Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Fifteen | part three

[fighter_of_moon]

PART TWO



Kazuya laughed as he looked at Jin with narrowing eyes. “Of course I don’t love Ryo like I loved you. After all, you’re two entirely different people. Love takes different shapes and forms. And what I had for you is gone.” He made a vanishing gesture with his hand. “And what I have for Ryo is real.” And he brought that hand to his heart which was beating as fast as it could, bleeding and hurting as it was.

“Good answer.” Jin laughed a little, scolding himself because he should have known that Kazuya will answer something like this. “But I wasn’t talking about love, I was talking about the simple feeling of wanting to be with someone because he’s the one. Because you feel this is the person that could give you wings and in the same time make you fall into the deepest abyss.” He explained, the smile on his lips widening a little as he remembered the moments he had felt like this because of Kazuya too.

The younger looked a bit confused. Since when he hadn’t felt what Jin was describing? Ryo was for him the safety net, his home; Kazuya had never felt that the director was his heaven or his hell. He was just… his. “I don’t have time to talk with you such stupidities.” The younger waved a hand in dismissal and made another step to farther himself from the bed and towards the door. “I’m leaving now.” He added and moved unsurely to exit. He didn’t want Jin to touch or hold him again.

“Can’t face the truth?” Jin asked, deciding to take this risk and continue with his questions. Kazuya had given up earlier and this was because what he felt for Ryo wasn’t real. It wasn’t the same and Jin was sure that Kazuya too knew in the depth of his soul. It will never be the same as it had been for the two of them.

Kazuya stopped and glared at the actor. “What truth? Is there anything true in here?” He asked and spread his arms wide as if to show that the entire room was a lie, including the ones in it. “Don’t make me laugh.” He scoffed and more secure now, he made his way out.

“Then why are you running away from me?” Jin insisted, wondering how much he’ll be able to detain Kazuya with this and how little time they had together. It was exciting and scaring in the same time, but Jin wasn’t one to give up so easily. “Why do you keep your distance if there never was anything between us?” he said, aware that he was using the younger’s contradictions of I-loved-you and I-didn’t-love-you.

Kazuya was now at the door and on an impulse, he banged on it with his fist. He didn’t turn to Jin as he said the following words. They were cursing him. “Because my body still wants you. After three years, it still wants you.” The younger said with a hating voice. “Once had never been enough and ever since then, it had been yearning.” Kazuya turned and looked at Jin. “But I don’t want you.”

Jin looked back at Kazuya and something seemed to click in his mind. “You haven’t slept with Ryo, right?” he said with a hopeful voice, becoming more confident as the seconds ticked by. Of course, it had been obvious all the time!! Kazuya used the excuse of his body not forgetting Jin because there hadn’t been anyone else after him. His body still wanted Jin because he had been the last one to have it. “You haven’t slept with anyone else since then, have you?” he asked, yet again approaching Kazuya, but now ready to stop him from leaving his house and his life for the second time.

Kazuya’s heart started to beat faster. “Don’t be stupid.” He replied with a derisive tone and he was slowly backing away. “I’ve been with Ryo the moment he confessed. A few days ago too, we slept together.” He added with a mocking expression. “Just because your touch still lingers, it doesn’t mean I didn’t sleep with other people.”

“I don’t believe you.” Jin replied with a voice maybe too happy for the earlier events. Kazuya was starting to back down yet again and, by now, Jin was already aware of what that meant. It seemed that they had in common the fact that neither one of them could lie in front of their loved ones, Jin thought happily. “I still am the only man that had touched you like this.” He said and in a split of a second, he was next to Kazuya, his hand on the younger’s cheek and a stupid smile on his face.

The younger slapped Jin’s hand away, glaring at him. “Believe what you want. But let me help you see the truth.” Kazuya said and with a swift move, he lessened two buttons of his own shirt, revealing to Jin the hickey Ryo had left on him right above his left nipple. “And I have more on this body that you hope to have been touched only by you.” He smirked maliciously and proceeded to button back his shirt after accomplishing his mission.

Jin froze. No, it couldn’t be. He had been so sure that it had all been a lie that now… it just seemed impossible to be true. Even the way Kazuya’s body had responded to his touches had told Jin that the boy hadn’t been touched like that for a long time. As he had stopped to think, he had noticed a lot of things that had appeared unimportant at the time and Jin had shrugged them off as Kazuya being nervous and unsure. But then all seemed to connect and to reveal the truth, to say that Jin had been the only one in Kazuya’s life.

A truth that was now denied by that damned hickey.

The older let his head fall down, his hands now supporting his body on the door and still keeping Kazuya between him and the door, trapped by his arms. He chuckled bitterly at the younger’s ear, thinking how stupid he had been to think such a thing. Of course Kazuya hadn’t lied about that. Of course he hadn’t waited for Jin for three years like the actor had done. Of course…

“When?” Jin asked with a cold voice, suddenly remembering that Kazuya had mentioned he had slept with Ryo a few days ago and not understanding why he had felt the need to say even this. “You slept with him after the night you asked me to make love to you?” he continued with a mean and merciless voice, feeling that he wanted to hurt Kazuya in that moment as much as he had done these three years too. Because it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair for Kazuya to go on with his life and to leave Jin without answers and waiting for him like an idiot.

Kazuya flinched at Jin’s words. He had asked him what? No, it couldn’t be. He wouldn’t say such stupid things if he wanted Jin out of his life. No, he… His breath stopped. He wouldn’t say them unless he hadn’t been aware of such things. He was drunk at that time. So this was what had happened between them. Kazuya had wanted Jin to touch him again and had asked him such an incredulous thing. The younger didn’t look at Jin as he also kept his head down, his hands leaving one button loose because they were incapable of moving again. And he was trapped. Trapped by Jin’s dangerous aura, his warm and inviting body and also by that teasing breath tickling his ear. He couldn’t escape, but he had to.

“I was drunk.” Kazuya found himself saying, purposely ignoring Jin’s question regarding his last time he had had sex with Ryo. “Otherwise, I would have never said such things to you.” He continued and his voice broke a little. “Like I said, even if my body wants you, I don’t. Ryo’s the only one I truly want.”

“And what love is that when you want someone else than your lover?” Jin spitted the words, still keeping his head lowered and not wanting to meet Kazuya’s eyes - though he had a funny feeling that the younger wanted the same thing in that moment. “What kind of lover are you to Ryo when you ask your ex to make love to you?!” he asked with the same hateful voice, all of his feelings of hurt and loneliness and betrayal surfacing for the first time since he had met Kazuya again.

“The worst.” Kazuya replied and there was disgust in his voice. “Do you think I don’t realize this already? I hate this body for wanting you. I hate myself for not being able to make it feel different when you’re around.” He continued, bitterness and hate resonating from his words. “But when you’re away, I can bring this desire to an end. I can be what I want to be - someone without you.” The younger lifted his head and even if Jin wasn’t looking at him, he was. Because he had to face the person that was making him doubt his own self and that was making him use Ryo as an excuse for everything he was doing. He was really the worst, but he didn’t know how to be otherwise.

Jin didn’t expect such words from Kazuya so he stiffened as he listened to the younger’s fears and needs. He slowly raised his head to look back at the boy, their eyes meeting and their breaths entwining. “You’d only be lying to yourself.” He said with what seemed to be a pitiful voice. “When I’m not around, you’re a fake person, you’re not the real you that wants to be with me as much as I want to be with you.” He continued, realizing just how much Kazuya had been lying to himself until now. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Jin anymore. But he was too hurt to admit that his feelings hadn’t changed and that he was maybe even more in love with Jin than he was three years ago.

Such words sent shivers in Kazuya’s body. He didn’t say anything as he kept looking at Jin, as he was battling his own desire. “And you think I’ve been the real me when I was with you?” He asked and you could sense a certain mock in his voice. He was bluffing and both of them were aware. But he had to say something, silence only made matters worse. “And what makes you think I’m not the same with Ryo as I was with you? You’ve never seen us acting as the couple we were, you never know what’s going between me and him when we’re alone. Or how I am when I am only with him.” He stopped and took a short breath, but Jin’s scent invaded him. It only made him needier and desperate to prove him wrong. “I am the same.” Kazuya said and there was a certain edge to his voice.

“You just said that you’re not the same.” Jin smirked knowingly. “That you love us differently and that you’re different with him from how you were with me.” He said with an amused smile, slowly starting to see through Kazuya’s lies. He realized that it wasn’t that hard now that he simply ignored his feelings of hurt and betrayal - that outburst had definitely done him good - and concentrated only on Kazuya and their time spent together. After all, they had been together everyday back then and Jin was sure that no one could know Kazuya better than he did.

He just had to keep his composure.

Kazuya frowned as he kept silent and glared at Jin. He hated that the actor was laughing at him and that he seemed so pleased with himself. “I said I feel for him differently than I felt for you.” He replied with an annoyed voice. “Feelings are different, not me.” He added and pursed his lips in an angry pout. “But this discussion leads to nowhere, so I want to leave. Would you step aside?” Kazuya then added, glued to the door as he straightened himself to show that he really intended to leave.

Jin laughed again. “Sure, Kazuya, whatever you say.” He giggled and quickly pressed a short kiss to the younger’s cheek before backing away, a wide smile plastered on his lips and watching him with still amused eyes. “Though I thought you wanted the pictures with you.” He reminded the younger as he crouched down to take the picture fallen on the floor, looking at it and studying intensively.

Kazuya glared, feeling furious for feeling his cheek burn from where Jin had kissed him briefly. “Keep them. If you love me as you say, then you won’t like to have other people see my naked body.” He shrugged and smirked knowingly at Jin. “After all, you can have it as a memento. It’s the most you’ll see of me from now on.” Kazuya grinned maliciously and with a wave of his hand, turned away from Jin. And damn his cheek was feeling so warm!

“I’d have no problem showing them to Ryo if you say that he had already seen you naked.” Jin replied calmly, standing up and going back to the bed to sit on it. “After all,” he continued while looking at Kazuya, “what’s the harm in that?” he grinned innocently, the subtle threat hidden in his sweet tone.

Kazuya didn’t move from his spot and he had his fists balled on each side of his body. “What do you want in exchange of all the copies you have and the negatives?” He asked and turned to look at Jin, his voice all business like. He didn’t want Jin to blackmail him like this.

“A date.” The older replied promptly and happily, having had this idea since the moment he had took the picture. “One whole day or one whole night, you choose.” He then added with a shrug, like it was the same thing for him. “And I decide what we do and where we go and you have to agree.” He presented his conditions, although his expression clearly said that he had more than these ones.

Kazuya gritted his teeth. “Fine.” He agreed and after a brief pause, continued. “You said you decide the location, then I decide the date.” The younger smiled pleasantly, though it was clear that he wasn’t at all. “Tonight.” He added and waited for Jin’s answer. After all, if he was going to see Jin later, there were high chances of Ryo finding out and since the director was out on a location tonight, he could hide this easily. Besides, it was better if it was night, seeing as in daylight they had high chances of being seen.

“Daring.” Jin chuckled amused, not having really expected Kazuya to choose to spend another night with Jin and not a day when there were less chances of… being attacked by him. “Okay then, tonight.” He quickly agreed, figuring that it was better if it was soon because this way, Kazuya didn’t have time to change his mind. “My apartment.” He then continued with a satisfied smile, stretching his body and looking a little tired, showing more of his nakedness. “We can have a nice meal cooked by you,” Jin added with a content voice, “and we’ll see what we can do after.” He decided, looking at Kazuya and waiting for an answer.

Kazuya laughed, though his heart clenched at this thought. “Aren’t you afraid of me poisoning you?” He asked with a nonchalant tone, though it was clear he will never do that. “And do you have anything in your fridge?” He then inquired with an ironic voice and an elegant arched eyebrow. After all, Jin was foodless since Kazuya could remember.

“We can go shopping before dinner.” Jin quickly solved the problem and let his eyes wander from the picture that he was still holding in his hands to the real person who was looking annoyed at him. His eyes clearly showed that he was picturing Kazuya naked and that he was remembering that morning and a lot more others which had ended up with them being late.

“You can go, I’m staying here.” Kazuya replied with a short shake of his head. “I’m not going with you anywhere where we can be seen.” He added, hoping that Jin was getting the idea why he had chosen a night and not a day. “So, I’ll give you a list and you’ll do the shopping.” He smiled pleasantly, hating the sudden thought in his mind - that they were like a married couple.

“I want you to come with me.” Jin pouted, basically the same idea of a married couple doing shopping together being in his mind too. “We can go to the supermarket next to my house where we used to go before and no one will see us there.” He then added with a hopeful voice, wishing that remembering Kazuya of their previous dates and the fact that they hadn’t been caught then would help.

“And I don’t want to come with you.” Kazuya replied coldly, bothered by the fact that Jin had mentioned their days together again. “After all, it’s the date you wanted. You should be the one doing all this, not me.” He accused as he crossed his arms.

“It’s the date that you accepted after being threatened by me.” Jin pointed out, not afraid to play this card until the end. It was obvious that he would never do such a thing and he slightly suspected that Kazuya was also aware of this in the bottom of his heart. It made things more interesting though and he had all the intentions of forcing Kazuya to do whatever he wanted.

Kazuya looked furious for a moment, but then his expression changed to one of apparent calm. “Fine. You’ll wait outside as I’ll go and do the fucking shopping.” He said and his tone didn’t accept otherwise. “That if you really don’t want me to cook you the super worst meal ever.” He then threatened, really intending to do so if Jin kept complaining. “After all, you’re always such a spender and a nag while shopping.” Kazuya wriggled his nose and then turned around, heading for the exit, but then he turned quickly. “Oh and we’re going with my car and I’m driving.” He added with a smile.

“Okay, babe.” Jin answered simply and with a wide smile, not really bothered by Kazuya’s request and following the younger to go to his car.

But Kazuya stopped him with a stern look as he tilted his head, looking annoyed. “If you’re planning on going with only boxers on you, be my guest. But not when I’m with you.” He said and clicked his tongue at the goofy smile the older showed as he practically bounced back to his room to get changed. This man was going to kill him one day, really.

Fifteen minutes later, they were in the parking lot and Kazuya was unlocking his car, but didn’t let Jin take the seat next to the driver as he pointed to the backseat. “I’m not letting you in front with me. You’ll stay there and make yourself as small as possible.” The younger said and smiled so cutely that it was impossible to refuse him. It was clear that he didn’t want anyone to see him with Jin.

The older pouted and looked with puppy eyes at Kazuya, trying to silently convince him. The young actor raised an eyebrow and Jin sighed in defeat, opening the backdoor and slipping inside. Kazuya didn’t waste any more time and climbed in too, turning on the engine and leaving the parking lot.

“So.” Jin said, sitting in the back of Kazuya, his hands on the chair and his fingers slightly touching the younger’s shoulders. “Your life changed a lot.” He stated, glancing through the car and thinking at the past Kazuya that couldn’t have afforded any kind of car, not to mention one like this one.

Kazuya’s shoulders stiffened at the light touch. “Yes.” He replied shortly and tried to concentrate on the road and not on how those fingers were slowly playing with his hair or briefly touching his neck. “Could you stop doing that?” He snapped as Jin touched his ear lob and almost missed the green light until some clonks made him push the acceleration pedal.

“Nope, it’s your punishment for leaving me here in the back.” Jin answered with a happy voice, obviously enjoying the fact that Kazuya had to be careful at the road and wasn’t able to stop his fingers which were now giving him a light massage.

Kazuya gritted his teeth and tried to shake Jin’s hands by constantly moving his shoulders, to not let him touch anywhere on his body. “If you don’t want us in the first pylon, then you’d better behave.” He warned Jin as he suddenly braked at the crosswalk. A few people glared towards his car.

“I’m sure you’re a better driver than this.” Jin said while continuing his administrations. His fingers were starting to dangerously approach Kazuya’s collarbone. “After all, you always pride yourself with doing your best at whatever you do. Consider this as a challenge.” He then proposed with a short laugh.

Kazuya’s breath hitched and his body shivered. “Jin, I’ll fucking kill you if you don’t stop right now.” He said and started the car again, trying to concentrate on the road, trying his very best not to let himself be distracted by Jin’s touches. Didn’t he tell Jin that his body was yearning for him? Was he stupid to still do such things to him? Damn, those confident and still feathery touches were making his hands clutch on the wheel, trying to fight off the desire slowly rising in his body.

“Don’t wanna.” Jin replied with a childish voice and a childish expression as he looked at Kazuya’s face in the mirror. Oh, he was loving what he was seeing.

Kazuya drove a little more, Jin keeping true his words and never stopping his touching, driving him slowly to the edge. But as soon as they got on an empty road, the younger pulled on the right, stopping the car suddenly. He swatted Jin’s hands away, slapping them twice to keep them away. He tried to calm his breath and his body. He didn’t say a word to Jin.

“What?” the older asked with an innocent expression, blinking his eyes and trying to look cute, but resembling more a child who had been caught while trying to cheat. “I didn’t do anything.” He then added with a firm voice and a pout on his lips.

“For the first time, Jin, don’t say a word.” Kazuya growled as he leaned forward, resting his head on the wheel, his hands lying limp beside his body. He was aware that Jin knew perfectly well how his body felt at his touches and how difficult it was for the younger to recollect himself to drive, aware of the fact that Jin won’t stop any soon now. No, he won’t let him, he’ll throw him in the car’s trunk if Jin would try anything else.

But of course that Jin had no intention of shutting up. “Want me to drive?” he asked with a delighted tone. “Or we can take a little break. You can come here with me and I’ll help you relax a little.” He stated innocently though his eyes clearly showed exactly how innocent were his intentions. “Or I can come next to you, it doesn’t really bother me.” He shrugged and started to hum a song.

“Want me to tie you up?” Kazuya growled and turned to look at Jin with a fierce but yearning expression on his face. “I’ll tie you to that fucking backseat and then I’ll touch you until you won’t be able to think past your release as I’ll go and do the shopping. And trust me, I’ll tie you so fucking tight that you won’t even be able to touch yourself to forget the throbbing pain from your pants.” The younger threatened with a smile and you could see that he was willing to go that far if it made Jin stop. But something told him that Jin would be more than pleased to have Kazuya do something like this.

And of course, Jin acted exactly how Kazuya had expected him to. He smiled like an idiot and looked at the younger with an expression that clearly said do-whatever-you-want-with me. It only lasted for a couple of seconds though because in the next one, Jin seemed to decide that it wasn’t enough to just beg with his eyes and climbed over the seat to get to the front one, settling on the chair next to Kazuya and turning to be still facing him. The puppy expression didn’t leave him as he raised his joined hands and shoved them towards Kazuya, like he wanted to say tie me but didn’t know how.

Kazuya quirked an eyebrow. “Are you mental or plain stupid?” He asked, though the corners of his lips curled up a little. “Didn’t know you turned suddenly masochistic.” The younger scoffed and swatted off Jin’s stretched hands. “And I don’t remember telling you to come in front.” He then added, suppressing all of his inner turmoil and letting the anger be the one controlling him and not lust. Jin must be crazy for having such kinks, but Kazuya was must totally be a lunatic for suggesting it.

“I just wanted to make a joke…” Jin confessed with a pout, slowly retreating his hands and looking at Kazuya like he had hurt him deeply with his answer. “But you never want to play with me…” he added with the same desolated tone and faked a sniff, trying to look as miserable as possible.

Kazuya tried to calm himself, but he only managed to gently bang his head on the wheel. “Why do you keep being so stubborn in twisting me?” He whispered to no one, as if talking to himself. Of course they never played like this. They didn’t have time, they had lost it a long time ago and Kazuya wasn’t going to bring any of it back. “Look, Jin…” Kazuya turned to look at Jin, his head still resting on the wheel. “Just behave normally. Just think of me as a friend and nothing more.” He said and even if he will never admit this, there was a certain plea in his voice.

“Are you willing to be my friend?” Jin asked with a raised eyebrow, not really believing that he had heard those words. He wouldn’t mind accepting it - as it was way better than just being another guy who wanted him - and it would definitely help him spend some more time with Kazuya without kidnapping or blackmailing him.

Kazuya narrowed his eyes. “I meant for tonight.” He explained, clearly expressing his opinion on how willing he felt about being Jin’s friend after this night. He had to be crazy to accept such a thing, especially seeing how clingy and innocent Jin seemed to act sometimes. And not after their relationship started like that - based on an edgy friendship.

“But this is a date, we can’t be friends tonight.” Jin pointed out with a large pout on his lips, swirling his legs as much as the cramped area allowed him. “We’ll have a romantic dinner, with candles and everything, then we’ll do something fun and we’ll both fall asleep on my bed, smiling happily.” He said with a happy smile, confessing his fantasy and his plans for the night.

Kazuya’s chest tightened. Really, what was Jin thinking? “And why would you want this? Do you like living a lie?” He asked the other, not being able to fight back the bitterness in his voice. This whole thing will just hurt them more, would just bring Kazuya to despair and Jin… god knows to what.

“No, and that’s why I want to do this.” Jin replied, this time with a serious voice and a determined expression. He wanted Kazuya to see that their relationship hadn’t been a mistake, to remember the younger one of the beautiful things and moments spent together. He was sure that these memories were as precious for him as they were for Jin too. They just had to revive them.

Kazuya gave a dry laugh. “Then you’re a foul if you think this will bring us together.” He said and straightened, turning the keys to start the car. “It will only make us fall apart faster.” He added as the engine growled and they were once again moving.

“Well, we can’t know until we try.” Jin shrugged and turned to watch the road as Kazuya was doing. It will be fine because Jin had faith in them. Their relationship hadn’t fallen apart, but it had been destroyed by some evil creature that wanted to harm them. Jin had to find out as soon as possible what had happened three years ago and to solve this situation because he was sure he couldn’t live without Kazuya anymore.

He just couldn’t.