Fic
Title - Facades
Fandom - Once Upon a Time
Pairing - Emma/Regina
Rating - PG13
AN - Set during The Lady of Lake in the world where Lana Parrilla can have one tiny scene and steal the show and in my ficland this follows my drabbles, Mirror Mirror, This Provincial Life, Viviane or Nimue, Dreams and Wishes, All the Better to…., Magic Keys, Curiouser and Curiouser, Snow Blind, Spinning Straw , Wooden Hearts , Poisoned , True Love and Other Curses, Spellbound and Over the Rainbow
Facades
The bell jingles as she enters Granny’s, causing heads to turn. It’s a normal reaction to the sound but she doubts that the response that follows is typical. Eyes automatically avert as backs stiffen and shoulders hunch. Some attack the food before them with animal like voracity whilst others appear to have lost their appetite altogether. Whatever the approach taken the net result is the same, a beeline for the counter and a hasty exit.
She supposes that she should be offended but it is too late for their actions to hurt her. She had actually thought that it was too late for any actions to hurt her but it turns out that she was wrong about that. Despite every thing that has happened of late, life has yet to beat hope out of her and because of that she was still vulnerable.
When she had thought that Henry wanted to meet her for lunch she had felt lighter, the sorrow that had been threatening to crush her lifted a little. She wants to be redeemed, she really does. She has wanted that since she first made the mistake of giving into her anger and sending her mother through the mirror. It’s just that anger and power turned out to be the path of least resistance. It’s a path that has taken her a very long way from where she should have been and she is not sure that the journey back is even possible. She may want to be redeemed but she doesn’t know if she’s actually redeemable.
The phone call had made it seem like it could be possible. That at least someone saw some worth in her. Not just someone. Henry. He is someone who counts. If he could see some good in her than perhaps she had not done absolutely everything wrong and her biggest fear had not been realised, she had not turned into her mother.
It appears her response to the phone call was premature. Henry may not have pushed her through a portal but in a way she wished he had. There is nothing for her here. No life, no friends, no job - she has been ousted from a fake job in a fake town - and most importantly no family. At least if he’d pushed into another dimension there would have been the remote chance that she’d be reunited with Emma. Their reunion would likely be brief, if she found Emma she would also find the wraith, but it would be better than nothing.
Nothing is all she has now. It is both literally and metaphorically true. There is not even a menu on her table in front of her but in a way that is irrelevant because no one is interested in taking her order. She doesn’t bother to try and attract attention as she’s not sure she wants anything anyway. Appetite has become somewhat of a foreign concept to her. There is really no reason for her to be here, she knows that by returning she is rubbing salt into her wounds, but it’s not like she has anywhere else to go.
She can’t help thinking about Henry. In a way, even though she is hurt, her overwhelming feeling with regard to Henry is disappointment. She’s not thrilled that he lied to her but she is appalled that he did such a bad job. He didn’t seem to think things through at all or at least if he did he didn’t care that it would be obvious that he had stolen her keys.
Maybe that’s why she’s here. Maybe she hopes that he will realise his mistake and show up for appearances sake. She would settle for that. Settle for them both pretending that he didn’t lie to her and then steal from her. That he didn’t trespass into a place where he had no business being; a place that she would have killed anyone else for going.
It hurts her to know how easy it is for him to see evil in her. She may see herself as a monster but she tried never to let that show around Henry. She has given him everything she could. She has loved him as best she can. Yet he would rather be with strangers than with her.
Charming is Henry’s grandfather but he knows as much about the child as he knows about a bar of soap. Henry loves these people based on nothing but pages in a book. Some of what is written on those pages might be the truth but a lot of it isn’t. The book plays fast and loose with concepts of good and bad, right and wrong. His precious grandparents aren’t vilified for their body counts or the blood on their hands but she is.
History is meant to be written by the victors. That book should be about a queen who was set upon by an imposter masquerading as a prince and orphaned princess determined to blame others for her pain. At the very least the book should be about a girl who lost everything because her mother wanted to make her a queen.
Although when she thinks about it, revealing Cora’s nature would not be the wisest of moves. All Henry would see was that the rotten apple didn’t fall far from the tree. He wouldn’t see that she tried hard to fight the poison or that she never wanted him to be tainted by it.
A tear slides down her cheek as she thinks about Henry and about how much she wanted things to be different. Despite her best efforts he hates and fears her just as she did her own mother. In fact, if anything, she loved her mother so much more than Henry loves her - if he loves her at all.
Apparently crying is what it takes to get service in this place if you are a former evil queen and a former mayor. Although it’s not good service because Ruby, or Red, or whoever she is, does not appear with a menu or an order pad, she just sits down opposite Regina and asks, “Are you ok?”
“I’m fabulous,” Regina says snidely. “Why do you ask?”
“Sarcastic words won’t drive me away.” Red does what many would consider the unthinkable and reaches over to touch Regina’s hand. “I think you need someone to talk to and I may not be much but I think I’m all you’ve got.”
“There is a perfectly good therapist in this town.”
“There is a cricket who for a while thought he was therapist. I’m not really sure that’s the same thing.”
“I suppose you are going to tell me this is all my fault and remind me I am the one who made the curse. You don’t have to do that. You can just report to Charming that you saw me here alone and crying and I think your job as his lapdog would pretty much be done. ”
“I told you once that you had changed but sadly it seems the change wasn’t big enough.” Red stands up and heads back over to the counter.
“I may not have changed but it seems you have. What you said before, the Red I knew wouldn’t have said.”
“Wouldn’t have said what?”
“That she wasn’t much.”
The waitress halts and turns around to face Regina, “But it’s how she felt. It’s how I’ve felt for a long time.”
“Maybe you’re the one who needs someone to talk to,” Regina can’t keep the note of triumph out of her voice.
“That’s probably true and maybe I thought we could help one another but I guess I was asking too much of you.”
“I’m sorry if I’m making this difficult. I’m not very good at this sort of thing. Please,” she gestures to the empty seat, “but only if you want to.”
Red returns and gives Regina a shy look, “Now that I’m here I’m not sure where to start.”
“You are the one who suggested I need to talk. What is it you feel I need to talk about?”
“I didn’t support your removal as major.”
“Ok,” Regina says. She doesn’t know what else to say. She just knows she wasn’t expecting the conversation to go this way.
“It doesn’t count for much. I just wanted you to know it.”
“It doesn’t change anything.”
“I know but I thought you might like to know that not everyone thinks you did a terrible job of running this town.”
“Are you telling me that when the next lynch mob comes to find me that you won’t be a part of it?”
“I didn’t say that,” Red admits.
“Fair enough.”
“I’m just saying that my heart won’t be in it.”
“It should be,” Regina tells her, “of everyone here you have the right to want me dead. I….I,” she tries to search for a delicate way to put it but there is none, “I violated you.”
“Yes you did.”
“I want to tell you I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s anywhere near enough.”
“You’re right. It’s not and it never will be. I will always hate you for doing that to me.”
“I understand,” Regina places her hands on the table and pushes herself up.
“Ruby hated herself for letting you do that to her but she hated more that you stopped. She was very confused about her feelings for you.”
Regina lowers herself down into her chair. “Ruby did not have feelings for me other than hate. Nobody does.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes I think I do.”
“Ruby wanted things to be different. She wanted you; she just wanted you to want her back.”
“And where does that leave us?” Regina shouldn’t have asked but she finds she needs to know the answer.
“I don’t want you, not the way she did, but I feel her attraction towards you. Also I understand the reason why things between you and her ended.”
“Is that so?” Regina holds her breath. This is a not conversation she is ready for.
“You know that I know about her.”
“Red the fact that I was sleeping with someone else doesn’t mean anything.” She tries to scoff but the thought of Emma makes her voice tight.
“Oh I know that fidelity was never your strong suit, even Ruby knew that, but answer me this - were you faithful to her?”
“To Ruby? I thought we had established that I wasn’t.”
“Not to Ruby. To her.”
“Eventually.” She is shocked by the truth falling out of her mouth.
“That surprises me.”
“I’m not perfect but I am capable of loyalty.”
“Oh that’s not the bit that surprises me. I always thought that from the moment you saw her she was all you could think about.”
She was all that Regina could think about, she still is, but Red doesn’t need to know that, “My life was complicated when I met her.”
“You mean because you were fucking both me and Graham?” Red’s words make Regina uncomfortable but even more unsettling is that fact that they are delivered with a smile that Regina can only describe as wolfish.
“You knew about him?”
“Of course.”
“Did everyone know about him?” She doesn’t like the thought of people knowing her business.
“I don’t know. I doubt that other people were quite as interested in the mayor’s movements as Ruby was.”
“I’m truly sorry about what I did to her.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be sorry. She understood what she had with you and why it went away. She didn’t believe in herself all that much and she certainly didn’t think she deserved better. I’m the one who is angry about what happened between the two of you.”
“Then I’m sorry that I did that to you. Made you someone so different to who you are.”
“But only because you’ve been caught?” the wolfish grin had returned.
“Well there is that,” Regina gives an answering smile of her own, “but I didn’t sit down and design what people would be like once they were cursed.”
“But you did want people to suffer.”
“The curse was about taking away happiness; it wasn’t designed to be pleasant.”
“Then you failed with me.”
“I’m not sure what you are trying to tell me.”
“Don’t worry,” Red says with a laugh, “this is not my subtle way of letting you know about your sexual prowess.”
Regina is both relieved and offended, “I happen to have skills in that department.” She has had to, it has helped her survive.
“I’m sure there is someone who is better equipped to give testimony on that topic than I am.”
“Perhaps,” is all that Regina is willing to say.
“Ruby may have lacked self-esteem and ambition but in a lot of ways she liked herself better than I do.”
“How can that be true?”
“She only saw herself as a failure. I have to live with the fact that I’m a monster.”
“I see.”
“Which is why I understand you better than the others. Not all monsters want to be monsters.”
“No they don’t,” she states sadly.
“So in a way I thank you for the fact that for many years I forgot about the beast inside of me. Without your curse I never would have known that peace.”
“It wasn’t my curse. Not really. I thought it was mine and I did cast it but I know now I was nothing but a puppet.”
“Well I’m thankful to you anyway.”
“If you feel that way why do you stay?”
“You mean why don’t I turn myself back into Ruby?”
“It’s not hard from what I hear.”
“You probably want everyone to do that.”
“It’s a thought that has crossed my mind. It’s not easy to know that everyone has their memories back.”
“I wish I could say that you are not in danger.”
“So do I,” Regina says with a harsh laugh.
“You must want to push all of us over the town limits.”
“I admit I’d sleep a little sounder if I did but it’s not all that important. I can’t change the memory of the ones who really matter.”
“Like Emma you mean?”
Regina is a little surprised that Red went there. She feels Henry should be a much more obvious choice. That said, Red’s choice is valid, painfully so. “Well it hardly matters what she thinks now. Miss Swan is lost.”
“But we both know you will try and get her back.”
“I promised Henry that I would.”
“And we both know that that’s not the only reason you will try to get her back.”
“Yes, well, if I manage to get the saviour back people may decide to convert my death sentence to a life of torture instead.”
Red lets out a huff of breath and rolls her eyes, “Why can’t you just admit you want her back.”
“What do you want me to say? That I’m falling apart without her? That I don’t feel whole? That life has lost all meaning? That I’d cut off my arm to get her back? That is ridiculous, romantic nonsense.”
“I expect you to tell the truth.”
“I will get Miss Swan back because it’s the right thing to do.”
“Ok,” Red sounds resigned.
“And because I want her back,” Regina adds softly.
“Was that so hard?”
“I threw you a bone. Don’t try to push me.” Red drops her head and does not respond. “I’m sorry,” Regina says, “it was poor word choice. I didn’t mean to insult you.”
“It’s ok. I’m just a little sensitive to reminders that I am an animal.”
“Maybe you aren’t here. Magic works differently. Jimmy hasn’t turned back into an insect,” which is a shame because Regina would like to know that she could literally squash him like a bug if she wished.
“It doesn’t matter. I can still feel the animal inside me. Nothing can change that. Just like nothing can change the fact that people know that the creature is part of me.”
“You could leave. It wouldn’t change what other people think but at least you wouldn’t have to know.”
“But I could still turn. Ruby wouldn’t be prepared for that. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“It was just an idea.”
“I know. Even if I don’t turn into a wolf there is no great outcome for me. If I stay I’m the Charming’s lapdog, if I go I turn back into your willing but unused prostitute.”
Regina feels indignant, “I never paid you for sex.”
“But you didn’t care about me either.”
“That was about my failings, not yours.”
“We really don’t need to have the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ conversation.”
“Maybe I should have had it with Ruby?”
“Possibly but it doesn’t matter now.”
“I still feel very awkward about all of this.”
“As well you should. Look I know that you weren’t thinking about the curse being broken and I know in a way Ruby was a completely different person to who I was before but it still feels all gross and wrong. I’m not going to pretend that on some level I don’t want to rip your throat out.”
“I can’t fix what I did.”
“I know.” Red looks her soundly in the eye. “We both have things that we’d like to take back but can’t.”
“You shouldn’t feel like that. You didn’t have control over your wrong doings. They are not who you are.”
“Neither are yours.”
“You are alone in thinking that.”
“Then I am the only one who is right.”
“What were you saying earlier about self-esteem and confidence?” Regina quips.
“I don’t need those to know that I’m right,” Red retorts.
“If you say so.”
“I am right. I have to be. Otherwise there is no hope for either of us and I refuse to accept that.”
“Do you really think there could be hope for me?”
“Yes.”
“How can you honestly believe that?”
“Because of Emma.”
“I don’t think the fact that I have developed feelings for someone is a sign that I’m not pure evil.”
“Perhaps not but the fact that she has feelings for you could be.”
“Really?” she sounds more desperate than she would like.
“I don’t have any idea what makes someone good or evil but I think it’s a place to start.”
“No, not that. Do you really think she has feelings for me?”
“I do. Big, ridiculous, romantic feelings. She probably doesn’t feel whole without you and would cut off her arm to be with you.”
It’s been a long time since Regina calmly allowed someone to make fun of her but under the circumstances she feels she can make an exception. Red has given her a rare gift. She tries to formulate a way to thank her but she is interrupted by Red exclaiming, “Shit!”
“Excuse me?”
Ruby wipes her hands on her apron and says, “I don’t want to sound rude but we won’t be alone for long.”
“Are you trying to tell me that Granny doesn’t approve of me?”
Red goes pale and doesn’t reply. “It’s ok,” Regina assures her, “I won’t hold it against you and I won’t make it hard for you. I’ll go.”
She feels strange. She knows that one conversation doesn’t make Red her friend, or even her ally, but it’s definitely possible the wolf girl is not her enemy. She reaches the door and turns back, wishing she knew a proper way to thank Red for her support but the best she can do is to tell her, “I’m glad that I didn’t take your heart.”
Red flashes her a sad smile, “You did, just in the more conventional way.”
“Red, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. You took Ruby’s heart. Not mine. That heart was never available to you.”
Regina suspects that Red knows a lot about love, loss and pain but whatever uneasy alliance they have it is not the sort that allows for that kind of conversation. “Well then I’m glad I didn’t take your heart in an unconventional way.”
This time Red’s smile is real, “Me too.”
Regina exits feeling the most hopeful she has since Emma was ripped away from her. It’s ridiculous, ridiculous and romantic, but she feels certain that she will get Emma back even if she has to cut off her own arm to do it.
Fandom - Once Upon a Time
Pairing - Emma/Regina
Rating - PG13
AN - Set during The Lady of Lake in the world where Lana Parrilla can have one tiny scene and steal the show and in my ficland this follows my drabbles, Mirror Mirror, This Provincial Life, Viviane or Nimue, Dreams and Wishes, All the Better to…., Magic Keys, Curiouser and Curiouser, Snow Blind, Spinning Straw , Wooden Hearts , Poisoned , True Love and Other Curses, Spellbound and Over the Rainbow
Facades
The bell jingles as she enters Granny’s, causing heads to turn. It’s a normal reaction to the sound but she doubts that the response that follows is typical. Eyes automatically avert as backs stiffen and shoulders hunch. Some attack the food before them with animal like voracity whilst others appear to have lost their appetite altogether. Whatever the approach taken the net result is the same, a beeline for the counter and a hasty exit.
She supposes that she should be offended but it is too late for their actions to hurt her. She had actually thought that it was too late for any actions to hurt her but it turns out that she was wrong about that. Despite every thing that has happened of late, life has yet to beat hope out of her and because of that she was still vulnerable.
When she had thought that Henry wanted to meet her for lunch she had felt lighter, the sorrow that had been threatening to crush her lifted a little. She wants to be redeemed, she really does. She has wanted that since she first made the mistake of giving into her anger and sending her mother through the mirror. It’s just that anger and power turned out to be the path of least resistance. It’s a path that has taken her a very long way from where she should have been and she is not sure that the journey back is even possible. She may want to be redeemed but she doesn’t know if she’s actually redeemable.
The phone call had made it seem like it could be possible. That at least someone saw some worth in her. Not just someone. Henry. He is someone who counts. If he could see some good in her than perhaps she had not done absolutely everything wrong and her biggest fear had not been realised, she had not turned into her mother.
It appears her response to the phone call was premature. Henry may not have pushed her through a portal but in a way she wished he had. There is nothing for her here. No life, no friends, no job - she has been ousted from a fake job in a fake town - and most importantly no family. At least if he’d pushed into another dimension there would have been the remote chance that she’d be reunited with Emma. Their reunion would likely be brief, if she found Emma she would also find the wraith, but it would be better than nothing.
Nothing is all she has now. It is both literally and metaphorically true. There is not even a menu on her table in front of her but in a way that is irrelevant because no one is interested in taking her order. She doesn’t bother to try and attract attention as she’s not sure she wants anything anyway. Appetite has become somewhat of a foreign concept to her. There is really no reason for her to be here, she knows that by returning she is rubbing salt into her wounds, but it’s not like she has anywhere else to go.
She can’t help thinking about Henry. In a way, even though she is hurt, her overwhelming feeling with regard to Henry is disappointment. She’s not thrilled that he lied to her but she is appalled that he did such a bad job. He didn’t seem to think things through at all or at least if he did he didn’t care that it would be obvious that he had stolen her keys.
Maybe that’s why she’s here. Maybe she hopes that he will realise his mistake and show up for appearances sake. She would settle for that. Settle for them both pretending that he didn’t lie to her and then steal from her. That he didn’t trespass into a place where he had no business being; a place that she would have killed anyone else for going.
It hurts her to know how easy it is for him to see evil in her. She may see herself as a monster but she tried never to let that show around Henry. She has given him everything she could. She has loved him as best she can. Yet he would rather be with strangers than with her.
Charming is Henry’s grandfather but he knows as much about the child as he knows about a bar of soap. Henry loves these people based on nothing but pages in a book. Some of what is written on those pages might be the truth but a lot of it isn’t. The book plays fast and loose with concepts of good and bad, right and wrong. His precious grandparents aren’t vilified for their body counts or the blood on their hands but she is.
History is meant to be written by the victors. That book should be about a queen who was set upon by an imposter masquerading as a prince and orphaned princess determined to blame others for her pain. At the very least the book should be about a girl who lost everything because her mother wanted to make her a queen.
Although when she thinks about it, revealing Cora’s nature would not be the wisest of moves. All Henry would see was that the rotten apple didn’t fall far from the tree. He wouldn’t see that she tried hard to fight the poison or that she never wanted him to be tainted by it.
A tear slides down her cheek as she thinks about Henry and about how much she wanted things to be different. Despite her best efforts he hates and fears her just as she did her own mother. In fact, if anything, she loved her mother so much more than Henry loves her - if he loves her at all.
Apparently crying is what it takes to get service in this place if you are a former evil queen and a former mayor. Although it’s not good service because Ruby, or Red, or whoever she is, does not appear with a menu or an order pad, she just sits down opposite Regina and asks, “Are you ok?”
“I’m fabulous,” Regina says snidely. “Why do you ask?”
“Sarcastic words won’t drive me away.” Red does what many would consider the unthinkable and reaches over to touch Regina’s hand. “I think you need someone to talk to and I may not be much but I think I’m all you’ve got.”
“There is a perfectly good therapist in this town.”
“There is a cricket who for a while thought he was therapist. I’m not really sure that’s the same thing.”
“I suppose you are going to tell me this is all my fault and remind me I am the one who made the curse. You don’t have to do that. You can just report to Charming that you saw me here alone and crying and I think your job as his lapdog would pretty much be done. ”
“I told you once that you had changed but sadly it seems the change wasn’t big enough.” Red stands up and heads back over to the counter.
“I may not have changed but it seems you have. What you said before, the Red I knew wouldn’t have said.”
“Wouldn’t have said what?”
“That she wasn’t much.”
The waitress halts and turns around to face Regina, “But it’s how she felt. It’s how I’ve felt for a long time.”
“Maybe you’re the one who needs someone to talk to,” Regina can’t keep the note of triumph out of her voice.
“That’s probably true and maybe I thought we could help one another but I guess I was asking too much of you.”
“I’m sorry if I’m making this difficult. I’m not very good at this sort of thing. Please,” she gestures to the empty seat, “but only if you want to.”
Red returns and gives Regina a shy look, “Now that I’m here I’m not sure where to start.”
“You are the one who suggested I need to talk. What is it you feel I need to talk about?”
“I didn’t support your removal as major.”
“Ok,” Regina says. She doesn’t know what else to say. She just knows she wasn’t expecting the conversation to go this way.
“It doesn’t count for much. I just wanted you to know it.”
“It doesn’t change anything.”
“I know but I thought you might like to know that not everyone thinks you did a terrible job of running this town.”
“Are you telling me that when the next lynch mob comes to find me that you won’t be a part of it?”
“I didn’t say that,” Red admits.
“Fair enough.”
“I’m just saying that my heart won’t be in it.”
“It should be,” Regina tells her, “of everyone here you have the right to want me dead. I….I,” she tries to search for a delicate way to put it but there is none, “I violated you.”
“Yes you did.”
“I want to tell you I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s anywhere near enough.”
“You’re right. It’s not and it never will be. I will always hate you for doing that to me.”
“I understand,” Regina places her hands on the table and pushes herself up.
“Ruby hated herself for letting you do that to her but she hated more that you stopped. She was very confused about her feelings for you.”
Regina lowers herself down into her chair. “Ruby did not have feelings for me other than hate. Nobody does.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes I think I do.”
“Ruby wanted things to be different. She wanted you; she just wanted you to want her back.”
“And where does that leave us?” Regina shouldn’t have asked but she finds she needs to know the answer.
“I don’t want you, not the way she did, but I feel her attraction towards you. Also I understand the reason why things between you and her ended.”
“Is that so?” Regina holds her breath. This is a not conversation she is ready for.
“You know that I know about her.”
“Red the fact that I was sleeping with someone else doesn’t mean anything.” She tries to scoff but the thought of Emma makes her voice tight.
“Oh I know that fidelity was never your strong suit, even Ruby knew that, but answer me this - were you faithful to her?”
“To Ruby? I thought we had established that I wasn’t.”
“Not to Ruby. To her.”
“Eventually.” She is shocked by the truth falling out of her mouth.
“That surprises me.”
“I’m not perfect but I am capable of loyalty.”
“Oh that’s not the bit that surprises me. I always thought that from the moment you saw her she was all you could think about.”
She was all that Regina could think about, she still is, but Red doesn’t need to know that, “My life was complicated when I met her.”
“You mean because you were fucking both me and Graham?” Red’s words make Regina uncomfortable but even more unsettling is that fact that they are delivered with a smile that Regina can only describe as wolfish.
“You knew about him?”
“Of course.”
“Did everyone know about him?” She doesn’t like the thought of people knowing her business.
“I don’t know. I doubt that other people were quite as interested in the mayor’s movements as Ruby was.”
“I’m truly sorry about what I did to her.”
“She wouldn’t want you to be sorry. She understood what she had with you and why it went away. She didn’t believe in herself all that much and she certainly didn’t think she deserved better. I’m the one who is angry about what happened between the two of you.”
“Then I’m sorry that I did that to you. Made you someone so different to who you are.”
“But only because you’ve been caught?” the wolfish grin had returned.
“Well there is that,” Regina gives an answering smile of her own, “but I didn’t sit down and design what people would be like once they were cursed.”
“But you did want people to suffer.”
“The curse was about taking away happiness; it wasn’t designed to be pleasant.”
“Then you failed with me.”
“I’m not sure what you are trying to tell me.”
“Don’t worry,” Red says with a laugh, “this is not my subtle way of letting you know about your sexual prowess.”
Regina is both relieved and offended, “I happen to have skills in that department.” She has had to, it has helped her survive.
“I’m sure there is someone who is better equipped to give testimony on that topic than I am.”
“Perhaps,” is all that Regina is willing to say.
“Ruby may have lacked self-esteem and ambition but in a lot of ways she liked herself better than I do.”
“How can that be true?”
“She only saw herself as a failure. I have to live with the fact that I’m a monster.”
“I see.”
“Which is why I understand you better than the others. Not all monsters want to be monsters.”
“No they don’t,” she states sadly.
“So in a way I thank you for the fact that for many years I forgot about the beast inside of me. Without your curse I never would have known that peace.”
“It wasn’t my curse. Not really. I thought it was mine and I did cast it but I know now I was nothing but a puppet.”
“Well I’m thankful to you anyway.”
“If you feel that way why do you stay?”
“You mean why don’t I turn myself back into Ruby?”
“It’s not hard from what I hear.”
“You probably want everyone to do that.”
“It’s a thought that has crossed my mind. It’s not easy to know that everyone has their memories back.”
“I wish I could say that you are not in danger.”
“So do I,” Regina says with a harsh laugh.
“You must want to push all of us over the town limits.”
“I admit I’d sleep a little sounder if I did but it’s not all that important. I can’t change the memory of the ones who really matter.”
“Like Emma you mean?”
Regina is a little surprised that Red went there. She feels Henry should be a much more obvious choice. That said, Red’s choice is valid, painfully so. “Well it hardly matters what she thinks now. Miss Swan is lost.”
“But we both know you will try and get her back.”
“I promised Henry that I would.”
“And we both know that that’s not the only reason you will try to get her back.”
“Yes, well, if I manage to get the saviour back people may decide to convert my death sentence to a life of torture instead.”
Red lets out a huff of breath and rolls her eyes, “Why can’t you just admit you want her back.”
“What do you want me to say? That I’m falling apart without her? That I don’t feel whole? That life has lost all meaning? That I’d cut off my arm to get her back? That is ridiculous, romantic nonsense.”
“I expect you to tell the truth.”
“I will get Miss Swan back because it’s the right thing to do.”
“Ok,” Red sounds resigned.
“And because I want her back,” Regina adds softly.
“Was that so hard?”
“I threw you a bone. Don’t try to push me.” Red drops her head and does not respond. “I’m sorry,” Regina says, “it was poor word choice. I didn’t mean to insult you.”
“It’s ok. I’m just a little sensitive to reminders that I am an animal.”
“Maybe you aren’t here. Magic works differently. Jimmy hasn’t turned back into an insect,” which is a shame because Regina would like to know that she could literally squash him like a bug if she wished.
“It doesn’t matter. I can still feel the animal inside me. Nothing can change that. Just like nothing can change the fact that people know that the creature is part of me.”
“You could leave. It wouldn’t change what other people think but at least you wouldn’t have to know.”
“But I could still turn. Ruby wouldn’t be prepared for that. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“It was just an idea.”
“I know. Even if I don’t turn into a wolf there is no great outcome for me. If I stay I’m the Charming’s lapdog, if I go I turn back into your willing but unused prostitute.”
Regina feels indignant, “I never paid you for sex.”
“But you didn’t care about me either.”
“That was about my failings, not yours.”
“We really don’t need to have the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ conversation.”
“Maybe I should have had it with Ruby?”
“Possibly but it doesn’t matter now.”
“I still feel very awkward about all of this.”
“As well you should. Look I know that you weren’t thinking about the curse being broken and I know in a way Ruby was a completely different person to who I was before but it still feels all gross and wrong. I’m not going to pretend that on some level I don’t want to rip your throat out.”
“I can’t fix what I did.”
“I know.” Red looks her soundly in the eye. “We both have things that we’d like to take back but can’t.”
“You shouldn’t feel like that. You didn’t have control over your wrong doings. They are not who you are.”
“Neither are yours.”
“You are alone in thinking that.”
“Then I am the only one who is right.”
“What were you saying earlier about self-esteem and confidence?” Regina quips.
“I don’t need those to know that I’m right,” Red retorts.
“If you say so.”
“I am right. I have to be. Otherwise there is no hope for either of us and I refuse to accept that.”
“Do you really think there could be hope for me?”
“Yes.”
“How can you honestly believe that?”
“Because of Emma.”
“I don’t think the fact that I have developed feelings for someone is a sign that I’m not pure evil.”
“Perhaps not but the fact that she has feelings for you could be.”
“Really?” she sounds more desperate than she would like.
“I don’t have any idea what makes someone good or evil but I think it’s a place to start.”
“No, not that. Do you really think she has feelings for me?”
“I do. Big, ridiculous, romantic feelings. She probably doesn’t feel whole without you and would cut off her arm to be with you.”
It’s been a long time since Regina calmly allowed someone to make fun of her but under the circumstances she feels she can make an exception. Red has given her a rare gift. She tries to formulate a way to thank her but she is interrupted by Red exclaiming, “Shit!”
“Excuse me?”
Ruby wipes her hands on her apron and says, “I don’t want to sound rude but we won’t be alone for long.”
“Are you trying to tell me that Granny doesn’t approve of me?”
Red goes pale and doesn’t reply. “It’s ok,” Regina assures her, “I won’t hold it against you and I won’t make it hard for you. I’ll go.”
She feels strange. She knows that one conversation doesn’t make Red her friend, or even her ally, but it’s definitely possible the wolf girl is not her enemy. She reaches the door and turns back, wishing she knew a proper way to thank Red for her support but the best she can do is to tell her, “I’m glad that I didn’t take your heart.”
Red flashes her a sad smile, “You did, just in the more conventional way.”
“Red, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. You took Ruby’s heart. Not mine. That heart was never available to you.”
Regina suspects that Red knows a lot about love, loss and pain but whatever uneasy alliance they have it is not the sort that allows for that kind of conversation. “Well then I’m glad I didn’t take your heart in an unconventional way.”
This time Red’s smile is real, “Me too.”
Regina exits feeling the most hopeful she has since Emma was ripped away from her. It’s ridiculous, ridiculous and romantic, but she feels certain that she will get Emma back even if she has to cut off her own arm to do it.