'
God, does he know.
'Go on then,' she urges him again when he doesn't immediately speak.
'I don't know where to start,' Jensen says honestly. He sighs as he drops himself into his couch and squirms. He's had the thing for five years and it's still uncomfortable to sit in. 'You remember that fight I had at work, a while back?'
'Very much. Did you apologize to that young man?'
'Momma, really?' Jensen says, exasperated.
'Alright.'
'Well. After, the guys said I should relax a bit and they sent me to a spa.' He pauses for another moment, as this is where he expects his mother to interrupt, but when she doesn't, he says, 'For a massage?'
'Don't be silly, Jensen,' she nearly yells. 'I know that. So I take it you actually went?'
'Yeah,' he says and he surprises himself a little when a smile appears on his face at the thought of Jared.
'Oh, dear,' Donna says apprehensively. 'How did that go?'
'It was weird, at first,' he admits, but he can't help the defensive tone that creeps into his voice. 'It got better.'
'Really? His mother sounds so surprised, Jensen nearly laughs.
'Yes, really,' he says. 'I managed to get in with a really good masseur. He is amazing, momma, and not just at massaging. You'd like him, I think. He's a really cool guy, around my age. He's easy to be around. And he's a Texas-boy, too.'
'And what's this boy's name?' she asks. She sounds very curious, all of a sudden. 'I'm not used to you being so full of praise about anyone.'
'What are you talking about?' he asks, taken aback. He didn't think that what he'd said was anything out of the ordinary. He was just describing Jared, exactly as he is. Donna seems to have no intentions of answering his question, so he just says, 'Jared. He's called Jared.'
'He sounds like a fine young man,' she tells him. 'Must be if you speak so highly about him.'
'He is,' Jensen confirms, still confused.
'So what's the problem then?'
Jensen's face flushes suddenly. Oh God. He can't tell his mother about this. What was he thinking?
'I - er. He just. He was great to hang with, you know?' he says lamely, feeling it doesn't even half cover it. 'So I kind of, I lost track of things. Of work and I got myself into trouble there. Only way I could think of getting back in the game was to - to stop hanging.'
'You stopped going to the spa? I don't think I understand, darling,' his mother says.
'No, I switched masseurs,' Jensen corrects her. It still feels like treason.
'And what did Jared say about that?'
'Well. I - I didn't actually tell him.' Jensen winces. God, he's such a coward sometimes.
'So you mean to say you just quit him like that?' she says, voice high in surprise. 'That poor boy.'
'I know, momma. I know. I just didn't know how to tell him.' He sighs. 'I was scared, I guess.'
'So that's been what's bothering you?' Jensen can't entirely grasp all the different meanings to the way his mother asks the question. He thinks she might not see it as a problem at all, but at the same time, she sounds like she already knows how to solve it. Which puzzles him, because he has no idea how to go about it.
'Not just that,' he says after a moment. 'Danneel sent me an email from Milan.'
'Oh, she's still in Europe?' Donna asks happily. Danneel and his mother always got along well. 'That's good for her.'
'Yeah, she's doing real good. She met someone,' Jensen says. 'It's one of the photographers she's working with.'
'Darling.' There's that note of pity again. And she speaks so carefully to him, like he's going to break if she doesn't pay attention, it makes Jensen roll his eyes. 'Were you still hoping to fix things with her?'
'No. God, no. We tried it every which way we could. It just, it wouldn't work. But it's weird to think-'
I won't be sleeping with her again? That can't be right, saying that to your mother.
'- that it's really over. I understand,' his mother supplies helpfully.
'I don't want to, but I keep thinking about it,' he admits, wanting to hit himself for the words pouring from his mouth, but he can't stop them. It's the truth. 'I just can't get on top of work, you know? I just can't seem to get the hang of it again.'
'But you will, honey, it'll come back.'
'I don't think it will, momma,' he says with a sigh, rubbing his eyes as he does so. 'I should never have gone to see Jared, then none of this would have ever happened. But he's so good. He made sure I finally got rid of that headache I've had forever. He's like a miracle worker.'
Jensen nearly snorts when he realizes what he's just said. And to think he accused Mike of exaggerating when he first told him about Jared.
'Well, that is quite a pickle you got yourself into, there,' she admits after a moment of silence. 'But it's not that bad. You just got to pick up the pieces and pull yourself back together.'
'I know, momma,' he says with a sigh. 'It's just hard. I feel like I'm failing at everything.'
'It is always gonna be hard, darling,' Donna tells him gently. 'If it was easy, being happy wouldn't really mean as much as it does, now would it? It's an accomplishment, you gotta work on it every day, but if there's anyone that can do it, I know it's you.'
It feels like a scripted pep-talk and like it should add to the pressure he's already feeling, but somehow, his mother avoids all those traps when she holds speeches like this. It kind of makes him think that, as long as she hasn't lost faith in him, he might actually be able to do it.
So he smiles at the phone and he's kind of sad she can't see it. He really has to drive up there sometime soon. 'Thanks, momma.'
'That's what moms are for, isn't it?' she says cheerfully. But Jensen can hear some doubt creep into her voice when she asks, 'Jensen, why does this Jared get to you so much? Is there something you need to tell me?'
'No! God.' Jensen groans. 'Why does everyone keep asking me that?'
'Because clearly you're not doing a good job of taking care of yourself. You have to learn to see when you need or want something. Or when you don't. We won't always be around to tell you.'
'What?' he asks, confused. 'Is that a riddle?'
'I suppose it still is to you,' Donna says in that tone of voice that says she's got infinitely more experience than he does and it pisses him off. 'It's something you'll have to figure out on your own, son.'
'Great,' he grunts.
'I heard that,' his mother says instantly from the other side of the line. 'Manners, Jensen Ross.'
He has to smile at that, even if he doesn't want to. They can both try to change each other for as long and as often as they like (and they do try with frightening frequency), it'll never work. 'Goodnight, momma,' he says fondly.
'Goodnight, son,' she says and he can hear the warmth in her voice. 'You take care of yourself. Call me back soon.'
'I will, momma,' he confirms. 'I will.'
The moment he's off the phone, he slams his head into his fridge and groans, before finally heading to bed.
XXXIII.
'So, Jim,' Jensen starts as he walks into rero nine, fingers working on the buttons of his shirt, 'what have you got for me today? Let's get this show on the road.'
He's in a pretty good mood. He's only got one more case to finish up on today and then he's completely done with catching up on work. He's pretty sure he'll be able to do that tonight if he times it right, but that means he hasn't got a minute to spare, not even here.
He's about to take his shirt off when he notices Jim still hasn't answered. He turns around to look at him and Jensen thinks he might die. Because it's not Jim that's standing by the massage table. It's Jared and he's staring at Jensen as if he's never seen another human being before, eyes wide and eyebrows raised, entirely at a loss for words.
Jensen thinks he probably has the exact same look on his face.
Jared's the first to find his voice again, even if his expression doesn't really change. 'Er - Jim's, Jim's in five. Not - this is me.'
Jensen can see that, he just doesn't understand why. 'In five? But the - the sheet,' he says lamely and points to where he thinks the reception might be.
Jared blinks, as if he doesn't really get what Jensen's trying to say, but then it appears to dawn on him. 'Right.' He shakes his head and finally manages the smile Jensen's gotten so used to over the last half year. 'We had to - we changed. Someone got in couple hours back. I guess they didn't replace it.'
'Well, they ought to,' Jensen snaps, faster and angrier than he means to. He just doesn't really know what to do. He didn't expect to see Jared, didn't expect to talk to him so he's not prepared, didn't get to put his walls up on time.
'I'll let 'em know,' Jared says, holding up his hands as if he's surrendering.
They're quiet for another moment and it's so awkward, both of them glancing at all corners of the room as long as it means they don't have to look at each other. Jensen realizes he's still got his shirt open and he feels oddly naked, all of a sudden. He buttons it up hastily and wrong, but he can't be bothered doing it right.
It kind of hurts, the way he has absolutely no idea what to say to Jared or how to act, when not too long ago, Jared was the only person around whom that was never an issue. He did feel another way when he was in the same room with him, though, and Jensen doesn't know if he's glad or not when he notices there still are constants in life, after all. He'd still like nothing better than to crawl onto Jared's table and let him have his way with him, just let his hands run all over his body. God, his hands are just -
Jensen's been staring at them for a good ten seconds, mouth gone dry at the thought, when Jared clears his throat and tries to pick up the conversation again. 'Jensen, look. What happened, man? I thought -' He stops talking mid-sentence and sighs. He's looking at him with those big, sad puppy eyes. Jensen can't take it. 'What did I do wrong?'
'Wrong?' Jensen echoes without thinking. Jared didn't do anything wrong, that's exactly the problem. It's Jensen who can't stop thinking about him, Jensen who put his work - and just about everything else - on hold because Jared never does anything wrong. It's Jensen who's let this go way too far. Jensen who's wrong.
And he's pretty sure that when he speaks again, all of that is gonna spill right out, all jumbled up and messy and he'll get that wrong too. But when he opens his mouth, Jared actually flinches, as if his words might physically hurt him, and he can't do it.
So he just turns around, grabs his jacket and walks away.
He thinks he might hear Jared yell his name again, thinks it might sound a bit desperate and a bit angry and definitely frustrated. He thinks that this might be the last time he heard Jared's voice, and Jared was angry with him.
He makes his way into rero five, checks carefully if it really is Jim this time (it is) and undresses. Jim hardly speaks a word again, but for once, Jensen doesn't mind. It gives him time to think about what the hell he's doing with his life. And if his thoughts turn towards Jared and how very much Jim's hands are nothing like his about halfway through the hour, so what? So what if Jim doesn't talk about video games or joke around with him? So what if Jim's hands aren't as soft or relaxing, or that he never uses different techniques? So what if Jim isn't gay? Does it really matter?
By the time his hour's up, Jensen's decided that it really does. That if anything is wrong, it's coming to Sandover and not being on Jared's table.
So Jensen stops coming to Sandover at all.
*
previous * next