Addictive Obsession ~ Chapter Ten | part one
You can’t control your life, you never could and you’ll never be able to. We live, trying to react to things that come our way in the best way we can because there’s nothing else we can do. When something hits us, we hit back with the same strength because we don’t want to be considered weak. And when it hits us the second time, we just take the fall, get up and learn to be prepared in case it happens the third time too. But we never learn from our mistakes and then we’ll blame the fact that we can’t control what happens to us that we’re so weak and vulnerable.
Some people call it as fate. Others like to call it God. But you know the truth and you have long realized that it’s not you who makes your life, but the people around you. Your mother, your father, your friends. They are people who influence you in a good or bad way. Maybe you’ll be lucky and you’ll find them loving and caring. Or maybe you’ll be the unfortunate one and you’ll find them to be cruel, distant and cold. Every person from your life has a different meaning and purpose and each of them have a designed role on the path of your life. But when someone who can control your every move and breath and feeling appears, you find yourself to not care anymore about what will come. The future is not important anymore and the past never was.
But then where will you go if the present is too much painful to bear?
Kazuya never thought that something like this would happen to him - the day he would be called in the dean’s office because there was a problem. He had never had problems, not in the slightest! And now… what had he done and he was unaware of? Kazuya had an ominous feeling and the stares and whispers of everyone didn’t help him much. And the bitter taste of all was that none of his friends were in near sight, it seemed like they had vanished completely - like they left him on purpose because he was in trouble. Well, this shouldn’t be surprising, Kazuya mused, but he couldn’t shake the feeling of betrayal clawing at him.
So he walked alone towards the dean’s office, thinking that whatever he might’ve done, it surely wasn’t that bad and being top student and all, he probably will be let off with a minor scold. Confident in his innocence, Kazuya almost knocked at the door when two voices stopped him from doing so. He looked at his left and saw the form of his four friends rushing towards to him. In that moment, Kazuya’s heart wept with happiness. Seeing all four of them made him feel weak and warm, strong and loved. They stopped in front of him with their breaths rasp from running.
“What happened?” Maru asked, looking worried as the rest. “You okay?”
“I don’t know what happened, but now…” he looked in turn at everyone and smiled confidently. “I’m okay. I’m sure that there is a misunderstanding and it will be solved in a matter of seconds.” He continued, trying to reassure his friends who weren’t that optimistic as him.
“When we got here, everyone was saying your name.” Koki suddenly said, his voice somewhat harsh. “I hope they were wrong.” He added, wanting to believe in Kazuya but not really doing so. Because what he had heard wasn’t that far from the truth.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.” Kazuya reassured, not really paying attention at what Koki was trying to be subtle about. “Look, I’ll go in… and you -” the younger gulped, his voice faltered. “- you go to classes, I’ll be with you in a moment, okay?” he smiled, finding the courage he had lacked earlier.
Everyone nodded and wished him good luck and that they will be waiting for him and that they were sure that Kazuya was innocent no matter what. No one said a single thing about the bandage across Kazuya’s cheek, deciding that it wasn’t the moment. The younger smiled at their kind words and knocked at the dean’s door whose voice was quickly heard, inviting him inside.
“I’m sorry to disturb, but I’ve been called.” Kazuya said as he entered the room, the fade thud of the closing door bringing all of his fears back. But he had to think of his friends and the fact that they were there for him.
“Ah.” the dean looked up and surveyed Kazuya. “Mr. Kamenashi Kazuya, I suppose.” He said with a lofty voice and the younger nodded, his heart a clench. “Have a seat.” The dean politely invited Kazuya, though it was nothing polite in the tone of his voice. It quite felt cold, Kazuya mused, taking on the offer and seating on the chair in front of the dean’s desk.
A few moments passed - moments that seemed hours to Kazuya - and the older man rustled through some papers from where he retrieved a red envelope and handed it down to Kazuya who looked at it confused. “Open it.” Came the order and the younger complied immediately. And when he saw its content, whatever bravery he had felt at first was now vanished. “Is that you, Mr. Kamenashi?” the dean asked, looking carefully at Kazuya’s every expression.
But Kazuya never lifted his eyes or gave his consent on the question. The photos in front of him were too much of a shock to even say a single word. It was impossible to think how such photos were taken and how they reached the dean’s hands. He skimmed through them, hands trembling and his mouth dry. If he believed for a second that the photos could’ve been fake, now Kazuya was sure.
In the pictures, there it was him - all high and oblivious. It was his clothes, his accessories and his face that the camera had caught and the blissful and ravished expression on his face was not the best he could have shown. Neither did the pills and bags spread around him didn’t help, Kazuya thought as he laid the photos and envelope in his lap, grasping his hands to stop them from trembling. He looked up at the dean who had been waiting for his answer. “Yes.” Kazuya replied, surprised that his voice was calm and not shaking like the rest of his body.
If the dean was angry, displeased or disappointed, he never showed it. He simply sighed and signaled Kazuya to give him back the photos; the younger reluctantly gave them back. “We usually don’t search people’s hobbies up -” the dean coughed and threw a hard look to him. “- but when it involves the school, we are obliged to do so. That’s why when we received these photos, we tripped over a current drug transaction happening in this college.” The dean paused as if waiting for Kazuya to say something, but the student was silent and listening. So he coughed again and continued. “When we confronted the persons involved, no one wanted to say a name, but coming upon these photos, you’re currently a suspect.”
Kazuya almost jolted in surprise. What was the meaning of this?! He wasn’t a drug dealer, Kazuya screamed inside his head, but not daring to say a thing. He might take drugs, he might be an addict, but he wasn’t that stupid to offer other drugs or even to sell them. That was Jin’s job, not his.
“Do you have anything to say regarding this?” the dean asked and a tint of hope was in his voice. “I want to believe in your innocence, Mr. Kamenashi.” He continued, apparently trying to convince Kazuya to say that he was innocent. “You’re our top student and many teachers are delighted with your behavior, there hasn’t been a sole report against you. But this… this is a grave accusation and we have to think over it carefully.”
And Kazuya was at loss of words like he had never been. He looked at the dean, then at the red envelope and there was a single question in his head - who? And when he voiced it out, the dean shook his head and sighed, almost as if he was dissatisfied at Kazuya’s answer and interest in proving his innocence in all this mess.
“It came anonymously.” The dean answered, looking at the younger. “Can you explain?” he then asked, really wanting to hear at least an excuse from Kazuya.
“I have nothing to do with the drug transactions in the school.” Kazuya finally answered and he was displeased hearing his hoarse voice, he didn’t want it like that, he needed to sound sure of what he was saying, even if it was the truth. So he coughed a little and continued his explanation. “I might take them sometimes, but I don’t go around in school and sell drugs. And I assure you that the drugs I buy aren’t from here, so I don’t know anything about any dealers within school.” He added, feeling that the dean would have surely asked such a thing.
“I see.” The dean replied and united his fingers on which he settled his chin, analyzing Kazuya with his small eyes. “Though I know it’s not the legal way to solve such matters, I’ll want you to write a statement for the school council. We’ll have it discussed among us and tell you our decision.” He continued, taking a deep breath before he continued. “For now, you’re free to go. Also, you’re excused from classes too, so you can have a day off.” The dean announced and Kazuya couldn’t say that he didn’t expect as much.
The student rose from the chair and bowed in front of the dean, excused himself and made a turn to leave but he was stopped. “Have you tried to fight it off?” the dean asked him and Kazuya kept his back at the man.
“There’s hardly a fight when it comes to drugs.” Kazuya replied, hating the truth in his words, not giving a straight answer to the question. He heard the dean sigh.
“You’re a great student, Kazuya. Don’t take no as a permanent solution.” The man gave his advice but Kazuya wasn’t convinced. No one knew about his situation and it wasn’t that easy to give up on something that made your life easier. “Take care of you.”
And with this, Kazuya knew that his session with the dean had finished. He excused himself once more and left the room, only to be met with the silence of the corridor. Of course everyone was at classes, only he wasn’t. The younger headed for the cafeteria to wait there for his friends to come. He needed their support now, their help. But as he started to walk towards his destination, he came across a photo of him - one of the ones he had seen in the dean’s office. It was lying innocently on the floor in front of him, as if it had been waiting for him. Kazuya gulped and the sudden realization hit him. There were photos of him around the school too. He bent down and picked the photo, crushing it in his fist.
“How many…” Kazuya asked himself and ran towards the notice board, waiting for the worst. But there was nothing except the usual flyers and announcements. He looked puzzled at it, now wondering from where the photo in his hand came. He took out his phone and sent a text to Koki, saying that he was out and was heading for the backyard, waiting for them there. Something told him that it was better to avoid masses.
Half an hour later, all four of his friends were gathered around him, throwing him worried glances. Ueda was the first to ask. “Kame, are you on drugs?”
Kazuya looked up at his friends and knew that the photo he had found hasn’t been the only one. “No.” came the natural lie, knowing that the dean won’t say a thing about his addiction. It will ruin the college’s image. Koki shifted a little beside Maru, Kazuya chose to ignore him.
“Then… those pictures!” Junno stuttered looking worried, it didn’t suit him. He was usually the goofy one, not the mother hen.
“They’re fakes.” Kazuya replied quickly, maybe a little too quickly. “There were more of them?” he asked, looking at his friends and seeing the answer without needing to hear it. “Fuck it. The whole school’s seen it. Great.” He cursed and passed a hand through his hair, ruffling it.
“What did you do, Kame? Whom did you upset?” Maru asked, putting a hand on the younger’s shoulder.
“I don’t know. What are the rumors saying?” he asked his friends, really worried about his future.
“Must be someone close to you to have that kind of shot of you.” Koki suddenly said and Kazuya’s eyes flickered at him, recognizing the accusation and hint in them. It couldn’t be.
“I think I heard someone mention Akanishi.” Maru answered, unaware of the exchange of looks between his two friends. Kazuya frowned and thought that he had read or heard this name before, it was oddly familiar. “Do you know anyone named like this?” Maru asked looking inquiringly at Kazuya.
“No, I haven’t heard it before -” Kazuya paused and something seemed to dawn on him, an understanding expression sweeping over his face. He didn’t. “I think I might know.”
“Who is it?” Koki growled and his gaze seemed to pierce Kazuya. “And why the hell do you have a bandage over your cheek?!” he asked, pointing at his face, not being able to keep it any longer. He and the others have noticed this since they saw Kazuya in the morning, but they didn’t ask because of the situation, but seeing what happened after, Koki couldn’t help but feel angry and think of only one person in Kazuya’s life.
The younger brought his hand at his cheek, almost involuntarily as if he’d been unaware of such thing. “Oh.” He said, realizing that he had forgotten about the cut Jin had only given him two days ago. “I cut myself while shaving.” He answered, trying to be cool about it.
“A razor cut that long?” Ueda pointed out and everyone nodded along with him.
“Well… I was half sleepy.” Kazuya tried to slip off though the looks of his friends told him that they don’t believe him at all. “It’s just a cut, anyway!” he burst out all of a sudden, making his friends jolt in surprise. “Now I need to find out more about those photos and I think I have a lead.” He added, ruffling his hair even more, a weird gleam in his eyes.
“What did the dean say?” Maru asked, thinking that it wasn’t good to let Kazuya go already.
“I might get suspended. He wants me to write a statement and he said that they will discuss it on a meeting, but he already said to me to take the day off.” Kazuya replied and the thought of not being able to attend classes made his blood boil and anger swept over him. “What was the name again?” he looked at Maru, everyone recognizing the fury in the other’s eyes.
“Akanishi. Why -” he didn’t get to ask because Kazuya stormed through them, ignoring their shouts after him. He had a goal now and the first stop was at a fucking bastard.
*
Akanishi.
That was all he could think of when he was rushing to the only place he would find answers. He had definitely seen or heard this name before and something told him that it was no other else than the almighty and greatest stupid Jin! The image of the older flashed in front of Kazuya’s eyes and the blood rushed to his head, making him lose all reason as he reached the place where Jin lived. So he climbed up the stairs, thinking of millions of adjectives to address the jerk that had just had him suspended from school. He should thank God the school board didn’t choose to expel him or Jin would be top news by now - killed and cut to pieces by a mad and addict student from Psychology.
Kazuya stopped, breathing heavily, in front of Jin’s door and started pounding on it loudly. “Come and open up, you fucking jerk!” he shouted, forgetting that there might be neighbors to disturb or …whatever, he didn’t care!
A sound of annoyance was heard from inside and in a few seconds, Jin opened the door, looking at the younger with an uninterested expression, putting his hand on the door, somewhere above his head, and supporting his body on it.
“Yeah?” he said, seeming totally unconcerned about the fury in Kazuya’s eyes.
This seemed to trigger something in Kazuya’s already enraged mind. So he shoved Jin unceremoniously into the house and without a warning, he punched Jin in the face. “You disgusting bastard!” he hissed, his body shaking with rage. “You thought I wouldn’t figure out that you’re Akanishi?!” he shouted, looking wild and mad.
Jin’s expression still didn’t change and didn’t show anything else but boredom, even if the power of Kazuya’s fist send him back, making Jin stumble a little on his feet. He traced his lips with his tongue, erasing the trail of blood that masked his mouth, and straightened himself, keeping his poker face and totally not caring about Kazuya’s reaction.
“Yeah, my full name is Akanishi Jin, so what?” Jin replied, having no idea why Kazuya was now talking about his name. It was true that the older never thought it would be necessary for the boy to know his full name - it wasn’t like it would help him or something - but… wasn’t this a little exaggerated? Jin had thought that Kazuya is mad because of other reasons, but not something as stupid as this.
“You’re still playing dumb, aren’t you?!” Kazuya yelled and made another swing at Jin who dodged it. “Because of you -” and Kazuya shouted millions of adjectives, not one of the flattering. “- because of the fucking bastard named Akanishi Jin now I am suspended from school!!” he continued shouting, trying to hit Jin some more but not quite succeeding. “You sent the fucking photos and even fucking accused me of being a drug dealer!! You son of a bitch, you twerp and asshole! You obsessed dickhead!” and once more Kazuya lounged himself at Jin, throwing punches and kicks wherever he could.
A smirk appeared on Jin’s lips as he grabbed Kazuya’s hands, turned him around and glued the younger into his body, his hands still locked into the older one’s grasp. “So you received my surprise? I didn’t think it would be that soon.” He laughed, blowing air into Kazuya’s ear and feeling extremely pleased with himself.
“Get the fuck off, you mental sucker!” Kazuya screamed and tried to free himself from Jin’s hold. “You’re such an imbecile for doing such a disgusting thing!” he then hissed, tossing in Jin’s arms. “Surprise my ass! Go and stuff it down your ass or something!”
“Calm down if you don’t want me to do it!!” Jin growled, raising his tone a little to sound more demanding and also tightening his grip on the younger. “You should say thanks that that was the only thing I did after I caught you with that bitch in the bathroom!” he added, now starting to get annoyed too. Then what? Did Kazuya think that Jin will just shut up and won’t do anything to punish Kazuya for what he did?! Oh, no, that was impossible. And Kazuya was about to find out how wrong he had been.
“Like hell I’m going to calm down, you asshole!” Kazuya retorted and struggled even more. “And you’re the bitch, the one who’s so crazy to even cut me and then have me suspended from school just because your eyesight is worse than shit!!” the younger continued, digging his nails in Jin’s hands, scratching them to let him go.
“Look who was talking, the slut queen in person!” Jin rolled his eyes, fighting with Kazuya and trying to ignore the wounds that slowly started to appear on his body until the younger managed to hurt Jin in one spot he had already been wounded from the last fight - wound that Jin had got from protecting Kazuya, but who was counting? The older yelped and released Kazuya, giving way to his fury for a moment and hitting the younger with the back of his palm when he saw Kazuya trying to attack him again, sending him on the floor.
“I said calm down!!” Jin barked and looked angered at Kazuya, his eyes seeming ready to do whatever was necessary to be sure it would be how he said. “Fuck!” he swore, realizing what he had done. But it was too late to regret anything.
So what if it hurt when Jin hit him? So what if he was beaten to death?! It was definitely not the first time when someone would have him beaten up to a pulp, not even recognizing himself the following day. “I’ll not fucking calm down!! So you can hit me more if that’s what you want to, you crazy asshole!!” Kazuya yelled and got up making another swing at Jin, but again failing. “Since I’ve fucking known you, I’ve seen just Hell! So go and die you fucking bastard!!” the younger spat, wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth.
“Well, forgive me because I don’t really care right now.” Jin replied with an annoyed expression, glancing at Kazuya who was still in fight mode. Oh, God, this was the last thing he needed right now. He took a deep breath and tried to calm down, to be the reasonable one between the two of them. “I don’t want to hit you again.” He said, with what Jin hoped to be a calm voice. “And stop being so childish, you only got suspended, it could have been worse. And I could make it worse.” Jin added quickly, not letting the younger have the time to interfere.
“Be my guest!” Kazuya laughed wildly. “And you’ll see how worse I can make it too.” He added with a sadistic smile, his eyes having a weird gleam and his expression almost mad.
“Oh, really?” Jin cocked an inquiring eyebrow at Kazuya. “And what can you do?” he asked, crossing his arms and looking intensively at the younger. Now this better be good or Jin will lose the inexistent interest he had for this conversation.
Kazuya smiled evilly. “What were your words a few days ago, you bastard?” he asked in the sweetest voice. He made a pause, seeming to think about it. “Oh, right. You said you love me, creep.” He continued, still smiling like there was such a good joke about such a confession. “But whom you’ll love when I’ll be gone like… forever?” Kazuya asked, looking innocent and apparently calm at Jin. Oh, yeah, he had thought of such things before and surely it wouldn’t be his first attempt to end his life. And if Jin would bring him to such extent, he’ll gladly do it and this time he’ll be successful.
“If I said that I love you, this doesn’t mean that I’ll stand by and look at you how you make a fool out of myself.” Jin snorted, now angered that Kazuya had dared to say something about this. How could he?! Kazuya had been the one to cheat on Jin and now he was blaming Jin for what was happening between them?! Well, excuse me for taking care for this to not happen again, Jin would have said if he wasn’t already boiling with anger and preparing to strangle Kazuya. Or at least to hit him again, just because he felt like it.
“What the heck makes you think that you’ll be able to run away from me?” Jin rolled his eyes, not understanding what was Kazuya trying to imply, but being sure that the younger won’t be able to do as he pleases anymore.
“Want to test me, stupid?” Kazuya sneered and run to the kitchen from where he grabbed a knife. Kazuya turned to Jin who had lazily followed him and was now looking apprehensive at whatever the younger wanted to do. “I’ll run away from you and you wouldn’t ever be able to stop me or to follow me.” He said and put the knife’s blade at his wrist, cutting slowly the skin which quickly got bathed in red.
But the only reaction he got from Jin this time was an angered look and a slightly disturbed expression. “Do what you want, but don’t die in my apartment. It gets messy.” He just said and turned his back on Kazuya, exiting the kitchen. If Kazuya was stupid enough to get himself killed because of a stupid reason like college, then maybe Jin should reconsider his choice. So he ignored the tugging of his heart and left Kazuya alone, taking care to lock the door of his apartment and hide the key. He had no idea why he had done that, but… he didn’t want to think too much at it too.
“Fuck!” Jin swore as he entered his bedroom and looked at the empty room. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!!”
And Kazuya crashed. All of what he had built until now was down to pieces, turned to ashes by a sole person - Akanishi Jin. And as his blood prickled down his hand and then to the floor, Kazuya lifted the knife and looked at the red stained blade. He had lost his mind doing such a thing after all he had been through. He smiled insanely and put the knife in the sink, ignoring the pain that was burning his cut skin. Kazuya let himself fall down to the floor, no strength or whatsoever to even stop the bleeding. It felt horrible to do such a thing to yourself, it felt disgusting and unworthy to even want to kill yourself. But Kazuya had been there before and he was here now - how he managed to get in such points in his life, he’ll never have an answer.
But he never realized how much college had meant for him, how much his life meant for him. Not until he met Akanishi Jin and had let him ruin everything. First his mother, then his father and now… Jin. Will there be persons who won’t try to destroy everything he was? Will there be persons who will just let him be and love him for what he was without being exceedingly demanding? Probably not. Because always the people who had claimed to have loved him cornered him to this one point - to the point where not even drugs could save him, just the simple act of dying. And he thought he had given up on such thoughts, but what a fool he had been not to see them laying underneath the feeble layer of his new self he had built. And Jin had been the one to shown him that he was still caught in his past, that he still had that twisted mind he never managed to throw away.
“Thank you, Jin.” Kazuya smiled as his tears blended with the blood now smeared all over his face as the younger tried to wipe them off.
PART II