What do I want? Honestly? I don't know. It is so fluid and unclear to me. My 20 year high school reunion is coming up. It is bringing up a lot of feelings. I don't smoke weed. I used to. I don't do drugs. I used to. I shaved off my eyebrows. I used to get drunk to kill the pain. It motivated me. Now, what am I motivated to do? Who am I? What am ? ( Read more... )

They say that misery loves company. What does it say about me that I love solitude? I am not sure. I love being alone. I love exploring my own mind. I love feeling my muscles contract and proceeding with ease. I want to go for a hike today. I am sore from the gym. I don't feel anxious. I am not trying to accomplish anything. How can I not be so ( Read more... )

Good morning! Today is, well it is marked on here, but I like to include it on here anyhow. Today is pi day! 3.1415926... And so on.

I am feeling like I have a measured tension about me. It is death. I'm sure it is. I can feel it in every breath. I know I better be present for what is happening now because that is all there is. And the only place I ( Read more... )

And thats dangerous. The way we see the world. Everyone is living in their own mini world. We are already in a MetaVerse. We already have our own computer, more sophisticated than anything we can dream up. Why would we want to limit our experience?

I was told once that at work that I was complicit in a money making scam. I work at a bicycle shop. A customer brought in a bike and asked for us to change a rear tube tube. We always make sure the brakes work before performing service on a bike. In this case it was a child's bike and hand brake for the rear wheel could be squeezed all the way to ( Read more... )

Good morning! I don't feel like me. I feel stuck on some treadmill. I know it's a cliché. I don't even know if I believe it. But lately I feel carried off by the wind. I bought a fixed gear bike, then I bought a frame... Why? The fixed gear bike was so fun! Now I have a frame that I need to build up, but no time. Why do I have no time!? I have ( Read more... )

Why do I write? What is writing? What do I want out of it? I just want to make sense out of things. Writing on the computer is different than writing in my journal. Who am I talking to? Who is writing this? Who am I? How will anyone write my biography if I don't even know who I am? I don't know who I am. I just know what to do.

Drinking. I am one ( Read more... )

I went out to Night Shift brewery last night. I went out with Katherine's friends and my friends. I am almost one year sober. Drinking was my life for so long. I looked forward to it.

No what. Now I am sober all the time. I watch people turn into fools. I watch them suffer.

I suffer too but in ways that are much more obvious to me. Not that I don't ( Read more... )

My friend was way ahead. I had lost sight of him on the trail. Anxiety crept in. Will I know which turn to take when I get to the next intersection? This was common on rides. He was always faster than me. I wanted to be as fast as him. I wanted to be able to keep up, to be included. I was too unsure of myself, when I caught up winded, to ask for ( Read more... )

I. Me. Who? Why!? So, today, I am feeling that I am not as solid as I imagined I was. I feel like a fluid. I can sense my thoughts as if they are not me. They are not a part of me. I am not even sure that I am generating them. But they are with me for better or worse. So what the fuck right? I have been so concerned with chasing my thoughts. My ( Read more... )