be kind, unwind, 6/6
XXXIV.
A few days later, when he's pretending to work on a presentation for a holiday agency, Murray bursts into his office in the middle of a phone call. He doesn't knock, doesn't greet him, he just walks straight in. It's not all that surprising: they will never truly get along. They've been avoiding each other, not meeting each other's eyes unless they really had to, but Jensen can tell they've both been trying to be civil and to respect the other professionally. It's worked out, more or less. He'll never really get why Murray insists on cluttering his ads with tacky decoration, but he can tell the guy's trying to keep it to a minimum. And Jensen, on his part, allows him a folly here and there. It's worked so far and the customers don't complain.
What does surprise him is that Murray makes a beeline for his desk, leaning over it as if he'd like nothing better than to take him by the collar and punch his lights out. He's fuming and he's still got his cell pressed to one ear, fingers white on the black of the frame.
'You -' he breathes, like he's having to put all his energy in not shouting. 'You're a fucking jackass. Asshole.'
Jensen gets up slowly, staring at Murray. He has no idea whatsoever what's going on, but if he's getting into a fight, he at least wants to be prepared.
However, Murray seems to have no intention of letting it come to blows, because he just turns around and walks back out of the office, muttering, 'Yeah, yeah. Alright, Jay.'
Their professional relationship is kind of non-existent after that.
*
Well. Technically, any relationship between Jensen and the word “professional” is non-existent. And there hasn't even been one invented to accurately describe the kind of fuck-up he is, but he's pretty sure the dictionary will be asking for his photo sometime soon.
Chris and Steve have noticed, he can tell by the way they're hovering close to him whenever they can, as if they're just waiting for him to snap again and he can't even blame them. He blames the headache that's returned, though, every chance he gets and hopes that it doesn't sound entirely as lame as it sounds in his own head.
He hasn't said anything about Sandover, or about Jared to anyone, but he knows they all suspect something isn't entirely right. It pisses him off, kind of. He used to be good at hiding, at pretending, but now, it seems there's nothing left of the walls he's been building all his life.
And of course, it can only go downhill from there. Jensen reaches an all-time low during the presentation of - of all things - the Vaughan-file. He doesn't even properly realize that it's the morning of the presentation until Tom slams a hand down on his shoulder as he passes and asks, 'You ready for the big day?'
First two things that run through his mind before he can get rational about it, are “dentist” and “wedding” and only then does his brain decide to catch up with things and panic. 'No,' he says, eyes wide.
Tom only laughs and runs off. 'That's what you always say.'
It is, usually. And he usually is lying. Jensen is as prepared as they ever come, and then some. But this time, it is the honest-to-God truth. This time, he got ready by lying on the couch at home, watching the saddest reality shows he's ever seen and building an imaginary blanket fort, simply because he was too lazy to move. Until he went to jerk off, thinking of Jared's hands.
As far as the subject of wallowing in self-pity goes, Jensen is pretty much an authority, now. Explaining to Vaughan why his ads look the way they do, however, is something he's somewhat less of an expert in. Especially since he hasn't even looked at the latest version of them.
And the presentation goes as well as can be expected. Which, obviously, is not well at all.
*
Jensen is livid. After struggling through twenty minutes of trying to bullshit him and the company out of the most atrocious line of ads to ever come into existence, he's ready to take out everyone that dares come close to him. Especially Chad Michael Murray. Because the ads he had to defend in that meeting looked suspiciously like the first couple of tries Murray sent him, only much, much worse.
There was no possible way that this could end well. The presentation sucked. Jensen sucked. Jensen knew he sucked and most of all, Vaughan and Morgan knew it too.
'I have no idea what the fuck I ever did to you or your inanely large ego, but I'm about ready to rip your fucking throat out,' Jensen grunts as quietly as he can, as he leans over Murray and pretends he's just having a look at what he's doing.
'Is that supposed to scare me, Ackles?' Murray says and Jensen actually thinks he's smiling. He's smiling.
'I'll wipe that grin right off your face if you're still here tomorrow, Murray,' he says, looking him right in the eye. 'I want your desk empty, your laptop gone and - if you have any sense of decency - you'll put those photos in the trashcan.'
'What's the matter?' Murray asks in a low voice, face inches from his own. 'Presentation didn't go well?'
'You know damn well why,' he says, slamming a hand down onto the desk.
'Is it because you didn't do your job the way you're supposed to?' Murray is still grinning at him. 'I thought you were supposed to set the example for us, plebs.'
'Listen here, you punk,' Jensen says, and before he knows it, he's got a fist curled in Murray's collar and another drawn back and ready to strike. He doesn't even have time to process what he's about to do, when Chris grabs hold of him and pulls him back.
'Jensen,' he hisses into his ear. Jensen can tell he has trouble holding back too. 'What the fuck do you think you're doing?'
He doesn't know. He honestly, truly has no clue what he's doing or how he got to this point, so he quietly lets himself get dragged off to his own office by Chris.
'What the hell was that?' Chris fumes when he's closed the door calmly. God, the man knows how to put on a facade in public. Jensen thinks that if Chris is in better control of his emotions than he is, the world must be coming to an end. 'I get a call from Tom about your Vaughan-meeting, next thing I know, you're about to punch Murray's fucking lights out?'
'He messed up the presentation,' Jensen says with a sigh as he sits down. He nearly rolls his eyes, because he sounds like a five-year-old. 'Completely fucked it up.'
'How? The guy wasn't even on the same floor as you!'
Chris is right, Jensen knows that. Just like he knows that he is mostly angry with himself, not with Murray, because he should've seen that the guy was trying to fuck him over by sending him those ads. But right now, he's still too mad to admit it.
'He just did. Guy never does his job properly. I gotta kick him out,' he says, getting up. 'We probably lost Vaughan because of him.'
'Jensen, don't,' Chris says, stone-faced, and blocks the door so he can't leave. 'If you still feel this way tomorrow, then by all means, finally get rid of the kid. But right now, that'll only land you right back where all your problems started and you don't want that.'
'Says who?' he blurts, anger getting the better of him again. 'Things were a lot easier. I wouldn't have fucked up the Vaughan-case back then and you know it.'
'What in the name of heaven are you talking about?' Chris asks, holding out his arms. 'Stop whining about that damn case. We'll put Tom and Steve on it, we'll throw him some freebies and we're fine. There's obviously something else on your mind that's bothering you. How about you get that out of the way first?'
'I can't,' he breathes, running a hand over his face. 'I have to fix -'
'No!' Chris says forcefully. 'You are not your work, Jensen.'
'Then what the hell else am I?' Jensen says without thinking, louder than he means to.
They're silent for a moment. It's a loaded question and they both know it.
'Scared, is what I'd say. I don't know what of, exactly, because you don't share nothin' with us anymore.' Chris sounds defeated and sad. 'And I'm not sayin' you have to if you're not comfortable doing it, but you gotta talk to somebody, man, because this ain't doing you or anybody else any good.'
He can't even be bothered to answer anymore, he just nods without even looking up at Chris and waits for him to leave.
Five minutes or an hour later, a memo from Morgan pops up on his screen.
You have tomorrow off. Come in on Thursday and stop fucking up.
JDM
Jensen sighs and rubs his eyes. Well. He can't say he didn't see it coming.
XXXV.
It’s six fifty-five in the morning and Jensen’s already been up for forty-five minutes (showered, shaved, dressed and caffeinated), when he remembers Morgan gave him the day off. He considers going back to bed for about half a second before he realizes that he’d never get back to sleep anyway and decides to take the opportunity to have a decent breakfast.
Sadly, a crusade of his kitchen tells him he has virtually nothing that could pass for one. That’s how, half an hour later, he’s surrounded by about ten different kinds of French croissant and enough cereal to feed an army for a substantial amount of time, but he figures it’s been so long since he’s done this, he doesn’t even know what he likes anymore. He bites a corner off each piece of pastry, watches two episodes of Friends he’s never seen before as probably the only person on the planet and wishes he still had Icarus to feed the leftovers to. To his complete and utter dismay, he glances over at his watch and notices it’s only just past eight and he’s already out of things to do.
So he sighs deeply and boots his computer. Working from the office isn’t entirely as necessary as it’s easy - he can make do here. He’s got most files stored on the company’s external server anyway, so he can get at least some work done from home.
It’s only after he gets an error-message seven times and he’s tried logging on in every possible way he can imagine - from just typing to copy-pasting the password from a word document, from typing slowly and spelling it out to the computer to typing fast and without looking at his fingers, from pressing “log on” twenty times rapidly to waiting a minute and then clicking, as if taking the computer by surprise would work - that he gets an email from Chris,
Morgan limited your access for today. Stop trying. Go do something fun or I swear to God, I’ll send you every virus we have on file.
Jackass.
Kind regards,
Christian Kane
IT Department
FerrisInc.
KaneC@it.ferrisinc.com
Five minutes later, his inbox is flooded with 209 new messages, all sent by Penile Enlarge, asking if he needs help satisfying his ladyfriend in a frightening combination of capitals and symbols and he gives up.
After he’s made Chris a profile on a Britney Spears-fansite and posted in one of the forums that he’s a really sensitive guy who’s tired of people dumping all over Britney and that he’d love to get in touch with other people who feel the same way.
He potters around the house for ten more minutes after that, desperately looking for something to do, but ends up taking out his cell and texting Danneel miserably. She's supposed to have landed two nights ago anyway.
Got time?
She replies with,
Not for what you’re asking. I’m an honest woman now. Xo
It takes some time, but in the end, he manages to convince her he’s not talking about sex and she agrees to swing by with Icarus. He’s got coffee ready, manages to find a cake somewhere in his cupboards and has the table set by the time Danneel arrives.
‘This is scary,’ is the first thing she says when she sees it, barely holding on to the little cockapoo that goes frantic over seeing Jensen. ‘You’re definitely not getting laid.’
‘If I’d known there still was a chance, I’d have gotten the good china out,’ Jensen says, trying to hold his smile as he relieves her of the squirmy hairball. ‘What happened to all that “honest woman”-crap?’
‘Oh, I didn’t mean by me,’ she says as she inches closer to the table to check the cake out, anyway. ‘I meant by anyone ever again. Cake and coffee? You’ve turned into my grandma.’
‘Shut up,’ Jensen says as Icarus licks his face until it’s covered in slobber and feels itchy. ‘I took the day off. And it’s been a while since I’ve had visitors.’
‘I used to live here, Jensen, I don’t think I still count as a visitor.’ Danneel takes a cup of coffee and sniffs at the cake twice before deciding she won’t have a piece and freezes, frowning. ‘Wait, you took the day off?’
‘So?’ Jensen asks, rubbing Icarus’s belly the way he knows he likes it to avoid looking at her. From the corners of his eyes, though, he can tell she’s staring at him with her arms crossed.
‘You never take a day off. In all the years I’ve known you, the only time you stayed home was when you had tonsillitis and even then it took three people to convince you.’ When Jensen doesn’t answer and keeps playing with the dog, she heaves a sigh. ‘Put him down, Jensen. Now.’
He knows that he’s pushing her, that she’s genuinely worried because he’s never reached out to anyone, not even to her when they were together, so he does as he’s asked and sighs too.
‘Alright, Morgan insisted I did,’ he says, still not meeting her eyes. He puts his hands in his pockets and leans back against the table. ‘I’ve been screwing up, Danni.’
‘What, at work?’
She sounds so surprised he wants to laugh, but he shakes his head instead. ‘Everywhere, I guess. I don’t know.’
‘Don’t know what?’ she asks and mirrors his pose. She’s wearing an old pair of jeans that’s so worn you can see her knees and an old oversized hoodie, but the turquoise Converse are new. He loves that she never goes through the trouble of dressing up for him. She’s still beautiful, though, always beautiful and he wishes he’d loved her more and better and had spared himself the mess he is in now. But at least she’s happy now, and that counts too.
‘How to undo things,’ he says, still in the same train of thought. ‘Or how to make them better.’
‘You sound as if the world is ending.’
‘Only mine,’ he says without thinking and immediately winces at how melodramatic that sounds. ‘No, I’m just being stupid. It’s nothing that bad.’
‘Then I’m sure you can tell me,’ she says and picks up Icarus from where he’s lying by their feet. Without looking back or waiting for him, she makes for the door. ‘I’ve got his leash in the car, I’m sure a walk will do you good.’
XXXVI.
They’ve been out for over an hour before he’s explained everything: how he’s been slacking at work and doesn’t know what to do about it, because it’s never happened to him before. How he can’t seem to find a balance between having fun with his friends, doing his job and having something that might resemble a love life. What the reason for the imbalance is in the first place.
‘So, Jared?’ Danneel asks with a twinkle in her eyes as she gets up from the bench in the park they’ve been sitting on for the last half hour. She’s taking it really well, the fact that Jensen isn’t sure what gender he prefers, but he can feel the concern radiate off her. ‘I can't say I'm entirely surprised.'
'What? What do you mean, “not entirely surprised”?' Jensen asks, feeling insulted.
'Oh, come on, Jensen.' She laughs loudly. 'You met like three times a week and you still bolted every time he gave you a call. You think I didn't notice? How come you never told me before?’
‘I didn’t want to bother you. It would've been weird,’ he says with a shrug as he stands up too and adds, ‘I talked to Chris.’
‘Did he tell you to rub some dirt on it?’ She rolls her eyes and hands him Icarus’s leash. ‘He’s probably the worst person to go to for advice.’
‘He’s been a good friend. He tried his best, he’s just not really good at talking.’ He laughs for real, for the first time during their conversation. ‘Besides, I think Mike’s probably worse.’
‘Oh God.’ Danneel stops dead, making Jensen stop as well.
At first, he thinks it’s out of mortified amusement at the idea of getting advice from Mike, but the look on her face tells him she’s totally serious.
‘What? What is it?’ he asks, worried.
‘Mike. He said I was your girlfriend,’ she says, looking him right in the eye. ‘In the bar, when I was leaving for Milan, Mike told Jared I was your girlfriend.’
Jensen doesn’t say anything, just clears his throat and starts walking again.
‘And you didn’t correct him!’ she says loudly, trying to make him stand still again. Next to them, Icarus is whining, utterly confused at whether they’re going or staying. ‘Jensen!’
‘What?’ he asks, his voice sounding angrier than he wants it to.
‘Are you in love with him?’
There’s still that knee-jerk “no” he wants to huff out, or a laugh he wants to bark at her for asking such a ridiculous question, but something’s stopping him from doing either.
‘I-‘ he starts lamely, without even knowing how to finish the sentence. He frowns and finally admits, ‘I’ve never thought about it like that.’
It's true - he's been thinking about being gay, about what it would be like to be with a guy. He's wondered how he feels about kissing a man, or sleeping with one, or having sex with one. But he never really considered he might fall in love with one.
‘You’ve been re-scheduling your carefully planned workaholic life around this guy and you never stopped to think if you liked him?’ Danneel asks incredulously, her voice is soft, though, and Jensen thinks he can spot some of that pity he hates so much. 'I only met him once and I was hoping for a ring by the end of the night.'
‘Of course I liked him. I like a lot of people,’ Jensen says, shoulders tensing up defensively. When he notices Danneel is trying to speak again, he continues quickly, ‘I don’t know, okay. He’s got great hands. He’s fun to hang with. And I may have thought he was hot and that was confusing, yeah, but you don’t usually go from there to “crush”.’
‘You would have if he’d been a girl,’ she counters immediately. She sounds so reasonable and it makes Jensen want to push her into the big pond they’re walking alongside of.
‘But he isn’t one,’ he bites out irritably. ‘Christ, Danneel. This has never happened to me before. Cut me some slack.’
‘It’s all the slack-cutting that’s gotten you to this point,’ she tells him. ‘This is what talking to Chris will get you.’
‘He tried telling me the same thing as you are doing right now,’ Jensen snaps at her. ‘I was the one who told him he was wrong.’
‘Really?’ she asks, arching one eyebrow.
‘Less articulately, but yes,’ Jensen admits with a shrug, turning away when he feels Danneel’s beginning to laugh. He’s gonna laugh too if he doesn’t and dammit, he wants to be annoyed with her for a while longer.
‘That must’ve been a really awkward conversation,’ Danneel says with a giggle.
Jensen swears under his breath when he remembers the slightly drunken night he talked to Chris about it and feels the corners of his mouth turn up. He keeps walking, keeps looking over the water until he can’t keep quiet anymore and says, ‘Did you know he and Steve made out in college?’
‘Get out!’ Danneel yelps, with big smile on her face as she slaps him on the arm. ‘Him and Steve?’
‘What he told me,’ Jensen tells her, shrugging.
‘Oh man, I’m sure “awkward” doesn’t even begin to cut it. The mileage you’re gonna get out of that one,’ she says, still laughing. ‘I wish I’d been there.’
‘He’d have killed you,’ Jensen supplies cheerfully. ‘And he’ll kill me if he finds out I told you, so you keep quiet.’
‘Aye aye,’ she says and salutes him. They walk in silence for a few minutes when Danneel suddenly asks, ‘Hey Jensen, why doesn’t he like me? Chris?’
‘He -‘ Jensen almost tells her that Chris does like her, but he knows better than to lie to her - she’d be able to see right through him anyway. So he tells her the truth. ‘He respects you.’
Danneel fixes him with a blank stare. ‘That doesn’t make a lick of sense.’
‘No, for Chris it does.’ Jensen chuckles. ‘Mostly, I think he’s intimidated by how he doesn’t intimidate you at all. You and his mother are probably the only two women on the planet. He’s not used to it.’
‘Oh. I’d never seen it like that,’ Danneel says pensively, but then her face softens. 'That's - that's almost cute. No, actually, that's adorable.'
Jensen closes his eyes and sighs deeply. 'There's no way you'll even pretend to assure me you're not going to tell him this, is there?'
She hooks an arm in his and lets him tug her along, falling into step with him as she leans into him. 'Good thing you know me so well.'
They’re quiet for a few moments, still shuffling through the park while huddling close to try and expel some of the cold that’s gotten into their bones now they’ve been out this long. She shivers and breathes in sharply before she starts talking again. ‘You never answered my question, you know. If you’re in love with Jared?’
He’s about to ask her if it matters, he’s probably never gonna see him again. He can’t stand the idea of going back to the spa and not having Jared as his masseur and he can’t imagine Jared ever wanting to join Mike at the bar again, after last time’s catastrophe. But then it’s his turn to stop dead and almost make Danneel trip.
Right in front of him, in the grass, next to a couple of autumn-picnickers and a few noisy kids playing something that’s supposed to pass for baseball, Jared’s roughhousing with two dogs.
‘Come on, Harley, give it back,’ he can hear him say with laughter in his voice. His cheeks are a bit pink from the exercise and the cold, probably, and Jensen thinks he’s never looked better. ‘Come on, it’s time to go home.’
He turns to look at Danneel, who’s smiling at him, and tries to figure out how to answer her. Because apparently, it does matter. A lot. He can’t understand how Chris and Danneel could figure it out so quickly, when he still was utterly clueless. God, his mom figured it out sooner than him.
His mouth is dry again, his stomach is jittery and his knees are wobbly now he can see Jared, right in front of him after a little over a month. But none of that is entirely new to him - it’s the same thing that happened every time he walked into his rero, even if he'd always thought it was for another reason. It’s realizing how much he’s missed seeing Jared that hits him with the subtlety of a ton of bricks.
‘Never mind,’ Danneel says when she understands he’s still trying to tell her something. ‘I’ve got my answer.’
He turns to look back at Jared, and Jared is looking at him too, laughter faded from his face completely. He seems confused and sad, doesn’t try giving Jensen the smile he did get even at his last Sandover visit. He just turns around, whistles for his dogs and starts walking away from the park.
Jensen wants to hit himself when he realizes what this must’ve looked like to Jared, him and Danneel walking a dog together, smiling at each other with their arms linked.
Danneel’s figured it out too, because she pushes him slightly and says, ‘Go on. You’re not gonna make the same mistake again, are you?’
‘What if he doesn’t want me?’ Jensen asks without taking his eyes off Jared’s retreating back. ‘Or what if I’m too late?’
‘Only one way to find out,’ Danneel answers and takes Icarus’s leash out of his hands. ‘Now go!’
‘Thanks, Danni,’ he says, and he means it. He’s never been so grateful to anyone in his entire life. Before running off after Jared, he gives her a tiny smile and a kiss on the cheek.
XXXVII.
Every step he takes closer convinces him more that this is a ridiculously bad idea. With his luck, Jared will have become happily married, or engaged, or a devoted father to three endearing, adopted African children in the last month. Or he’ll have realized that Sandy actually is perfect for him and he’ll have switched teams. Or - more likely - he’ll have discovered just what a mess Jensen really is and he’ll want nothing more to do with him.
He’s so busy freaking out and trying not to let it show, that it almost doesn’t register that he’s suddenly close enough to touch Jared on the shoulder. He still has no idea what to say, because all he can think of is “abort, abort”. His body appears to have a different plan, though, as his mouth opens of its own accord and out comes what’s possibly a quite disturbing, high-pitched sound to the outside world. However, his mind recognizes it as a very weak attempt at “Jared”.
For a moment, he dares to hope that Jared hasn’t heard him, but then he can see the broad shoulders in front of him set and all hope is lost. He doesn’t stop walking, doesn’t turn to look and Jensen figures that since Jared’s already heard him, he’s got to see it through now. So he takes a deep breath, tries to think straight and gives it another shot.
‘Jared,’ he says in a voice so steady he takes even himself by surprise.
This time, Jared does stop. He doesn’t face Jensen immediately, but by the time he does, there isn’t the least hint of sadness in his expression like there was before. He flashes Jensen an easy, surprised smile and it's so convincing that Jensen actually wonders if Jared really did see him back in the park.
‘Jensen, hey!’ he says, offering him a hand and a slap on the shoulder, as always. ‘It’s been a while. What are you doing here?’
‘Yeah,’ Jensen answers, enjoying the relaxed way the hand rests on his shoulder just slightly longer than is appropriate for anyone but Jared Padalecki. Shit, he misses those hands. ‘I was just - I was walking and I saw you pass. Thought I’d say hi. I didn’t know you had dogs.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Jared says, laughing as he looks at the two mutts sitting by his feet, waiting obediently. ‘Harley and Sadie are my babies. Wouldn’t know what to do without them. Sandy’s crazy about them too.’
Jensen bends down to scratch the biggest one behind the ear and when he straightens up again, the atmosphere seems to have changed completely. Jared’s staring down the street, squinting, and he clears his throat awkwardly.
‘Right,’ Jensen says desperately, stuck between yelling the first thing that pops into his head at Jared just to keep the conversation going and backing away slowly so they can both pretend this never happened. ‘How is Sandy?’
‘She’s great,’ Jared answers cheerfully, but his enthusiasm feels forced to Jensen. ‘She’s - she asked about you. Said you haven’t been at Sandover in a while.’
‘Right, I-‘ Jensen tells him, shifting his weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably. ‘I’ve been busy. Work is.’
‘Yeah, no, I get it. I didn’t even know.’ Jared shrugs, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans (the same pair he was wearing in the bar, Jensen notices). ‘I thought you were still with Jim.’
He says it so casually that Jensen almost wonders if Jared really hasn’t given Jensen’s absence any more thought, but then he finally manages to catch Jared’s eye and he knows that he’s supposed to feel as cut down as he does.
‘Jared, listen,’ he starts, but Jared interrupts.
‘No, you know what, I can’t do this,’ he says, throwing his hands in the air and raising his eyebrows at Jensen. ‘It doesn’t matter and I gotta go anyway. I’ll see you around, maybe.’
He starts to walk away, looking like a kicked puppy and Jensen doesn’t even have the chance to think about reacting. Luckily, his body is still one step ahead of his brain and his hand’s already decided to stop Jared by grabbing hold of his arm.
‘What? Wait,’ he says, panicking slightly. Jared does stop, though, and does wait and Jensen realizes that he’s gotta do it now or never. He could lean in and just kiss Jared, they’re close enough anyway - they’re still touching, even - and God knows he’s been wanting to do it for ages. Why shouldn’t he just -
He takes a step forward, feeling his heartbeat speed up dangerously, beating so loudly he can feel it drumming in his ears and throat - but then he nearly steps on one of Jared’s dogs and a couple of bikers speed past them, ringing their bells loudly and what little opportunity there was for Jensen to be bold is gone. So he looks away, embarrassed, and licks his sorely deprived lips instead. ‘I want to explain, but I don't - Hey, you wanna go somewhere warmer? I can’t think straight in this cold.’
‘You don’t have to,’ Jared says immediately and tracks an invisible pattern on the ground with the tip of his shoe. ‘I’ve gotta-‘
‘I want to,’ Jensen counters. ‘I’ll buy. Please.’
Jared’s still avoiding looking at him, but he does nod his consent at the tree behind Jensen’s right shoulder.
‘Great,’ Jensen says and tries to smile, but it feels like the biggest lie he’s ever told.
*
‘So a regular for me,’ Jensen says as he takes a seat at the table Jared’s found for them. Harley and Sadie are lying at his feet. ‘And a decaf for you.’
He can barely contain a smile when he sets the mug down in front of him.
‘Why do I get the feeling you’re mocking me?’ Jared asks. He doesn’t seem particularly amused.
Jensen wasn’t actually laughing at the decaf, more like he has trouble believing he’s getting to have another conversation with Jared. Until this morning, he was convinced he’d never see him again and now he’s close to confessing to a schoolgirl crush on him. But when he thinks about it, it is kind of funny that a guy the size of Jared drinks decaf with - apparently - a ridiculous amount of milk in it.
‘No. I just thought you’d be more of a double espresso kind of guy,’ he says quickly, fumbling with the ear on his mug.
‘I rarely have caffeine,’ Jared answers seriously. ‘Too much energy already. I get hyper. Sandy says caffeine makes me unbearable.’
‘That's what you get for putting her on the waiting list,’ Jensen says with a smirk.
Jared shoots him a small smile, but it fades quickly. ‘So you wanted to talk?’
Jensen sighs and rubs his eyes. He had kind of hoped he could just distract Jared into having a good time without actually having to explain anything. Apparently, it shows on his face, because Jared shakes his head and smiles again - wryly, this time.
‘Yeah,’ he says and starts to get up. ‘Thanks for the coffee.’
Jensen rolls his eyes, at himself mostly, and grabs hold of Jared’s sleeve, pulling him down. He doesn't know how long he'll be able to keep up this game of push-and-tug. ‘No, Jared,’ he says and he hates how desperate he sounds. ‘Look. I’m - I’m not good at these things. This isn’t easy for me.’
Jared holds up his hands. ‘Hey, I didn’t ask. You're the one who wanted to do this.’
‘And I still do,’ Jensen says quickly. ‘I just don’t know how.’
‘Well, if you figure it out at some point, we’ll give it another shot,’ Jared tells him and again tries to get up.
‘No,’ Jensen says, louder and more emphatically than he means to. ‘This is probably the single most awkward moment I’ve ever had to live through, but if I don’t give it a try now, I’m never gonna have the guts.’
Jared narrows his eyes at him and leans closer slightly. ‘You’re not confessing to murder. If it’s such agony to you, I’ll be glad to spare you the pain and you can go back to avoiding me.’
‘God, Jared,’ Jensen spits, getting angry. ‘Will you just shut up and give me time to explain? Christ. Wasn’t that long ago, you were lurking around every corner, ready to jump out and make me talk.’
‘Right,’ Jared huffs. ‘And then you started avoiding corners, Jensen. I think I got the message.’
‘No,’ Jensen says for about the tenth time in five minutes, ‘no, you didn’t get the message at all.’
Jensen can tell Jared’s less than impressed with him, but he sits down anyway, leaning back in his chair, and motions for Jensen to get it over with. He’s never seen this side of Jared and it startles him to realize that he isn’t all smiles, all the time. But it's intriguing at the same time. Suddenly, Jensen wants to know every single thing that pisses Jared off and everything that makes him happy again. It's terrifying.
‘I’m,’ he starts and falls silent immediately, already at a loss for words. He frowns and examines the cracks in his mug carefully as he tries to come up with a way to say this without sounding like a complete moron. And then he realizes there probably isn’t one and decides to just start talking without thinking much. Maybe he’ll be able to create order out of the chaos of his thoughts if he speaks them out loud. ‘Whatever Mike may have told you, Danneel and I are not a couple. We used to be, a while back, but it didn’t work out. She's a great girl and a saint, because for some reason, she’s still willing to put up with me. As a good friend.’
He dares to glance at Jared, in spite of himself. He’s frowning too, as if he has no idea what to make of this. When he sees Jensen’s watching him, he slips his mask back on. ‘That’s private,’ he says, face betraying nothing. ‘Doesn’t have anything to do with -‘
‘It does,’ Jensen interrupts. ‘A lot, actually. I used to be this outgoing kid, you know. Nothing out of the ordinary, not too popular, but I knew how to talk to someone, man. And I don't know how it happened, but that's not - I don’t. I don’t open up to people easily, not anymore. I don’t talk to people easily, which this conversation is making painfully obvious. I mean, I’m good when it comes to business and I know what buttons to push to reel a client in, but I’m a social train wreck. I’m not like you or Mike. I’m more like Katie.’
‘Jensen, that’s crazy,’ Jared says, annoyed, like he doesn’t believe a word he’s saying. ‘I haven’t once seen you get awkward. Not until you switched to Jim.’
‘Exactly,’ he says vehemently, feeling that explains it perfectly. Jared, however, seems to disagree, so he tries to elaborate. ‘I never felt awkward around you. I feel, I don’t know. It was easy talking to you, without having to think or consider my words carefully. Never feeling like I had to impress you, or anybody, not when you were around.’
‘Yeah, I can see why that might be a problem for you,’ Jared drawls.
‘It is,’ Jensen insists. ‘Because I didn’t know why it’s easier to be around you. People don't just change from one moment to the next.’
‘Are you serious?’ Jared asks. ‘You don’t have to analyze it. Sometimes you get along, Jensen. Sometimes you just click.’
‘Not me, not this easily. And I wondered and started to think about it, I just. I guess I got scared,’ he says dejectedly, done trying to accurately convey what’s going through his mind. He’s clearly terrible at it and Jared’s not even trying to understand, so he’ll settle for getting it off his chest. He feels so frustrated he wants to kick something. If he’d acted sooner, if he’d manned up earlier, this might have been the first good thing in his life in months. ‘I felt like I had to get out. And that’s made everything awkward. I’m sorry.’
Jared raises his eyebrows and hands. ‘Any time you feel like making sense, man.’
‘Look. The only people I’ve ever felt this comfortable around were Lisa and Joanna.’ He gently shoves his empty mug over the surface of the table as he leans back in his chair, feeling defeated, and then finishes with a heavy sigh, ‘And Danneel.’
Jared’s about to talk, no doubt to express his agitation, when something seems to click in his head and he closes his mouth and stares at Jensen with wide eyes.
‘Ex-girlfriends,’ he says eventually, and even though it’s not in his intonation, Jensen can hear the question in his voice.
Jensen nods, giving him a mirthless smile. ‘So you might see why that was confusing,’ he says. ‘I’m - I was busy with work. Always. I didn’t have time for a relationship of any kind, let alone time to deal with this. So I didn’t deal and I switched masseurs.’
It seems like hours are creeping by and Jared’s still staring at him, frowning slightly and breathing deeply. Just when Jensen’s about to ask if he’s alright, Jared stops him and says, ‘Right. You might wanna rephrase that, before I get the wrong idea.’
Oh, great. Not only did Jared just shoot him down, he’s also looking at Jensen as if he’s the last person in the world he’d want to be around. Last time Jensen’s ever listened to Danneel.
And he’s about ready to just call this whole thing off, let it go, get up, except there’s some part of him that is actually kind of insulted by Jared’s reaction. Okay, he’s not exactly been Casanova, but he did the best he could, given the situation. He started half-assing at work, lost sleep over this. Hell, he started going to the gym.
So instead of just getting up and walking away, he hears himself say, ‘What idea? That I got a crush on you?’
Jared looks away, shrugging awkwardly, and Jensen’s almost grateful that his eyes aren’t focused on him anymore.
‘That’s wrong, is it?’ he asks and he surprises even himself with how calm and soft his voice is. He almost wants to laugh. ‘I guess I’m not your type.’
‘No. It’s not that, it’s - You’re not?’ Jared says, nervously. Part of Jensen is taking satisfaction in the way Jared’s now squirming, just as he was ten minutes ago. Serves him right for being so obnoxious, earlier. Jared takes a deep breath, closes his eyes in frustration, and gives it another shot. ‘You’re not -‘
Jensen ducks his head at him, squinting, and gets closer by resting his elbows on his knees and leaning his upper arms against the table. He’s trying to read Jared’s face, but he doesn’t see anything beyond the fact that the guy’s actually pretty spooked. So Jensen pulls back, holds up his hands as if he’s surrendering. ‘Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have -‘
‘You’re not joking,’ Jared finally finishes, as if Jensen hasn’t said a thing.
‘You see me laughing?’ He sighs again, finally ready to throw in the towel, and absently rubs his palms on his jeans. ‘It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.’
‘What way was it supposed to happen, then?’ Jared asks, and when Jensen looks up at him, he’s almost giggling. ‘Jensen. Seriously?’
‘What?’ he asks defensively, feeling he’s missed a vital part of the conversation.
‘This is why you stopped coming?’ Jared asks, as if it’s the most preposterous reason he’s ever heard. He shakes his head and smiles. ‘Man. You think I always work people into my schedule like that? I ditched other customers so you could come, I stayed extra hours, came in on free days. I even took that ridiculous tantric massage class, just so I could stun you with my talent.’
‘Well, you can rest assured, that worked,’ Jensen blurts. It only then hits him what Jared's just told him, that he went to great lengths to see him, as well, and Jensen loses track of everything he wanted to say. It's like his mind completely short-circuits. 'But you never said - You never said anything.'
'What did you want me to do?' Jared says with a shrug, as if he really doesn't know the answer to the question. 'You kept talking 'bout dating girls. I wasn't gonna hit on a straight man. Especially not after you found out I was gay. Man, I thought you were repulsed by me or something, the way you nearly came out of your skin whenever you saw me. And then you switched to Jim, of all people - I mean. I still don't get it.'
'I nearly came whenever I saw you,' Jensen says, a bit too loud and a bit too excited, desperately wanting to get through to Jared. He groans when he realizes what he's just said in a friggin' Starbucks and slams his face into the table. Jared bursts out laughing. 'See. This is why. This is what you do to me.'
Jared laughs louder, still. 'You're adorable, Jensen Ackles.'
'Shut up,' Jensen murmurs, embarrassed, face still smushed on the grainy wood. He finally looks up at Jared, then, who is staring back at Jensen as if “adorable” is everything he's been looking for. 'I'm sorry. I didn't understand, myself - I'm not sure I do now, even. I just - I was pretty sure I was straight until I met you, man. This is a pretty huge thing to come to grips with.'
'I know,' Jared says compassionately and Jensen feels like a complete moron again. Of course, Jared went through the same thing at some point. He looks uncertain for a moment, before he asks, 'Do you still think you're straight now?'
'Honestly? I wanna say yes,' he answers. It's going to be hard saying this out loud, even if he's been thinking it for a while, so he leans back in his chair and looks out over the coffee shop. At least that way, he won't have to look Jared in the eye. It's too late, though, he's already seen his face fall. 'But the way my body reacts to you, the way I feel around you, I can't - that's not just friendship. And I don't think I want it to be.'
He turns back to Jared and tries to read him. He thinks he can see a mix of determined and hopeful, happy and smug.
'Good,' Jared says, getting up suddenly, and for a horrifying moment, Jensen thinks he's going to leave. In less than a second, he's thought up a million disaster scenarios - he thinks that maybe Jared doesn't want him, or that Jared isn't gay at all, or that this was just a way to get back at him: make him open up and then leave him hanging - and through his panic, each seems more likely than the next.
But then Jared crouches in front of him, face close to his, expression soft and gentle. He puts his hands on Jensen's where they're resting on his knees and looks at them before carefully looking up at him, as if he's checking Jensen's okay with it.
Jensen is. He's really fucking okay with it. After not having Jared touch him for over a month, he's taking whatever he can get. It must show on his face, then, because Jared smiles and says, 'That's really good.'
That's when Jared makes his move. He puts his hands on either side of Jensen's face - these gigantic hands that feel like they're touching every inch of Jensen's head, that could crush it or heal it, that have probably done both already - and lurches up to catch his lips with his own, like a predator going in for the kill. And just like that, Jared and Jensen are kissing. The first thing Jensen thinks of is that they're in public, that he is getting kissed in public, by a man. But then he can feel the hands shift just a bit, feel Jared exhale as if he's been holding his breath for ages and it hits him that it's not just a man. It's Jared, and Jensen has been waiting for this kiss for so long, it's not really hard to finally get lost in it.
It's not at all what he'd expected, nothing like what Chris told him. Because this is nothing like kissing a girl. His hands are up in Jared's hair before he realizes it, clutching it in his clenched fists, just as Jared is pretty much doing to his. It must look like a power struggle to everyone else, Jensen manages to think, and he's not too sure it isn't. They're kissing each other as if their lives are depending on it, as if they might never get to do this again. There's teeth in there, clashing as they're both too eager to taste and feel each other. He's frowning hard as he tries to discern all the different tastes he can detect in Jared's mouth (there's the coffee from just now, something minty and even the lavender lotion from Sandover) and even though those are not the best mix, it tastes amazing to Jensen. Jared bites his lower lip hard - it seems to release the tension that's been building up inside him for months and Jensen cannot help but whimper.
Jared pulls back then - slightly out of breath, cheeks tinted just a tiny bit pink - and rests his forehead against Jensen's. He smiles again.
If he looks at it objectively, it's not the best kiss Jensen's ever had. It wasn't the easiest, or the smoothest. But at the same time, this is Jared, which means that being objective is entirely out of the question, anyway. And he can tell that with a bit of practice, there will be no competition whatsoever. Jensen's so overwhelmed by everything - by finally getting to kiss Jared, by the fact that he wasn't the one to make the first move, by all the thoughts and feelings swirling through him - he has to put in a lot of effort to just choke out, 'What is it?'
'I was just thinking,' Jared says, moving back just an inch. Jensen's hands clench without him consciously deciding to do it, just to keep him close. It makes Jared smile again, and Jensen thinks that if that's all it takes, he'll gladly keep hold of Jared's shirts for the rest of his life. 'You had me at “we switched”, you know.'
Jensen frowns at him, because he has no idea whatsoever what he's talking about. Jared can tell, apparently. 'Back at Sandover, when we first met? First thing you said to me is that you and Tom switched. If you'd made a move right then, I wouldn't have said no.'
Jensen needs a minute to think that over, so he takes a deep breath, trying to get his thoughts straight. 'So, all this time, you and I -'
'Yup.'
He runs a hand through his hair and snorts, suddenly feeling a million times lighter. ‘This sucks, huh.'
'Totally,' Jared says with a chuckle and kisses him again.
XXXVIII.
He hasn't officially come out to the people at work yet aside from Chris, Steve, Mike and Tom. But word travels fast on the work floor and it travels even faster if Chad Michael Murray's on it. No one seems to mind or care, though, and that's good enough for Jensen.
However, one morning, he finds a post-it on his desk that says,
you hurt him
i kill you.
cmm
Jensen has no idea what that means and, for a moment, he actually believes Murray's talking about himself in third person, but even then, he wouldn't know what he did to deserve such a note. He doesn't know how seriously he should take it either - not that he actually thinks Murray might murder him in his sleep, but after everything that happened between them, he'd like Steve's opinion on how to react to this nonetheless.
He finds out what Murray's talking about when he passes his desk on his way to HR. It's a complete surprise when he doesn't have to flinch at the half-naked women on his desktop, but instead sees his boyfriend with Murray, laughing at the camera with that drunken look he's come to know by now. It's taken from too close and Jared looks ridiculous, especially with that stupid beanie he insists on wearing. It covers half his right eye, which makes him look more like he is squinting in pain than actually having fun, but Jensen's heart still skips a beat.
He takes out his cell to text Jared immediately.
you're friends with chad michael murray?
The reply he gets makes him laugh out loud, to great confusion of his designers.
you're the reason he keeps texting me about teapots?
Yeah. He's not exactly the life of the party yet, but he thinks he might get there, eventually. Jensen may or may not have learned to take a joke in the last couple of months, and he's learning how not to take himself or Chad Michael Murray too seriously.
So he just leaves Murray a post-it that says,
I hurt him,
I let you.
And he means it.
Murray's an acquired taste he'll never fully appreciate, but he finds out later that he's been a really good friend to Jared while Jensen was off being clueless, and he already was one before Jensen put his head up his own ass.
They learn to respect each other eventually.
*
'I get off in half an hour,' Jared says when he calls Jensen at the office at five thirty, he doesn't even bother with greeting him. He never does (which might be the only trait in him Jensen's mother will never approve of).
'Well, what do you know,' Jensen tells him, smiling, 'it would appear I do too.'
'Really?' Jared asks, sounding clueless. 'You got anything planned?'
'Me, not really,' he answers easily, scrolling through the file on his computer to see if it needs more work. 'But I think my boyfriend has. I heard he took another tantric massage class today.'
'You bet. Now shut down that computer and make sure you're home by six.'
Jensen laughs loudly, even though Jared's already hung up. They've been together for a little over five months now and it turns out that finding a balance between work, a relationship and pleasure isn't nearly as hard as he thought it was. Especially not when Jared is two of those rolled in one.
Work comes in third place and he's never been happier.
*
previous * author's notes.