Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Seven | part one
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Happy New Yeaaaaaar!!! <3 <3 <3 <3
may 2012 be a better year than 2011 ^o^
Chapter Seven
Seventh Song ~ Miracle
I want this passionate emotion to reach you,
Come into my life. Make it so, miracle, miracle
A fragile, brittle promise
Your words of love, your gaze; don't break this miracle.
Sometimes… life isn’t fair. Most of the time it isn’t. Yin and Yang, black and white, these contradictions exist to make us special, to be able to say that we’re different because of some tiny little thing from the one next to us. And it’s good because these contradictions are what make life interesting and more enjoyable. These are the reason we wake up in the morning, because each day is another opportunity to discover something different than us, maybe the total opposite or maybe something unimportant but which will totally fascinate us.
But then comes life. And it says that not everything can be only black and white and it suddenly decides that there should also exist good and evil, happiness and sadness, smiles and tears. Poverty and richness. We can’t fight it, we can’t do anything about it. We can only fall into its traps and let it chose a category for us, to decide how hard or easy will our life be.
And so it destroys our perfect dreams.
The next day was awful. Jin hadn’t managed to sleep too much the night before and he was already up at seven in the morning even if he had gone home somewhere around 2 o’clock in the morning. The image of Kazuya crying had been haunting him since and he couldn’t even close his eyes without thinking at what a jerk he had been.
How couldn’t he see it? Kazuya had obviously been uncomfortable and he had tried to refuse Jin, but he had thought that it was only because he didn’t like Jin at first. After that, he had just assumed that Kazuya was embarrassed or something equally stupid like that. And yes, he knew that Kazuya wasn’t exactly wealthy, but this didn’t mean he was poor right? This just meant that he had a smaller house than Jin. A less fancy car. A smaller bank account and less zeros to write on checks.
He had never suspected that it would bother the younger one that much.
And, after all, why? Why was he to blame just because he had wanted to buy Kazuya lunch? He understood that the assistant wasn’t used to treatments like that, but Jin had offered to pay for him so the least he could have done was to taste the food, not to throw it away like that.
And what about the watch? It was a fancy watch, but it was sport and you could easily wear it with anything in your dresser. No one would have noticed that Jin had spent on that watch almost as much as some people spend on their houses - not that Jin was aware of this particular thing though. And Kazuya had accepted it in the end and he had even been delighted by it - and Jin could clearly remember a certain moment which made that day memorable in his eyes, also being a cause of that gift if you asked Jin. It was a great gift - even if it might have been a little expensive for Kazuya, but nevertheless, a great gift!! Why was he blamed again for buying it then?
“What?” Jin growled into the phone, annoyed that it hadn’t stopped ringing since he left the club. All of his friends were worried - especially the ones who were supposed to spend the night at his place - but Jin wasn’t in the mood to talk with anyone so he simply chose to ignore their calls. The only one he had answered was Pi to tell him that he was okay and that he needed to be alone for a while. It seemed that his best friend didn’t need any more words and had taken care of everything else.
“I need you tonight at seven. There’s been a mistake with a scene and you have to re-do it. Be there, Bakanishi.” Was all that Jun said before hanging up the phone. Jin just rolled his eyes and sighed in defeat at his friend’s enthusiasm to work after a night of partying.
And what was with tonight anyway? Kazuya had been the one to show unexpected after he had told Jin he had plans with Yuuya. Kazuya had been the one to kiss that bitch - with all the regret Jin was saying this because Rachel was still his friend though - and he chose to make out with her exactly at Jin’s birthday party!! Well, isn’t that a delight? Even more after Kazuya knew perfectly well what does Jin feel for him!
He sighed. This was getting him nowhere and the clock already showed 1 p.m. He should just take a shower and go to work to see what did Jun want from him. And… he should keep his promise to Kazuya and cut all his connections with the younger.
With this thought in mind, Jin entered the set two hours later, trying to smile but not succeeding so well as he felt tired and the fact that he hadn’t slept was finally catching up with him. The staff was throwing his weird glances as they were all surprised to see Jin on the set with a few hours earlier than the time he was supposed to arrive, but Jin ignored all of them and immediately searched for Jun, sitting on a chair next to him, before his friend even had time to acknowledge him. “Yo.” He said, his lips curling up a bit as he looked at the director.
Jun turned slowly towards the singer, seeming to study him for a moment, and Jin had the feeling that he was shrinking under Jun’s inquiring eyes. “Hi.” He finally answered, turning back to the script as he wanted to take advantage that the set was being changed and there were no actors to bug him. Well, except one.
“I need a favor.” Jin cut to the chase and said directly what he wanted. “I want you to give back Kazuya’s old job.”
Jun cocked an eyebrow, looking at Jin like he had grown two heads and had become a specimen which needed to be researched. He had only heard rumors about what happened at Jin’s party, but he couldn’t trust them - even less if one of them was saying that Jin fucked someone and the girl complained that he didn’t do a good job - so he was still waiting for the official version. “Why?” he simply asked, knowing that it’s better to let Jin have his way until he finally spills it out.
Jin bit his lower lip and looked at Jun with puppy eyes, saying that he doesn’t want to talk about this. Jun’s eyebrow lifted even further, disappearing between his locks and making Jin whimper. The singer needed a couple of minutes to finally sigh and give up in favor of his friend. “I had a fight with Kazuya last night.” He confessed, avoiding Jun’s eyes. “And I realized that I was selfish and I shouldn’t make him do these things if he doesn’t want to.” He sighed again and leaned back on the chair, stretching his legs in front of him and trying to make himself more comfortable. Only if he could. But it was impossible with the sharp knife in his heart that he himself had plunged there.
Jun didn’t say anything for a while, contemplating his friend’s words. “You are selfish.” He admitted and made Jin frown. “But you did the right thing in giving Kazuya that job.” He continued with a smile, laughing when he saw Jin’s confused expression. “Kazuya has a great talent and he’s destined for things greater than this. I think the experience with you has helped him grow up a little.”
Jin had no idea how to answer to this. Maybe he had indeed helped Kazuya but it was so little when you compared it with the damage he had done. The scene with the flowers came into Jin’s mind and he felt the need to squish himself on that chair, to make himself so small that no one would see him or his shame. Kazuya’s tears destroyed everything that Jin could have done good for him.
“Do you still want to do this?”
Jin looked at his friend unsure, once again not knowing what to do. But no, he wasn’t allowed to go back on his word. He had to keep his promise to Kazuya no matter what. If this was what the younger wanted him to do… then fine. So be it.
“Yes.”
It was for Kazuya’s own good after all.
*
It was getting late and Jin was getting bored. He had been sitting on the same chair for about two hours, waiting for his turn and to leave that place as soon as possible. The worst part was that he couldn’t blame anyone because he had been the one to come earlier at work as the Einstein that he was. He couldn’t do anything but wait and hope that he won’t see anyone that he didn’t want to.
He had taken measures for that too, seeing as he hadn’t left his dressing room not even once for the past hours and had sat hiding there and smoking cigar after cigar, hoping that he’ll manage to calm his nerves. But he couldn’t. He only had one scene for that day, but what was he supposed to do if he’ll see Kazuya? How was he supposed to talk with him? And the most important thing, what should he say first?
He had no idea and the hours that he had spent alone didn’t do him any good as Jin hadn’t managed to reach a conclusion yet. And it seemed that it was time to face the truth, Jin thought as he nodded to the woman that came to announce him that he must be on set in five minutes.
He sighed and raised himself from the couch, straightening his clothes and heading for the door. Everything seemed weird today, he noticed. Maybe it was because he had become used to be all the time with Kazuya, to hear Kazuya calling him to go on set and to see Kazuya planning his schedule or scolding him because Jin wasn’t serious. It seemed that the only thing he could remember from the past month since he had come back to Japan was Kazuya and Kazuya only.
Life officially sucked.
He took a deep breath and opened the door which led to the set, a wide smile already plastered on his lips as he entered. It lasted just two seconds. That was all he needed to spot Kazuya and it seemed that the younger had seen him too as their eyes met even if they were far away from each other.
“Oh, God.” Jin mumbled to himself, panicking and not knowing what to do.
So he ran away. He pretended to not have seen Kazuya and had continued to walk towards him, passing the assistant without saying a word. He smiled to Jun and acted like nothing happened.
But it did.
And it hurt.
*
It hurt his ears. He didn’t want to hear it anymore, he didn’t want to wake up yet. He lazily got out a hand and started to hit whatever he fumbled upon, not caring enough to open his eyes and stop that damn watch. It was too early for him and he vaguely remembered what time was when he went to bed. Just an hour, he could afford sleeping one more hour. They could manage without him for an hour, it wasn’t like he was the lead actor or something like that.
Jin needed one more hour of alarms ringing to finally realize that he really was the lead actor and that he needed to get up his ass or he’ll be late. He didn’t bother to shower and just dressed himself in a hurry, not forgetting to take his keys this time - even if the wallet had remained on the table where he had put it a day before.
In the end, he had managed to be late only fifteen minutes. He just looked at Jun with a look that said he already knows and dashed to his dressing room, only then taking a moment to breathe. The clock said six in the morning and they had one hour to get ready with their clothes and make-up so Jin could slow down a little now. He could stop now and think at how fast was his heart beating only at the thought that he’ll see Kazuya again. He hadn’t seen him when he came, but then again, he hadn’t seen anyone considering how quickly he had disappeared in his dressing room to avoid any uncomfortable meetings.
The day was just starting. But Jin was determined to avoid Kazuya at any cost and to run from him if he happened to see him close by.
*
“Open this door or I’m going to break it down.”
Jin growled, annoyed and tired and not being in the mood for any visitors, no matter who they were. But he knew better than to ignore Pi and he was aware of the fact that his friend didn’t need anything more to do what he had threatened. So he lazily got off bed and dragged his feet after him to the door, opening it and turning his back to Yamapi to go to the kitchen and fetch two bottles of beer from the fridge.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Pi asked with an upset tone as he followed Jin to the living room and watched him put one bottle of beer on the table for Pi to take and opening the other one, gulping down half of it.
“What can I say?” Jin shrugged, like his behavior was totally normal.
Pi groaned. “Jin, you left from your birthday party after fighting with Kazuya and you didn’t bother to return any of my calls since then. I think I deserve an explanation.” He demanded, posting himself in front of Jin and crossing his arms while cocking an eyebrow to show how serious he was.
“I was busy.” The singer replied with an indifferent tone.
Pi suppressed a scream of annoyance. “Jin, tell me the truth or I swear I’ll find out myself and it won’t be as nice as it could be if you talk.” He resorted to threatening, seeing as anything else didn’t work.
The singer bit his lower lip and looked up at his friend. He hadn’t talked about his feelings with anyone and he had chosen to die buried with this secret. It was one thing to tell Jun that he liked Kazuya and that he might be interested in him, but it was a totally different thing to say that he was in love with the assistant and that he couldn’t get him out of his head. He wondered what will Pi think. How will he react if he suddenly confessed that he’s gay and has fallen for a guy. He would be shocked, of course, but… would he accept Jin?
It was kind of funny though. When he had first arrived in America and made some gay friends, Jin had been totally cool with it, thinking that this was America and besides the different customs that they have, they also have different ways of living. Homosexuality wasn’t that unusual in America but you could lose your job in Japan if anyone would know that you were gay. You’d be abandoned and left alone for the rest of your life. Your family would also be accused for raising you this way.
It couldn’t even be compared.
“I hurt him.” Jin said with a small voice, his eyes lowered down and studying his shoes while his fingers were playing with the bottle from his hands.
But this was Yamapi, he was Jin’s best friend since he could remember. Jin was sure that Pi would understand him and not banish him for having feelings for a guy.
“I hurt him,” Jin repeated as he looked up at Pi again, “and I don’t know what to do now.” He confessed with a broken voice, his head falling back on his chest again.
Yamapi fell silent for a moment before he finally took a step towards Jin and sat down, next to him, his arms hanging around Jin’s shoulders. “Tell me what happened.” He asked with a quiet voice, like he didn’t want to scare Jin away.
And Jin did. He told him about his first meeting with Kazuya and of how annoyed he had been with the younger, resulting in asking Jun to let him be his assistant. He told Pi what happened every morning when Kazuya came to wake him up and how they would sometimes turn to moves less normal and more provocative. He didn’t leave anything out, talking about how he had realized that he liked Kazuya and tried to give him gifts only to make the boy upset with him. How he had asked Kazuya to spend his birthday with him but he had refused and said that he had plans. The present he had given to Jin and their short make out scene on the first floor of the club. Their fight and Kazuya’s leaving.
The fact that he was actually in love with Kazuya.
Pi didn’t say anything as Jin continued to recount the past month and every thing that happened and that led to this situation. He didn’t flinch when Jin confessed that he loves the boy, already suspecting this after hearing his friend talking with that gentle and caring tone about the younger one. He didn’t reject him when Jin finished his story and sighed deeply, he just brought him closer and caught him into a hug to show his friend that he was there for him.
“You’re really stupid.” Pi whispered in the silence of the room, feeling Jin shivering in his arms.
“I know.” The other replied with a defeated voice. “But I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I want to leave him alone as he wants but I also don’t want to lose him.” He sighed again and cuddled more into Yamapi’s arms. “I love him, Pi.” He said with a broken tone. “I’ve never loved anyone in my life.”
“Well, it just means that you’ve finally grown up.” His friend chuckled and Jin felt the need to roll his eyes. “Listen to me,” he then said with a serious voice, “and think really carefully at this.” He warned and waited to receive a nod before continuing. “Kazuya is not from out world.” He explained, choosing to say the boy’s first name to let Jin know that he doesn’t have any problem with him. “He works to earn his bread, not for fun how we do it.”
“I know, but…”
“No, you don’t.” Pi scolded the actor, detaching himself from his friend and shifting on the couch to look into Jin’s eyes. “You don’t understand how it’s like to live every day not knowing what will tomorrow bring. You don’t know the real meaning of the word money.” He said, sounding like he knew perfectly well what his words mean and Jin also knew that if there was anyone who had the right to talk to him about the importance of love and money, then Pi was the only one. After all, he himself had been in such a love a long time ago.
“But… it’s not my fault. I never did anything to deserve this.”
“No, you didn’t.” Pi smiled gently. “But you didn’t really do anything to understand Kazuya too.” He added with a caring and patient voice. “Come on.” He then said, raising up from the couch and stretching his hand towards Jin to pull him up.
“Where are we going?” Jin asked baffled, not really understanding if their discussion was over or not.
“To make you understand better.” The younger director simply replied as he pushed Jin out of the door and dragged him to the car.
They needed more than one hour to get to their destination - that was also because of the fact that Yamapi had no idea where he was going and needed a lot of directions from whoever he had called to give him the address - and the traffic made the road even harder. Jin had complained the whole time that he wanted to know where they were going and when he understood that he wasn’t going to find out anything, he chose to whine about being hungry and thirsty and wanting to go home.
Oh, boy.
Jin shut up only when the neighborhood started to change and from the usual streets of Tokyo, they entered smaller and darker ones, dirty streets which made Jin think that there were big chances of being attacked by thugs and killed or maybe kidnapped for ransom. Pi had chosen to ignore him the whole time and drove further into the dark streets, stopping from time to time to ask if it was the correct way. This was proven to be quite difficult as there were few people at that time of the night and even less unsuspicious ones. He stopped the car on a secluded alley and dragged Jin out, making him walk for another five minutes until they stopped in front of a building.
“Pi, what are we doing here?” Jin asked with a whiny voice, fear being obvious in his tone and even more as they were alone at night and their car wasn’t near. “Where are we?”
The other ignored him once again and this time Jin proceeded to pout, but kept letting himself be dragged by Pi as he watched carefully the numbers of the doors and continued to climb the stairs, stopping after three floors. “This is where Kazuya lives.” He finally said and a shocked gasp left Jin’s mouth. “Imagine now that you sent him one thousand flowers.” He added and smiled gently at Jin while the singer felt the guilt clutching his heart again.
He couldn’t believe this. Kazuya was… living in such a place? He had always known that he wasn’t rich, but Jin had never imagined that Kazuya was that poor. He had never imagined that such a thing was possible and had never believed that there really were people living like that. How should he have known? All he had known all of his life had been money and the power to do whatever he had wanted to.
He was an idiot.
“Come on.” Pi said again, pulling on Jin’s arm to drag him out of there, not wanting to meet with Kazuya in their little expedition. As soon as they were outside, they stopped and looked once more at the dirty building. Pi glanced at his friend and saw tears threatening to fall from Jin’s eyes as the singer looked carefully at the place where Kazuya’s apartment was, not wanting to believe that the younger really was somewhere behind those doors. It couldn’t be.
But it was true.
“How are you feeling?” the younger one asked concerned.
Jin sniffed and looked at Pi with a guilty expression. “Horrible.” Was his answer as his tears were becoming more stubborn and didn’t want to disappear from his eyes.
“Do you understand now?” Pi continued to ask and Jin nodded his head. “Then you know it’s better this way and I’m sure that you now realized that you weren’t in love with him because you actually didn’t know him and…”
“I love him.”
“And now you’ll…” he stopped. “What?” Pi asked, not being able to believe he had just heard right.
“I still love him, Pi.” Jin repeated, this time looking straight into Yamapi’s eyes and showing all the hurt and helplessness that he was feeling. “I love him and now I want to scream at myself for how stupid I was!!” he raised his tone, furious and mad and with a maddening desire to hit himself until he can’t feel a thing anymore. It hurt too much. He had never felt such a crushing pain until now.
What had he done?
“Then do it.” Yamapi simply replied, making Jin widen his eyes at his friend, now him being the one who couldn’t believe such words had been uttered. “Don’t look like an idiot at me and go tell Kazuya how sorry you are. Tell it to him until he understands. Repeat to him that you love him until he believes you. It’s the only thing you can do.” He shrugged, like it was the most normal thing to do.
To… tell Kazuya that he loves him? No, he couldn’t do that. He didn’t want to hurt Kazuya even more with his words. That’s why he had chosen to ask Jun a favor and had changed Kazuya’s job to his former one. That’s why he had ignored the ting of guilt from his heart and acted for the past couple days like he didn’t know Kazuya and didn’t even want to. That’s why…
“But…” Jin wanted to say something but stopped and the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. “But I can’t.” he sighed with a defeated expression on his face.
“Sure you can.” Pi smiled gently and when their eyes met, he continued. “If you love him, the only thing you can do is to fight for him. Try to understand him and think at his situation before acting, Bakanishi.” He chuckled and Jin’s lips curled up a bit. “I’m sure that Kazuya won’t blame you if you act sincerely and try to explain your feelings.” He added, smiling wider and knowing that Jin’s confidence was bit by bit coming back.
Because Pi was right. He had to fight for Kazuya, right? Not to give up without a fight, without telling the younger his feelings. In the worst case, he’ll be rejected for the following two months but after that, he’ll finally be able to let go of Kazuya and his feelings if they’ll never see each other again. After all, he had been sure at some point that Kazuya also feels something for Jin. He was sure that Kazuya wouldn’t have kissed him back if he didn’t.
He only hoped that he hadn’t destroyed all of those feelings with the last stunt he had pulled.
“Let’s go, we have a lot of talking to do!” Jin said, throwing his fist into the air and laughing with his friend.
He will win Kazuya back. He had to do it and to show the younger that he loves him.
This was the only end possible for them.
*
Kazuya never thought he’d feel this way ever again, to feel this crushed, alone and insignificant in life. But he had been wrong and he had been stupid in believing that pigs fly and that there are pink clouds. Of course, he from all should have been aware that such things are only myths and that he was fooling himself, but… still, was it wrong to hope? Was it wrong to dream? Yes, in his case, it was wrong. Because he had tried to fly higher than he was allowed, he had dared to dream of the large sky when in fact… he wasn’t a bird, he was just like the butterflies, living his day.
And now he was paying the consequences, feeling like nobody, feeling tired. But he needed to move on, he needed to look forward because poor people weren’t allowed one moment of weakness and he still had Yuuya to take care of. His little brother should be Kazuya’s sole concern and not some snobby stars like Akanishi Jin and his friends.
Maybe he had said to Jin too much that night and all these were clawing back at him, making him unable to face the man. And maybe… he felt bad for what he had said. After all, Jin wasn’t at fault that Kazuya wasn’t that wealthy - no, Kazuya was poor - but still he should have thought a little of him. But Jin never paid attention to whom Kazuya was, he only thought of himself and his greedy needs. And he had hurt the younger even though it was difficult to admit this.
It was already the third day since that night and Kazuya was once more awake at five o’clock, cursing his body and mind for getting used to such a routine. But this time he didn’t linger anymore in bed and he quickly got off, beginning to do some exercises before making up his bed. He was determined to face the rest of the remaining days of the movie with his head held up high, even with Jin ignoring him.
Yes, Jin didn’t acknowledge his presence anymore. Also he wasn’t his assistant either, though he hadn’t quite recovered after the news from the day following the actor’s birthday. He was still dealing with the fact that he wasn’t Jin’s assistant and the shock he had had when he heard Jun’s words was still present. And for a moment he had wanted to ask why but he had thought better and had just let it slid away. All the worst for the best.
This should have had him happy and relieved, but Kazuya had felt none of those. It had only made him feel worse and abandoned. Of course, Jin would finally ask Jun to remove him from his position, but still… Kazuya had hoped. The younger one scoffed in spite of himself, thinking that lately his middle name had been hope. Since Jin entered in his life, Kazuya had forgotten about real life and its problems and this had been his great mistake. Great, now he was once more feeling disappointed and even more hurt.
When he had had to stay and watch the scene Jin had to re-do, Kazuya thought that this was divine punishment. Otherwise he didn’t know how should he call it. Yet he had steeled himself against any external reaction, letting no one to see that inside of him there was a storm taking place and that he was right in the middle of it. But he had never expected the cold shoulder Jin had given to him - like he was there for simple use. He never expected Jin to ignore him or to act like he wasn’t there. His heart had clenched but he had played his part accordingly to Jin’s new rules. After all, everything will end soon and they will not be obliged to cross each other’s path ever again.
And Kazuya was determined to face the rest of the remaining days of the movie with his head held up high, even with Jin ignoring him. After all, he hadn’t done anything wrong and still he considered this situation the best even if pain would claw at his heart from time to time. So he got ready for a new day of work and when he took out the agenda from his drawer, Kazuya noticed the silky little bag and a long box near it. The younger sat on the bed with a sad expression as he took those two items and passed his fingers over them.
“Fool.” Kazuya said and opened the bag, taking out of it the exactly same pinky ring as the one Jin was wearing - the difference being that his was silver colored while Jin’s was golden. He had seen these stupid accessories on his hectic day of shopping with Yuuya and when he said to the shop-assistant that he only wanted the golden ring, she told him that those came in pair and cannot be sold separated. At first, Kazuya had wanted to give up and not buy them but his brother had convinced him to do so; after all, Jin wasn’t supposed to know that there was another pair of the exactly same ring, right? And he bought them together with his heart beating faster and thinking that this might be stupid but he did enjoy the idea of sharing something with Jin - only the two of them.
Now thinking on those feelings, Kazuya realized once more how stupid he had been and how ashamed he had felt when Jin asked him about the brand. The younger dropped the ring back in the bag and sighed as his eyes laid on the box. He didn’t want to open that too - it would be again painful. So he simply caressed the box and put both of them back in the drawer. He’ll cherish them as the broken pieces of his hope.
As the drawer closed with a deaf sound, Kazuya turned his back and he was ready to work and… to forget that Jin existed.
One hour later, Kazuya was heading already towards the studio. Everyone seemed already used to see him without Jin and he greeted them like he would normally do. He will do his work even if that meant he was going to tear his heart out. After all, he was this type of person, the one that will forsake everything for the sake of work and his brother. There was nothing more important than Yuuya and being able to work. For such things, he will do his best and even be a robot if he had to.
Yet he wondered if Jin will be late this day too. Yesterday he had been fifteen minutes later than he should have and although Kazuya was doing the same as Jin - which was ignoring each other - he couldn’t help but to take notice of such things. He quite got used to this feeling - maybe he had become numb against it and the younger couldn’t be more pleased because of it. Even if there were moments when he’d feel a sudden pain as his eyes fleetingly met Jin, Kazuya concluded that it was better this way and indeed it eased his job. And now he was already at the studio and waiting to start everything, though the actors were still about to come. The younger checked his watch and found himself really curious about Jin’s arrival. Will the actor be able for once to be on time?
But as he let his hand down and looked at the entrance, the door opened and Jin entered in the studio. Kazuya blinked once, twice and he checked his watch again, staring at it unbelievable. Jin had actually managed to arrive earlier! With ten minutes even!! The younger was quite shocked, but the greater shock was when he looked up again and his eyes met Jin’s and… they kept staring back.
W-what?!
Kazuya’s heart leaped into his stomach and he found himself feeling a little excited about this thing. Then Jin gave his almost heart-attack. The actor waved at him and beamed happily.
WHAT?!
Kazuya blinked a few times confused and turned to look behind him. There was no one except him. Then he looked in his left, maybe his eyes were deceiving him! No one. Maybe to his right - again no one. He found himself looking back at Jin and the actor seemed amused by his reaction making Kazuya grit his teeth, though he didn’t wave or smile back at Jin, but simply gave a nod. No matter how much he would’ve liked to ignore the actor as he had done the last couple of days, he had to maintain at least a certain image for the actor and himself.
Kazuya watched how Jin practically hopped to the Director Jun, looking extraordinarily happy about something. Also, there was that foolish grin of his that made Kazuya’s heart skip a beat and not really giving him peace. He stopped himself from staring at those two, especially at Jin who for Kazuya had sprang two heads all of a sudden and was shouting DOOMSDAY! - really, it wasn’t funny. Not after the younger had finally got used to this kind of cold treatment and he had come to a resolve, one that didn’t include Akanishi Jin.
Kazuya sighed and made a turn but he just saw Jin looking at him and he froze. The actor winked and beamed once more, giving the younger another heart attack. Flustered and confused, Kazuya turned his back and went to see of his work, not really liking Jin’s sudden change. What was all this shit?! What was Jin trying to pull? After two days of ignoring him and making him go through such much agony - really, did he agonize so much?! - the actor thought that some pretty smile and a friendly attitude will change everything? No fucking way!
Yet he still glanced as he saw Jin passing on the other side of the room and his heart stilled, hoping, no, thinking that he might come to him. But the actor headed to his dressing room and Kazuya sighed relieved and disappointed in the same time.
But Kazuya didn’t have time to dwell on such contradictory feelings as the Director shouted for everyone to get to work as they would start filming in twenty minutes. And for a few hours they just did this with brief breaks in which Kazuya was getting more and more confused. Jin was doing his best at acting and it was showing - the filming went smoothly and everyone was smiling along with the actor when he had a break. Apparently, Jin was in a great mood because he kept telling jokes, laughed a lot and his eyes still burnt holes in Kazuya’s body. But Kazuya didn’t want to be swayed by that big grin or that happy aura, so he simply shrugged each time Jin’s eyes would twinkle in his direction and he’d smile at him warmly.
Because Kazuya was already having trouble with his own stupid mind that seemed to stupidly give in as his own heart kept beating faster and there were butterflies dancing in his stomach. All he could do was to pray for this day to be over and to head back home as quickly as possible and hide underneath his blanket, away from Jin’s confusing attitude and his fucking smile.
Yet Kazuya should have known better because Jin was not going to film all day and there will be a time when he’ll simply loiter around. And what better thing to do than to come over and annoy him a bit? The younger saw him heading into his direction already and though he would have liked to run away, his feet were rooted to the ground and his heart expectantly waited for Jin to approach him.
“Hi.” Jin said with a sweet voice as soon as he stopped in front of the younger, his eyes darting from right to left, fumbling with his fingers and fidgeting nervously. It was obvious that Jin was having problems keeping his calm and seemed too excited for a simple greeting.
Kazuya looked at him, his expression unreadable. “Hello.” He replied and turned to watch the scene that was now taking place. If he wasn’t Jin’s assistant anymore, he had to pay attention to the other actors and to all the details so that everything would come out as perfect. Or at least as perfect as it could be.
Jin didn’t seem to be discouraged by Kazuya’s behavior and he continued to smile as he had been doing the whole day, showing how happy he was. “Can we talk?” he asked, this time his tone seeming a little unsure as his eyes continued to study Kazuya’s every feature. “Alone, I mean.” He then proceeded to add, knowing that Kazuya will immediately say that they were already talking.
Kazuya turned to look at Jin again, his eyes searching his face as if the actor was trying to pull a prank on him. “I’m working right now.” He said with a monotone voice and noted something on his agenda. Really, what Jin wanted right now? Didn’t he have already fun with Kazuya? Didn’t he cause enough pain to Kazuya? Was he going for more? Damn, just leave me alone, the younger thought with a sigh that wasn’t shown.
“Please, it won’t take long.” Jin insisted and looked at Kazuya with puppy eyes. After all, he was famous for his stubbornness and Jin wasn’t going to back down that easily. Not until he got what he wanted.
“I’m not your assistant anymore, so please let me do my work in peace.” Kazuya retorted and hated himself for the bitter tone he just used. He really hoped that this remark won’t give Jin ideas. And honestly… couldn’t have he shut up and simply ignored him?! Why did his emotions surface just now? Kazuya was at loss and he was digging his own grave.
Even if Jin noticed anything, his face didn’t show it and the smile never disappeared from his face. “I know you’re not my assistant anymore.” He said with a light tone, like this didn’t mean anything. And, well, it didn’t, not for Jin though. For him, it was just like things had been reset and the game started again. But this time, with different implications and heavier feelings. “And that’s why I’m asking for a favor.” He added, tilting his head a little.
And the fact that for Jin it wasn’t a big deal that he wasn’t his assistant made Kazuya feel angry. “Then I’m sorry, Akanishi-san, but I can’t do you this favor.” He replied politely and coolly.
Jin just smiled, even more sweetly that it was almost devilish. “Kazuya, come with me or I’ll start screaming that you just confessed to have stolen my underwear and sold it on internet.” He threatened with the first thing that came to mind - and it was also true, if you wanted to know, it had happened to him before.
Kazuya stared back, blinking owlishly before doing the most logical thing he should have done since Jin came up to him. He turned his back on the actor and moved away from him as quickly as possible, but not as quick as to seem he was running from Jin. Because in fact… he was really doing this.
“Hey!” Jin said with an outraged tone as he followed Kazuya and grabbed his hand, pulling the boy after him without saying any word. Let him scream now if he wanted to. And then he’ll have some explaining to do for why he ruined the scene that was filming in that moment.
But Kazuya only yelped and tried to pull his hand away from Jin’s grip, not daring to do anything more, afraid he’ll cause a scene and everyone’s eyes would be on them if they weren’t already, seeing that Jin hadn’t bothered to keep his tone lower when he had called for him. “Let me go!” he said with a hiss, feeling that his skin burned from where Jin was touching him.
“Not a chance.” Jin replied, not even bothering to look back at Kazuya as he headed to his dressing room, opening the door and pushing the younger in before closing the door and settling in front of it, his arms crossed and the usual smile plastered on his face. “Now this is better.” He sang with a happy voice.
“Nothing’s better, so move aside.” Kazuya said, rubbing his wrist and feeling weird all of a sudden. He hadn’t been in here for a few days but it seemed like it had passed a year or something like that. The nostalgia swept over him and he remembered that here was when Jin kissed him the first time. He could still feel the lingering sensation the actor’s lips had on his own. Wait, why the fuck was he recalling such a stupid thing - a mistake?! Kazuya closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but wrong move - Jin’s scent filled his nostrils and he almost choked on the emotion that gushed straight at him. Kazuya glared at Jin - it was all his fault.
“Kazuya, you know as well as I do that I won’t give up until you listen to me, so can you please listen?” Jin asked with a slight tired voice, not really wanting to do what he had in mind which was to stop Kazuya from leaving with his own body because he had no intention on seeing how would that develop, if he’ll be kissed or hit.
The younger scowled and turned his back on Jin, plopping himself on the couch, his arms crossed at his chest. “I’m listening.” He said, though he was looking straight at the wall in front of him, not sparing Jin even a glance. Kazuya was also tired and he didn’t want to stay there any longer, not when the room seemed to close in on him and to remind him that there were things that happened here, things between him and Jin, things that he’d rather forget.
Jin seemed to become nervous yet again as he looked at Kazuya and tried to find his words. He hadn’t really thought at what he was going to say, he just knew that he wanted to talk to Kazuya and decided to tell the younger that he loved him and that he will fight for his love, that he will try to make him see that Jin really cared about him. But… what now?
“I wanted to say again that I’m sorry. That I was a jerk and I didn’t realize what all of this meant to you. I’m sorry that I hurt you and acted like that with you.” He started, taking a short breath between each sentence to gather more courage. “And I know that no matter what I say, it won’t change anything. But I wanted you to know this.”
Kazuya nodded and rose from the couch. Of course Jin would apologize again and remind Kazuya of all he wanted to forget, why wouldn’t he do that? “That’s all?” he asked with a calm expression that betrayed of nothing that he felt inside. Emotions like pain, rage, disillusion and disappointment. All of these were locked inside his heart.
“No, so sit back.” Jin replied, biting his lip in uncertainty and fearing what would come next.
Kazuya cocked an eyebrow at Jin and sighed tiredly. “It’s taking too much and I have work to do now.” He said, but he did resume his place back on the couch. Why did he do that, Kazuya wasn’t sure, but he felt that it was better to listen to Jin when he was sitting on something than standing. He might crash down again; at least sitting no one will notice his fall.
“I thought a lot of what happened these past few days. These past few months.” Jin said, raising his head and looking at Kazuya. “And I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.” He laughed of himself, bringing a hand to his hair and ruffling it in nervousness. “I know you now believe that I’m a jerk but please believe me when I say that I didn’t mean for this to happen. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you.” He confessed with a small voice as he took one step towards the couch. “I felt guilty and I couldn’t believe myself that I was that insensitive and careless.” One more step. “I thought and I thought and I couldn’t understand why was my heart hurting that much.” Another one. “I tried to keep my distance from you, to do what you said and stay away from you. That’s why I asked Jun to give you back your old job.” Jin confessed, now sitting at a few inches from the couch, his eyes still locked on Kazuya. “I thought that it was for the best.” He laughed again, feeling silly. “Only that it didn’t work.” He shook his head, thinking how stupid all of these sounded. But he had to go on. Once he had started this, he couldn’t back down anymore.
“So I’ve come to a decision.” Jin said with determination, his head held up high to show that he was fully confident that he was now doing the right thing.
Kazuya looked up at Jin, up until now not daring to do so, especially since his heart kept skipping beats as he heard Jin getting closer to where he was. At first he felt like moving further, but he stayed on his spot, his hands clasped together so tightly that his knuckles had gone white. Kazuya wasn’t sure what decision Jin had come to, but somehow it set his heart on beating faster and his body won’t listen to him anymore, neither his mouth. “What decision?” he croaked, hating himself because he didn’t want to ask such a thing, he wanted to tell Jin that he doesn’t want to hear his decision, that he was fed up with all that meant Akanishi Jin. But he didn’t say anything like this and somehow, Kazuya dreaded to hear what Jin concluded.
“That I can’t give up. That I don’t want to give up and that I won’t.” the singer replied, a wide smile adorning his lips. He bit his tongue and looked with uncertain eyes at Kazuya, not knowing how will the younger one react to this. “I decided that I must do anything to show that I love you and to make you fall in love with me.” He finally said the words which were clenching his soul, fearing what has Kazuya to say about this.
PART TWO
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: Akame, Ryokame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to find out.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Happy New Yeaaaaaar!!! <3 <3 <3 <3
may 2012 be a better year than 2011 ^o^
Chapter Seven
Seventh Song ~ Miracle
I want this passionate emotion to reach you,
Come into my life. Make it so, miracle, miracle
A fragile, brittle promise
Your words of love, your gaze; don't break this miracle.
Sometimes… life isn’t fair. Most of the time it isn’t. Yin and Yang, black and white, these contradictions exist to make us special, to be able to say that we’re different because of some tiny little thing from the one next to us. And it’s good because these contradictions are what make life interesting and more enjoyable. These are the reason we wake up in the morning, because each day is another opportunity to discover something different than us, maybe the total opposite or maybe something unimportant but which will totally fascinate us.
But then comes life. And it says that not everything can be only black and white and it suddenly decides that there should also exist good and evil, happiness and sadness, smiles and tears. Poverty and richness. We can’t fight it, we can’t do anything about it. We can only fall into its traps and let it chose a category for us, to decide how hard or easy will our life be.
And so it destroys our perfect dreams.
The next day was awful. Jin hadn’t managed to sleep too much the night before and he was already up at seven in the morning even if he had gone home somewhere around 2 o’clock in the morning. The image of Kazuya crying had been haunting him since and he couldn’t even close his eyes without thinking at what a jerk he had been.
How couldn’t he see it? Kazuya had obviously been uncomfortable and he had tried to refuse Jin, but he had thought that it was only because he didn’t like Jin at first. After that, he had just assumed that Kazuya was embarrassed or something equally stupid like that. And yes, he knew that Kazuya wasn’t exactly wealthy, but this didn’t mean he was poor right? This just meant that he had a smaller house than Jin. A less fancy car. A smaller bank account and less zeros to write on checks.
He had never suspected that it would bother the younger one that much.
And, after all, why? Why was he to blame just because he had wanted to buy Kazuya lunch? He understood that the assistant wasn’t used to treatments like that, but Jin had offered to pay for him so the least he could have done was to taste the food, not to throw it away like that.
And what about the watch? It was a fancy watch, but it was sport and you could easily wear it with anything in your dresser. No one would have noticed that Jin had spent on that watch almost as much as some people spend on their houses - not that Jin was aware of this particular thing though. And Kazuya had accepted it in the end and he had even been delighted by it - and Jin could clearly remember a certain moment which made that day memorable in his eyes, also being a cause of that gift if you asked Jin. It was a great gift - even if it might have been a little expensive for Kazuya, but nevertheless, a great gift!! Why was he blamed again for buying it then?
“What?” Jin growled into the phone, annoyed that it hadn’t stopped ringing since he left the club. All of his friends were worried - especially the ones who were supposed to spend the night at his place - but Jin wasn’t in the mood to talk with anyone so he simply chose to ignore their calls. The only one he had answered was Pi to tell him that he was okay and that he needed to be alone for a while. It seemed that his best friend didn’t need any more words and had taken care of everything else.
“I need you tonight at seven. There’s been a mistake with a scene and you have to re-do it. Be there, Bakanishi.” Was all that Jun said before hanging up the phone. Jin just rolled his eyes and sighed in defeat at his friend’s enthusiasm to work after a night of partying.
And what was with tonight anyway? Kazuya had been the one to show unexpected after he had told Jin he had plans with Yuuya. Kazuya had been the one to kiss that bitch - with all the regret Jin was saying this because Rachel was still his friend though - and he chose to make out with her exactly at Jin’s birthday party!! Well, isn’t that a delight? Even more after Kazuya knew perfectly well what does Jin feel for him!
He sighed. This was getting him nowhere and the clock already showed 1 p.m. He should just take a shower and go to work to see what did Jun want from him. And… he should keep his promise to Kazuya and cut all his connections with the younger.
With this thought in mind, Jin entered the set two hours later, trying to smile but not succeeding so well as he felt tired and the fact that he hadn’t slept was finally catching up with him. The staff was throwing his weird glances as they were all surprised to see Jin on the set with a few hours earlier than the time he was supposed to arrive, but Jin ignored all of them and immediately searched for Jun, sitting on a chair next to him, before his friend even had time to acknowledge him. “Yo.” He said, his lips curling up a bit as he looked at the director.
Jun turned slowly towards the singer, seeming to study him for a moment, and Jin had the feeling that he was shrinking under Jun’s inquiring eyes. “Hi.” He finally answered, turning back to the script as he wanted to take advantage that the set was being changed and there were no actors to bug him. Well, except one.
“I need a favor.” Jin cut to the chase and said directly what he wanted. “I want you to give back Kazuya’s old job.”
Jun cocked an eyebrow, looking at Jin like he had grown two heads and had become a specimen which needed to be researched. He had only heard rumors about what happened at Jin’s party, but he couldn’t trust them - even less if one of them was saying that Jin fucked someone and the girl complained that he didn’t do a good job - so he was still waiting for the official version. “Why?” he simply asked, knowing that it’s better to let Jin have his way until he finally spills it out.
Jin bit his lower lip and looked at Jun with puppy eyes, saying that he doesn’t want to talk about this. Jun’s eyebrow lifted even further, disappearing between his locks and making Jin whimper. The singer needed a couple of minutes to finally sigh and give up in favor of his friend. “I had a fight with Kazuya last night.” He confessed, avoiding Jun’s eyes. “And I realized that I was selfish and I shouldn’t make him do these things if he doesn’t want to.” He sighed again and leaned back on the chair, stretching his legs in front of him and trying to make himself more comfortable. Only if he could. But it was impossible with the sharp knife in his heart that he himself had plunged there.
Jun didn’t say anything for a while, contemplating his friend’s words. “You are selfish.” He admitted and made Jin frown. “But you did the right thing in giving Kazuya that job.” He continued with a smile, laughing when he saw Jin’s confused expression. “Kazuya has a great talent and he’s destined for things greater than this. I think the experience with you has helped him grow up a little.”
Jin had no idea how to answer to this. Maybe he had indeed helped Kazuya but it was so little when you compared it with the damage he had done. The scene with the flowers came into Jin’s mind and he felt the need to squish himself on that chair, to make himself so small that no one would see him or his shame. Kazuya’s tears destroyed everything that Jin could have done good for him.
“Do you still want to do this?”
Jin looked at his friend unsure, once again not knowing what to do. But no, he wasn’t allowed to go back on his word. He had to keep his promise to Kazuya no matter what. If this was what the younger wanted him to do… then fine. So be it.
“Yes.”
It was for Kazuya’s own good after all.
*
It was getting late and Jin was getting bored. He had been sitting on the same chair for about two hours, waiting for his turn and to leave that place as soon as possible. The worst part was that he couldn’t blame anyone because he had been the one to come earlier at work as the Einstein that he was. He couldn’t do anything but wait and hope that he won’t see anyone that he didn’t want to.
He had taken measures for that too, seeing as he hadn’t left his dressing room not even once for the past hours and had sat hiding there and smoking cigar after cigar, hoping that he’ll manage to calm his nerves. But he couldn’t. He only had one scene for that day, but what was he supposed to do if he’ll see Kazuya? How was he supposed to talk with him? And the most important thing, what should he say first?
He had no idea and the hours that he had spent alone didn’t do him any good as Jin hadn’t managed to reach a conclusion yet. And it seemed that it was time to face the truth, Jin thought as he nodded to the woman that came to announce him that he must be on set in five minutes.
He sighed and raised himself from the couch, straightening his clothes and heading for the door. Everything seemed weird today, he noticed. Maybe it was because he had become used to be all the time with Kazuya, to hear Kazuya calling him to go on set and to see Kazuya planning his schedule or scolding him because Jin wasn’t serious. It seemed that the only thing he could remember from the past month since he had come back to Japan was Kazuya and Kazuya only.
Life officially sucked.
He took a deep breath and opened the door which led to the set, a wide smile already plastered on his lips as he entered. It lasted just two seconds. That was all he needed to spot Kazuya and it seemed that the younger had seen him too as their eyes met even if they were far away from each other.
“Oh, God.” Jin mumbled to himself, panicking and not knowing what to do.
So he ran away. He pretended to not have seen Kazuya and had continued to walk towards him, passing the assistant without saying a word. He smiled to Jun and acted like nothing happened.
But it did.
And it hurt.
*
It hurt his ears. He didn’t want to hear it anymore, he didn’t want to wake up yet. He lazily got out a hand and started to hit whatever he fumbled upon, not caring enough to open his eyes and stop that damn watch. It was too early for him and he vaguely remembered what time was when he went to bed. Just an hour, he could afford sleeping one more hour. They could manage without him for an hour, it wasn’t like he was the lead actor or something like that.
Jin needed one more hour of alarms ringing to finally realize that he really was the lead actor and that he needed to get up his ass or he’ll be late. He didn’t bother to shower and just dressed himself in a hurry, not forgetting to take his keys this time - even if the wallet had remained on the table where he had put it a day before.
In the end, he had managed to be late only fifteen minutes. He just looked at Jun with a look that said he already knows and dashed to his dressing room, only then taking a moment to breathe. The clock said six in the morning and they had one hour to get ready with their clothes and make-up so Jin could slow down a little now. He could stop now and think at how fast was his heart beating only at the thought that he’ll see Kazuya again. He hadn’t seen him when he came, but then again, he hadn’t seen anyone considering how quickly he had disappeared in his dressing room to avoid any uncomfortable meetings.
The day was just starting. But Jin was determined to avoid Kazuya at any cost and to run from him if he happened to see him close by.
*
“Open this door or I’m going to break it down.”
Jin growled, annoyed and tired and not being in the mood for any visitors, no matter who they were. But he knew better than to ignore Pi and he was aware of the fact that his friend didn’t need anything more to do what he had threatened. So he lazily got off bed and dragged his feet after him to the door, opening it and turning his back to Yamapi to go to the kitchen and fetch two bottles of beer from the fridge.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Pi asked with an upset tone as he followed Jin to the living room and watched him put one bottle of beer on the table for Pi to take and opening the other one, gulping down half of it.
“What can I say?” Jin shrugged, like his behavior was totally normal.
Pi groaned. “Jin, you left from your birthday party after fighting with Kazuya and you didn’t bother to return any of my calls since then. I think I deserve an explanation.” He demanded, posting himself in front of Jin and crossing his arms while cocking an eyebrow to show how serious he was.
“I was busy.” The singer replied with an indifferent tone.
Pi suppressed a scream of annoyance. “Jin, tell me the truth or I swear I’ll find out myself and it won’t be as nice as it could be if you talk.” He resorted to threatening, seeing as anything else didn’t work.
The singer bit his lower lip and looked up at his friend. He hadn’t talked about his feelings with anyone and he had chosen to die buried with this secret. It was one thing to tell Jun that he liked Kazuya and that he might be interested in him, but it was a totally different thing to say that he was in love with the assistant and that he couldn’t get him out of his head. He wondered what will Pi think. How will he react if he suddenly confessed that he’s gay and has fallen for a guy. He would be shocked, of course, but… would he accept Jin?
It was kind of funny though. When he had first arrived in America and made some gay friends, Jin had been totally cool with it, thinking that this was America and besides the different customs that they have, they also have different ways of living. Homosexuality wasn’t that unusual in America but you could lose your job in Japan if anyone would know that you were gay. You’d be abandoned and left alone for the rest of your life. Your family would also be accused for raising you this way.
It couldn’t even be compared.
“I hurt him.” Jin said with a small voice, his eyes lowered down and studying his shoes while his fingers were playing with the bottle from his hands.
But this was Yamapi, he was Jin’s best friend since he could remember. Jin was sure that Pi would understand him and not banish him for having feelings for a guy.
“I hurt him,” Jin repeated as he looked up at Pi again, “and I don’t know what to do now.” He confessed with a broken voice, his head falling back on his chest again.
Yamapi fell silent for a moment before he finally took a step towards Jin and sat down, next to him, his arms hanging around Jin’s shoulders. “Tell me what happened.” He asked with a quiet voice, like he didn’t want to scare Jin away.
And Jin did. He told him about his first meeting with Kazuya and of how annoyed he had been with the younger, resulting in asking Jun to let him be his assistant. He told Pi what happened every morning when Kazuya came to wake him up and how they would sometimes turn to moves less normal and more provocative. He didn’t leave anything out, talking about how he had realized that he liked Kazuya and tried to give him gifts only to make the boy upset with him. How he had asked Kazuya to spend his birthday with him but he had refused and said that he had plans. The present he had given to Jin and their short make out scene on the first floor of the club. Their fight and Kazuya’s leaving.
The fact that he was actually in love with Kazuya.
Pi didn’t say anything as Jin continued to recount the past month and every thing that happened and that led to this situation. He didn’t flinch when Jin confessed that he loves the boy, already suspecting this after hearing his friend talking with that gentle and caring tone about the younger one. He didn’t reject him when Jin finished his story and sighed deeply, he just brought him closer and caught him into a hug to show his friend that he was there for him.
“You’re really stupid.” Pi whispered in the silence of the room, feeling Jin shivering in his arms.
“I know.” The other replied with a defeated voice. “But I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. I want to leave him alone as he wants but I also don’t want to lose him.” He sighed again and cuddled more into Yamapi’s arms. “I love him, Pi.” He said with a broken tone. “I’ve never loved anyone in my life.”
“Well, it just means that you’ve finally grown up.” His friend chuckled and Jin felt the need to roll his eyes. “Listen to me,” he then said with a serious voice, “and think really carefully at this.” He warned and waited to receive a nod before continuing. “Kazuya is not from out world.” He explained, choosing to say the boy’s first name to let Jin know that he doesn’t have any problem with him. “He works to earn his bread, not for fun how we do it.”
“I know, but…”
“No, you don’t.” Pi scolded the actor, detaching himself from his friend and shifting on the couch to look into Jin’s eyes. “You don’t understand how it’s like to live every day not knowing what will tomorrow bring. You don’t know the real meaning of the word money.” He said, sounding like he knew perfectly well what his words mean and Jin also knew that if there was anyone who had the right to talk to him about the importance of love and money, then Pi was the only one. After all, he himself had been in such a love a long time ago.
“But… it’s not my fault. I never did anything to deserve this.”
“No, you didn’t.” Pi smiled gently. “But you didn’t really do anything to understand Kazuya too.” He added with a caring and patient voice. “Come on.” He then said, raising up from the couch and stretching his hand towards Jin to pull him up.
“Where are we going?” Jin asked baffled, not really understanding if their discussion was over or not.
“To make you understand better.” The younger director simply replied as he pushed Jin out of the door and dragged him to the car.
They needed more than one hour to get to their destination - that was also because of the fact that Yamapi had no idea where he was going and needed a lot of directions from whoever he had called to give him the address - and the traffic made the road even harder. Jin had complained the whole time that he wanted to know where they were going and when he understood that he wasn’t going to find out anything, he chose to whine about being hungry and thirsty and wanting to go home.
Oh, boy.
Jin shut up only when the neighborhood started to change and from the usual streets of Tokyo, they entered smaller and darker ones, dirty streets which made Jin think that there were big chances of being attacked by thugs and killed or maybe kidnapped for ransom. Pi had chosen to ignore him the whole time and drove further into the dark streets, stopping from time to time to ask if it was the correct way. This was proven to be quite difficult as there were few people at that time of the night and even less unsuspicious ones. He stopped the car on a secluded alley and dragged Jin out, making him walk for another five minutes until they stopped in front of a building.
“Pi, what are we doing here?” Jin asked with a whiny voice, fear being obvious in his tone and even more as they were alone at night and their car wasn’t near. “Where are we?”
The other ignored him once again and this time Jin proceeded to pout, but kept letting himself be dragged by Pi as he watched carefully the numbers of the doors and continued to climb the stairs, stopping after three floors. “This is where Kazuya lives.” He finally said and a shocked gasp left Jin’s mouth. “Imagine now that you sent him one thousand flowers.” He added and smiled gently at Jin while the singer felt the guilt clutching his heart again.
He couldn’t believe this. Kazuya was… living in such a place? He had always known that he wasn’t rich, but Jin had never imagined that Kazuya was that poor. He had never imagined that such a thing was possible and had never believed that there really were people living like that. How should he have known? All he had known all of his life had been money and the power to do whatever he had wanted to.
He was an idiot.
“Come on.” Pi said again, pulling on Jin’s arm to drag him out of there, not wanting to meet with Kazuya in their little expedition. As soon as they were outside, they stopped and looked once more at the dirty building. Pi glanced at his friend and saw tears threatening to fall from Jin’s eyes as the singer looked carefully at the place where Kazuya’s apartment was, not wanting to believe that the younger really was somewhere behind those doors. It couldn’t be.
But it was true.
“How are you feeling?” the younger one asked concerned.
Jin sniffed and looked at Pi with a guilty expression. “Horrible.” Was his answer as his tears were becoming more stubborn and didn’t want to disappear from his eyes.
“Do you understand now?” Pi continued to ask and Jin nodded his head. “Then you know it’s better this way and I’m sure that you now realized that you weren’t in love with him because you actually didn’t know him and…”
“I love him.”
“And now you’ll…” he stopped. “What?” Pi asked, not being able to believe he had just heard right.
“I still love him, Pi.” Jin repeated, this time looking straight into Yamapi’s eyes and showing all the hurt and helplessness that he was feeling. “I love him and now I want to scream at myself for how stupid I was!!” he raised his tone, furious and mad and with a maddening desire to hit himself until he can’t feel a thing anymore. It hurt too much. He had never felt such a crushing pain until now.
What had he done?
“Then do it.” Yamapi simply replied, making Jin widen his eyes at his friend, now him being the one who couldn’t believe such words had been uttered. “Don’t look like an idiot at me and go tell Kazuya how sorry you are. Tell it to him until he understands. Repeat to him that you love him until he believes you. It’s the only thing you can do.” He shrugged, like it was the most normal thing to do.
To… tell Kazuya that he loves him? No, he couldn’t do that. He didn’t want to hurt Kazuya even more with his words. That’s why he had chosen to ask Jun a favor and had changed Kazuya’s job to his former one. That’s why he had ignored the ting of guilt from his heart and acted for the past couple days like he didn’t know Kazuya and didn’t even want to. That’s why…
“But…” Jin wanted to say something but stopped and the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. “But I can’t.” he sighed with a defeated expression on his face.
“Sure you can.” Pi smiled gently and when their eyes met, he continued. “If you love him, the only thing you can do is to fight for him. Try to understand him and think at his situation before acting, Bakanishi.” He chuckled and Jin’s lips curled up a bit. “I’m sure that Kazuya won’t blame you if you act sincerely and try to explain your feelings.” He added, smiling wider and knowing that Jin’s confidence was bit by bit coming back.
Because Pi was right. He had to fight for Kazuya, right? Not to give up without a fight, without telling the younger his feelings. In the worst case, he’ll be rejected for the following two months but after that, he’ll finally be able to let go of Kazuya and his feelings if they’ll never see each other again. After all, he had been sure at some point that Kazuya also feels something for Jin. He was sure that Kazuya wouldn’t have kissed him back if he didn’t.
He only hoped that he hadn’t destroyed all of those feelings with the last stunt he had pulled.
“Let’s go, we have a lot of talking to do!” Jin said, throwing his fist into the air and laughing with his friend.
He will win Kazuya back. He had to do it and to show the younger that he loves him.
This was the only end possible for them.
*
Kazuya never thought he’d feel this way ever again, to feel this crushed, alone and insignificant in life. But he had been wrong and he had been stupid in believing that pigs fly and that there are pink clouds. Of course, he from all should have been aware that such things are only myths and that he was fooling himself, but… still, was it wrong to hope? Was it wrong to dream? Yes, in his case, it was wrong. Because he had tried to fly higher than he was allowed, he had dared to dream of the large sky when in fact… he wasn’t a bird, he was just like the butterflies, living his day.
And now he was paying the consequences, feeling like nobody, feeling tired. But he needed to move on, he needed to look forward because poor people weren’t allowed one moment of weakness and he still had Yuuya to take care of. His little brother should be Kazuya’s sole concern and not some snobby stars like Akanishi Jin and his friends.
Maybe he had said to Jin too much that night and all these were clawing back at him, making him unable to face the man. And maybe… he felt bad for what he had said. After all, Jin wasn’t at fault that Kazuya wasn’t that wealthy - no, Kazuya was poor - but still he should have thought a little of him. But Jin never paid attention to whom Kazuya was, he only thought of himself and his greedy needs. And he had hurt the younger even though it was difficult to admit this.
It was already the third day since that night and Kazuya was once more awake at five o’clock, cursing his body and mind for getting used to such a routine. But this time he didn’t linger anymore in bed and he quickly got off, beginning to do some exercises before making up his bed. He was determined to face the rest of the remaining days of the movie with his head held up high, even with Jin ignoring him.
Yes, Jin didn’t acknowledge his presence anymore. Also he wasn’t his assistant either, though he hadn’t quite recovered after the news from the day following the actor’s birthday. He was still dealing with the fact that he wasn’t Jin’s assistant and the shock he had had when he heard Jun’s words was still present. And for a moment he had wanted to ask why but he had thought better and had just let it slid away. All the worst for the best.
This should have had him happy and relieved, but Kazuya had felt none of those. It had only made him feel worse and abandoned. Of course, Jin would finally ask Jun to remove him from his position, but still… Kazuya had hoped. The younger one scoffed in spite of himself, thinking that lately his middle name had been hope. Since Jin entered in his life, Kazuya had forgotten about real life and its problems and this had been his great mistake. Great, now he was once more feeling disappointed and even more hurt.
When he had had to stay and watch the scene Jin had to re-do, Kazuya thought that this was divine punishment. Otherwise he didn’t know how should he call it. Yet he had steeled himself against any external reaction, letting no one to see that inside of him there was a storm taking place and that he was right in the middle of it. But he had never expected the cold shoulder Jin had given to him - like he was there for simple use. He never expected Jin to ignore him or to act like he wasn’t there. His heart had clenched but he had played his part accordingly to Jin’s new rules. After all, everything will end soon and they will not be obliged to cross each other’s path ever again.
And Kazuya was determined to face the rest of the remaining days of the movie with his head held up high, even with Jin ignoring him. After all, he hadn’t done anything wrong and still he considered this situation the best even if pain would claw at his heart from time to time. So he got ready for a new day of work and when he took out the agenda from his drawer, Kazuya noticed the silky little bag and a long box near it. The younger sat on the bed with a sad expression as he took those two items and passed his fingers over them.
“Fool.” Kazuya said and opened the bag, taking out of it the exactly same pinky ring as the one Jin was wearing - the difference being that his was silver colored while Jin’s was golden. He had seen these stupid accessories on his hectic day of shopping with Yuuya and when he said to the shop-assistant that he only wanted the golden ring, she told him that those came in pair and cannot be sold separated. At first, Kazuya had wanted to give up and not buy them but his brother had convinced him to do so; after all, Jin wasn’t supposed to know that there was another pair of the exactly same ring, right? And he bought them together with his heart beating faster and thinking that this might be stupid but he did enjoy the idea of sharing something with Jin - only the two of them.
Now thinking on those feelings, Kazuya realized once more how stupid he had been and how ashamed he had felt when Jin asked him about the brand. The younger dropped the ring back in the bag and sighed as his eyes laid on the box. He didn’t want to open that too - it would be again painful. So he simply caressed the box and put both of them back in the drawer. He’ll cherish them as the broken pieces of his hope.
As the drawer closed with a deaf sound, Kazuya turned his back and he was ready to work and… to forget that Jin existed.
One hour later, Kazuya was heading already towards the studio. Everyone seemed already used to see him without Jin and he greeted them like he would normally do. He will do his work even if that meant he was going to tear his heart out. After all, he was this type of person, the one that will forsake everything for the sake of work and his brother. There was nothing more important than Yuuya and being able to work. For such things, he will do his best and even be a robot if he had to.
Yet he wondered if Jin will be late this day too. Yesterday he had been fifteen minutes later than he should have and although Kazuya was doing the same as Jin - which was ignoring each other - he couldn’t help but to take notice of such things. He quite got used to this feeling - maybe he had become numb against it and the younger couldn’t be more pleased because of it. Even if there were moments when he’d feel a sudden pain as his eyes fleetingly met Jin, Kazuya concluded that it was better this way and indeed it eased his job. And now he was already at the studio and waiting to start everything, though the actors were still about to come. The younger checked his watch and found himself really curious about Jin’s arrival. Will the actor be able for once to be on time?
But as he let his hand down and looked at the entrance, the door opened and Jin entered in the studio. Kazuya blinked once, twice and he checked his watch again, staring at it unbelievable. Jin had actually managed to arrive earlier! With ten minutes even!! The younger was quite shocked, but the greater shock was when he looked up again and his eyes met Jin’s and… they kept staring back.
W-what?!
Kazuya’s heart leaped into his stomach and he found himself feeling a little excited about this thing. Then Jin gave his almost heart-attack. The actor waved at him and beamed happily.
WHAT?!
Kazuya blinked a few times confused and turned to look behind him. There was no one except him. Then he looked in his left, maybe his eyes were deceiving him! No one. Maybe to his right - again no one. He found himself looking back at Jin and the actor seemed amused by his reaction making Kazuya grit his teeth, though he didn’t wave or smile back at Jin, but simply gave a nod. No matter how much he would’ve liked to ignore the actor as he had done the last couple of days, he had to maintain at least a certain image for the actor and himself.
Kazuya watched how Jin practically hopped to the Director Jun, looking extraordinarily happy about something. Also, there was that foolish grin of his that made Kazuya’s heart skip a beat and not really giving him peace. He stopped himself from staring at those two, especially at Jin who for Kazuya had sprang two heads all of a sudden and was shouting DOOMSDAY! - really, it wasn’t funny. Not after the younger had finally got used to this kind of cold treatment and he had come to a resolve, one that didn’t include Akanishi Jin.
Kazuya sighed and made a turn but he just saw Jin looking at him and he froze. The actor winked and beamed once more, giving the younger another heart attack. Flustered and confused, Kazuya turned his back and went to see of his work, not really liking Jin’s sudden change. What was all this shit?! What was Jin trying to pull? After two days of ignoring him and making him go through such much agony - really, did he agonize so much?! - the actor thought that some pretty smile and a friendly attitude will change everything? No fucking way!
Yet he still glanced as he saw Jin passing on the other side of the room and his heart stilled, hoping, no, thinking that he might come to him. But the actor headed to his dressing room and Kazuya sighed relieved and disappointed in the same time.
But Kazuya didn’t have time to dwell on such contradictory feelings as the Director shouted for everyone to get to work as they would start filming in twenty minutes. And for a few hours they just did this with brief breaks in which Kazuya was getting more and more confused. Jin was doing his best at acting and it was showing - the filming went smoothly and everyone was smiling along with the actor when he had a break. Apparently, Jin was in a great mood because he kept telling jokes, laughed a lot and his eyes still burnt holes in Kazuya’s body. But Kazuya didn’t want to be swayed by that big grin or that happy aura, so he simply shrugged each time Jin’s eyes would twinkle in his direction and he’d smile at him warmly.
Because Kazuya was already having trouble with his own stupid mind that seemed to stupidly give in as his own heart kept beating faster and there were butterflies dancing in his stomach. All he could do was to pray for this day to be over and to head back home as quickly as possible and hide underneath his blanket, away from Jin’s confusing attitude and his fucking smile.
Yet Kazuya should have known better because Jin was not going to film all day and there will be a time when he’ll simply loiter around. And what better thing to do than to come over and annoy him a bit? The younger saw him heading into his direction already and though he would have liked to run away, his feet were rooted to the ground and his heart expectantly waited for Jin to approach him.
“Hi.” Jin said with a sweet voice as soon as he stopped in front of the younger, his eyes darting from right to left, fumbling with his fingers and fidgeting nervously. It was obvious that Jin was having problems keeping his calm and seemed too excited for a simple greeting.
Kazuya looked at him, his expression unreadable. “Hello.” He replied and turned to watch the scene that was now taking place. If he wasn’t Jin’s assistant anymore, he had to pay attention to the other actors and to all the details so that everything would come out as perfect. Or at least as perfect as it could be.
Jin didn’t seem to be discouraged by Kazuya’s behavior and he continued to smile as he had been doing the whole day, showing how happy he was. “Can we talk?” he asked, this time his tone seeming a little unsure as his eyes continued to study Kazuya’s every feature. “Alone, I mean.” He then proceeded to add, knowing that Kazuya will immediately say that they were already talking.
Kazuya turned to look at Jin again, his eyes searching his face as if the actor was trying to pull a prank on him. “I’m working right now.” He said with a monotone voice and noted something on his agenda. Really, what Jin wanted right now? Didn’t he have already fun with Kazuya? Didn’t he cause enough pain to Kazuya? Was he going for more? Damn, just leave me alone, the younger thought with a sigh that wasn’t shown.
“Please, it won’t take long.” Jin insisted and looked at Kazuya with puppy eyes. After all, he was famous for his stubbornness and Jin wasn’t going to back down that easily. Not until he got what he wanted.
“I’m not your assistant anymore, so please let me do my work in peace.” Kazuya retorted and hated himself for the bitter tone he just used. He really hoped that this remark won’t give Jin ideas. And honestly… couldn’t have he shut up and simply ignored him?! Why did his emotions surface just now? Kazuya was at loss and he was digging his own grave.
Even if Jin noticed anything, his face didn’t show it and the smile never disappeared from his face. “I know you’re not my assistant anymore.” He said with a light tone, like this didn’t mean anything. And, well, it didn’t, not for Jin though. For him, it was just like things had been reset and the game started again. But this time, with different implications and heavier feelings. “And that’s why I’m asking for a favor.” He added, tilting his head a little.
And the fact that for Jin it wasn’t a big deal that he wasn’t his assistant made Kazuya feel angry. “Then I’m sorry, Akanishi-san, but I can’t do you this favor.” He replied politely and coolly.
Jin just smiled, even more sweetly that it was almost devilish. “Kazuya, come with me or I’ll start screaming that you just confessed to have stolen my underwear and sold it on internet.” He threatened with the first thing that came to mind - and it was also true, if you wanted to know, it had happened to him before.
Kazuya stared back, blinking owlishly before doing the most logical thing he should have done since Jin came up to him. He turned his back on the actor and moved away from him as quickly as possible, but not as quick as to seem he was running from Jin. Because in fact… he was really doing this.
“Hey!” Jin said with an outraged tone as he followed Kazuya and grabbed his hand, pulling the boy after him without saying any word. Let him scream now if he wanted to. And then he’ll have some explaining to do for why he ruined the scene that was filming in that moment.
But Kazuya only yelped and tried to pull his hand away from Jin’s grip, not daring to do anything more, afraid he’ll cause a scene and everyone’s eyes would be on them if they weren’t already, seeing that Jin hadn’t bothered to keep his tone lower when he had called for him. “Let me go!” he said with a hiss, feeling that his skin burned from where Jin was touching him.
“Not a chance.” Jin replied, not even bothering to look back at Kazuya as he headed to his dressing room, opening the door and pushing the younger in before closing the door and settling in front of it, his arms crossed and the usual smile plastered on his face. “Now this is better.” He sang with a happy voice.
“Nothing’s better, so move aside.” Kazuya said, rubbing his wrist and feeling weird all of a sudden. He hadn’t been in here for a few days but it seemed like it had passed a year or something like that. The nostalgia swept over him and he remembered that here was when Jin kissed him the first time. He could still feel the lingering sensation the actor’s lips had on his own. Wait, why the fuck was he recalling such a stupid thing - a mistake?! Kazuya closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but wrong move - Jin’s scent filled his nostrils and he almost choked on the emotion that gushed straight at him. Kazuya glared at Jin - it was all his fault.
“Kazuya, you know as well as I do that I won’t give up until you listen to me, so can you please listen?” Jin asked with a slight tired voice, not really wanting to do what he had in mind which was to stop Kazuya from leaving with his own body because he had no intention on seeing how would that develop, if he’ll be kissed or hit.
The younger scowled and turned his back on Jin, plopping himself on the couch, his arms crossed at his chest. “I’m listening.” He said, though he was looking straight at the wall in front of him, not sparing Jin even a glance. Kazuya was also tired and he didn’t want to stay there any longer, not when the room seemed to close in on him and to remind him that there were things that happened here, things between him and Jin, things that he’d rather forget.
Jin seemed to become nervous yet again as he looked at Kazuya and tried to find his words. He hadn’t really thought at what he was going to say, he just knew that he wanted to talk to Kazuya and decided to tell the younger that he loved him and that he will fight for his love, that he will try to make him see that Jin really cared about him. But… what now?
“I wanted to say again that I’m sorry. That I was a jerk and I didn’t realize what all of this meant to you. I’m sorry that I hurt you and acted like that with you.” He started, taking a short breath between each sentence to gather more courage. “And I know that no matter what I say, it won’t change anything. But I wanted you to know this.”
Kazuya nodded and rose from the couch. Of course Jin would apologize again and remind Kazuya of all he wanted to forget, why wouldn’t he do that? “That’s all?” he asked with a calm expression that betrayed of nothing that he felt inside. Emotions like pain, rage, disillusion and disappointment. All of these were locked inside his heart.
“No, so sit back.” Jin replied, biting his lip in uncertainty and fearing what would come next.
Kazuya cocked an eyebrow at Jin and sighed tiredly. “It’s taking too much and I have work to do now.” He said, but he did resume his place back on the couch. Why did he do that, Kazuya wasn’t sure, but he felt that it was better to listen to Jin when he was sitting on something than standing. He might crash down again; at least sitting no one will notice his fall.
“I thought a lot of what happened these past few days. These past few months.” Jin said, raising his head and looking at Kazuya. “And I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.” He laughed of himself, bringing a hand to his hair and ruffling it in nervousness. “I know you now believe that I’m a jerk but please believe me when I say that I didn’t mean for this to happen. The last thing I wanted was to hurt you.” He confessed with a small voice as he took one step towards the couch. “I felt guilty and I couldn’t believe myself that I was that insensitive and careless.” One more step. “I thought and I thought and I couldn’t understand why was my heart hurting that much.” Another one. “I tried to keep my distance from you, to do what you said and stay away from you. That’s why I asked Jun to give you back your old job.” Jin confessed, now sitting at a few inches from the couch, his eyes still locked on Kazuya. “I thought that it was for the best.” He laughed again, feeling silly. “Only that it didn’t work.” He shook his head, thinking how stupid all of these sounded. But he had to go on. Once he had started this, he couldn’t back down anymore.
“So I’ve come to a decision.” Jin said with determination, his head held up high to show that he was fully confident that he was now doing the right thing.
Kazuya looked up at Jin, up until now not daring to do so, especially since his heart kept skipping beats as he heard Jin getting closer to where he was. At first he felt like moving further, but he stayed on his spot, his hands clasped together so tightly that his knuckles had gone white. Kazuya wasn’t sure what decision Jin had come to, but somehow it set his heart on beating faster and his body won’t listen to him anymore, neither his mouth. “What decision?” he croaked, hating himself because he didn’t want to ask such a thing, he wanted to tell Jin that he doesn’t want to hear his decision, that he was fed up with all that meant Akanishi Jin. But he didn’t say anything like this and somehow, Kazuya dreaded to hear what Jin concluded.
“That I can’t give up. That I don’t want to give up and that I won’t.” the singer replied, a wide smile adorning his lips. He bit his tongue and looked with uncertain eyes at Kazuya, not knowing how will the younger one react to this. “I decided that I must do anything to show that I love you and to make you fall in love with me.” He finally said the words which were clenching his soul, fearing what has Kazuya to say about this.
PART TWO