Fic: Bumfuck, Nowhere. SPN. RPS. Jensen/Jared, Dean/Sam. NC-17 3/5

[felisblanco]

Continued from here.

It felt strange sliding into the passenger seat instead of behind the wheel, but when he looked over at Jared, happily inspecting the interior, running his big palms over the soft leather of the seats, the wide circle of the wheel, something clicked into place. This was right. The Impala was his car, but if anyone was to drive her, beside him, it should be Jared.

Suddenly an image of Sam driving the car flashed in his mind, and his smile faded. Of course. The car was their home, she belonged to Sam as much as Dean. Of course Sam sometimes drove her. That’s all it was.

The engine rumbled to life as Jensen slid his sunglasses onto his nose, and Jared whooped, laughing as he shot Jensen a delighted glance before backing out of the parking lot and hitting the gas, shooting them into the street with a spit of gravel. Maybe Jensen should reconsider his view of Jared not being a car guy. Maybe he’d just never had the opportunity to drive anything better than that beat-up truck. Country vet wasn’t likely to pay much.

“If this is how you treat gentlemen,” Jensen said with a small grin, “I’d hate to see how you treat a common fella.”

Jared instantly slowed down. “Sorry! Sorry, it’s just… Man, I love your car!” He ran his palms over the wheel again, as gently as a lover. “I don’t know how to explain it but… the minute I sat down it felt like I was coming home.” He visibly cringed. “God, that sounds corny.”

“No.” Jensen shook his head, it made everything blurry for a moment. “That’s just how I felt, first time I sat behind that wheel.”

“Maybe she’s just that kind of car, you know. Like a family car. Was she your dad’s?”

“My uncle’s. Another thing he left me.” His head was getting heavier and heavier. “Still don’t know why. Didn’t even think he liked me that much.”

Maybe the car was cursed. Maybe that was why he kept having these damn dreams. Baby purred reassuringly underneath him, and Jensen decided no, she would never do that to him.

He turned slightly, resting his shoulder and the back of his head against the side so he could more easily watch Jared from behind the shelter of his dark glasses. Jared had rolled down the window and stuck his elbow out. The breeze blew through his hair. His eyes positively sparkled. He looked magnificent. Jensen couldn’t take his eyes off him, despite his eyelids feeling so very heavy.

Jesus, was he really going there? After knowing the guy for two days? But there was just something so familiar about him. Like they’d known each other forever. Like… they had grown up together.

Oh.

Jensen closed his eyes. Of course. He was feeling Dean’s feelings for Sam again. That was all. He didn’t know why that felt so disappointing. He should be relieved. He was in no condition to start anything of that nature. If Jared even were interested, which Jensen doubted. Jared was like a force of nature while Jensen… Well, what little he had to offer was wasting away, more and more each day.

“We’ve got a bit of a drive ahead of us,” Jared said. His voice sounded very far away. “Thirty minutes or so. If you wanna try and take a nap.”

Jensen’s eyes snapped open. “No! No, I’m good. I’m good.” He pulled in a deep breath, running the back of his hand over his mouth. “C’mon, talk to me.”

Jared shot him a worried glance. “Jensen, I understand your apprehension; I wouldn’t wish your nightmares on my worst enemy. But you need to sleep. You are beyond exhausted. Honestly, I’m surprised you’re still lucid.”

Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was imagining all of this. Jensen rubbed his eyes under the glasses then fixed his gaze on Jared again. Or maybe Jared was Sam. That would explain so much, if this was all in his head. Maybe he did crash the car and was right now in a coma, dreaming. Maybe he was already dead.

“Jensen?” Jared kept glancing at him, like he was contemplating pulling over.

“I’m okay. I’m okay,” Jensen repeated more firmly when Jared looked conflicted. “Talk to me. Tell me something. Anything. You said you moved here two years ago. From where?”

Jared stared at the road ahead for a long time, fingers drumming the wheel. “San Antonio,” he finally said.

Jensen grinned. “Knew you were a Texan. Takes one to know one,” he explained when Jared glanced at him. “Dallas.”

“Thought I heard a bit of a twang,” Jared chuckled. “Not strong though. What happened? The Big Apple file your edges off?”

“Hollywood,” Jensen said, blushing when Jared whistled. “Don’t get too excited. Dipped my toes in, that’s all. No bites.” He didn’t mention the ones he turned down. The ones that came with conditions he wasn’t ready to bow to, that required skills he had no interests in showing on screen.

“Huh.” Jared glanced at him.

“What?”

“Just…” Jared shrugged. “I’d think you’d be a shoo-in. With your looks.”

Jensen tipped the sunglasses up on his head, frowning. “What?”

“Oh, sorry. Thought you knew.” Jared shot him a grin. “They have mirrors in New York, right?”

“Funny.” Jensen caught a glimpse of himself in the side mirror. Pale. Gaunt. Bruised, haunted eyes. “I know I look like shit.”

Jared frowned. “What? No. Dude, you’re like insanely handsome.”

Jensen looked down. “Right.” Maybe once. These days… He pulled the sunglasses back down and cleared his throat. “So, San Antonio?” He could feel Jared shooting him glances between watching the road, but he kept his own eyes on his hands, clutched tight in his lap.

“Yeah,” Jared finally said. “Not much to tell. Grew up, got bored, moved away. Always loved animals so I decided to become a vet. And here I am.”

“Right. Here. In Bumfuck, Nowhere.” Jensen snorted. “How the hell did you end up here?”

“Old vet retired, and one of my teachers recommended me. I was…”

Jensen looked up at the sudden silence. Jared was staring ahead, face blank. “What?”

The question seemed to pull Jared back from wherever he’d disappeared to. “I needed the peace and quiet,” he said and shot Jensen a smile. It was only a shadow of his usual one.

Jensen sat up, reaching out to put a hand on Jared’s arm before he knew what he was doing. “Why? What happened?”

“Oh, you know,” Jared said lightly. “Overstudied, had a mental breakdown, was put on suicide watch. The usual.”

Jensen’s jaw dropped. “Shit.”

“Yeah. So, you know, if you need someone to talk to about not feeling so great?” The smile was a lot more genuine this time. “I’m right here.”

“Yeah.” Jensen pulled back. “Thanks. And thank you for telling me.”

Jared’s cheeks turned pink. “I figured if you’re trusting me with your car…”

“And my life,” Jensen reminded him with a small smile. “And my papers.”

“Right.” Jared shot him a grin. “Well, since you’re doing all that, least I can do is tell you my sob story.”

Jensen gave him a brief smile. There was a lot more behind the Cliff notes he’d just been given, he could tell, but he wasn’t going to pry. They barely knew each other. If he wanted to know more, he’d have to earn it. Nothing in life was free, not even friendship. He’d learned that a long time ago. He just wished he could figure out what Jared wanted from him. There had to be something. Maybe he needed money. Jensen guessed he could sell a couple of the houses if that was the case. Not like he needed all those properties. Truth was, it made him uncomfortable, being responsible for that many people’s homes.

Or maybe Jared was looking for the kind of friend that came with benefits. Not like there could be many opportunities for hooking up, out here in the boonies.

Jensen shifted in his seat, acknowledging the pool of heat in his stomach, the light quickening of his pulse. Jared was nice, and kind and good looking. Really hot, actually. Fucking built. Jensen had never really been into muscles, but there was a difference between guys hamming it up at the gym, and someone developing muscles, because he actually used them. So yeah, Jensen wouldn’t mind getting to know Jared better. Even if it would only be casual, did it really matter? Especially if he was dying. Which everything pointed to, unless something drastically changed. He could feel it. He was losing the battle. Living two lives - three, if he counted Hell - with no rest in between was draining him. Soon there would be nothing left. He wondered what would happen when it did, in which world he’d end his days. At least here the afterlife was still a mystery. Over there he knew too well where he was going.

Jensen hung back leaning on the car as Jared greeted the farmer that hurried over, soon as they came to a stop by the stables. The air smelled obscenely fresh despite the whiff of horse drifting their way. The sky was terrifyingly big and blue. He could see for miles and miles in every direction, over fields and pastures. The world seemed endless and he was so very small. Jensen dropped his gaze to the ground, blinking until the feeling of vertigo faded away. When he looked up again, Jared was watching him, while nodding along to what the farmer was saying. Jensen looked away.

The farmer gave Jensen a distracted nod before pulling Jared along the stables towards the mare that, from what Jensen could understand, wasn’t as perky as they’d
hoped she’d be. Jared glanced back at Jensen, clearly uneasy about leaving him. Jensen pushed off the car and followed though he soon straggled behind, feet dragging through the stray straw. He was passing a stall when a horse stuck its head out, big teeth snapping at his sleeve. Jensen stopped, frowned, said, “Hey, no!” and Jared abruptly turned his head, worried look slipping into a smile when he saw there was no real danger.

“Looks like you made a friend,” he called over his shoulder before leaving Jensen to it.

“Friends don’t bite each other,” Jensen yelled after him. He heard Jared laugh, and then he swore he heard him mutter, “That’s what you think.”

“Did he really say that?” Jensen asked the horse. The only answer he got was a snort and fleshy lips, nipping at his jacket. “Dude, I said no. Hey.”

Weariness suddenly washed over him and he leaned against the stall door. The horse put its big head over his shoulder, one large ear swatting at his hair, and he buried his face in the horse’s mane. Minutes ticked by. The world got quiet. The longer Jensen stood there, eyes closed, breathing in the warm spicy smell of horse sweat, the calmer he felt. He thought to himself, if he fell asleep now, it might be okay. He might even… just sleep. Maybe there was something to this animal therapy after all.

“Good boy,” he murmured. “Good boy.”

“That one’s actually a girl,” a voice said. Jared.

Jensen smiled into the horse’s neck. “Yeah? Maybe he prefers boy.”

Large hands landed gently on his hips. “I know I do.”

Jensen drew in a slow breath. Oh. So they were.

“Is this okay?” Jared asked softly. “It’s just you look like you’re about to drop.”

Oh. Jensen sighed.

“And I’ve kinda been wanting to,” Jared added.

Jensen sucked in his breath again. “Oh,” he said. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

Jensen nodded. He smiled, rubbing his nose into the mare’s neck. She snorted loudly.

“I think she likes you,” Jared said. “For the record, I can relate.”

Jensen breathed in. “Yeah? I-”

“You boys wanna go for a ride?”

Jensen pulled away from the mare as Jared’s hands slid off his hips. For some reason he felt like giggling - he was blaming the exhaustion - but tried his best to keep a straight face as he turned around, consequently almost toppling over. Jared caught him, arm around his shoulder, holding him up.

“Maybe some other time, Greg,” Jared said, pulling Jensen tighter. “This one’s been feeling a bit under the weather.”

Greg looked Jensen over but there was no judgement in his eyes, just puzzled concern. “True, he don’t look so good. Don’t worry, son, country air’s gonna make you right as rain, just give it time.”

“I’m sure it will,” Jensen said, smiling politely, wondering if he really had “city boy” written all over him.

The small shot of adrenaline or dopamine or whatever it was that for a moment had made him feel almost normal, started to leave his body, making it even heavier than before. “You done?” he asked Jared.

“Yeah. She’s got a couple of weeks yet.” Jared reached down for his bag and started walking back to the car, carrying rather than pulling Jensen along. “I’m gonna run some blood tests when we get back, make sure everything’s as it should be. Carrying twins ain’t easy.”

“Twins,” Jensen murmured into Jared’s chest. “That’s unusual, right?”

“Sure is, which is why we’re keeping an extra close eye on her.” Jared lowered Jensen into the car, big hand shielding his head from bumping into the door. “How are you holding up?”

“Good. Good.” Jensen leaned back, closing his eyes. “Just peachy.”

“Liar.” Jared closed the door. Jensen could hear him exchange some parting words with Greg before coming around, throwing the bag into the back seat before slipping in behind the wheel. “You want me to take you home?”

“Don’t you still have a dog to look at?” Jensen murmured.

“He can wait another day.” Jared lay a large, warm hand on Jensen’s knee. “We can make another trip out of it.”

“Okay.” Jensen sighed, slumping further into the seat. “I’d like that.”

The car rumbled to life. The vibration got under his skin, into his bones, his veins. His heart…

“Dean, c’mon! What the hell is up with you?”

‘I think I’m dying,’ Jensen thought but Dean said, “I’m coming, I’m coming. Wait up.”

It was cold and dark and every muscle, every bone, every nerve in his body hurt as he stumbled out of the Impala, boots sliding in wet mud, rain pouring down like God hadn’t invented rainbows yet. Sam was checking his gun before jamming it down the back of his pants then grabbed his favorite knife, sliding it into its holster.

“One day you’re gonna shoot your ass off,” Dean said just as Jensen was thinking it, before thinking it wouldn’t matter, they’d be dead soon anyway.

“Least I got one,” Sam shot back, grinning. He looked beautiful, wet hair hanging in tangles around his face.

Oh, his face!

Jensen stared. It really was Jared. Or Jared was Sam. Or Jensen was projecting. He didn’t really care, he was just so relieved not to be in this alone for once. Until he remembered it meant he was going to have to watch Jared die alongside Sam.

“Hey! Chicks write odes about my ass, I’ll let you know,” Dean grumbled, seeming oblivious to Jensen’s turmoil.

“Yeah? How’s it go?” Sam flipped up his collar with an annoyed glance at the black, stormy sky trying their best to drown them. “Roses are red, violets are blue, your ass is as flat as a worn-out shoe?”

“Fuck you! You wish you had an ass like mine!”

‘I wish you wish you had my ass,’ Jensen could hear Dean think and then felt his cheeks heat up, like Dean hadn’t meant to go there. “Are we doing this or what?” Dean growled, slamming the trunk shut.

“Are you… upset?” Sam said, sounding incredulous. It was hard to make out his expression in the rain; the full moon had disappeared behind a thick cloud, throwing the night pitch dark. “Dean…”

“Fuck off. A man turns forty…” Dean muttered, stomping through the mud.

“Whoa, whoa! Seriously?” Sam ran, or rather took a few extra steps, the fucking giraffe, to catch up with him. “Dean, I saw like three girls, and at least one guy checking you out last bar we went to. You’ve still got it. Just might have to up your age range, from college girls to lonely housewives.”

“Ha, ha.” But Jensen could practically feel Dean’s ego bouncing back. “Three girls?”

“And a guy. There’s always at least one guy. Maybe you should try that for once,” Sam joked.

“Maybe I already have,” Dean shot back. Jensen smirked when Sam looked gobsmacked. “C’mon, Sammy, pick up some speed. I ain’t drowning in this mud bath.”

“You were kidding, right?” Sam said after a while of them squelching their way through the mud. “About… the guy?”

Dean shot him a glance. Jensen was glad for his sake that it was so dark because his cheeks were flaming hot. “Look at college boy, all flustered. You telling me you never did any experimenting?”

Sam didn’t answer, just stomped past him, shoulders hitched up to his ears. Or maybe that was just the rain. Dean never got the chance to ask him. Next time he looked up he got an armful of werewolf and then-

“Don’t worry, Winchester. I like my meat with some years under its skin. Makes it so much tastier, carrying all that sin in your blood.”

The demon licked up Dean’s chest, boring its forked tongue into the slashes carved across his neck. It chuckled when he gasped in pain.

“By the way,” it added as it rammed its claws into Dean’s stomach and shoved its hand up inside his chest, hard enough that he was heaved off his feet. Dean’s mouth gaped on a soundless cry as Jensen screamed in terror. “Daddy says hi, and to thank you for keeping Sam so well-fed and juicy. He’ll be feasting on that sweet boy for decades.”

Jensen kept screaming as Dean was thrown face down on the blood-flooded floor, knees slipping in his own entrails. He screamed as Dean tried to get away from the hoard of demons descending upon him. He screamed as they ripped into him, teeth, claws and-

“Hey, hey! Jensen! Wake up! Jensen!”

Jensen gasped. Sunlight pierced his eyes. His face was wet with tears. His throat hurt and he choked on its dryness, coughing until he doubled over, vomiting on the ground. That’s when he realized he was out of the car, half lying, half crouching on the side of the road, with Jared holding him up as he retched what little he had managed to eat.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Jared kept repeating, one hand supporting Jensen’s forehead as his other arm stayed wrapped around his chest. “Sshh.”

Jensen’s body shook with exhaustion and pain and horror as he gasped for air, pulling it into lungs that he’d felt demons rip out of his chest, moments earlier.

“Jesus. I knew they were bad but…” Jared hitched his breath, like he was the one crying and not Jensen, whose tears were dripping off the tip off his nose and mixing in with the stinking puddle staining the dry road. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

Jensen slumped forward, dribbling saliva, and snot and tears. He wanted to say it wasn’t usually this bad, but he’d be lying. It was always this bad, his body was just becoming weaker and worse at handling it.

“You done?”

It took Jensen a moment to realize Jared meant vomiting. He nodded. Even if he still felt like throwing up there was nothing left for him to puke. “I’m sorry,” he rasped, wiping his face on his sleeve. “Shit.”

“Don’t apologize.” Jared pulled him back from the stinky puddle and into his lap. “Slow breaths.” He took one of Jensen’s hands, prying the tight fist loose before doing the same to the other, then held Jensen’s hands in his own, warm palms easing the ache from his cramped fingers. “Let me take care of you.”

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” Jensen choked out. God, he was so tired. And done. He was so done. He couldn’t take this anymore. If his heart decided to give out right now, he wouldn’t even fight it.

“Didn’t look much like sleep,” Jared said softly. He was looking down at him, brows drawn together. “Your eyes were open, like you were seeing something, and then you just… started screaming. It was like you weren’t here.”

“I wasn’t. Was back there. With Sam. And then… Hell.” He swallowed. “They were eating me alive. And...” He shook his head. He couldn’t say it. He could still feel that distinct pain, all the way up to his stomach.

“Fuck,” Jared whispered. “Jen, we need to do something before this kills you.”

“I think, I think maybe that’s what they want me to do. Die. So, so they can…” The words were choking him. “So they can have me.”

Jared pulled him tighter, rocking him gently. “I’m not gonna let that happen. I promise you, I will not let that happen.”

Jared sounded so sure, so determined, and Jensen closed his eyes, because he knew it was hopeless, knew he was just setting Jared up for heartache, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was losing the fight, if it had ever even been a fight to begin with. Maybe he was always just meant to be a witness. And then a victim. He sure hoped he hadn’t been meant to be the hero, because, if so, he’d failed, himself, and Sam, and Dean and now Jared. He had failed everyone because he wasn’t strong. He wasn’t like Dean with his years of experience to rely on, and his heart pumping with bravery. He was just some guy who no one ever saw any potential in, and who never stood a chance against powers that were so much greater than himself.

“Come on, Jen. Let’s get you home,” Jared said gently, standing up with Jensen’s back pressed up against his chest, arms wrapped around him, holding Jensen up as he led him back to the car, swerving around the puddle of vomit to get him into the passenger seat. He didn’t strap Jensen in, just came around to the other side, sliding behind the wheel before reaching for Jensen’s neck, pulling him in until his head landed in Jared’s lap.

“Rest. I’ll keep you awake,” Jared said, large warm hand cupping his jaw. “Trust me.”

Jensen closed his eyes, concentrating on Jared’s fingers nipping at his earlobe, stroking the curve of his ear, along the line of his jaw, up to circle the ring of his eye socket, down the slope of his nose, on and on, as the car rumbled beneath him, vibrations travelling through Jared’s thigh into Jensen’s cheek, his teeth, the dry pillow of his tongue. At some point Jared’s fingertips started sliding easily over wet skin but he said nothing, and Jensen said nothing while Jared’s jeans slowly got soaked wet where Jensen’s left eye rested upon the denim.

It was late afternoon by the time they got back. The sky was already darkening, and the low sun painted the interior of the Impala golden. Jensen felt strangely calm as he sat up, and slightly dizzy from lying down for so long while in motion. He rubbed a hand over his face, loosening the skin that had gone tight. He was careful not to look at Jared. He wondered where his sunglasses had gotten to.

“Thanks,” he said and hoped Jared realized what he was thanking him for, because he was too tired to put it in words. For letting me come with you, for the horse, for being here, for taking care of me. For caring.

“I’ll walk you home,” Jared said, and Jensen nodded. There was no use pretending anymore that he could do things on his own. He was far beyond it at this point.

The house seemed eerily silent. He hadn’t realized it until now, but he’d never actually lived completely alone before. There had always been others; family, roommates, neighbors one thin wall over that made an enormous amount of noise. Now he had this whole building all to himself. Not that it was a big building, but still. It was just him. Chances were he would die alone in the pink bed and no one would know, until Jared came to check on him.

The thought made him stagger. No matter how many times he told himself he had come to terms with it, it didn’t change the fact that he was terrified of dying. God, he was so scared!

“What is it?” Jared asked, turning Jensen towards him. He was so tall and wide, it was like staring at a plaid brick wall. “Jensen?”

“Nothing,” he lied, looking away. “Just tired. Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.” Jared led him into the kitchen, depositing him on one of the chairs. “Wait here; I’m gonna get us something to eat.”

“Coffee,” Jensen pleaded. Jared looked at him, but then he nodded, smiling sadly before hurrying out, the door closing quietly behind him.

The silence was smothering.

Jensen put his head in his hands, breathing slowly. It was getting harder and harder to keep awake. Without Jared there was nothing for him to concentrate on, except just how exhausted he was. His head ached, his eyes burned, his chest felt too heavy to breathe. His whole body felt heavy actually. Arms, legs, even his stomach felt so heavy that if he fell off the chair, he might break the floorboards. His arms were beginning to shake from the effort of holding up his head but if he laid it down on the table he would be gone within seconds, he could feel it.

“Dean?”

His head jerked up in panic. No! He was still awake! He was not there!

He wasn’t there. He was still in the pink kitchen. Sam was sitting in the chair across the table, staring at him. Jensen could tell it was Sam and not Jared because there was matted blood in his hair, streaking down his face, staining the front of his shirt.

“No! You’re not here!” Jensen shoved back, scrambling to his feet. “No! I’m not asleep!”

“Dean? What are you talking about?” Sam stood up and rounded the table. His face was one of concern, mixed with frustration. “Are you drunk?”

“Go away! Please!”

He had to be hallucinating. He’d managed to ignore the dark shadows and strange smells and ominous sounds, because he knew they weren’t real, and he’d been expecting something like that to happen. But this Sam looked so real. And if he was real, it meant Jensen was back in their world, pink kitchen or not. And if he was back, he was going to have to watch Sam die. Again. And die himself. Again. And then…

“I can’t do it. Not again. Please.”

Sam stepped closer. He was missing a chunk of his ear. “Dean, you’re freaking me out. It’s me! Whatever you think you’re seeing, it’s not real. It’s me, Sam!”

Jensen’s back slammed into the wall, and his knees gave out, making him slide down so fast his ass hit the ground with a jolt of pain.

Sam disappeared.

Jensen was still staring at the place where he’d been when the front door opened, and Jared came in, carrying a Tupperware container and two take-away cups of coffee. He came to an abrupt halt noticing the empty chair, but then his gaze found Jensen on the floor and his eyes widened in alarm. He quickly put what he’d been carrying on the table and crouched before Jensen, big warm hands landing on his shaking knees.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. What happened?”

“He was here,” Jensen croaked out. “He looked so real. I thought…”

Jared breathed out. He looked relieved, as if he’d been imagining something much worse. “You’re hallucinating,” he said gently. “It’s okay. It can happen when you stop sleeping.” He cupped Jensen’s cheek. “Jensen, hey, it’s okay. It wasn’t real.”

“That’s what he said,” Jensen argued. “He said what I was seeing wasn’t real. That this wasn’t real.”

“Who? Dean? Sam?” At Jensen’s nod Jared reached out, taking his face in his big warm hands. “Sam is not here. I am. Okay? I am real. This is real. I can prove it to you.”

“How?” Jensen rasped, even if he was pretty sure Jared was telling the truth. It was just… Sam had seemed so real.

“Jensen, listen to me,” Jared said firmly. “There can only be one of us in each place. Right? And I’m the one actually here. I am not Sam. I swear to you. I am not Sam. But I am here. Feel my hands on your face. Can you feel them?”

Jensen nodded. “You’re not Sam,” he repeated. His voice sounded like wet gravel, felt like it in his throat. “I know. I know. I know.” He repeated it to convince himself as much as Jared. “I’m okay. I’m okay.”

Jared gazed into his eyes as if he was trying to see what lay behind the madness. “You sure?”

Jensen huffed a laugh, “No, Jared, I’m fucked up as Hell but… Let’s pretend, okay?”

That brought out a small smile, if a rather sad one. Jared ran his hands through Jensen’s hair, to the back of his neck. “Okay. You’re okay.”

Jensen laughed again. It sounded broken and half-hysterical.

Jared sat back, fingers sliding down to Jensen’s arm, as if reluctant to let him go. “You want some coffee?”

“God, yes.”

Jared stood up and pulled him to his feet then half carried him back to the chair. Jensen grabbed the coffee Jared handed him, taking a big gulp, mindless of the heat burning his tongue. The burn was good, it meant he was still alive. The coffee was good, too. Strong, hot, smelled like heaven.

Jared was looking through the cupboards and drawers, finding two bowls with pink flowers and spoons that were just ordinary, thank God. “Daisy sent you some chicken soup.”

Jensen smiled tiredly. “Yeah? How is she?”

“Good. She’s worried about you.”

Jared put a steaming bowl in front of him. It smelled delicious. Jensen picked up his spoon. His hand shook. His stomach did a little lurch. He put the spoon down again and concentrated on his coffee.

“By now like 80% of your blood stream is probably coffee,” Jared pointed out as he sat down across from him, hands wrapped around his own mug.

“Probably.” Jensen sighed when he felt Jared’s concerned gaze. “I’m gonna eat. In a minute.”

“Okay.” Jared sipped his coffee, watching him. “Hallucinations are not a good sign,” he said.

“I know.”

“First one or…?”

“No. There’s been… things. But this is the first, like person I see.” Jensen finished the last drop of his coffee. He wished there was more. “Think we can get a coffee maker in here? Or just… something.”

Jared stood up. “Actually, there probably is one around here somewhere. Esther liked putting things under…” Jared lifted a pink quilted cover, revealing a pink coffee maker. “Bingo!”

Jensen smiled. “Oh, thank God, you’re a life saver! Buy me some ground beans and I’ll be forever in your debt.” Which reminded him. “I owe you. And Daisy.” He was running out of cash though. “Don’t suppose there’s an ATM around these parts.”

“We can swing by one in the city tomorrow. When I take you in for a check-up.”

Jensen rubbed his hand over his face. “Jared… I’ve told you, they can’t do anything.”

“I know you said that. But I still like you to get checked over. Just so we know where we’re at.”

Jensen sighed. “You can’t be driving me around all the time. You have your work.”

“I need to make a supply run anyway this week. And I have an assistant. Well, Julia, a kid who looks after the place when I’m not there. She wants to be a vet, it’s good practice for her. If there’s an emergency, there’s another, bigger - actually a lot nicer - clinic next town over. There’s a reason why mine is so quiet,” Jared said wryly. He waved away Jensen’s concerned look. “It’s fine, I prefer it quiet. Vets tend to burn out like matches. This is better. Oh, and we can look in on Miracle on the way back.”

Jensen frowned. “Miracle?” Why did that sound so familiar?

“The dog, remember?” Jared sat back down. “Give me your hands.”

Jensen obeyed without thinking, letting Jared take them in his own big, warm, strong hands.

“What are you…?”

“Sshh. Just let me.” Jared enveloped Jensen’s hands in his own, holding them tight. “You’re too cold, and your hands are still shaking. Unless you want me to feed you that soup, we gotta fix that.”

“I should just get a straw,” Jensen muttered. His stomach was a hot puddle, but he wasn’t sure if it was from the humiliation or something else.

“Could prove a bit hard with the chunks and all,” Jared said, a smile in his voice.

Jensen muttered, “Haha.” He could feel the tremors slowly decreasing, his breathing getting easier as the weight lifted gradually off his chest. He glanced up at Jared and was met with soft eyes watching him. “Thank you.”

“All part of the job.”

“Your job as a vet,” Jensen said.

“My job as a friend,” Jared corrected. He squeezed Jensen’s hands, holding his gaze. “And whatever else this might be.”

Jensen opened his mouth. He closed it again. “I’m probably insane,” he finally said. His voice trembled.

Jared shook his head. “You’re not insane. You’re dealing with something really horrible.”

“And failing miserably,” Jensen pointed out, needlessly, he thought.

“And still standing. More or less.” Jared squeezed Jensen’s hands again then let them go. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. I’m just putting it out there. No pressure, I’m not going anywhere, whatever you decide.”

Jensen didn’t say, ‘But I am. I might be dead this time tomorrow,’ but he thought it. For the first time he felt resentment. None of this was fair. This horror show being forced upon him, driving him slowly to his death, it wasn’t right. He didn’t deserve this, he’d done nothing to deserve this. “I don’t need a pity fuck,” is what he said however, because he was, above all, incredibly stupid.

Jared, to his credit, didn’t stand up and walk out. But the lines around his mouth tightened. “I’m not in the habit of giving them out,” he said.

“Sorry. I just…” Jensen looked away. Stared at the bowl of soup that was slowly cooling. “I don’t get why.”

“Well, you’re kinda cute,” Jared said. The smile was back in his voice. “And I already saw your dick so I know what I’m getting.”

Jensen snorted a surprised laugh. When he looked up Jared was grinning, a suggestive glint in his eye.

“I would like to state I’m a grower,” Jensen said. “For the record.” And he’d been really, really tired at the time. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure he had enough blood flow for an erection in the state he was in.

“Well, now I’m even more excited,” Jared said with a smile. He pushed the bowl closer to Jensen. “Eat.”

“Bossy,” Jensen muttered.

“Oh, you have no idea.”

Jensen blushed as a small shiver ran down his spine. When he picked up his spoon his hand was almost steady.

“I was wondering,” Jared said as he washed his emptied bowl in the sink while giving Jensen’s still mostly full one the side-eye. “You wanna come over to my place? We can watch a movie or something.”

Jensen had just been sitting there, dreading the moment Jared announced he was going to leave. The relief he felt was embarrassing. He hid it with a casual shrug. “Sure. If you’re not sick of me yet.” He averted his eyes when Jared just looked at him. “Hope your couch is comfy. The pink monstrosity in my living room looks like a torture device.”

“I’ve got a great couch.” Jared dried the bowl and put it back in the cupboard. “Good enough to sleep on.”

“Hopefully not,” Jensen muttered to himself. He wasn’t stupid, he knew he was going to pass out sooner than later, but having company might help him stay awake a little longer. The small amount of soup he’d managed to eat was settling heavy in his stomach but so far it wasn’t upsetting it. Maybe he would manage to keep it down.

The town really did feel like a ghost town as they made their way across the street. Most of the houses were dark, despite it still being early evening, and there was no one outside, not even walking their dog. “Must feel weird,” Jensen said, leaning heavily on Jared’s arm, “living in a town this small after growing up in a city.”

“Sometimes,” Jared admitted. “It’s very quiet.”

“Lonely?” When Jared glanced at him, Jensen added, “Kinda doubt you get many hits on Grindr in this area.”

Jared chuckled. “You’d be surprised. I could easily get laid if I lowered my standards.”

The sting of jealousy was unexpected. Calm down, Ackles. You hardly even know the man. “Two legs and opposable thumbs?”

“Who needs opposable thumbs?” Jared pushed open the door on the side of the building, leading to a staircase entrance. “The stairs are a bit steep.”

“I’m good. I’m good!” he insisted when Jared offered his hand, and started the slow ascend on his own. He hung on to the banister, heaving himself up one step at a time, Jared hovering one step behind him, like a safety net, ready to catch him. Halfway up he had to admit defeat, head hanging down between his shoulders as he fought the dizziness, chest hurting from breathing too hard. “Fuck.”

“C’mon, just a few more steps,” Jared said quietly. He moved up until they were side by side on the narrow stairwell, ducking under Jensen’s arm before putting his arm around Jensen’s waist. Together they made their way up the last, not that few, steps.

It was dark in the apartment. Jensen was grateful Jared didn’t turn on the overhead light but instead led Jensen by memory into the living room and lowered him onto the couch before turning on a couple of soft lighted lamps. Jensen looked around. The interior was simple and rather old-fashioned but comfortable. The apartment clearly came with the practice as it bore evidence of former, much older, inhabitants. As if Jared still hadn’t quite managed to make it his own. Jensen was happy to see the interior wasn’t all blue but a mix of light wood and white as well. He’d been starting to think he was living in a color coordinated LEGO town.

“You want something? Popcorn?”

Jensen shook his head with a grimace. “Worst thing to throw up,” he explained. “But you go ahead.”

Jared’s face turned soft and a little sad, but he hid it quickly. “I’m good.” He sat down and reached for the remote. “Any preference?”

“Just not horror movies.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.”

Jared flipped the channels until they landed on old Star Trek reruns. The original one with horrible fight choreography and cheesy plots and wonderful retro colors. Jared put his feet up on the low table so Jensen followed suit. First time he started to doze off Jared grabbed his hand, shaking him. Then he just kept their hands clasped, giving Jensen a little shake every time his chin dropped on his chest. Jensen knew he should go, should get home and let Jared get some sleep of his own. It was getting late and there was no use in both of them being sleep deprived. And he wasn’t about to fall asleep here, screaming Jared awake sometime in the middle of the night. So he would go. In just a minute...

“Don’t leave me.” Sam was crying. “I can’t do this alone.”

Dean gazed at him through blurry eyes. Everything was going hazy. There was a sharp pain in the middle of his spine. The lower part of his body was completely numb. Life was draining out of him, fast and steady.

Jensen panicked. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. There’d always been some prelude, some time to prepare himself for the pain and the sorrow and the terrible, terrible fear. Except…

Dean wasn’t afraid. He was grief struck and filled with regret for all the things he hadn’t said, hadn’t done, all the time they were supposed to have together, him and Sam. But he was calm. He was resigned. He was gazing at Sam and Jensen could feel the love in his eyes, could feel it with every word he stuttered out between labored breaths, in the way he was taking in Sam’s face, every line, every stray grey hair, every feature that was as familiar to him as his own in the mirror, committing it all to memory.

“I’ll be there every step of the way,” Dean was saying, breathing the words with what little he had left in his lungs. “I love you so much, baby brother.”

Jensen stilled. So, it was true. They were. But there was no denying what Dean was saying, what he meant. Eyes darting to Sam’s lips for a second, the yearning so strong he was weeping with it, but he wouldn’t, no, he wouldn’t leave Sam with that burden. Not now. Not when there was nothing left to do but say goodbye.

The pain was fading. Everything was fading, including Sam as Dean’s eyesight faltered. But he didn’t need to see him, he could feel him, in the big warm hand covering his own, the broad forehead touching his, Sam’s warm shallow breaths blowing over his face. He could feel Sam’s love for him, like a warm blanket covering the two of them, shutting the world out until there was only the bubble of air between them, their noses almost touching, their lips inches apart.

Dean smiled. He’d said his piece, done almost all he’d wanted to do, save one, which he would keep to himself. He was as close as he could get to feeling happy, and wherever he was going he was taking that feeling with him. He was taking Sam’s love with him. Everything was going to be alright.

“Goodbye, Sam. Goodbye.”

Dean’s last breath left his body, and as his head fell forward Jensen braced himself for what he knew would come next. The pain, the fire, the horror of knowing he would never see Sam ever again. There was a brief moment of darkness and then…

He was standing on a country road, looking at a mountain landscape. The air was crisp and clear and smelled almost sweet. He was…

Oh.

Jensen woke up with a gasp.

Heaven! Heaven!

That revelation was a hundred times more shocking than the other. But… Then why? Why??

He broke. Heaving sobs shook his body. He felt angry, furious, but most of all he felt lost. If ending up in Heaven was an option, why was he being tortured with all the other deaths? With Hell? Why were they doing this to him? What had he done to deserve all of that?

“Hey, hey, you’re okay.” Jared was crouching in front of him, gripping his arms. “You’re okay! Jensen, I’m so sorry, I didn’t notice. You were so quiet. I’m so sorry. Jensen?”

Jensen shook his head. How was he supposed to explain that he was being slowly killed with the most horrible versions of torture for…. what? Fun? Why??

“Jensen, talk to me. What happened?”

He blinked his eyes open, tears dripping off his eyelashes, running down his nose, his cheeks. “I saw Heaven! I mean, Dean. Dean went to Heaven! He’s supposed to go to Heaven!” He didn’t know how he knew, he just knew. This was the way it was supposed to end. “I don’t understand, then why do I keep… Why do they keep torturing me??”

“I don’t know.” Jared stood up and sat beside him on the couch, pulling him into his arms. Jensen’s whole body was trembling. He was going to be sick and throw up Daisy’s wonderful soup. “We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

The other disclosure struck him, strangling his heart like a snake. “Dean said…” Jensen hitched his breath. He couldn’t repeat it, it was too raw. “They are brothers. Why am I dreaming…?” He looked up at Jared. “I never touched my siblings! No matter what they say, that’s not what I am!”

“Hey, no! No one is saying that!” Jared said quickly. He looked stunned.

The low chortle hurt Jensen’s throat. “Oh, they did. They said that and so much worse.” He rubbed the last traces of tears off his face. Fuck, he was so goddamn tired. “Why do you think we don’t talk anymore?”

Jared’s thumb stroked Jensen behind the ear, like a kitten. “Your family? When you came out?” he guessed, voice low.

Jensen nodded. “According to them, I’m the one headed for Hell.”

“Well, we both know that’s not true,” Jared said firmly. He looked sad but more than that he looked angry. “And seriously, fuck them for saying that to you. I hope you told them where they could stick it.”

Jensen forced on a smile. “You think me more of a man than I am. No, I just left, first chance I got.” He sighed. Rubbed at his eyes with his fingers. “I know what you’re gonna say. That’s why I’m having these dreams. Because they stuck in my head, those accusations, and now I’m imagining what it’d be like, if they were true.”

“I wasn’t gonna say that.” But Jared looked slightly awkward, like he’d been thinking it.

“They’re not just dreams. They’re…” Air whistled through Jensen’s nostrils as he drew in one breath after another. “I don’t know what they are but they’re more.”

“Okay.”

Jensen swallowed. “Guess falling in love with your brother really does get you sent to Hell.” He pressed the back of his hand against his lips. That still didn’t explain why Sam got thrown in the cage. Unless... No. Sam wasn’t like that. That was all Dean. Had to be. But then why…

Jared pulled him in, his hand covering almost all of Jensen’s head, and pressed his lips against Jensen’s temple, bringing him out of his downward spiral. It was strange, being held like that by someone he hardly knew. Strange but so comforting. Jared’s big hand was so gentle. And warm. His hands were so warm.

“You said Dean is supposed to go to Heaven,” Jared said quietly. Jensen could feel the words vibrating against his scalp where Jared’s lips still rested. “If that’s true it doesn’t sound like God condemns him for how he feels.”

“What do I know? That was one scenario.” Jensen bit the inside of his lip, anxiously rolling the flesh between his teeth. “Maybe it just feels like the right one, because that’s the one I want to be right. Beats being tortured in Hell.”

“Yeah. Yeah, it does.” Jared fell quiet, his breath brushing Jensen’s hair. “What about Sam?” he finally asked. “In that one scenario, do you know what happened to Sam?”

Jensen reached into the glimpse of Heaven he’d been given. The emotions in Dean’s heart. All he found was warmth. Warmth and happiness and anticipation. The relief he felt was overwhelming, and he sagged in Jared’s arms. “Sam survived,” he said, voice choked up. “Dean is waiting for him in Heaven.”

He felt Jared’s lips stretch into a smile against his temple. “Yeah? Well, that’s good!”

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed quietly. “Yeah.”

“Maybe this was it,” Jared said softly. “Maybe this was the last one, and now they’re happy.”

“Maybe.” For some reason he doubted it. “I hope so.”

“And if not, at least now we know what to focus on,” Jared said, pulling away to look at Jensen, his face fired up with the idea. “We need to find out how we can make it happen.”

Jensen’s smile slipped. “Jared…”

“No, I mean it. This is what’s supposed to happen. We just need to figure out how.”

Jensen sighed. “Jared, they’re not real. I know I talk about them as if they are, but they’re not actual people. They’re just in my head.”

Jared raised a finger. “Maybe. Or maybe they’re not. Maybe it’s a parallel universe, and somehow we’re connected through, I don’t know, the car!” Jared’s eyes sparkled with excitement. “If this wasn’t the turning point, maybe something needs to happen here, in this universe, for the right thing to happen there! Maybe this dream was a hint to help you get it right.”

“That’s a nice fantasy but…” Jensen shook his head. “Even if I believed in stuff like that, there’s no way of knowing what that should be.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Jared repeated, sounding so sure Jensen almost believed him.

They sat in silence for a while. When Jared glanced at his watch Jensen followed his gaze, noticing the late hour.

“I should go,” he said quickly and stood up. He felt proud for only swaying a little. “Let you get some sleep.”

Jared caught his hand. “Or you could stay,” he said, looking up at Jensen with a somber gaze. “In my bed. It might help.”

Jensen stilled. “I’ll wake you up screaming,” he said.

“Maybe. Or maybe it won’t go bad. Maybe it’s over,” Jared said, “You looked peaceful, just now. Maybe I should have let you sleep on.”

Jensen bit his lip. “It was so different. Dean wasn’t even scared.” He rubbed his chest, remembering Sam’s hand, clutching his own. “I mean, it still hurt like a sonofabitch but… He was happy. Even if he didn’t know where he was going.”

He suddenly felt awkward, almost angry. It had been one dream, a fluke among dozens of nightmares. “Whatever. It probably didn’t change anything.”

“But what if it really did?” Jared stood up. “What if it changed everything? What if this is it, nightmares gone? You’d be free.”

“Don’t. I can’t… Just, please, don’t.”

He started to turn away, but Jared pulled him back, ducking his head to look him in the eye. “Okay, I won’t, I promise, not one more word about it.” Jared rubbed Jensen’s hand between his strong fingers. “But please stay. I’ve got a big bed, plenty of room.”

When Jensen still hesitated Jared sighed. “I’m not asking for anything, Jen, I just hate the thought of you going through this alone. I’m a very light sleeper. Soon as you give a sound, I’ll shake you awake. I promise.”

Jensen thought of arguing. He thought of leaving, of going back to the pink house and lay down in the pink bed, staring at the pink walls, until the nightmares claimed him again. It made him want to scream. “Okay.”

Jared’s relieved smile was beautiful. “Good. I’ll loan you a toothbrush.”

Jensen chuckled. “Still got puke breath, huh?”

“No, but I take my patients’ dental health very seriously.”

“Still not a dog,” Jensen reminded him, but he followed Jared dutifully to the bathroom, brushing his teeth like a good little boy while Jared ran down to check on his inpatients before the night. He only just had time to flush the toilet before Jared came back, since again he hadn’t dared lock the door. It was pathetic, but after only two days of having Jared by his side, he had this irrational fear of Jared not being able to reach him when he needed him to. The codependent need was so embarrassing that Jensen made a point of making his way to the bedroom by himself, leaving Jared to his business.

Jared’s bedroom was small but cozy, holding a set of drawers, an inbuilt closet, and a king size bed with a light blue plaid bedspread. There was a family picture on the wall that Jensen didn’t look at. Maybe later. The curtains were thick, which Jensen was grateful for, the morning sun was a killer on his eyes.

He stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt, folding his clothes and laying them on top of the drawer before laying down on the side that didn’t have a book waiting on the nightstand, figuring Jared, like most people, was a creature of habit that would want to sleep on his usual side of the bed. Jared smiled when he came out of the bathroom, so Jensen guessed he’d made the right choice. Jared pulled off his shirt and jeans, throwing them on a chair, then seemed to hesitate for a moment before pulling the t-shirt over his head as well, tossing it aside. “I get warm,” he said, as if apologizing.

Jensen didn’t say anything, he was too busy pretending he wasn’t taking in the miles of tan skin before him. He almost felt sad when they disappeared under the covers, before he realized it meant they were now right there, within touching range.

Jesus, what was he doing? Jensen cringed. This is not about that, Ackles, stop it!

“You want me to keep the lights on?” Jared asked, shifting as he rearranged his pillow.

Jensen shook his head. His eyes were already drooping. It wouldn’t make a difference whether he turned off the lights or not. He was fighting a losing battle. It was only a matter of minutes before he succumbed. “You sure you’re up for this?” he asked, one last time. “It will probably get ugly.”

“I’m sure.”

Jared turned on his side, facing him. Jensen could only just make out his features in the faint light coming in through a split in the curtains from the streetlamp outside. “I might hug you in my sleep,” Jared said. “Just thought I’d warn you. Apparently, I’m a cuddler.”

“Uhm, okay,” Jensen said, slightly flustered. “You might get an elbow to the face if I start flailing,” he warned back. “Just so you know.”

“Okay.” Jared kept watching him. Jensen’s face heated up from the scrutiny. “I was thinking,” Jared suddenly said, “if me holding your hand helped earlier, maybe I should be touching you somewhere.”

It sounded like a weak excuse for the aforementioned cuddling, but it didn’t matter; Jensen was ready to try anything. And maybe Jared was right. Maybe the physical connection had made a difference. “Uhm, okay. Where?”

“I can hold your hand again,” Jared suggested. “Or, and feel free to say no if it makes you uncomfortable, I could just hold you.”

The heat travelled down Jensen’s neck to his chest, all the way to his groin. “Okay,” he said, before he allowed his brain to turn down what was probably a very bad idea.

“Okay.” Jared smiled. “You wanna spoon or just use my arm as a pillow?”

Jensen though about Jared’s dick, snuggling up to his ass. His face got even warmer. “Arm, I think.”

He sat up and Jared shifted over on his back, arm stretched out across Jensen’s pillow in invitation. Jensen hesitated, then lay down on his back. It wasn’t comfortable, Jared’s bicep was too high under his head and Jensen’s shoulder bumped into Jared’s ribcage. Jensen rolled over on his side instead, tentatively slotting his shoulder into Jared’s armpit as he lay his cheek on Jared’s bicep. He cautiously put his hand on Jared’s chest. “This okay?” he murmured, body stiff and awkward.

“Yeah.” Jared curled his arm around him, big hand coming up to cover his ribcage. “Relax. It’s alright,” he said.

Jensen breathed out. The tension gradually left his body. Jared’s breaths were brushing his hair, the boom-boom-boom of Jared’s heart thumped steadily under Jensen’s palm. Jensen closed his eyes.

“Dean?”

For a moment Jensen thought it was another hallucination but then he realized that even if he was still in bed it wasn’t the same one, or the same room. He wasn’t even in the same universe. And he sure wasn’t in Heaven.

He was back in Sam and Dean’s world.

Despair caught Jensen’s heart in its fist. God, please! Why?

Dean turned his head to find Sam sitting on the other bed, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. He was only wearing a t-shirt and boxers, and he looked so young, almost Jared young. Jensen could feel Dean form the words, ‘I’m up, I’m up,’ in his mouth and fought against them, fought what was sure to be another endless sequence of the same death and horror. With every ounce of strength Jensen had left he made Dean reach out and grab Sam’s wrist as he stood up. “Wait.”

Sam looked down at him. He seemed impossibly tall from this angle, both large and imposing, but there was a cautious questioning look in his eyes as he turned, facing Dean’s bed again. “What?”

“Just… wait. Come here.” Jensen pulled on Sam’s arm, until he was forced to sit down on the bed or topple over. He still looked puzzled rather than annoyed. “Come here,” Jensen insisted, wrapping Dean’s arm around Sam’s neck and pulling him all the way down to lie beside him.

“What are we doing?” Sam said after they’d been laying staring up at the ceiling for a moment, neither seeming sure what to do next.

Dean was still trying to follow the script, seeming stuck on ‘Yeah, yeah, I’m up’, like it was the first line in a play that couldn’t go on until they were past that hurdle. With considerable effort Jensen turned Dean’s head to look at Sam instead and forced him to say, “I love you so much, baby brother.”

Sam went eerily still beside him. “What is going on?” he finally asked, sounding almost fearful. “Dean?” He rolled over on his side, lifting himself up on his elbow, looking down at Dean with badly hidden dread. “Why are you saying this?”

“You love me?” Jensen asked, because he needed to be sure, had to be, before he took this any further. “Right?”

“Dean, c’mon. Of course I do,” Sam said. Now he definitely looked frightened. “You’re my brother. Nothing could ever change how I feel about you.”

Jensen pulled in a slow breath. Dean had fallen silent, like he was finally realizing something was happening. “Would you want it to?”

He could see Sam was about to snap something, possibly demand Dean told him what the hell was going on, but something in Dean’s eyes made him hesitate. “What do you mean?” he asked, shifting down again, so they were levelled, Sam on his side, Dean on his back with his face turned to Sam. Their noses were only inches apart. “Change how?”

Dean swallowed. Dean, not Jensen, there was no doubt. Like he’d finally caught on and it was scaring the shit out of him. Jensen pulled back and gave Dean a little push. ‘Go on,’ he whispered. ‘This is your very last chance.’ He could feel Dean flounder as he stared into Sam’s eyes, his heart hammering so fast in his chest Jensen felt faint.

“Like this,” Dean finally said, voice shaking. Then he swiftly cupped the back of Sam’s head and pulled him in for a kiss.

Continued here.