Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Fifteen | part two

[fighter_of_moon]

PART ONE



Kazuya glanced at the clock, feeling edgy and slightly panicked. Ryo should be back home in a few moments and they would be alone… he would have to face Ryo. He didn’t know what happened after he had left and ever since then, he had thought of all the possibilities that might have taken place until he felt exhausted and realized that he was only making himself feel worse. So he tried to relax, he took off Jin’s clothes - unwillingly taking into their scent - and went to dress with his own as he had a few at Ryo’s place. After he had dressed, he sat on the couch and thought of everything that happened.

How was he going to tell Ryo what happened back there? Will he be able to say what indeed happened there? Will he say the truth, knowing that this might cause pain to both of them? Maybe he won’t, but if Ryo will ask… Kazuya didn’t want to lie to him. He had never done so, even when it came to his relationship with Jin. Indeed, he hadn’t said what happened between them and if he really didn’t want to talk, he would have said so to Ryo. And now… will he be able to say this? To refuse telling Ryo what had happened between him and Jin at the hut? That would make things more complicated…

And now Kazuya kind of dreaded Ryo’s arrival, feeling that no way in hell he could defend himself if Ryo were to accuse him of… well, many things. He looked once more at the clock and crouched on the couch, his head resting on his knees as he waited for the one that never deserved what Kazuya had done with Jin. Of course, it had been only kissing… but he had gotten drunk and Jin had said that it had happened more between the two of them. And even Kazuya himself felt this, the memory was there, but it was too foggy because he had been drunk.

But one thing he was sure of - he and Jin didn’t sleep together. They had shared a bed, but nothing more. Kazuya really believed this and in the silence of Ryo’s living room, everything seemed possible and believable. He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to erase all of what happened back at the hut when the front door was heard and all of his body tensed.

Ryo had come back.

He didn’t look at Kazuya, he just passed him and went to his bedroom to change his clothes, acting like the younger wasn’t even there and not wanting to acknowledge his presence.

Kazuya stood on his spot for a couple of moments and seeing that Ryo was still in his bedroom, he slowly got up as if he wanted to prolong their confrontation. He headed to Ryo’s room and before entering, he knocked softly. It hurt seeing the director like this and just because of him. “Welcome back.” Kazuya said with a small voice, his eyes wanting to catch onto Ryo’s, but the other was acting like he was painted on the wall. “H-how was today?” the younger hated himself for stuttering.

“Fine.” The other one replied with a calm and indifferent voice, like it didn’t matter too much for him if Kazuya was there or not. After all, he hadn’t been yesterday too and the younger didn’t seem to have missed him too much, so why should he do it now?

Kazuya’s eyes suddenly stung so he looked away from Ryo, preferring to stare at the window that still had the curtains pulled. He was hurting and the worst part was that he wasn’t the only one feeling this way. “D-do you want me to leave?” The younger asked and his voice died at the end of his sentence. He felt kind of choked by all of the emotions that suddenly caught up with him. He had tried to suppress them before Ryo’s arrival, but the other’s attitude was triggering them all over.

“Do what you want.” Ryo replied with the same cold voice, shrugging a little as he closed the closet and turned to look at Kazuya - now fully clothed - but still not meeting his eyes. “It’s not like you ever did anything else but this.” He added with what seemed to be a light tone, but the accusation was clear in it as Ryo passed by Kazuya and went to the desk, sitting at it and looking through some papers.

It hurt. Hearing Ryo say such words, sensing beyond the indifference he was showing, it hurt Kazuya more than he thought it would. Maybe he will never love Ryo like he loved Jin, but this man was a great part of him. And he wanted to cherish this and what they had built together over the past three years. He didn’t want to end…

As he realized this, he went to Ryo and hugged him from behind, tightening his hold as if he wanted to show it, not only speak it. “I’m sorry.” He whispered as his face was hidden in the crook of his neck. “I never wanted to leave… you have to believe me. I will never leave you, no matter what.” He continued and there was a certain despair in his voice. “Trust me, Ryo…”

The older stiffened under Kazuya’s embrace, hating the fact that he had wanted so much the warmth of those arms but being glad in the same time because he was aware of the fact that Kazuya would never leave him. He knew that even if Jin loved him and Kazuya loved him back, this idiot was stupid enough to stay with Ryo because he had promised this to him. Even so, he couldn’t stop the words from leaving his mouth. “I thought I could trust you, but it seems that I can’t.” he said with a sigh, brushing away Kazuya’s arms from him and standing up to circle the room.

All the feelings from earlier were coming back to him. “You spent the night away with him, Kazuya!” he proceeded to accuse the boy, his eyes full of hurt facing him and showing all the pain he was feeling at the moment. “You were with him while I thought like the idiot that I am that you’re home and you’re too tired to answer your phone!!”

Kazuya accepted the accusations as he should - guilty of charge. But even if he thought he won’t try to defend himself, the younger realized that he won’t be able to do so. “Do you think I wanted this, Ryo? Do you think I asked him to kidnap me in the middle of night?” He asked, looking as pained as his lover. “Damn, do you think I wanted him to come back?!” His voice had raised a little as he passed a trembling hand through his hair. “Ryo, I know that it was wrong, but what could have I done? Tell me…” He looked desolated at the director.

“I don’t know, okay?!” Ryo snapped for the second time that night and for the second time, he had no intention of hiding or regretting it. He knew that he couldn’t accuse Kazuya for going with Jin because he knew the singer and Ryo knew better than anyone that when Jin wanted something, then he’ll get it. Maybe that was why he was feeling so scared, because now… Jin wanted Kazuya. “But this doesn’t mean that I like seeing you with him! This doesn’t mean that I enjoy hearing him say how much he loves you when I know perfectly well that you’re not over him!!” he said without realizing his own words and then stopping suddenly when it finally registered in his brain and he understood why he couldn’t trust Kazuya after all.

Because Ryo knew that they were still in love with each other.

Kazuya’s face paled visibly. “W-what?” he asked with a hollow voice. “If you’re so damn sure about me not being over him, then why the hell did you go out with me?! Why did you ask me out in the first place!” The younger shouted and you could see that he was hurt by Ryo’s words. “If you know so damn well of how I feel, then what’s the point in you and me?” He asked with a bitter tone and he rubbed his eyes furiously, because they began stinging again. “I thought we had something.” Kazuya’s face broke into a half smile, half grimace. “Guess I was wrong again.”

“You were wrong?” Ryo asked with a bitter voice. “You seem to freeze whenever Jin is around.” He said calmly, looking at Kazuya with pained eyes and remembering the moment when Jin had come to their studio and the younger had simply lost himself and couldn’t act properly anymore. “You always have this pained expression on your face when you see him, but there’s also a sparkle in your eyes that even you aren’t aware of.” He continued and felt his own heart breaking when he remembered the first time he had seen Jin and Kazuya together after three years apart. “You act differently with him and you search for his support without knowing.” He added, now remembering what had happened earlier that day and how right that hand of Kazuya’s looked on Jin’s arm, like it belonged there and like the two of them couldn’t live without each other. “So don’t you dare to make me the bad guy from all this.” He then hissed, warning Kazuya that he was not going to stand by and be the fool that they expected him to be. “Don’t you dare to accuse me of being the one to make a mistake.”

Kazuya couldn’t believe his ears. No, he really couldn’t because if he could, he’d have to admit that it was Ryo that was saying all this, that it was Ryo that was saying he was still in love with Jin. “Aren’t you the one wanting to see all of this?!” The younger asked and as much as he had wanted to sound calm and composed, he couldn’t. “Aren’t you just imagining such things because you feel insecure of us? And I don’t get why, though.” He snorted ironically, feeling like giving up all of a sudden. “I thought you understood me the best. I thought I showed you how much you mean for me. It wasn’t enough, was it?” He laughed to himself and for a moment he looked lost, just like that morning when Ryo had found him. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, it never was my intention.” Kazuya looked at Ryo and tears glistered in his eyes, but he turned away to hide them. It was so hard to build a relationship and it was so easy to bring it down. “You didn’t even try to listen to me, you just drew your own conclusions. Would you have liked me to jump from the car when I was kidnapped? Or to force Jin to stop by forcing an accident?” He turned to Ryo again. “Then you would have believed me that I want to be with you and that he is from the past?” Kazuya asked, his body trembling slightly.

Ryo stiffened again, hating himself for feeling guilty and not wanting to give in to his weakness that was Kazuya. “Then explain to me.” He demanded with a firm voice, only now realizing that Kazuya had never even tried to explain himself or to defend his actions. The only thing he had said until now was that he had been forced to go with Jin, but nothing about what happened between them. And Ryo wasn’t stupid, he knew that Jin had come with Kazuya to see Ryo because something had indeed happened at that secluded hut and he had wanted to be there and to help him face Ryo. “Tell me what happened from the beginning to the end.”

Kazuya looked like he wasn’t going to say anything, then he decided against. “Since I was in my pajamas, Jin landed me some clothes of his, then we stood in front of the fire, we talked, though more like bickered with each other. Then he wanted me to eat and I refused…” He stopped and looked away from Ryo, knowing that what he was going to say will hurt him. “And then I kissed him.” He said it on such a low voice that you could almost believe he hadn’t talked. But in the room had been too much of a silence and Kazuya’s sentence sounded like a bomb dropped in the middle of them. “Then… I got drunk and slept during the night.” He concluded, feeling that it wasn’t necessary to say that he might have kissed Jin again while drunk and neither the nakedness from the morning. He didn’t dare to look at Ryo, instead he kept looking at the floor, waiting for the storm to unleash itself.

“Huh.” Was the only thing Ryo said while shrugging, though it was obvious what kind of effect those words had had on him. “And I should trust the man who’s supposed to be my lover and kisses other man. But wait!” he said with an excited voice and sparkling eyes of fury as he quickly approached Kazuya. “It wasn’t just any man, it was the man that you have been in love with and might still be!!” he added with the same mad voice, his hands grabbing on Kazuya’s arms and his nails digging into his flesh. “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KISS HIM?!?!” Ryo yelled, now clearly not having any intention of controlling himself and just wanting to hurt Kazuya.

The younger hadn’t expected such a reaction and froze in Ryo’s arms, his hold numbing his hands, but not being able to say anything for the moment. He just looked at Ryo, feeling how an ice cube had found its home in his stomach. “I-I don’t know… we were fighting and…” Kazuya tried to say, but his words were mostly squeaked and finally they failed to come out.

“So what if you were fighting?!” Ryo continued to yell, not planning to go back now that he finally had the courage to say all that he was feeling. “We’re fighting right now too, does this mean that I should expect a kiss to make me shut up?!” he demanded to know, his voice sounding mocking and almost disgusted at the idea of doing something like this.

Kazuya looked hurt at Ryo’s words, but he had no excuse, he really couldn’t defend himself in this case. “I’m sorry, I know that I shouldn’t have done it, but I lost control back then and he-he…” He started frantically, but ended feebly. “I’m really sorry. I never meant all of this to happen.” He added on a pleading voice and looked at Ryo, this time not being able to hide his tears in his eyes.

“Oh.” Ryo said like he had just had a revelation, unconsciously letting Kazuya’s hands free when he saw the tears in his eyes and backing away one step. “Well, why didn’t you say so?” he asked, looking cheery but with a bitter voice. “It’s alright then if you didn’t mean for this to happen.” He continued mockingly, shaking his head like it was the most normal thing in the world to accept such words from Kazuya and not be annoyed anymore.

Until Ryo hadn’t let his hands free, Kazuya hadn’t felt the pain and now it was searing through his arms, the numbness slowly fading away. Then, out of pure anger, he launched himself at Ryo, hitting him through his shouts. “You don’t understand! You think I want him! You’re…” His arms suddenly lost their strength and Kazuya pulled away from Ryo, looking like a ragged doll. “Ever since he came, everything turned upside down. Just like the first time. I don’t want him, I don’t want him to take from me the little happiness I found with you. I don’t want him to interfere between us… I don’t want.” Kazuya looked at Ryo and seemed lost, mad, in pain. He needed Ryo as much he needed air and water, because to him, Ryo had been the oasis in his desert. And now Jin… was going to make it seem like a mirage.

The other one sighed. “I know.” Ryo simply said and in a split of a second, he brought Kazuya into his arms, hugging him at his chest with all the strength he had. “And I’m sorry, but I just don’t want to lose you and this seems so real when I see you with him…” he confessed and hugged Kazuya more, squishing him in his arms. “I love you and I don’t want to lose you again.” He sighed again, letting all the pain and the suffering be shown in his voice this time, hiding all the insecurities and fear that were threatening to eat him alive.

Kazuya clutched onto Ryo, not minding the claw like hug they were sharing right now. “You never lost me, Ryo. You’ll never lose me, no matter what he says or you might think.” He said with a muffled voice, hiccupping from time to time. He couldn’t say I love you as easily as Ryo, because he didn’t believe in such words anymore. “I’ll be with you, you’re the only one for me.” He held the director tightly, never wanting to hear him saying such words, to feel his pain or fear, never to argue again; he just wanted the warmth of these two arms. He just wanted Ryo, he was more than enough for him. Jin belonged to the past.

“I know.” Ryo repeated his words and kissed Kazuya to show how much he had meant this. He wanted to believe in the younger because he was his lover and he needed this trust to go forward. He knew that Kazuya would never leave him, but this didn’t mean he couldn’t change his feelings. And Jin could do this. He had done it once and he could do it again, Ryo was sure of that and he was fearing the moment.

It didn’t matter, he thought as he deepened the kiss and explored more of Kazuya’s mouth, like he wanted to say that every part of him belonged to Ryo, his hands roaming on the boy’s back and keeping him close and near his heart. Kazuya wasn’t going to leave him ever and Ryo won’t let him go either. Jin couldn’t do a thing, but for any case, he should try to stop them from meeting.

After all, it was for their own good too in a way.

Kazuya welcomed Ryo’s kiss, gluing their bodies, drinking from his mouth like a thirsty man. If he could only dispose of Ryo’s fears and insecurities, if he could only erase his past and show this man just how much he cared for him… Kazuya would gladly do it. Because right now, Ryo mattered the most. Even if his kiss was gentler than Jin’s…

Kazuya’s heart stopped. Did he just compare the two of them?! No, he couldn’t have, it had been just a slip. One that could have happened to anyone. And as if to prove himself that it had been indeed a slip, he deepened their kiss, took more of Ryo and his hands slowly gathered their courage and slid shyly under the director’s shirt. He needed to feel Ryo, to feel his skin burning under his fingers, to feel him aching for him, loving him. Kazuya so needed this from Jin.

What?! Kazuya mentally slapped himself, thinking that because he had been under pressure and after being with Jin for two days, such a thing happened. But this only made him more yearning of having Ryo; the way his nails dug into the other’s skin being a definite sign.

“More…” Kazuya moaned in their kiss and slowly pushed Ryo towards the bed, feeling that maybe this was sort of wrong. But damn, wrong felt so good sometimes.

And Ryo wasn't one to argue with that.

*

A few days later, Kazuya and Ryo were definitely going better and it seemed like the incident with Jin never happened. They reassured their feelings, they spent every night together cuddling and being cheesy with each other only to end with Ryo criticizing him for some of his acting mistakes. They were acting like a married couple sometimes, as the younger couldn’t take the critiques and would sulk in the living room. They were acting silly and both knew this, but it was only because they cared about each other and they had to take advantage of every moment spent together.

Kazuya was grateful to Ryo for forgiving him, for letting his kiss with Jin slid aside, even though he knew that the director was still worrying, was still feeling insecure about them. But he will make them work again, like where there was no Jin in their lives. Yes, he was really going to show to everyone that no past will conquer Kamenashi Kazuya.

But there were times - like this - when he couldn’t help but to think at what had happened back at the hut. The fact that there had happened something that he wasn’t sure of made him feel uneasy and nervous. And the moments he had shared with Jin were etched on his brain like someone had done this on purpose. Maybe those moments hadn’t been the best ones, but it had been the ones where Kazuya had been the closest to Jin in three years. The simple thought made the younger one’s heart race and guilt sweep over him. Because even if he hadn’t told Ryo… Kazuya knew exactly why he had kissed Jin back there.

He had kissed the older actor because he had wanted to. Although he had realized that it was wrong, that he will hurt the most important person for him, Kazuya had done it driven by his impulses. He had wanted to feel Jin’s lips once more and had done it at the price of fighting with Ryo. Such a thing frightened him the most. Because even if he didn’t admit it at the surface, Kazuya knew perfectly well that Jin was capable of making him do the things he wouldn’t really dare. Jin brought out of Kazuya what was the worst and sadly, what was the truest.

The sound of the doorbell pulled Kazuya from his thoughts. He frowned a bit, looking at the clock and for a second, he thought that it might be Jin again. So he tiptoed until he reached the door and looked through the door’s eye, checking who it was. Seeing that it was a delivery man, Kazuya opened with a frown.

“Yes?” he inquired, curious of who would send him a package at eight o’clock in the evening.

“Kamenashi Kazuya-san?” The delivery man asked and the young actor nodded. “You have a delivery. You have to sign here.” He handed him a clipboard with some papers attached to it. Kazuya took it and signed, waiting for the man to give him the package. “Thank you.” He bowed and then looked to his left, signaling to some other people.

Kazuya didn’t get to see who they were because they soon came in front of his door and more out of instinct than politeness, the younger stood aside and watched as the men  entered and exited his house leaving behind… flowers.

The younger closed his eyes trying not to see the type of flower as he had recognized their fragrance already. He turned to the delivery men and thanked them before closing the door and looking down at the baskets filled with lily-of-the-valleys. Kazuya didn’t even have to look at the card to know who had sent them. It was clear as crystal water as such a thing had happened before and apparently, the imbecile hadn’t learnt anything from it.

He sighed and feeling anger slowly edging along his cracking calm, Kazuya went to his bedroom, opened his closet from which he retrieved a small box. He pulled out a small key and gripped it before he went back to his door, grabbing his car keys and his phone on the way. He looked at the baskets full with lily of the valleys and a sudden idea struck him.

Ten minutes later, he was leaving his apartment’s parking lot, his eyes set on the road in front of him, but his mind set on a certain person, one that he hoped to teach a lesson this time. It only took him half of hour to get where he wanted and the familiarity of the place struck him at first. Past came lashing at him and he was caught with his guard down, but it only made him angrier, it only made him want to hit someone - a certain someone. He got off the car and with the help of the doorman, he got to the fifth floor and with his heart pounding against his ribs, he took out the small key and inserted it inside the keyhole of the door in front of him.

It opened with a small click and the younger pushed it open, memories tailing and torturing him. Three years ago, he had entered this house thousands of times and had left it in a morning, his heart and body broken. This thought steeled Kazuya and putting aside all of his haunting feelings, he turned to the baskets filled with flowers and grabbed one, carrying it until he reached the living room. He then went for a second and third one, cursing the fact that the baskets seemed made out of plumb and not light wood. And just as he let the third basket slid on the floor, shivers went down his spine and Kazuya looked up to see Jin standing in the doorframe of his bedroom. Time stilled.

When was the last time they saw each other?

“Kazuya.” Jin whispered his name, not really able to believe that the younger was there and he wasn’t just imagining this, as he had done so many times before. He glanced to the flowers and sighed inwardly when he realized what was Kazuya doing. He had been expecting this so it wasn’t that much of a shock, but it still hurt a little to see this. “Not up for flowers this time too?” he then asked with a pout, not showing any of his hurt be visible on his face and acting as childishly as before. He had no idea if he was managing to look detached from this, considering that he had always sucked to act in front of those loved ones, but it was still worth a try.

Kazuya gave a snort and turned his back on Jin. The stupid, couldn’t he wear something normal in the house?! Like pajamas or something and not simply standing in boxers? God, he was as stupid as before. “I’m not up for anything that comes from you.” He said and went to bring the others basket too. “So have your flowers back.” He put the fifth basket on the floor, a little red in the cheeks and anger flashing in his eyes.

Jin chuckled and got closer to Kazuya, pretending to look at the flowers and shutting the door close when the boy wasn’t looking, posting himself in front of it to stop the younger from leaving. “Don’t you know that it’s rude to return a gift?” he said with a knowing smile as he leaned on the door, arms crossed and his right leg lifted and pressed to the door, his body looking more naked than ever.

Kazuya kept his poker face and forced himself to look at Jin’s face and not his bare body. “Don’t you know that it’s rude to send flowers to someone’s lover?” He replied to Jin’s question with another, smiling so plastic like. “And move aside, there are still flowers to be returned.” He then said with a menacing voice and crossed his arms, not in the mood for Jin’s games.

“It’s not rude to send flowers to the one you love though.” Jin pointed out and shrugged a little, his taunting smile clearly saying that he wasn’t moving from there if Kazuya wasn’t going to do something.

“Oh, shut up with your love.” Kazuya snapped and his expression looked furious. “If you think you can impress someone by sending them flowers, then you’re wrong. Try to understand, Akanishi, where we stand now.” He pointed to his head, his voice all mean and angry. “We’re not like before. Now move the fucking aside!” Kazuya growled, but he didn’t move from his spot. For him, Jin was something that had to be avoided by any cost.

“No, it feels like we’re at the beginning again, doesn’t it?” Jin replied excitedly, thinking that this reaction wasn’t that different from the one Kazuya had had three years ago. “So I thought that I should make again the mistake of sending you one thousand flowers.” He continued with a wide grin, obviously enjoying himself and not caring too much about Kazuya’s anger. “But I thought that I shouldn’t send you roses this time, seeing as now I know which is your favorite flower.” He then added, looking thoughtful for a moment like he couldn’t decide what was better.

Kazuya closed his eyes, trying to count until five but snapping at two. So long gone were his patience and his prudence as he went towards Jin and pushed him aside powerfully, feeling his hand burning from where he touched. “Fuck you, nutter.” He said and opened the door, wanting to exit.

Jin laughed again, but didn’t do anything to stop Kazuya from leaving. Instead, he started to sing a song with lyrics kind of weird, maybe? “I have some pictures that I want to see and who knows what else I might do with them~” he said as he let the door close behind him, Jin heading once more to his bedroom.

The door opened and closed again, bringing Kazuya once more into Jin’s apartment. He walked fast to him, but stopped before jumping on him or something like this. Instead he grabbed a pillow from the couch and threw it directly at Jin’s head. “Give that photo back.” He said through gritted teeth, hating that he had let him have the upper hand in this.

Jin continued to laugh and ignored the pillow thrown at him, changing his mind in the last moment and taking it with him as he entered the bedroom. “Here.” He said with a smile when he saw that Kazuya had followed him, handing him one picture with his bare ass in it. “Tell me what you think about it because I seriously think I should have become a photographer.” Jin confessed with a serious voice, looking like he was actually considering this possibility. “Oh, and I have more copies.” He shrugged innocently and jumped into bed, proceeding to play with the pillow Kazuya had thrown at him.

But coming into Jin’s room hadn’t been a good idea for Kazuya. As he lifted his eyes from the photo and looked around the room, his heart clutched and the past was slowly embracing him in its painful arms. In front of his eyes, he didn’t the see the present room, he saw the way he had left it - impregnated with their love, with his love, with his pain. And all of this came back at him, all made his heart bleed and his stomach felt a bit queasy. He remembered all the times he had slept in that bed with Jin, trying to push things a bit further, but forever failing. All the times he had woken Jin up, had wrestled in bed with him only to end up kissing. All the times they had spent in this sole room, all of their feelings were here and all returned to haunt him. Kazuya gulped and he didn’t realize he had tears in his eyes until one fell hot and wet on his pale cheek.

The younger let the photo fall down and he turned away quickly, wanting to get out from there, wanting to get away from all of these choking emotions. He shouldn’t have come to Jin’s apartment. It had been a mistake from the beginning. Meeting, becoming friends, lovers, coming here after all this time… he and him had been a grave mistake.

He didn’t have time to get out of the room when Jin caught him by his arm and pulled him back. “Kazuya.” The older whispered his name, looking with an unsure expression at the boy, not knowing what to do or what had happened. He had pretended not to, but he had been watching Kazuya’s every move since he came in the room. Jin had been stunned to see the tears rolling down his cheeks and, for a moment, he thought that he had done again something wrong, that he had said something that he shouldn’t have.

“Kazuya, talk to me.” Jin almost begged the boy, afraid that it will happen again as that fateful day when he had been left alone. Kazuya hadn’t said a word then too and had just left, leaving him and their memories and love behind, not caring and not thinking about what that meant to Jin. Now, when the scene that Jin had imagined all of these three years was playing in front of his eyes, his heart was beating faster than ever and the fear of losing Kazuya for good was clutching its claws on his soul and was leaving him almost petrified. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to lose Kazuya.

“Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong again?” the older asked, his voice trembling a little, the same as his body and the hold that he kept on Kazuya’s arm which was tightening by the second. “Please.” He begged, although he didn’t know what exactly he was asking anymore; if it was an explanation for this moment or for the one three years ago.

Kazuya tried to pull his hand free from Jin’s hold. “Don’t touch me.” He said with a small voice, almost a whisper. “I don’t want you to touch me. I don’t want to have you near me again.” The voice rose with a few octaves and you could sense the anger and fear building up together with it. “I don’t want to talk with you, I never wanted to see you again!” He was now shouting and he didn’t even know why he was doing so. “So, leave me alone and forget that I have ever existed!!” Kazuya didn’t look at Jin at all and he wanted out of this apartment that was slowly closing on him and suffocating him. He didn’t want to think of all the emotions he had bottled up, of all the memories he had locked away; he didn’t even want to acknowledge them. Jin had no right to barge in his life like he was doing right now. He will end up drowning in his own feelings.

“Why?” Jin asked with a voice so calm that he doubted for a moment that he had been the one to speak. “Because I remind you of the past?” he asked and laughed bitterly, pulling a little on Kazuya’s arm as if he wanted to have him closer but didn’t dare to make a move. “Because it hurts to see me?” he continued, his own hurt obvious in the tone of his voice and the way his lips were trembling, red bitten to stop him from spilling all of his emotions. “Because you realize how much you still love me every time you see me?!” he raised his voice a little at the last sentence, this time pulling the younger in his arms to see his reaction and to let Kazuya see his real face.

The younger one tried to pull back, not wanting to stand this close to Jin. “I do not love you.” He said through gritted teeth, but he didn’t look at Jin at all. “And I might have never had.” He then added, knowing very well what big fat lie that was. But if it made Jin leave him alone and not touch him anymore, then he’d gladly lie until his lips and tongue will rot. “And yes, you remind me of the past, of the mistakes that I have done.” Kazuya pushed Jin away from him, though his fingers, his hands itched to do something else. “Of the mistake that we had been.” He looked at Jin, an angry and despising expression on his face though which it did not match his wet and burning eyes.

Jin laughed. “The only mistake from your life is your relationship with Ryo.” He said with hate and disgust, although he was aware of what consequences his words will have. “The most stupid thing is to be with Ryo when you don’t love him as he loves you.” He continued and looked at Kazuya, determined to not back down this time. It was becoming too painful for both of them to continue like this and they had to end this or the things they were saying will mark them forever.

“Ryo is the best thing in my life! I want to be with him!” Kazuya snarled and fought some more to escape from Jin’s maddening embrace. “I will never leave him and I’ll prove myself worthy of his love! He’s the only one I need and want right now.” He continued and you could sense the fierce desire of doing and feeling so for Ryo. “He’s the best for me while you’re the worst.”

“Wanting is not the same as really doing it!!” Jin snapped, his eyes darkening and his calm totally lost as he threw Kazuya on the bed, turning to look at him with crazy and angry eyes. He should know the best that a simple wish wasn’t enough, because no matter how much he had wished for Kazuya to come back, no matter how much he had wanted to see him and to know that he was okay - that they were okay - it never happened. “Listen to yourself!” he said, ruffling his hair in a futile attempt to calm himself down. “Love is not about proving that you’re worthy of it! Love is about feelings, about having your heart beat faster when you see the one you love and to mourn for him if you’re not together!!” he yelled, refraining to add that the only thing Kazuya had done when he had been apart from Ryo in those two days had been to kiss Jin and to show him that he might still feel something for him.

The younger jumped as burned after Jin threw him on the bed. He didn’t want to be in the place where he had given everything and received nothing. “And who are you to tell me that I don’t have feelings for Ryo?!” He shouted back, walking as far away as he could from the bed. “Who do you think you are to say to me that my heart doesn’t beat faster when I see Ryo?! What do you know of what I feel inside when it comes to MY lover!!” The younger continued and his fist was pumping on his chest, where his heart was beating. “While my body might want you, this doesn’t mean I don’t feel for Ryo.” He added with a hiss, but as he said this, he realized just how wrong this sounded. But he wasn’t backing away, because doing so meant to admit to things that he didn’t count as being true.

Jin opened his mouth to say something else, but stopped upon hearing Kazuya’s last words. Oh, God, how could they be such stupid? And Kazuya was supposed to be the intelligent one from the two of them, the one with the brains in the family. “Then tell me.” He said with a calm voice, somehow the fact that Kazuya was refusing to see the reality making Jin be the mature one. “Can you honestly say that you feel the same for Ryo as you did when we were together?” he asked and took a step towards the boy. “You don’t even have to tell me the answer, but just look at me and tell yourself it’s the same.” He almost pleaded, stopping with an uncertain expression in front of Kazuya. “Because you did love me, Kazuya.” He finished with a gentle smile and a warm expression.

And you still do.

PART THREE